I am a Military Caregiver & I want to be Seen

2021-12-06T09:46:47-05:00

I jumped out of the first plane I flew in. But my adventure in skydiving was a breeze compared to what I’m doing now: caring full time for my 63-year-old father, a service-disabled Veteran of the U.S. Army.

The Elizabeth Dole Foundation refers to the 5.5 million military caregivers in the United States as “hidden heroes.” I don’t know that I feel heroic but I do feel unseen. In deciding to share my story around the time of November’s National Family Caregivers Month, I hope to increase awareness about what we military caregivers do, and help us obtain the critical resources we earn.

As my Veteran father’s primary caregiver, I schedule medical appointments. I collect medical records. I administer medications and treatment. I attend a constant stream of exams and procedures. I sit in waiting rooms, wait for prescriptions, sift through bills and fill out paperwork.

When my Dad recently had a life-threatening incident at our apartment, I called an ambulance to rush him to the emergency room. If I wasn’t there that day serving as caregiver, my Dad wouldn’t be alive today.

Because I cannot earn a living outside of caregiving, we depend on my father’s monthly disability and pension checks to stay afloat and no other income comes into the household. I do this out of loyalty, deep concern and love for my Dad, a Veteran who volunteered to serve this country and was injured in an accident during service. It’s a 24/7 commitment and there are no paid vacations.

Dreams deferred

In doing everything I can do to keep my Dad alive — by myself, without help from my siblings — I am like so many other caregivers who has had to defer my dreams.

Even though I earned a bachelor’s degree in communications and have experience as a production assistant for popular shows like “Homeland,” it’s now impossible for me to work and care for my father, who the U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs (VA) has rated 90% service-disabled. (A lawyer is seeking to move his status to the more realistic 100% service-disabled.)

My Dad receives health care at Hampton VA Medical Center in Virginia, but I’m told our circumstances don’t currently qualify me for financial help under VA’s Caregiver Support Program.

I’m a 31-year-old who’s the first in my family to go to college, but full-time caregiving means I cannot earn a salary to reduce my student loan debt or build up my bank account, which hovers near zero. During bleaker moments, I’ve felt despair and a diminished sense of worth, especially lacking the time to work in my profession. On the worst days, I experience a crushing emotional toll and a sense that life is almost not worth living.

It’s encouraging to see that a provision in the Build Back Better Act (H.R. 5376) that passed the House in November and awaits passage in the Senate would provide four weeks of paid leave to compensate me for caring for my seriously ill father, even if my earnings consisted of unemployment benefits. However, this benefit would not kick in until Jan. 1, 2024, and that’s if the provision remains in the bill, and the legislation is passed by Congress and signed into law.

Filling the breach

In the meantime, I discovered that there are private organizations who do see caregivers like me, and have offered to assist.

First lady Rosalynn Carter’s Rosalynn Carter Institute (RCI) for Caregivers supports the estimated 53 million unpaid and informal family caregivers, including those caring for Veterans. These are folks who scramble around like I do — running errands, shopping for groceries, providing wound care, managing prescriptions, and cooking and cleaning for parents and other relatives.

Through RCI’s Operation Family Caregiver program for the military community, I look forward to getting connected to one-on-one coaching resources.

I also plan to explore Elizabeth Dole Foundation’s Hidden Heroes program, which is a community of caregivers and an access point to respite services and other support. The RallyPoint community and public can also send supportive messages to caregivers and volunteer to lend us a hand at https://hiddenheroes.org.

If I could wave a magic wand and get anything I wanted, I would make my Dad healthy and well. For me as his caregiver, another wave of my magic wand would relieve me of student loans, which I can’t bring down without a steady paycheck. I would also grant myself easier access to mental health services to cope with feelings of hopelessness and manage the more difficult days. I would conjure the time to do a job I love, nurturing my passions for writing, reading and publishing. I would give myself the freedom to not only survive but to really live.

Until then, I keep my spirits up strumming my guitar and knowing that I’m doing something important for one of our nation’s Veterans. Because I am a military caregiver and, for now, that’s how I should be seen.

Learn more

Elizabeth Dole Foundation: https://www.elizabethdolefoundation.org/hidden-heroes.

Hidden Heroes: https://hiddenheroes.org.

Rosalynn Carter Institute for Caregivers: https://www.rosalynncarter.org.

VA Caregiver Support Program: https://www.caregiver.va.gov.

Hidden Heroes - Join and Support Military Caregivers

Military caregivers don’t often ask for help, but they deserve our support. Join the Elizabeth Dole Foundation's Hidden Heroes campaign today.

Response by PFC David Foster made Dec 6 at 2021 9:52 AM

2021-12-06T09:52:18-05:00

Thank you for your service.

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Dec 6 at 2021 9:57 AM

2021-12-06T09:57:45-05:00

Thank you for sharing your story but more importantly... for being your father's caregiver. He is blessed to have you. Seek out your God in times if despair.

Response by PO2 Russell "Russ" Lincoln made Dec 6 at 2021 11:23 AM

2021-12-06T11:23:45-05:00

Eric Barnett You are truly a Hero. It is a great service you give to your father. Thank you.

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made Dec 6 at 2021 12:00 PM

2021-12-06T12:00:24-05:00

Job well done. I don’t understand why you don’t qualify for caregiver funds.

Response by SPC Margaret Higgins made Dec 6 at 2021 1:42 PM

2021-12-06T13:42:08-05:00

@ Eric Barnett: That's Awesome; Sir.

Response by SGM Bill Frazer made Dec 6 at 2021 2:33 PM

2021-12-06T14:33:41-05:00

Thank you for your service to us and your Dad

Response by PO3 Deidre Blascyk made Dec 6 at 2021 2:36 PM

2021-12-06T14:36:04-05:00

You are providing an invaluable service to one of America's finest, thank you Eric Barnett !

Response by SMSgt Bob Wilson made Dec 6 at 2021 7:23 PM

2021-12-06T19:23:49-05:00

I understand your dilemma. For you it is a stressful situation with many ups and downs. Your father is taken care of; however, what about you? Look at social services programs for yourself. Stress can be serious and you appear to need to destress. Get yourself some assistance. Your father needs a healthy, well adjusted son.

Response by LTC David Brown made Dec 9 at 2021 9:07 AM

2021-12-09T09:07:34-05:00

May God bless you. Honor your father and mother and you are fulfilling the mission.

Response by Lt Col Charlie Brown made Dec 9 at 2021 12:22 PM

2021-12-09T12:22:31-05:00

Thank you for what you are doing. If you are not a member of Military and Veteran Care Network, I invite you to join us. It was established by the Elizabeth Dole foundation and is now under the American Red Cross Eric Barnett

Response by MCPO Hilary Kunz made Dec 16 at 2021 2:01 PM

2021-12-16T14:01:27-05:00

Thank you!

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Dec 24 at 2021 1:41 AM

2021-12-24T01:41:29-05:00

Please post comment and share the hell out of this!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rLPaBqEQML8&t=57s

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Response by SMSgt David Miller made Dec 30 at 2021 8:31 AM

2021-12-30T08:31:22-05:00

Good on you and wishing you and your family a happy New Years 2022!

Response by CPL Daniel Loween made Jan 5 at 2022 10:59 PM

2022-01-05T22:59:26-05:00

You are a special kind of hero..the real kind!

Response by Lois Price made Jan 20 at 2022 11:25 AM

2022-01-20T11:25:29-05:00

Thank you sharing your story. It is quite moving and beautiful.
I am caring for my mother after she had a massive stroke in 2016 that left her unable to walk or talk.
My dad was a war-time Veteran. So I am able to get assistance through the VA for her since she’s a disabled spouse of a war-time Veteran.
I didn’t know about the Dole & Carter foundations that you referenced. So I will definitely check them out. Thank you.

I’m hoping to get another job, likely a part-time work-from-home position (maybe a call center job) to help make ends meet and to give us a little more of a financial cushion.
I will also find out from the foundations you referenced if they can recommend or pay for respite care services. However, my mom is incontinent and has severe aphasia. So it’s not easy finding quality trustworthy care for her in her condition.
You’re so right about a lot of what you said. The hardest part of caregiving can be just trying to figure out how to live and not merely just exist.
I can work remotely while caring for my mom. But, I do believe that mental health services and basic self-care are fundamental areas where I need to improve on this year.
I guess since it’s still January lol, I can make a revised resolution for 2022 to give myself some caregiving attention to and try to live a little more. More living and less ‘just existing.’

Best wishes to you and to your father.
God bless you both.

Warmest regards,

Lois