Marriage and the Military Career

2014-04-11T12:40:48-04:00

To start, I am getting married this fall.

What I would like to ask is how other service members have dealt with marriage and their career in the service. My wife to be is a Nurse and works for a respected local hospital, she is also the primary bread winner for the family at this point in time. My benefits and great loan rates are of course a benefit to our household and help us tremendously (and more once she is my dependent).

However, this also brings up the uglier issues of marriage. My unit recently received a notification of sourcing for next summer, and while not a guarantee of deployment this has made the wife to be upset as I would be leaving six months into our new marriage. Thankfully the mission is mostly in a support role and based in Kuwait, so danger is much less on our minds.

Please share your own marriage stories and how you have dealt with them. All advice is appreciated. Thanks!

Response by CW2 Jonathan Kantor made Apr 11 at 2014 12:49 PM

2014-04-11T12:49:32-04:00

Marriage can be difficult regardless of employment in or out of the military. I have been married for 15+ years and believe me, we have had our ups and downs. Deployments tend to be very hard on a marriage and can often lead to divorce. There can be a lot of animosity because of the old saying, "You knew what I did when we got married." Or something similar. Marriages can be sustained though, you just have to work on it... like any marriage, really.

Response by SFC James Baber made Apr 11 at 2014 12:51 PM

2014-04-11T12:51:27-04:00

It is different for each person and each couple, communication is the key as long as you can keep an open dialogue and be honest with each other. That is the best advice I could give.

Take care and keep strong.

Response by MSG Wade Huffman made Apr 11 at 2014 12:54 PM

2014-04-11T12:54:16-04:00

1LT Brooks, first of all, congratulations!

I married after AIT en route to my first duty station in Germany and I'm proud to say I'm still married to the same (very understanding) woman! Not sure if this is advise or not, but the best thing I can tell you is that a strong relationship will become much stronger during a military career. Conversely, any 'chinks' in the relationship armor will be magnified greatly by the challenges of a military career!

Best of luck to the both of you!!!!

Response by SFC Craig Dalen made Apr 11 at 2014 1:03 PM

2014-04-11T13:03:34-04:00

Sir I have been married for 16 years. I have been on 6 deployments. My wife has been there for me the entire time in the military. We had a rough patch around 2002-2004 because of the rapid deployments back and forth. As long as you communicate and be the best husband you can when home it will counter balance the time apart. Just make sure she understands everything up front about the lifestyle. Congratulations and best wishes .

Response by SGT Bryon Sergent made Apr 11 at 2014 1:07 PM

2014-04-11T13:07:32-04:00

Well Sir, I had my first marriage broke up after 9-11. The WITCH took 23000 dollars, sold my truck, got rid of the place we where renting, moved everthing I owned into storage. She didnt pay the storage bill for 6 moths that I was gone, and I was about 8000 in the red in my bank account! well got it all worked out. eventually. She pulled 6 mths and and 5 yrs probation.

Wife #2 is scared to death. This is her frist deployment. She is unsecure, insecure, and frightened. I have got everything lined out. all she has to do is write the checks. we owe utilities and rent that is it. We own our vehicles. She is afraid that I will forget about her, cheat on her, not call her, and leave her with no money. All I can do is comfort her and reassure her that I have set everthing in motion for her to be taken care of. And that I love her. We are planning an ALONE night with her and I and our daughter will be at her mothers. I can't stop her from feeling this way, I can't do anything more that I can think of the help her from feeling this way. All I know is to do what I'm doing and prove that I am a man of my word and take MY VOW seriously and will do my best to call, skype and write as much as I can. Hope you can take something from this. if there are any questions or insite that someone has please message me and we can go from there. Hope it helps Sir!

Response by 1SG Alan Bailey made Apr 11 at 2014 2:45 PM

2014-04-11T14:45:16-04:00

Sir, everyone has giving you good advice, and I agree with them, me and my wife got married right after I graduated AIT and we have been together 24 years. She has dealt with Drill Sergeant duty, OC duty at NTC, 3 deployments, more field training exercise s than I can count and she has raised to great sons. And during our last deployment built our retirement home. Communication is the key and having faith she will do the right thing.

Response by SSG Mark Ives made Apr 11 at 2014 2:45 PM

2014-04-11T14:45:39-04:00

After seeing so many failed marriages in the service, I didn't get married while in. There were many successful marriages, but they required a lot of work and it's definitely not a 50/50 proposition, more like 80% for the spouse. Deployments, long hours, TDY, etc. they have to be understanding.

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 11 at 2014 3:04 PM

2014-04-11T15:04:15-04:00

Sir,

In my experience marriage is what you make it regardless of your military status. Are there more challenges given a military marriage? Absolutely. My husband and I were married while in the middle of a deployment. We were in two separate locations and were not together when we were wed having chosen to have a double proxy marriage instead so that we could work on our MACP packets and ensure that our next duty station we would be together. This meant that we did not see each other until November of 2010, nearly 4 months after our wedding date. My husband came home for 15 days of R&R and then left again until January. Essentially, we lived apart for the first 5-6 months of our marriage with a time difference of 14 hours. We survived the distance, however, and were able to continue our marriage. There have been many stressful periods of time since then that have challenged our commitment to each other and have tested our faith, but that is to be expected in any marriage and, as I have previously stated, the military does offer its own unique set of challenges.

Quite frankly, your wife knew what the possibility was when she said her vows on your wedding day, as did you. There were no guarantees that you would not be separated. There were no guarantees that you would not see struggles and experience painful heartache due to missed family events and holidays. This is something that I wish more spouses would come to understand so that they aren't so broadsided by the information when it comes time to experience it.

I cannot offer you any other guidance than be patient, communicate, understand her side of the situation and be sure you clearly relay your side. Be honest, be loyal and be faithful to not only each other personally but to your commitment to one another. Challenge each other everyday so that you do not grow tired. Support each other so that you know you always have someone to fall on. Talk to each other so you always have a friend. Learn from one another so that no lesson goes unlearned. Finally, love each other so you always have another heart to rely on when yours is feeling a little weak.

Will that be enough to keep the anger, frustration, arguments, disagreements, hurt feelings and low-periods at bay? Not necessarily but at least it will give you something to start over with if the castle falters.

Best of luck to the both of you.

Response by Maj Chris Nelson made Apr 11 at 2014 3:26 PM

2014-04-11T15:26:16-04:00

<P>This one is difficult to answer as there are so many variables.  First, Congrats!  My wife and I got married in 1995.  We were not dating during Storm, but her dad was my Plt Sgt, so she understands military to some degree.... I have had 2 deployments over the years, and had 5 PCS's....not as many as some, but that is enuf for now!  She realized right away that while in the military, one of the "hardships" would be that she would have the non-career job....job hopper, no vesting, etc.  With your wife to be being a nurse, she should have few difficulties finding employment at many of the new assignments.  COMMUNICATION is key.  Without it, failure....with it.....no guarentee of success (because sometimes failure does happen)....but you stand a better chance of success.  Remember 50-50 relationship may sometimes be 90-10 split....and it takes work to make that up later.  Good luck!</P>
<P> </P>

Response by CMDCM Gene Treants made Apr 12 at 2014 8:26 PM

2014-04-12T20:26:25-04:00

1LT Brooks, congratulations.

My wife and I were married in 1976 when I had been in the Navy for 10 years. After our marriage we were transferred to Hawaii for our honeymoon as I went to Sea Duty for a three year tour on a Destroyer Squadron Staff. Lucky, there was only one 9 month deployment during this tour and a few shorter ones. My wife loved the travel and our tour in Hawaii, then the transfer to Great Lakes IL.

As a Dental Assistant it was never difficult for her to find work. and she enjoyed the different places we were stationed. (Many more)Deployments came and went, but communication and preparation for being gone were always a key to success.

Yes, as a few others have said, we have had our ups and downs, but working through it and knowing what we wanted were essential to our marriage. We have been married for 37 years and still going strong. So, do not be afraid of deployments, but work on tiday and plan for the future together.

Response by MAJ Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 12 at 2014 8:53 PM

2014-04-12T20:53:17-04:00

Having been married for 10 years in the military there is one thing I can tell you....be straight forward. I couldn't believe talking to the wives of some of my Soldiers that they had no idea about the military or what their spouse did in the unit. Before I married my wife I sat down her down and said, " I am not going to be there for B-days, anniversaries, and many days you are going to be a single parent. If you are not in for this then please end this now but I don't want to hear about it ten years from now because I am telling you in the beginning how it is going to be."

Where this may not work for everyone, and since you are in the reserves it should be a lot less out time, but this has worked for the last decade. Hope this helps and good luck.

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 17 at 2014 3:22 PM

2014-04-17T15:22:04-04:00

I have never been deployed Sir, but when I leave for training, communication is the best thing. Congrats as well.

Response by SFC Rich Carey made May 21 at 2014 3:54 PM

2014-05-21T15:54:57-04:00

Wow, that is a case by case basis.
Keep in contact, write letters to each other.
Let them know why you miss them.
Have the spouse get involved with an organization.
Pray.

Response by 1SG Steven Stankovich made May 21 at 2014 3:59 PM

2014-05-21T15:59:38-04:00

Effective communication was paramount for us. Trying to not only talk as much as possible, but to make those conversations worthwhile. Then during the "reunion phase," it was important to not try to re-insert myself right back into the picture. The family dynamics change while deployed. It was important to see that, understand that, and fit back into the picture over time. It all fell back on communication though.

Response by MSG Brad Sand made May 21 at 2014 4:14 PM

2014-05-21T16:14:42-04:00

I think finding the right woman is key...or right man?

Response by SFC Michael Hasbun made May 21 at 2014 4:16 PM

2014-05-21T16:16:04-04:00

Yeah, I have two oak leaves on my marriage ribbon, so clearly I'm not one to take advice from =) Fortunately I'm really hot so I don't stay on the market long...

Response by MSgt Private RallyPoint Member made May 21 at 2014 9:48 PM

2014-05-21T21:48:57-04:00

First off, congratulations sir! What I have found to be the most helpful is communication. I have been married to my wife for 5 years. We got married before I joined the Air Force, so she has been with me through basic, technical school, Airman Leadership School, 2 PCS's, and we are getting ready for my 2nd deployment. Keeping her in the loop on things going on in your life is one of the most essential pieces of advice that I can give anyone. Obviously there will be things that you can't tell her, but let her know that you can't talk about it. If you don't, after a while, she will start noticing things that you do when you are hiding something from her and she will get suspicious. She will be the best source for advice that you could ever ask for. She will know you better than anyone and so will know your moods, feelings, and thoughts on subjects while you are still debating them in your mind. Also, support her. Let her know that you are there for her while she is there for you. As long as you have open communication, it will make it easier for her transition into the military life and your life.

Response by LTJG Private RallyPoint Member made Sep 20 at 2014 10:05 PM

2014-09-20T22:05:32-04:00

My husband and I are both military and for the 2.5 years that we've been married, we've been stationed across the country from each other so I understand the separation issue. As many have said, communication is certainly important. However, I would argue that trust, and the discipline/self control to maintain and deserve that trust, is paramount. Being faithful to each other and knowing that is the case on the other end, along with communication will help you get through those long periods apart. Congratulations on the marriage and God bless.

Response by SSgt Raniero Ferrante made Dec 28 at 2014 10:15 PM

2014-12-28T22:15:56-05:00

My wife is prior service. We were once attached to the same unit. I guess being former military, she understood the hardships of deployment, but none the less marriage and a military career are rough, no doubt about it. It takes a strong commitment. We're still married after 32+ years so I count myself lucky.

Response by SSG Dwight Amey MSA, MSL, BS, AS made Feb 2 at 2015 12:46 PM

2015-02-02T12:46:27-05:00

CPT Zachary B, thanks for your service sir. In my experience, 25 years of marriage with 22 years of active duty and 4 years in Iraq. You and your wife will sacrifice either your careers or time together. This is a reality. If I could do my situation over I would have not been so bent on keeping us together at her cost to her career. Now 20 something years later she is very sour towards me because she gave up her career to follow me around.

I would establish some parameters between you and her spelled out on a CRM sheet. You can only assess how you feel now but should walk into this with expectations and true feelings all on the table.

Response by PO1 John Miller made Apr 3 at 2015 6:31 AM

2015-04-03T06:31:53-04:00

CAPT Zachary B, the only advice I can really offer you is don't let your wife become the dreaded "Dependa." I don't mean to imply that she's going to gain 100 lbs and sit around and be lazy either. I'm talking about those wives who think that their husband's ranks apply to them!