SGT(P) Private RallyPoint Member 6769808 <div class="images-v2-count-0"></div>I recently started noticing Soldiers hesitation in talking to me and overhearing them talk about sometimes being nervous of afraid to talk to me because I may get angry. For the lack of a better explanation, I felt ashamed and that I was failing them in not being approachable. I love talking to them and I am lucky to have such a driven and hardworking group of young Soldiers and want to be someone they are comfortable talking to and asking for help. If you&#39;ve struggled with this, how have you tackled or resolved the issue? How did you regain that lost trust? 2021-02-23T08:46:35-05:00 SGT(P) Private RallyPoint Member 6769808

<div class="images-v2-count-0"></div>I recently started noticing Soldiers hesitation in talking to me and overhearing them talk about sometimes being nervous of afraid to talk to me because I may get angry. For the lack of a better explanation, I felt ashamed and that I was failing them in not being approachable. I love talking to them and I am lucky to have such a driven and hardworking group of young Soldiers and want to be someone they are comfortable talking to and asking for help. If you&#39;ve struggled with this, how have you tackled or resolved the issue? How did you regain that lost trust?

2021-02-23T08:46:35-05:00 2021-02-23T08:46:35-05:00 SGT Hector Rojas, AIGA, SHA 6769857

<div class="images-v2-count-0"></div>You may not like my answer but it is the responsible answer to give.<br />It all starts with recognizing that you have an anger management problem. You may not, it could all be just your soldiers being overly fragile and thin skinned.<br />But if you do believe you have, then by all means go to Behavioral on your own and work on resolving your issues FIRST.<br />Only then you can start working on repairing your reputation of the stereotypical &quot;angry NCO&quot; that no one wants to talk to or ask questions to.<br /><br />Best of luck!

2021-02-23T09:15:17-05:00 2021-02-23T09:15:17-05:00 MAJ Byron Oyler 6769987

<div class="images-v2-count-0"></div>Look at each situation when you got angry. Did it warrant it and how was your anger expressed? Nothing wrong with showing displeasure at someone&#39;s actions but yelling and inappropriate language is a problem. My staff knows when I am unhappy with them and I maintain a very professional tone, never raise my voice, and never talk down to them. Our youngest generation of soldiers today tend to cry if you keep them one minute late from their XBox and rather than cater to that you are in a role to bring the realities to life to them. How you do it is what you need to explore.<br />It is great you are doing self exploration for this issue and that is a great place to start but the fact you are doing so, I am not entirely convinced you are the issue. This is one of the best questions on here us older Joes can help you with as many of us did start with tempers and mellowed out with age.

2021-02-23T10:15:00-05:00 2021-02-23T10:15:00-05:00 CPT Private RallyPoint Member 6769991

<div class="images-v2-count-0"></div>This is really a character flaw. We all have had this. It is something we have to work through. I was easily fired up when I was an NCO. I have really worked on this. I really enjoy philosophy so I look to Marcus Aurelius on this. “When you first rise in the morning tell yourself: I will encounter busybodies, ingrates, egomaniacs, liars, the jealous and cranks. They are all stricken with these afflictions because they don’t know the difference between good and evil.” — Marcus Aurelius<br /><br />He was the last of the Great Roman Emperors. He even had a General in the legion in Syria try to over throw him and Marcus felt bad that the General felt that was an option. He told his other Generals not to be upset about the situation. I can&#39;t think of another situation to where you would be justified being upset than a rebellion. But you have to tell yourself that some of the Soldiers we deal with simply don&#39;t understand their actions. We should blame their lack of acknowledge and not them. A book I highly recommend is How to Think Like a Roman Emperor. It will really make you think on how you lead your Soldiers.

2021-02-23T10:17:47-05:00 2021-02-23T10:17:47-05:00 SSG Paul Headlee 6770110

<div class="images-v2-count-0"></div>Get more involved with them. Talk with them about situations you&#39;ve experienced that are similar to or relatable to their&#39;s. Ask them questions about what they are trying to accomplish like, &quot;How do you plan to do that?&quot; Don&#39;t belittle their accomplishments and ambitions. Become someone they perceive to be on their side. Show them how to do things that they&#39;re not good at. They already know you are an NCO and are beholden to the Army&#39;s expectations of you. Get out from behind your fortress and engage them. I&#39;m not telling you to smoke dope and have sex with them, lol. I&#39;m saying be an asset to their development rather than a hindrance. They are not your competition. You can always smoke their asses if it starts to go south.

2021-02-23T11:09:56-05:00 2021-02-23T11:09:56-05:00 SFC Casey O'Mally 6770221

<div class="images-v2-count-0"></div>The first step is recognizing the problem.<br /><br />I am, myself, prone to anger. I very VERY rarely let it show. When I did, it was epic. The way I worked this was through a few different things. <br /><br />One, I am exceptionally good at bottling. I can bottle up ANY emotion for a good deal of time until I find an appropriate time and place to let it go. But that last part is vital.. You HAVE to find a way to let it go. For a long time, I got my anger out on the racquetball court. Beating the ever-loving snot out of that ball was a (relatively) healthy release. Others use running or (legitimate) boxing, or even primal scream therapy. Whatever works for you. But do not bottle without release - it is unhealthy emotionally, mentally, and even physically. Plus, when the lid bursts (and it will, eventually), it will also probably be unhealthy for your career.<br /><br />Second, when I *did* get angry, I made a VERY conscious effort to apologize, and to do so ASAP. If my outburst was public, then so was my apology (when appropriate). If I had embarrassed or belittled someone, I wanted to do everything I could to restore them.<br /><br />Third, I did a lot of introspection. I looked at what was making me mad, why I was mad, and whether my reaction was waranted. (MRT keywords: detecting icebergs!). When I felt that my anger was warranted and/or justified, I worked to find ways of addressing the issue productively. Even if my boss WAS a useless, half-witted jack-nozzle, and his/her orders were stupid, pointless, and dangerous, saying that would not lead to a productive solution or effectively address the legitimate issues. I had to find a way to effectively communicate (keyword: tact) the issues and seek relief from the order or at least an acceptable amendment to the order. And if it was a subordinate that was the problem, ranting and raving is highly unlikely to produce lasting change. Sure, I might be able to get Joe to do this one task this one time, but it will have little effect on NEXT time. (In most cases. Sometimes ranting and raving is warranted, but even then, effective communication is required to let Joe know WHY they screwed up and how to avoid it in the future.)<br /><br />Fourth, and this one was tough for me (and I still struggle with it) was &quot;not my circus, not my monkeys.&quot; Take a good hard look at whether the problems or issues that you see which are causing your anger are in your lane. If your peer is a worthless POS, is that your problem? It MIGHT be, and it may require being addressed. But most of the time, it is not something you have the power to fix, it isn&#39;t REALLY affecting you or your Soldiers, and it can be safely ignored. (Please note, I am not recommending or advocating ignoring failing to meet standards or anything like that. But if your peer just sucks at their job, that is on them and their supervisor, not on you.) If your BC is a toxic leader, what power do you have to change that? Yes, it may affect you and your Soldiers, but can you, as a squad leader, really do anything to change the Battalion&#39;s climate? Probably not. So you realize that this, too, is not your circus, and focus on what IS your circus. You take the anger at how screwed up *X* is and use it to fuel your squad. Take the screwed up things they are doing, recognize it, and use it as a model of what not to do. Use that anger and channel it into making sure that your guys are squared away, and into finding ways that you can counteract (at least partially) the effects of that bad leader.<br /><br />Fifth, take a deep breath. Yep, that&#39;s it.<br /><br />Sixth, counseling. If you have an MFLC, go see them. Seriously. Counseling isn&#39;t JUST for &quot;mental health issues&quot; (and we can debate whether being prone to violent outbursts of anger qualify as a mental health issue another time). Sometimes just having someone to talk through your issues with helps a shit-ton.<br /><br /><br />I strongly recommend you sit down with your MRT. I am not a huge fan of the Army&#39;s Resilience Training model (and I was a certified MRT who actively facilitated and delivered training). But, your MRT has (or should have) a wealth of knowledge and tools which can help you work through some of these issues. As mentioned, the Detecting Icebergs skill will likely be exceptionally helpful for this particular issue. But you may also want to work through Thinking Traps and/or Catastrophizing. ATC, Real-time resilience, Put it in Perspective, and even Energy Management may come in to play.

2021-02-23T12:07:22-05:00 2021-02-23T12:07:22-05:00 PV2 Keith Young 6770261

<div class="images-v2-count-0"></div>One if the way I was to try to wait before I spoke. Take a couple of deep breaths before speaking. In regards to regain trust is respect. Hold a informal meeting and have them tell you what is on their mind. An mutual understanding is critical. If you need to apologize, do so. It will take some time to gain their trust. Lead the way you should. Lead in a way that embodies that kind of respect. Talk to your platoon leader or your local counseling center and get some help with your anger issues.

2021-02-23T12:21:39-05:00 2021-02-23T12:21:39-05:00 SFC Melvin Brandenburg 6770585

<div class="images-v2-count-0"></div>Generally when I would go quiet that&#39;s when my soldiers would worry. They knew I was contemplating some old school remedy and was trying to decide on the most interesting way of laying it on them.

2021-02-23T14:50:47-05:00 2021-02-23T14:50:47-05:00 MSG Greg Kelly 6770801

<div class="images-v2-count-0"></div>Sometimes showing your angry is OK what you can never do is take it out on the troop or troops. Discipline good thing abuse bad thing LOL. and its not a fine line. A good example is if your troops see you get angry when they are being screwed with playing some senior NCO or Officers F **k F**k games. Its OK in my humble opinion to get a little red in the face trying to protect your soldiers. Here&#39;s an example from my own life. My Battalion had a meeting for all leaders E5 and up on a new SOP we were going to use when dealing with soldiers who had discipline issues, and/or problems that NCO&#39;s had with soldiers in the field. It boiled down to don&#39;t use harsh language at soldiers any more. Well I had my junior leaders there at the and I was a new 1SG and I mean new Cherry new the paint had not dried. I stood up blurted out &quot;So let me see if I got this shit straight Sir you don&#39;t want us call our guys harsh names, you want us to start carrying baby powder so we can just say it OK. Then powder their butts and send them on their way?&quot; The BC said basically yea. I had not walked into the company area good yet and baby powder jokes started. The E4 mafia and all you know, but anyway I resigned my 1SG position and transferred out of that BN 5 months later. No Abuse I get it treating grown men like children I cannot do it. You know right from wrong at age 12 you just have to choose the right thing. So a little angry is a good thing it shows your soldiers you care about them. I don&#39;t mean a temper tantrum just some disgust, pissed off. You Know.

2021-02-23T16:47:20-05:00 2021-02-23T16:47:20-05:00 1SG Ken Bedwell 6770886

<div class="images-v2-count-0"></div>Step one (most important), identify the problem, which you have.<br />Step two, just try to be calm and thoughtful during your interactions. <br />Step three, understand you won&#39;t always succeed, but it&#39;ll get better with effort. <br />Improving is a conscious choice. You can run around wasting energy being angry all of the time or try to think through things.

2021-02-23T17:35:36-05:00 2021-02-23T17:35:36-05:00 MAJ Ken Landgren 6770999

<div class="images-v2-count-0"></div>DON&#39;T FVCKING FORGET THE CARDINAL RULE OF TREATING PEOPLE WITH DIGNITY AND RESPECT. IF YOU DON&#39;T YOU CAN BE A TOXIC LEADER.

2021-02-23T18:26:10-05:00 2021-02-23T18:26:10-05:00 SGT Private RallyPoint Member 6771073

<div class="images-v2-count-0"></div>You praise in public and admonished in private.

2021-02-23T18:52:05-05:00 2021-02-23T18:52:05-05:00 CPT Jack Durish 6771322

<div class="images-v2-count-0"></div>If it&#39;s a pattern of behavior, it&#39;s hard to reestablish trust. I only lost it once. I had a general meeting of my &quot;command&quot; which included about 70 civilian employees (union members) as well as about 80 military members. I was soliciting their assistance in handling a dicey situation and one of the civilians interrupted anticipating (erroneously) what I was about to say before saying anything beyond good morning. I lost it. I felt the heat rising in my neck and traveling to my forehead. I could well imagine my color reflected the temperature. I told them to stand down and excused myself. I had my first sergeant reassemble everyone about an hour later and apologized. The civilian appeared afraid to speak until after the meeting was over. Generally, everyone was pleased with my proposal and I accepted their suggestions graciously. That one incident is a far cry from a pattern of anger and isn&#39;t directly applicable. However, I suspect that my simple knee-jerk reaction of backing away (giving myself a chance to &quot;count to ten&quot;) saved that day, and may help you. Of course, you may have to repeat it several times until a new pattern of behavior emerges and your command accepts the &quot;new you.&quot; Remember, patience is a virtue.,,

2021-02-23T20:17:57-05:00 2021-02-23T20:17:57-05:00 SGT Michael Hearn 6771436

<div class="images-v2-count-0"></div>Hello fellow veteran,<br />It&#39;s tough especially if the troop is dumb as a rock, can&#39;t follow instructions, and says he is in the Army to go to school. take a deep breath let it slow and remind them your here to prepare to go to war

2021-02-23T21:26:11-05:00 2021-02-23T21:26:11-05:00 SGT Michael Hearn 6771441

<div class="images-v2-count-0"></div>You are responsible for your troops 24/7

2021-02-23T21:27:46-05:00 2021-02-23T21:27:46-05:00 SSG Private RallyPoint Member 6772251

<div class="images-v2-count-0"></div>This is something that I struggled with myself on the opposing end. The way I see it, if a Soldier can no longer approach you for anything then they no longer consider you their leader and you have failed them. Keep it balanced. You can show your anger for justifiable reasons like Soldiers not meeting standard or neglect but don&#39;t go all out while at the same time reward them when they do something good even if it&#39;s small (most leaders forget this part). Never talk down on Soldiers, never show your true feelings or let your feelings take over. Your job is to remain professional, emotionally neutral and motivate/inspire your Soldiers to do better and to uphold the standards. If you lead by example, prove that you genuinely care for your Soldiers and walk the extra mile for them, then you will earn their respect and confidence. I get it, were humans too and we all have our bad days, but everyone&#39;s eyes are on you and you are evaluated for everything you say, everything you don&#39;t say, everything you do and fail to do. People are different. Every Soldier has different needs. Sometimes you never know what&#39;s truly going on inside someone&#39;s head so you have to stay engaged with them as much as possible and get to the root of the issue. <br /><br />Hope this help.

2021-02-24T08:12:22-05:00 2021-02-24T08:12:22-05:00 COL Gary Phillips 6773663

<div class="images-v2-count-0"></div>If you kill enough messengers the messages stop coming. A 4 star once told me that as you grow more senior anger is much less useful. Anger just stifles communications and intimidates your subordinates. You might take some time and ask yourself what is making you angry at your subordinates? Does your anger produce the kind of change you are looking for in the subordinates behavior? Does the change last? The best leaders I served with seldom got angry, I worked hard for them not avoid their anger, but to avoid their disappointment. Do not listen to the grouchy old men that say pissing people off is the only way to lead. That way is for weak leaders. You can make hard decisions and do the right thing without being an ass.

2021-02-24T17:47:41-05:00 2021-02-24T17:47:41-05:00 SSG George Holtje 6774567

<div class="images-v2-count-0"></div>I had the opposite problem. I was the approachable one. Until, I got a little peeved by smart buttons SPCs thinking they could raise their voice, not address me as Sergeant and tell me their opinion, no matter how stupid, selfish and uninformed their opinion was about everything. <br />You must find a professional medium. That does not have to be a happy medium.

2021-02-25T02:50:20-05:00 2021-02-25T02:50:20-05:00 SGT Private RallyPoint Member 6908045

<div class="images-v2-count-0"></div>Well personally, I would say take a look at yourself. Why are you angry? Is it factors like stress, personal life, etc.? Is it the Soldier? Or the Soldier’s situation? Once you figure it out, you can plan how to proceed. Next, explain to the Soldiers that you made a mistake losing your temper and if you feel you should apologize. Then do so. There’s nothing wrong with an apology. Some people will think an apology is weak, but it’s really not.

2021-04-16T22:58:38-04:00 2021-04-16T22:58:38-04:00 2021-02-23T08:46:35-05:00