I have a marital question regarding the military/marriage. Does anybody else have a hard time bringing up certain things to spouses?

2019-04-09T18:07:52-04:00

Does anybody else have a hard time being able to bring up certain things to spouses. Being able to talk to them through situations your going through?

Response by SPC Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 9 at 2019 6:09 PM

2019-04-09T18:09:57-04:00

And if so. How do you go amongst talking to them? I’m a team leader right now and I don’t talk to her much about work orif I’m going through anything and of corse she doesn’t like it.

Response by Maj John Bell made Apr 9 at 2019 9:50 PM

2019-04-09T21:50:02-04:00

Unless it was classified, or a personal confidence, my wife knew everything. She was a great sounding board and an even better adviser. Some of my peers and seniors told me I was crazy. My wife and I have been married 36+ years without a major fight.

Response by Cpl Mark A. Morris made Apr 10 at 2019 11:02 AM

2019-04-10T11:02:35-04:00

I wish you good fortune.
After being married for over 18yrs now, I have found to pick a good time to talk. After a meal together. Having a glass of wine together. It is best to not raise your voice. After all, she is who you married and you should show her respect and love.
Go for a walk. Talk about stuff. Tell her you want her to be happy and you are working hard. Tell her your work sometimes...
My 2cts.

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made Apr 10 at 2019 11:05 AM

2019-04-10T11:05:30-04:00

You are shooting a shotgun blast of a question. What is the crux of the matter?

Response by LTC John Shaw made Apr 10 at 2019 11:14 AM

2019-04-10T11:14:02-04:00

Hmmm, I have been married 27 years.

Everyone has something that is difficult to discuss with the spouse. Politics, Religion, Sex, Clearance level work topics that your spouse may not have any way to relate.
Many times it is not the topic, it is the style of discussion:
As soon as you meet at the end of the work day is usually not the time to go into detail on everything that happened during the day and what you have planned for the evening or for the kids. You need to communicate that you need some 'alone' time to break up the work mindset and shift to family.
One person is very talkative and the other quietly processing and has only a few comments.
It is OK to say, please give me a few minutes and then let them know when you are ready.

Response by LtCol Robert Quinter made Apr 10 at 2019 6:11 PM

2019-04-10T18:11:04-04:00

If the situations you are going through are going to effect her also, you have to find a way to let her know what's going on. Remember, she probably married you because she thought you were something special, and if the marriage is still good, her feelings probably haven't changed. try to explain the situation as well as you can, she may not understand totally, but she will probably appreciate your talking because you are making her part of your life.
So ends my chaplain gig!

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 10 at 2019 8:14 PM

2019-04-10T20:14:24-04:00

PFC Jimmy Thompson, the issue apply's to all marriages not only military ones. Yes sometimes it's hard to bring up certain things with a spouse, because the other spouse doesn't understand what language you are talking.
When I was a SWAT officer, my wife at that time couldn't understand why I had to go when I was called, and might get killed that day or night.
And the other officers understood why, police officers talk another language, when others don't understand too.
It's a fact of life with another human.

Response by Cpl Joseph Heaphy made Apr 11 at 2019 11:50 AM

2019-04-11T11:50:00-04:00

I'm just here for the replies! Hang in there buddy!

Response by MSG Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 11 at 2019 3:21 PM

2019-04-11T15:21:45-04:00

Not really. A lot of the problems we face from day to day operations is interpersonal and that can be discussed rather easily. Just take the time to explain your situation without making your spouse feel stupid and you will be fine.

Response by SSG Thomas Trutt made Apr 12 at 2019 6:00 PM

2019-04-12T18:00:54-04:00

Not sure which direction you're going with this so I'll address both.

First off, I am fortunate to have a spouse who is also a veteran, but I have seen some people whose spouses just "don't get it" and that leads to some troubles. The Soldier comes home and complains about their boss being really tough that day, and the spouse tries to offer support by giving them advise that won't fly in the military, like "just go to HR". So sometimes the disconnect can be rough. The important thing is that even though this isn't the time the Soldier wants to go into these issues, they need to help educate their spouse on how the military works or else, frustrated with the disconnect, the soldier will stop sharing at all. The Soldier can make an effort to explain things and teach, and the spouse can make an effort to learn more about military culture.

Another problem can be traumatic events. These are the things you never want to bring up with anyone because they still hurt, or "how would she look at me if she knew". If you can't talk about these things with your spouse then find someone you can, a therapist, chaplain, or fellow vet. My personal advise is be honest about the things you hide - tell them "I have this thing that I'm not sharing with you because I'm still working through it, please be patient". And let them know what they can do to help.

Good luck!

Response by CSM Charles Hayden made Apr 12 at 2019 6:36 PM

2019-04-12T18:36:18-04:00

Does the ‘Marriage Encounter’ weekend still exist? Didn’t they push/explore/expand martial communication skills?

Response by SFC Melvin Brandenburg made Apr 13 at 2019 1:33 AM

2019-04-13T01:33:46-04:00

My spouse is military, so not a problem here. I have found it wise to not discuss everything.

Response by Lt Col Charlie Brown made Mar 26 at 2021 5:45 AM

2021-03-26T05:45:04-04:00

Talk to your chaplain or contact Military One Source for Marital Counseling