We all play a role in preventing suicide. How will you REACH to your peers, family, and community?

PO2 Lawrence Janiec

Dreams at 18

Graduated High School varsity athlete dreamt of going from an e1 to officer so I enlisted in a program that recruited such an opportunity in 1994

I dreamt of having a great lover and friend and was engaged by 19 to a beautiful 18 year old girl


I dreamt of being a great American with my own family great husband and children

I dreamt of be a great big brother

I dreamt of being a great big son to my mom

I dreamt of being the best Navy guy there had ever been or at least 1 of them

Dreams lost by 22 to save myself I attempted a Navy Army Transfer that was medically disqualified {20 years later found out through FOIA was for 3 separate medical conditions}



Dreams lost My fiancé left, my relationships with family were altered, I dropped out of college, I just waited till the enlistment was up

My dreams referenced above were destroyed

PO3 Aaron Hassay - Thank you for clarification. The reason I was unclear is because I couldn't figure out how dreams could kill themselves. In your case, your dreams were taken from you by others, so they were murdered, not suicide. I didn't mean for you to bring up your own painful loss of dreams, and for that I apologize and am truly sorry. But (again) your dreams didn't kill themselves, they were murdered by other people. That is why I was unclear.

But after your reply, I see that did not mean it in a negative way. Or rather, not in a way that counteracted what was being said. I am glad that you persevered after all of that. I won't share my story, but just know that a few of the things you said resonate with me, even if they are different in how they were unique to my situation and not yours.

Again, I am glad you persevered.

PO2 Lawrence Janiec - Thanks for inquiring and letting me sort of rattle of things. It sort of becomes more clear. But regardless it is nice to hear other stories to see how I may not of been alone. Differences certainly will be there. So if you chose to share then I will definitely read.

I talk of suicide only because I have been in suicide 5150's, never wanting to talk about 1 day of my enlistment, trying to forget, after my enlistment ended.

For me, it is really hard to talk that others destroyed my dreams.

I operated like I was the only one with requirements in my enlistment at 18. It was not like I knew what the requirements were of the those senior to me especially in medical administration of treatment or disability benefits. A 18 year old it going to take the worst and try to make a castle.

I talk because well it would be nice to see where others have responsibility in the system we operated in. So now I read their rate manuals and have found many requirements of administration. So in-fact it is true others had responsibility's and requirements in my leadership and chain of command.

It my case it was in my view just oversight or negligence by others to do their job to protect other service members with medical issues documented. But in-fact yes there were multiple times in service that I was tagged with medical issues that were never given treatment. There were multiple different leaders who comprised of my leadership. No one would do 1 thing that would save me or my benefits associated to these medical issues. I was sort of that silent guy who silently suffers. But my records are so full of medical documents it is just insane that no one would actually treat me or activate benefits for these medical conditions.

The body and mind is amazing and recovery is possible with gods grace and good nutrition and therapies I have found. For me it a daily lifestyle of therapy that works.

It is interesting how the Navy taught me to fight regardless of anything. So although others did not do their job, I had to learn to fight

Its really hard to say that

I think I was trying to forget I had dreams. Suicide was not really that I was trying to kill myself. I was just trying to feel something.

As odd as it sounds I found out in this process my missing dad was infact a combat vet. I was the son of a combat vet the whole time. The one war that the soldiers were forgotten and their dependents as well it seem. My dad Michael Hassay was drafted in to the Army Infantry 1966-68 Vietnam

I think it is easy to understand how the Navy would be a more important and powerful thing with a young guy missing his father, especially this type of father.

In this process I also found my father was the son of a lifer Navy WW2 Surface Warfare MM2 Albert Hassay

There was no internet then to stay in contact with sons when deployed and away which affected my dad and grandpas relationship I have found out

I am third generation of Military and did not know that when I enlisted.

It would of been nice if someone in my command the older guys might of taken a minute to look into my family history and understand the context of my life when I was there.

Maybe some of those earlier dreams I referenced would of been protected.

But we have to learn to build out what remains of damaged or sunken ships

My initial concern was that you might be having dreams of suicide. You clarified that and I understand now your sentiments. When I first read your post it made me think of a poem by Langston Hughes. "A Dream Deferred"

"What happens to a dream deferred?
Does it dry up
Like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over
like a syrupy sweet?
Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.
Or does it explode?"

This makes me think that a dream is never completely lost, some are simply deferred. I don't know your age, but a dream deferred can become a dream reimagined. Never Stop Dreaming My Brother!!

That sounds rough .. at least your fighting trying man your kids will know that..

Lawrence, this sounds oh so familiar. My step son has gone through something very similar to your situation. He hooked up with a woman that was clearly not up to what his standards should have been. This boy was raised by my wife as a single parent. He was raised in a religious household but at 17 rebelled and wanted to experience the world. Something that he knew nothing about. He is educated and worked his way up to a mid level management position, but went out and found what we refer to as a "Hood Rat". She was not his intellectual equal, and I told him not to discredit her on that basis, because she was "Street Smart" which made her clever.

His woes began when his oldest daughter came home from school and found this woman in her bed, (the daughter's bed") and told her father. He immediately told her that she had to go. After three years of living off him and his six figure salary, she did not want to leave and said that she wouldn't. He called the cops to have her removed from the home, which they did, but she immediately told them that he was abusive to her and filed charges. On her word he was arrested, jailed and this destroyed his career. Because of this allegation he is still, 8 years later, unable to acquire employment in his field, or any field for that matter, because she subsequently filed another charge against him when he refused to allow her back in the home. This one was Terrorist Threats.

I don't say this because he is family, but this man would not crush a grape in a winery. He is as docile as one can be and would never hit a woman. She bruised herself for the initial complaint and filed the following charge as retribution. So now he has experience being in jail and having his life ruined by what is known as a Vexatious Litigant whom he has two daughters with, one of which is clearly not his, but he took responsibility for and refused to have a DNA test for.

While this man is paying bail to get out of jail an hiring a lawyer, the woman took the girls and left the state against court orders. For (7) years we did not hear from our granddaughters or know what their condition they were in. The only contact was through the out of state Child Support agency who said that they had nothing to do with the court procedures and was only concerned with the Child Support issue. He mounted that same argument that you present regarding not being able to see his kids, but is obligated to pay child support. For those (7) years my wife lamented the fact that she had not seen her grandchildren. She is a serious woman of faith so she kept praying.

Last March the woman finally got in touch with my wife out of the blue and we have been able to video chat with the girls and so has he. Apparently this woman had a moment of clarity and has admitted her wrongs. And even though I have warned him to not take her word on face value, he now has a virtual relationship with his daughters. My wife could not contain herself and told the woman how she has affected his life and livelihood and the woman has written a letter to the court. But it does not and will not change the hell this man went through for all those years. He went through a bout of major depression and still gets turned down for decent jobs when they run his background. But he and a friend have pursued opening their own business and so far it is doing quite well. He is still in the process of trying to rid himself of the wreckage she caused, but at least there is hope today and she has agreed, according to the original court order, for him to have visitation even though they are all the way across the country which will cost even more as he tries to rebuild his life.

I write all of this to you because I want you to know that there is hope. One day your children will want to know why you were not in their lives. You can then tell them and let them decide. When you finally have the opportunity to speak with your children, do not bash the mother, just assure them that they are loved. If they ask why you have not came to see them, just simply tell them that it was out of your control and you will be there from here on out. I know it's hard, but let go of any anger you feel towards the mother and focus on the relationship with your kids. Never give up hope Brother!!