How have fellow veterans dealt with toxic friendships after service?

2017-04-29T09:14:50-04:00

Bacground: fellow veteran, highly analytical, constantly comparing/trying to one up, thinks there is only one way to go about things. Directs, dictates, assumes vs having a conversation. You don't want to leave a battle buddy hanging but, this friendship is not healthy.

Response by SPC Erich Guenther made Apr 29 at 2017 9:36 AM

2017-04-29T09:36:35-04:00

Heh, I have siblings like that so your lucky you can just end the friendship and not have to deal with it at extended family get togethers. However, yes best to end the friendship and tell them why and seriously it is their issue not yours.

Response by SCPO Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 29 at 2017 11:51 PM

2017-04-29T23:51:53-04:00

Long ago, my father taught me the value of immediately ignoring nasty, caustic people. It was easy to walk away, and never look back. That was forty-five years ago after I returned home from Viet Nam. Ain't missed out on anything or anyone since.

Response by PO2 Christopher Morehouse made Apr 30 at 2017 8:52 AM

2017-04-30T08:52:51-04:00

I have found that some veterans like to latch on to other veterans out in the civilian world - for better or worse. If you served with the person, then I understand the difficulty in wanting to cut ties. But, that doesn't change the calculus: if they aren't good to be around, then stop being around them. If they are someone you met since you left, then it should just be even easier. They are no different than anyone else you met. Veterans may have a common bond in many ways, but it does not mean you have to deal with their BS.

Response by Cpl Justin Goolsby made Apr 30 at 2017 6:20 PM

2017-04-30T18:20:54-04:00

I have never dealt with someone within ranks. Most of the people who have been cut from my life were civilians. Now, the way it sounds, it sounds like your buddy hasn't left the military. Was he ahead of you in rank or maybe he would have picked up before he got out. It doesn't sound like he's being a friend, it sounds like he's treating you like a junior troop.

You don't want to leave a buddy hanging, so I think the best thing for you to do is talk with him. You've identified the friendship as toxic. So if it continues, you walk away. But you have to at least talk with him about your concerns.

Response by 1LT Voyle Smith made Oct 10 at 2020 9:48 AM

2020-10-10T09:48:26-04:00

Walk away.

Response by Lt Col Jim Coe made Oct 10 at 2020 10:19 AM

2020-10-10T10:19:59-04:00

Your friend seems insecure, but he isn’t your problem. How you react to his behavior is your choice. My first reaction is to tell you to walk away from the relationship. We just don’t need a-holes in our lives.

If you want to help him rather than avoid him then it’s a bigger challenge and risk for you. You’ll have to confront him about the undesirable behaviors. He may not know how he appears to others. You’ll need to try to help him change if he wants. It’s a big challenge and you might have to help him find professional counseling.

Either way pray for him.