How many friends must we bury?

2019-09-26T12:06:42-04:00

We all have at least one. Someone we knew, maybe with whom we were close, maybe not. And the truth is, we have all had those same thoughts, those same feelings, one time or another. It might not have been the crisis that put us at death’s door, but if we look closely at ourselves, we knew we were in the neighborhood.

Every person who serves knows they are part of a unit, a single entity that collectively succeeds in the mission or fails. And on this, we all know we have failed.

How?

There are lots of reasons. It’s too complex for us to point to any one cause. But we know that there was not one choice, but dozens that led our brothers and sisters to seek relief on the other side. And we say, “if only they could have talked to someone…” But what would someone say?

I have some ideas.

Leaving the military is traumatic.
Trauma: emotional shock following a stressful event or a physical injury, which may be associated with physical shock and sometimes leads to long-term neurosis.
Note that every veteran describes transition as extremely stressful and emotional, and some may lead to long-term neurosis. That isn’t a given, but it’s definitely not definitively a possibility.

We should be preparing ourselves and our service-siblings for the event, and make the conversation regular. We cannot start at the point of crisis. The first time we talk about mental health cannot be when we talk about suicide. That’s like trying to teach defensive driving on the highway at the point of 70mph impact. We have to start sooner, when we are in service, and we have to talk about very specific things, so we don’t continue to think of mental health of as something that says we are broken. Here are 5 talking points that we need to hammer home, every day, with every one of those with whom we have the great honor and privilege to serve:

1.) The stress of transition is normal. It’s a symptom of your brain reacclimating to a new set of circumstances. The brain literally changes itself to make decisions more efficient according to the assumptions it sees in the world around it. When everything changes, it takes time for the brain to get out of those patterns and habits. It takes time and effort.

2.) At first, the simplest things make the biggest difference. Quit drinking. Get as much sleep as possible. Eat healthily. Exercise. Hydrate. Journal. Go see a therapist to help you through this phase. Any one of those might improve your mood by 15-20%. Combined, I guarantee they will change your outlook on life for the better, and probably for the long run. And don’t be afraid to emphasize these things to everyone you talk to.

3.) Professional help is the best help. Once you’ve “stopped the bleeding” and are practicing the things you know are good for you, you can work through the harder stuff much, much easier. It’s just a question of getting your brain and mind to work for you, and not against you.

4.) You’ll do it over and over. Just when you think that you’ve figured it out in one domain in your life, you’ll find that you still have work to do in others. Keep working on it. The only time we should stop growing and changing is in death, and that should be much, much further down the road.

5.) The only way out is through, but you don’t have to walk this dark path alone. We all can and should continually shine the light and shoulder some of the burden for each other.

We know that we need to talk to each other. We may need some help knowing what to say. But the conversations need to start earlier. And it is our duty, our honor, and our privilege to share every bit of it with each other. For only together will we come out alive.

Eric Burleson is an Army veteran and author of Separating From Service, the Mental Health Handbook for Transitioning Veterans. The book provides veterans and the organizations that serve them a tool to navigate the stress of transition and is available through Amazon or at https://rly.pt/SFS
You can contact Eric at [login to see] . He lives in Austin, Texas with his wife and three children.

Separating From Service

Program for veteran transition to optimize mental health for transitioning military veterans.

Response by SGT David A. 'Cowboy' Groth made Sep 26 at 2019 12:13 PM

2019-09-26T12:13:21-04:00

Too many to count that I knew.

Response by Lt Col Charlie Brown made Sep 26 at 2019 12:33 PM

2019-09-26T12:33:08-04:00

All good points. We need to make it part of our day to day conversations

Response by Cpl Jeff N. made Sep 26 at 2019 12:35 PM

2019-09-26T12:35:55-04:00

You shouldn't try to speak for all/everyone. I have no idea why you think transitioning from the armed forces is some sort of monumental task.

Separating from the service is not traumatic. It is a simple life decision. It is no more complex than any other person deciding to change jobs or perhaps career paths. Some of you in the "transition marketplace" are over complicating this likely to sell books or other material. You don't need professional/therapists etc. help to leave the armed forces. It is not that big of a deal. I think too many of you over complicate a simple process.

This is not a "dark path". It is, for most, a decision they willingly make to leave the service just like they made a decision to join originally.

I left the service almost 35 years ago. There were no transition classes, no assistance. You checked out of your unit, perhaps a firm handshake from your CO/Sgt Maj and you were off to your new life. It was actually liberating. You were in full control of yourself again. Responsible for any good or bad that happens. You had to get yourself going every day, make your own way, figure things out, lean on your training and experience to make things happen. The reality is you should be better equipped than your civilian counterparts.

You have painted a dark, scary picture of something that is simple, straight forward and frankly your own decision (most of the time).

Response by LtCol Robert Quinter made Sep 26 at 2019 12:47 PM

2019-09-26T12:47:47-04:00

I suppose the lucky ones regard the transition as merely another hill to climb and pity the civilians who will have to compete with them. A shame that attitude can't be transferred to all.

Response by SFC Michael D. made Sep 26 at 2019 2:48 PM

2019-09-26T14:48:25-04:00

Real good stuff.

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Sep 26 at 2019 3:50 PM

2019-09-26T15:50:13-04:00

A very god post.

Response by Sgt Dale Cusack made Sep 26 at 2019 4:21 PM

2019-09-26T16:21:17-04:00

I recently participated in a course "Safe Talk" sponsored by a local PFC Dwyer chapter. If you can find one in your area, I highly recommend taking the training to learn how to recognize the signs and guide someone you think may be going down this path to get the help they need. I pray that I never have to use this training but hope that I can use it to help just 1 take the right steps to helping themselves back to the right path.

Response by Sgt Mike Green made Sep 28 at 2019 7:46 PM

2019-09-28T19:46:41-04:00

I've personally known three men who not long after leaving the military committed suicide . They had all hit a rough spot in their lives, but none of them had a real reason to kill themselves. Life is full of ups and downs. Either way they all will pass. The best way to survive is to take straight on your problems. If they would have looked around they would have seen that compared to others. Their problems were small and petty. But they never thought things through. They never thought about the others that actions affected their mothers and fathers, the rest of their families. Suicide is the ultimate act of cowardice. The Ultimate betrayal of your loved ones.

Response by PO2 Michael Martin made Sep 29 at 2019 7:56 AM

2019-09-29T07:56:54-04:00

SSG Burleson, Very nicely said. This is a great reminder of things we all know and should do but seems to fall through the cracks for some of us. Your right, talk, and talk often. I know it works because I'm living proof but I still see all the doctor because this is an ongoing problem for me and I know for so many more. I'm going on 12 years of coping with my problems but like I said, it's a work in progress. I appreciate you bringing this to our attention. We need this and we need each other who knows what we go though everyday. Again, my gratitude to you.

SK2 Martin

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made Sep 29 at 2019 2:01 PM

2019-09-29T14:01:37-04:00

I like to think we need to find something or someone to live for. Through the toughest times we must have a constant in a ebb and flowing life. Something to grasp, something that will keep your fighting.

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2019-10-07T10:17:45-04:00

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Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 11 at 2019 10:30 AM

2019-10-11T10:30:24-04:00

Maybe if we stop responding to soldiers’ problems with discussions that devolve into “look how tough I used to be” d*ck waving contests they’d trust us to lead them to solutions.

Response by PO2 Michael Martin made Oct 13 at 2019 2:58 PM

2019-10-13T14:58:26-04:00

Brother Eric, this is full of great information for anyone separating or not. This is just solid info. It hits close to home so i'm glad you put it out there.

God Bless you brother

SK2 Martin

Response by PFC Donnie Harold Harris made Oct 19 at 2019 7:49 AM

2019-10-19T07:49:19-04:00

I have them every day every hour every minute of every day. "I am so saddened how our generation to a family farm and turned it into a gravel pit for corporations."

Response by SGT Bonnie B. made Nov 6 at 2019 9:14 PM

2019-11-06T21:14:47-05:00

The problem is most people do not understand the rigors of military life and the subsequent mental health issues the arise. I myself have PTSD, OCD, Anxiety, and Depression and my own family does not understand or believe in it; this leaves me a lot of times locked inside a silent world of torment with no one to talk to and it is overwhelming at times. My way right now of dealing w it is to ignore it and help others with their problems as it distracts me from my issues; we need to equip or troops with better tools, their families and the civilian sector.

Response by SSG David Kaelin made Nov 9 at 2019 4:19 PM

2019-11-09T16:19:16-05:00

I left the military with no reservations and was happy to do it.

I felt that I'd outgrown what the Army was going to be for me at that time. The Army seemed like a kids game or like a perpetual Freshman year of college. The transition was easy for me. I had saved money to finance my move and I had a plan.
The Plan...fell to the wayside and I went all kinds of different ways.

I've since traveled the world and written a book. It wasn't all easy. It wasn't all a party. Though much of it was. Perhaps, I was lucky. I don't know.

I've never understood why people think leaving the military is so difficult. I do understand that there are aspects of the military that cannot be replicated in civilian life. The tight camaraderie is one.

I grew up the child of an alcoholic. Chaos was my constant companion. That may have helped. I usually thrive in chaos.

I've never understood why so many try to make it seems as though leaving the military is a death sentence. I remember when I was in, the retention folks would try to scare you by preaching about Burger King. "Good luck out there. You'll have fun working at Burger King." As if the only job one could possibly obtain or that was possibly available to Veterans was a job flipping burgers. That was always the line when they weren't reaching their retention numbers. lol

I think we need to stop telling Veterans that the transition is difficult (or that it's easy). It is a transition. The level of discomfort one faces upon leaving the military is almost entirely dependent upon the individual.

What did you do to prepare for it? What is your plan?

The most difficult aspect of leaving the military is that there will no longer be anyone there to wipe your ass for you. One not only must wipe one's own ass. One must actually purchase the TP to do so...and have had the forethought to have done so before having sat down on the porcelain throne.

Response by CPL Kevin Lloyd-Thomas made Nov 19 at 2019 6:27 PM

2019-11-19T18:27:33-05:00

Eric is absolutely right. I'm an Australian Army, Infantry, Vietnam veteran, two tours, forward scout, machine gunner, section commander, long range recce platoon. I work in the area of veteran support for veterans of more recent conflicts. BeatPTSDnow.com

Response by SGM Thomas Adderley made Nov 21 at 2019 8:24 AM

2019-11-21T08:24:56-05:00

All good points, BUT you must realize and accept that death personal or otherwise is not only a fact of life but also a day to day fact/reality of this profession and we all must learn to accept it.

Response by PO2 Danny Ward made Dec 28 at 2019 8:25 AM

2019-12-28T08:25:05-05:00

Many of my classmates, as well as me, were designated to go to Vietnam. All of us came back, but many carried the scars. Those scars were not only physical endured by combat. I have lost far too many because of Vietnam. I am one of the fortunate ones who had a few of the physical, as well as the psychological scars. If you want to see the scars, visit your local VA Medical Centers to see what has happened to the veterans coming back from all the wars from WWII through those being fought today.

Response by SSG Michael Yates made Jan 14 at 2020 10:14 AM

2020-01-14T10:14:45-05:00

Great article. I’ve had the suicide attempt after going through lengthy divorce.!

Response by Maj Scott Kiger, M.A.S. made Apr 13 at 2020 3:08 PM

2020-04-13T15:08:37-04:00

Excellent share

Response by SSG Roger Ayscue made Jul 4 at 2020 1:08 AM

2020-07-04T01:08:15-04:00

Don't Judge, Don't berate and Don't not answer the phone.