Military parents, how do you think the "military lifestyle" has affected your children?

CPT Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 27 Sep 2017 12:33:01 -0400

After a few years of marriage the wife and I are planning on adding kids to the mix. Part of me doesn't think I'm ready but I'm already getting a late start and it feels like now or never. With my enlisted time factored in I'll probably put in another 9 or 10 years before I retire. That probably means a few more PCSs and a deployment or two. That doesn't bother me but I imagine a lot of moving could be rough on kids. I also think some sacrifices now are necessary for my family's long term well being. I know military kids can be pretty resilient but did you find that your service had a negative or positive effect on your kids? I imagine it's a bit of both.

Response by 1SG(P) Private RallyPoint Member made Sep 27 at 2017 12:47 PM

1SG(P) Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 27 Sep 2017 12:47:56 -0400

We all know that the military requires sacrifice and sometimes we sacrifice to much with out little ones because they dont have a voice in what we say or do. My son, I think has had it hard because he cant get establish in a school like a normal kid. The moment he gets comfortable with a system that is in place, then he has to either leave for a year due to deployment or a PCS. So I jus sometime wish I could put a little more into being a DAD fulltime.

Response by SSG Carlos Madden made Sep 27 at 2017 1:04 PM

SSG Carlos Madden — Wed, 27 Sep 2017 13:04:31 -0400

I don't have kids but SSG James J. Palmer IV aka "JP4" and CPT Private RallyPoint Member probably have some good insights.

Response by SFC Stephen King made Sep 27 at 2017 1:20 PM

SFC Stephen King — Wed, 27 Sep 2017 13:20:31 -0400

I as a Military Dependent, a Retired Veteran of +20 yrs and now a parent of a Soldier do think it was nothing but positive in our lives.

Response by SGT Jim Arnold made Sep 27 at 2017 1:24 PM

SGT Jim Arnold — Wed, 27 Sep 2017 13:24:26 -0400

I had 3 while I was in. They make life interesting especially for a 3 year old who was curious about switches. Dad(me) got distracted by something and all the power to amplifiers got suddenly cut off.

Response by SGM Erik Marquez made Sep 27 at 2017 1:29 PM

SGM Erik Marquez — Wed, 27 Sep 2017 13:29:05 -0400

GREAT question, and answered the same way a question of "Military couples, how do you think the "military lifestyle" has affected your marriage?
And the answer is,,It depends some good, some bad, some great, sometimes its drama of your own making.
My wife and I have been married 25 years, both were in when we met.
She got out just before our second child, I stayed in another 23 years.
Our kids learned to be self sufficient, they learned to make the best of what was, not pine for what is not.
They learned to be outgoing, make friends, and learned that the loss of a friend is not the end of the world.
They learned life was not fair...That the guy they looked up to, that was always strong, sure, confident could fail and get past it. That life could take something in an instant and it is not fair, but it is real.

Or oldest stayed in Oregon when we PCS'ed to Texas in 2005, having just graduating HS, and having the confidence and readiness to be on his own, He stayed there with his then 17 year old girlfriend. They are still together... thats a longer relationship then most married "adult" couples I know. They are successful, happy, healthy and still enjoy life. Id say military life style did not hurt them at all.

Our younger son (23) is now a father, he lives close by in Dallas...He and his GF at the time came to us little more then a year ago now when they found out a baby was on the way.. They told us, we are in this together... We are not getting married as it was not a plan before, so doing so "just because" would be dumb.. But married or not, our son will have both a mom and dad for ever..and we hope grand parents as well. They split up last month, their son, our grandson, likely does not know any difference as they live just a few miles apart deciding any more would negatively effect their son.

Our son got that sense of duty, honor, never quit, from my wife and I and his brother for sure,,, but I think the "Military lifestyle" had a part in it as well.

Response by MSgt Marshall Schiller made Sep 27 at 2017 1:52 PM

MSgt Marshall Schiller — Wed, 27 Sep 2017 13:52:51 -0400

What is a late start? My lady and I married at the age of 19, and our first child came along at our age of 35. Next (and last) one came along at our age of 38.

Our young children loved moving, meeting new friends, and seeing new places. Young children see most PCS moves and school changes as an adventure. Yeah, deployments are a bump in the road, but if your Missus is a strong person, and used to doing for herself, it's no problem. I retired before the children started forming school and friend cliques, or romantic attractions. Thank goodness!

The hardest decision we had to make before we started to work on becoming parents was how the children were going to be raised... either by a SAH Mom, or by the various babysitters, day care, etc. Knowing whether you're willing to give up an extra paycheck and do without "stuff" to raise your (collectively) children is a big decision.

I guess that the proof is in the pudding. Our Daughter married a Marine, and our Son became a Marine. They have given us four Grands between them, and they seem very happy with their lives.

Response by Norah Julmis made Sep 27 at 2017 1:59 PM

Norah Julmis — Wed, 27 Sep 2017 13:59:05 -0400

We have a 9 month old and my husband is gone for a few weeks of training. Our son knows enough to know that daddy is not home, and says dadadadadada all day long. He's also been extra fussy. I think it's different for kids of different ages, because my son doesn't understand why his father is gone, or where he is or when he's coming home. Older kids will obviously have more understanding.

It's tough though, being gone. However, there are lot of opportunities for positive experiences with being a military family. Although the traveling and moving is typically a career killer for spouses, I think it's good for the kids, to get them to experience more of life and different people and places than you normally would. That being said, I also plan on homeschooling so there won't be as much disruption in education. But I think overall, being a military family allows for good growth for your kids, and they won't be as "sheltered" as others who live in the same town their whole life.

The only other thing I would add is if you can-plan your family (which it sounds like you are). A lot of people don't and aren't ready (not saying you aren't) and it affects the marriage and finances, etc. (This is more for the influx of 20 year olds with 3 kids already.) We made sure our marriage was on solid ground, and we had the income to support our child without government assistance. I love being a parent and kids are great, but it also adds to the overall stress of the family.

Response by PO3 Jacob Jenkins made Sep 27 at 2017 2:02 PM

PO3 Jacob Jenkins — Wed, 27 Sep 2017 14:02:41 -0400

CPT Private RallyPoint Member With all things considered, there is nothing more rewarding than being a father! Nothing will add up to more and you will never find anything that will fulfill you the way being a father does. Also, when you come home to your son or daughter running up to you to give you a hug and say I love you there is no bad day that will keep you from feeling like the luckiest guy in the world. You will NEVER be ready, there is never going to be a RIGHT time. That is something that any parent can attest to. Every kid is different and presents its own obstacles but being a dad is the best job in the world!!

Response by SFC William "Bill" Moore made Sep 27 at 2017 2:07 PM

SFC William "Bill" Moore — Wed, 27 Sep 2017 14:07:23 -0400

For the first 9 years of my Son's life, he was raised in the military. I will admit, that I was stationed with some outstanding units at the time. I was also deployed, or stationed in Korea, or in the field quite a bit, not to mention the year I spent in EOD school. But, I know for a fact, my Son loved the experience. He spent a lot of time hanging around the folks in the unit, mostly MP's and EOD Techs. One unit I was with (EOD), tended to have slow days between running VIP support, where we would show up for PT, then take the rest of the day, trying to find something to get into if all of our office duties were caught up. Numerous times I would be cleaning up from PT and the Commander would ask If I had anything planned for the day, if I didn't, he would tell me to get my Son and bring him back to the unit. The boy grew up surrounded by EOD nutcases, inert munitions and EOD tools. At 8, he could tell you how to set up a Rocket Wrench, a Mechanical Impact Wrench, a .50 De-armor and operate a training m-18 Claymore. There used to be some outstanding units, I can't speak for them today, but I would imagine there are still some out there.

Response by CPT Private RallyPoint Member made Sep 27 at 2017 2:33 PM

CPT Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 27 Sep 2017 14:33:58 -0400

I am not going to sugar coat this but it is rough to be honest. It also wildly varies between types of soldiers. As an Infantry Officer I am often gone doing something. My wife's parents were both in the Marines but in his twenty years he wasn't away much due to being an Admin MOS. Fast forward to the past 15 years we are now a deploying Army. My daughter was 3 months old when I went to Iraq my second time. I would make this a very planned move. It is not that you can't have a family in the military but you have to be rational with the expectation. Like when I PCSed to Fort Benning and within a couple weeks being there I had to go TDY to Florida for a couple weeks. I would seek out some support first and establish some contingencies if you are away. Or ran her by some scenarios. It puts a lot of stress on your spouse. In the military we just drive on but our families may not be able handle it same and will need help. Sometimes you will not be there. That is where issues come from. For my daughter. I don't think it has really been that rough. She is 9 now. She has PCSed with me but she didn't really like leaving one spot and going to another. But they need support also. Getting them involved with the community so they can feel like they belong and fit in is the best way to do this.

Response by Lt Col Scott Shuttleworth made Sep 27 at 2017 3:28 PM

Lt Col Scott Shuttleworth — Wed, 27 Sep 2017 15:28:14 -0400

My wife and I were married for 7 years and I had been in for total of 5 prior to that before we had our child. She was 12 when we retired. I think it made her the person she is today. She has a wealth of experience that other kids don't have like growing up in a small town your whole life without ever going anywhere except the beach on vacation. She knows how to make lasting friends and she understands core values. She can also stand on her own two feet. I believe most military kids are more well rounded than your average kid and are extremely resilient. However, it also means that a military parent takes care and teaches them as well. My wife did that. when she was born my wife stayed at home until she went to school, then she got a job a that school until we PCS'd then stayed at home with her until we retired. Then she got a job. Overall, I think the military experience is good for kids.

Response by SGT David A. 'Cowboy' Groth made Sep 27 at 2017 3:46 PM

SGT David A. 'Cowboy' Groth — Wed, 27 Sep 2017 15:46:43 -0400

It actually put my son ahead of some of his fellow students, FM's and TM's helped out in some of his classes.

Response by Col Phil Yasuhara made Sep 27 at 2017 3:57 PM

Col Phil Yasuhara — Wed, 27 Sep 2017 15:57:34 -0400

I had two kids while on active duty. Their military experience taught them to

1) make the best of where ever they were (we told them that people paid money to travel to our various assignments so they needed to discover what those people liked),
2) be outgoing and make friends easily,
3) befriend loners who had problems making friends easily,
4) look beyond their current horizons and have a large world-view
5) shut up and stand up for the national anthem before movies at the base theater(!).
6) take on responsibilities that they otherwise might not have when dad was deployed

A couple of stories to illustrate:

We were at Universal Studios, So Cal, and came upon a "European street" complete with cobblestones, little pubs, bakeries, restaurants, etc. After our tour in Germany, our kids couldn't understand why such a run-of-the-mill street scene merited being there. We had to explain that, unlike them, that's as close as some people would get to Europe.

We moved both of our kids between their junior and senior years in high school. DEVASTATING, at the time, so we sent both of them back to our previous assignments (Cali and Japan) as part of their graduation present. Great life lesson re: not being able to go back in time. People had moved on, friends had other friends, etc. Both wished they had taken the money instead of the trips.

In the end, it's up to you. If you're positive, resilient, adventurous, etc., then military life for a kid can be fun and very educational. If you're stuck on base, it could become very boring, regimented and monochromatic.

Response by PO1 Brian Austin made Sep 27 at 2017 4:03 PM

PO1 Brian Austin — Wed, 27 Sep 2017 16:03:28 -0400

Overall positive. They experienced other cultures, became multi-lingual. It made them adaptable, resilient and more independent. My two oldest still talk about when they lived in Japan.
Their mom did a fantastic job playing both roles during my absences.

Response by CSM Richard StCyr made Sep 27 at 2017 4:21 PM

CSM Richard StCyr — Wed, 27 Sep 2017 16:21:07 -0400

Produced a cop, an insurance salesman, a combat vet and a three time cancer surviving long haired patriotic heavy metal sales clerk. Pretty well balanced bunch of kids.

Response by Lt Col Jim Coe made Sep 27 at 2017 5:03 PM

Lt Col Jim Coe — Wed, 27 Sep 2017 17:03:25 -0400

My wife and I raised three "Air Force Brats." We had many challenges. Here are some thoughts for you.
-PCS: two of the tree kids liked the moving around and meeting new people in interesting places. The picture is of the three kids, circa 1980, in Alaska. Not too many kids from the Lower 48 get to live in Alaska. We had the unfortunate circumstance of getting our move cycle stuck at the end of the calendar year. This was difficult for the kids when they were in Middle School and High School. If you can keep you move cycle in the summer, it will work out better for the kids. If possible, avoid moving during the four years of High School--not easy with multiple kids. Make every move an adventure. Look forward to the move yourself and your kids will catch the enthusiasm. When you get to the new place, go see and do the local fun stuff as much as you can in the first 3 months. This will give the kids a positive experience plus give them something cool to talk about with their new friends.
-Schools: The quality of public education varies widely among locations. We lived where the schools were terrible, Mississippi, and where they were great, Alaska. You need to stay involved with your kid's schools. Meet the teachers and admin staff. Talk to the teachers more often than the required teacher's conference. Use all of the on-line tools the school provides to track homework, progress, grades, and after-school activities. Hint: If both parents work, the YMCA provides after-school activities at low cost in some areas. On base housing often ties your kids into one school system. It may or may not be the best in the area. Consider schools carefully when you buy or rent a home. If you are in a State where the schools suck, consider sending the kid(s) to private school or home schooling.
TDY: It's going to happen. The kids need to know it's a normal part of life for them. Make sure they know in advance that Dad will be gone and Mom will be in charge (isn't she always in charge anyway). Keep the sad good-byes to a minimum. Let the school know when a parent is TDY. Make homecoming a major celebration. Understand that it will take about a day for each week a parent is gone for them to integrate back into family life. If you're gone 12 weeks, expect it to take 10-15 days for you and the family to get resynced. To the extent you can, limit your TDYs. Don't volunteer for every TDY opportunity that comes up, but take you fair share.
Stability: Kids need love and stability in the military environment. They will go through a period of adjustment with each move, TDY, deployment, or other change in status. They may act out, be depressed, or act hyperactive or like real slugs. It depends on the kid. Love them through it. Have solid family principles and rules that apply at all times and in all locations. This helps provide stability. Help them carry favorite activities from one location to the next, such as sports or Scouting. Make sure their favorite things make it into "hold baggage" so they show up early in the move. Take one or two of their very most favorite things in the bags traveling with you. Having ones stuff when you don't have a place is a bigger deal than you might think.
Career Decisions: I made many career decisions in my 22 years. Every time I decided to take a course of action that was best for my family, even if I thought it might not be best for my career, it always worked out better than I had thought.

How did it turn out for the Coe Clan? Oldest daughter is a Nurse Practitioner (BSN, MSN) for the VA and a Navy Reserve Nurse and LCDR. She raised two good kids and her daughter gave us two great-grandchildren. Our Son bummed around a year or so after high school. Then he moved back to Alaska where he worked as a VW mechanic for a few years. Later he completed his bachelors in commercial art. Today he is Vice President and Creative Director of an advertising agency in Anchorage, AK. He has three beautiful girls, the oldest started college this fall. Our youngest daughter also delayed her post-secondary education a year or so working entry-level jobs. She completed her Associate Degree and worked in a variety of jobs for about 10 years. She completed her BS in Accounting and now works as a Business Analyst for a software company in St Louis. She has one son who is completing his AS this year in IT. They live near us. (Son and younger daughter are both dyslexic. Schools didn't recognize it until we got to Alaska.) On the down side, all three kids have all been married more than once giving us an interesting collection of spouses, ex-spouses, step-grandchildren, and ex-grandchildren. Not sure military life had much to do with that, but it's still a fact. Marilyn and I have been married 51 years, so we tried to provide a good example.

Response by Jennifer Lintz made Sep 27 at 2017 9:27 PM

Jennifer Lintz — Wed, 27 Sep 2017 21:27:07 -0400

I grew up an Army brat, I raised 3 Navy brats and am the parent of a navy pilot. I would not change my childhood for anything. You kids will handle the challenges as an adventure if you teach them that that is what this life is about. The opportunities to see so much that this nation and the world has to offer beats the drawbacks. I still have friends from junior high and high school, thanks to social media. My parents always valued our friendships and help us to stay in touch even before social media existed.
The compassion, the empathy and pride in our nation are real results f our fabulous lifestyle.

Response by WO1 Private RallyPoint Member made Sep 29 at 2017 3:01 AM

WO1 Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 29 Sep 2017 03:01:01 -0400

Speaking as a military brat, I'd agree that there is good and bad. I got to move around a lot, and I really think the intercultural perspective helped me in my youth and even today. That said, I often had trouble making friends (we we're leaving in a couple of years anyway, didn't see the point). That, coupled with my introverted nature made for some lonely years growing up.

This is constantly on my mind, as my wife and I want kids, but I'm not sure if want to put my own children through the same challenges I faced. Or, maybe those challenges made me a better person, I couldn't really say. I will say, I don't regret the fact that my father served. The one thing I do regret was that I grew apart from my extended family. Most of my aunts, uncles, and cousins are strangers to me.

Response by SSG Shannon Howe made Oct 3 at 2017 10:09 PM

SSG Shannon Howe — Tue, 03 Oct 2017 22:09:40 -0400

Single mom of an 11 yr old boy here, and just got 15 yrs AFS. For the first 5 + yrs I was paranoid at how the moving around and possibility of deployments would affect my son. So much so that I considered getting out and it added to my constant anxiety and depression. But in the last few years I've learned to stop fretting over what I cannot change. Since I'm on recruiting duty and my hours can be unpredictable, I decided to let him stay with his father who is a civilian now. Although it hurt me and I felt guilty at first, again, I chose to look at the positives and stop worrying about what I couldn't control. I know it may not be so easy for others bc everyone's situation is different, but it works for me. And also remember to enjoy these precious moments with them, they're only kids for a short time!

Response by TSgt Gary Cook made Oct 3 at 2017 10:15 PM

TSgt Gary Cook — Tue, 03 Oct 2017 22:15:01 -0400

My son and daughter both loved our assignments, they saw a great deal of Europe and made great friends.

Response by MSG Dan Castaneda made Oct 4 at 2017 10:30 AM

MSG Dan Castaneda — Wed, 04 Oct 2017 10:30:29 -0400

I have four kids and we have been very fortunate. All four of my kids were born on Fort Bragg and they have never experienced a PCS move. My oldest is 14 and a freshman in high school. My youngest is three years old. It was a lot easier to deploy when they were younger. But I have an awesome wife who has literally motivated me to do the things that I have done. Without her who knows where I'd be. The military has been the best thing to ever happen to me and my family.

Response by PO2 Russell "Russ" Lincoln made Sep 1 at 2021 5:02 PM

PO2 Russell "Russ" Lincoln — Wed, 01 Sep 2021 17:02:12 -0400

Overall I think it was a positive affect, especially on my daughter. She is an E-8 23 year Army professional. She makes her mother and I proud.

Response by WO1 Private RallyPoint Member made Sep 3 at 2021 2:47 PM

WO1 Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 03 Sep 2021 14:47:18 -0400

(Note: I say my son, because I hate the word "Step parent," given I'm the dad in his life - His biological dad hasn't said a single word to him, ever. Just to avoid any potential confusion.)

I can't say in the same way on how it's impacted my kids - I have been in the Reserve since I have had kids. I know my kids don't adapt well to change (making friends, new locations, etc). So it would be INCREDIBLY difficult on them. My son grew up in a small city at the beginning, then when I stepped into his life, he moved just a city over and found it hard to make friends. It was a while before he found some people to really connect with. My daughter is very shy towards new people, so while it could have an opposite impact, she is only 4 right now, and if I uprooted my family, it would be a 75/25% chance, 75% being she'll go further into her shell and remain shy.

From a PERSONAL perspective, however, I did grow up as an Air Force brat. Knowing that moving was part of life, I didn't have issues adapting. I actually preferred to move. My dad was an Air Medic during Desert Storm, and was gone A LOT while stationed in Turkey in the 90's. While it was sad having him gone, I didn't think much of it during the day - I got into a rhythm and enjoyed things I could control. I saw a lot of awesome places, and met a lot of people from all walks of life (Enlisted, Officer, different cultures...all of it.). So I was able to relate better to different cultures as I got older. Or knew traditions in cultures I wouldn't have known without being a military brat. It is a different view being born into the lifestyle than if you suddenly appear in it. And every kid takes it in different ways. But if they know moving and deploying is just part of it and they've known it from the start, it does feel like it's easier than if you have a step parent that is in the military.

This is ultimately a decision that you and your spouse will need to make. There's good and bad with both sides, but at the end, family adapts. You won't always be in the military, so this could just be a small impact on their life, depending on when you ultimately retire. Or it could be their entire childhood.

If you want to talk more, I'd be more than happy to, feel free to message if needed. But hopefully this helps out.

Response by SPC Justine Blankenbeckler made Sep 5 at 2021 9:38 PM

SPC Justine Blankenbeckler — Sun, 05 Sep 2021 21:38:18 -0400

It has been Wonderful for my Children. My Daughter was 3 when my husband went in, and my Son was born almost 5 years later at Ft. CAMPBELL , Military Hospital. My Children learned Dad was not home for 3 weeks, we did more of everything, they made new Friends, I made new Friendships and we depended on each other at times. My Children appreciated Dad when he was home, and we had Family time. Even when we moved to Alabama when my husband went to Flight School, Dad could not come home for 3 months. Mom was everything. Our Marriage was a little test then, I cut the grass, worked at the Officer's Club, was Mom and Dad, especially through chicken pox. But we survived. In 9 months Graduation came, my in laws were here and we celebrated. Oh , and the Orders were back to Ft. CAMPBELL. WE were all happy.

Response by CDR Bob Lange made Sep 5 at 2021 9:50 PM

CDR Bob Lange — Sun, 05 Sep 2021 21:50:04 -0400

The most important thing is for the parents to maintain their own relationship with each other, while being consistent in parenting the kids. Our three kids learned flexibility, independence, and a little bit of wanderlust. They are now all in their 40's and doing well.

Response by SPC Private RallyPoint Member made Sep 5 at 2021 11:10 PM

SPC Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 05 Sep 2021 23:10:48 -0400

That's a great question. So far, my children have done quite well with it. It's definitely presented challenges, but I think they will be stronger, more adaptable and more resilient.

Response by CPT Mary Garrison made Sep 21 at 2021 1:03 PM

CPT Mary Garrison — Tue, 21 Sep 2021 13:03:21 -0400

My husband was a "military brat" and did grow up very resilient, but he missed the stability of life-long friends. His siblings all reacted differently. When we had a chance, we left active duty. The children both excelled in superior private schools and have maintained lifelong friendships with school and neighborhood friends. Either one of them would have done well moving, but for them, I think we chose the best.