Thoughts on my OCS Essay?

Rahul M — Thu, 01 Feb 2024 14:11:14 -0500

Hello,
Hope everyone is doing well through the cold months. My recruiter is new to OCS applications (I am his first OCS applicant) and he isn't too familiar with the expected essay contents aside from formatting, so I was hoping I could get some feedback on my Officer Essay:

Navigating the crossroads of my Indian heritage and American upbringing, I've cultivated a unique perspective which positions me to effectively lead with empathy and strategic foresight. Each step, imbued with lessons of resilience, empathy, and unyielding commitment, has galvanized my resolve to serve as an Army officer, where I can channel these experiences into fostering excellence within my fellow soldiers. My journey has been shaped by numerous challenges, including moments of profound defeat. However, I have strove daily to forge myself into a better man. My successes up until now have been hard-fought, and that is my greatest pride. I sincerely believe that these experiences have prepared me for the rigors and responsibilities of a leadership role in the Army, where I aim to be a beacon of guidance and selfless service within this esteemed institution.

As an assistant manager at a bustling Italian restaurant, I honed my leadership abilities in a demanding environment. Managing the store, taking orders, delegating tasks to employees, coordinating delivery routes, and troubleshooting hardware and software issues were all part of my daily responsibilities. There were 12 hour shifts that were spent entirely on my feet, moving from one task to another. Balancing this role while attending college, I learned the importance of adaptability, effective time management, and how to make critical decisions under pressure. Additionally, my involvement in the Rutgers Undergraduate Student Alliance of Computer Scientists greatly influenced my passion for leadership. I contributed to Hacker hours biweekly and led a group on the side where we worked on various programming and cybersecurity projects. This experience in managing complex projects and guiding a team helped to further develop my leadership and technical skills.

My volunteer work with The American Cancer Society, particularly in the Making Strides Against Breast Cancer campaign, has ingrained a profound sense of service and empathy within me. This cause had a deep personal connection due to my mother's battle with cancer, which she waged valiantly. I never had the privilege of knowing her as I grew up, but she still passed on her fighting spirit to me. As I volunteered, I engaged in fundraising, coordination, and serving as the event photographer and editor. Working alongside and in service of people who continue to fight and overcome monumental odds helped put my personal challenges into perspective, strengthened both my compassion and my fierce resolve.

While in OCS, and when I become an officer, I will ensure that I do my best to lift up my fellow soldiers, first and foremost. I believe that a true leader is one that facilitates the success of those around them. I am driven by this commitment to leadership, dedication to service, and an ambition to positively impact the lives of soldiers and the broader community. I am eager to bring my experiences and skills to the Army, ready to face the challenges and embrace the responsibilities that come with this honorable role.

Thanks for reading. One thing I was unsure of is whether I should explicitly state that I graduated from Rutgers with a B.S. in Computer Science. I thought that it would be implied that I was a computer science student because I mentioned the Rutgers CS club I was a part of.
Thanks for your time.

Response by MSG Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 1 at 2024 2:21 PM

MSG Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 01 Feb 2024 14:21:16 -0500

Nicely written. One refinement recommendation. Instead of "lift up my fellow soldiers..." just have "lift my fellow soldiers."

However, the one thing I am not seeing really, is WHY you want to become an Officer in the US Army. You talked about aspects and characteristics of what a Leader should have, and you talked about this is driving you but your words merely encompassed a sentence or two about why....and even then it was a tad vague for me. You talked quite a bit, in detail, about your experiences that could help you, but what I would like to see is how your past experiences will help the Army and what is driving you to wanting to be an Officer.

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made Feb 1 at 2024 5:44 PM

MAJ Ken Landgren — Thu, 01 Feb 2024 17:44:56 -0500

Way too long. Be more succinct. You will have to write the essay at the local board.

Response by MAJ Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 1 at 2024 9:46 PM

MAJ Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 01 Feb 2024 21:46:07 -0500

The boards that I have been on asked for an essay on why they wanted to be an officer. Your essay reads more like a resume of skills that you have acquired. Did someone inspire you? Are you following in a family tradition? Why do you want to commision in the military?

Response by SSG Brian L. made Feb 3 at 2024 7:12 PM

SSG Brian L. — Sat, 03 Feb 2024 19:12:13 -0500

Why is Indian heritage relevant? Personally, I would stick to what you bring to the table and less of the American Idol heart string tug type of stuff. On my board I literally watched others write similar stuff and not get selected. Of course, this may or may not have been the reason for my selection versus their non selection. Focus on why you want to serve and be an Officer and also, what can you offer to enhance the Army. I would take my advice with a grain of salt and just consider mine and the others advice and go with what you feel is right and genuine to you. Good luck and hope to hear more from you and your success.

Response by COL Dan Ruder made Feb 4 at 2024 12:46 AM

COL Dan Ruder — Sun, 04 Feb 2024 00:46:59 -0500

Rahul M, the essay's current tone reflects a college graduate level, but I believe you could convey the same message more succinctly; by about 200 fewer words.

Word choice, structure, and style. Using the first paragraph as an example and keeping the first sentence, the remaining 110 words could be reduced to just 45 words. E.g., "Fueled by resilience and an unwavering commitment, I am driven to serve as an Army officer, channeling my experiences to foster excellence among my fellow soldiers. Despite facing significant challenges and moments of defeat, I continuously strive for personal growth, finding pride in hard-fought successes." Recommend that you rely on words and phrases that are used in ordinary everyday language and that convey exactly what you mean. Aiming to become "a beacon of guidance" is not an engaging metaphor (slightly poetic actually) and is not needed to convey your thesis.

Your essay is about why you want to become an officer, but have you thought about why you want to be a Soldier? I feel like I wanted to read that in your essay. I'm betting that if you were able to weave that personal aspect of yourself into why you want to become an officer it could enable the reader to connect with you on a personal level too. We're all Soldiers, regardless of rank.

Lastly, if you have a diploma from Rutgers in CS then it will be included in your application packet and the panel members will be able to review your transcripts. Therefore you do not have to imply anything about your academics nor do you have to repeat any facts that are already included in your packet.

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made Feb 5 at 2024 10:59 AM

MAJ Ken Landgren — Mon, 05 Feb 2024 10:59:01 -0500

The military writing style is based on simplicity and bottom line up front. This means putting the most important information at the start. Find around 3 talking points to build your paragraph.

For example - I will make significant contributions as an army officer because I will create a positive culture which encompasses: Mission accomplishment. Training completed to standards. Taking care of soldiers and families. Team building. Army values.

Use active as opposed to passive style of writing. For example:
- I will ensure the unit has a good culture. (Passive)
- I will create a positive culture. (Active)

I will wait for your redo.

Response by Sgt Michael Lane made Feb 8 at 2024 7:56 PM

Sgt Michael Lane — Thu, 08 Feb 2024 19:56:53 -0500

Brevity is key! Chronological, succint, bullet points and high points. KISS principle!

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 13 at 2024 9:26 AM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 13 Feb 2024 09:26:31 -0500

First, the essay is not a deal breaker. Your clearance and you still have to get through Basic. I would make it fun. Give the board something they would enjoy reading. Think outside the box. Talk about how a crazy TikTok or r/army reddit post inspired you to join or make things better.

Response by CPT Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 19 at 2024 11:45 PM

CPT Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 19 Feb 2024 23:45:54 -0500

I cant believe people still attempt to go OCS. OCS is the most corrupt thing in the US Army. I lost everything because I had an OCS "commander" that decided to agree with the platoon TAC who made up a story that I went to some girl's house, who was in my training unit (that I did not know personally) and who was in a different state halfway across the USA at the time and who decided to give a "no contact" order to specifying "both on duty and off duty" in writing. Of course I let that TAC and the "commander" Mr. Carl Bergaman know that that order was not abke to be followed in any sense of the word and the Batallion EEOC agreed. Did not matter though. After graduation e went to our respective OBCs and when I got to mine at Fort Sill, I was told I was neither an officer nor in the military. Long story short,this went to court twice. Once when I sued the girl that decided to agree with the platoon TAC saying I went halfway across the USA just to go to her house which I had no idea where she lived at the time, nor did I care (which when we put her family that was at "her house" on the stand they ALL stated that not one person saw me or anything belonging to me within that time frame). All in the official transcript. Second time was when the Board of Denial of the US Army decided to ignore the lies. My Myers, my attorney at the time brought it to DC where he said that the US Army attempted to separated me under enlisted regulations and a straight violation of the APA. Found out something that day. Found out that the US Army doesnt have to listen to a Court's opinion. So I wrote my names named non-fiction book about it. My advice is: if you want a career in the US Military don't risk it by going through OCS. You may lose everything like I did because someone did not "like" you.

Response by SFC Keith Gardner made Apr 2 at 2024 7:41 AM

SFC Keith Gardner — Tue, 02 Apr 2024 07:41:10 -0400

Being a Soldier is about service to the nation. A list of skills and qualifications doesn’t make you a leader in the U.S. Army. You lead off with your Indian heritage— do you want to give back to the nation? I’d suggest reading 6-22, the Army Leadership Handbook. I’d also read an autobiography of an Army officer that you respect. Whatever you’ve accomplished in civilian life pales to what will be expected of you as a commissioned officer in the United States Army. Selfless service, moral and ethical courage, integrity and exemplary character are essential qualities in making you leader — Mission first, Soldiers always. Lastly, make sure that you always capitalize “Soldier” and “Army” in your essay. They’re considered proper nouns. Good luck.

Response by PFC Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 23 at 2024 3:50 PM

PFC Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 23 Apr 2024 15:50:32 -0400

As a future student, this information is very useful to me. I know how difficult it is for students to write essays. That is why I have already found Finance Yahoo - Pay for essay online http://finance.yahoo.com/news/pay-essay-top-5-safe-105019899.html that can be useful for me. And whenever I have difficulties in writing I can ask for help.

Pay for essay: Top-5 safe services for college students

When you feel fed up with your curriculum, you may find it tempting to pay for essay writing and get all papers done. What services are risk-free choices?