Looking for advice from brothers and sisters that understand; changing relationships and children

2015-08-05T09:04:09-04:00

Ok. Here goes. This is my first post on RP. I do not speak that often and when I do it has purpose. The purpose behind this post is to look for some advice. So here is The situation. I am 43 years old. I have 4 children. 1 boy 3 girls. My son and I are very close. However I have no relationship with my daughters. They are victims of the wars in the Middle East. I have been trying to repair the relationship between my daughters and myself for 3 years. It is just getting worse. I have been talking to a lady for about a year now. She is 26 and very mature. She is offering me a New life. All my previous children are adults. I am real tired of being alone 24-7. I am afraid if I do not change my life I may soon join those 23 veterans a day. I can't Trust that a woman with kids of her own not to use this situation to manipulate me. Yes I am aware that this young lady will be looking out for the welfare of her kids. However they will be mine too. Seeing as how we are starting a fresh family I believe I can Trust this woman. I do believe she is willing to help fix my kids and my relationship as she says she will. What do you fellow brothers and sisters think?

Response by SFC Darrell Woods made Aug 5 at 2015 9:10 AM

2015-08-05T09:10:48-04:00

I would like to add I am 100 percent. I do have the ability to support a family.

Response by SGT Ben Keen made Aug 5 at 2015 9:13 AM

2015-08-05T09:13:52-04:00

SFC Darrell Woods - First off welcome to RallyPoint and more importantly thanks for sharing your thoughts with us. The only advise I can offer you is from what I went through with my own children.

When I left for my last tour in Iraq, my daughter was only 3 weeks old and my son was turning 2. I came home 18 months later and while my son sort of remembered me, my daughter had no clue who I was. It took me several months for her to learn who I was and whatnot. Then I found myself pushing her and my son away when I started reporting to Captain Morgan every day to mask the internal demons I was avoiding. After my marriage tanked and I found myself sleeping on the floor of a small apartment, I realized I messed things up with kids. Thankfully, I righted the ship (to steal a term from the Navy) and now I have been rebuilding the relationship with my kids and things are going pretty well. They still test me from time to time but it took some inward thinking and reflection to see what I was doing.

So my advice to you is while its great you are seeking help and yes sometimes a fresh set of eyes is a great and powerful thing, you must also look at yourself and see what you can do different. Sometimes making that change, while not simple, will pay off in droves.

My last bit of advice is this, if you ever feel yourself going into a dark place, please feel free to reach out to me or some one. You can email me at [login to see] and I'll give you my phone number or whatever you need. You aren't alone in the issues you face and while I may not be the right person to answer all your questions, I can listen and work with you to help find a path to try.

Response by CPT Private RallyPoint Member made Aug 5 at 2015 9:16 AM

2015-08-05T09:16:11-04:00

As you know, SFC Darrell Woods, decisions made with the heart are not always the best. However, When it comes to Love, the heart is in control. If adding to statistics is even on your mind, talk to a Pro at the VA, to get a different perspective. Love messes with the mind. VA can also help you develop a plan of action for dealing with your daughters. Blessings and Good Luck!

Response by CAPT Kevin B. made Aug 5 at 2015 10:09 AM

2015-08-05T10:09:43-04:00

You have a mixed bag of things going on. Foremost, don't go at it alone. Get into counseling quick and get busy sorting things out. You'll find that you can only change yourself. Others (kids) have their own world and if they don't want to be close, insisting on it only drives them further away. Think about the long game that you want to win, not the short term thing. Your counselor will work with setting up a strategy. Same goes with your lady. If you're both serious about each other, you both have baggage that has to be sorted. The dragons need to be caged so you have clear air to build a good relationship on. I've always had a strong marriage but had several phases of counseling related to family and then military to sort out. That's how you build strength in a relationship. Work on it.

Response by 1SG Private RallyPoint Member made Aug 5 at 2015 11:36 AM

2015-08-05T11:36:45-04:00

SFC Darrell Woods, As someone who Understands...
Being alone sucks. You have met someone nice, someone who has been offering the attention and interest you crave. Perhaps her kids subconsciously offer an opportunity to atone for the time you lost with your girls. It sounds wonderful.
But...
Be prepared to really have a new life. Your daughters that you are estranged from will almost certainly NOT take it well that stepmom gal is close to their age. It is impossible for me to gauge personalities, but they may take it personally when they see you doing dad stuff with her kids. Be prepared for drama, or worse more distancing.
You have a lot of regrets. Let's think this one through for a minute together. I will mix in a bit of my own situation, for perspective.
My children are younger (9, 8, and 3), but I too was absent frequently early in their lives, most recently last year. My wife of 16 years is leaving, moving out in the next 30-60 days. I have observed that my kids crave attention. Any validation from daddy that I am interested in what they are doing or I am proud of them is huge. As my wife removes herself, I see them trying to hold onto me. I encourage their mother to do things with them, but she wants out and is focused on her new life. I think this will have real consequences for her and them. So what I have done is pick up all the slack. I resigned from my job in order to spend more time with them during this summer of change. We are doing lots of fun things together; I missed this. It has been good for all of us, and it has helped me get used to the idea I will be a single dad. I will not tune them out, as happened to me when I was their age and my dad left.
My point to you is that the broken relationships with your daughters is a big stressor for you. Don't "try" to fix it. Allow them back into your life by taking an interest in theirs. Don't make any of it about you until the time is right and they open up. You seem to need this. Make it a priority.

Your lady friend is more complex. You are very far apart in age, and as such will be fundamentally different in thought process. This will be hard. You do not mention how long you have been divorced nor how many children she has.
What I think is that she is looking for a provider and a father figure for her children. This drive overrides other concerns that she would normally have seeing an older man, but I guarantee her family is talking about that to her. For her, she has specific things she wants/needs, and you represent the stability she craves. This can work for her, for now. What happens when you are 50? 60? You absolutely MUST have that conversation with her.
I might be reading into your post, but what I see you needing and wanting is redemption and a shot at companionship. She can offer this, for now. To be blunt, the key question I think you need to ask yourself is: Do you think that this is real and stands on its own, or does she represent a surrogate for the family you lost years ago. I would bet all the tea in China that where she is right now reminds you very much of when you were happy, and you want that again.
The relationship has to stand on its own or it will not stand. She can't be a crutch, or a follower, but rather an equal partner. This will be hard to accomplish, but possible.
I too am seeing a younger woman as things unravel. She is 29 (I am 41) and has one child. I have known her for many years, but now it is more than that. I read your story, and I perceive a lot of similarities in the likely motives of your and my girlfriends. The cautions I say to you are very much on my mind as well.

Lastly, you allude to the despair that could lead you to "be one of the 23 veterans a day".
For this, I have to counsel two things, other than what everyone will say about seeing a counselor:
1. Find your zen. You have your own interests and things you enjoy. Do them, alone or with others. Feeling better about yourself and your choices starts with you. Reach out to your daughters, without pressure. I am sure they miss you and want more, but are hurt by what happened. Be cautious but not evasive when introducing the new woman to them. They no doubt want you to be happy, but will resent the age gap. Go slow.
2. Examine carefully what you really want in a partner. Is the new woman that? Where are your strengths and weaknesses? What will you do if it doesn't work out, or if it does? She might be fantastic for you - I think that my friend is surprisingly good for me - but she has interests that likely diverge from yours. Are you ok with her going out with her (presumably her age) friends? What if you are not invited?

I see myself in much of what you say. If you want to speak more frankly, I'd be happy to IM through the RP site.
Good luck, Darrell. I mean it.

Response by 1SG Private RallyPoint Member made Aug 5 at 2015 11:55 AM

2015-08-05T11:55:21-04:00

Welcome to Rally Point Darrell! You said it in the beginning of your post, "your children are adults". Brother I am not going to set here and type what I feel you should hear, just wouldn't be right. I would have to say, get some positive and happiness in your life. If you feel that this lady is "it", go get what's yours. Your children are grown and have their own opinions, may not be positive but again they are grown and it is their right. Sounds like you do have your son, just keep trying to work on those relationships with your daughters. When the positive changes come and you are feeling new again, I feel it will show your daughters who you was compared to who you become. Negative will always create barriers, you just have to keep on trying. I have a 21 year old daughter that really has nothing to do with me, she blames deployments on how her life has turned out. I still call her and endure her negativity, but I love her and care for her future. I am not an enabler, but I still give her positive words of encouragement. Someday she will wise up and figure it out! I do put a lot into my children that I do have a relationship with. I just make sure I include my daughter that seems to have issues in everything we do. If she comes she comes, if she don't she is grown and makes her own decisions. I just make sure I do the best I can with what the Good Lord has given me!

Response by LT Private RallyPoint Member made Aug 5 at 2015 12:03 PM

2015-08-05T12:03:43-04:00

I am the father in a blended family and I think it's important for you to go into any new relationship with the understanding that it shouldn't be her responsibility to fix the relationships you have with your children. Despite her maturity she doesn't seem much older than your adult children and they aren't going to take her as seriously as their mother. In addition I can recommend a book called the smart step family, my wife and I participated in the course that coorisponds and it helped our family tremendously.

More importantly I recommend that you seek some counseling for yourself. If you are alone and depressed you can't start a relationship before you are healthy enough to do so. I would recommend somewhere you trust, free services at fleet and family or local a local church are my recommendation. I would love to help in any way. Even if it's just to be a friend in any capacity.

Response by LTC Stephen F. made Aug 5 at 2015 12:09 PM

2015-08-05T12:09:07-04:00

SFC Darrell Woods, thanks you for sharing a difficult situation.
My faith is in Christ and He has been with me through many difficult situations. I have four sons, when the youngest was 4 and I was going through a heart catheterization I was served with a no contact order for my wife and children. Th next year my wife divorced me and remarried twice after that - I supported my sons throughout the process. They are all adults now and we have good relationships where they will share things with me they won't share with others because I listen and don't jump on the things they say.
I learned several things before, during and after my time alone. First do your best to do and say what is right with a good attitude. Ask forgiveness when you screw up as we all do and drive on. Don't give up on reaching out to your daughters. There is a Biblical saying they that endure to the end the same shall be saved. Be persistent in loving your daughters and be there for them when they ask for help - could be just advice but most of what they want is a father who cares about them.
If your son communicates with them he can help you understand what is going on in their lives. Be prepared to be emotionally punched, kicked and stomped on my your daughters as they vent on you. They and you both need to grieve the loss of father-daughter relationship.
Your girlfriend may well have the best intentions going into your intended marriage. Don't put more on her than you should. Expect your relationship with your daughters to bump up against some issues with this young woman. The day-to-day impact of life wears us down at times and makes us more irritable at times. Remember to see the big picture in hard times and do your best to be a good father and husband and ask forgiveness when you let them or yourself down. SSG James J. Palmer IV aka "JP4", CH (MAJ) William Beaver, SGT Private RallyPoint Member, SPC Private RallyPoint Member, SGT Forrest Stewart

Response by MSgt Curtis Ellis made Aug 5 at 2015 1:20 PM

2015-08-05T13:20:03-04:00

First, Welcome! Reading this, I kinda know how you feel, as I'm still waiting for my next ex... (feeble attempt at humor) But to the point, and let me first say this is only my opinion from what I read above and is only a suggestion... That being said, I think you should ask yourself, "In a year's time, what has she really done for me?" and "In 3 years time, what have I really done for myself?" I say this because of a few things you mentioned: 1.) "I have been trying to repair the relationship between my daughters and myself for 3 years", 2.) "I am real tired of being alone 24-7", 3.) "I can't Trust that a woman with kids of her own not to use this situation to manipulate me. Yes I am aware that this young lady will be looking out for the welfare of her kids", and 4.) "I do believe she is willing to help fix my kids and my relationship *as she says she will*."
So... Looking at these things, further define your questions...
1. What has she really done in the 1 year you've been together to assist you with repairing the relationship you been working on for 3 years with your daughters?
2. If you can't trust her not to use this situation to manipulate you, and/or, you suspect it, then why are you really with her? Is the 24/7 loneliness the driving force this decision?
3. I'm a little concerned when I take this statement " I do not speak that often and when I do it has purpose." and associate it with "I am afraid if I do not change my life I may soon join those 23 veterans a day." mixed with the obvious unhappiness and confusion I read here.
4. So... On a personal note, SFC, I did not see the words "Love", "Care", "Trust", and a few others, in a positive way as it pertains to how you feel for her OR how you feel about yourself, for instance, you stated " I am afraid if I do not change my life I may soon join those 23 veterans a day." That is quite indicative/obvious of someone requesting help... Especially in a first time post in a group you don't know, and being with your girlfriend for 1 year, but still feeling that "needed change..." I'm no psychologist, but I do tend to read others quite well, even in written form, and personally, I think you need to seek additional assistance, and I can tell you, the assistance you need WILL NOT be found in a relationship, in fact, it may cause it to become toxic in time... I'm a strong believer (now) that you have to truly believe in yourself, truly love yourself, fully accept who/what you are, and completely trust yourself before you can do and express these things with, and be willingly give them to, another; and that includes the relationship with your daughters...
I know this is rather blunt, but given my past, I've learned that sometimes, it's what it takes, and in this case, I'd rather be wrong and post what I have here than to be right and not post anything at all.
SFC, please understand, I really don't know you, your girlfriend, kids, etc. My response is only based on what you presented here, and if I'm in left field AND on the wrong field, then my apologies, but I do stand by #3 & 4 above, if only from experience alone. I hope this helps in providing a positive first step for you, and may you and yours remain blessed by Him.

Response by CPT Jack Durish made Aug 5 at 2015 2:58 PM

2015-08-05T14:58:11-04:00

There are no guarantees. Even if I knew you and your children and your lady friend, I would still only be able to offer an opinion (and we know what those are worth, don't we?).

So, again, there are no guarantees. You place your bet and take your chance.

I did, twice. The first time was a disaster. We had two children. One now estranged from me forever and the other dead. Of the three grandchildren those two produced from that first marriage, one is communicating with me (albeit across the nation) and the other two are still too young to get past the barriers established by their father (the one who is estranged).

The second time was great. Again, two children. Both are successful and close, a loving family. Again, three grandchildren, all very close to my wife and I. In fact, they're here today and I can't wait to get back to them, but I had to take a moment to respond.

The first marriage lasted just four years (plus two to complete the divorce). The second is at 39 years and the romance is still burning bright.

Like I said, no guarantees. It's all a crap shoot. I can only hope and pray that your luck will mirror mine...

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Aug 5 at 2015 3:43 PM

2015-08-05T15:43:35-04:00

I'm a little confused about the specific question you are asking.

However, i have a situation similar to yours. My children are younger (6 and 4), but a few years ago I found my biological father. He has 5 children, me included, and I am the only one that did not know of his existence for about 25 years. Anywhos, we talk occasionally, however, I still do not really know him and he really doesn't know me. I am still a little hurt that he didn't try harder to find me or be in my life. With that being said, I say continue to try and get to know your daughters for who they are now. However, if they continue to be distant, I say let them know that you will always love them and be there for them and distant yourself from the situation. You can't make them want to be in your life and there is no reason being unhappy. As far as your new relationship, enjoy it and see where it goes but she can't fix your relationship with your children only you and them can do that.

Response by SPC(P) Jay Heenan made Aug 5 at 2015 6:16 PM

2015-08-05T18:16:17-04:00

Welcome brother and God Bless you! I guess my advise would be to tell you that no one can fix the relationship between you and your kids, except you and your kids. Have you asked your daughters if they would be willing to go to family counseling where you all will be able to be open and honest with your feelings in a controlled environment? Relationships can ONLY be fixed if all the parties involved are willing.
I am not sure what you are actually asking regarding the women in your post. I am glad you found someone, but don't expect her to be able to fix anything. If she presses your children, it will only worsen the relationship and could cause issues in your relationship. She shouldn't want to come into the relationship to fix anything. If you and her are interested in a relationship, then you should proceed and be happy. A second thought, if you are wondering if you should trust her, maybe you are not ready to move further in your relationship then where you are now. I can only speak for myself, but my first wife, we got married and I trust issues going in, didn't listen to my 'gut' and it cost me a lot of money and a lot of stress. My current marriage, I knew that she was the one and we have been married going on 14 years!
God Bless you brother and wishing you nothing but reconciliation with your children and a long and happy life...whether your alone or with someone. Don't think that you need someone to be happy and wind up settling for less. Just my two cents.

Response by SSgt Alex Robinson made Aug 5 at 2015 6:27 PM

2015-08-05T18:27:43-04:00

Darrell. .. Work on your family relationship first. Seek family counseling if necessary. Take it from someone who has been working on my relationship with my kids. It takes work and time. It will come with time. Don't replace your kids with another person. Being alone sucks but be careful you don't make the gap with your girls larger. Give it time. Baby steps. Have you spoken with their mother? Is she the root cause of relationship issues? You need to be happy brother and a good start is your kids. Feel free to message me any time. I've been there and would love to became to help you in any way I can.

Response by SSG Trevor S. made Aug 5 at 2015 7:46 PM

2015-08-05T19:46:16-04:00

1st and foremost you don't need to be in the 23/day. I'm a product of a widowed single mother and an eventual stepfather. There can be great results from people who understand each other and want to be together.

Response by LCDR Rabbah Rona Matlow made Aug 6 at 2015 1:28 AM

2015-08-06T01:28:27-04:00

This is a very difficult situation you're in. There are a number of dynamic components. You state that your daughters are victims of the war. That's a very broad statement, and to advise, I'd really need to know more about that.

Regarding dating women with children, commonly advice given to single parents these days is to focus on work and raising kids, and then look for new relationships after the kids are in college. It doesn't always work that way though. I can tell you, first hand, that being a step-father is a no win situation. Yes, there are some that get really lucky, find a wonderful woman with great kids, and her parents are great too, but that's not as common as one would hope. You'll never find a Brady Bunch situation.

I'm not one to advise on looking for love these days - I've been fortunate to be with the same woman a very long time.

As to suicide prevention, if you're afraid of harming yourself, go to the hospital, call 911, call the VA crisis hotline at [login to see] option 1.

You don't show your dates of service, but you're not that old, but you mention the wars in the ME. If you're a post 9/11 vet, contact the Soldier's Project - http://www.thesoldiersproject.org - we provide free counseling to post 9/11 vets, dealing with adjustment things, PTSD, etc. Many of us do online work, for vets who are not located with us, myself included.

If you need more help, please contact me off line...

Response by Maj Mike Sciales made Aug 6 at 2015 1:46 AM

2015-08-06T01:46:25-04:00

If your kids are adults you cannot force them into a relationship with you. You recognize the difficulties of sharing your life with this woman and her children. You are terribly lonely and need some human companionship. Is she making you happy? It's your life, not mine or anybody else's affair. If she gives you hope and a belief that you can succeed than go for it. You can have lonely anytime you want, but a companion that works? Take the shot. Good luck.

Response by MSgt Dwyane Watson made Aug 6 at 2015 11:51 AM

2015-08-06T11:51:11-04:00

SFC Woods,
I had a sort of similar situation, when I got orders to Korea my ex took our 2 daughters and everything we owned and split. Losing my girls hurt worst than the ex and stuff can be replaced. From Kunsan I went to RAF Lakenheath were I wallowed in self pity and spent all my time alone. I immersed myself in work and deployments, and started making friends at work, I was still living alone. After a year started conversing with my daughters, but you could tell things would never be the same. It was my fault, why did I do this alleged act, etc. I despised my lying ex but had to be civil to talk to the girls. After living alone in England for 3 years I finally met someone, I wasn't looking, it just happened. She was a 10 years younger than myself and tried to scare me off by saying she had a young daughter from a previous marriage, that didn't bother me. We started seeing each other and we haven't been apart now for 12 years. My step daughter is 18 and calls me daddy still and we have a wonderful 12 year old boy. When my daughters found out I was finally dating and it was a younger women they lost their minds, I was a terrible father. Well, when My wife and I were discussing marriage we got counseling from one of the base chaplains and he really made me see the light, if the people who said they loved me couldn't be happy for me then did they really love me at all? Was I supposed to be alone and miserable? Did my daughters want to be part of my life or not, they were old enough to know? With the help of God and a great chaplain I made my peace and have never been happier. Sometimes I miss my other kids, but the are adults and know where I live, their mother has poisoned them so much I don't want or need that negativity in our life.
So SFC Woods, make peace with yourself, only you can make you happy. Seek guidance from someone, it doesn't have to be a chaplain, but it is nice to have the Man on your side, kinda of gives you the inner peace that someone like myself needed. Take things slow, no need to rush, if she loves you she will understand and wait. Take care brother, you are not alone.

Response by SGT Brandon Cook made Aug 6 at 2015 11:52 AM

2015-08-06T11:52:07-04:00

Keep your head up. Follow your heart and find happiness and joy with your lady friend. Ask for forgiveness from your children. It will take time and patience to mend those broken relationships. All you can do is give it your all.

Response by PO1 Shahida Marmol made Aug 6 at 2015 1:55 PM

2015-08-06T13:55:34-04:00

I am sorry you are going through that. Your daughters are adults. I believe at this point the most you can do is always let them know you are there. Don't force it. Start off slowly, call once a month, or every couple of weeks to let them know you were thinking of them. Once they get used to that, call once a week. Let them know you care. That's all you can do. If this new woman makes you feel happy, go for it. But as a 27 year old woman, I may feel some type of way if my father was with someone my age. Maybe the girl doesn't have to meet or interact with your daughters until you rebuild that relationship with them.

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made Aug 6 at 2015 4:39 PM

2015-08-06T16:39:58-04:00

How old are your girls and her kids? Do her kids act well?

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Aug 6 at 2015 6:53 PM

2015-08-06T18:53:56-04:00

First off thanks for sharing I know that was difficult. My advice in the situation is to not continue the relationship with this young woman. Because of how it may affect the relationship with your children. Since you said all your children are adults I assume they are probably in there 20's and close to the age of your new lady. Secondly with her having young children your daughters might see it as a portrayal because due to obligations you weren't able to be there for them. But now you are taking care of someone else's kids. I personally went through the same thing with my father and till this day we don't speak. I hope Allah works this out in your favor.

Response by CPT Private RallyPoint Member made Aug 6 at 2015 7:48 PM

2015-08-06T19:48:17-04:00

This is going to sound harsh, I don't know of a softer easier way to put it, I wish I could sugar coat it for you because I'm sure this isn't what you want to hear.

No one male or female can help anyone repair their relationship with their children. It has to internally come from yourself. Damage done to your relationship with your own children cannot and will not be undone by anything in your new relationship. Your relationship with her and her children will likely lead to your children distancing themselves from you more. If you want to build a relationship with your children then you have to become involved in their lives beyond telling them you are proud of them for this or that accomplishment. Words are never heard louder than actions! You have to spend time with your children doing or taking part in actives that interest them. Next don't make the mistake of saying I'm not going to this or that with my child because I'm not interested in this or that activity. It's not about you it's about your children and their interests and activities. Get involved before it is too late with your children. There is no time like the present time to get started on this.

Her children will always be hers and if the two of you separate they will go with her and you will not have any paternal right to see or visit them, unless you go the route of officially adopting them. Her children are not a replacement for the time you missed with yours and even though you may think that this will help to heal or fill something that you missed I doubt you can fix that void.

Being alone is hard we as human beings crave companionship, but I think life without being involved your children and future grandchildren lives would be unbearable.

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Aug 6 at 2015 7:56 PM

2015-08-06T19:56:56-04:00

What I suggest is to take it slow... Though you are alone in a sense, but you are also in a relationship with this woman. If she has children, one they are not yours yet, especially if they have a father that frequents them, so they should have that relationship, if they do not, let them open themselves up to you first, but also be yourself so they know they can trust you. Though the relationship between you and your daughters are not going well, do not give up on it. You have to let it out on what you know is inside you that they may understand and adjust also to you. If not, they might just keep pushing themselves away. It is harder for fathers to be closer to their daughters than sons.

Do not jump into this with the situation with your girls quickly, and let them get to know each other, so you don't strain the relationship you are trying to work on with them any further... It is difficult, but it can work out with time and communication. You do not have to appease them all the time, you just have to open up for them to understand.

Response by SN Earl Robinson made Aug 6 at 2015 11:37 PM

2015-08-06T23:37:05-04:00

SFC Darrell Woods you have a very difficult line to walk. I am not going to speak to you on the subject of the new person in your life because that is immaterial to your daughters emotions and feelings. Having that new person in your life is something you need for you but the focus of your question is your daughters, you mention that new woman as context. And I tell you to keep in mind that the new woman in your life is there for today and you believe for tomorrow. Your daughters will be yours all the rest of your days and even when you pass away you will be theres.

On one hand you have to make sure that your Daughters understand that the addition of this new woman and her children will not detract from your love for them. Daughters as a rule tend to want to be the apple of their fathers eye. So much so that they compete with each other over who is your favorite. So now they will worry about not only will they have to compete with your other children by their mother but now they also have to compete with a total strangers children. To repair your relationship with your children's going to take a lot of patience on your part. Girls being girls will use every tool in the box from tears to manipulation to asking for things/money to be a gauge for your attention and affection. I speak to you from a position of experience in this issue having gone through this in real life. And sometimes you are going to have to weather this series occurrences in your daughters lives and as life always happens she will come to a point in life where she really needs you and you will have to come through for her even when she doesn't expect you to. You will have to ALWAYS express your love for them every time you talk to them even when they don't say it back and even say non complementary things to you for not being with their mother. But above all. LISTEN! Call them and let them talk to you as much as they want. Let them know that they (each individually) are extremely important to you. When their mother acts up or plays games to manipulate or hurt you (and she will) you cannot say how you feel about your ex because she is the person putting them to bed at night.

Remember that you were the first man in their lives, and will be the man that every other man is measured by so you have to set a very high standard. LOVE your daughters! Show it openly and proudly. Show your daughters off. Take great pride and praise their accomplishments to all your relatives. Become their friend. Keep their secrets not only from their mother but from the other siblings. Have a personal and individual relationship with each of them. Encourage them to dream and to pursuit their dreams. Thats how you keep your relationship with your daughters. Good Luck (you're going to need it)

Response by SFC Dr. Joseph Finck, BS, MA, DSS made Aug 7 at 2015 8:29 AM

2015-08-07T08:29:21-04:00

SFC Darrell Woods Welcome brother. If you believe in you, her, and your relationship; you have to first and foremost consider your happiness. I understand, my wife is much younger than I and the acceptance is challenging with grown children.

That said, your relationship with either your children or your significant other is not predicated on their relationship with each other. They are all adults and have the right to have or not have a relationship. The most important thing to all of them is you.

Be well and know your brothers and sisters on RP are here to support you in all of your endeavors.

Response by MSG Brad Sand made Aug 7 at 2015 9:20 AM

2015-08-07T09:20:24-04:00

Wow, a lot in this question.

First, and foremost, from your comment about 23, you need to get professional advice and talk some of these issues through with someone with the training to really help. You cannot make your daughters have a relationship with you or anyone else. You are there father, and it is only hurting themselves by not having you in their lives. I would tell you to not push, but let them know that A) You love them and B) That you are there for them when they are ready and C) You are sorry for your part of the distance between the two of you.
A 26 year old woman...well it does not work with the 2 + 7 rule, but you need to trust your own feeling and read the part about talking with a professional above. It is noble that you are willing to help her and her children. Even if she is willing to help, that does not mean she can help. Your girls need fix their own problems.

Response by CPT Pedro Meza made Aug 7 at 2015 2:13 PM

2015-08-07T14:13:37-04:00

SFC Darrell Woods, I say go for it, life is too short not to enjoy it. Stop worrying about your adult kids and make the best of what life is offering. Also send me private messages, I have been in you shoes.

Response by SGT Michael Glenn made Aug 7 at 2015 2:25 PM

2015-08-07T14:25:21-04:00

Thanks for reaching out to the community. It sounds like your kids are very young and dont quite see the BIG picture of life . Growing up I had no father, have 3 siblings and somewhere around 12 or 13 my mom married a guy that was only 10 years older than I was. It was rough for everyone as none of us wanted to accept this guy and we made things difficult. As the years went by and I grew older and more mature (some may disagree with the mature part) I saw myself being put into the same situations that he was put into when I took on a family of 5 kids overnight. I recently sat down with my step father of over 30 years and told him I now understood why he did some of the things he did back then. What I am trying to convey here is, you as a person should not be denied your happiness and as the kids grow and actually have this young woman in their lives things should start to change in a positive way for all.I wish you the best of luck my brother.

Response by SFC Mark Merino made Aug 7 at 2015 2:29 PM

2015-08-07T14:29:38-04:00

SFC Darrell Woods you are never alone. You have 750,000 a click away right here, but more importantly, God is with all of us 24/7. A common mistake us lonely people make is to think that someone else will 'fix' our life where we should be looking for someone to compliment our life.

That is not fair for the person we choose. Those are shoes that are often to big to fill. I went thru the stereotypical bitter divorce and took 3 years off just to get to know myself and discover why my relationships failed. I was going to get sucked right back into the same old bad behaviors until I changed myself. I spent that time in prayer and learned it was much better to be alone than to get involved with someone that God had meant for me to be with.

Too many times, we 'settle' for someone and think we can change that person over time or that the obvious problems in the relationship will go away after we have been together awhile. If you have found someone to compliment your stable happy life, than I say congratulations. But if you bring someone into a life of turmoil, you can expect more turmoil. Just a few points to consider, my brother. I wish you and your family nothing but the best and for God's peace. You are never alone.

Response by MSG Floyd Williams made Aug 7 at 2015 3:39 PM

2015-08-07T15:39:19-04:00

SFC Darrell Woods.... Have you considered seeking counseling from a Pastor or Priest most churches do have a "Marriage Ministry", or even praying about it?

Response by 1LT William Westervelt made Aug 7 at 2015 6:51 PM

2015-08-07T18:51:44-04:00

There is a lot of really good advice on here, and mine may be repetitive, but don't marry someone because you love their kids or want a family. Marry someone because you love them and can't stand to bear the thought of growing old without them. I married someone once because my heart broke for her two children. We were married for eight years, had three children of our own, and then got divorced. She would later say she didn't love me, but loved my compassion (or something like that). I still love those kids and have a strong relationship with them, but my kids are growing up on the other coast.
I think, as many have stated, if you look inside and make yourself the kind of person you'd love to spend time with -- deal with the demons and any resentment or negativity that may push people away or keep people from getting close -- you will begin to attract people in to your life who will enhance it. Be the kind of dad you would want and eventually your daughters will come around.

Response by SPC Margaret Higgins made Aug 7 at 2015 9:28 PM

2015-08-07T21:28:20-04:00

SFC Darrell Woods: I have three thoughts: (1) This lady cannot 'fix' you or your daughters. 'Helping', is the word.
Don't beat yourself up; because there exists a gap between you and your daughters. It was and is not your fault.
(2) You have to be happy first; before you can ever even think about marrying someone else.
(3) Maybe you and your daughters could use some counseling. Separately,
and as a family. (You and your three daughters.)
I seriously suggest that you seek professional care. That does Not mean you are weak. No matter what anyone else says. Sergeant, we ALL need help.
With My Fervent Prayers. Good luck to you Darrell. -Margaret

Response by MAJ Matthew Arnold made Aug 7 at 2015 11:14 PM

2015-08-07T23:14:10-04:00

All I can say is blending a family is tough. Well, if they were all perfect angels it would be easy, but the kids, specially adults kids, are real people with real personalities, and they blend as they chose. My wife had 5, I had 4, except for the 4 youngest, they were all grown up when we married and have never had to blend, they live separate lives. I love all 9 kids. They are all great adults. I am proud of them all. But, they get along but they don't blend like 9 children of the same parents, so don't expect it.

Response by SSgt Alex Robinson made Aug 8 at 2015 9:56 AM

2015-08-08T09:56:19-04:00

Darrell how are you doing? If you need anything there are many of us here who would Love to help you if you need it

Response by SPC Margaret Higgins made Aug 8 at 2015 4:17 PM

2015-08-08T16:17:25-04:00

SFC Darrell Woods, in case you need this link, you are welcome to click on it: http://www.facebook.com/groupforsuicidalactivedutyandforsuicidalveterans
I am the Coach of that group.
And Darrell, I don't know if you need it or not.
And Darrell, if you don't get to the group right away; keep trying. The Link works.

Response by LCDR Private RallyPoint Member made Aug 8 at 2015 5:30 PM

2015-08-08T17:30:46-04:00

I think it's wonderful that you found someone that you care about. But don't place that burden of fixing your relationship with your daughters on your new spouse. Of course you don't necessarily need to isolate her from them, but you should take the primary responsibility of since they are your children. With blended families, children don't instantly bond to you because of the marriage; it takes time and willingness on both your parts to develop relationships with the other's children and develop ground rules on who will be the disciplinarian. Recommend some reading on blended families.

Success can be achieved if you are willing to do the work.

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Aug 8 at 2015 10:45 PM

2015-08-08T22:45:24-04:00

I am going to say this first off...I am 44, she and I together (my wife) have 7 kids. When we got married, I never saw my 2 daughters, my ex made it IMPOSSIBLE and eventually I lost contact with them. I did my best to help raise the 3 girls and 1 boy. They were older except the boy who was young enough that I could make a difference. Then we had our daughter together. She is now 16 and starting college. The older kids (hers) for the most part treat me like their father (respect-wise). We have grandchildren from them and they call me Papa. It was HARD, hard to raise them and it is GOING to be hard to help with he children.
I fear that you are starting this relationship with not trusting her. If you do not trust her in something like this....what else are you going to have distrust in boss? Either take that chance or don't. Once you squeeze that trigger, you can't take the bullet back. If you trust her like you say you do, then DO IT. This being said, do NOT RELY ON HER to help you with your depression. If you need help, GET HELP NOW!!!! She is simply a second set of ears. Someone that you can go back to base and talk to. The LAST THING that we need is to hear that the boss did something unnecessary to himself!!!
So your relationship with your little girls is not what it should be (yeah I understand they are not little girls, but mine aren't anymore either but it doesn't stop me from seeing them that way). FIX IT boss. Don't have her do it, YOU do it. ALL little girls want their daddies!!! So they were the victims of the war, so was my daughter, she then got all of my attention when I got home (sometimes unfairly to my wife). NOW is the time to act boss. The reason that it is, is because you SEE the problem so you can FIX IT. You are strong enough to ask us, people you don't know for advice. That means that you are bad ass enough to do something about it. I as well as the rest of us believe in you, now YOU have to do it.
Let's steal from Nike here - JUST DO IT!!!
Best of luck boss, let us know how it goes.