I’ve been dealing with heavy depression/suicidal thoughts for awhile now. What do I do?

PVT Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 18 Jun 2019 11:12:17 -0400

I’m in the National Guard. I’ve been in for 2 years now. I know it’s only a few days a month and 2-4 weeks each summer. It’s nothing, I know. I was dealing with heavy depression before I enlisted but decided to enlist because I thought it would give me better direction in life and set me on a new path. It did the complete opposite. I am much worse now, and the depression has increased and now has reached suicidal thoughts. At this point, I would rather kill myself than be at this Annual training right now. I’ve had these suicide thoughts for about 6 months now and it’s getting worse.

I just found out I tore my meniscus, again. So now I will be needing my 3rd knee surgery when I get home. I had two knee surgeries prior to the Army. Now I will be needing my 3rd when I get home. All 3 on the same knee as well. I’m an 11b so knees are kind of important. I am just going to keep tearing shit in this knee and keep having to get surgeries as an 11b. I thought about trying to change my MOS to something easier on my knee, but people in my unit have told me it is impossible to change MOS’ till after your contract.

I feel trapped. I’m just stuck and I feel like my only way out of my shitty situation is suicide. I’m tired of feeling like this.

Response by MSG Gary Eckert made Jun 18 at 2019 11:26 AM

MSG Gary Eckert — Tue, 18 Jun 2019 11:26:10 -0400

Immediately, go to the person located closest to you and tell them you are having thoughts about suicide. If they don't take action to get you to mental health go to the next closest person. Do not stop until someone has gotten you to the hospital or some other counseling facility. Your knees will be taken care of, at this point, they are not your top priority, getting to a mental health professional is.

Response by SSG Carlos Madden made Jun 18 at 2019 1:00 PM

SSG Carlos Madden — Tue, 18 Jun 2019 13:00:22 -0400

Hi Austin, please check out some of the resources out there to help. They're all free. http://support.rallypoint.com/customer/en/portal/articles/2826234-emergency-resources-and-support?b_id=4766

Emergency Resources and Support

Essential Support and Services If you, or someone you know, is in need of immediate or emergency care, please stop n...

Response by SCPO Private RallyPoint Member made Jun 18 at 2019 2:00 PM

SCPO Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 18 Jun 2019 14:00:57 -0400

My advice (based upon personal family experience and military career training and experience) is:
Immediately go to the nearest hospital emergency room or call 911 and tell them about the suicide thoughts that you are having. When you're talking with the medical personnel you can tell them that you are current military member. Best wishes to you.

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Jun 18 at 2019 11:22 PM

SSG Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 18 Jun 2019 23:22:01 -0400

Don’t do it man get some help!!!!

Response by SFC Daniel Jarvis made Jun 18 at 2019 11:47 PM

SFC Daniel Jarvis — Tue, 18 Jun 2019 23:47:44 -0400

Where are you located?

Response by SSG Carlos Madden made Jun 19 at 2019 10:08 AM

SSG Carlos Madden — Wed, 19 Jun 2019 10:08:22 -0400

Where are you at right now?

Response by SSG Eduardo Ybarra Jr. MS Psyc made Jun 19 at 2019 9:39 PM

SSG Eduardo Ybarra Jr. MS Psyc — Wed, 19 Jun 2019 21:39:14 -0400

This is one demon that you can tame. A couple of elements you mentioned come into focus: 1. that you have been having these thoughts of depression prior to joining the NG and 2. the symptoms have gotten worse since joining. If the demons are that strong within you medication is usually what you'll be given. I will share this; medication doesn't work, all it does is mask the symptoms and basically turn you into someone you and your loved ones won't recognize. Another devastating fact about medication prescribed to young men such as yourself is that you run a greater risk of committing suicide when on certain meds. This is information you need to know before you put anything into your system. Here are some ways of mitigating these demons find an outlet, something that brings you some semblance of peace (fishing, playing the guitar, video games (non violent), golfing, biking, etc.). When you are doing what brings you peace and have an episode stop and take up a new one. This way you won't associate the depressive thoughts with what brings you peace. There are several outlets that you can explore within the military circle to help you just by listening (the VFW, Military Order of the Purple Heart (you don't need to be a member) Vets crisis line. [login to see] , Wounded Warrior, or even a neighbor who has served). We are out here for each other, there is even a facebook page 22 is 22 too many, just reach out anyone of us will give you an ear.

Response by SSgt Larry Chaple made Jun 20 at 2019 8:21 AM

SSgt Larry Chaple — Thu, 20 Jun 2019 08:21:22 -0400

Please read my response to SSG Ybarra but it ends with this.
Austin, if you are reading this, and I hope you are, get some help and if you don't click with the first counselor you get, ask for another one, and another one after that if need be. Your life is important to a lot of people, even if it doesn't seem like it is worth living right now. If you want to chat, just contact me.

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Jun 22 at 2019 8:28 PM

SSG Private RallyPoint Member — Sat, 22 Jun 2019 20:28:38 -0400

Some great advice on here brother. You and I have very similar, if not the exact same story. Former 11B, 3 knee surgeries on the same knee, and problems with depression exasperated by our time in service. I know it doesn't seem like it, but it does get better. That voice in your head that's telling you it won't is lying. And as sure as I'm typing this post, I'm having to tell myself that as well.

Response by SFC Daniel Jarvis made Jun 22 at 2019 8:46 PM

SFC Daniel Jarvis — Sat, 22 Jun 2019 20:46:50 -0400

There’s a new treatment for PTSD that eliminates the negative emotions attached to a traumatic memory. It reconsolidates the memory from short term to long term. Look us up at 22ZERO FB or search the Reconsolidation of Traumatic Memories (RTM) Protocol.

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Jun 24 at 2019 12:44 AM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 24 Jun 2019 00:44:24 -0400

Okay all these people below are just telling you to go "talk" to someone or call a hotline. Bullshit. I know your situation pretty well. and I know that "talking" and calling a hotline doesn't work. (been there done that) What works are answers and plans. You want answers. "how do I fix my problems" "how do I change my MOS" "how do i take care of my health" "how can I have a fulfilling life when it feels like I'm drowning in problems"

But I think the biggest question you have is "what will give me enough hope that suicide doesn't seem like the right answer?"

I cant fix your problems, but I can help you identify them and help you make plans to overcome them. Through your struggle to fix the little things here and there we can try and find out what you can do long term to give you a sense of self worth and purpose. Hell, maybe just fixing the problems you have will take enough weight off your shoulders to give you that hope. Just remember, your problems are like debts on your emotional capacity, handle each debt one at a time, and dont spend so much of your emotional bank on everything because you'll never have enough to pay anything off.

Do you want my email or phone number? I'm in Afghanistan right now so we would have to text on whatsapp or messenger. Regardless, I'm not going to tell you to call a hotline or talk to a family member. I know first hand how useless that will be. If you want to talk to someone that's been in your shoes, ask me for my info. Ill check back in tomorrow to see if you have responded.

Unlike your current unit apparently, I will have your back.

Response by SFC Bennie Davis made Jun 24 at 2019 2:55 PM

SFC Bennie Davis — Mon, 24 Jun 2019 14:55:21 -0400

Austin, I'm checking on you to see if you got any help. You have a lot of battle buddies who care about you and want to see you get help so give us an update on your situation. PM me if you need to.

Response by PFC Lisa McDonald made Jun 26 at 2019 3:55 AM

PFC Lisa McDonald — Wed, 26 Jun 2019 03:55:38 -0400

I had a really bad experience with the NG after 3 years in the regular Army.
It's brave of you to reach out for advice. I sincerely hope you are doing okay.
I have suffered greatly from anxiety and depression.
I personally have not found the suicide hotline very helpful.
I found Vets4Warriors more helpful [login to see] .
I am an older Infantry and former 60 Gunner.
I just saw a doctor about my knees. He said I can easily move your kneecaps more than an inch! They are not supposed to do that! Lol
I hope you reach to Vets4Warriors and can find a good counselor and a group of friends you can lean on!

Response by CPL Brock Randolph made Jul 2 at 2019 9:44 PM

CPL Brock Randolph — Tue, 02 Jul 2019 21:44:20 -0400

Reach out to your 11 Bravo Brothers oh, there are plenty of Facebook groups and also race to erase 22 is a good resource and find them on Facebook also

Response by PFC Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 6 at 2019 1:58 AM

PFC Private RallyPoint Member — Sat, 06 Jul 2019 01:58:23 -0400

Honestly man my best advice is to just suck it up and finish it out honorably. It's the easiest route. I'm active duty and was deployed directly out of basic, ended up seeing a good man kia due to some failed leadership decisions. As awful as the situation was and as much as I blamed myself I knew I had to continue pushing. Come to find out I came home to a baby boy who was born before deployment and I was never told. I personally sat there bud with a rifle and question those thoughts silently. It is not the answer, it removes the possibility of improvement. Life is long and your military career is short even on a 6yr or whatever you're on, best bet is to evaluate what you want out of life and start to build a plan towards those goals like college for instance national guard is perfect for it. As for your training well we don't train like we fight at all and the training sucks a freaking lot but hey be thankful it's not every week like us full timers because let me tell you it has its challenges and especially even more so when the training doesn't make sense or actually compare to a real deployment. It is what it is and you gotta tough it out. Remember find your purpose otherwise you will walk aimlessly through life hating most things.

Response by SGT Matija Gubic made Aug 1 at 2019 10:47 AM

SGT Matija Gubic — Thu, 01 Aug 2019 10:47:06 -0400

You need to take time off from all training and comunicate with outreach program in your area.
Go get some bloods done and check your testosterone levels no joke.That was my issue for a while but I pushed through.
Remember when you only think of your self these thought come.Think of all the people who love you and would be hurt if you decided to juts waist your life.
Stay strong.Start looking into your family tree and find your true herritage which will make you mentally stronger.Connect with something that gives you hope.
Remove your self from all negativity and sin.
Get away from alchocol.
If you need to talk about it [login to see]

Response by SPC Dwight Turner made Aug 31 at 2019 3:55 PM

SPC Dwight Turner — Sat, 31 Aug 2019 15:55:02 -0400

i served 14yrs 3 active 11 reserve i was treated while active at ft. knox which i forgot about as of today i suffer from bilpolar1 anxiety and emontional depression if your still in they can help you get help dpnt let your life getting you down !!!! enjoy life !!!! you have alot to offer strive on move forward

Response by SPC Dwight Turner made Aug 31 at 2019 3:57 PM

SPC Dwight Turner — Sat, 31 Aug 2019 15:57:29 -0400

depression can kill theres help but you need to want help !!1 have your NCOIC or OFFICER in charge guide you learn from others why we have help move forward never look back !!!! rock steady

Response by CPT Talem Gomez made Sep 1 at 2019 3:47 AM

CPT Talem Gomez — Sun, 01 Sep 2019 03:47:24 -0400

Just think of experience and friends you made,i attempted but i guess I would say if i where dead i can't have these feelings. Well let us know if you got help,talk to your vso,take care bro..stay strong,hoorahh

Response by SGT Mark Hasch made Sep 2 at 2019 9:07 AM

SGT Mark Hasch — Mon, 02 Sep 2019 09:07:04 -0400

Wow!!! Sounds like I'm reading from my past, from 1989 to 2015 I had over 18 surgeries ending in a knee replacement!!! I served 17 years in INFANTRY, 8 years in combat engineers, 1 year in supply, 1 year as an armor, 1 year as a mechanic, and 3 years as a water purification repairer.
8 years active and the rest National Guard, I know that not every soldier is not the same, some helped me tremendously while others did not!!! Having said all of this, my question is have you been turning in your paperwork? If so, ask your doctor if he could possibly give you a profile? While doing all of this be sure to scan all documents from the doctor and send them in a email, this way you have proof from your message read and message sent email files(store these on a disc, you'll need them later), the reason I say this is because when you are diagnosed with a possible problem that can effect you or your teammates in combat, you are supposed to be put into a med-hold unit, then the doctors determine whether you are "FIT FOR DUTY" save this information as well!!!
Now, when you're processed out make sure to be a member of the AMERICAN LEGION and D.A.V., this way they can make sure everything is on the up and up!!!
The last unit I was in, the 1st sgt had a beef with me(it was very obvious) but he lacked in FORTITUDE &/or leadership abilities!!! He never addressed the trouble he had with me, so i/we could move on to achieve any & or all missions!!!
Long story short the CO asked me if I wanted to make an IG complaint, I said no, the reason is this would be great for revenge on the 1st sgt but it would be a heavy burden on the leadership of the Battalion HQ and this 1st sgt was not worth all of that!!!
The reason(if you've made it this far is to show you can survive this) I've went thru this is to show you how to do this process and be successful!!!
Now 2 things you also need to do, focus on your personal mission, either staying in and dealing with your depression or getting out, regardless of whether you let MEPS know about your knee or not you are a soldier with a "MEDICAL" problem, "FOCUS" on your goal and " WORK OUT" it's a proven fact that exercise helps with depression and focusing on your goal helps even more!!!
Now get out there and kick some but TROOP!!!/:0)

Response by Randall Johnson made Sep 5 at 2019 6:25 AM

Randall Johnson — Thu, 05 Sep 2019 06:25:31 -0400

Call your local VA.