My latest attempt at something for Christmas

Me 'n Dad Saved Christmas

It’s a little-known fact,
But several years back,
Late December, as best I recall,
Ol’ Santa broke down
At the edge of our town,
But me ‘n dad saved Christmas for y’all.

We’d been out feedin’ hay,
That cold winter’s day,
And we were on our way home.
When we came ‘round a curve,
And shore ‘nuff had to swerve,
‘Round some deer and a sleigh in the road.

There was a round-belly fellow;
He jiggled like Jello,
What he said, you bet made us pause.
He laughed “Ho-ho-ho”,
Said “I want you to know,
That I am the real Santa Claus.

I’ve been flyin’ all night,
I can’t quit ‘til daylight,
But my deer are run plumb ragged.
They desperately need
Some powerful feed
To give ‘em a spark, ‘cause they’re draggin’”.

Me ‘n dad drove to the barn,
Grabbed some sacks of Horse Charge,
Steel filings and pieces of flint,
Black powder, Absorbine,
Odorless kerosene;
All into a feed tub it went.

Car battery acid,
Some syrup turned rancid,
Chem lights and Septic Tank Fire,
Rolled oats in a sack,
A can of car wax
And fuel for an old Zippo lighter.

We loaded the flat-bed,
“This is crazy” we both said,
And headed back to the highway.
Not a word did we say,
While the radio played,
“Jingle bells, jingle bells all the way”.

The deer were still panting
When we got back to Santa,
There on the side of the road.
He “Ho-hoed” us once more
When we opened the doors,
Then helped us the tub to unload.

We stirred it around,
The deer gobbled it down,
Then their eyes all began to glow.
They belched and they farted
An’ then they all started
Snortin’ and rarin’ to go.

Claus got back in his sleigh
Without further delay,
And was gone in the blink of an eye.
The deer were all done-in
But we got ‘em runnin’
Like an asteroid streakin’ the sky.

We went on back home;
We were hungry and cold,
So we had supper there by the fire.
Mom asked why we were late,
I just sat there and ate,
While dad told her; she called him a liar.

Now when folks gather ‘round us,
Some of ‘em doubt us
Whenever we mention that night.
But doubts disappear
When we tell how the deer
Passin’ gas made the green Northern Lights.

© Ken B. Harper
15 November 2015