Is there a need for worry about my PTSD overtaking me?

2015-02-11T20:25:40-05:00

I've been medically retired for 4 years and have switched medications 3 or more times. I've always been ask if I was suicidal, but I'm the opposite. I have told my doctors about being more homicidal than anything and they would ask me if there were a person in mind I wanted act on. Naturally I said no I didn't have the thought of acting, but mentally pictured it often. I had one psychologist tell me to avoid the unit in question all together. Needless to say I was at a different station at the time. The last 6 months I've been have having trouble with anger and rage to the point where I've driven 3 people off the road cause they got mad at me for passing them or what ever, but I find myself looking for trouble or looking for trouble makers. The problem I'm faced with is I do conceal and carry
and love my guns and don't want to lose them to my PTSD or doing something stupid. I've changed meds since and I've calmed down for the most part, but still find myself looking for that idiot to start trouble just to give me an excuse to shoot them. I haven't told my wife due to her father was a Vietnam vet that had flash backs and almost have killed her and her mom due to them. So what I'm asking is there a point I should be worried that I'll go over the edge or is it just time to see what else my doctors can do?

Response by SFC Mark Merino made Feb 11 at 2015 9:36 PM

2015-02-11T21:36:29-05:00

As an outsider with no knowledge of you but your thread description I would say that you are desperately in need of assistance. It sounds to me like you need to talk to the VA's crisis hotline since you have no joy with your psychologist. A psychiatrist can prescribe different mental health meds, not a psychologist. I went through years of adjustments with dosages, new meds, and combination of therapy. Be honest with the professionals as well as yourself. Those guns need to go to someone for safe keeping if you are having rage issues. If you drink, STOP. Alcohol renders all those expensive, helpful meds into very expensive urine and the resulting benefits will be like a rollercoaster, or just non-existent. I had to attend a 4 month residential PTSD program that saved my sanity. Keep us in the loop, compadre.

https://www.rallypoint.com/resources/essential-support

Response by Capt Richard I P. made Feb 11 at 2015 9:47 PM

2015-02-11T21:47:32-05:00

SSG Loren Green I'm going to add my voice to those that have already been raised. A counselor one explained to me that PTSD is a disorder of avoidance. You've already of identified the specific troubling symptoms and a few enablers that could escalate them quickly (weapons, driving). Now it's time to not avoid these concerns, but to address them. The very fact that you mention them is an indicator it may be time to take a break from them. As suggested storing guns with a trusted friend could prevent their loss forever.

I urge you to follow the same inclination that drove you to request advice here and seek to address these challenges. Take advantage of the offers of people who've been there before to talk it over. Things will get better.

Response by CSM Ralph Hernandez made Feb 11 at 2015 9:55 PM

2015-02-11T21:55:18-05:00

I think that you already know the answer to your question but you are wanting to hear it from someone else. You ask if there is a point when you should be worried, you are past that point. I know what you are going through and you need to get a handle on it ASAP. Right now your attention is on someone or something else but that could change in no time. There are plenty of resources out there who are willing to help, all you have to do is ask. You can talk to some of the Vets at a VFW, or DAV. My recommendation is that you seek help immediately don't put it off because it will only get worse.

Response by SSG(P) Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 11 at 2015 9:58 PM

2015-02-11T21:58:12-05:00

We have a local PTSD/anger management class that meets 4x a month, it is sponsored by the VA...perhaps you can find a group to join, and if there is no group, start one....perhaps leading such a group would be more therapeutic than you think.

I think an anger support group is key....

I'm not always in agreement with some of the psychiatric meds, or even psychotropic drugs...too many side-effects And there is too little research with poly-pharmacia....

Response by CPT Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 11 at 2015 10:26 PM

2015-02-11T22:26:20-05:00

First, you seem by your markers that you know that you need the help. Your post indicates a couple of very dangerous habits that could lead you easily to prison time, regardless of circumstances. Running people off the road and conceal carrying while ACTIVELY seeking trouble are extreme behaviors that are flirting with the line, and fortunately for you that none have stepped across that line for you.

This is your chance right now, and the actions you take will have a very dramatic impact on your future. Your firearms are still secondary to your freedom. I would suggest possibly having them stored or unloaded and NOT concealed carrying at this stage in your life. You can engage with a psychologist or other behavioral health person that is not licensed, but the concerning part for me is the fact that you are verbalizing homicidal ideations.....which may be a type of "mandatory report" scenario. If you want, I will look into that for you with others that are behavioral health trained (forensic psychologist and a former behavioral health tech).

However, I would say you are at "critical mass" right now. All it takes is a single wrong step and your life will be forever changed. I don't know your back story, but I do know that you deserve the opportunity to manage your own life.
v/r,
CPT Butler

Response by LCDR Rabbah Rona Matlow made Feb 11 at 2015 10:33 PM

2015-02-11T22:33:00-05:00

SSG Green, acknowledging the problem is the first step. You know what you need to do. Others here have echoed this already. A good combination of meds and counseling is vital. The mind is a mystery so treating it is not an exact science. Keep on plugging. Also, read "Once a Warrior Always a Warrior " by C.Hoge (COL USA MC RET.) available on Amazon.com. It's a how to book for combat vets and their families.

If you need urgent help, the Crisis Line is 1.800.273.TALK. Option 1.

Contact me off line if you need to talk. I support vets with PTSD through The Soldier's Project.

Response by CSM Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 12 at 2015 12:59 AM

2015-02-12T00:59:39-05:00

SSG Loren Green I also have/had some of the same issues as you. I am also a concealed license holder and have several pistols, rifles and shotguns. You have received a lot of good advice, but one thing I would like you to consider doing, and doing first thing n the morning.

Take all of your guns to one of your most trusted friends or family to hold for you until you get some of these issues worked through. If you do something with a gun, it is forever - for the person you might shoot and you, bit also remember you have a family, and they probably do also. Do a contract if needed for someone to hold them for you, but by you voluntarily taking care of it, you still keep them, and just remove the possibility of doing something in a split second that will ruin a lot of peoples lives.

If you are like me, it didn't take much to set me off and my temper goes from 0 to 100 in a blink of an eye. You said you have run people off the road and I know you have thought about doing something more serious with the guns. You can honestly tell your Doc's you do not have any (access to) guns and tell them everything you've been thinking - you shouldn't have to worry about losing your guns or your concealed carry this way, and get the help you need.

We can friend each other and talk via private messages if you would like. I'm here for you and want to help.

Response by 1LT David Moeglein made Feb 12 at 2015 2:06 AM

2015-02-12T02:06:49-05:00

SSG Loren Green, You're there brother! You still have the power, and you can keep it, but you must do the right thing. Let me ask you a question. Who is the most dangerous person in your life? If the answer is you, please strongly consider getting help from the person you trust the most to safely secure your firearms.

After you've secured the firearms, then go get help with the PTSD. Your treatment will only be as effective as you will let it be. If something happens to someone as a result of your homicidal thoughts, I'm guessing that it would be very hard for you to forgive yourself. However, if this does not motivate you, think seriously about what is in your best interest. I'm guessing that being incarcerated in a prison cell or a state hospital for the long term is not something you want. You will have a lot more options if you seek help voluntarily.

My first stop after being discharged at Ft. Drum in New York on December 1, 1997 was the VA Medical Center Psychiatric Clinic in Syracuse, New York on December 2, 1997. I knew I needed help, and people were very gracious and generous as long as I was willing to do the right thing. Let me know if I can help in any way.

Response by SFC Richard M. made Feb 12 at 2015 7:05 AM

2015-02-12T07:05:24-05:00

Based on what you're saying, you already know the answer to your question. Personally, I think you need to hand your weapon over to someone you trust for safekeeping and check yourself into an inpatient facility.

You say you don't want to lose your guns over your PTSD, but you could lose your family and/or your freedom over this. Don't let it take control of you, but take steps to protect yourself and, more importantly, your family in case it does. Think about Soldiers that you've had in the past and the actions you would have taken to help them if they were in your shoes.

I sincerely hope you get the help you need brother, cause you need a lot. This is a serious issue and for better or worse, you're the one that needs to take the first step.

Response by SSG John Lisby made Feb 12 at 2015 7:26 AM

2015-02-12T07:26:16-05:00

Hey my friend, I've gone through so drugs it not funny. But a few years ago I was introduced to a service dog, it's been a life changing experience. My dog is a pit bull, he goes with me everywhere. I fell safe , because I know that he has my back. He know when I'm having problems, he even wake during my nightmares. Anyway, he has stopped me from eating a bullet several time. Check into it, it could save your life and your family.
God speed brother your not alone

Response by 1SG Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 12 at 2015 7:45 AM

2015-02-12T07:45:12-05:00

SSG Loren Green, you are not my Soldier, and we have never met. But I can feel what you are going through resonate in me, and I want to reach out and put a hand on your shoulder.
The danger here is not your feelings - the medications can affect that - or the risk-taking or looking for a fight.
The risk is that you have an issue in need of an outlet, and you have identified a target and have the means to strike it. With the "unit" in question distant, you are looking for a replacement outlet. Much like picturing the face of an ex-girlfriend or UBL on the pop-up targets at the range, the fantasy of taking out your anger on something has allure and makes you feel better.
Except it doesn't.
One day, the fantasy won't be enough, and you will want to escalate in order to feel relief. There is very real danger here, SSG Green. You have to find a healthy outlet to releave the pressure or it will consume you. It will not just go away. Trust me on this.
I too struggle from time to time. If talking to someone who understands helps, message me.

Response by PV2 Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 12 at 2015 8:33 AM

2015-02-12T08:33:39-05:00

Please take care of yourself and get some assistance. Don't let this overtake you. There are resources on here such as Project Sanctuary - LTC Jason Strickland and others can perhaps be some assistance. Please feel free to reach out to me and add me as a contact. I'm a good listener. There are people here who care brother.

Response by Cpl Dr Ronnie Manns made Feb 12 at 2015 9:50 AM

2015-02-12T09:50:52-05:00

I worried about that myself for quite some time, then I decided to do a little bit more reading of PTSD and discovered that it will only own you if you refuse to own it, so I wrote a book titled "The Thirteen Stages of PTSD" and placed it on Amazon. What I have learned is the answer does not resides in medication and most of what they give you may only make things worse. The only real way, that I have found to control PTSD is owning it. You see, once you own something, you can control that something but if you do not, it will control you. For me, I established a few red flags for myself to warn me when I am heading toward that edge and I figured out things that I can do, in real time, that will stop my progression toward that cliff. It may be a little easier for me than most because I am unemployed so I have plenty of time to work on this and now my age has become a factor in possibly never being employed again but this only makes me more determined to control my own destiny and not let anyone or anything control it for me.

Response by CPT Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 12 at 2015 11:59 AM

2015-02-12T11:59:28-05:00

You need to go to anger management class. Drugs will only cover so much of your problem. You need to get some behavior modification class to find out your triggers and help find the right way to react to them. Remember you are useless to your family if you end up in prison or worse dead.

Response by SSG Paul Lanciault made Feb 12 at 2015 4:28 PM

2015-02-12T16:28:53-05:00

There's always tomorrow. That's what helps me when I start the stinking thinking. Anything you think of that can harm you or someone else can be put off another day. Meanwhile talk to someone who can help and you trust. Remember you can't undo something stupid, but you can put it off til your in a better space to look at it again. PTSD may always be with you, but it does not have to overtake you. Talk to someone, focus on one more day.

Response by SSG Loren Green made Feb 12 at 2015 10:05 PM

2015-02-12T22:05:25-05:00

I want to thank everyone for your responses and I do talk with my psychologist every two weeks and the new medication helps with my anxiety so I'm calmer than I was. One of my soldiers had reached out to me after searching for years and he's struggling to get the help he needs and it hurts me to know that I can't protect or train him to deal with his problems and I'm going to do classes that include factors of triggers and even couples meetings with me and my wife. My psychologist also gave my son a paper that helps him understand why I am the way I am and my PTSD. My wife also had talked to my psychologist and psychiatrist to tell them what she see's me doing that I'm a not seeing.

Response by A1C Brian Sprick made Feb 13 at 2015 1:58 AM

2015-02-13T01:58:51-05:00

I don't need to repeat what has been said twenty times already. Just to add 1 note. Find a way to release the frustration you feel the moment you feel it. If you stay in contact with someone who went and experienced the same events that bring you troubles with PTSD, call them for a "remember when" chat. The worst part of having this stress disorder is that the quieter you become, the stronger and more frequent it becomes. Acknowledge it, talk about it, accept it and defeat it. The feeling that if you speak to someone who wasn't there will never stop feeling like taking to a stuffed animal. Talk to someone who knows how you feel.

Response by CPT Jack Durish made Feb 13 at 2015 10:15 PM

2015-02-13T22:15:04-05:00

Why are you carrying concealed? Is it a job requirement or is it an emotional choice?

A weapon isn't of much use unless it can be employed as a highly disciplined impulse? Do you trust your impulses?

Carrying a weapon is a great responsibility. Do you feel responsible?

If you were to use your weapon inappropriately, you would not only be subject to extreme retribution, but also, your actions would be used by those who seek to infringe on the rights of everyone else? Are you prepared for those consequences?

If you have any doubt, leave it home...

As regards your treatment, I have discovered good and bad among the physicians and counselors. How can you tell the difference? It's simple. A good physician or counselor will begin with a contract with the patient, an agreement of what is to be accomplished. It's not the same as cancer. You're not trying to cut out a tumor. You're attempting to ...?

Then you and the person providing treatment establish criteria, preferably in stages towards treatment and not just some vague goal of "normalcy". If you don't reach those well-defined goals, you either must agree on new goals or find someone else.

If your physician or counselor doesn't suggest this, you suggest it.

If they don't agree, go find another one...

Response by Cpl Brett Wagner made Feb 14 at 2015 10:48 AM

2015-02-14T10:48:55-05:00

CPL Ronnie Manns - I will look for your book. You are the kind of Marine that both humbles me & proud to say I am a Marine. Ooh Rah my brother.

Response by MSG Floyd Williams made Feb 14 at 2015 11:07 AM

2015-02-14T11:07:51-05:00

SSG Loren Green....Yes, you will go over the edge if you stop your treatments. Do you have a support group to be there for you in your environment? I don't think it is safe for you and your love ones at this point because you have weapons in your reach. People just don't understand the military world that we develop an aggressive behavior to survive, so the outside world look at our military personnel in a different way without understanding why we are the way we are. I pray it will get better for you, so you can move forward with your family.