Living With a Mental Illness: How I Conquered the Darkness

2017-11-06T10:25:50-05:00

I know what everyone is thinking after reading that title: “Oh, here we go again. Another guy that is going to talk about PTSD.” Actually, no. I can’t speak on the difficulties of PTSD in particular. It isn’t that I do not suffer from some of the symptoms of the disorder, but more that the symptoms of PTSD that I may deal with could be from the disorder or they could be symptoms of yet another mental health condition that I was diagnosed with and subsequently medically retired for.

I was diagnosed as a Manic Bipolar (Bipolar Axis – I) in early 2013. It wasn’t a clear cut kind of thing where I went in and they immediately knew what was wrong with me. No, it took many months and a handful of failed attempts at treating what they had originally thought to be the cause of my issues before I was properly diagnosed.

I don’t care to talk about what goes through my head on a daily basis. I don’t need to talk about how living with my diagnosis affects my mood and my struggle to ensure that I don’t fall into slumps of depression. I would much rather talk about how I deal with this issue in my life because I believe that it can directly be related to a number of other mental health concerns that many of us throughout the veteran community may suffer from.

It doesn’t really matter what the diagnosis is, Post-Traumatic Stress, Bipolar, Depression, Anxiety, whatever you can think of, sadly, we are all members of the very same club. If you haven’t received your membership card and free t-shirt, please call up your VA therapist immediately because they are supposed to issue those. (Please do not actually call them. That was only a joke).

It takes a lot of patience with yourself and others to live with these conditions. I find that being able to take a step back and take a breather when I feel something getting a little “out of wack” tends to help quite a bit. Understanding what gets you bent out of shape goes a long way to being able to react in a preemptive manner when you feel something happening, or avoid things altogether if need be. I can’t stand large crowds of people; I know that many others feel the same way. Well, this means that I don’t go to concerts and usually try to stay clear of certain areas at outdoor festivals and such. I know what sends me spiraling and I do my best to ensure that I am not put in those situations.

Possibly more importantly is adherence to whatever treatment that your medical professionals have set up for you. We are all different. I cannot tell you that this medication works for me and that you should try it. That’s stupid. We are all different and what works for one person may not work, or may have negative effects, on a different person. Listen to your providers and work with them to find the right program and regimen for you. It is not a quick and easy process but I assure you that when you finally get the right stuff set up it will make a world of a difference. There is nothing wrong with doing research on your medications and having open discussion with your providers. I once found that one of the medications that I was prescribed in order to help me fall asleep was an antidepressant. Well, give an antidepressant to a Manic Bipolar and I can tell you that it does the exact opposite of putting them to sleep. Eventually, after a couple years, we found a combination that works wonders for me.

Therapy is a far more valuable tool than you may realize. Many of us aren’t able to talk to family and friends about certain things. Whether those things may be weird dreams we’ve had, thoughts, bad memories, fears, guilt, and any number of things. I know that I have difficulty talking to my family about almost anything that pops into my head. To me it sounds just fine but to them I sound like a sociopath sometimes. It’s hard. I know that I don’t have to worry about freaking them out though because I talk to my therapist about those things. Maybe they aren’t issues and it was just a passing thought but it does wonders for me to speak to someone who doesn’t judge, doesn’t tell me I’m crazy, and I know cannot tell a soul about anything that we have spoken about. I unload some awful stuff sometimes and when I leave I feel ready to take on the world again, even if only for the two weeks between sessions. That’s okay though, because I’ll do it again and I’ll feel great after the next one too.

We all have our issues. Some of us just happen to have some of ours documented in VA medical files and that’s not a horrible thing. There are a myriad of different avenues to receive the right help that you need. I hear yoga does great things but you won’t catch me dead in those stretchy pants (maybe if I wasn’t so fat). Do what you need to do in order to keep yourself on track. Don’t let the little bit of darkness block out the light that the future brings. If all else fails, know that your brothers (and sisters)-in-arms will always be there to talk to and pull you to your feet if the weight becomes just a little too much.

Brave Rifles.

Response by SPC Margaret Higgins made Nov 6 at 2017 10:29 AM

2017-11-06T10:29:56-05:00

SGT Joseph Gunderson: I suffer from PTSD. I commend you for your bravery with your struggles, Sergeant. Please know that I empathize, sympathize with you; and that I love you- Margaret C. Higgins U.S. Army Retired

Response by Cpl Mark A. Morris made Nov 6 at 2017 11:15 AM

2017-11-06T11:15:48-05:00

Thank you for your service to our country Joseph. It take a real man to post on issues most men do not talk about. I think it helps that you have some humor to deal with life.
I enjoyed your post and I am glad you are moving forward.
Have a great day.

Response by SGT David T. made Nov 6 at 2017 12:03 PM

2017-11-06T12:03:57-05:00

Awesome post man! I can't say I disagree with any of it. One thing I will add is don't become the label. Too often we find ourselves defining ourselves by the label that is assigned. Like any condition mental stuff is just that, a condition. It is not who we are. I found myself becoming the label once upon a time. Once I realized that, I took steps to fix that and was able to move forward. I found my life has been much better once I stopped being the label. Of course I still have my stuff that I deal with, but I deal with it as it comes like I would any other medical issue.

Response by SGT Walter Lester made Nov 6 at 2017 12:17 PM

2017-11-06T12:17:27-05:00

First, you need to get help from a professional which you indicate you have. Next regardless of your diagnosis you need to talk about your problem. You need to get it out in the open and let others know about it and the problems it causes. I have told many of my Vet friends the best thing to do is talk about it no matter how gross, stupid,crazy or what ever. If you don't do that, it will eat you up and burn you out.

Response by SFC William Stephens A. Jr., 3 MSM, JSCM made Nov 6 at 2017 12:54 PM

2017-11-06T12:54:38-05:00

First of all there are all kinds of cases of PTSD and I am living proof as well. MY book coming out BLACK FRIDAY will talk about what I truly went through and I think everyone should dig in into it if you get a chance. It's called THE MIRROR. PTSD is not just a battlefield illness as learned in the classroom I was in for 1 year. many still sit on coach and don't understand what the HELL is going on the outside world because they are stuck in their own HELL! Lastly You don't have to even shot a weapon to get to horrible illness, I think a author's few we all have a little PTSD waiting to come out of us at anytime.

Response by PFC Michael Korach made Nov 6 at 2017 9:35 PM

2017-11-06T21:35:32-05:00

Fantastic post very much on point can't add anything more to what you said.

Response by SSG James Behnke made Nov 6 at 2017 9:51 PM

2017-11-06T21:51:26-05:00

Thank you for sharing your struggle, and how you fight for normalcy. With you in spirit, man!!

Response by CSM William DeWolf made Nov 7 at 2017 1:33 PM

2017-11-07T13:33:28-05:00

Thanks for sharing your story! Writing and talking is therapy too! Good luck!

Response by SFC David Szucs made Nov 7 at 2017 6:47 PM

2017-11-07T18:47:29-05:00

Well done

Response by PO1 Jimm Mooney made Nov 9 at 2017 2:33 AM

2017-11-09T02:33:07-05:00

Great Post that speaks volumes and right on target. I can totally relate and I know many others can too. Yes, there are many veterans who will still have your back and finding those friendships is golden.
Brave Rifles back at ya. (M Co 3/3 1972)
Thank you for sharing

Response by PO1 Private RallyPoint Member made Nov 9 at 2017 8:59 AM

2017-11-09T08:59:27-05:00

Great post, I agree with it! I struggle with PTSD/depression/anxiety that makes it hard to function at times. I find that being able to talk with someone or get out with friends/others makes things so much better.

Response by SFC James Marchinke made Nov 9 at 2017 9:58 AM

2017-11-09T09:58:41-05:00

A good read and thanks for sharing. I completed the twelve week program that was suppose to give me avenues when starting to go off the deep end but what they, VA, does not realize is that most times we go off and do not first realize we are in the middle of a very aggravated state before we say or do things we later regret. Had a really good person at VA to converse with until she up and landed a better position out of State; they assigned me to another and here we go again telling the same story that I really do not want to discuss? She also was very good and felt more relaxed after our sessions. So, what happened next? She transferred out of State and VA ask through mailings to call and set up a session via teleconference? I really do not want to start all over again and never set up another start with another counselor. I deal with it on a daily bases the best I can and regularly apologize to my wife after my unnecessary outburst against her for every day conversations. After over thirty years she has to deal with me and the way I am but this is my life and I have to deal with myself also.
Your Post helps me realize each of us has to deal with our own situations the best we can and that no one situations is the same for everyone. Thank you!!

Response by Cpl Scott McCarroll made Nov 9 at 2017 12:01 PM

2017-11-09T12:01:29-05:00

I truly appreciate and understand what you are going through. I was medical discharge after I tried to commit suicide. I was so afraid of what people would think of me that when I got out I just moved from place to place doing anything that was available to just survive. I didn't feel like I was good enough to be called a Marine Vet. I currently have a great psychologist in the VA system here in San Angelo. I still have rough days and don't sleep well but have found that talking about what I did when I served, with others who have is grounding. If you want contact me with a email and I will give you my phone number and you can call anytime.
Semper Fi
Scott

Response by PFC Sandra Wade made Nov 9 at 2017 11:05 PM

2017-11-09T23:05:56-05:00

1st hurdle admitting or being with one to know something is not right. Seeking help is the key, never ever give up. Sometimes it's all about you, and sometimes it's about other's around you.

Response by SFC William Farrell made Nov 19 at 2017 12:22 AM

2017-11-19T00:22:47-05:00

Thank you for sharing SGT Joseph Gunderson. I've always dealt with PTSD since I left Vietnam and alcohol was medicine. Things got worse after my wife dies 17 years ago this Christmas. In a much better place now, alcohol free and mentally well. Be well yourself.

Response by SSgt Harvey "Skip" Porter made Nov 19 at 2017 11:02 PM

2017-11-19T23:02:05-05:00

A good source of info on PTSD: https://www.ptsd.va.gov/apps/AboutFace/Index.html

About Face - National Center for PTSD

The National Center for Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) aims to advance the clinical care and social welfare of U.S. Veterans through research, education and training on PTSD and stress-related

Response by SFC Greg Bruorton made Nov 21 at 2017 3:18 PM

2017-11-21T15:18:09-05:00

Joseph, thank you for elaborating on your special needs. It takes a special kind of courage to not only live through the ordeals you've been exposed to, but also to tell us about it. Keep your chosen faith strong through prayer.

Response by SSgt Harvey "Skip" Porter made Dec 4 at 2017 12:31 PM

2017-12-04T12:31:35-05:00

"On the battlefield, the military pledges to leave no soldier behind. As a nation, let it be our pledge that when they return home, we leave no veteran behind."

Quote by Dan Lipinski

Response by SSG Edward Tilton made Dec 19 at 2017 3:01 PM

2017-12-19T15:01:07-05:00

I didn't conquer mine, I embraced it. All of my life people who were trying to hurt me wound up helping me. The true measure of a man is how much others will pay you to go away

Response by SSgt Harvey "Skip" Porter made Dec 26 at 2017 12:16 AM

2017-12-26T00:16:05-05:00

No-one should be ashamed if they are diagnosed with PTSD it's not a weakness.

Peace!

Response by SPC Joel Willman made Jan 1 at 2018 1:35 PM

2018-01-01T13:35:40-05:00

This is by far one of my most upfront posts I've read! HOORAH!! I thank you for your service, but also the bravery to discuss this! Keep doing what you are doing, it's helping others!

Response by SGT Jennifer Rixe made Jan 28 at 2018 12:26 AM

2018-01-28T00:26:56-05:00

This is a very insightful message - to share your story, even if it wasn't in detail, is incredibly brave and seriously important. I don't want to sound condescending but I am proud of you for putting this information out there for people to read. Stigma about seeking mental health needs to be erased so people can get the help that they need without feeling shamed, broken, or embarrassed. I am in Graduate school to obtain my Masters in Social Work right now and am actually getting ready to write a research proposal on this exact topic. Thank you for allowing me to see things from your perspective. I wish you the best and bravo for practicing the best of self-care!

Response by CH (CPT) Jay Michael made May 20 at 2018 4:02 PM

2018-05-20T16:02:43-04:00

Thank you, Joseph, for your comments. If only all Veterans could read them, they might find a starting point for their own unique issues. I sense that you are not concerned about others' views of you. Thank you, again!

Response by LTC David Brown made May 20 at 2018 5:39 PM

2018-05-20T17:39:19-04:00

Thank you. Very well written and shared.

Response by SSG Robert Gibbs made May 24 at 2019 2:28 PM

2019-05-24T14:28:05-04:00

PTSD is a serious matter.

Response by PO3 Aaron Hassay made Mar 8 at 2020 6:00 PM

2020-03-08T18:00:28-04:00

I think military service itself causes bi polar. I was diagnosed with bi polar 1999 by a navy doctor San Diego mtf and no treatment was rendered and no question of how the frigate I was just on might cause this extremes in emotions...panic and happiness

In the dsm bi polar defines as epic highs and epic lows with no known cause as if it come from thin air and medication can solve..

well where else are not going to find epic highs and epic lows then in military service regularly