How to be an introvert and successful in the military?

TSgt Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 28 Jun 2015 21:53:43 -0400

Hello,

I have been in the military for 9 1/2 years and I'm an E6 in the Air Force. Bring an introvert and in a leadership position, I find I struggle with certain things mainly building relationships with others. What I've noticed if you aren't talkative or outgoing no one notices you and forgets about you. I'm aware of the fact that I'm not approachble and people avoid me. What can I do to change this?

Response by CPT Zarin N. made Jun 28 at 2015 10:04 PM

CPT Zarin N. — Sun, 28 Jun 2015 22:04:36 -0400

You might not be giving yourself enough credit. Just because you aren't approachable doesn't mean you're not a good leader, or being looked over and ignored. That being said, the easiest thing to do is get yourself out of your comfort zone. Grab lunch with somebody, listen to what they have to say about their favorite topic. It won't be a fast process, but sometimes, the best way to do is to throw yourself right on in.

Response by Capt Seid Waddell made Jun 28 at 2015 10:31 PM

Capt Seid Waddell — Sun, 28 Jun 2015 22:31:52 -0400

Have you looked into Toastmasters?

https://www.toastmasters.org/

Toastmasters International -Home

Become the Leader and Speaker you want to be

Response by Col Joseph Lenertz made Jun 29 at 2015 8:47 AM

Col Joseph Lenertz — Mon, 29 Jun 2015 08:47:43 -0400

Some great advice is already posted, so I'll pile on with this: Put on your leadership "hat" (get into your mode where you are focused on your people and the mission you all are supposed to do together), then ENGAGE with your folks. First one at a a time, focus on them, not yourself...learn about them...goals, hobbies, strengths and weaknesses. Smile...be nice. Imagine where that person would be best suited, and how you might "grow" them into your position. 10-15 minutes each. Repeat this until you are very comfortable. Then try it with small groups (3-4) of your folks at a time. You go out to a jet with a crew chief and a few techs...you already know one or two of them from step 1. Focus on the current job they are doing and ask questions. What makes it difficult? What would make it faster or safer or better quality? Ask what they are unhappy with, but don't let it become a bitch session. Don't make promises you can't fulfill. 10-15 minutes. Repeat until you are comfortable. You get the idea...it's up to you, and it's your responsibility to engage as a leader.

Response by SGT Ben Keen made Jun 29 at 2015 9:22 AM

SGT Ben Keen — Mon, 29 Jun 2015 09:22:21 -0400

TSgt Private RallyPoint Member - You are still an effective leader even as an introvert. Recently I met a CEO of one of Pittsburgh's most successful architecture firms. He was in the Navy, served on subs, was medically discharged then started his own business. He is very much an introvert. He doesn't like putting himself out in front of people unless he has to. In the little speech he gave this group, he said that even with all the speaking he does now and running a business with all these employees, he is still very much an introvert. So don't sale yourself short. Continue to work on your strengths as a leader and things will fall perfectly into place.

Response by Capt Mark Strobl made Jun 29 at 2015 12:02 PM

Capt Mark Strobl — Mon, 29 Jun 2015 12:02:00 -0400

It takes all kinds. Look, you don't pin on TSgt chevrons without being able to shoulder the burden of being a "Leader." Introverts are the first guys I'd go to for advice & opinions... mostly 'cause they were the ones who actually watched and listened. As Capt Seid Waddell mentioned, you might look at getting involved in the ToastMasters --or the like. Dale Carnegie, Stephen Covey, etc. If you find yourself uncomfortable working with people, you may have picked the wrong career ( & I don't think that's the case, here).

Response by CPT Private RallyPoint Member made Jun 29 at 2015 10:31 PM

CPT Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 29 Jun 2015 22:31:00 -0400

Introversion refers to where you get your "energy" from vs whether you are shy or not.

Introverts often love socializing, but it drains them, whereas extroverts get energized being part of a crowd.

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Jun 30 at 2015 1:14 PM

SSG Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 30 Jun 2015 13:14:00 -0400

I understand your situation completely as I'm the same way, in addition, I'm also very self-conscious about my accent, which only makes it worst. A couple of years ago I picked up an inspirational motto from a Ted webminar, "fake it until you become it", it has helped me tremendously in forcing myself to be more outspoken and works well as a confidence booster when you realize you are not "faking" it anymore and you have "become" it.

Response by PO2 Jeffrey Sheibels made Jun 30 at 2015 2:06 PM

PO2 Jeffrey Sheibels — Tue, 30 Jun 2015 14:06:46 -0400

I'm kind of the same way. I am kind of a shy person around new people or people I don't know too well. What has helped me through this is my wife. She is a very outgoing person and is loved by all. What I found from observing her is that you cannot be afraid. She also goes to a lot of events both personal and professional. I go with her and by being surrounded by unknown people I have learned how to make enough small talk to the point that people who know me often ask her where I am. The other thing that helped is getting involved in local clubs or groups that share a common interest that you have. Being able to find something that you both can talk about helps with getting use to talking to people. I became such good friends with a person from one of the groups I started to be involved in to the point that I was actually a groomsman at his wedding. It's all about putting yourself out there. It also isn't so much as being talkative but is more about listening and asking questions. If you have good listening skills then you can make people want to be around you.

As far as the leadership part goes. Be fair but firm. Always lead by example. And always maintain an open door policy with the understanding that you are there to help them and that they can talk to you about anything.

Response by SPC Angel L Marcano made Jun 30 at 2015 2:41 PM

SPC Angel L Marcano — Tue, 30 Jun 2015 14:41:35 -0400

Hey brother you have a choice to keep on doing or feeling that way; or make a decision to chose one or two person befriended them and start having a new outlook as a leader! Start with someone you feel comfortable. l know is hard and challenging but we are humans and need to confront situations that may not feel comfortable but are necessary in daily living! I

Response by SFC Jon Vandeyacht made Jun 30 at 2015 3:06 PM

SFC Jon Vandeyacht — Tue, 30 Jun 2015 15:06:42 -0400

Don't worry about them liking you. Give them good direct advice and direction. Your super will see it and you will be successful. If you feel that you 'need' to dome something else too, then you should look into attending a ..intro to speaches or intro into public speaking class from the local U or tech. school. It is the best class money can buy. It has allowed me to be far better at what i did before i was medically retired. It also has given me the ability to stand out during interviews and get the government job that i now enjoy. I was a major introvert and though im not much different now, i have techniques to overcome my 'handicap', if you will.

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Jun 30 at 2015 7:40 PM

SSG Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 30 Jun 2015 19:40:29 -0400

This may go against the grain of the military's mode of trying to fit all kinds of pegs into the same hole, but try empowering subordinates to speak and negotiate for you. Some leaders may balk, but if you spend more time on the things introverts are good at, like attention to detail, the net effect will be a highly effective team that plays each person to his or her strong suits.

Response by COL Ted Mc made Jul 1 at 2015 12:37 AM

COL Ted Mc — Wed, 01 Jul 2015 00:37:33 -0400

TSgt Private RallyPoint Member - Sergeant; Please excuse me for over generalizing, but "introvert" is the "personal you" and "leader" is the "professional you".

"Leaders" provide knowledge, guidance, correction, direction, advice, foresight, and consideration (amongst other things). There isn't a single one of those that an "introvert" cannot provide.

Quite frankly, I'd prefer to have someone who provided knowledge, guidance, correction, direction, advice, foresight, and consideration (amongst other things) but preferred to spend their "off hours" with a select group of friends than someone who did NOT provide knowledge, guidance, correction, direction, advice, foresight, and consideration (amongst other things) and preferred to spend their "off hours" socializing, partying and carousing.

You will find that, when push comes to shove, the troops will follow the person with a proven track record of high level performance and concern at least 10 times more frequently than they will follow the barely adequate person who is a "fun person".

While an "introvert" may not seek out contact, my experience has been that they are not unapproachable and you should try to make an effort to make sure that your people know that you ARE approachable (without encouraging familiarity that may impair your job performance).

PS - If you are working for a "good" senior NCO or Officer, they WILL notice your job performance - REGARDLESS of whether you try to get their attention or not. (That's part of their job.)

Response by CDR Michael Goldschmidt made Jul 1 at 2015 1:32 PM

CDR Michael Goldschmidt — Wed, 01 Jul 2015 13:32:35 -0400

The bottom line here is that you have to fake it till you make it. People love to talk about themselves. Ask a few questions to get people talking, then sit back and listen, but TRULY listen. People like listeners. It's easier to be outgoing when you feel like you're appreciated and liked. This way is a good start. Also be extremely competent at your job. When you're the go-to guy, people actually go to you! I'd consider myself an artificial extravert, and I did pretty well. There are also times when you have to confront people. It may not be easy, but when you're right, you have to stand up, although diplomacy and grace go a long way.

Response by PO1 Ed Carroll made Jul 1 at 2015 1:44 PM

PO1 Ed Carroll — Wed, 01 Jul 2015 13:44:45 -0400

Many bases have Toastmasters clubs that provide speaking ecperience in a supportive environment. I belonged to a club in the Pentagon as well as one on Naval Station Norfolk.

Response by 1LT Richard C. made Jul 1 at 2015 2:04 PM

1LT Richard C. — Wed, 01 Jul 2015 14:04:50 -0400

You are on the right track by identifying the deficiency and seeking improvement.

A bit of background...I am shy person, and I do my best to avoid conflict, I was almost completely finished with my basic and advanced training when my drill sergeants were handing out mail and said my name, and immediately said that they didn't have that soldier in their platoon and tossed it to the side. I had to speak up from the back of the group..it was a rough day from then on out.

Working as a group and leading is about trust. Building up that confidence to interact in a productive and meaningful way that all will benefit from. As a first step, be a part of the group. Don't just walk past when they are talking or working. Stop and ask how it's going, or what's up. Your interaction should not be limited to accountability and direction.

I found that actively listening to conversations was a great start. What I mean by actively listening is when a comment is made, I would reiterate what I heard them say, or acknowledge what was said. We would build on that trust and after a while, I would feel comfortable giving my own opinions. The respect you will gain from knowing your troops and listening will pay off.

As a leader, I would routinely talk and work with subordinates two levels down. I would quickly learn who they did and didn't like as leaders, and what did and didn't work in our unit. I would use this in my guidance to my direct subordinates. One of the most common issues was getting them to get their hands off their hips and on the job.

Response by CW5 Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 1 at 2015 4:09 PM

CW5 Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 01 Jul 2015 16:09:41 -0400

There is such thing as a socially skilled introvert. They are able to 'turn it on' when required and then go back into their hole. That is how I learned to be an effective leader. Some people have already mentioned methods to build that skill: public speaking, presenting briefs, etc.
More exposure to non-MOS specific training also builds these skills so I would suggest Battle Staff and other courses that force interaction and collaboration with unfamiliar people of different backgrounds and skill sets. This may seem uncomfortable at first but you build a tolerance so to speak.

Response by Lt Col Stephen Petzold made Jul 1 at 2015 4:24 PM

Lt Col Stephen Petzold — Wed, 01 Jul 2015 16:24:08 -0400

Sometimes you have to been the one to step outside your comfort zone a bit and ask to be noticed. You know the standard sections for NCO of the Quarter, Job Performance, Professional Development, community involvement. If there is a time where you think you actually have a lot going for you in each of the categories one quarter, ask your supervisor about nominating you. Even if you do not end up getting nominated, sometimes just the fact that you asked is enough to get you on the radar. In a perfect world you would not have to do any self promotion to get noticed, but we do not live in a perfect world.

Also introverts often do better in groups. If there are some people from your shop that often go to lunch together ask if you can join them. Also seek out things like a NCO Council or other groups where you can eventually work into a leadership role. These will help with public speaking, as well as getting you known by others, and provides additional opportunities to show leadership.

Finally in getting noticed there is the often dreaded additional duties. The boss may have some not so pleasant ones that they always struggle to find someone to fill. If you volunteer to fill one the boss is probably going to remember you doing that, and be grateful. Goes against the normal do not volunteer advice people often give, but again if you want to be noticed you need to step out in front sometimes.

These are all in addition to the normal do your job very well, but hopefully they point you to some other areas to try.

Response by SGT Rick Ash made Jul 1 at 2015 4:27 PM

SGT Rick Ash — Wed, 01 Jul 2015 16:27:19 -0400

Step up man! If you stay in, at your current rate of promotions you will be an E-7 soon. With THAT rank you could become 1st Sergeant somewhere and you will have to be outgoing and somewhat talkative or your career is going to stall. Start by asking troops you encounter "How are you today" or "Have a good day Private X". The responses you get will help you to evolve even further. Do you enjoy talking to other people at all? The military is no place for a "Lone Wolf". In the mess hall look for a spot where several troops are gathered and ask if that empty seat is promised to someone else. Get involved in the conversation and start getting over being an introvert. You write well, I'll bet you can be as good of a conversationalist.

Response by SFC Christopher Taggart made Jul 1 at 2015 4:54 PM

SFC Christopher Taggart — Wed, 01 Jul 2015 16:54:18 -0400

Re: your statement - "What I've noticed if you aren't talkative or outgoing no one notices you and forgets about you." As one introvert to another, I've managed to become an E7 in the Army (I have since left the military). Because I wasn't "social-able" to the "right people" i.e. SGM, 1SG, other SFCs, for whatever reason, I was not trusted and looked upon as incapable of being a leader. My advice - just keep being nice, as you probably are, and just continue being a leader in your section or platoon. Continue to let your Airmen know that you are always available, if they need to talk to you and your office door is always open.

Response by TSgt Gwen Walcott made Jul 1 at 2015 8:48 PM

TSgt Gwen Walcott — Wed, 01 Jul 2015 20:48:10 -0400

As one myself, I can empathise; bad news, however, is the same and more is expected of you in civilian life ---> and they diss you (severely) on performance reviews if you exhibit introverted traits. ((and self promotion and boasting is expected, with some receiving demotions that don't "ring their own bell"))

Response by LTC Ed Ross made Jul 1 at 2015 9:22 PM

LTC Ed Ross — Wed, 01 Jul 2015 21:22:25 -0400

Watch Gary Cooper movies.

Response by CDR Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 1 at 2015 10:23 PM

CDR Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 01 Jul 2015 22:23:23 -0400

A lot of good advice here, I feel like I'm late to the party and just piling on. I'm a CDR in the Navy with 21 years and counting. I made every major milestone throughout my career and I continually peg the I in the I/E meter on those personality tests. And now I'm a teacher to boot, in front of 25 students (O4-O8) for 40weeks at a time. Like CPT Roufa said, introversion is more about your source of energy. In crowds, you will quickly run out of energy and you would rather have a few close friends that a large number of constant interactions. You can get past that; you can adapt.

To be successful has nothing to do with I or E. Make smart decisions. When you are right, and know you are right, don't cave in; stand your ground. Study and hard work. Take care of the personnel assigned underneath you. Spend more time listening than talking. Be a professional, not ruled by emotion or fancy. Those things will garner respect from the people above and below you, and help you to succeed.

And confidence. Someone above said something to the effect of "fake it to make it." You will want to avoid making presentations to groups, giving speeches, training large bodies and you can avoid that in a lot of cases but know that there are times when it must be you. And in those cases, you have to present an air of confidence, and then everyone will accept you as an authority (combined with having done the previous things well), and you can go about your business until the next critical point comes along.

Response by PO3 Matthew Carlock made Jul 1 at 2015 11:56 PM

PO3 Matthew Carlock — Wed, 01 Jul 2015 23:56:51 -0400

Practice small talk and keep things light. You have to reach out to people, let them know you're approachable. Forming relationships is a skill, and like all skills it takes practice.

Response by MSgt Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 2 at 2015 3:49 AM

MSgt Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 02 Jul 2015 03:49:56 -0400

I am an introvert myself and have struggled with other people’s perceptions of me because of this. Lots of good advice already in this post, but I wanted to add one small thing that I have struggled with: small talk and interactions with strangers. Introverts can be labeled as “unapproachable,” “cold,” or “unfriendly” amongst other things because we tend to shy away from interactions with others in social settings, especially with strangers or acquaintances. When your junior members see this, it will make it harder to bond with them and be the mentor/leader they need. I make a conscious effort of curtailing my natural introvert behaviors that may lead people to think this. Small changes make a big difference. When you are walking down a hallway or enter a room with a lot of people, do you make an effort to smile and greet people? In social settings, make more of an effort to talk to others and ask them about themselves. When I see people outside of workplace, I try to say Hi instead of averting my eyes and keeping to myself.
Personally, I would rather sit in a corner and read a book than make small talk with strangers or just go about my business and not bother other people with small talk. But I try to be conscious of what image this is portraying to others. As leaders, you are always being watched by junior members, so it’s important to “manage” the image you display for yourself.

Response by MSgt Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 6 at 2015 6:16 PM

MSgt Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 06 Jul 2015 18:16:33 -0400

Honestly? Do what I do. Fake it. No one knows you're introverted or shy unless you act like it.

Instead, make it a point to go out and have a conversation. Sometimes they'll be awkward, but so what? Ask your guys how their weekend was, what their plans are. Talk about what's going on in their life (you should hopefully already know enough about your troops/peers to get started here).

Small talk/casual interaction/building relationships is a skill like any other. Don't look at it as something you just "don't have". As a Tech Sgt, that's part of your job now. Remember when you were an Airmen, and you spent hours/weeks/years being terrible at your job, until you got it together? That's where you're at right now. And just like an Airman, it was a matter of practice makes perfect.

If you decided as an E-3 that you were just a terrible maintainer (or whatever) and weren't wired that way, you'd be a terrible Airman. Instead, you looked at it as a challenge and work at it. And it's the same deal here. Just a different skillset that you need to perfect.

There's no magic formula, but there are things that can help (Toastmasters, etc). But ultimately, it's just going to be you opening your mouth and having some uncomfortable conversations.

Response by Sgt Mike Aydelotte made Jul 14 at 2015 8:49 AM

Sgt Mike Aydelotte — Tue, 14 Jul 2015 08:49:37 -0400

Check out the Art of Charm Pod Cast, I recommend this site for anyone trying to better themselves. Some of the advice that they give is to schedule times to meet with people directly after doing something that charges you up. As an introvert you expel an enormous amount of energy to interact with other people. Where as I an extreme Extrovert burn out quickly when I am isolated from a group and unable to team build. This is not a weakness, just a condition that if you own and schedule around you can find success. Try this. List all of the things that make you feel confident and exhilarated. Then slot time during the day to do the positive things directly before you have to regularly interface with others. Try isolation at first, interact with individuals or groups with less than 5. Remember to bounce your eyes and engage visually your audience. This will be the more challenging part depending on the level of introvert you are. If you have to present something, try outlining and rehearsing, Remove the nervous jitters around the subjects you need to speak on so that the only thing trying your anxiety button is the fact that your in front of people. I hope this helps. I was an instructor for almost 4 years and have a strong passion in this area. I would love to work with you. No charge :)

Response by SFC Marcus Belt made Feb 25 at 2017 2:38 PM

SFC Marcus Belt — Sat, 25 Feb 2017 14:38:48 -0500

As others here have mentioned, introversion and extroversion have entirely to do with how one "recharges", not their relative social skills.

It seems that your concern has more to do with acquiring the necessary social skills to lead effectively and advance, and let's be clear, military service is as social a profession as any and certainly more than most.

So then, social competence is really a collection of skills that come more easily for some than for others. My recommendation is to pay close attention to people around you who are more socially competent than you and adopt some of their techniques. When a senior gives instructions, ask questions, not just to ensure proper transmission and receipt, but because it actually strengthens the relationship (there's probably data on that). Take the time to learn who your subordinates are as people. Sometimes, we like to pretend that military service is about a bunch of automatons leading other automatons. If you've been in more than a minute, you know this to be incorrect. Find out what your people are doing this weekend, or did last weekend. In the process of finding out about them, you'll find out what motivates them (...purpose, direction and motivation...), while probably finding out skills, abilities and interests that fall outside of their military career field, which are often useful later. Here's the hard part, if you do these things, you find them becoming more autonomous, and easier, and you'll probably find that the social aspects of work aren't quite as draining as they used to be.

I earnestly believe that my genuine concern for those around me (notwithstanding the somewhat clinical description) is strengthens the units of which I've been a part.