Sins of the Fathers, Sins of the Sons

2015-03-19T15:17:51-04:00

There were times growing up that I wanted to be like one or the other of my parents, and times I wanted to be nothing like them. Yet as I reach the age they were when I was most critical of them, I find myself making many of the same choices.
I have learned the roots of many of their choices as I have grown up (fears, abuse, lessons learned, emotional trauma, etc...), and I find that even though our experiences are different in many ways, I still act in ways based on the examples they set if I don't stop to think through what I am about to do.
What are some of the things you do that your parents did, good or bad?
If you have children, do you see yourself in them? Is that good or bad?
How hard are you willing to work to overcome the traits of your parents (family) to see yourself, or your children succeed?

Response by 1LT David Moeglein made Mar 19 at 2015 3:24 PM

2015-03-19T15:24:14-04:00

Alcoholism and substance dependence have made a big impact on my family, particularly those who have served in the military. Three uncles came back from Vietnam, one hooked on heroin, the other two alcohol. One died at the age of 48 from cirrhosis of the liver, and the other uncle continues to drink with his American Legion buddies, as does my father.

I am the first in 12-step recovery in my family. Little by little others are beginning to come to the realization that alcohol may not be their best friend. I now have a cousin and another uncle that don't drink either. My parents have not typically processed their feelings well with me or my brothers.

My son has seen me learn how to responsibly share my feelings in good times and in bad. I have reached out and made amends to him when needed. He appears to have become very resilient and is thriving as a result. I am very proud of him and sometimes wonder if he's my son. Before I get too grandiose, I'm usually reminded that he has a good mother.

Response by SFC Michael Hasbun made Mar 19 at 2015 3:32 PM

2015-03-19T15:32:12-04:00

While our parents certainly influence who we become, we are all each one of us individually responsible for all the choices we make..

Response by Maj Chris Nelson made Mar 19 at 2015 3:33 PM

2015-03-19T15:33:46-04:00

I must hedge my bet....My life IS different then my parents. I have spent the last 27 years in the military. Dad did 2 years back in the 50's. There are many things that I do that they would probably have acted similarly (ok, maybe not exact, but general direction of similar). My wife is probably pretty close to polar opposite...as much as she can be. Her household was much less stable then the one I grew up on....she fights that demon on a nearly daily basis. Overall, we are raising a well rounded, confident, intelligent daughter that we hope will go far in life.

Response by Sgt Aaron Kennedy, MS made Mar 19 at 2015 3:40 PM

2015-03-19T15:40:02-04:00

My father was a good man. But he was from an older generation (he was 36 when I was born), so he came off as a hard man. He served 32 years in the Air Force, and he had an absolute Moral & Ethical compass. There was Right, and there was Wrong.

He was a sterling example. I have always tried to emulate him. Sometimes successfully, sometimes I could do better.

I just hope my own son says the same thing about me.

Response by PO3 Private RallyPoint Member made Mar 19 at 2015 3:47 PM

2015-03-19T15:47:58-04:00

My life is different than my parents' life was. My kids have it much easier than I did. It's hard to answer your poll because on one hand I try and behave as my Mother would have but my Father wasn't around much and when he was he was contradictory in his behavior so not somebody I want to model myself after. I find myself consciously doing the opposite of what I believe he would have.

Response by SFC Mark Merino made Mar 19 at 2015 4:10 PM

2015-03-19T16:10:40-04:00

CW2 Joseph Evans you hit a home run with this thread. As a wanna-be junior couch talker, I can argue that these unresolved childhood issues are responsible for the majority of problems within the military and civilian communities.
There are so many service members who just don't know what right looks like. They do what they were showed and get infuriated when someone tells them they are not doing the right thing. The older generations of service members got the belt. We got paddled (with a wooden paddle!) from the assistant principal in school, and maybe we got a hand across the face. We went to school with a deer rifle resting in the rifle rack of our barely running beater trucks during deer season. This was normal behavior in MANY families. These days, if you yell at your kids an the neighbor calls the police, expect a visit from CPS.
Am I advocating leaving welts, bruises, etc from corporal punishment? HELLS NO! But those of us born in the era pre-cable tv(LOL) would have been raised by foster parents, since most of our would have been locked up by today's standards. One of the therapists came out from the PTSD clinic we worked at in Alaska and had a look of disbelief on his face. He came in, closed the door, poured a cup of joe, and said something that will stick with me......."If it weren't for the sins of dysfunctional families, we couldn't maintain an all-volunteer military." In NO way am I saying he is correct, or that his opinion applies to everyone, but I had seriously damaged people of all ranks and ages come in wondering why they feel broken.
Leaders, get to know your subordinates. Look out for your leaders as well. There is help out there. Mental health care outside of the service can be EXTREMELY expensive. Leaders, go to the mental health offces and ask to get a briefing of their services. During safety stand downs, coordinate with mental health and have your key leaders attend a brief. It will pay off. Many of your "headaches" can be fixed by sending them for a quick intake assessment.
If you don't seek help, you are stating that you CHOOSE to live in the situation you currently find yourself in. Look out for each other. These are the people who watch your back. V/R, Uncle Mark.

Response by SGM Erik Marquez made Mar 19 at 2015 4:16 PM

2015-03-19T16:16:23-04:00

Wow, interesting question that requires one to take an introspective look at oneself and past.

Response by 1SG Private RallyPoint Member made Mar 19 at 2015 4:48 PM

2015-03-19T16:48:57-04:00

I pray that my children try to emulate me. I am self-aware, so spotting them making my mistakes makes it that much easier to guide them through it.
Very few things make me prouder as a father than when my kids do something like I do.

Response by CPT Richard Riley made Mar 19 at 2015 5:04 PM

2015-03-19T17:04:02-04:00

I'm unclear why so many appear to embrace 'different' as better? Different can mean a lot of things, but better or improved are not two of them. Depending on your age, the decade span that you grew up in denotes a tremendous amount about what shaped you as a person. Definitions for many of the "parenting" staples have morphed or evolved with culture pressure and the times. It, most often, does not mean the same thing today that it meant during that time.
So in a way, we are attempting to compare apples to oranges to bananas to grapes and yet somehow relate them in the same manor. It happens in sports comparisons all the time - who is the best _____ who ever played? Data and statistics are unable to tell the whole story. The same is true in this parenting comparison. It is almost impossible to compare parenting then and now, much less measure our parenting skills and outcomes against our biased and skewed view of how our parents did in the same scenario.
The best I can do is endeavor to be a good parent to my kids (all seven of them), set an example they can embrace and look up to, permit them to see that mistakes can be made but efforts to correct them are honest and forthright, and above all love them unconditionally.
This is not a new struggle, and there is no end in sight. EVERY parent will face this issue and there will be as many answers to it as there are parents.

Response by SFC Collin McMillion made Mar 19 at 2015 5:14 PM

2015-03-19T17:14:21-04:00

I guess I am either very lucky, or very strange. After the military and police work, something happened to my mind that caused me really not to pass much of what I learned and lived through with my parents, especially the bad, on to my children.

Response by Cpl Jeff N. made Mar 19 at 2015 6:32 PM

2015-03-19T18:32:12-04:00

The acorn seldom falls far from the tree. Most of us while knowingly or not have a lot of our parents in us unless, of course, they were not around. I always hope my kids get my better traits and leave the ones I am less happy about behind. I see me in them sometimes and it is always a little concerning. I have an edge that I hope they do not get.

My oldest son decided to join the Marines quite unexpectedly. That is how you know your influence may be deeper than you think. He said he would not join the military then did and joined the Marines, did a tour in Afghanistan and served honorably.

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Mar 19 at 2015 6:33 PM

2015-03-19T18:33:47-04:00

I try to act much differently from my parents, but I do find myself acting just like my mother at times. I have much love and respect for both, but my father is a workaholic, with no time for family, and my mother is rather critical and over bearing with her demeanor. Sometimes controlling. Now that I have my own child I try not to be like that. I want discipline and order in his life, but I also want him to be self sufficient, and confident. I want him to follow his dreams without me being so nit-picky about everything he does, but know to always maintain his integrity when doing so. It's a challenge. You want them to have freedom, yet have order all at the same time.

Response by PFC Nathaniel Thedford made Mar 19 at 2015 7:52 PM

2015-03-19T19:52:39-04:00

Where to start..

My parents divorced when I was three years old and I lived with my father until I was 11 and then moved to my mother's home and lived with her until I joined the Army. They were two very different people. My Mom was into partying, drugs, and biker gang parties and my Dad was a man that was always very serious about money and worked hard to earn it and save it.

Both of my parents were abusive so I naturally had an abusive trait within me and the older I got, the more angry and abusive I became. I also struggled with drugs as a teenager and in my 20's after I got out of the Army at 24. Both of these issues I had to address and after I beat my addictions and addictive nature, I still struggled with anger. I ended up going to jail for an battery charge and just recently graduated a Veteran's Court program because of that. It was a year long program full of groups and classes at the VA and I still go to classes and doubt I will stop because it is what keeps me grounded.

It has been hard not trying to act out the negative traits acquired through my parents but it is not impossible. I am not into dedicating my life to making money as my father was because now that's all he really has, none of his children really come to visit him and because I take care of my Mom now he wants nothing to do with me. My father did instill hard working ethics in me and I am forever grateful for that and my Mom used drugs to hide depression she struggles with but she has one of the biggest hearts and I do as well.

Even though my Parents and myself have messed up in life, does not mean that I do not love them still for who they are and does not mean I am not worth being loved either. I have a Daughter that is going to turn 2 y.o. in August and it is because of her that I never give up trying to better myself. I tried for my parents and that never worked, I tried for myself but I was willing to die in combat so I never had much self worth; however, when my Daughter was born - it changed everything.

Sorry to rant but thanks for allowing me to share.

Response by SGT Marika Waiters made Mar 19 at 2015 8:29 PM

2015-03-19T20:29:27-04:00

Ironically, I recently blogged about this! https://isayphreakythings.wordpress.com/2015/03/12/do-we-all-turn-into-our-parents/

Do we all turn into our parents?

Recently had an interesting Skype with my mom, who's in Germany. A friend of mine, who is visiting Germany, stopped by to meet her so we had a little group Skype. I asked my mom to tell some storie...

Response by CW5 Private RallyPoint Member made Mar 19 at 2015 8:33 PM

2015-03-19T20:33:53-04:00

The Cat's in the Cradle, CW2 Joseph Evans:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KUwjNBjqR-c

Cats In The Cradle-Harry Chapin

Cats In The Cradle-Harry Chapin My child arrived just the other day He came to the world in the usual way But there were planes to catch and bills to pay He ...

Response by CH (CPT) Heather Davis made Mar 19 at 2015 9:36 PM

2015-03-19T21:36:58-04:00

Chief: I went through a year of intense group therapy to be a Hospital Chaplain, and the fact that I stayed away from alcohol and left my family setting at 17 years old. I was very intentional with who I associated with. It was vital that the people I associated with had a moral compass. I utilized my childhood map and went the polar opposite.

Response by Cpl Brett Wagner made Mar 19 at 2015 11:40 PM

2015-03-19T23:40:52-04:00

Outstanding thank you brother

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Mar 21 at 2015 6:24 PM

2015-03-21T18:24:26-04:00

Awesome thread. I hope that others who are struggling read it, and understand that this is an issue that most of us understand. Thank you for posting this. The past is part of us and we are so reluctant to discuss it.