How should I deal with leaving my family, and my kids in particular, to join the military?

SPC Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 01 Nov 2020 22:07:43 -0500

Serving my country has been a long time desire of mine and at 28, also a way of bettering myself and providing my son with a better future. Unfortunately his mom and I don’t always see eye to eye. I’m at the Hotel today getting ready to ship out tomorrow and me and her had an argument today. It makes it really tough on me. It stresses me out and after an emotional time with my son when I was leaving, I was seriously regretting my decision to go. I’m in the NG and yes it’s part time. But having to leave for 5-6 months is really tough. I almost panicked and reached out to my recruiter on how I can leave. I’m a Christian and I also want to lean on my faith but it’s not easy. Any help?

Response by CSM Charles Hayden made Nov 1 at 2020 10:25 PM

CSM Charles Hayden — Sun, 01 Nov 2020 22:25:53 -0500

Rest easy, do you trust yourself? Then you did a good thing. SPC Private RallyPoint Member

Response by SSgt Christophe Murphy made Nov 1 at 2020 10:26 PM

SSgt Christophe Murphy — Sun, 01 Nov 2020 22:26:15 -0500

If serving your Country was easy everyone would do it. But what you don’t hear enough is how hard it can be on the families. It isn’t easy but the best way to handle it is honesty and open communication.

5-6 months is a drop in the bucket. Lucky for you the Army is a lot more loose on being able to communicate with family while in training. Marine Corps Boot Camp is letters only the entire 3 months. You were compelled to serve and your family will either honor that and be proud or they won’t. You can’t change that no matter how hard you try. Just work hard, lean into your faith for strength and contact your family as often as you can.

Good luck

Response by CPT Jack Durish made Nov 1 at 2020 10:28 PM

CPT Jack Durish — Sun, 01 Nov 2020 22:28:44 -0500

There are consequences to every decision, every action, every word we speak... It is the mark of maturity, of a free person, to take responsibility. Maybe you didn't think this through. Don't worry. That's a very human trait. The ability to see second and third order of consequences is also a mark of maturity, one that even our fearless leaders rarely possess. Your wife will come around, or she won't. She'll stick by you or she'll leave you. You'll learn to say "It is what it is" and accept it. And, you'll mature. Now, focus on the reasons for your decision. Were they good enough to compensate you for the price you're paying? Make a list. Check it twice. Learn. Get a good night's sleep and then do your duty. You'll be a better person for it. So will your wife. So will your son...

Response by SGM Bill Frazer made Nov 1 at 2020 11:56 PM

SGM Bill Frazer — Sun, 01 Nov 2020 23:56:05 -0500

Look it is what it is, you are only be gone 5-6 months- not a year or more. Vietnam- 13 months, I was GF1 gone 13 months. WWII gone for 2-4 years- hardly ever coming home unless wounded. You swore an oath, now it's up to you to live up to it. Is it easy- no but it comes with the duty/job. If you weren't there then some else would have to take your place.. If the was easy, then anyone could do it. You put your faith in yourself, your unit/training, and God, who can do all things. You will have time to send letters/make calls, video conference with your child. A lot better than my exchanging cassette tapes with my family- I was lucky if I got 1out in a 30-45 day period, and was lucky if one could find me every 30 days. You are not the 1st one this has happened too, and you won't be the last. You learn to stand up and suck up, so I day you can tell your kid that you spent time in hell to keep him safe and protected, and it was worth it. Drive on Torres, and God Bless!

Response by Maj John Bell made Nov 2 at 2020 12:56 AM

Maj John Bell — Mon, 02 Nov 2020 00:56:43 -0500

It is very common for couples to argue more in the months and weeks prior to a long deployment. There is a psychological term for it, but I can't remember it. It is a coping mechanism that makes it easier to turn your back, board the bus and go. During my time we didn't have the world wide web and a 5 minute phone call from Istanbul turkey to Jacksonville NC was about $70. But being separated sucks no matter how good or bad the communication is to home. You will get through it.

Response by SGT Robert Wager made Nov 2 at 2020 1:05 AM

SGT Robert Wager — Mon, 02 Nov 2020 01:05:12 -0500

This is a hard time for both you and your family. Your wife and your child are going to deal with your decision and learn that the Army is an evil mistress. She calls when you are least prepared to handle it.

How you deal with it is not a cookie cutter recipe. Letting your spouse vent and tell you about the problems at home and taking the time to listen and empathize with her goes a long way. You are going to be homesick, you are going to have a thousand regrets that is normal. If you allow yourself to be consumed by those emotions you are going to fail. If you persevere and fight through those emotions you will be giving yourself and your family opportunities few others have.

I wish you well

Response by MAJ Private RallyPoint Member made Nov 2 at 2020 8:26 AM

MAJ Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 02 Nov 2020 08:26:35 -0500

It's never easy leaving kids, no matter how long. Remember why you made this choice. You are setting an example for your kids, honoring your dream and keeping your commitment (to the contract you signed). Continue to lean on your faith, read scripture (there are plenty of stories of struggle) and attend chapel. Write letters and/or journal. You will eventually get phone time and can talk to them. This is the first of many trips away from family, it doesn't get easier but you all will adapt.

Response by CWO3 Private RallyPoint Member made Nov 2 at 2020 10:16 AM

CWO3 Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 02 Nov 2020 10:16:04 -0500

Don't worry about the mule going blind, just keep loading the wagon.

Response by CPT Private RallyPoint Member made Nov 2 at 2020 10:27 AM

CPT Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 02 Nov 2020 10:27:41 -0500

There is a reason why they place all pre basic recruits in the same hotel before they ship. The recruiters can keep tabs on you. Everyone is feeling the same way and considering bailing out at the last minute. Your time in Reception after you step off the bus will be another period of time you'll have nothing but your thoughts spinning your head about leaving.

I deployed to Afghanistan and had mortars fly over head. The most scary thing I experience in the Army so far was the time in Reception surrounded by kids trying to run away or put on suicide watch, and dealing with the batch of kids that recruiters managed to sneak through MEPS (but got stopped at reception) that shouldn't have been there in the first place.

You mentioned this is your "ex-wife". Well, she can't leave you anymore now than she has already. I don't have an "ex-wife" (still together), but among my friends I only have one who isn't constantly being challenged with demands by his EX or legal games. I don't think appeasing her is actually going to change anything anyway. Win or lose, stay or leave, ex-spouses are still going to be a thorn in your side.

That said, I don't know your financial situation, but being in the NG/USAR now is going to take a significant financial burden off your shoulders in regard to providing health insurance for your kid. You don't know it now, but in a years time you should feel the benefit. Maybe that will carry on for decades to come.

Another significant benefit you have is knowing what you know about relationships.

I saw two pairs marry while I was in Basic and AIT. I'm sure they are long divorced by now. How could they think they were going to discover each other in such a controlled environment. All the stresses they were experiencing that brought them together were simulated in a training environment.

One pair, the female was originally engaged to a guy in BCT. Upon graduation of BCT she dumped him, and then literally ended up marrying a guy in AIT. Wow I thought (39 at the time), the kid in BCT might not know it now, but one day he's going to grow up and realize how lucky he is he dodged that bullet.

I don't see you doing anything that stupid.

Ignore the stresses.

1) Your ex is to be there as a stress source, she sees that as her mission in life.
2) The Army instructors are there to simulate stress in a training environment, and just about anything they say to stress you out is literally a bluff.
3) Everyone around you in your class is questioning their life decisions right about now.
4) When it is all said and done you'll have locked in a financial obligation through Health Insurance that will be a significant burden off your shoulders in regard to what your ex can demand of you for financial support going forward through the years.
5) Being NG/USAR makes you special in Basic Training. The NG owns you, not big army. There aren't many upsides to this while in Basic and you might feel left out when they call on active duty for various reasons like additional schools recruiting or in/out processing stuff. However, no matter how much it sucks, once your training is over the nonsense ends. You go HOME. The looming threats of smoking and UCMJ cease when you are handed your first DD214 out processing from AIT. Active Duty kids go from one group yelling at them to a new group yelling at them.

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Nov 2 at 2020 10:29 AM

SSG Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 02 Nov 2020 10:29:30 -0500

I have been away from my kids many times, I am also divorced from their mother. So, I feel you. But what I can tell you is this... there will be no greater moment in your adult life that you can reflex back on and say, "I not only told my son what was important, but I showed him" ...

You will do fine. It will pass quickly and you will see you are stronger and your son is stronger because of it. Anything work having is going to require grit and hard work... so, work hard and it will all pay off. The things in life you will be able to provide him through your service will far out weight the few months apart.

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Nov 2 at 2020 10:39 AM

SSG Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 02 Nov 2020 10:39:07 -0500

Unfiltered answer, it'll buff out. It always does. When you get to Basic, trust me, you won't be the only recruit in a similar situation. The best thing about what you mentioned is how you want to provide a better life for your son. His mom doesn't have to be your biggest cheerleader. You know you have your reasons and you'll do right by your son.

And I'm not sure how old your kid is but 5-6 months isn't much time. Due to my ex-wive not going on an oconus assignment with me, I saw my son 2 months out of his first 2 years. Yeah it's hard at times, but you know why you're doing what you're doing, and as he gets older, he'll be proud and thankful for your service.

Response by Lt Col Jim Coe made Nov 2 at 2020 11:19 AM

Lt Col Jim Coe — Mon, 02 Nov 2020 11:19:57 -0500

This is one of the most stressful situations you'll face in your military service. It's always difficult leaving your family, but it's a consequence of wanting to serve your country while providing for your family. One of her main concerns is security. I read somewhere that married women think about security as often as their husbands think about sex. Take that into account in dealing with her. Help her feel secure in your love and commitment to her, your marriage vows, and son.

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Nov 2 at 2020 12:27 PM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 02 Nov 2020 12:27:03 -0500

I recommend that you don’t back out. I’m Christian as well. I definitely got a lot closer to my faith during Basic. It’s a rough time. But, AIT was one of the best times in my life. Show your son that you’re a man of your word. I don’t think you want to tell him “Yeah, I almost served once. But, I backed out.”

Response by SPC Private RallyPoint Member made Nov 2 at 2020 12:37 PM

SPC Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 02 Nov 2020 12:37:29 -0500

I am currently training for an MOS with one of the longest AIT periods, and I have a 4 year old daughter who lives across the country. Every day it is a struggle to be away from her and feel like I am missing major milestones and the little things in her day-to-day life, but I refocus myself and remember that this is a temporary investment for our lives to be easier in the long run. She deserves all of the benefits that this career and training will give me. I remember that, wipe my tears when they come, and get back to school and my job. I FaceTime her nearly every day, pick up little gifts from the px and send them to her, and call as much as I can when I’m not at pt, in class, or pulling fire guard. Is it lonely sometimes? Yes. Do I wish I could bring her out here while I’m at school? Absolutely. But it’s my job to set up the two of us for success, and that’s exactly what I’m doing.

Response by SSG Steven Borders made Nov 2 at 2020 3:11 PM

SSG Steven Borders — Mon, 02 Nov 2020 15:11:37 -0500

SPC Private RallyPoint Member Yes, being separated will be hard. I was 31 and left my then 2, 6, and 8 year old. But guess what, in the military that is something you will have to deal with on more than one occasion. In my career alone I have been to 27 countries, and on mission almost every month. So, with time they will get used to it, may not like but but will be used to it. All I can say is stay strong, and it will be over in a flash and back home with your family.

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Nov 2 at 2020 5:37 PM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 02 Nov 2020 17:37:51 -0500

Everyone deals differently. I had to leave my daughter when she was 3 1/2 two months after she had her kidney transplant to go to SLC. But I had to do it - I had already deferred it 3 times. I had came up on QMP because of that so I had to get it done and I'm just glad she got her transplant before I left so that wasn't something I worried about missing while I was gone.

I'm a single parent also - so my motivation is my daughter. Everything I do is for her to have a better life than I did, especially after all she's been through in her short 6 years of life. When I want to quit, I think of her.

Response by CPT Private RallyPoint Member made Nov 3 at 2020 9:42 AM

CPT Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 03 Nov 2020 09:42:40 -0500

I Think they let you video call your family

Response by SGT Herbert Bollum made Nov 3 at 2020 1:55 PM

SGT Herbert Bollum — Tue, 03 Nov 2020 13:55:29 -0500

I joined at 29 -- it was hard to leave my son home, but I had enlisted for station of choice and was home for Christmas and then stationed only about 60 miles from home for a year.

Response by SPC Mandy Crawford made Nov 4 at 2020 2:59 PM

SPC Mandy Crawford — Wed, 04 Nov 2020 14:59:23 -0500

If you have the time read the book "Can't Hurt Me" by David Goggins (my husband just went through basic training again in his 30th birthday and he is allowed to have books to read during downtime). It will set into the right mindset. Nothing hard comes easy and nothing is forever. As you have said, you are doing it to provide for your son but it is so much more. Your training will show him you preserve and a good role model to look up to. Good luck with your military journey.

Response by CPT Brad Wilson made Nov 4 at 2020 5:25 PM

CPT Brad Wilson — Wed, 04 Nov 2020 17:25:01 -0500

Since you are already leaving it’s a little late to get her involved with your units Family Support Group But when you get a chance have your unit get them in contact with her. Having someone she can talk to that has been through deployments and separations for training is a great help. They also have activities for the families