My TSgt ex-husband cheated on me with a SSgt. Reported the adultery, was told there wasn't enough proof to investigate. What do I do?

Tj Parker — Mon, 13 Nov 2017 18:01:58 -0500

His 1st shirt told me that he knew what my husband was doing but chose to stay out of it. He told me my ex's chain of command is aware of the situation. I'm a civilian and was left with nothing. Please help me.

Response by MSG Private RallyPoint Member made Nov 13 at 2017 6:19 PM

MSG Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 13 Nov 2017 18:19:45 -0500

IG office.

Response by SGM Bill Frazer made Nov 13 at 2017 6:21 PM

SGM Bill Frazer — Mon, 13 Nov 2017 18:21:16 -0500

Without any proof, the Military will not do anything, hearsay, unrecorded confessions- all that will no be admissible to the chain of command. As for being left with nothing- why don't you get a lawyer for the divorce? You could be legible for quite a lot of his benefits, etc.

Response by CPT Private RallyPoint Member made Nov 13 at 2017 6:37 PM

CPT Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 13 Nov 2017 18:37:51 -0500

Adultery is difficult to prove without concrete evidence such as pictures or video. An adultery charge is often combined with other misconduct charges since it is hard to prosecute by itself.

As far as financial support goes, I would think the court would have determined that when you divorced. Was no alimony determined?

Response by SGT David T. made Nov 14 at 2017 8:39 AM

SGT David T. — Tue, 14 Nov 2017 08:39:26 -0500

Knowing something and being able to prove it are two different things. Adultery is one of the hardest things to prove. Since you are already divorced, there is nothing you can do. Regardless of how unfair it was, it is done. All you can do now is pick up the pieces and move on with your life. I know that isn't the answer you wanted, but it is the reality.

Response by SSgt Holden M. made Nov 14 at 2017 9:12 AM

SSgt Holden M. — Tue, 14 Nov 2017 09:12:09 -0500

The biggest thing about the military or seems to really be anything in general if there isn't proof then it doesn't/didn't exist and that also goes for the alimony thing if it was just word of mouth then it won't stand up in court.

Response by SGT Dave Tracy made Nov 14 at 2017 10:10 AM

SGT Dave Tracy — Tue, 14 Nov 2017 10:10:04 -0500

You've gotten some good responses about the pertinent rules and typical actions when it comes to adultery and divorce with respect to the military. I won't echo that.

It might not be fair to you, I get that, really, but unless, as far as the divorce is concerned, you can go back to court--consult a lawyer for the most practical advice--the best thing you can do for yourself is to start letting go. Note I said "start"; I understand its a long process.

Even if you can't get a more equitable outcome, you've got to cut your losses; for your sake, not his. You're going to burn yourself up faster than you'll burn your ex out. I certainly do understand wanting to get back at someone, but skip the revenge thing. Don't get it on with his buddies or destroy his stuff or whatever you think might cut him deep. Even if it feels satisfying at the time, in the long run, it won't help you. I've seen more than one person burn themselves up getting back at their ex.

So if you're out of legal options, regardless of whether your ex or the system or whatever seems to have screwed you over (Maybe it has, maybe not, what do I know?), you won't be making anything better for yourself. And in that case the best you could hope for is that you make life more miserable for him than you will for yourself; but the key takeaway is you will still make yourself miserable. Its a trap; emotional and mental.

Hopefully you know all this already, and none of what I wrote will be applicable to you; that you're not going to let this situation hurt you any further as you work through the proper channels for the more equitable solution you seek.

However it plays out, and regardless of the choices you'll make, good luck.

Response by Sharon Lee made Nov 15 at 2017 1:54 AM

Sharon Lee — Wed, 15 Nov 2017 01:54:15 -0500

Could you not divorce him in regular court in the city where you live? I wouldn't sign anything... Do you have kids? Did you document and keep records, bank records and statements? Tracking devices? Confront her in public; at her church is a good way to get the attention of everyone and put her mess on front street. Adultery is not only against military law, but state law. Civil court is an option. FYI: ALWAYS get it in writing, even if you have to put it on a napkin!!

Response by Sharon Lee made Nov 15 at 2017 2:02 AM

Sharon Lee — Wed, 15 Nov 2017 02:02:12 -0500

Wonder if they have kids, if so we'd be in court every time he got a promotion. How long was the marriage? Why take someone's word over a written statement. She couldn't have had a lawyer...no way.

Response by SPC Margaret Higgins made Nov 15 at 2017 9:16 AM

SPC Margaret Higgins — Wed, 15 Nov 2017 09:16:06 -0500

Tj Parker: I can offer you fervent prayers on your journey forward. -Love, Margaret