How would you critique my essay entitled "Why I want to be an officer"?

SGT Luis Guzman — Thu, 24 May 2018 22:16:01 -0400

Any critiques for my essay as to "why I want to be an officer" would be greatly appreciated. I am currently working on my packet for OCS. I am prior enlisted Army SGT (13B), with a degree in Homeland Security and Emergency Management.

I have always had a desire to serve and be a part of something bigger than myself. This was true when I first enlisted in the Army, with my current civilian job working for the Department of Energy on a Special Response Team, and my desire to become an officer now. An officer in the Army must not only be able to command and lead those below him/her, but develop policies and procedures that would make it easier for others to command those below them.
As an enlisted soldier I made the rank of SGT in under 2 and a half years. I have no doubt that I would have had a successful career as an enlisted soldier, if I continued down that path. The biggest thing that was holding me back is that I knew that I could do so much more for the Army as an officer versus enlisted. I will always cherish my time as an NCO though, and would not change that experience for anything. After graduating summa cum laude with a bachelor’s degree in Homeland Security and Emergency Management, the path to an officer commission started to form.
I know as an Army officer I will be an exemplary model for the NCOs, junior enlisted, and peer officers that I work with. I will show them that they can always strive to do more and be better than they were yesterday. There is no such thing as perfection, but with the right motivation I will show my fellow soldiers that they can achieve even more than they imagined. There will be different opportunities and challenges along the way, but I have never shied away from difficult situations. With the example I set as an officer, and the leadership that I bring to the unit, I will ensure mission readiness and troop welfare are at the forefront. In doing so, I will also help the overall mission of the Army.
With my prior enlisted experience, degree in emergency management, and over 11 years with a special response team, I know I will excel as an Army officer. No matter what branch that I may end up in I will bring with me, a strong work ethic, a strive to make those around me and myself better, honor and integrity. In the end, I am not looking to become an officer for what it can do for me, but what I can do for the Army. When the unit and people under my command succeed at their mission and raise the bar for the next soldiers that come along, that will be my reward.

Response by CPT Gurinder (Gene) Rana made May 24 at 2018 10:34 PM

CPT Gurinder (Gene) Rana — Thu, 24 May 2018 22:34:31 -0400

1. You earn rank, but you don't make rank.

2. Any numbers under 10 are spelled out, like two vs. 2 and a half years....

3. Change versus to than a non-commissioned officer.

4. It should be "...my journey to becoming a commissioned officers began to take shape."

5. "I will become the success to emulate as a commissioned officers; I will challenge my subordinates and peers to aim higher, achieve more and strive for the best in all". Make it sound like you are ahead charting your course as a commissioned officer, even ahead of your selection.

These are my initial thoughts and screening of your draft letter. Hope it is helpful.

Response by Capt Daniel Goodman made May 25 at 2018 3:43 AM

Capt Daniel Goodman — Fri, 25 May 2018 03:43:14 -0400

http://www.ocsfoundation.org

You might find this useful to look through....

OCS Foundation

SERVICES FOR: Candidates Alumni Officer Families

Response by Capt Daniel Goodman made May 25 at 2018 3:52 AM

Capt Daniel Goodman — Fri, 25 May 2018 03:52:46 -0400

I'm on a tablet with not exactly the greatest keyboard and spell check, plus, my eyes are, unfortunately, not always the greatest either, so there may be frequent typos as I do this. The basic phraseology, I think was actually reasonably good...the grammatical and syntactical corrections mentioned were, in fact, quite correct. There are a few things aboutnwritung something like that...first, brevity is the soul of wit. Second, correcting clumsy phraseology or grammar and syntax errors always is easier using at least two minds, as one mind, that of the writer, will pretty !much always tend to rephrase a passage unconsciously, and thus miss necessary corrections. A few other little grammatical and syntactical do-dads along the way, OK? There is no such word as utilize, not that you used it, however, I merely mention hat purely for sake of reference, the correct wors is used. Next, techniques are never employed, the word employ only is to be used in the context of work for humans, at no other time. Further, upon only exists in fairy tales, there is no such word, anyone who says there is has no clue how to write, period. That integers or zero, hose below 10, need to be spelled out, is true, that is proper English. Get a copy of Elements of Style, I believe, by Strunk, if I can find the reference on a site, I'll try to send it in, that's grown to be rather akin to Robert's Rules of Order used for meeting, in the context of proper writing. Let me send this, the table I'm on has a frequent habit of conking out....

Response by Capt Daniel Goodman made May 25 at 2018 4:09 AM

Capt Daniel Goodman — Fri, 25 May 2018 04:09:53 -0400

I was supposed to have gone Army ROTC, I went USAF OTS instead afterward. I wasn't enlisted prior, in tatz you have a very definite advantage, in terms of sheer orientation. However, I'd merely make what I'm hoping are a few sanguine observations, OK? First, you don't absolutely need to go for Army, I realize you want it, however you should most definitely look at all svcs, when I was at USAF OTS, there were many who were non prior, hough the priors did generally adapt more readily, more of them finished as distinguished grads (DGs), I'm unsure if OCS programs do that now, or OIS indoc programs for direct commissioning. You could find that you might find your background, esp your major, might be quite useful at USCG, being as it's explicitly under Homeland now, just a thought. Further, it'd held to know you GPA, if you could say, also, just exactly how much STEM coursework you've had...math? Physics? Cjem? Bio? Engineering? Comp sci (CS)? IT? I'd seen !material in the Army direct commission cyber program, I'm sure you'd likely have run across it, merely a thought, of course...also, you might find that going into another svc might offer some useful perspective, however, I'd realize you'd likely want to stay Army, I'd gather? Now, at the same time, from virtually day one, you're gonna need to realize that you're gonna be expected to get a masters, minimum, part time, virtually immediately, doctoral, that can wait, maybe you'd want itz maybe not, however, when I was USAF, hey were REAL serious about company graders getting masters minimum, and pronto, ASAP PDQ, along with PME, in the case of USAF, Squadron Officers School (SOS). Further, all senior enlisted, warrant, and commissioned, in app svcs, can submit for AFIT in USAF, and Naval Postgrad School (NPS) in Navy, going as an intersvc student, that includes Army, you'd stay Army, you'd merely attend a program, so if you do go commissioned, I'd submit formbith of them, you'd likely probably have to wait a tour or two. Depending on your GPA, you can also submit for the Rhodes Scholar program, military have gotten itz I've seen sites about that, there's also the military attache program of the State Dept, as well as Congressional Fellow and White House Fellow programs, I'd very seriously get the autobio of Gen Colin Powell, imthunk you'd find it most instructive, if you've never read it, he explains quite lucidly, and in considerable detail, exactly he training he got, to achiegenwhat he die. I'd also submit for the USMC command and staff nonresident program, the USAF SOS nonresident, and the Naval War College (NWC) command and staff nonresident program. Further, I've known of instances where warrant and commissioned from other svcs can apply to attend PME schools, many of which are masters level programs, in residence, as guests, I merely suggest that to try to broaden your perspective, honest? Let me send this again, then I'll try to send more stuff I think you might find useful and/or of interest, OK?

Response by Capt Daniel Goodman made May 25 at 2018 4:10 AM

Capt Daniel Goodman — Fri, 25 May 2018 04:10:25 -0400

http://www.mors.org

You'll find this interesting, I think....

Military Operations Research Society

Response by Capt Daniel Goodman made May 25 at 2018 4:11 AM

Capt Daniel Goodman — Fri, 25 May 2018 04:11:28 -0400

http://www.usni.org

Subscribe to their proceedings, it should be reqd reading for all svc mbrs, it's hat good, as is all their stuff....

U.S. Naval Institute

Provide an independent forum for those who dare to read, think, speak, and write to advance the professional, literary, and scientific understanding of sea power and other issues critical to global security.

Response by Capt Daniel Goodman made May 25 at 2018 4:11 AM

Capt Daniel Goodman — Fri, 25 May 2018 04:11:48 -0400

http://www.afcea.org

Become familiar with this....

www.afcea.org

Response by Capt Daniel Goodman made May 25 at 2018 4:12 AM

Capt Daniel Goodman — Fri, 25 May 2018 04:12:00 -0400

http://www.crows.org

And this....

www.crows.org

Response by Capt Daniel Goodman made May 25 at 2018 4:12 AM

Capt Daniel Goodman — Fri, 25 May 2018 04:12:18 -0400

http://www.afa.org

This also....

Home - Air Force Association

The site home page

Response by Capt Daniel Goodman made May 25 at 2018 4:12 AM

Capt Daniel Goodman — Fri, 25 May 2018 04:12:43 -0400

http://www.roa.org

Join this....

www.roa.org

Response by Capt Daniel Goodman made May 25 at 2018 4:13 AM

Capt Daniel Goodman — Fri, 25 May 2018 04:13:10 -0400

http://www.ausa.org

His you probably map ready know about, of course....

Association of the United States Army

Voice for the Army – Support for the Soldier

Response by Capt Daniel Goodman made May 25 at 2018 4:13 AM

Capt Daniel Goodman — Fri, 25 May 2018 04:13:26 -0400

http://www.moaa.org

Join this....

www.moaa.org

Response by Capt Daniel Goodman made May 25 at 2018 4:13 AM

Capt Daniel Goodman — Fri, 25 May 2018 04:13:47 -0400

http://www.same.org

This is also interesting....

www.same.org

Response by Capt Daniel Goodman made May 25 at 2018 4:14 AM

Capt Daniel Goodman — Fri, 25 May 2018 04:14:11 -0400

http://www.arxiv.org

Learn how to use this....

arXiv.org e-Print archive

Open access to 1,377,332 e-prints in Physics, Mathematics, Computer Science, Quantitative Biology, Quantitative Finance, Statistics, Electrical Engineering and Systems Science, and Economics

Response by Capt Daniel Goodman made May 25 at 2018 4:14 AM

Capt Daniel Goodman — Fri, 25 May 2018 04:14:37 -0400

http://www.vixra.org

And this....

viXra.org open e-Print archive

ViXra.org is an e-print archive set up as an alternative to the popular arXiv.org service owned by Cornell University. It has been founded by scientists who find they are unable to submit their articles to arXiv.org because of Cornell University's policy of endorsements and moderation designed to filter out e-prints that they consider inappropriate. ViXra is an open repository for new scientific articles. It does not endorse e-prints accepted...

Response by Capt Daniel Goodman made May 25 at 2018 4:15 AM

Capt Daniel Goodman — Fri, 25 May 2018 04:15:46 -0400

http://www.ieee.org

You should look at!many of the transactions, the journals here, esp aerospacemand electronic systems, among others....

IEEE - The world's largest technical professional organization dedicated to advancing technology...

Now is a perfect time to give the gift of IEEE membership, a great graduation gift idea and way to share in the experience of IEEE.

Response by Capt Daniel Goodman made May 25 at 2018 4:16 AM

Capt Daniel Goodman — Fri, 25 May 2018 04:16:25 -0400

http://www.asme.org

Become familiar with this....

The American Society of Mechanical Engineers

ASME (American Society of Mechanical Engineers) promotes the art, science & practice of multidisciplinary engineering around the globe.

Response by Capt Daniel Goodman made May 25 at 2018 4:16 AM

Capt Daniel Goodman — Fri, 25 May 2018 04:16:38 -0400

http://www.aiaa.org

And this....

www.aiaa.org

Response by Capt Daniel Goodman made May 25 at 2018 4:16 AM

Capt Daniel Goodman — Fri, 25 May 2018 04:16:56 -0400

http://www.acm.org

This too....

Association for Computing Machinery

ACM, the world's largest educational and scientific computing society, delivers resources that advance computing as a science and a profession. ACM provides the computing field's premier Digital Library and serves its members and the computing profession with leading-edge publications, conferences, and career resources.

Response by Capt Daniel Goodman made May 25 at 2018 4:19 AM

Capt Daniel Goodman — Fri, 25 May 2018 04:19:29 -0400

Now...also, what branch would you want, of you stayed Army, at least initially, if you got a first choice, and why, knowing that would also help explain your motivations for OCS, or an OIS...next, what other svcs have you looked at, if any, and why, also go into a comparison between the svcs, I'm just trying tomoffermyou thoughts for your essay, you understand....

Response by Capt Daniel Goodman made May 25 at 2018 4:21 AM

Capt Daniel Goodman — Fri, 25 May 2018 04:21:01 -0400

Further, do you have any flight interests at all? Would you have any e search interests? Where might you wish to be assigned, as an installation, imreapizemthat's tied to branch, I !erepym!mention that as another aspect to be considered in what you write, possibly....

Response by Capt Daniel Goodman made May 25 at 2018 4:25 AM

Capt Daniel Goodman — Fri, 25 May 2018 04:25:12 -0400

I realize that was a lot, I was merely trying to offer some errant thoughts as they occurred to me, when I was in USAF, one midrange NCO I was tasked to teach engineering, as he was going for what was at the time called the Airman Eeucmand Commissioning Program! (aECP), which I gather is rather akin to Green and Gold now, I !erepy !mention that to try to illustrate what I'd had to do, we had another NCO who'd wanted to go to USAF OTS, I also helped ed that one as well somewhat, another assignment I had...I'm here if you'd want to ask anything more, I hope all that was of at least some usez I'd be most eager to hear more, if you'd care to elaborate at all by all means....

Response by Capt Daniel Goodman made May 25 at 2018 4:25 AM

Capt Daniel Goodman — Fri, 25 May 2018 04:25:26 -0400

Again, sorry for any typos....

Response by Capt Daniel Goodman made May 25 at 2018 9:19 AM

Capt Daniel Goodman — Fri, 25 May 2018 09:19:40 -0400

And there's also NOAA Commissioned Corps, they have their own flight unit, though they're the smallest...further, look into going technical warrant, see what fields are open, I've read of shortages in Army for technical warrants in various fields, another thought, OK? And look at USMC platoon leaders course (PLC), it's less well known, though with the Bach done, I'm not sure if you'd have to do it, I'd submit packets to all OCS programs in all svcs, and see what you'd be told....

Response by Capt Daniel Goodman made May 25 at 2018 9:29 AM

Capt Daniel Goodman — Fri, 25 May 2018 09:29:20 -0400

http://www.ocsfoundation.org

Look at this, I might've already sent it...it doesn't include Army WOCS, NOAA BOTC which is an OIS, there's also an AMEDD OIS I'd read about, I can't recall the na!e at the moment, I'm unsure if it takes Army MSC, however UEPHS also sends to their OIS orograms, and incls sending to USCG...would the ideal of hlth info mgmt (HIM) appeal to you at all in any svc in their clinical side? As I'd said, I realize it might not be what you'd wanted however, it'd at least be a way...then, too, look at AGR, Guard Tech, and Rwserve Tech, hose full time support programs, the ARNG has hose state level part time OCS programs, ANG I think uses USAF OTS, I'm unsure if ANG has part time OCS type programs, I'd read ARNG does for sure, though I didn't know if you might want to try for that. Next, also, ha e you done any actual FAA flight training? Sport pilot? Private pilot? Instrument raring? Multiengine? Commercial? Rotary wing as opposed to fixed wing? Have you tried to make use of any mil aero clubs at all? How about Civil Air Patrol (CAP) senior squadron flight training, I don't know if it exists, I know it does for kids as cadets, however, CAP has its own corporate aircraft, so you might ask...then, too, USCG Auxiliary APIs an instrumentality of the USCG, whereas CAP isn't for the USAF, though both get tasked with missions...USCG Auxiliary has an observer program for its aviation flotillas, I've looked at those myself, my disability keeps getting in th e wah, though...

OCS Foundation

SERVICES FOR: Candidates Alumni Officer Families

Response by Capt Daniel Goodman made May 25 at 2018 9:34 AM

Capt Daniel Goodman — Fri, 25 May 2018 09:34:56 -0400

Look at FEMA for their college level online emerg !epmgmt training....also, I think your background is suitable for multiple submissions, it !erepy depends on how flexible you'd be for more training...USCG Auxiliary, I'd read is affiliated with a !asters in Homeland somewhere near the Naval Postgrad School (NPS) in Calif, I don't know if active duty can try for itz I'll see if I can find the site I'd seen, which I think was by USCg Aux in WW state....

Response by Capt Daniel Goodman made May 25 at 2018 9:36 AM

Capt Daniel Goodman — Fri, 25 May 2018 09:36:27 -0400

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Air_Force_Institute_of_Technology

Read this....

Air Force Institute of Technology - Wikipedia

The Air Force Institute of Technology (AFIT) is a graduate school and provider of professional and continuing education for the United States Armed Forces and is part of the United States Air Force. It is located in Ohio at Wright-Patterson Air Force Base, near Dayton. AFIT is a component of the Air University and Air Education and Training Command.

Response by Capt Daniel Goodman made May 25 at 2018 9:37 AM

Capt Daniel Goodman — Fri, 25 May 2018 09:37:43 -0400

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Naval_Postgraduate_School

And this....

Naval Postgraduate School - Wikipedia

The Naval Postgraduate School (NPS) is a graduate school operated by the United States Navy. Located in Monterey, California, it grants master's degrees, engineer's degrees and doctoral degrees. Established in 1909, the school also offers research fellowship opportunities at the postdoctoral level through the National Academies' National Research Council research associateship program.[3]

Response by Capt Daniel Goodman made May 25 at 2018 9:39 AM

Capt Daniel Goodman — Fri, 25 May 2018 09:39:19 -0400

http://www.usuhs.edu

Look at their PhD programs in boomed sciences, hose can be done by warrant, commissioned, and civil service, there's a specific page for their them, just search for USUHS doctoral programs....

Uniformed Services University

The mission of the Uniformed Services University of Health Sciences is to educate, train, and comprehensively prepare uniformed services health professionals, scientists, and leaders to support the Military and Public Health Systems, the National Security and National Defense Strategies of the United States, and the readiness of our Uniformed Services.

Response by Capt Daniel Goodman made May 25 at 2018 9:40 AM

Capt Daniel Goodman — Fri, 25 May 2018 09:40:36 -0400

http://www.usphs.gov

Look at all of this, esp the Jr and Sr COSTEP, and Hlth Info Mgmt (HIM) page....search for them, you'll find them, and call their toll free phone, as I'd said, OK?

www.usphs.gov

Response by CW3 Kevin Storm made May 25 at 2018 9:47 AM

CW3 Kevin Storm — Fri, 25 May 2018 09:47:51 -0400

I agree with CPT Gurinder, & Honestly, I felt like this was an exercise in writing 101, rather something of passion and from the heart.

You wrote: With my prior enlisted experience, degree in emergency management, and over 11 years with a special response team, I know I will excel as an Army officer.
Rather than something along the lines of " Regardless of the field, my combination of education and leadership skills obtained as a non-commissioned officer, will aid in me striving to become an Officer that both superiors and subordinates look to leadership and advice." It is boiled down, direct, and covers what you want to convey.

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made May 25 at 2018 1:32 PM

MAJ Ken Landgren — Fri, 25 May 2018 13:32:26 -0400

I find it wordy and rambling. Simplify it and be more bold. I started my essay with an introduction with my main 4 reasons. I described my 4 reasons in the body, and wrote a short conclusion.

Response by MAJ Private RallyPoint Member made May 28 at 2018 6:06 PM

MAJ Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 28 May 2018 18:06:25 -0400

The first sentence is perfect. The rest, follow the advice of CPT Rana below.

A bit of advice: Many prior enlisted (myself included) really have no idea what they are getting into as a commissioned officer. USMA grads probably have the best idea of what it will be like because of the experience of West Point but that environment doesn't exist anywhere else in the Army so their perspective is a bit off for their first couple of years. However, there's a reason officers make more money and in a word it is: Sacrifice. You will have to be the grown-up. You're the one who plans everything, fixes the plans, plan some more, then fix everything that goes wrong when the plans fail. All those porta-johns, water points, food supplies, training areas, transportation, Class III & V, doesn't get there by itself. Officers make sure those things happen. You won't always have someone making sure you're doing the right thing because that'll be YOUR job. You will have to self-motivating and driven to make sure all your bases are covered, and you will usually miss one or two. You will spend countless hours doing mind-numbing staff work, planning, writing orders, emails, meetings, and then trying to run your organization if you're in command. You'll miss holidays, birthdays, graduations, anniversaries, and other important family events, even more than you did as an enlisted man. Your career is basically starting over and unless you managed to get a badge or tab while enlisted, no one will care what you did then. You will have to aggressively manage your career yourself in what little spare time you have because no one will do it for you. You'll have to serve in specific positions and go to several schools along the way to earn the next rank. Most of all, you will put your Soldier's needs ahead of your own ALWAYS.

As for OCS: PT your butt off before you get there and don't quit. It isn't a training event, it's a hazing. The only real lesson I learned in OCS was how much quit was in me. Turns out, not very much. Good luck, Troop.

-MAJ Jones

Response by LTJG Don Biscoe made May 31 at 2018 1:53 PM

LTJG Don Biscoe — Thu, 31 May 2018 13:53:33 -0400

Well written; brevity leads to familiarity. You have made several important points and as long as you meet the age and physical requirements I believe you'll do quite well. Congratulations Lt!

Response by CPT Private RallyPoint Member made May 31 at 2018 2:10 PM

CPT Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 31 May 2018 14:10:50 -0400

You write a lot about what an officer "does" but, who are you writing this for? If it's for a board or another commissioned Officer then they already know that. Dont make the paper all about you, since you open up with a "bigger then yourself" then follow that theme. If it's really not that to you, then change the opener.

Response by CPT Don Williams made May 31 at 2018 7:02 PM

CPT Don Williams — Thu, 31 May 2018 19:02:40 -0400

Congrats on your success. I wish I could remember what I said/wrote, but that was 1979! If you have a grammar/punctuation checker, it would be wise to run this through it. Also, always use Spell Check. Personally, I think you should make it shorter and especially avoid being too wordy. These were always two of my issues. Also, some sentences have too much detail and I also have done this in an effort to clarify (as I believe you have), but this can be distracting and lead to some repetition. Don't mention your degree and credentials more than once. If you need to, only briefly refer to it. Be sure the verb tenses in each sentence agree. We all express ourselves differently, but a couple of sentences seem a bit complicated. Find ways to be more straight forward.
Now, you will certainly be asked why you want to leave Homeland after 11+ years. Also, this will lead to questions about your age. Being a 2nd Lt. is hard even on a younger man. Your physical condition will be more important than normally I expect. Lots of good advice from the others here. Good luck!

Response by SPC Jeff Sims made Jun 2 at 2018 2:56 PM

SPC Jeff Sims — Sat, 02 Jun 2018 14:56:49 -0400

SGT Guzman, I think you have a lot of good information in your essay but a few modifications could help get you noticed. If you are looking to submit it as an essay, you will want it to follow an accepted essay format. Here's an example of how I was taught back in WR 121.

Introduction paragraph:
2-5 sentences to get the readers attention and introduce the topic.
A one sentence thesis statement (e.g. I am a good enlisted soldier; I would make an excellent officer).

Topic paragraphs supporting your thesis:
Follow your Into paragraph with 2-3 topic paragraphs. Start each paragraph with a topic sentence. (e.g. As a Non-Commissioned Officer (NCO) I exceeded expectations when I...). Use the body of the topic paragraphs to support your topic sentence in 2-5 sentences.

Conclusion paragraph:
Use different words in the first sentence to restate your thesis statement.
Summarize your topic paragraphs using one sentence per topic.
Use 1-3 sentences to leave the reader with a lasting impression of your essay.

Mechanics:
- Tie your topic sentences together using transitional words and phrases.
- Support any claims you make with evidence (e.g. I was an excellent NCO and I proved that by consistently scoring 300 points on ... and I was awarded X for doing Y).
- There is also a ton of information available on the web. I usually go to the Purdue's Online Writing Lab to figure things out. Here's a link to some useful info on conclusions: https://owl.english.purdue.edu/engagement/2/2/60/
Here's a link to a page with transition words that can be useful:
http://www.smart-words.org/linking-words/transition-words.html
- If you read through your essay and find yourself repeating words over and over, you might want to use a thesaurus to find an alternative word.

The people that evaluate essays on a regular basis can spot a well written essay from a mile away, and they tend to chuck the ones that are hard to follow. The team I worked on at IBM frequently had applicants write essays explaining why they should be considered. If we got into reading a paragraph and the body didn't fit with the topic, or the topic was unclear, it made it difficult to follow the writer's intended meaning.

You got this!

Purdue OWL Engagement

Welcome to the Engagement area of the Purdue OWL. This area houses resources dedicated to - and often developed with - local organizations in greater Lafayette and Indiana.

Response by Jennifer Legler made Jun 20 at 2018 10:05 AM

Jennifer Legler — Wed, 20 Jun 2018 10:05:09 -0400

Don’t end sentence with a preposition such as “with.” You don’t want to use the phase, “no matter which branch I end up in”; change to “which branch I a selected for.” Watch the comma placement in that sentence and strive is a verb not a noun.

Response by SSgt Paul Mimeault made Jun 27 at 2018 9:07 PM

SSgt Paul Mimeault — Wed, 27 Jun 2018 21:07:31 -0400

Keep working on it. A couple of points:

You didn’t “make” rank, your EARNED it.

You will make the ARMY better.

Being a leader means priorities are number one. It’s Army, mission, readiness, and then the people under you and what they need to first be mission ready and then morale. Make sure you put things in your essay in the proper order.

And finally, don’t say he/she. You are one or the other and this is about you.

One more thing. As you write this remember that if you want a job act like you already have the job. It’s not “what I would do”, it’s what I will do.
SSgt Mimeault

Response by COL John Power made Jul 25 at 2018 1:18 PM

COL John Power — Wed, 25 Jul 2018 13:18:47 -0400

I'm not a word-smither and it is probably too late anyway, but I'd suggest refocusing. The message should be that you want to deliver more to your country and can do that as an officer.

Response by LT Fred West made Aug 8 at 2018 10:27 AM

LT Fred West — Wed, 08 Aug 2018 10:27:45 -0400

Agree with CAPT Rana. You could also just shorten to "pathway to a commission." Also, just my opinion here, but the statement that what was holding you back from success as an enlisted is the fact that you believe you should be an officer just does not sound right. Maybe consider how your experience as an enlisted could make you a more effective officer and Express that. Good luck! (from a Mustang)

Response by MAJ Raymond Haynes made Oct 19 at 2018 8:55 AM

MAJ Raymond Haynes — Fri, 19 Oct 2018 08:55:57 -0400

Everybody had excellent suggestions for the grammatical shining-up of your essay. The Rally Point respondents should really take a bow. Your essay will now be as correct as the 300 other ones the board is tasked to read. Lets dissect the paper from a different angle. In your opening paragraph you state that you realized that you could serve the Army better as an officer than as an enlisted man, but you had a 11 year civilian career before you acted on your dream. In addition, you use the word 'now' which leads the reader to assume that your decision to gain a commission was more of a linear timeline rather than a burning desire from 11 years ago. This impression is further substantiated by you revealing that it was not until completing your undergrad that your plan to gain a commission began to form. From there you transition into a vague requirement for an officer to command and lead, and direct senior subordinates to command down the line. The board is aware of this requirement. You imply that making Sgt in two and one half years was a positive factor, then you suggest that you were held back by your desire for a commission. It appears to me that your enlisted career was quite successful up to that point, at what point were you 'held back'? Your essay continues to have inconsistencies and under developed thoughts. I have served on several boards in both military and civilian capacities. Several of the boards had essay requirements as part of the application package. Without reading any other personal data, when I read your essay I see a solder that completed his enlistment and rejoined the civilian world for a 11 year break. For some unknown reason that gig started to not pan out, so now you are going to convince me that by sending you to OCS you will morph into some kind of super Lieutenant, perhaps until a better offer comes your way. I know what you are thinking 'what a asshole' and maybe you are correct, but I am a honest asshole who gave you his honest opinion based on prior experience. Have you considered that every other candidate who has applied promises to be a super Lieutenant also.
OK, I have beat up the paper enough for you to gain a general indication of what I perceive as the weak spots in your CV. Lets see if we can shine it up enough to impress the poor bastard who has already read 200 of these things. First, what are the positive factors of your application? Prior enlisted with rapid promotion. What was your MOS? Did you receive any awards for leadership, throwing yourself on a grenade etc.? During your 11 year break, did you drill in the reserves? If yes, same story there. You have a degree and experience in a field that the Army can use in several different ways, and graduated at the top of your class. This will place you apart from all the underwater basket weavers who can't find a job I have never seen an Army Commission package, but I'm sure they required references. You advantage as prior enlisted is that you can hunt down prior commanders who will attest to the fact that, given the opportunity, you will be the greatest leader since Stonewall Jackson. You think I'm kidding, the recommendations need to be that strong, and laced with personal details about you to show they actually know who you are. Letters from Birds and Stars that you served in there command are the best. How do you do it? Hunt them down, catch them on the way to lunch and make your elevator pitch. If they are the type leaders that you speak of they will sign a letter most likely written by an aide. Have a fact sheet already prepared with accurate times, dates, and Metal of Honor leadership traits well documented. Make sure they send two copies. One to the board, and one to you personally. The reason is that if you are not selected, that kind of stuff can be valuable down the road. How old are you? You have to be getting close to the top end for admission. If your not a 300 stud you better start, and by all the new standards coming into effect. They are sure to take into account your age, however from a mathematical standpoint, I understand they subtract your enlisted time from your 'admission age'. No matter, super Lieutenant is a PT stud.
What is working against you? The huge elephant in the room is the 11 year break and you need to address the issue just enough to sound reasonable and believable. Was there a underlying reason you had to get out? Don't lye, they do extensive background checks, but you never know. You, in your essay, talk a great deal about motivating everybody within 100 yards of your reflector belt. Not once do you address how you intend to do this. What special skills do you master, above the next guy, to achieve the lofty goals you promised the board. This is an area where you have the opportunity to weave a connection between the skills you learned on a Special Response Team, and the skills that make a strong Lieutenant. Depending on how you want to cut that elephant down to size, you could possibility admit that you made a mistake getting out. And even though the civilian job market is strong and my skills are in high demand in today's world, I would be making a stronger impact in service to my country by bringing those special skills back to where they can support my mission as a officer to educate, mentor, and provide a leadership example from the front, that my troops can follow into the next decade.
This has already gone too long. If it makes any sense to you at all, we can connect, and do this by PM. That way, all the tricks of writing a successful CV, are not blabbed all over Rally Point. If you don't see it my way and still think I'm a asshole, that's OK to, I have a thick skin. That's what officers do, try to help a problem in the best way they know.

Good Luck,
Ray

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made Jan 6 at 2020 8:55 PM

MAJ Ken Landgren — Mon, 06 Jan 2020 20:55:05 -0500

Too many trees in the forest.