PTSD and Marriage: What to do when the passion is lost?

MAJ Ken Landgren — Tue, 29 Sep 2015 12:39:59 -0400

I have lost passion for my wife. I love her, but the passion does not exist anymore, and it is quite bothersome. I will never get divorced because I made a promise. Am I in a unique situation?

Response by MSG Private RallyPoint Member made Sep 29 at 2015 12:44 PM

MSG Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 29 Sep 2015 12:44:09 -0400

Not unique. Definitely consider marriage counseling.

Response by 1stSgt Private RallyPoint Member made Sep 29 at 2015 12:48 PM

1stSgt Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 29 Sep 2015 12:48:33 -0400

Check out Family Services to see if there is a counselling center on the base and make sure she can not get into this forum.

Response by SGT Ben Keen made Sep 29 at 2015 12:48 PM

SGT Ben Keen — Tue, 29 Sep 2015 12:48:34 -0400

No not unique at all. The brain is a crazy thing and the changes it under goes following a deployment are just as different service member to service member as our finger prints. I would suggest counseling and trying to "date" your wife again. Get out and do the things you did to win her over.

Response by CH (CPT) Heather Davis made Sep 29 at 2015 12:53 PM

CH (CPT) Heather Davis — Tue, 29 Sep 2015 12:53:56 -0400

MAJ Landgren:
Many of our veterans have un-resolved trauma, and due to intense emotions, many veterans experience emotional-numbing and detachment.

Response by PO2 Brandon Boucher made Sep 29 at 2015 2:30 PM

PO2 Brandon Boucher — Tue, 29 Sep 2015 14:30:16 -0400

There is no shame in getting a divorce, if things aren't working out it would be a shame to go through the rest of your life unfulfilled and up happy. There are two people to think of, not just yourself. I started working on who I was and what I wanted after I was getting triggered because of my PTSD. I recommend working on you before bringing someone else into your world.

Response by MSgt Curtis Ellis made Sep 29 at 2015 2:42 PM

MSgt Curtis Ellis — Tue, 29 Sep 2015 14:42:18 -0400

The only difference between you and I is that I finally had to succumb to the divorce... Promise or not, my marriage was doing neither one of us any good; she knew it, I knew it and eventually the kids knew it... I commend you for staying but I would recommend that you both should consider a marriage counselor as, many times, they can help you "see things" in your marriage that just simply may not be visible at this time for whatever the reason... Whatever you decide, my luck to you!

Response by 1SG Private RallyPoint Member made Sep 29 at 2015 4:49 PM

1SG Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 29 Sep 2015 16:49:16 -0400

My (soon-to-be) ex-wife and I just talked about this today. She said it was one of the reasons she decided to leave.
I never really felt that way at the time, but looking back, she was right.
My advice: take her nice places and build memories that inspire joy, creativity, and zest for life and each other. The passion will come to you.
Marriage is a long road with many decisions that make an impact. Don't give up! A marriage built to last is a special thing, one worth fighting for. But it takes work to keep the "magic" alive.
I envy you that you still have an opportunity to make it work, MAJ Ken Landgren

Response by SFC Mark Merino made Sep 29 at 2015 5:20 PM

SFC Mark Merino — Tue, 29 Sep 2015 17:20:57 -0400

I believe you and I are kindred spirits. I have had the same issue and it is very troubling. I had to make some emotional tradeoffs in order to get most of my issues under control. Venlafaxine (Effexor) works wonders for me but makes me feel very apathetic, like you mentioned. I had them add Bupropion as a kicker and that has helped a little. I'm still searching for a better combination so I can experience joy as I remember it. The only positive thing about feeling this way is that it helps with the continuous head games the ex plays with holding our own kids hostage. Something inside just finally switched off inside me as a defense mechanism. Now that the majority of the hell is over, I want to get those positive emotions turned back on again.

As far as the refusing to divorce comment....I too was that way and endured hell for 20 years. I'd still be living in misery if she didn't divorce us. I was dedicated to the kids. The only thing we accomplished was to provide an atmosphere for the kids to see how dysfunctional a marriage is. I'm not advocating divorce, but in my case it was the most positive influence on everyone.

Response by SGT Myra Castillo made Sep 29 at 2015 8:49 PM

SGT Myra Castillo — Tue, 29 Sep 2015 20:49:37 -0400

I suggest counseling (marriage/ sex therapist) to get that love you once had for her. Also pray on this matter.

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Sep 29 at 2015 9:15 PM

SSG Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 29 Sep 2015 21:15:19 -0400

Have you considered that staying in a relationship that you aren't happy in is a disservice to you and especially your wife? I would submit that you both deserve to be happy, even if that means the inevitable.

Response by MSgt Rob Weston made Oct 1 at 2015 10:05 AM

MSgt Rob Weston — Thu, 01 Oct 2015 10:05:18 -0400

Maj

Every marriage and relationship goes through times when things are not where you or your partner want them to be. So this is not really a unique issue. I would recommending talking with your partner about this and even look at attending marriage counseling to help find new ways to spark your relationship. This at or may not work, but be open to the process. What helps my wife and I is that we set a day where it is all about us (date night) where we get a sitter and do something we both enjoy. I am not going to say it will work for you, but it is an idea. First thing is to discuss the issue with your spouse, who knows maybe she feels the same way.

Response by LTC Stephen F. made Oct 1 at 2015 10:07 AM

LTC Stephen F. — Thu, 01 Oct 2015 10:07:26 -0400

I doubt that you are in a unique position MAJ Ken Landgren. Passion can not be separated from feelings. When we are dealing with incredible stress, the effects of medications, and /or physical conditions such as PTSD passion and the zest for life seem like will-o-the-wisps.
I too love my wife and I am committed to our marriage. I take so many medications which impact my mind, nerves, and mood that life becomes challenging at times. My ability to focus suffers which bothers me a lot. I have learned that in difficult situation sit is best to do and say whet is right to the best of our ability, seek forgiveness when we screw up, and do not dwell on past mistakes. Take each day as it comes and when the pain is near overwhelming take each minute then hour one at a time.
Love is separate from passion. Love is a choice. I applaud you for your decision to honor your commitment and I hope and pray that God will restore the passion to your marriage and bless you and your wife.
Heavenly Father, I pray that you will bless Ken and his wife with an outpouring of love and rekindle their desire for one another in the power and authority of the Name above all names Jesus Christ.
After all, God first loved us and He loves us perfectly without any selfish ambitions or motives. When we have a relationship with God [vertical] then we have a hope for a relationship with those we love especially our spouse. COL Mikel J. Burroughs, LTC Stephen C., SMSgt Minister Gerald A. Thomas, CMSgt Mark Schubert, SFC Joe S. Davis Jr., MSM, DSL, SSG James J. Palmer IV aka "JP4", SGT Private RallyPoint Member, SGT Randal Groover, SGT Forrest Stewart, SGT Robert Hawks

Response by SSG Ed Mikus made Oct 1 at 2015 10:42 AM

SSG Ed Mikus — Thu, 01 Oct 2015 10:42:06 -0400

read the 5 love languages book together. this is normal and takes effort and honesty from you both.

Response by CW3 Eric W. S. made Oct 1 at 2015 10:58 AM

CW3 Eric W. S. — Thu, 01 Oct 2015 10:58:17 -0400

Unfortunate as it may sound and feel at this point, your situation is not unique at all. There are countless individuals in the military and VA system that experience PTSD, Depression, Anxiety, etc. Medication will effect your emotions and thought processes. You are lucky in that you recognized it before it got to the point that the love is gone. I can wholeheartedly respect your decision not to divorce her, because you DID make a promise and you seem like a man whose word is his bond.

I felt like this several years back. I will tell you, it WILL take work, but you can put the passion and spark back into your marriage. It will take as much work as it took you to deal with your PTSD and to overcome it. It is not selfish, but you have to start with taking care of yourself. If you have not received counseling for your PTSD, you can not move beyond it. If you are still having issues, continue talking with someone. If you are religious, then you can utilize that route as well, but you need to talk and work this out inside of you.

Next step is to talk to your wife. If you can't communicate with her, nothing will ever get better. I am not saying you have to tell her everything you experienced and say to your counselor, but you have to talk to her. Remember not to talk "at" her, but to her. You have to have an open dialogue and you have to be able to relate to each other again. If you have to, let her do most of the talking in the beginning.

Next step is to find a way (dating again helped us) to light that spark again. Now that you have opened up the lines of communication again, it will be more comfortable again to start doing things together that are beyond the day-to-day, mind-numbing routine. Break out of these routines and do things out of the ordinary. If you have children, hire a sitter and get away for a few hours. When you are out of your routine, continue to talk. Also, take this slow. It took time for you to fall in love with her, it will take even longer to rebuild the passion. Trust me, it is worth it. You promised your life to this woman, she promised hers to you. Marriage retreats, at this point, are often too much. Start with dinner and a movie, start with a picnic, start with a drive in the country, go fishing together, plant another flower garden (this one helped us because we could see the fruits of our collective labors). You know her and yourself, find something that brought you together in the first place and start over there.

You obviously want to make this work, or you would not have put yourself out there. That shows courage and fortitude. You can do this, you will need her help, but it will benefit you both for the rest of your lives together. You can always talk to others that have been there, but communication is the key to healing and getting back to the way you want it to be. The more you hold things in, the worse it will be for you and her in the long run. I can guarantee you this is not going to happen overnight and will not be without stumbling blocks in the way, but you succeeded in your Army career, you will succeed in this as well.

Response by SFC Wesley Arnold, Jr made Oct 1 at 2015 12:40 PM

SFC Wesley Arnold, Jr — Thu, 01 Oct 2015 12:40:02 -0400

The find what has pulled you apart the most. Try to fix and fan those flames ... maybe reinventing how and why you fell in love enough to marry. Find the old thing that you shared that were fun, create new activities that you both enjoy with leading to a trigger of your PTSD.
I used VA's: Stress Inoculation Training (SIT ) Group for PTSD; It helps us understand PTSD (as defined) and physiological changes (of physical function & the brain).
It is a course that helps you learn and understand the skills of: Relaxation, Grounding (the here and now), Cognitive, Anger Management. It also describes other therapeutic treatments such as Prolonged Exposure (PE), Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT), and Traumatic Incidents Reduction (TIR).
To get back more to topic ... The SIT classes are designed to help you understand your triggers and the things you avoid, which it my case (most of PTSD) my family and friends.
Unfortunately, for you and your wife's exception of PTSD is the "new normal" (for you) and how it's now a part of the family. Understanding the "monster" that most of us call PTSD, will not let us to get back to our "old self" you hopefully will be able to find that spark again. My best to you and your wife.

Response by SPC David S. made Oct 1 at 2015 12:41 PM

SPC David S. — Thu, 01 Oct 2015 12:41:25 -0400

No it is not unique - a good friend lost this wife, business, and many friends due to PTSD. All I can say it try to hang on to all the good things. The reasons you got married in the first place (other than sex) - also be aware if there are any other external factors that could be effecting your relationship - emotional affair with someone else for example. In today's society the nuclear family doesn't get a lot of support however you seem committed to honoring your promise and I commend you for that. Possibly try counseling with someone who understand the dynamics of PTSD and the military environment. Obviously be careful in how you present this information to your wife as to not exasperate the situation which could cause her to withdraw. Best of luck and thanks for sharing.

Response by SN Greg Wright made Oct 1 at 2015 12:50 PM

SN Greg Wright — Thu, 01 Oct 2015 12:50:07 -0400

MAJ Ken Landgren I don't think you are at all, Major. I think a lot of people go through what you're experiencing. I'd say counseling might help, but you're not talking about behavioral issues, you're talking about something inside you, inside the dynamic of your specific relationship that a counselor probably can't help. I'm not really sure that I have good advice for you because I've not experienced this --I had no problem leaving my cheating wife when I caught her--, but I'll say at least that I hear you and support you however I can.

Response by PO3 Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 1 at 2015 1:05 PM

PO3 Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 01 Oct 2015 13:05:52 -0400

a word of advice from my dad to me ... Remember the moment. That will mean a lot, and will help you and remind you. You also need to go out and make these happy and memorable moments with her too. Moment like that usually don't involve money at all , it require time only.

Response by CMSgt Mark Schubert made Oct 1 at 2015 1:51 PM

CMSgt Mark Schubert — Thu, 01 Oct 2015 13:51:08 -0400

Sir,
I'm not sure if you have seen this story, but it might help -
http://www.sunnyskyz.com/feel-good-story/1125/Married-Or-Not-You-Should-Read-This-Husband-s-Story
I would strongly suggest that you do not use PTSD as a factor in your realization of lost "passion" for your wife - and let your wife alone make up her own mind about whether or not she has "passion" for you with all your good and bad attributes.
If you feel like the PTSD is the sole reason for your situation, then I'd ask how long has this been going on, how long hv you had PTSD, what hv you done to cure yourself, etc... There are a hundred great resources for your exact situation because you are not alone - but I also strongly suggest you get help to fix it as it's not worth sticking around for a promise. That decision is not fair to your wife! If you do love her, you will let her go - after all, don't we all want the very best for the people we love?
I have many, many more suggestions on "What to do" if you are interested, Sir

Married Or Not... You Should Read This Husband's Story

When I got home that night my wife served dinner. I held her hand and said,

Response by Cpl Clinton Britt made Oct 1 at 2015 7:47 PM

Cpl Clinton Britt — Thu, 01 Oct 2015 19:47:20 -0400

Itnos hard to deal with when some times our spouse is the trigger. I love my beloved wife. I spend a lot of time outside.

We want passion but when we act the fool and....... well neither side has passion

Response by LTC Bink Romanick made Oct 1 at 2015 7:47 PM

LTC Bink Romanick — Thu, 01 Oct 2015 19:47:26 -0400

MAJ Ken Landgren Get a girlfriend?

Response by PO1 Michael Gentile made Oct 1 at 2015 8:09 PM

PO1 Michael Gentile — Thu, 01 Oct 2015 20:09:34 -0400

Marriage is an investment for yours an wife's future. May I guess the the children are all grown are mostly on their own, and now it is just the two of you wondering what happen an where did time go. In my marriage now (27 years, 15 in the Navy with 8 deployments) I had to get myself in a right place an then work on my marriage. For us we used CREDO it is a great tool not a quick fix but a tool to start you an your wife in the right direction. Best of luck to you an your family.
http://www.public.navy.mil/fltfor/navychaplaincy/chaplaincare/Pages/CREDO.aspx

CREDO

Military service presents unique challenges and opportunities. CREDO offers transformational retreat-based programs designed to assist authorized users in developing the spiritual resources and resiliency necessary to excel in the military environment. Since 1971, CREDO has offered spiritual, personal, and relational growth opportunities to tens of thousands of authorized users, profoundly enhancing the lives and service of participants. CREDO...

Response by MAJ Matthew Arnold made Oct 1 at 2015 8:47 PM

MAJ Matthew Arnold — Thu, 01 Oct 2015 20:47:50 -0400

Sorry, brother, I know your struggle from the other side of the coin, and it is truly a struggle. I only know that love conquers all, and I patiently, not always, wait on The Lord to help me.

Response by Cpl Jeff N. made Oct 2 at 2015 6:24 AM

Cpl Jeff N. — Fri, 02 Oct 2015 06:24:35 -0400

You are doing the right thing by trying to work through it and find a way to keep your marriage together. It is hard to give specific advice but I will tell you what I have told others in similar situations.

Marriage is not a rolling boil, it is a slow simmer. It isn't a sprint, it is a marathon. Passion is an emotion, like despair. They are peak and valley emotions. Your marriage will have both but it will operate mostly in the middle. SMSgt Minister Gerald A. Thomas gives some great advice and insight, especially of you are a believer. Marriage is a covenant entered into before God for many of us. It is important we work to keep him at the center of our marriage as hard as that can be to do these days.

I wish you all the best as you work, through what have to be, very tough times in your relationship with your wife.

Response by SSG Keith Cashion made Oct 2 at 2015 11:35 AM

SSG Keith Cashion — Fri, 02 Oct 2015 11:35:40 -0400

This must have been on everyone's conversation list the last couple of days. My wife and I were talking about the same thing. Like, others there are so many things that affect how you feel, whether it be medication, PTSD, depression, you name it and it probably is a factor. Like my wife was telling me the other night, when I get into that state, mood, funk, there is just no dealing with me. But, she knows she will still fight on. The first time I saw my wife, I knew she was the one and only. We have been together for 30 years, and like she has said, since 2003 (OIF), I am not the same man she married. It has been a rough road, but we keep fighting. Has the passion waned from our relationship, yes, but then again, it also came back. We are a stubborn couple. As hard as it was for me to do, I had put my issues on the back burner, and really concentrate on her needs. It's tough, but when I have an episode, she gets literally in my face, and won't back down until I come out of it. She says in some cases she has been scared to death, but she is not stopping. I told my wife when we got married, I wasn't going anywhere and that I didn't believe in divorce (An not because of religion). We all know that if you are a career military member, that the spouse is often pushed to the back, at this point they need to be brought back to the front. This person should be the only thing that makes you breathe. I know without my wife, I would stop breathing. Go back to the recesses of your mind, what attracted you to her, what was the one thing, that made say...she is the one. Major....it's there, you just have to dust it off and go from there. Marriage like everyone knows, is the hardest job you will ever have...and takes both of you on the same level. I am not my wife's boss, and she isn't mine, we are equal partners, friends and lovers. I hope it gets better, because without passion in a marriage, you are only roommates.

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made Oct 2 at 2015 2:20 PM

MAJ Ken Landgren — Fri, 02 Oct 2015 14:20:31 -0400

Thank you from all the posters. You have shown me that my dilemma is not abnormal. I really do sympathize with folks who are experiencing similar conditions, as it is sad anyway you look at it. You folks have generally given me the OBJ of staying married, and the various avenues of approach to reach the OBJ. Many of you directly or indirectly alluded to the husband and wife must fight as one to remain as one to ply the waters of the world. I honor my marriage covenant as does she.

Regards,

Ken

Response by CSM Charles Hayden made Oct 3 at 2015 12:17 AM

CSM Charles Hayden — Sat, 03 Oct 2015 00:17:38 -0400

MAJ Ken Landgren , I am sorry Major. The deceased mother of my sons and I did well. We were committed and I begrudge her demise.

My 2nd marriage lasted for 14 traveling years before she thankfully succumbed to Alzheimer's etc.

Both the new love of my life, (10 years) and I want for naught. All we do is revel in the pleasure of pleasing one another!

I continue to be amazed at her and my pleasure in doing 'little' things for the other. GIVING COUNTS!

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 3 at 2015 11:20 AM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Sat, 03 Oct 2015 11:20:40 -0400

I can say from learning the hard way that our loved ones are included in our mission/duty. Those words don't just apply to our "uniformed" missions and duties. Those who support us also need love, attention, and care. So many of us are sooo dedicated to what we do while in uniform and give so much of ourselves in turn but at the expense of our relationships outside of the uniform. Often feeling like our military obligations aren't as forgiving as are spouses, friends or family. We feel they should understand because those late nights, deployments, and missed moments are partially done for them. Those moments come at cost. You look up and youve missed so many special moments. You stop to breathe for a minute, may have earned a promotion or an award or two, but have been mentally and emotionally demoted or discharged by your loved ones. It's a delicate balance and patience, attentiveness, communication, and understanding are key. Meaningful relationships of any kind take work, dedication, and effort.

I've often heard that being a dedicated military spouse is amongst the most underappreciated jobs and that may be true. I would recommend couples counseling. Counselors offer many exercises offered that could help rekindle the flame. Approach the counseling with an open mind and heart. Be optimistic at what's to gain and real about what's to lose. I'll end by saying that PTSD is real and couples counseling may help her get a better understanding of what your going through and vice versa. The commitment to rekindling that flame has to be genuine. If not it would be a burden for you both to endure for the remainder or your years. However, in the end you two will decide. Hopefully my post helps.

Response by PO2 Kevin LaCroix made Oct 6 at 2015 12:39 PM

PO2 Kevin LaCroix — Tue, 06 Oct 2015 12:39:12 -0400

Take a break. Not from your marriage, but from yourselves. Couples therapy might help. Individual therapy also.

I have been married for 25 years. We have had some rough patches, lost some passion, but are still strong.

Above all talk to each other. Be honest with yourself, and you spouse.

Response by SGT Allison Churchill made Oct 6 at 2015 12:54 PM

SGT Allison Churchill — Tue, 06 Oct 2015 12:54:56 -0400

I've watched a majority of my friends who were married when I met them separate and divorce and sometimes remarry in the time since I got out of the Army. So you're definitely not in a unique situation.

Have you had any opportunities to go on any of the marriage retreats? I had to cover several--they give you a chance to stay somewhere quite nice, I believe a few times they provided child care, if that's an issue, and your command is supposed to encourage couples to go.

If that's not an option, well--I haven't been married, but I read pretty much every advice column out there (guilty pleasure) and it seems to me that the fact that you do still love her is a good place to start. Passion is necessary to a marriage, but it's going to ebb and flow over the years.

Do you still find each other interesting? Has she had a chance to pursue interests that you might not share? Maybe if you both find something you get excited about (as long as it's not another person!) that excitement will carry over to your time together and get that flame of passion going again.

Good luck!

Response by 1SG Harold Piet made Oct 6 at 2015 12:56 PM

1SG Harold Piet — Tue, 06 Oct 2015 12:56:58 -0400

Date like you used to, the things that brought you together can keep you together. If you cannot afford the same type dates, make a picnic lunch and sit on the tailgate of your truck with the radio playing and talk. take time to dance to a slow song. show her you still care, the passion will return.

Response by SFC Jay Needham made Oct 6 at 2015 1:28 PM

SFC Jay Needham — Tue, 06 Oct 2015 13:28:48 -0400

I have a hard time loving anyone, and this has caused 2 marriages and impacted 5 children's lives, as I just can't feel love. I feel numb inside, Now that I am 54 I believe my time to find it is over.

Response by Cpl William Domenz made Oct 6 at 2015 2:05 PM

Cpl William Domenz — Tue, 06 Oct 2015 14:05:45 -0400

Communicate - Communicate and then repeat - Also, whenever you are together, put the digital devices in the other room! Also, physical contact is a must - hold hands - hug - etc... :) My marriage sure aint perfect, however I can say that I am happily married for over 18yrs! It is work - But it is worth it! Best of luck and my prayers go out to you and yours.

Response by CPT David Adelusi made Oct 6 at 2015 2:18 PM

CPT David Adelusi — Tue, 06 Oct 2015 14:18:26 -0400

Hope it's not to late to add my take MAJ? Marriage is not a contract, but a covenant between two different people and it's the first human institution established by God. Marriage is not meant to make us happy however, we are to invest to make it work for our Companionship; Fruitfulness; and Enjoyment. Counseling is a way to go through provider who respect the institution of marriage. Also Marriage Retreat could work some miracle and bring back the lost passion. There are tons of resource there to read, but I recommend "The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman"
Blessings.

Response by SSG Jesse Cheadle made Oct 6 at 2015 2:47 PM

SSG Jesse Cheadle — Tue, 06 Oct 2015 14:47:57 -0400

Sir,

This is a complicated subjest to which I have some good advise as I have had the same issue. I would love to discuss it with you. Find me on FB and PM me. Reason is too much to type and lengthy. If you want some tools I am willing to share from my 5 years of therapy.

1) You are not alone
2) We cannot just turn off our adrenaline system that has been activated for several consecutive months or even a week straight.
3) Interest and pleasure does not exist because it does not fit into our "new" mentality. Mission Orientation and execution. Out thoughts are on everything that needs to be done.
4) Reintegration was a bust but can be resolved.
5) Desire lurks around each corner. How do we overcome that! That too is a correctable problem we face.
6) Hypervigilance and awareness of suroundings, anxiety and nervousness feel like a train wreck! Its our survival instinct kicked into high gear! Thats why we see things others dont. The merging tractor trailer we avoid, the animal carcus 300M down the road.
7) Its ok to cry!
8) COMMUNICATION! Without it our mission fails, Soldiers die, carrers end and divorce is imminent.

Jesse Cheadle on FB

Response by SGT Justin Whiteman made Oct 6 at 2015 3:09 PM

SGT Justin Whiteman — Tue, 06 Oct 2015 15:09:40 -0400

Hello sir, your situation is hard, but not uncommon. After my first deployment in 2007, I came back suffering with ptsd, and still do to this day. The adjustment was hard and my wife at the time did everything to support me. I was just a different person... try rekindling the reasons that you fell in love with her in the first place. If you don't get out of the house on trips or outings, u could do that. Spend time with just you and her. I also highly recommend the Strong Star program. It's a high intensity ptsd program for veterans. Hope this helps.

-Justin

Response by SPC Ed Cardenas made Oct 6 at 2015 4:53 PM

SPC Ed Cardenas — Tue, 06 Oct 2015 16:53:57 -0400

Passion fades - it's perfectly normal and comes with time and familiarity.

Just talk to your wife. Be prepared - the first thing she's going to think is that you don't love her anymore. The second thing she's going to think is that you found someone else. Once you get past that, you two will have to figure out what's missing and what to do about it.

Best of luck.

Response by SSgt Liam Babington made Oct 6 at 2015 4:59 PM

SSgt Liam Babington — Tue, 06 Oct 2015 16:59:48 -0400

I am where you are now!! PTSD sapps the life out of you. You feel as if ypu can not reconnect because of what we went through...seen...and experienced. It is in a sense the spirit disconnected from the soul and you can seem to reconnect one to the other. That what you deal with is or has "killed a part of you that ypu BELIEVE you can never get back". YOU CAN GET IT BACK....I AM IN THAT PROCESS NOW!!!

It takes time and work to get back AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE to get back the passion! Bringing flowers hugs passionate kisses help...a lot. Telling her how wonderful she is! Strange as this seems to is guys taking out the trash and house cleaning the ladies appreciate that also!

Passion.....it takes time it CAN be rekindled! Like a prize rose garden, love requires work there is also PREP classes which may be of use. Here is thier web site
http://www.smartmarriages.com/directory/29

passion CAN be rekindled. The feelings of ackwardness exist and take work to overcome expressing this to your beloved is essential and LISTENING TO HER is essential. DONT BE DEFENSIVE OR ARGUEMENTITIVE....believe me this only makes the process of rekindling the passion take longer! But she also has to listen to you!!

It is a TEAM EFFORT the same way we did in the service. Hope this helps....always here to share..in my heart and actions NO ONE GETS LEFT BEHIND IN BATTLE OR AT HOME!!

Response by MSgt Wayne Blake made Oct 6 at 2015 5:25 PM

MSgt Wayne Blake — Tue, 06 Oct 2015 17:25:05 -0400

Marriage is work and the fact you are dedicated to stay because you are a man of your word says volumes. Prayer does move mountains and remembering WHY you fell in Love with her while "Choosing" to show her your love will lift you both higher. Putting down all pride, confessing your wrongs, and communication with her is the key!!!

Response by SGT Russell Curnow made Oct 6 at 2015 7:15 PM

SGT Russell Curnow — Tue, 06 Oct 2015 19:15:07 -0400

What they make Viagra for is just that purpose, there are many others like that drug. But you have to choose. Guy stuff, a little backwards motion might give a cure to the ocean, handy idea, if you know what I'm saying.

Response by MSgt Eric Roseberry made Oct 6 at 2015 8:32 PM

MSgt Eric Roseberry — Tue, 06 Oct 2015 20:32:05 -0400

You are not alone. Take a good look at her, see who she is, remember to appreciate her role in your life and your role in hers. All to often we talk about passion and forget that everyday mundane life is a treasure.

Response by SGT Loren Hammons made Oct 6 at 2015 9:21 PM

SGT Loren Hammons — Tue, 06 Oct 2015 21:21:14 -0400

It has taken me Twelve years to start trying to live a normal life. I am fortunate that my wife is always here, I can tell it has been hard on her. Lately the objective has been to get back in shape and keep the depression away. I do think that The passion returns but it takes time.

Response by SGT Felicia King made Oct 7 at 2015 1:56 AM

SGT Felicia King — Wed, 07 Oct 2015 01:56:46 -0400

Passion is still there, but sometimes people get stuck in a rut. That's why with married couples they are supposed to set time to be together and be spontaneous. Not something outrageous, just something not routine.

Response by SPC Dewayne Jones made Oct 7 at 2015 5:14 AM

SPC Dewayne Jones — Wed, 07 Oct 2015 05:14:39 -0400

You have to find out why you have lost your passion. What is making you lose your passion. Did she gain weight? Are you attractive to her? Do you feel good about yourself? Do you trust her? Did she do something to make you lose your love for her? Did you find out something about her past. If any of these ring a bell. You have to talk to her about it? Couples simply don't communicate as well. Do you guys have date night away from the kids? You have to keep the flame lit by having fun and enjoying each other.

Response by 1stSgt James Corbett made Oct 7 at 2015 7:51 AM

1stSgt James Corbett — Wed, 07 Oct 2015 07:51:28 -0400

Major,
I have just recently married but have been with my wife through many things over the last 7 years we've been together. One thing I have realized through the same dedication and loyalty you have expressed is that love is a choice. It is an action before it becomes a feeling. Love is placing your wife first as you did your country and serving her. I could go on, but if you are interested in talking, I would be glad to speak with you on the phone.
Best regards,
PRIOR 1SG...

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made Oct 7 at 2015 6:32 PM

MAJ Ken Landgren — Wed, 07 Oct 2015 18:32:22 -0400

Thank you for the kind words, wisdom, encouragement, and opinions. I apologize for not responding individually, I am just not too focused now. However, I would like to share my methodology in solving the situation.

1. We love each other.
2. She has more passion than me.
3. I will be more attentive to my wife.
4. We accept each other as is.
5. There is a covenant to marriage neither one of us wants to break.
6. It's all good now.
This is my marriage TTPs.

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 7 at 2015 7:37 PM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 07 Oct 2015 19:37:31 -0400

My wife and I went through the same situation. Ultimately what saved our marriage was counseling, and dating each other all over again. We had grown significantly distant towards each other and had fewer similarities than we wanted to accept. So our counselor asked us to start fresh, relearn what each of our passions were, and ultimately we learned how to communicate with each other and fell back in love. This may not work for you, but it's definitely worth a shot! Go somewhere new, do something fun, and just take it slow. You may just find each other all over again!

Response by SGT Tracey "Tra" Cooper-Harris made Oct 7 at 2015 7:59 PM

SGT Tracey "Tra" Cooper-Harris — Wed, 07 Oct 2015 19:59:07 -0400

Unfortunately, this is not unique. My seemingly strong 5yr relationship was a casualty of my deployment & PTSD. I warned my next girlfriend (ultimately became my wife) that I had issues, but she said we'd take it day by day. 10yrs later, we're still together.

Definitely sit down together and see if you both want to work on this. I believe you do, so you have to communicate, get counseling, start dating again, have fun & laugh. It's going to take some work, but anything worthwhile is going to take both of you working together. Good luck, Sir.

Response by SSG Katherine Likely made Oct 8 at 2015 2:59 PM

SSG Katherine Likely — Thu, 08 Oct 2015 14:59:57 -0400

No, NOTHING UNIQUE - PEOPLE OFTEN THINK PASSION AND LOVE ARE ONE - THEY AREN'T.

Love is the warm cozy bubble in your being - passion is often over rated and really doesn't affect love. But, to rekindle the passion you need to dig deep within yourself to figure out what makes you passionate.

I would prepare a list - fold the paper in half - open it - on one side put passion and the other side - put drain on passion. Then list what gets you passionate and what tears it away from you.

My husband and i did things together - one week his choice - the next week was my choice - with no repeats in the same month or in the next month. So, if you went bird watching one week - you can't do it again till the 3rd month. Has to be something different. You are awakening yourself to her and she will be able to do the same.

When my husband suggested bird watching - i thought he had lost it. I learned the difference between a mocking bird and a sparrow - i also learned he was a lot smarter then i gave him credit for. Just because you do something - doesn't mean you can't learn from it.

After 10 years of marriage i was still finding new things about him. You never know someone completely - even when their fully relaxed. True love and passion isn't dropped into your lap - it's developed and cherished and cultivated with time.

Response by SGT Latingurrr Latingurrr made Oct 8 at 2015 10:42 PM

SGT Latingurrr Latingurrr — Thu, 08 Oct 2015 22:42:14 -0400

The fact that you still love your wife is a really good point to start. Without that it will be hard to get back to a good place with her but of course not impossible. I can't say that I may be totally right but I will give you my honest thoughts. When my boyfriend and I got together 5 years ago, I really had no idea what it meant to be with someone with PTSD. Everyday it was a struggle for different reasons. I can't blame all of it to PTSD but it definitely contributed. Anyways, long story short one day he shouted to me that he saw me as regular person,nothing special no passion.he was much brutal than that, but u get the point. Obviously it hurt but because I'm stubborn, we have 1 daughter together, and I genuinely care and love him, i decided to really try to spark that passion again because like you, separation is not an option. So since then, we have definitely worked on a lot of things in our relationship. We try to make special time for ourselves, just the two of us. We have " date night" were we take turns in planning it out so the other can relax and feel special. We also try new things in private, because that's important to change up too. You don't need to go crazy but u know read about somethings then try it. Everytime I read about some intimacy growth stuff I make him try it, even if it seems silly. 2 years after that awful moment, with high ups and deep botton down, we are in a much better place. You guys have a life time together, you love each other. Don't give up, fight for what you want in your life. You both deserve to be happy and be satisfied with each other. Let her know how you feel. Don't let her get blindsided, it's a two way relationship. You might be pleasantly surprised with what she would do for you also

Response by PO2 Richard Severin made Nov 11 at 2015 7:31 PM

PO2 Richard Severin — Wed, 11 Nov 2015 19:31:38 -0500

Been there. 23 loyal years. She hated me because I was able to shut off my emotions. Glad to be out when she finally told me to leave. Get help if you want, or get out. You dig your own foxhole.

Response by CPT Private RallyPoint Member made Nov 11 at 2015 7:54 PM

CPT Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 11 Nov 2015 19:54:34 -0500

MAJ Ken Landgren Is it possible that we human beings have unrealistic expectations for ourselves in the area of physical attraction and love? When we first become involved with someone our body releases endorphins which is why we have that high everything is right with the world when I'm with this person feeling. Like any drug used over and over we will need more of it or a new version in order to achieve and or retain the same level we experienced when we were first in love. The three I reference are norepinephrine, dopamine, and phenylethylamine these three chemicals give us the high of the love feeling. Now not to be a downer in this conversation and say it's all about science but some of it is. It's a trick nature plays on us so that our species is carried on. At some point in long term relationships it no longer is about these feelings of euphoria but becomes a mixture of attraction and about commitment as you stated. Again not trying to be the downer here...That said, Keep in mind that if someone is experiencing anxiety or depression, or taking medications this could also have an effect on not feeling passionate. Another thing is finding and doing things which you are both interested in and enjoy doing.... Don't beat yourself up about it, this will only add to the anxiety aspect.

Response by SSG Audwin Scott made Dec 17 at 2015 12:02 PM

SSG Audwin Scott — Thu, 17 Dec 2015 12:02:00 -0500

I finally came to the conclusion it's me and not her. I decided to depart in hopes someone could love and appreciate her better than I.

Response by Cpl Clinton Britt made Dec 17 at 2015 12:49 PM

Cpl Clinton Britt — Thu, 17 Dec 2015 12:49:43 -0500

Do not give up on yourself or your spouse. Be patient and communicate

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Dec 17 at 2015 4:26 PM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 17 Dec 2015 16:26:18 -0500

I've been married for 15 years and what I do sometimes is treat my wife like my girlfriend. Just small things here and there like using simple sayings like "hey girl" or I text her some single man phrases lol. Sometimes when she puts me in speaker phone I'll talk dirty lol. You have to keep the passion going. It doesn't go on by itself

Response by SSG Katherine Likely made Dec 27 at 2015 2:50 AM

SSG Katherine Likely — Sun, 27 Dec 2015 02:50:14 -0500

you are foolish to throw everything you have because you believe that the passion is gone. If your talking just sex - perhaps a trip to the library to read some sexual books will give you some clues to recovering your passion. talk to her find out what she would like to try

There are sunsets and sun rises, children and your pet - if you like looking at her all is not lost. If you have pride in your home, your children your wife or whatever. life happens - it's unavoidable. If you can find passion for the rest of your life you can get your sexual passion back, it probably was never lost - just misplaced.

Response by A1C Melissa Jackson made Jan 1 at 2016 12:41 PM

A1C Melissa Jackson — Fri, 01 Jan 2016 12:41:00 -0500

I hear you.
It is not so much a "loss of passion" I love her with every bit of my heart. I enjoy her company (most of the time!) I like to hug and hold hands. I feel content and calm in her presence. She takes care of me more than I wish she would have to, but she does it willingly and joyfully- so that makes it easier.

As for "the rest"? It took me a long time to relax very much, but over time my trust in her has increased to complete. I believe she will take my side and help me in most everything. She would never do anything to intentionally hurt me. But "the other" usually just feels like too much effort for me. The medicines have all but destroyed my ability to get "aroused" and so it just does not seem worth it to try. However, I do my best to care for HER needs, and that makes me happy. I love her and want her to be happy. Soooo- if by passion you mean sex- consider ways you can serve her even if you are having trouble being interested. It will go a long way toward her happiness, and in the long run- yours.

I certainly hope things work out for you since you still love her.