How have you dealt with losing family? Both civilian family and military friends.

2015-03-27T13:02:56-04:00

Many of us have lost family both blood family and our uniformed family. How do you go about coping with their loses without losing yourself in the process? Please share some of your personal experiences as guidance

Response by MSG Private RallyPoint Member made Mar 27 at 2015 1:35 PM

2015-03-27T13:35:11-04:00

Simply put, I take it one day at a time and remember all the good times we had shared.

Response by SSG Paul Setterholm made Jun 14 at 2015 1:30 PM

2015-06-14T13:30:26-04:00

I had a soldier that was bright, cheerful, all around great kid. The was he had a drinking problem. I spent extra time trying to mentor him. He died in alcohol related car accident. I felt bad that I wasn't able to prevent it.

Response by CDR Michael Goldschmidt made Jun 15 at 2015 6:47 PM

2015-06-15T18:47:36-04:00

Some of us never get over losing our military friends, if they were close and true friends, not just shipmates. Mine was a Marine Helicopter Pilot I met during our first week in flight school, 1984. He was the brother I never had. In time, one thinks of them less, but the hurt never really goes away. I'm sorry, but you're joining a unique family, Mr. Shado, but you already know that, being one of "the aggregation that is known across the nation as the boys from down in Crabtown on the Bay". Welcome TF aboard!

Response by CAPT Kevin B. made Jun 15 at 2015 7:07 PM

2015-06-15T19:07:11-04:00

Family and shipmates? Same feelings; anger, loss, learn to move on. That's because they were all family.

Response by CPT Private RallyPoint Member made Jun 15 at 2015 7:16 PM

2015-06-15T19:16:01-04:00

LTJG Private RallyPoint Member,

Unfortunately, this is a topic I'm quite familiar with. (Although, I am sure many other service members are, as well.)

Back in 2003, I was a young E-3, training up to go to Afghanistan.

I remember the day like it was yesterday.

Over 3 months into being at our mob-station at Fort Dix, NJ (on account of a mission change and uncertainty of whether we would even deploy or not deploy), and I was sitting with a group of my battle buddies, outside our barracks, cleaning my weapon.

At that time, we were just a few days from departing CONUS...something like 2 or 3 days until we departed.

My 1SG approached me, told me to assemble my weapon, and get in his vehicle because he had to take me to see the CO.

Curious, I pried a little.

Even with a clean conscience, I couldn't help but wonder if I had done something wrong and was about to get UCMJ/Article 15 for something.

He looked at me intently and told me it was best if I just spoke to the CO directly.

In his office, my CO had to break the news to me that one of my family members had passed away that day. The circumstances were both accidental and tragic.

That day, even as a 19 y/o PFC, I saw firsthand the $hitty part of an officer's job.

Officers get ragged on a bit, but, most people don't envy THAT part of the job whatsoever, that's for sure.

It didn't just end with his talking to me, but, he also had to drive me almost 2 hours from Fort Dix, NJ to my home, in Pennsylvania. If all that weren't bad enough, he had to drop me off at home--with my family gathered in tears as he looked on.

Though likely the butt of a few jokes among my private peers, I gained a new respect for officers that day.

Now, some may not be so fortunate, but, at that time, I was given the choice of whether or not to deploy. By the time of the funeral, I recall leaving the funeral home, packing up a few things, and then driving back to Fort Dix, NJ to board a plane the next day. I can't say definitively what I would do now--then, I was torn between service to country (and, this wasn't too long after 9/11, so at least the tides of public support for the war effort were alive and kicking, at that time) and being there for my family.

Had I been my CO then, I certainly wouldn't look down on a Soldier if, had they been given the option, if they chose to stay home/not deploy, considering the circumstances.

It was an extremely challenging deployment, to say the least.

This wasn't 'combat related', however, as far as resources, I found it helpful to talk to someone at a combat stress clinic on base.

The chaplain, also, was a great resource. (Well, while I was speaking to him, he actually departed theater midway through our deployment. I was just told that his wife was very 'stressed out' with him gone so long, so he had to return home to tend to her. In a way, I was a little bitter...as I was a 19 y/o there dealing with the tragic loss of my family member, but, he had left theater because, I was told, his wife was 'stressed out'. There may be more to that story, but I doubt I'll ever find out.)

I told myself that, if I ever commissioned or made it into the NCO ranks, I'd never look down on a Soldier for utilizing those resources. There is a time for 'toughness' in the military, but then there is also a time where people just need to be taken care of.

Leaders need to be attuned to their troops, and be continually assessing them, at all times.

Take ammo away--and lock it up--if there are any indicators that they could be a danger to themselves or to others.

Link them up with resources: combat stress, behavioral health, chaplains, ensure they get briefings/pamphlets, etc....

As far as coping with losses like that, you either let it get the best of you, or you learn to channel those experiences to become a better leader.

Response by SPC Lyle Montgomery made Oct 15 at 2021 8:19 AM

2021-10-15T08:19:08-04:00

One instance that I had to deal with is a very good friend of mine who I went to school with from first grade through high school died in Vietnam while I was on leave after returning from Vietnam. I was a palbearer in uniform at his funeral. I wonder how his life would have been. I was an Army grunt in Vietnam and thank God that I made it out OK.

Response by LT Hefsiba Cohen made Nov 4 at 2021 4:06 AM

2021-11-04T04:06:34-04:00

Losing friends and loved ones (including my Marine husband) was particularly difficult. Most of these deaths in the military were actually due to suicides as opposed to enemy fire. I think you get past the instances but you do not necessarily "get over" them. Processing grief is hard when you're in the middle of rigorous military activity, and I didn't grieve properly. Today, 20 yrs later, I still have unprocessed grief adding to PTSD.