Mental Health Month: How I Healed and Grew After PTSD and Retirement

CSM Douglas Merritt — Mon, 22 May 2023 10:47:22 -0400

After I retired from the Army in 2020, I was dealing with a perfect storm of challenges - the life-changing shift of retirement combined with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and uncertainty about my next step. Although I knew I was mentally unwell, I continued to be my own biggest obstacle; I stopped working out regularly and turned to alcohol as a coping mechanism. The daily turmoil that I was experiencing, coupled with my designation as a 100% VA-disabled veteran, made me feel hopeless.

Thirty years in the military left me with an abrasive mentality, for myself and others. In my long career in the Army and the positions of leadership that came with it, it was common to think you walked on water with people praising you all the time. I was so accustomed to rapid decision making, quickly moving from one issue to the next. This worked great when fighting an adversary or dealing with critical decisions, but it was crippling in my civilian life and in my personal relationships.

After getting to a point where I knew something had to change, I found myself scouring the internet in the evenings, searching for a path to something meaningful. One evening, I came across Travis Manion Foundation (TMF) and the Spartan Leadership Program (SLP), a 7-month leadership and personal development program for veterans and families of the fallen. I immediately applied and crossed my fingers that I would be accepted. Thankfully, I was.

SLP was the first real step in reclaiming myself from PTSD and a pattern of unhealthy behaviors. Up until then, I was in a bad place and didn't feel I had the resources or ability to get out of the dark hole I was in. I lacked purpose and I was searching for something to fill that void.

That “something” was community. The peer support from other veterans and family members of the fallen helped lift me up from one of my lowest points. I listened to so many stories of loss, perseverance, dedication, and resilience that it helped me get out of my own way and learn that only my mind was telling me I was useless. Connecting with like-minded people, and learning from them, reminded me how much I still have to give to our nation and our communities, even after retirement.

The inner work and path that I started during the program truly helped me move forward. I had to dig in, get comfortable in examining the weak points in my character in order to improve them. Taking a deep, unbiased assessment of myself, I was able to step back and evaluate where I needed compassion for both myself and for others.

The community and peer support I found in TMF helped me understand the value of taking time to slow down, and the importance of journaling, meditating, and mindfulness. All of these have been critical in my journey of healing and improving my mental health. It also led to gratitude, an area of my life that I desperately wanted to improve. Being grateful for the smallest things, focusing on what I do have, instead of what has gone wrong, has helped to improve my quality of life.

“If Not Me, Then Who…” - the ethos of the TMF community - is written on a bracelet I wear as a daily reminder of what I can and should do for myself and for my community. I’ve learned that you have to focus on the individual in order to be able to give back to the team. I’ve participated in many groups, but until TMF, none made me learn the good, the bad and the ugly of myself first so I could grow toward being the best version of me to others. If you are looking for a path, a purpose, and a community, I encourage you to start here: https://rly.pt/INMTW

Find out how to apply for VA health care benefits as a Veteran or service member: https://rly.pt/VHAEnroll1

Travis Manion Foundation - "If Not Me, Then Who..."

Travis Manion Foundation (TMF) empowers veterans and the families of fallen heroes to develop character in future generations. In 2007, 1st Lt Travis Manion.

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made May 22 at 2023 1:59 PM

MAJ Ken Landgren — Mon, 22 May 2023 13:59:13 -0400

Glad u made it. I volunteer my time to help people with PTSD. The program I created is radically different in its approach and perspective. My first objective is safety. Then the next objective is changing how people think.

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made May 23 at 2023 12:01 AM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 23 May 2023 00:01:00 -0400

CSM Douglas Merritt thanks for sharing.

Response by CPO Richard Schramm made May 24 at 2023 8:28 PM

CPO Richard Schramm — Wed, 24 May 2023 20:28:37 -0400

Yeah, PTSD is a bitch. Mixed with depression it is toxic as hell. Ketamine infusions were a God send but the side affects were rough. Presently on antidepressants and THC gummies. A lot of health professionals are saying that the cannabis and PTSD are not a good mix. I am getting by one day at a time. My very patient wife and my dog somehow keep me grounded. Good to hear from all…

Response by LCpl Frank Rivera made May 25 at 2023 1:46 PM

LCpl Frank Rivera — Thu, 25 May 2023 13:46:54 -0400

I am sick I have service connected PTSD and has cost me my freedom my anger always gets the best of me it's hard to control always on guard and do not trust people I try to do self help hobbies like bike workout and I have a dog I don't wanna live with this shit it cripples me at times iam ok normal but as soon as i get angry it triggers me like iam ready to go to war it's scary at times I've gone to prison because I got violent what can I do to get better at controlling PTSD I need good advice thanks

Response by LTC Arthur Millard made May 27 at 2023 12:54 AM

LTC Arthur Millard — Sat, 27 May 2023 00:54:37 -0400

I can help a fellow veteran. [login to see]

Response by SGT Ruben Lozada made May 29 at 2023 2:07 PM

SGT Ruben Lozada — Mon, 29 May 2023 14:07:47 -0400

Good afternoon CSM Douglas Merritt. Excellent post. Thank You for sharing this.

Response by Ronald Jeff made May 31 at 2023 2:16 AM

Ronald Jeff — Wed, 31 May 2023 02:16:32 -0400

I suffered from PTSD after retiring from the military. I was unable to cope with the sudden lack of structure and support that I had grown accustomed to. I was overwhelmed and confused, and felt like I had no purpose in life. In order to heal, I had to learn to accept my new reality and find new ways to cope with my emotions. I started by seeking professional help from a therapist. Through therapy, I was able to identify and address the underlying causes of my PTSD. I also learned how to better manage my emotions and stress levels.

Response by SSG Eric Blue made Aug 10 at 2023 1:09 AM

SSG Eric Blue — Thu, 10 Aug 2023 01:09:39 -0400

Thanks for sharing, CSM. I don't see it helping my specific situation, but thanks just the same.

Response by COL Private RallyPoint Member made Aug 19 at 2023 11:50 AM

COL Private RallyPoint Member — Sat, 19 Aug 2023 11:50:04 -0400

CSM, well said and so true!