Temper from PTSD - need advice!

SSG Jeremy Siebenaller — Sun, 06 Jul 2014 00:19:32 -0400

Trying to teach my boy to ride his bike today. I pushed him down a grassy hill much like my father would have done with me. He fell (of course). Got up and was crying. Now please fellas don't judge me. I come here confidently looking for help. My Temper (derived from large problems with PTSD) took hold. I went from the loving helping understanding father that I am, to a name calling agree and somewhat violent person. This isn't who I am but the more and more it goes on and the more help that I get, I feel like this is the route that I find myself traveling down! This scares me, not only because this is my son...but this is my best friend in the world. Its not that its him, its that I find myself falling to violence more and more recently. I've been to the VA with no help given. I've talked to my extremely understanding wife and she helps me out tremendously...but I feel it deep down inside and I am afraid its going to get out of hand and the net time it isn't going to be a little temper tantrum. Some one please help me out! Advice is needed!!! I'm just a regular guy that wants a regular life!!!

Response by PO1 Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 6 at 2014 1:04 AM

PO1 Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 06 Jul 2014 01:04:35 -0400

OUCH!

First of all - you're not alone. PTSD comes forth when it comes forth. You recognize it, you see the results when your "PTSD face" comes out and how it affects you, your children, your familiy and the family dynamic. You are concerned about the future. These are good things! Knowing you have a problem is only part of the process. Trust me, if you don't continue to get help for the issue it will NOT get better - you will simply bottle it up and at some point we will be reading about you in the newpaper in horrifying detail.

Discovering what your triggers are is a never ending process. Even today, I'm finding new things that cause my panic attacks and my violent urges - over 30 years after the fact. My bottling up things cost me a good marriage and certainly did no favors to my career.

Now...enough about me....you say you've been to the VA and no help. I would like to hear more - so, talk to me, privately if you feel it's necessary. I sense there's more......

Response by CMDCM Gene Treants made Jul 6 at 2014 1:25 PM

CMDCM Gene Treants — Sun, 06 Jul 2014 13:25:51 -0400

SSG Jeremy Siebenaller PO1 Medley is right on with his advice. In addition, I do not know what your County Mental Health Offices look like or how they work there, but that is a resource often overlooked. If nothing else they may be able to offer a referral to a qualified Counselor or Doctor in your area.

Talking in groups always seems to help also. VFW, as stated is a good option, or other Vets groups. If you drink, and have a problem with alcohol (I am shooting in the dark here) you may find AA to be a great help also. Al Anon is for people who have had alcohol affect their lives (Parents and/or others in your life with alcohol problems?) Many times alcohol and PTSD go together so well the areas get clouded. But, talking to others is always good therapy.

Best of luck. You have received some great coaching so the ball is in your court. Run with it my friend.

Response by Col Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 6 at 2014 3:15 PM

Col Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 06 Jul 2014 15:15:39 -0400

I second Major Petrarca's response in encouraging you to look outside the military medical system. As much as it pains me to admit it, I have first hand experience to the lack of ability or diligence in their capabilities to handle patients with PTSD. As many have said already in this thread, good on you for recognizing and seeking help. That is a huge first step. I would maybe also encourage a civilian counselor, chaplain, social worker, American Legion, VFW, etc. In the mean time, recognize your triggers, step back when you notice them, and take some time to decompress on your own. Unfortunately, kids don't always understand what you are going through, and they will learn to emulate what you are doing.
Lastly, keep your head up and think positive. You are one of us and we are family. When one hurts, we all hurt!
I will be keeping you in my thoughts brother!

Response by 1LT Shawn McCarthy made Jul 6 at 2014 6:04 PM

1LT Shawn McCarthy — Sun, 06 Jul 2014 18:04:36 -0400

Parenting is tough when we have all our wits about us, and damn near impossible when we don't.
I don't have the answers or any good advice.

But I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

Response by LCpl Steve Wininger made Jul 6 at 2014 7:38 PM

LCpl Steve Wininger — Sun, 06 Jul 2014 19:38:59 -0400

I will definitely be praying for you and your family Jeremy. There is not a lot that I can add that hasn't already been suggested.

Just know you are never alone. Although I do not suffer with PTSD, nor do I totally understand it, I do understand your frustration. I have suffered with severe depression and anxiety most of my life and can relate to your frustrations. If you ever want to talk private message me and I will give you my number.

Response by SFC Mark Merino made Sep 26 at 2014 6:33 AM

SFC Mark Merino — Fri, 26 Sep 2014 06:33:32 -0400

How are things going for you these days SSG Jeremy Siebenaller ?

Response by SPC David Shaffer made Sep 26 at 2014 9:26 AM

SPC David Shaffer — Fri, 26 Sep 2014 09:26:12 -0400

The meds I take handle the symptoms to some extent but I have found that meditation really helps. A book I recommend your reading is "Train Your Mind, Change Your Brain" From Mind and Life XII: Neuroplasticity: The Neuronal Substrates of Learning and Transformation. This book is an amazing source of information on the benefits of meditation. Hope this helps!

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Sep 26 at 2014 10:27 AM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 26 Sep 2014 10:27:21 -0400

You have recieved alot of good advice from everyone on this. I can say that my experience with PTSD has been ruff as well but after almost 2yrs of talking with a couselor and continued medication to help with the anxiety I am getting better at getting through my days without having issues. I would encourage you to continue to push tha VA for help they have been flooded with requests from people that may not need to be there so it takes some time to get the help that you need but once you are able to get it you will be glad that you did. In the mean time look for the help that you need outside the VA and keep receipts so that you might be able to get some of the money back. Once you do start coouseling make sure you give it time to work and go into it with an open mind and be honest with the person you are talking with. It will make you feel better and it will allow them to help more. If you do not feel comfortable talking with the first or second couselor keep looking for one that you can be comfortable with. Like Maj Petrarca said I felt the most comfortable talking to a woman I think they they tend to be more empathetic than men and we as men do not like to look weak infront of other men.
If they put you on medication TAKE IT! To many of my friends that have gotten out then saught help and they refuse to take the meds that they are given. The medication once it is dialed in for you helps but it takes time to work and to get it dialed in. Make sure you take it as they tell you to and tell them if it is having side effects or if it works to well so that they can adjust the dosage for you. I am currently on sevral different pills a day and when I forget it is noticable with in 24 hrs so they do work. I hate taking them but to have my family not be terrified of me and to be able to go to walmart with out a panic attack from the crowds is worth it.
I hope this helps and if you need someone to talk to feel free to contact me at [login to see] .mil or [login to see] and I will give you a call.

Response by SGT Ben Keen made Sep 29 at 2014 2:48 PM

SGT Ben Keen — Mon, 29 Sep 2014 14:48:28 -0400

I have been there and done that too SSG Jeremy Siebenaller! I'm the father of two kids myself, my son is 9 years old and my daughter is 8 years old. As every other parent before me and those that will follow me, I found raising kids isn't all fun all the times. My kids do things that test me and could stress me out.

I wish I could give you some great piece of advice that you can take and correct the issue with your temper but I can only tell you what I do. When I feel things getting closer to out of control, I normally sit down and try to collect myself. If my son or daughter are doing something stressing me out, I sit him or her down and I sit down. After things calm down, the biggest thing I do is give them a hug and remind them that I love them if when they stress me out.

Life with PTSD is no fun that is for sure and I truly hope you are able to find a way to combat these temper tantrums. If you ever need to vent or whatever, shoot me a message, I'm willing to listen.

Response by SPC David S. made Sep 29 at 2014 7:34 PM

SPC David S. — Mon, 29 Sep 2014 19:34:36 -0400

SSG Jeremy Siebenaller kudos to you for seeking help on RP. As you probably already know the guys and gals here on RP are with you and are willing to help. I know of one organization that may be able to offer you and your family professional counseling for free. Please get in touch with The Soldier's Project as they not only offer help for the service member regardless of discharge family members can take advantage as well. Unfortunately violence is part of how PTSD can manifest itself. As to addressing it pay careful attention as to what sets you off. I know this is a difficult topic but here on RP I feel that there is an open door policy when it comes to PTSD. If you need to talk or need help we are here for you brother. Stay strong!

http://www.thesoldiersproject.org/about-us/chapters/

Response by COL Private RallyPoint Member made Sep 29 at 2014 7:58 PM

COL Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 29 Sep 2014 19:58:43 -0400

SSG Siebenaller, I don't have PTSD...so take this with a grain of salt. A lot of people have talked about getting help here, and you absolutely should follow that advice. I will however say that I am a naturally violent person. Comes from my upbringing. I grew up rough until I got into high school and college. I'm not your typical upper-middle class bred officer. I have a grand propensity for violence...and it is my first and natural reaction...to darn near anything. Until I looked at myself and said that to myself. Then, and only then, could I mitigate it. The fact that you realize there is an issue is huge. The fact that you don't like it is huge. From a guy who used to break things when he was angry, I'll tell you that it IS what you are now. It's a part of you. Admit it and then seek the help you need. Some can do it just by knowing that its something they don't want to be and others need some more assistance. Never stop working at it. It has taken me over 20 years to find peace with my demons.

Response by MAJ Jim Woods made Sep 30 at 2014 3:36 PM

MAJ Jim Woods — Tue, 30 Sep 2014 15:36:10 -0400

It took me over 30 years to figure out that my short temper and lack of tolerance was an issue related to PTSD. I wrecked a marriage, lost jobs, and was generally unpleasant to be around.

Due to issues at work, I went (was sent) to a private counselor (Employee Assistance Program) and she diagnosed me with PTSD. Then I was able to go through Military Order of the Purple Heart and they got me into the VA system. American Legion, VFW, and MOPH can all help you with the filing and they have advocates who's purpose is to get us into the system.

In Idaho, we have Veterans Service Representatives in every county that also can help.

I hope this is helpful to you. I really do feel your pain.

Response by SSG Pete Fleming made Oct 5 at 2014 5:05 PM

SSG Pete Fleming — Sun, 05 Oct 2014 17:05:16 -0400

SSG Jeremy Siebenaller, how are you making out? Things gotten better?

Response by SrA Marc Haynes made Oct 5 at 2014 5:33 PM

SrA Marc Haynes — Sun, 05 Oct 2014 17:33:20 -0400

There is a professor at the university where I work that did some research regarding people in the military. I will post the article tomorrow if I still have it @ work.

His research should that those of us that in the military were more aggressive than those who had not. Which makes sense to me because we joined a warrior culture. I think this becomes amplified if in a combat area & even more if part of combat action.

I was never in combat so you can either accept or not accept my words but I do agree with the theory that the military does make you more aggressive. It did for me at least.

I used to react much

Response by SSG Maurice P. made Oct 5 at 2014 5:58 PM

SSG Maurice P. — Sun, 05 Oct 2014 17:58:21 -0400

MY BROTHER EVERYDAY I FIGHT THAT MONSTER, I DONT KNOW WHAT TO TELL YOU THAT WILL HELP YOU CONTROL IT, I KNOW WITH ME IM DOING ALOT BETTER THAN WHEN I WAS STILL IN THE MILITARY RIGHT AFTER I GOT BACK FROM IRAQ, BUT I LASH OUT SOMETIMES.
FOR ME I WORK WITH LIFE SENTENCE CONVICTED FELONS I CAN TO A CERTAIN DEGREE VENT I'VE GONE OFF ON THE WHOLE DORM BEFORE I KNOW ITS SUICIDE 96 TO 1 IM IN CHARGE OF 4 DORMS SO IF IM OUTSIDE AND VENT THAT IS CLOSE TO 4 HUNDRED CONVICTS AND ONLY ABOUT 5 OF US OFFICERS...MY ADVICE WOULD BE TO THINK IT THRU WHEN YOU GET TO THAT BOILING POINT TRY TO FOCUS ANDNOT LET IT RUN YOU I KNOW THAT IS EASIER SAID THAN DONE BUT I DONT HAVE ROAD RAGE ANYMORE I TOOK CARE OF IT BEFORE I GOT KILLED...I LIKE YOU SURVIVED COMBAT JUST TO COME HOME AND DIE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD BECAUSE OF SOME IDIOT THAT DOESNT THINK WHILE HE DRIVES I HAD TO REALLY COME TO TERMS WITH THAT...I HOPE YOU GET HELP FROM SOMEBODY OR MAYBE YOU JUST NEED TO RELAX AND GO FISHING WITH YOUR SON MORE OFTEN AND NOT BE IN STRESSFUL ENVIORNMENTS AS MUCH BUT ALWAYS TRY TO DO THE RIGHT THING MY BROTHER OUR LOVED ONES DEPEND ON IT...

Response by SGT Richard H. made Oct 5 at 2014 6:54 PM

SGT Richard H. — Sun, 05 Oct 2014 18:54:48 -0400

SSG Jeremy Siebenaller First and foremost, you have to learn to control it. Yes, I know that may be massively oversimplifying it, but that's the deal. How to do that is a whole other set of problems, but your post tells me that you know it has to be done. Maybe VA can help with some counseling, or maybe even private health insurance. Hell, find yourself a local VFW and just talk to other vets....whatever works for you. I know I've had some temper flares that I have felt terrible about. Thankfully, never enough to lay a hand on my daughter (beyond some well deserved spankings when she was younger). She also happens to be the center of my universe, just like I know that your son is yours. What has worked for me is the simplest thing in the world: I learned to keep my mouth shut and walk away for a couple of minutes, then come back and deal with the issue....sending her to a corner (when she was younger) or her room until I had a minute to get hold of myself...things like that. As the saying goes, cooler heads prevail. Different things work for different people. You just have to find what works for you. One more thing: If you twist off at some point, never, ever think that it's bad to apologize and explain yourself. That shows you are a man who can step up and admit when he's wrong....but also don't let your son off the hook if he was wrong too. He needs to learn to be that same kind of man.

I kind of rambled on a bit here...I hope I managed to say something useful.

Response by SrA Marc Haynes made Oct 6 at 2014 8:24 AM

SrA Marc Haynes — Mon, 06 Oct 2014 08:24:28 -0400

Here is the article that I was speaking of yesterday.

https://news.wustl.edu/news/Pages/23381.aspx

SSG Jeremy Siebenaller raising kids in todays society is difficult beyond a doubt. I have a 16 son that I am teaching to drive (wait until you hit that milestone). Every parent has made mistakes, anyone that says they haven't is a liar.

You have been given a lot of great advice on here from people that have experienced what you are going through. I suffer from PTSD from a non combat issue and I can tell you that the person (psychologist) that helped me work through mine was not associated with the VA. Also it was not a quick fix so take it easy on yourself. See if there are support groups near you as well, if not start one.

You are in my thoughts.

Military service changes personality, makes vets less agreeable | Newsroom | Washington...

For 24-hour-a-day media assistance, or to schedule an expert for interview using our free T.V. & radio studio, please contact us.

Response by SSG John Erny made Oct 6 at 2014 1:34 PM

SSG John Erny — Mon, 06 Oct 2014 13:34:15 -0400

Go get some help please, trust me, it is worth it.

Response by 1SG Harold Piet made Oct 6 at 2014 3:36 PM

1SG Harold Piet — Mon, 06 Oct 2014 15:36:29 -0400

SSG Jeremy Sienbenaller, I too have suffered fits of anger for no good reason, after my children were grown and I retired from the Army, I went to work for a very good company, they had a psychiatrist on retainer. He gave some very good advice for people like you and I. Unfortunately for my children it was too late. He said there are things that we will allow and things that we will not allow our children to do and also some things that they can do in some places but not other places. Our anger runs from a 1 -10 level, 1 is when we are relaxed with iced tea and watching the clouds go by with a loved one, where ten is the level we have committed assault or murder. The key is to deal with your children at the low levels of anger and not to let it get in the higher area. Kids will whine and argue to get what they want but it is better to discipline them for arguing or whining while you are at a level 3 or 4 than to try to deal with the issue when you are at 5 or above. If you would like to talk respond and I will give you my cell number to call me. You and your family deserve to be happy together no matter what the rest of the world is doing. God Bless and Take care

Response by SGT Michael Epstein made Oct 6 at 2014 6:41 PM

SGT Michael Epstein — Mon, 06 Oct 2014 18:41:55 -0400

Sgt Eppy here, and Sgt Richard Hanner's room mate... I have 3 kids all under 14 and I have PTSD. I have gone to the Vet Center for counseling, it is not a fast and easy fix Jeremy, I am still not fixed, but when I feel the flare up of anger I walk off, and I go and allow myself to feel it.... all of our emotions are tied up into our physical selves at the same time, our hormones pump to fuel the actions that we FEEL. I hope you can find some peace brother, your kid will be ok, and your wife is supporting you.... good lucj

Response by PO2 Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 31 at 2014 11:59 PM

PO2 Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 31 Oct 2014 23:59:53 -0400

Lately my anger rom P.T.S.D. has gotten worse. I'm told, I'm ( was a ) Corpsman, you can't tare care of your self, it's patients ( brothers, and sisters), for. A part of me died when I could not be active anymore. I hear, just e-mail me.

Response by LCpl Terrance Kuehner made Nov 2 at 2014 11:33 AM

LCpl Terrance Kuehner — Sun, 02 Nov 2014 11:33:31 -0500

Jeremy, Hi bro I don't know how much this will help you or not but I know living in the civilian world is hard enough without adding to it , I've talked to some of my Marine Corps. brother's returning home to the same problems their friends and family thing they are being mean but they just don't realize that this is the way we were trained to respond to things it will help you to connect other military members and talk to them about everything , it takes time to adjust and it will get better with time.

Response by MSgt Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 20 at 2016 11:49 AM

MSgt Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 20 Apr 2016 11:49:14 -0400

Brother, anytime you are dealing with your loved ones take a few seconds and breath. Just breath. When you see your child in pain or embarrassed take a second and breath. Next, fix the problem. Sometimes all it takes is a hug or positive words. If you ever need to talk Message me and we will go from there.

Response by SPC Paul Davis made Sep 7 at 2017 9:07 PM

SPC Paul Davis — Thu, 07 Sep 2017 21:07:44 -0400

You are not alone brother. I myself have done the same with my 4 kids. It hurts inside knowing we aren't like that normally. Already you know something isn't right. Don't give up brother. I can't seem to get the needed help to get the va to recognize my ptsd symtons. Just handed mood meds. Stay connected to military members/veterans we've been there done that were others cant relate. Best wishes. You can get through anything. Because you survived basic. :)

Response by PO1 Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 15 at 2019 2:07 AM

PO1 Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 15 Apr 2019 02:07:23 -0400

When I was raising a son I was just past the height of my initial PTSD, and I was staying home because my wife was then a Navy nurse and had only 6 weeks off. I had anger that I would bottle up and my son would not usually see. When I couldn't hold it in and did anything malicious, like yell at him, or start to drive the car away with him outside, I soon felt awful. I did what I now know I should have done. I told him I should not have done that because there are better ways, and sometimes said I was sorry. It worked, he did not get away with much. He came to understand I had a problem and was otherwise a great father.
Later I learned more about being patient with myself, and continued to get therapy through civilian sources - I had bad luck with initial VA contacts. Eventually though most people thought I was not an angry person, I enrolled in a VA anger management group in Denver, and it turned out to be great. It is easier to look at and think of alternatives to acting out of anger if you are in a group learning it is not a sign of being a bad person, just that your reactiveness has to be understood and habits changed through noticing how you and those around you feel.
It's not sometime you can read about and do for yourself - or very difficult.
In the meantime perhaps there is someone who can serve as a friend to call, who is less judgemental about anger than you are towards yourself. If you can't find a group in the VA, there are some other free to veteran services such as a large group of therapists around the country that sets aside some time for Vets. http://www.giveanhour.org/
Good luck!
Dan

Give an Hour

Free mental health services for the military community & other populations. Lead organization for The Campaign to Change Direction.