What advice do you have for being in a long distance relationship, especially being a member of the Armed Forces?

2018-02-23T09:40:54-05:00

Relationships within the military are difficult enough as it is. At any instant, we could find ourselves in a warzone, deployed overseas, or in a forgein country, and the stress of that alone is enough to drive away significant others. The amount of strength needed to love someone, albeit be with someone, who chooses to serve and risk everything, is to be commended, which is why I have a deep respect for loyal spouses. Looking for general advice, and advice for my own personal situation below, if you wish to help.

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I am in a long distance "relationship" with a graduate student in Great Britain, and she is honestly the most amazing woman I have ever met. She is American, and from Texas. Regardless of everyone else I've dated, she is absolutely and fundamentally different from any other girl I've been with, and it feels different. She's 24 and I'm 26. We've connected on fundamental beleifs and ideas that we both share, and put simply, we just have fun together. At least, we did for a while.

Its complicated. I put "relationship" in quotations because we're not "official" but it has definitely been a relationship for some time. For the majoirty of our relationship, it has been an emotional roller coaster to say the least. She is over there with no oversight, free do to do what she wants. When we started talking, she told me explicitly that she was not looking for a boyfriend, but as time progressed, that is exactly what I became without the title or committment. The majority of our time has been spent on Skype, for hours on end, usually into the early mornings for the both of us because of the five hour time zone difference. When I say hours, I mean a lot, sometimes even 8-10 some days. We got close. When I was working a minimum wage job, I saved up for months to go visit her for the first time, when I had no real money to my name. We've met three times, and intorduced each other to each other's parents. Time and time again, I demonstrated my loyalty. I trusted her fully. We'd get into arguments from time to time, but nothing serious. She'd always promise we were working towards a relationship, always a promise for tomorrow, but never delivering on that promise.

She slept with someone over there, during a period of us not talking, and during a period when she was upset. Her choice entirely. Completely cut me out. It felt like a betrayal of my trust, because I had been faithful to her since the beginning. Was she within her right? Even though it screwed me over and I got my feelings hurt? If it were up to me, I'd have wanted to talk to her about it, but she gave me no shot at that.

We shared mutual friends, friends I have known all my life. She was an online video game friend to my real life friends here. I trust their judgement, so I went to them and sought counsel. Is that not a normal reaction to do when you're hurting, seek advice from trusted friends? I told her I told these people, these mutual friends, and they cut her out completely because they knew I genuinely liked her, and they could not beleive that she'd do that to me. She viewed it as a betrayal of trust with her "personal information" that she entrsuted to me in telling me that she did sleep with someone else, and that she lost two really good friends out of it. I know there is resentment there.

I've never been promiscuous. I save intimate relations like that for people that I love, not go around to random girls for hookups. I've been told I'm very mature for my age, a lot due to the position I hold as an officer and a leader. I set the example. I live by the Army Values, an honor code, where it seems like people now adays don't know what that is. Honor used to be a big deal - if you lost it, you were shamed, and basically a nobody. Am I old fashioned in this belief? Am I right, and she's wrong? I try so hard to see her side of things, that she was single and well within her right to do that if she pleased. But it hurt me to my core, and yet I still love the girl. Now, we're not talking, our communication has been very piecemeal, limited back and forth, and I torture myself with thoughts that she's sleeping around. And I try so hard to drop my anger and hurt, but it comes stemming back. Any advice here? Do I hold out and wait for her to be done in England in 8 months when she finishes her degree? I don't want to let her go. This situation has tortured me for quite some time.

Response by CW5 Jack Cardwell made Feb 23 at 2018 9:51 AM

2018-02-23T09:51:38-05:00

No good solution. All people are different, so find what works for you.

Response by PO1 William "Chip" Nagel made Feb 23 at 2018 9:55 AM

2018-02-23T09:55:25-05:00

CPT Private RallyPoint Member Definitely the Hardest Test of a Relationship.

Response by Susan Foster made Feb 23 at 2018 10:05 AM

2018-02-23T10:05:05-05:00

I commend you for being so honest. It's obvious you live your Army values. You probably felt after all that time talking, you knew her extremely well, and you probably talked more than people who see each other on the weekend for months at a time. Let me ask you: Had she promised you she would not see anyone else while you two were connected? Did she confess, and if she did, did she apologize and say it would never happen again? Or did she just get mad and say she had every right? That will tell you a lot right there, because unless she feels the same way about honor and values that you do, you would be tortured every time you deployed if you were married. Perhaps she's just not as mature and doesn't know who she is yet, and that's what she is trying to figure out. She's still pretty young, and you said you are mature for your age. I know betrayal hurts you to your core. I've been there. You think you will just die because it hurts so much, yet it's something you have absolutely no control over, only yourself. Please try realizing that what she's doing or not doing and driving yourself crazy? Your own thoughts. You really have no idea. But whatever it is, you can handle it, because you are handling it now. I would talk to her, tell her how you feel, and tell her the ball is in her court. That you still love her, but because you love her, you know she's her own person, and you can't decide for her. That you are there when she's ready to talk it out, but you won't chase her--but that she'll never do better than you (and you should believe that). Then stop rowing the boat by yourself and see if she picks up the oars and rows with you. Try not to get into any quick relationships right now because you are hurting. That's just advice from someone who's "got the T-shirt." Let me know if I can help.

Response by LCpl Shane Couch made Feb 23 at 2018 10:23 AM

2018-02-23T10:23:40-05:00

I have been in a relationship with a woman in the UK for just under 4 years now. We use the app Line to communicate (text and video). We try to see each other in person as much as possible. I recently just came back from visiting her. The thing about long distance relationships is that they involve nothing but trust, and it is hard to keep that trust over such a long distance. There will be times that you both disagree on views, but that is normal in most relationships. We have known each other through chat apps for almost 6 years, but we decided to confirm that we are together in a relationship almost 4 years ago. She has reminded me that it will be 4 years in June. Since your relationship has not been mutually confirmed, I do not believe she is in the wrong. This could be something she is also just trying to figure out herself. I agree with CW5 Jack Cardwell that there really is no good solution and that all people are different. I would suggest giving it some time. continue to prove your interest in her, but do not come off as obsessive. That will only push her away. But that is only a suggestion. Do what you feel is right.

Response by CPT Jack Durish made Feb 23 at 2018 10:32 AM

2018-02-23T10:32:35-05:00

I once believed that " love conquers all". It doesn't. I was told that "distance makes the heart grow fonder." It doesn't. I then married the girl who had sent me two Dear Johns during a long distance relationship. The "marriage" lasted about six months though we remained together for about six years. I am now happily married to my best friend of 43 years, the one I met after my adventuring days were ended. So here's the one adage I do believe in: There's more than one fish in the ocean. Now, enjoy your life of adventuring. Make friends along the way but don't make enemies of those who can't go adventuring with you. No, you won't be adventuring forever. That's a young person's prerogative...

Response by LCDR Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 23 at 2018 12:21 PM

2018-02-23T12:21:16-05:00

Allan-I found the prospect so daunting, I intentionally avoided any serious romantic relationships for the first several years of my career. I made a clean "break" with home when I left, and didn't find myself having to confront that issue until very nearly the end of my career. When I did, that experience left me convinced that it takes a very special person to love a Soldier, Sailor, Airman or Marine...and an equally special service member to honor and appreciate the sacrifices that special person makes in order to love us.

My advice is to consider that the love that truly lasts doesn't come instantly or over limited interaction...it builds over years, and is tested and proven by enduring "life" together. I love my wife more today than I could have possibly loved her when we married, and that doesn't imply there haven't been rough roads and hard turns around each bend.

You can't "own" a person's affection...you can only earn it. If the young lady is willing to open herself to other possibilities, then I would take that as a good sign that from her perspective at least, there exists no commitment at this time.

You have a great career and more importantly...life ahead of you. Focus on making yourself the man and officer you want to be first, and one day, likely when you least expect it, want it or need it...the woman who has been looking for "you" will find you. I promise that when that happens, neither of you will be able to stop the forces that will bring you together, and will serve as the best chance to get you through the years to follow.

One last thought; it has been my experience that the best women value self-assurance above all other qualities. They probably want to be valued more than desired, listened to more than pursued...and you may find that this is what you ultimately want from them as well.

Best wishes, and good fortunes.

Response by CPT Jack Durish made Feb 23 at 2018 12:41 PM

2018-02-23T12:41:46-05:00

I am Jack's wife. He had a "first" marriage of which the before sounds exactly like what your going through. It's unfortunate what he went through, but in the end, it brought him to me. Even though she wrote him "Dear Johns" while he was in OCS and then when he was in Vietnam. Unfortunately Jack eventually married her. He did get two children, but the son won't talk to him because of her lies. She cheated on him while they were married. Please consider yourself lucky to escape a person who does not want to commit, or who can't commit.
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Jack here: I knew my wife would want to respond. She said what I didn't want to say. That I was an LT who once found himself in the same position. You can look at me as the harbinger of your future should you choose that path. I can't complain. Despite its twisted turns and potholes I came to a happy ending One last comment: When I returned from Vietnam, my then girlfriend came to see me (to make sure I was okay) and we agreed to correspond while I was stationed in Hawaii (the guy she dumped me for had already dumped her). We did until she announced that she found someone else and I responded that it was time to sever the tie. She wrote back immediately that , NO, we should continue. When I went home on leave, she was there at the airport to meet me (again, she had been dumped). I, like you, am the one who was always there. Don't be that guy unless you want a world of pain, pain that I've already lived

Response by Maj Marty Hogan made Feb 23 at 2018 1:09 PM

2018-02-23T13:09:11-05:00

Get out of it....

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 23 at 2018 7:32 PM

2018-02-23T19:32:22-05:00

The first rule of long distance relationship is don't do it.
The second rule is that if you must do it, it should always be with the view toward being back together as soon as possible.
Notice I said "back together". You can't start a relationship with someone you're not physically near. A long distance relationship is like holding your breath. You can't grow, you can't get to know your partner. It's a painful emotional Rollercoaster. Logistics is one of the key pieces to successful relationships. Another is timing. If you can't be physically with that person, at this time in your life, your relationship can't grow.
Deployments are different, they follow the second rule. You go away with the understanding that your relationship isn't going to grow but that you can maintain it with lots of effort.

Response by Capt Tom Brown made Feb 23 at 2018 7:42 PM

2018-02-23T19:42:15-05:00

Separation does not make the heart grow fonder. Call it over now and get on with your lives.. IMHO

Response by SGT Kevin Hughes made Dec 16 at 2019 3:53 PM

2019-12-16T15:53:28-05:00

I was going to add my two cents worth...but after reading the thread, I think you got way better feedback, wisdom and personal experiences from the folks on this thread. And getting those two feedback honest answers from the Females on this thread...well, you have enough to make as they say in the business: "an informed decision." Love is funny though...sometimes you have to go through what Cpt Durish did, and other times, well, it ends naturally enough with both of you wishing each other well. There is a Country Song called: "Unanswered Prayers" which I think you might find interesting. Falling in love is easy, falling out, is hard.
You will love again, that is for sure, because once you learn to love, you want it again. And once you learn that you are worth loving - without anyone in your life, well then your next love is met as equals. And, as the wisdom of all these folks on this thread shows...time is on your side! Good luck!

Response by SPC Stewart Smith made Dec 16 at 2019 4:03 PM

2019-12-16T16:03:01-05:00

I'm gonna play devils advocate and be blunt.
It sounds like she isn't looking for a relationship and you are. No titles means you aren't boyfriend and girlfriend. She's not cheating on you when she sleeps with someone else.
I don't see any relationship here. I see her using you for various things and when she finds someone she wants to date she will ghost you.
You got hurt. That sucks. You are not going to find someone with your values while you are pining over someone who doesn't want a relationship with you.
My advice is to delete her phone number, remove her from your social media, and join a dating website. Those dating websites set you up with someone that is compatible with you. You'll have more in common, less fights, and more fun doing something with someone who shares your same relationship style.

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Dec 16 at 2019 4:08 PM

2019-12-16T16:08:05-05:00

Hopefully you have a partner who is part of a low percentage of people who can stand military life, it takes a special kind of person. Good luck, may God Bless.