Parenting with Vet-isms

1SG James Gibson — Fri, 20 Nov 2020 12:21:58 -0500

As I continue my journey as a Child and Family Therapist, I thought I would take the time to share with you a few tips that can fundamentally change the behaviors of our children (for the better) in a way that isn’t discussed very often. What is it? The way we parent.

I have had the honor of working with dozens of children from families of Veterans. I am about to let you in on a little secret: Unless the child has been through a traumatic event, the true therapeutic benefits come from the 10 to 15 minutes I spend with the parents at the end of sessions. Today, I am going to share with you the top three recommendations I give to parents (and use myself).

1 – Parents should focus on dropping the “Vet-isms”. What are “Vet-isms”? They are behaviors that we learned in the military that helped us operate in the military environment. And the first “Vet-ism” that parents need to be aware of is: we spend much of the time in uniform looking for “what is wrong”. From early morning physical training to walking through the unit area, we are constantly looking for what is wrong. We are taught in the military to find what is wrong, make a correction, retrain if needed, and then continue our day; continuing to focus on making “on the spot” corrections.

Unfortunately, this behavior leaks into our parenting (which is normal as we spend much of our day in uniform). The research is overwhelming, in that it shows our children will repeat a positive behavior when it is praised, versus being told when they are doing something wrong. Positive attention brings higher self-esteem, happiness, and creates better relationships. The opposite happens when we parent our children, as if they are a member of the military, by telling them what they are doing isn’t correct or is “bad”.

2 – Our children learn through their parent’s demonstrated behaviors. One of the most common phrases I use with parents is “If you want cool, calm, and collected kiddos in all situations, the parents need to be cool, calm, and collected in all situations”. We cannot expect our kids to “not yell” when they become frustrated if the parents yell when they become frustrated. Our number one job as a parent is to “demonstrate the behaviors we want to see in our children”.

During the first assessment with a child client, I explore the parent’s relationship with each other. Children learn their behaviors from observation. If a kiddo has difficulty in controlling their emotions and yells, they more than likely learned it from watching their parents yell when they become “mad” or “angry”. Remember: If you want cool, calm, and collected kiddos, we parents must demonstrate those behaviors for them on a consistent basis.

3 – Time. The most valuable commodity we can give our children is our time. And by time, I am referring to quality connection time at the child’s level. I understand being tired after a long day of work, training event, or just regular life activities, but our children need attention at their level.

When children do not get the attention they need, they will seek that attention in other ways. These attention seeking behaviors can often look like emotional outbursts or they may conduct behaviors that bring upon negative attention (lying, cheating, stealing). Find ways to connect with your children while conducting activities that excite them. Play age appropriate games together, go for walks, or just talk about the silly stuff that goes through kiddo’s heads. Show them that they matter, that they are loved, and that you care, and their behaviors will take a turn for the positive.

If you or someone you know in the Washington State area needs support please reach out to my team by calling us at [login to see] or emailing us at [login to see] We are veterans and military family members ourselves. We get it and are here to help you get back to better. Learn more about our local services at https://rly.pt/ValleyCitiesCohenClinic

If you, or someone you know, is in need of confidential counseling and therapy in an additional location, you can find a clinic here: https://rly.pt/CohenClinics

If someone is in need of immediate or emergency care, please stop now and call 9-1-1.
Please contact the VA Veterans Crisis Line at: [login to see] Press 1

Cohen Clinic — Valley Cities

Response by MAJ Byron Oyler made Nov 20 at 2020 3:01 PM

MAJ Byron Oyler — Fri, 20 Nov 2020 15:01:37 -0500

This is something I think about often. I enlisted at 17 and between guard and RA, I hit 24 years in February. I have seen to many seniors with their messed up children in the ER. Some brought to much Army home, others spent to much time at work focusing on that next promotion and not the promotion at home. I think the best thing I brought home from the military is mission first and my son every bit understands what I do for him is to make him successful in whatever he choses in life. He does not like running but understands so many jobs when he turns 18 require minimal fitness he is out there pushing himself. When I take his XBOX away he understands why and I fill his time with meaningful things to do. My children chasing the best nursing home possible for me is my primary mission today...

Response by SP5 Dennis Loberger made Nov 21 at 2020 6:24 PM

SP5 Dennis Loberger — Sat, 21 Nov 2020 18:24:43 -0500

I wish had known this when it would have mattered for my boys

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Dec 5 at 2020 9:08 AM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Sat, 05 Dec 2020 09:08:57 -0500

Great advise! Some I learned along the way, others I see in hindsight now. We do the best we can. :)