How would you critique my updated essay entitled "Why I want to be an officer"?

2018-05-25T10:31:51-04:00

This is draft 2 of my essay. There was a lot of great feed back from the community and I am looking for more critiques. My biggest problem personally is that I am having a hard time stream lining it. I believe there is too much fluff in certain areas and not enough detail in others. Thank you for any help.

I have always had a desire to serve and be a part of something bigger than myself. This was true when I first enlisted in the Army, with my current civilian job working for the Department of Energy on a Special Response Team, and my desire to become an officer now. An officer in the Army must not only be able to command and lead those below him/her, but develop policies and procedures that would make it easier for others to command those below them. An officer must know him or herself and know their faults and take personal responsibility.
As an enlisted soldier I earned the rank of SGT in under two and a half years, and lead teams in two different deployments. I have no doubt that I would have had a successful career as an enlisted soldier, if I continued down that path. The biggest thing that was holding me back is that I knew that I could do so much more for the Army as an officer versus a non-commissioned officer. As a junior enlisted and a non-commissioned officer my advice was sought after by non-commissioned officers and officers. I researched and developed new standard operating procedures for our unit and individual teams during our deployments. I will always cherish my time as an NCO though, and would not change that experience for anything. After graduating summa cum laude with a bachelor’s degree in Homeland Security and Emergency Management, my journey to becoming a commissioned officer began to take shape.
I will become the success to emulate as a commissioned officer. I will challenge my subordinates and peers to aim higher, achieve more and strive for the best in all. There will be different opportunities and challenges along the way, but I have never shied away from difficult situations. With the example I set as an officer, and the leadership that I bring to the unit, I will ensure mission readiness and troop welfare are at the forefront. In doing so, I will also help the overall mission of the Army.
Regardless of the field, my combination of education and leadership skills obtained as a non-commissioned officer, will aid in me striving to become an officer that both superiors and subordinates look to for leadership and advice. In the end, I am not looking to become an officer for what it can do for me, but what I can do for the Army. When the unit and people under my command succeed at their mission and raise the bar for the next soldiers that come along, that will be my reward. For being an officer is being in command, but in the end realizing that you are there to serve the needs of those under you and the Army at large.

Response by SSgt Private RallyPoint Member made May 25 at 2018 10:47 AM

2018-05-25T10:47:03-04:00

Hi, Sergeant Guzman. This one spelling error the biggest thing I noticed.

"As an enlisted soldier I earned the rank of SGT in under two and a half years, and lead teams in two different deployments."

It should be LED, not LEAD. Otherwise, it's a good piece!

Response by Capt Daniel Goodman made May 25 at 2018 12:18 PM

2018-05-25T12:18:22-04:00

As before, your gist is generally good...I'd just, as I'd said, go into what specific branch and/or branches you'd possibly want, discuss your interest in the GA ARNG, also, if active Army, where you might seek to be assigned, honest, I do think all that is germane. I'd also explain more about specific coursework, not solely the bachelors,mand, you should give your GzpA, I know it'd be in your transcript, however, I'd include it, however, that's my approach, obviously. Here's the thing: concrete details make a narrative go, he more concrete details you include, not just how much you can bring to a svc, the more concrete and specific perspective a board reviewing you would have to judge you by...if you do !aerial arts, I'd definitely include those...if you do Army combatives, or have, or USMC MCMAP, or any other martial art, that to me is germane. If you've done other things like private pilot, scuba, have any specific certifications, licenses, if you're an EMT, whatever, I'd include it? If you volunteer at all on your installations, if you've received awards, I'd include them, any board would see such things in your packet, however, you could include them, that's all I'm saying, in an essay, as well, of done tastefully. If you've been given extra and/or additional duties, I'd mention that. I'd definitely mention about doing a !asters immediately, what major, if you want PhD level, and specific coursework of direct us to a svc as well. If you've received any commendations, plaques, certificates of appreciation, if youvemdeployed, I'd mention all that as well. I realize I'm suggesting more than you included, I'd also mention possibly what other svcs you've considered, and why...hose are some of !y thoughts...when I write, I deal with highly specific details, so far as possible, and let such details carry the bulk of a narrative, styles differz I'm just saying that's how I do it, if you'd want other thoughts justmoet me know, OK?

Response by MAJ Private RallyPoint Member made May 25 at 2018 3:30 PM

2018-05-25T15:30:22-04:00

Your reasoning and whatnot for wanting to be an officer is solid. I'd change the format though. You need to say why you'd be a good officer in the first paragraph. You sort of did that at first but then went into what an officer is and does. When you write in the military, assume that the reader isn't going to read the entire paper (a lot of the time this is in fact the case). So get your point across up front. You want to be part of something bigger, you have past experience as an NCO, etc. THEN, in the following paragraphs explain those points. You made SGT in 2 years, you led teams on deployments, your education, etc. The last paragraph is your summary. Restate the purpose again. Something like, "Based on the vast experience, etc. etc. described above, I feel I'd best serve the Army as an officer.

Just my 2 cents.

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made May 25 at 2018 9:22 PM

2018-05-25T21:22:14-04:00

You need an intro, body, and summary. I focused on Leadership, Mission of the military, and being a pillar of the community. Keep it simple and not wordy. You want to show off the trees, not the forest.

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made May 14 at 2022 3:04 PM

2022-05-14T15:04:45-04:00

Do you really want my unvarnished feedback?

Response by A1C Medrick "Rick" DeVaney made May 14 at 2022 9:53 PM

2022-05-14T21:53:08-04:00

Hell, I'd Use That As A Dissertation To Be Enrolled At Harvard.
I See No Flaws What-So-Ever.
And It Seems As Though You've Covered All The Necessary Bases
Very Well Done.

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made May 14 at 2022 11:25 PM

2022-05-14T23:25:36-04:00

D lol

Response by MSgt Steve Sweeney made May 15 at 2022 1:00 AM

2022-05-15T01:00:01-04:00

The first word in your essay is "I". You may be better served starting with what it is you think an officer is or does, what makes a good officer, and what sacrifices an officer makes. Lead with the institution, then attach yourself to that.

Also, when writing, think three paragraph form... Tell them what you are going to tell them. Tell them. Then tell them what you told them. (Intro, body, summary as Maj Landgren points out)

Response by Shirley Tice made May 17 at 2022 11:27 AM

2022-05-17T11:27:51-04:00

He sounds pretty good, for me essays is a very hard topic, I can recommend you too, when I have to do an essay or homework.

Response by CA Kyle Millette made Sep 30 at 2022 1:08 AM

2022-09-30T01:08:20-04:00

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