How/Does PTS (PTSD) change/affect your marriage? Are you closer with your spouse? or more distant?

SPC Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 30 Apr 2015 14:43:17 -0400

My husband and I are both veterans and we both have PTSD. Even though we both have the same thing, our triggers are different, we react different…

National studies say that 2/3 who are married and have PTSD are in failing relationship. -- My thought are: well isn't that fantastic for us...

What do you do to help improve and move forward in your marriages?

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Response by SPC Fred Krauer made Apr 30 at 2015 2:48 PM

SPC Fred Krauer — Thu, 30 Apr 2015 14:48:47 -0400

We set R.O.E. like, no name calling, don't say anything you will regret later, walk away if you have to, no matter what... always remember we are fighting the same fight - save the hurtful language for the politicians on CSPAN. and if you are feeling "off ", let the other know so they can help you through it instead of being on the wrong end of those feelings.

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made Apr 30 at 2015 3:02 PM

MAJ Ken Landgren — Thu, 30 Apr 2015 15:02:30 -0400

We both have it, so it's quite an abnormal marriage at times.

Response by CAPT Kevin B. made Apr 30 at 2015 3:03 PM

CAPT Kevin B. — Thu, 30 Apr 2015 15:03:13 -0400

Hmm. I had bouts with it most my career. Always simmering below the surface. My wife knew the magma pool was there but didn't pressurize it. She supported me having some space to work with counselors, etc. So it took me 17 years to blow, but it was a puddle of tears, all about letting go. After relating the dark times, she just said, "I knew something happened then, but figured you'd tell me when it was time." That was just a few years ago. So 39 years and still going strong. She never revisited it and we're both happy the screams in the night are in the distant past.

So my lesson is to work with counselors to help you tee up the conversation, tears, etc. with your loved ones. You are not in the right mental state to decide on you own what's necessarily best. Good counseling can show you all the pathways. Like Art Fern (Johnny Carson) said, "When you hit a fork in the road, take it."

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 30 at 2015 3:24 PM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 30 Apr 2015 15:24:45 -0400

I've been in for about 13 years. It took me 10 years to finally go see a counselor about it. Up until then, I had buried it and never really dealt with it. I was always quick to anger. I knew something needed to change when I started getting angry at my children for simple things. Like, yelling and screaming angry. I knew something had to change and be done. After I talked with a counselor I had a sessions with my wife and finally told her everything I'd been keeping in. Things have improved since we talked because she is more understanding of things now and she has gone to see counselors as well. We as Soldiers will always have PTS/PTSD, it doesn't go away, but we can learn to handle it, then help out others with the same issues. I think when you are able to help others with PTSD then you have moved into a part of life that will be easier for you.

Response by 1SG Joe Messier made Apr 30 at 2015 3:46 PM

1SG Joe Messier — Thu, 30 Apr 2015 15:46:42 -0400

Taryn, This is how I see things. Post Traumatic Stress and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder are two completely different subjects. Post Traumatic Stress is the body and minds normal response to an uncommon or unusual event. Example: A car accident causes you blood pressure to go up and you get jittery. These are temporary normal responses to an unusual event. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is exactly that a disorder. Example: Since I had my car accident whenever I get in a car I sweat and start to get jittery and my blood pressure goes up. This is an unusual response to a circumstance based on previous events that has altered your response to a life event. A new "normal" has been created.

There, now that I'm off my soapbox.

I am closer to my spouse in some aspects and more distant in others. Most of the closer stuff is her doing and most of the distance stuff is my doing. I can get up in front of a crowd and make people laugh or share Army stories with old friends without a problem. We get home and my wife says "The story you and xxxx were talking about, how come you never told me that story before?" I used to say "It never came up." (Public Extrovert/Private introvert) This created distance, and for me this was safe. When in reality I should have realized she's the one that really knows me and is the one I should have shared the story with in the first place. Exposing myself to the one that knows me makes me vulnerable and uncomfortable. I've tried to grow a bit, now I try to say "Sit down I'll tell you about it right now, then we wind up talking for hours. Uncomfortable? Yeah sometimes, but it beats sleeping alone.

Response by MAJ Robert (Bob) Petrarca made Apr 30 at 2015 3:55 PM

MAJ Robert (Bob) Petrarca — Thu, 30 Apr 2015 15:55:04 -0400

PTS changes your individual life. That change in life and how you and your spouse deal with it is what will affect your marriage. IMHO, PTS is a life altering event (LAE) in the ranks of any other serious physical or mental illness. Dealing with how any of those affect your life and eventually your relationship would be no different.

My wife and I have both dealt with near death illnesses and changes in our health. If you choose to accept what you have and move on to live life the best you can, your spouse will hopefully support you and your lives will change together. Because we have always had a strong and communicating relationship, we have stood by each other and helped one another to see the issues through.

If you don't have a strong relationship to begin with built on communication and friendship as well as love, it's only going to make the stress of dealing with a LAE that much harder and that is what will lead to complications in the marriage. "For better or worse" really hits home when dealing with a LAE. Communications is the key to a lot of things. If you aren't communicating daily or are withholding and/or lying then things blow out of proportion rapidly. If you need help communicating, The military and vet organizations offer couples retreats all the time to get you back in synch.

Counseling is a tool, not something to be ashamed of. Use it. Both individual and couples counseling can help you first and foremost understand and deal with your individual selves and then be able to deal with you as a couple. If you can't deal with your own issues, how can you come together with your spouse to support them and support each other in building a better marriage.

Hopefully this gives you some things to think about. Its not easy. Marriage is a commitment that you have to work at daily especially when one or both of you are in the middle of life altering events. You take one day at a time and get through it.

Response by LTC John Shaw made Apr 30 at 2015 4:11 PM

LTC John Shaw — Thu, 30 Apr 2015 16:11:14 -0400

SPC Private RallyPoint Member I was in total denial when I got home and the wife/family and I had a hard time adjusting to my return from my Afghanistan deployment. I kept having anger issues, no sleep/insomnia and my chest would lock up/panic attacks. Finally after going to the emergency room due to what I thought was a heart attack, I decided (with much pushing from my Ms.) to go to the VA to get checked on.

This started couple and PTSD counseling and communication is much better, we have a learned what to focus on and how to improve family and couple life together. No relationship is perfect, but all in all I believe we are better off due to the counseling.

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made Apr 30 at 2015 4:32 PM

MAJ Ken Landgren — Thu, 30 Apr 2015 16:32:51 -0400

I have seen numerous couples in their 20s divorce due to PTSD. I think their pivotal point are the changes which they cant handle. Older couples tend say how do we adjust to these changes and better the marriages. I must commend the spouses because they are experiencing the fallout of PTSD.

Response by SPC Christian Ziegler made Apr 30 at 2015 4:31 PM

SPC Christian Ziegler — Thu, 30 Apr 2015 16:31:52 -0400

I have PTSD, my wife does not. That said I have a Mancave to get away to, once I get mad, later I try to come back and explain why I got mad or lost my cool. Im happy to say she kinda gets where im coming from her father and grandfather where Army too.
I don't leave the house much but for her once a month we have a BBQ at our home for her friends and some coworkers. I also try to give her anything within means that I know makes her happy to kinda make up for the fact we don't do things like normal couples.

Response by COL Charles Williams made Apr 30 at 2015 8:30 PM

COL Charles Williams — Thu, 30 Apr 2015 20:30:08 -0400

Well, since you both know you have it, you need to work through it, and see a counselor who can assist you. You can be helped, if you both want to be helped. I have PTSD, TBI and a Masters in counseling.... So I can tell you "you can do this, if you want to, and don't be afraid to ask for help. Thanks for sharing and thanks for your service.

Response by Cpl Patrick Reade made Apr 30 at 2015 10:19 PM

Cpl Patrick Reade — Thu, 30 Apr 2015 22:19:08 -0400

I hold what I remember inside. I have told her what I have been through but I still don't think it clicks that My men got hurt because of a decision I made.it eats at the core, I think about it daily and I know it shows. The back of my head is full of revenge and disappointment. The worst part is so few understand.

Response by 1SG Private RallyPoint Member made May 1 at 2015 12:27 AM

1SG Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 01 May 2015 00:27:54 -0400

I didn't realize it at the time - actually about a month ago - but PTSD was the beginning of the end for my happy marriage. Suddenly, I had things I couldn't talk to my wife about. She was pregnant with our first child at the time, and I just wasn't "happy enough" about it for her. So she held back as well.
I had no idea how much that had affected her until she told me she didn't love me anymore. So much water went under the bridge after that first time I couldn't tell her what I was experiencing, but she never forgot.

Resist the urge to bury your feelings SPC Private RallyPoint Member. He needs to understand what you are going through, and you him. I urge you to seek out counseling and opportunities for stress-free retreats where you can relax and enjoy each other's company.

PTSD is hard.
Divorce is devastating.
Both together can be lethal.

Hang in there. Some of us understand all too well what you are going through.

Response by SSG Donald Mceuen made May 1 at 2015 9:06 AM

SSG Donald Mceuen — Fri, 01 May 2015 09:06:03 -0400

Well got to say i have been married 33 yrs. And my loving wife put up with me for the last
24 yrs. And it has not been easy for her but i am now getting help. And we have gotten closer

Response by TSgt Douglas Withers made May 1 at 2015 1:24 PM

TSgt Douglas Withers — Fri, 01 May 2015 13:24:33 -0400

PTSD is a little to late for Veteran of Wars before PTSD was identified. We cope with our problems, not knowing what was cause us to behave in an unprofessional matter.. Like myself, Vietnam Vet, I returned from Vietnam in 1972 with a feeling of betrayal by my Government. As a professional airman I did not wish to continue serving that Government, which I defended for only 22 years. I resigned in 1975. prematurely of only 22 years of service instead of 30 years.
Being in civilian life at over 40, I was overly qualified in seeking a respectable job. With that in mind, I literally went into a spinning nose dive and did not recover until 1983. I was admitted at VA Hospital for detoxification, there was a lost of 8 years in my life, my wife filed a divorce. But with a renew life, I continue to build a new life. Got married and had a "helpmate", and we are celebrating over 23 years of bliss. S
What is PTSD? "a "Plan That Started a Destructive" lifestyle. Before being identified as a cause.

Response by LTC Gavin Heater made May 1 at 2015 9:03 PM

LTC Gavin Heater — Fri, 01 May 2015 21:03:45 -0400

I served for 27 years, both Active and Reserves, transferring to the Retired Reserves in 2013. I married in 2000, and we are still happily married despite two long deployments, battalion command and brigade staff assignments. While never diagnosed with PTSD, I tend to be short fused when under stress, both at home and at work. Reintegration was tough after each deployment, but we were tougher. Transitioning post retirement has proven more challenging. We support each other mutually, rely on friends and family to balance us, and we have our faith. Marriage takes work, but the effort is worthwhile.

Response by CPL Jay Freeman made May 2 at 2015 11:46 PM

CPL Jay Freeman — Sat, 02 May 2015 23:46:23 -0400

My wiring is wrong I know this I laugh from time to time at no real reason at the time. My wife asked me what I laughed at I said the time I almost died. She said what's funny about that and I said for sum odd reason god kept me around for this stupid sh** needless to say I have my good days and bad days. And I am aware that I should be thankful I am a live when some of my buddies are not but like us all I'm sure we all have had our days

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made Oct 6 at 2015 11:10 PM

MAJ Ken Landgren — Tue, 06 Oct 2015 23:10:34 -0400

My wife and I have a covenant that we can't break. Our words are gold.

Response by CH (CPT) Heather Davis made Oct 6 at 2015 11:21 PM

CH (CPT) Heather Davis — Tue, 06 Oct 2015 23:21:51 -0400

PTSD impacts veterans in different areas combat injury, prolonged intense combat exposure, Military Sexual Trauma, cause readjustment difficulties and cause emotional numbing. In many cases couples lose intimacy and rely on alcohol, drug addiction, and sexual addiction. In many cases PTSD can be transmitted to the next generation.

Response by CH (CPT) Heather Davis made Oct 6 at 2015 11:23 PM

CH (CPT) Heather Davis — Tue, 06 Oct 2015 23:23:52 -0400

The gaps in how low estrogen creates vulnerability in female veterans.
The gaps in understanding how to integrate resiliency with those that are genetically vulnerable by childhood PTSD.
More recent research has revealed that individuals with PTSD have higher cortisol levels just prior to, during, and immediately after a cognitive challenge task (Bremner et al., 2003).

Response by CH (CPT) Heather Davis made Oct 6 at 2015 11:24 PM

CH (CPT) Heather Davis — Tue, 06 Oct 2015 23:24:25 -0400

Connection with childhood trauma
Understanding low estrogen and how women are vulnerable to PTSD.
Estrogen is a protective barrier
More in-depth research on Amygdale hi-jack
Furthermore, William and Bernstein’s (2011) review reports finding that MST “poses a risk for developing PTSD that is as high as or is higher than the risk from combat exposure” (p. 142).

Response by CH (CPT) Heather Davis made Oct 6 at 2015 11:26 PM

CH (CPT) Heather Davis — Tue, 06 Oct 2015 23:26:22 -0400

Common Trauma or Stress Symptoms
•Dissociation (numbing, detachment, lack of affect, being in a daze)
•Trauma is persistently reexperienced(nightmares, repetitive play, flashbacks)
•Avoidance (anhedonia, hopelessness)
•Increased arousal (poor sleep & concentration, irritability)
•Depressed mood
•Suicidal ideation & history of attempts
•Disruptive behavioral symptoms
•Clinically significant distress

Response by CH (CPT) Heather Davis made Oct 6 at 2015 11:30 PM

CH (CPT) Heather Davis — Tue, 06 Oct 2015 23:30:28 -0400

The vicious cycle of intergenerational PTSD due to the maladaptive family dynamics and the early trauma that shapes the individual's personality and emotional regulation. The early childhood trauma leaves a wounded soul and trust has been violated leaving the individual shaken to it's core. The multi-generational factors of how children with childhood PTSD are at a high risk for increased emotional and behavior problems. Generations of addictions create a cycle of emotional numbing and leave behind interpersonal problems relating to intimacy, anger, dysregulation, and hinders the aspect of communication. Substance abuse parallels with PTSD resulting in hostility, difficulty in reintegration, lack of cohesion, which impacts the mental distress, family functioning and parenting (Foa, E. B., Ehlers, A., Clark, D. M., Tolin, D. F. and Orsukkims S. N. (1999).

Response by CH (CPT) Heather Davis made Oct 6 at 2015 11:31 PM

CH (CPT) Heather Davis — Tue, 06 Oct 2015 23:31:23 -0400

The earlier pattern within the family system has a direct correlation on intimacy and strong attachments, which is duplicated in the maturation of the children and the aging of the parents. The intense, disturbing trauma that becomes embedded in the child's memory often undermines the child's ability to maintain secure attachments with their family and future romantic relationships (Ruscio, 2002).The hidden enemy of stagnation that often leaves many abused children stuck in their unresolved phase that imprisons their mindset in the past and cripples, their future and their family's mental health and welfare in the process. The vital importance of creating a new norm and debilitate and foster our ability to restore trust, safety, by reframing the individuals thought process on shame, guilt (Ruscio, 2002).

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made Dec 17 at 2015 12:02 PM

MAJ Ken Landgren — Thu, 17 Dec 2015 12:02:23 -0500

I remind myself and my wife that I love her. I also recognize marriage is a covenant that should not be broken unless serious indiscretions occur.

Response by SSG Audwin Scott made Dec 17 at 2015 1:11 PM

SSG Audwin Scott — Thu, 17 Dec 2015 13:11:19 -0500

More distance, so distant that I moved out and started divorce papers.

Response by Capt Tom Brown made Jul 3 at 2016 1:45 PM

Capt Tom Brown — Sun, 03 Jul 2016 13:45:22 -0400

SPC Private RallyPoint Member Seeing this thread from a year ago I am moved to inquire if you are continuing to work things out and have benefited from counseling and other ways of coping with this horrible condition. Best to you and yours in yr joint struggle.

Response by SP5 Joel McDargh made Sep 11 at 2016 5:32 PM

SP5 Joel McDargh — Sun, 11 Sep 2016 17:32:21 -0400

First, one has to realize PTSD owns the individual; that individual does not own it. For any counselor or shrink to say "Get over it and move on" are assholes unto themselves who think they have the answer for everything...or a damn pill which will put one's mind in a state of out-of-body experience. There are coping mechanisms, but the truth of the matter is that those who suffer this indignity will always have that part of him or herself always having that demon hanging in the shadows waiting to show its ugly self. For the most part PTSD did cost me my first marriage and the loss of a son and grandchildren. Been married to my second wife for twenty eight years now and she knows my triggers and is well versed in how to deal with me when I lose it. Understanding what and how PTSD affects a person is the first step in combating it. Hope and pray you and your husband are able to find your way home and have a sane and happy marriage. God bless.

Response by SGT Timothy Byrd made Sep 15 at 2016 12:23 PM

SGT Timothy Byrd — Thu, 15 Sep 2016 12:23:37 -0400

Unfortunately my spouse called it quits with the marriage because she felt that me having PTSD was my problem to fix & that it shouldn't affect her life.

Response by PFC John Henry Parker made Feb 10 at 2018 9:05 AM

PFC John Henry Parker — Sat, 10 Feb 2018 09:05:10 -0500

https://vimeo.com/253898431

Part 1: Transitioning Veterans Audiobook Explainer Video (Closed Caption)

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Response by PFC John Henry Parker made Feb 10 at 2018 9:05 AM

PFC John Henry Parker — Sat, 10 Feb 2018 09:05:23 -0500

https://vimeo.com/253862435

Part 2 Managing Triggers and Emotional Responses (Closed Captioned)

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