What advice do you have for other military couples?

2021-10-19T09:33:52-04:00

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Response by SSG William Jones made Oct 19 at 2021 9:40 AM

2021-10-19T09:40:35-04:00

Include God in your marriage‼️

Response by Lt Col Scott Shuttleworth made Oct 19 at 2021 12:04 PM

2021-10-19T12:04:28-04:00

1.) God first each other second.
2.) Be an independent spouse...need each other but don't rely on each other for the little things. What I mean is that when the service member is deployed, the spouse needs to be able to fix the sink or know who to call, or to be able to change a tire, cut the grass, get the kids where they need to go, handle family issues etc. Too many families are torn apart because of the stress of deployments due to the spouse not knowing how to do anything or bank or take care of the kids.
3.) When the service member returns home they need to be sensitive to easing back into roles...remember the spouse did all of that while you were gone so be respectful and slowly reintegrate into the family. Don't go into it with I am home and back taking over.
4.) When at home rely on each other and spend quality time...remember quantity time does not equal quality time...you can be in the same room for hours and not say a word and that is quantity but you can spend 30 minutes fishing, playing catch, or going to a movie and spending time together and that is quality time.

Response by SSG Bill McCoy made Oct 19 at 2021 12:56 PM

2021-10-19T12:56:55-04:00

Not having experienced the situation with a service member spouse, it's hard to say anything qualified other than it's not "too" different for civilian/milittary couples except the civilian side doesn't always recognize the "why" of many service obligations. That SHOULD be an issue that's advantageous to miltiary couples though I've seen some of those marriages blow-up.
Honesty would be paramount, then working to avoid competition in rank related issues. I knew one 2LT couple who had a tough time of that when she was promoted ahead of, and ultimately, higher than he was ... BUT, they worked through it and are still going after more than 40 years.

Response by SFC Terry Fortune made Oct 19 at 2021 1:13 PM

2021-10-19T13:13:36-04:00

Have God in your marriage. Never take each other for granted. Always communicate with each other.Have a will and power of attorney ready for deployment, and spend as much time as you can with each other.

Response by TSgt George Rodriguez made Oct 19 at 2021 1:22 PM

2021-10-19T13:22:45-04:00

Marriage is not 50/50. Marriage is 100/100, it takes 100% of each of you to give to each other. I married my soul mate who was also in the service. At the time I had 2 small children from a previous marriage while still being on active duty. She saw my needs and responded by giving up her career in the military to take on my family needs. Since then we have between us 2 more children making it a total of 4, 10 grand children, 7 great grand children. 48+ years and still going strong. Being ex military she understood the needs of the Air Force when it came time for me to be transferred to Asia for an unaccompanied tour for a year. Also for temporary duty trips as a medic in support of combat units. It hasn't been easy for her but her knowledge of military life and the support of military wives who endure the same hardships helping each other thru the hard times allowed her to overcome the negatives. God has blessed me and I thank him for allowing me to be part of her life as she is a part of mine.

Response by Lt Col Charlie Brown made Oct 19 at 2021 1:34 PM

2021-10-19T13:34:24-04:00

We both served for more than 20 years.
1. Communicate. Share as much as you can. Plans or orders change, let your spouse know ASAP
2. Money. Work out a budget and stick to it. Never overdraw, it will impact both of you
3. Children. The parent at home is in charge. No second guessing. You will get your turn next time
4. Always express love and appreciation for your partner.
5. Invite God to be a part of your lives

Response by SPC Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 19 at 2021 3:56 PM

2021-10-19T15:56:41-04:00

Here's a really hard truth. If only one of you is in the military, the other will, invariably, take a backseat to the job. It's not because you're not important. Far from it. We couldn't do what we do, without you taking up the mantle at home. But when Uncle Sam calls, the servicemember has gotta go, whether you like it or not.

Now here's an easy one: don't let rank go to your head. This applies to BOTH parties. Just because your butter bar makes a Private antsy at work, doesn't mean your family is gonna give a damn about it. And just because your *spouse* has earned some rank, doesn't mean you BOTH did. Your status as a dependant is exactly that. A Dependant. Not a "Sergeant's Wife," not a "Lieutenant Spouse" or the "Mother-Commissioned Officer In Charge." Realize that to the rest of the world, you're just a civilian and outside your spouse's unit, nobody cares about who your servicemember is.

Now last but not least:

It's gonna be hard. It's gonna suck, a lot more.often than it'll be pleasant. But on the back side of it all, you'll have built a family that can withstand hardship, a relationship that can face the fire, and a network that will have your back until they day you die. But NONE of this will be possible without sound, effective communication. When it's great, talk about it. When it sucks, talk about it (and come up with a solution). When you feel like giving up, talk about it, and fond a way to make it work. Communication truly is the key to success in a military marriage. You grow together, you move together and you build together. We ain't alone downrange (except that one guy, but he turned out alright, and even had a movie made about him), so why would we leave you alone at home? It's a team, and just like any other team, you've got to depend on each other, communicate with one another, and come to a consensus about building a successful future, or I promise you, you will fail.

Response by SPC Margaret Higgins made Oct 19 at 2021 4:00 PM

2021-10-19T16:00:01-04:00

@ RallyPoint News: Thank You So Very Kindly for the Great Honor you have bestowed upon us here on Rally Point; by Honoring us with your presence.
P.S. I don't really know what to do: my comments are posting twice again. Once again, if you know why this is: Please, very Kindly, let me know. I Thank Thee; so very much.

Response by SSG Byron Hewett made Oct 19 at 2021 5:42 PM

2021-10-19T17:42:24-04:00

Have a plan for the deployments and be prepared

Response by Cpl Vic Burk made Oct 19 at 2021 7:16 PM

2021-10-19T19:16:26-04:00

I wasn't married when I was in (intentionally) so take my opinions for what they are worth. I could imagine a deployment is where the ultimate test is of faithfulness. So easy for either party to stray simply out of loneliness. I had a girl when I signed and we were together until I went overseas but she sent me the "Dear John" that never arrived. I did things differently with my next girl. I bombarded her weekly with cards and little tokens to remind her of me, nothing expensive, just little knick-knacks. I wrote her letters almost daily. (I had a code with her mother so she if two letters arrived on the same day she knew which one to give her first!) Communication, commitment, trust and faith is the key. It is a harder road for the one at home, be sympathetic to their situation.

Response by SPC Nancy Greene made Oct 19 at 2021 9:24 PM

2021-10-19T21:24:33-04:00

I married a Soldier of the same rank when I was Active Duty. He ETS’d and I was still under contract. I had a daughter and we PCS’d to Germany. He was the stay at home Dad and I worked. Unfortunately, upon receiving a medical discharge (at my request) we returned stateside as civilians. My goal was always a Graduate Degree and he said he was supportive. He wasn’t and we separated and divorced. In retrospect, he wasn’t honest with me about numerous things.

I worked as a Behavior Therapist for the Marine Corps at Camp LeJeune and New River Air Station. This was 1993-2000. There wasn’t internet, FB, Twitter, and face time. I found educating the spouse about the Marine Corps and what the Marine actually did, where he worked, and what was required of the Marine was imperative to the success of the marriage. God was a critical part of a successful marriage along with open and clear communication. Establishing a support system lead to successful deployments. I worked with Officers and Enlisted. The younger Marines whose spouse knew nothing about the demands of the Corps needed to learn and understand so they were able to survive when the Marine was on ‘float’ or deployed. The program I worked for offered Play Mornings, in home therapy, Daddy Baby Bootcamp and 24 hour emergency services. Play Morning was an amazing tool for all. Parents share a commonality of having children. It offered support, social interaction, and education. I found seasoned spouses were able to mentor younger spouses and even provide transportation. We made crafts at every group. These crafts were of minimal cost and could be done at home to keep kids busy while cooking and doing household chores. We often made things that could be sent to the Marines deployed. Handprints, drawings, and tracing the kids on newsprint, which was then ‘dressed’ by the child were sent to the units. Family Service Center assisted with shipping things to the unit. These craft projects kept the Marine in touch with their children and spouse and they could see the growth and development they were missing.
Assisting young couples with budgeting, meal planning, and transportation facilitated the acquisition of necessary life skills. When the Marine returned, they often participated in the Play Morning and this allowed the spouse time to interact with other spouses.
Knowledge of the Corps, good communication skills, time with family, and time with spouse seemed to facilitate strong marriages. Date nights, family time, and low cost or no cost activities were paramount. Couples would take turns providing child care so couples could have date nights. Children chose (from selected activities, usually no cost) family time. Knowledge and education were key to strong relationships. Not being afraid to ask fir help and developing a good support system worked for the many couples I worked with.
The fact these services were offered in their home and at no cost was beneficial to the families and the mission of the Corps.

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 19 at 2021 10:31 PM

2021-10-19T22:31:23-04:00

When you are seperated, keep the spouse in the loop.
In my case, I called, skyped every chance I got. Let her know I was ok. And listened to how dshe was doing.
I also randomly walked to the shop at 0300 to order her flowers.
Also sent home gift boxes for birthdays and holidays that we opened together on skype.
Made her feel important, which she is.

Response by Arene Sanders-Rushdan made Oct 22 at 2021 6:56 PM

2021-10-22T18:56:19-04:00

Treat each other as if you are connected and that person is with you.
Be each other’s best friends and speak positive words to each other and about each other.
Never leave each other in anger and agree to disagree and be free to do so but each person bear the responsibility and support without harsh words.
Be better for your self.
Do not let outside persons interfere inside your relationship with your spouse.
Be happy. Do not invite trouble or negativity in your home in any capacity.
Be faithful: do not cheat! That’s all for now.

Response by COL William Browning made Oct 22 at 2021 7:21 PM

2021-10-22T19:21:59-04:00

Explain to your spouse what requirements the military puts on you without any choice. Things like being on time is not just important but absolutely required. Most people do not understand. Then explain all the benefits of military life that make it worthwhile.

Response by Capt Sylvia DeBorger made Oct 22 at 2021 7:24 PM

2021-10-22T19:24:57-04:00

Live on base, if possible. It's fun to have neighbors who understand the military way of life and are ready to help when needed.

Response by PO2 Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 22 at 2021 7:25 PM

2021-10-22T19:25:29-04:00

Open lines of communications is key. However, acknowledging and comprehending what is being said are some of the pieces towards a healthy relationship. Also, be the support system you need for each other, literally have each other's back. Don't be afraid to be honest and truthful with one another about the good, the bad, and the ugly (don't be a dick about it either). Put everything on the table so there aren't any surprises. As a dual military couple this helped my husband and I communicate so much more better. Finally, go to therapy if you need to. Individually or as a couple, you'd be surprised about what can be learned in sessions. Use your benefits and utilize the resources given to the servicemember and the family.

Response by PO3 Christopher Sumpter made Oct 22 at 2021 7:26 PM

2021-10-22T19:26:45-04:00

Put Jesus at the center of your relationship. If you both focus on getting closer to Jesus, it will bring you closer to each other.

Response by SPC Justine Blankenbeckler made Oct 22 at 2021 7:33 PM

2021-10-22T19:33:57-04:00

My advice for Military Couples is always stay close in touch with each other as possible , if you are away from each other. If you have Children, take time to spend with them, it does not have to be long. Maybe you can rotate, take turns . Eat meals together if possible, then at that time you all can have Family time, we did that. Everyone has to play a part. Know that if one parent will be gone, your Children will be loved, and explain that to them. Time is Precious. Love One another. Have a Date Night. It does not have to be fancy. Oh how I think of the many things we did. I hope any Military Couples reading these it helps. God Bless.

Response by CPT Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 22 at 2021 7:35 PM

2021-10-22T19:35:00-04:00

Make time for each other when you're apart. Just because you're separated, doing your own thing, doesn't mean time stops. Especially with technology today, do face times, texts, phone calls, etc.

Response by SGT Kevin Taber made Oct 22 at 2021 7:35 PM

2021-10-22T19:35:02-04:00

Trust in each other. Have each other's backs

Response by SSgt Richard Peterson made Oct 22 at 2021 8:00 PM

2021-10-22T20:00:39-04:00

My wife and I were both Air Force brats so the transition from civilian life was fairly easy for us I guess.

Response by LCpl Mike Azzarello made Oct 22 at 2021 8:08 PM

2021-10-22T20:08:04-04:00

Love is love. No matter what, that always comes first. I loved serving in the marine corps and I love my country, but even more than that I love my wife and daughter. Without there love and support I would have never made it. Don't ever overlook your blessings because before you know it they could be gone.

Response by Sgt Fredric Garms made Oct 22 at 2021 8:12 PM

2021-10-22T20:12:41-04:00

DON’T GET FUCKING MARRIED WHILE YOU ARE IN THE MILITARY, PERIOD!

Response by SPC Benjamin Prouty made Oct 22 at 2021 8:15 PM

2021-10-22T20:15:50-04:00

Don't join FRG.

Response by SFC Bruce Smith made Oct 22 at 2021 8:18 PM

2021-10-22T20:18:19-04:00

I was in a relationship once with a soldier who had more years in service than I. I spent over half of our 3 years together deployed plus we were at different installations. Close, but different. It was too much. She didn’t want to be where I was and there wasn’t a slot for me at hers. We shared a second MOS, but I had no desire to be chemical. Looking back, I could have ETSd and been an army spouse.

My advice is to establish all of that up front and have realistic expectations. There were areas to compromise and don’t stand on ego. It’s hard to get a cavalry scout to consider a different job. It’s just so much damn fun. What’s crazy is I was diagnosed with a condition afterwards that made me non deployable!

Response by SP5 Walter Anderson made Oct 22 at 2021 8:19 PM

2021-10-22T20:19:51-04:00

Family life in the military can be a lonely life. When you move in to a neighborhood don't be afraid to make friends with your civilian neighbors. You might be surprised that many of them are veterans themselves.

Response by SGT Forrest Stewart made Oct 22 at 2021 8:23 PM

2021-10-22T20:23:27-04:00

Don't cheat on each other. Your marriage will last for decades if you are faithful to each other.

Response by PO2 Jeff King made Oct 22 at 2021 8:26 PM

2021-10-22T20:26:06-04:00

For the spouse at home, get involved with your command’s FRG.

Response by Maj Diane Varni made Oct 22 at 2021 8:32 PM

2021-10-22T20:32:34-04:00

As retired dual military couple I recommend 1) Know which career the service values the most because the spouse will have to accomodate movez based on that 2) Have family including military family to help but do not overly rely on that or abuse it 3) ACKNOWLEDGE finance etc do not treat you equally. I had no dependants while I had 4 children 4) Support both units but maintain professional standing....recall my husband being asked why I had not conformed to their uniform requirement - I responded I am not assigned to their base and I am following my wing commander and boss. Who were also at the football game.

Response by SFC Larry Jones made Oct 22 at 2021 8:35 PM

2021-10-22T20:35:21-04:00

As someone else said, God must be first. We were very young. Be adaptable and understand you are not in the civilian world. The military does things differently and not always logically. Roll with the punches and always love each other unconditionally. I did 20 years, 11 of them in recruiting. We celebrated 48 years of marriage this year. We have been together for 51.

Response by PO3 Gil Dominguez made Oct 22 at 2021 8:49 PM

2021-10-22T20:49:39-04:00

My thoughts on this subject , Be strong and wait till after your Tour is up...it's hard enough for one , worring about your Spouce well being as your tending to your responcibilities...unless you are establishing a Career in the Military , stay single .

Response by SFC Zena Taylor-Reid made Oct 22 at 2021 8:55 PM

2021-10-22T20:55:34-04:00

Sometimes you have to invest in outside, non-biased help from a counselor to help you navigate thru the ups and downs of life.

Response by MSgt Nancy Wilson made Oct 22 at 2021 8:58 PM

2021-10-22T20:58:15-04:00

There is an inner circle and an outer circle in a marriage between 2 military service members. Recognize both. The inner circle is your family. The outer circle is your service affiliation. Some things are not to be shared outside its circle -- recognize this. Do not cross boundaries and do not give the other any nasty surprises. Discuss how things are to work before you come to that point, and take cues from the other when unexpected things come up. The children need to be taught family rules too. How often do we take for granted what we THINK will happen?

Response by SGT Dan Theman made Oct 22 at 2021 8:59 PM

2021-10-22T20:59:38-04:00

Here’s my take. The spouse is as much serving as is their partner. Take what they’re saying to your both verbally and non verbally and ensure you’re talking about each and every aspect of your tour and your next tour as well.
Sadly I did not listen to her needs and I did not communicate mine…
I was given the choice to stay in or potentially divorce. I got out…!
Sadly 30 days later she hated civilian life and wanted me to Reenlist. I lost my bonus and grade increase because I didn’t re up.
Had I listened and communicated we would have stayed in and retired and maybe not divorced.
So…. My advice…
Communicate communicate communicate

Response by CPT Allen Saum made Oct 22 at 2021 9:08 PM

2021-10-22T21:08:16-04:00

If you are thinking of not re-upping (enlisted) or submitting an unqualified resignation (officer), talk it over with your significant other, to include the pros and cons of your impending decision and the possible ramifications. Consider alternative courses of action such as change of MOS or Branch.
If, after considering all possible choices, you still decide to resign, consider keeping a hand in the game by joining the National Guard or Reserves to maintain most of the benefits offered by the military.

Response by CPT Tío Rusty made Oct 22 at 2021 9:12 PM

2021-10-22T21:12:19-04:00

Put God first always in your relationship.

Response by SP5 Jorge Maspons made Oct 22 at 2021 9:13 PM

2021-10-22T21:13:22-04:00

What do you if there are children and both have to go away? Make sure you have a good relationship with grand parents and other relatives to take care of kids.

Response by CPL Sharon Davis made Oct 22 at 2021 9:35 PM

2021-10-22T21:35:04-04:00

The best advice that I can give to a military married couple is to keep your marriage between you and your spouse. Remember that most of your comrades are probably just graduating from high school and are trained to watch your six, but not your wife. A marriage is only for two people, Get a hobby , learn the language of his/her country that you may be deployed if your bored, or volunteer and may the grace of God be with you at all times, and never invite an extra person into your marriage Hhhmm, can't think of anything else at the moment, any and all feedback is welcome! Stay Safe!

Response by 1stSgt Deborah J Anderson made Oct 22 at 2021 9:45 PM

2021-10-22T21:45:21-04:00

No Matter what always talk things out. Without conversations as in my situation, the marriage is over.

Response by PO3 Kevin Wilson made Oct 22 at 2021 10:02 PM

2021-10-22T22:02:59-04:00

Personally I would not be in a relationship while in the service as there are so many things that go on. However, I only did my four years and got out.

Response by SGT Erick Holmes made Oct 22 at 2021 10:10 PM

2021-10-22T22:10:36-04:00

Always, Always, Always keep the lines of communication open. Understand where the other person is coming from. If you want things to work then put in the work. There will be many roads that lead home but 1 road will always be there and that road what will keep couples together and thats LOVE!!!

Response by TSgt Larry Johnson made Oct 22 at 2021 10:15 PM

2021-10-22T22:15:55-04:00

You need to teach your spouse to be independent. It will make life a lot easier, and she will love you for it later.

Response by SPC Kathy Crouch made Oct 22 at 2021 10:20 PM

2021-10-22T22:20:42-04:00

Accept that there are going to be times when the service member will be deployed. Make sure you know how to pay the bills, take care of calling someone to fix something that breaks. Now in the 21st Century you have email and other internet ways of keeping in touch. In the 70s and 80s we had snail mail. It took 7 days to get mail from the US to Germany via snail mail. Write each other emails or even snail mails. Remember your deployed partner probably won't be having tons of fun without you. Let your partner know whether you're the one that's deployed or staying behind that you care and will worry.

Response by SSgt James Solomon made Oct 22 at 2021 10:35 PM

2021-10-22T22:35:26-04:00

Be sure you both have a buy in to the uniqueness of military life. Work hard preserving the relationship in the time you have together knowing that separations and loneliness are ahead.

Response by PO1 Phil Audritsh made Oct 22 at 2021 10:37 PM

2021-10-22T22:37:24-04:00

It will be tough, the times of separation. It will lead to both people being a better person. Overcoming all the complexities will make anything that both people can face serum much easier.

Response by CSM James Jordan made Oct 22 at 2021 10:39 PM

2021-10-22T22:39:19-04:00

It’s too late for advice. Just don’t do it.

Response by SP5 Charles Weight made Oct 22 at 2021 10:47 PM

2021-10-22T22:47:53-04:00

Love each other like there is no tomorrow.

Response by PO1 Richard Wilson made Oct 22 at 2021 11:43 PM

2021-10-22T23:43:54-04:00

It never gets easier after each deployment, Most couples after the first deployment never talk about what went on so it leaves the spouse wondering, Share everything you can with each other don't hide things just be honest with each other no matter how hard you think it is. Spend the time talking about your feelings. Don't be the only one talking , let the other one say how they feel. Open and honest will get you thru the hard times.

Response by SPC Robin Price-Dirks made Oct 23 at 2021 12:01 AM

2021-10-23T00:01:18-04:00

Remember to stay steadfast and loyal to your partner. Remember that if you are a civilian you have NO rank and your actions could destroy your spouses career. Remember that if both of you are in the military you will need to work at connecting over distance and time. Enjoy your moments together and savor them as you remember the good times and lean into each other in the difficult times. Learn to love fiercely, be devoted, enjoy the good times and share the bad, to lessen the weight of trials and tribulations, and have faith in each other.......

Response by SrA Barbara Johnson made Oct 23 at 2021 12:01 AM

2021-10-23T00:01:21-04:00

Marriage is a partnership, and both parties must be committed to putting in 100 percent ALL THE TIME. It's important to learn each other's love language, the things that fuel encouragement, respect and love of your mate. The relationship, the marriage is a Ministry and it...behind God...must come first without fail. Yes, you're in the military and there are things about that life that must be adhered to...but your marriage never gets left behind. And when there are disagreements you have got to talk/work them out. Love can never be a weapon, never withheld. God must be the head, and together you need to pray/consult Him about e v e r y t h I n g!!! Remember you will never face a problem that has not been faced by some other couple that worked to overcome the problem together.

Response by PO3 Deb Chadderton made Oct 23 at 2021 12:16 AM

2021-10-23T00:16:52-04:00

When he lets rank go to his head and belittles your part in life, let alone your life, it’s time to pull chalks. HE needs to remember that he wouldn’t be there, especially with kids, without you if you didn’t already give up so much of yourself. Best advice: don’t give up so much for him. You’ll regret it.

Response by SPC Will Thorson made Oct 23 at 2021 12:23 AM

2021-10-23T00:23:51-04:00

If the army wanted you to have a wife, they would have issued you one. That stuck with me. I can only vouch for the job I had and the toll it took on families(infantry. We deployed a ton, had field problems that lasted 30 days or more, and we had during the soring/summer, field training for 4 days a week. That's a massive toll on the family structure. Yes the army pays BAH and seprats but that pales in comparison to a husband not being there. People have to have an ability to compartmentalize and have thick skin. If you can't do things on your own, a marriage will not survive. I was stationed at NTC and we were in the field 2+ weeks a month. And in between that, twice a year we had gunnery(Bradley) . at the time we had the highest divorce rate in the army. It really sucked. Just try to know what you are getting into.

Response by LCDR Robert S. made Oct 23 at 2021 12:33 AM

2021-10-23T00:33:03-04:00

If a major holiday (birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries, whatever is an important date for you) is going to happen during a scheduled deployment, celebrate the holiday together BEFORE the deployment, doing all the things that you normally do for the holiday.

Response by SSgt Ricardo Lugo made Oct 23 at 2021 1:09 AM

2021-10-23T01:09:04-04:00

As a member of the USA Arm Forces in the capacity of enlisted category. What kept my marriage united; was the commitment to God, Marriage, Family and Nation. This is a basic fundamental Vision and Mission that most warriors take it as irrelevant to be successful in life. When I commence my training as a warrior of are nation; I commit the same error like most members of are Arm Forces. Not being focus on the basic principals of a Warriors life; One Nation Under God; Pursuit of Happiness in God; United in marriage and family; United in the Total Force Vision and Mission. As time pass the seed of matureness brought me to experience in my life the need to be aware of the Vision that are Father Founders legacy left to are Nations citizens. The outcome of these principals will add to a better Soldier Service; Marriage / Family strong healthy; Strong National Defense Program and a strong and healthy USA nation. So God help us to be part of the Great Nation that God has gave us; to build for future generation of warriors to come. God Bless America.

Response by TSgt Ken Richter made Oct 23 at 2021 2:22 AM

2021-10-23T02:22:53-04:00

I've never been married so I'm not the one to ask.

Response by MSgt George Murray made Oct 23 at 2021 5:29 AM

2021-10-23T05:29:38-04:00

Military life can be tough on a family. Although I was single most of my 23 years in the Air Force my wife at the time (early 80's) was very tolerant of my TDY's. She was former Army and though she didn't do any TDY's she heard enough about them to know the situations. It all comes down to understanding each other. The big part is the kids if you have any because they get bounced from school to school.

Response by SrA Ronald Moore made Oct 23 at 2021 6:05 AM

2021-10-23T06:05:12-04:00

Go at the relationship as Athena Service Person is planning for their future and At work to get this done, stay in touch, Do not riddle the Service person with when They will be home, and have the relationship like You have the best love of your life and You have to wait for the private times, and intimate times and work to secure the future from financial insecurities, Do not be Childers about the Times apart, When Possible take leave and spend that time together, but wheats’ over Be grown up enough for each other to let each other head in back to base to secure that future, thing on it as going to College with only phone calls you had to live with your parents, do not sweat the relationship, talk to the VA Psy team often from where you are stationed, And have the other mate to do the same and have the team firm a plan as when needing to talk or share thought of like loneliness, get an Appt. Talk to you social worker pour out your heart and let them get in touch with the social worker of your spouse and then that social worker call that member in and help out out the Messages with your other spouse team, Face Time Calling, Skype calls,Even letters

Response by SGM Art Hudson made Oct 23 at 2021 7:17 AM

2021-10-23T07:17:43-04:00

Always put GOD First, support each others endeavors and try to understand that military life is completely different than civilian life.

Response by MAJ John Davis made Oct 23 at 2021 7:26 AM

2021-10-23T07:26:32-04:00

Keep your sense of humor. Even the worst of times flow past once you can see some hope. Making each other smile takes away a lot of the hurt.

Response by PO1 Charles Wadlington made Oct 23 at 2021 8:01 AM

2021-10-23T08:01:50-04:00

COMMUNICATE!!! Not just tell Sea Stories or bitching about busy work...actually tell your partner what your life is like and what is going on (within the confines of OPSEC). Also, flip it around. Don't assume that you understand what THEY are going through just because you used to be a civilian too. In my career, I saw way too many otherwise strong relationships fail because there was a failure to communicate.

Response by SFC Richard OConnor made Oct 23 at 2021 8:50 AM

2021-10-23T08:50:24-04:00

Communicate

Response by SPC Matt Ovaska made Oct 23 at 2021 9:00 AM

2021-10-23T09:00:26-04:00

Billy Graham's wife was asked," Aren't you worried about you husband as he travels a lot?" She replied, " Oh no. I just pray for him and ask God to keep him safe and faithful."

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 23 at 2021 9:10 AM

2021-10-23T09:10:36-04:00

MAKE SURE THE SPOUSE NOT IN THE MILITARY WANTS THIS. I cannot stress this enough. If he/ she doesn't want it, don't go into the military, or get out of the military or the relationship. It is not for everyone. This is hard. You can and will be called for ANYTHING, ANY TIME, ANY WHERE. You belong to Uncle Sam, no question about it. You lost that freedom when you signed on the dotted line. I learned that the hard way, twice. My current wife said "the Army or me, not both." We been married 12 years now. Communicating with your spouse, wife, husband is essential here. They can't read your mind, nor you theirs.

Response by PFC Laurie Doelle made Oct 23 at 2021 10:16 AM

2021-10-23T10:16:24-04:00

Sometimes, unfortunately you may need to have a mediator. There's nothing wrong with that at all. In fact, my marriage was not working, so we did a search for a therapist and found a wonderful lady in our area here in Houston. She video chatted with us for several sessions as individuals and then as couples. WOW, it was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. And now I'm happy to say, my marriage is back on track! We still have differences, but the resentment and anger are gone, and those feelings are VERY draining. She taught us how to handle the issues that come up from day to dat, taught us how to talk to each other, so we can get through what ever gets our goat, so to speak. So, don't think talking to a therapist is demining or don't let your ego tell you you can handle the problem on your own. Trust me....you can't, not always. So, do a search on Google for a marriage counselor/therapist near you. You'll be glad you did.

Response by PFC Jeanine Thomas made Oct 23 at 2021 10:17 AM

2021-10-23T10:17:15-04:00

Communication is key and brings results and connectedness to the relationship. You both are a part of a team and the more you collaborate with each other on accomplishing as much as possible as 1 unit, bringing your ideas and being comfortable expressing yourself is important to meeting those goals. Yes, disagreeing is important too but compromising makes the task less stressful. Remember you are working together, not against each other. When there are dependents involved, this level of communication reflects respect to each partner and the members of your family will witness and hopefully mimic that same behavior throughout their life, individually and when they enter into a career.

Response by CDR William Kempner made Oct 23 at 2021 10:43 AM

2021-10-23T10:43:16-04:00

Remember and try not to take advantage. While you are in the service, it comes first, often to the detriment of the relationship. But do your best to make your spouse feel important and loved. Everybody has a last day in the military, and hopefully they will still be there with you at the end.

Response by SPC Lyle Montgomery made Oct 23 at 2021 11:52 AM

2021-10-23T11:52:24-04:00

I was 18 when I entered the military so i was not married yet but right after My 2 year hitch I broke up with my girlfriend and married my wife. I have been married for 49 years now. The best advice that I can is to be true partners in decision making, neither being the boss over the other and be faithful to your partner, and have God in your marriage no matter what faith you are. I had to work out of state a lot in construction but only cheated on my diet. I still am crazy about my wife. She is my best friend and soulmate.

Response by PO1 David McGillvray made Oct 23 at 2021 12:23 PM

2021-10-23T12:23:05-04:00

Never underestimate the importance of saying "I love you" or a hug or kiss at random moments. Sometimes just being together is all that really matters, sure we do different things, but knowing she is nearby and caring, makes me better.

Response by CPL Chris Palmberg made Oct 23 at 2021 1:19 PM

2021-10-23T13:19:39-04:00

The very term "military couple" has changed so much since the beginning of this century. The massive uptick in OPTEMPO and resulting deployments means that any military spouse can be deployed at any time. Whether a year-long combat tour, advanced schooling, or just a three week annual training for a reservist, it is important that the stay-behind spouse be capable of filling in the gaps. Deploying person pays the bills? Make sure the other spouse has all the account numbers, access to vendors, and the authorization to pay bills in place before you leave... while paperwork can be filed to allow it, vendors unfamiliar with military families and the associated DPOAs etc., may be hesitant to allow a new payor without approval from the primary.

In longer deployments, it is in the best interests of mental health that the stay-behind spouse has a purpose or vocation. If one spouse is active duty, transferability also plays a huge part, because nothing messes up a stable home life quite like a interstate or intercontinental PCS immediately followed by a deployment. If the stay-behind spouse is capable of filling a high demand job with national licensure standards (such as the Nursing Compact) there is less likely to be issues finding a new job in short order when suddenly arriving in a new duty station. A DA or other Federal job, even if something as mundane and low-paying as a Commissary stocker or a cog in the VA wheel, makes it directly transferable, and efforts are often made to laterally transfer military spouses arriving at a new duty station where no vacancies for their existing job exist.

Response by PFC Robert Reathaford made Oct 23 at 2021 1:19 PM

2021-10-23T13:19:52-04:00

Even though you are both there and in the military together as a couple that doesn't mean that you both have to answer the call when you or you spouse has to leave when uncle Sam call's, this is when you have to be comitted to each other so that the times passes out equally and then you can be together again because you might have children at home with you but sometimes this can be difficult to deal with you have to find other spouses that are in your area to talk with and help each other out when needed. Should this be the wife or husband what ever you do don't go looking for comfort when you need it because then you are just bringing in another problem and whichever you are you can count on uncle Sam to say sorry but the deployment is going to last longer than we intisapated because they themselves don't have a good answer for everything.

Response by SGT James Murphy made Oct 23 at 2021 1:41 PM

2021-10-23T13:41:37-04:00

Deuteronomy 8:18 NIV But remember the LORD your God, for it is he who gives you the ability to produce wealth, and so confirms his covenant, which he swore to your ancestors, as it is today. Many of us who call ourselves entrepreneurs and small business owners are arrogant. It certainly takes confidence to be successful in business but you must always remember from whom all blessings flow. God has given you the talent and ability to make money, and that should keep you humble.

Response by PFC Guy Gantner made Oct 23 at 2021 2:04 PM

2021-10-23T14:04:15-04:00

Respect each other.

Response by CPO Greg Frazho made Oct 23 at 2021 2:13 PM

2021-10-23T14:13:55-04:00

This answer depends on the scope of the question. If by military couples you mean dual military, let alone differing services dual military, it gets complicated. Same service couples are tough enough, especially in the Navy, because somebody has to go to sea and the other has to go ashore, and they can't be at the same command. Read: you won't see each other much. Different branches is even tougher, because the likelihood of being detailed together is low if not marginal. That can really put a wrench into family planning, parenting, child care plans, et al.

I assume, though, that the question is for couples where one spouse is military, the other not. 1.) Get pre-marital counseling if you're not married yet. I cannot emphasize this enough. Being married to the military is arguably one of the toughest jobs in the military. 2.) Communicate, communicate, communicate! Whether by FT, Zoom, MS Office, telephone or the good, old-fashioned posted mail. If you don't do this, your marriage won't work. 3.) Be flexible and be willing to compromise on things. If you don't, or won't, your marriage won't work. 4.) Network with other married couples who are of roughly the same pay grade as you. It will help, especially when it comes time to PCS to the next duty station.

Response by Maj Ross Webster made Oct 23 at 2021 2:47 PM

2021-10-23T14:47:10-04:00

ENJOY THE RIDE!

Response by CPL Ryan Thibault made Oct 23 at 2021 2:49 PM

2021-10-23T14:49:47-04:00

My advice is to try to remember that one day one or both’s time in the military will come to an end. I mean that in the most positive light possible. Marriage is similar to a novel or “thick book” that has many chapters in it. One day you will both think back to those times and remember the good times, the bad times and the nearly unbearable times. Regardless of those times now long ago, you are still together. You both still love each other and you were able to survive a difficult time together. Life will always present good times and difficult times but, it’s our ability to persevere through them together that helps ensure a strong, loving marriage. Try not to be afraid sharing these thoughts amongst each other. Like many things in life time in the military will come to pass but, your marriage and love for each other goes on if you want it to. Have fun while you can and be serious when you need to be. Your lives are yours. Enjoy them the best you can.

Response by SPC Crystal Sain made Oct 23 at 2021 4:08 PM

2021-10-23T16:08:20-04:00

Be respectful towards each other!

Response by MAJ Mary Brownlee made Oct 23 at 2021 5:08 PM

2021-10-23T17:08:59-04:00

No matter how much you love the army, it will never love you back.

Response by AA Loreen Silvarahawk made Oct 23 at 2021 5:47 PM

2021-10-23T17:47:40-04:00

My advice is communication, honesty and sweet little notes tucked under a pillow, bag or whatever you may think about. My Hubby and I are both Veterans. I believe this is the best because we understand what the other may be going through especially flashbacks. I have seen far too many relationships between a civilian and a military personnel fail due to not understanding anything about military life especially those who have been in combat. It takes a great deal of work but it is all worth it when you celebrate each anniversary as they slip by.

Response by SGT Doug Comer made Oct 23 at 2021 7:03 PM

2021-10-23T19:03:43-04:00

Have a strong relationship foundation. If your spouse gets deployed, will you be able to stay in the relationship, or will it end? I've seen most of them fail. It's the biggest commitment of your life.

Response by CH (CPT) Ephraim Travis made Oct 23 at 2021 7:54 PM

2021-10-23T19:54:55-04:00

As a Chaplain, I sometimes used the Soldier's Creed as marriage guidance. While a bit corny, it was especially useful for SMs and Spouses who were either not of faith or uncomfortable with me being an Orthodox Jew. It was disarming and helpful because it was a common/familiar proclamation. I used the principles contained in the Creed and customized them accordingly for marriage.

Response by SSG Rafael R. Rodriguez Sr. made Oct 23 at 2021 9:07 PM

2021-10-23T21:07:20-04:00

Communication between both spouses is key. My wife was in the military as well working in the S-1 shop while I worked in the S-2 Shop. Sometimes the FTX could be a weekend, week, or even a month depending on the exercise. But when she was left alone, in a foreign country, she had to make the decisions on her own, and run around doing errands. Try having your wife make friends with other military wives, and to join in on activities on base, like the recreation center and volunteering. All these things can help with loneliness while your out in the field.

Response by LTC Stewart Mason made Oct 24 at 2021 3:00 AM

2021-10-24T03:00:34-04:00

Do not expect that your spouse will understand the military life, try to engage them in every aspect of your life that you can. Remember, your family time needs to be a priority and taking it for granted will not work out well for you. My wife was at my side from Corporal to Lieutenant Colonel and with her I enjoyed success. Communicate Communicate Communicate. We have been together for 34 years and we have made it through enjoying the good times and being there for each other tough times The military is a career, but your family is for ever.
Take advantage of any opportunity to attend couples activities. There were almost no activities throughout most my career. I created many opportunities as a senior commander. I know my families while in command appreciated the efforts. If you have any opportunities to enhance military families then spend the time and make the effort. Always remember the spouses and families because when you do your soldier's remember a leader with a heart.

Response by SMSgt Jeff Kyle made Oct 24 at 2021 8:11 AM

2021-10-24T08:11:59-04:00

My wife and I are both retired from the Air Force. She retired several years before I did. While she was still on active duty, we had our first child. After her retirement, I was sent overseas for a one year unaccompanied short tour. The most important thing I can remember from that time is continuing conversations. Phone, letter, videos and morale calls were all important for us. The absolute, must not deviate from, most important thing learned from that tour was constant communication. No matter what, even after that tour, communication is paramount for maintaining a healthy marriage. I was constantly TDY and no matter where I was I maintained communication with her and our two children. The second important ingredient is impeccable trust. Absolute integrity in everything was critical. No matter where I found myself, I always went as if my wife was with me. “No, I won’t go to the strip club” and “no bar hopping for me” are just examples of absolute fidelity in my adventures.

Response by PO1 David Shepardson made Oct 24 at 2021 10:13 AM

2021-10-24T10:13:11-04:00

"Couples"? To late. I would suggest not being married while in the military, it is too overcoming for the average spouse. I know.

Response by CWO3 John Lewandowski made Oct 24 at 2021 10:44 AM

2021-10-24T10:44:05-04:00

My wife and I were both Marines. It was definitely a challenge. We were young and had different challenges as we were in completely separate commands. It takes a lot of understanding and patience. Help each other focus and succeed in your careers and with all the things needed around the home! Semper Fi!

Response by SPC Clay Young made Oct 24 at 2021 2:15 PM

2021-10-24T14:15:21-04:00

Put Jesus first in your lives and you’ll have less problems.

Response by Maj Dale Smith made Oct 24 at 2021 4:02 PM

2021-10-24T16:02:02-04:00

I had a wing commander that attended a wives club meeting, and he asked who the Major and Lt. Col wives were. A couple of the wives raised their hands and he then stated that they were wives and held no rank no matter who they were married to. That impressed me. The spouse of a military member needs to be flexable and outgoing, i.e. willing to meet and play with other spouses. This becomes increasingly important when the military spouse is on deployment and isn't around for months at a time. Hobbies are important, but probably the most important is to remember for both parties, that the non-military member has been managing a household or family for months without the military member. When (s)he returns, they both need to re-define their roles so that they don't both try to run the "family show" at the same time. Both of you are in a unique position to see the world together that exists beyond the 50 miles of where you were born. Look forward to it!

Response by SSG Scott Kelley made Oct 24 at 2021 6:39 PM

2021-10-24T18:39:46-04:00

My advice to military couples is wherever the military takes you, explore that base, town, city, country, or continent together. These shared experiences will fill whatever voids may develop as deployments or missions separate you.

Response by SrA Tracy Leviner made Oct 24 at 2021 8:01 PM

2021-10-24T20:01:55-04:00

When I was in the Army in Germany during the 80's , I can tell you there was a lot of cheating going on . Hopefully things have changed for the better , but I think it is just human nature . You can love someone with all your heart and they can still stray or so can you . When I was stationed at Ramstein AFB , when the Pilots and Crew left to go to competition in Spain every year , the NCO Club would be full of wives looking to hook up . You could literally take your pick . They would ask you to dance with them and buy you drinks all night . One year I was dancing with one Korean lady and she was with 4 of her friends . I ended up dancing with all of them and partying and at the end of the night , the oldest one asked which one of them I wanted to go home with . I jokingly said , " Can I pick 2 ? " She said no , but I was free to pick whichever lady I wanted . I also know of several of my NCOs and Enlisted friends that would cheat on their wives when we went to Crete , Greece every year or even pick up Air Force girls at Fred's Lounge on base .

Response by PO1 Arlene Salvador made Oct 24 at 2021 10:11 PM

2021-10-24T22:11:26-04:00

Communicate as much as possible & be sure to carve out time for yourselves as ADULTS or KIDS depending on the situation. Keep focused on you!!

Response by Cpl Anthony Starcevic made Oct 25 at 2021 12:07 AM

2021-10-25T00:07:31-04:00

If you are truley "military"...you already have a significant other...SEMPER FI!!

Response by MAJ Ward Odom made Oct 25 at 2021 11:44 AM

2021-10-25T11:44:59-04:00

Make sure that you both understand the realities. There are going to be separations. There are going to be moves. There are going to be a plethora of frustrating actions and inactions. While they may not say it any more, there are those that still feel that "if the Army wanted you to have a wife, they would issue one."

Response by CPO Arthur Weinberger made Oct 25 at 2021 5:12 PM

2021-10-25T17:12:33-04:00

The two of you are together because there was a mutual profound attraction. When and if problems arise try to work them out together. If perchance this cannot be resolved, seek professional help. Our military has professional counsellors in and out of the military that are readily available to assist you. Today's military is more empathetic and has many more services at your option. Please use these,
it is not belittling to seek help. Rather, it is wise to do so. You fell in love, keep those embers burning!
G-D has blessed America.

Response by Cpl Craig Howard made Oct 25 at 2021 6:26 PM

2021-10-25T18:26:25-04:00

Be truly sure of the strength of each person before getting married. Military marriage is one of the toughest things someone can do. I did not understand this and it made things so much worse. The spouse must understand that no matter how you feel, the Military MUST come first. Every time. There is a commitment there that will be enforced. I have seen a few marriages that have withstood a full career. One is a friend that is a Senior Chief. His wife is the ultimate Military spouse, and she deserves all of the respect that the service member does. My wife left me since I would not leave the conflict in Operation Desert Storm. She felt her mismanaging of money meant I should come home. She ended up leaving for a fellow Marine. Military Marriage is not for wimps.

Response by MAJ Matthew Thomas made Oct 26 at 2021 1:28 PM

2021-10-26T13:28:17-04:00

Make sure the lines of communication stay open and that you learn to trust each other completely. Separation is never easy but it is much harder when the communication and trust are lacking.

Response by CPL Sheila Lewis made Oct 26 at 2021 1:47 PM

2021-10-26T13:47:13-04:00

Like everything in life, balance is a must.

Response by SrA Barbara Johnson made Oct 26 at 2021 11:11 PM

2021-10-26T23:11:25-04:00

Remember in marriage: Using the silent treatment for days is NOT keeping the peace; it’s manipulation & if done often, becomes mental abuse! Effective communication is the key to peace & happiness. Remember that.

Response by SPC John Coleman made Oct 27 at 2021 2:58 AM

2021-10-27T02:58:03-04:00

If a woman asks you to marry her just say no

Response by MGySgt Thomas Kromis made Oct 27 at 2021 3:15 PM

2021-10-27T15:15:36-04:00

Communication, patience, and understanding (both ways) makes for the best recipe for success -- even through the most challenging times.

Response by MGySgt Thomas Kromis made Oct 27 at 2021 3:15 PM

2021-10-27T15:15:53-04:00

Communication, patience, and understanding (both ways) makes for the best recipe for success -- even through the most challenging times.

Response by SPC Charles McFate made Oct 28 at 2021 12:42 AM

2021-10-28T00:42:20-04:00

When veterans/enlisted come into my antique mall, I always thank the service member and also the family...

Response by SrA John Monette made Oct 28 at 2021 2:09 PM

2021-10-28T14:09:30-04:00

Was never in a serious relationship in the military. However, like any other relationship, both people have to be in it together. With the military, I imagine it is much tougher with deployments and moving duty stations. Find a common interest but make sure you have your own interests, too.

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 29 at 2021 11:51 AM

2021-10-29T11:51:12-04:00

Make sure all your crap's amalgamated before you deploy. Make sure your spouse has access of your accounts and finances. Don't be the d-bag whose spouse has to go to emergency relief because they don't have access to pay bills or buy groceries.

Learn to be independent and self-sufficient. This is a hard for young couples, especially if they move together to a base and one is immediately deployed.

Stay in contact. Deployments aren't what they used to be. You no longer have to search for a phone bank, and make an international collect call. You no longer have to rely on snail mail to catch your family up.

No one, regardless of what your CoC says, cares more about your family and spouse as much or more than you. YOU have to take care of them. YOU have to ensure they have what they need to be successful in your absence.

Be prepared for divorce. It happens more than it doesn't. Hard fact, but still fact.

Response by CMSgt Elbert E. Clayton made Oct 31 at 2021 1:16 PM

2021-10-31T13:16:59-04:00

There needs to be some clarity in the definition of Military couple. One, There can be one military spouse in a marriage, Two, both spouses can be Military in a marriage, and of course Three, there are and can be many nonmarried couples of long term relationships. Those in Type one need to recognize and acknowledge each person's responsibilities and strains on the relationship these bring. Living under the possibility of instant, long or short term deployment for the military member is something that should be prepared for upfront. If not an accompanied deployment, where will the civilian spouse live and if there are children from prior marriages, can they be moved without trouble (local, state, and federal laws can affect these situations seriously). Are there problems already in the marriage, will the deployment separation place additional stress on the marriage, can they afford the possible wholesale movement costs that can be associated with military life. Those in type two reap all the problems Type one may have, plus both live under the stress of all types of deployment (together, separately, or one spouse only) as added problems to be prepared for. Those in Type three also inherit all the above, then must navigate the deployment(s) of each without any official recognition of their relationship. Given the above very limited discussion of Military Life as couples leads me to ask why and how do couples exist in the Military. First, recognize that there is an increased Divorce Rate in the Military. Two, it can be very difficult to surmount all the difficulties that will be presented outside the "normal" civilian only marriage, and requires extreme care and foresight to forestall and overcome these difficulties. My wife and I entered The Marriage Life in year 3 and 9 months of my military career (July 1959). My wife would have been called what in todays' vernacular is called a "cougar" by about 17 months, and it stood her well in the early years of our marriage. Most of her teenage and early adult life she had been hospitalized with Tuberculosis {TB). She had only been out of Hospital for a few months when we got married and expected to join me shortly where I was stationed (McGuire AFB, N. J.).. Upon my return to the base from a seven day Honeymoon, I was sent TDY to Thule AB, Greenland for 90 plus days. Upon my return to McGuire, I received orders to Goose Bay Labrador. After four months in Labrador, I was notified she had again been admitted to a TB Sanitarium and was scheduled for Lung Surgery. She was a strong lady and survived this surgery and several more later on in our marriage. The only advice the Physicians gave her upon discharge was not to get pregnant. I had been given a Humanitarian Reassignment to Scott AFB, IL and when she got home from the Sanitarium we proceeded to completely ignore this advice and she gave birth about 14 months later to our son. It was a very tough labor and birthing, complicated by the need for oxygen assistance and scare of tearing loose previous lung surgical repairs. In those days Fathers were not allowed to stay near, not even in the Hospital over night. Now that I have set the baseline for you, let me regale you with a short version of the next 60 years after the birth of our son. Altogether, I served 27 years, 3 months and 3 days in the USAF. I had 12 years plus in overseas assignments (all were unaccompanied-Multiple PCSs and TDYs) and my wife stuck with me through thick and much thin. I served in Japan before we were married, then Thule, Goose Bay, Vietnam (62-63 and 69-70), Korea (Osan) and over 6 years of the 12 overseas were TDYS of various duration. She was the glue that kept us together, the rubber band that drew me in, and the treasure of my life. Now we are in our "Golden Years", and there is always something or somebody picking at the Gold and wanting a share of it. She has been more willing to share than I, but she has always lead me down the right path and so I will not change now.

Response by SN Kristi Kalis made Oct 31 at 2021 1:33 PM

2021-10-31T13:33:37-04:00

Use every opportunity to tell them you love them and appreciate them for doing all their work and yours while you are away.

Response by PO2 Jonathan Moen made Oct 31 at 2021 1:52 PM

2021-10-31T13:52:04-04:00

Don't have much room to talk about this as I was never married while in the Navy but I would hazard that the away spouse could benefit from a support group whose members are in a similar situation.

Response by PO1 Private RallyPoint Member made Nov 3 at 2021 5:45 PM

2021-11-03T17:45:05-04:00

It’s not going to be easy, but you have to work as a team. Show mutual support. Life is never perfect. Enjoy the moments you’re together.

Response by SPC John Deschenes made Nov 3 at 2021 6:40 PM

2021-11-03T18:40:56-04:00

This is a tough one because I got married just before getting out. But from the relationship side communication is key to survival

Response by 1SG William Houston made Nov 3 at 2021 6:59 PM

2021-11-03T18:59:35-04:00

The decision to initially serve our country may have been a singular decision, but as life has progressed and you are now a couple, both of you are serving together. I believe the success for you as a couple as well as for your career will be based on successful communication and transparency.

The Service Member may endure hardships related to the career field you are in; however, the hardships the spouse and family endure - though different, but still significant.

Career decisions you make as a Service Member impacts your family. Your family is proud of you, and your accomplishments; however, to maintain harmony with the family, it is best to plan ahead with your significant other - they too are part of your career plan. When your significant other understands and shares in your career choices, the more successful your relationship will be.

Finally, do not be afraid to make hard, even difficult decisions that do not benefit you, but your family. PCSing is incredibly taxing, and establishing stability for the family may be a priority for them with a short term cost for you, but a long term benefit for your family. That decision is a joint one, with successful open and transparent conversations with your significant other. You are not alone!

Response by PFC Sandy Cleary made Nov 3 at 2021 7:03 PM

2021-11-03T19:03:59-04:00

You have to be aware of your surroundings

Response by SPC Kerry Weaver made Nov 3 at 2021 7:15 PM

2021-11-03T19:15:42-04:00

Enjoy every minute of your military journey, take advantage of any opportunity for overseas move and move to different states as much as you can. Being able to depend on your main unit(husband, wife, and kids) will make you strong. Because your military family will have your back

Response by CPT David Medley made Nov 3 at 2021 7:18 PM

2021-11-03T19:18:24-04:00

Love the USA and share the Comment together ! Live GOD, FAMILY, COUNTRY ! GOD SAVE THE USA !

Response by SSgt Marina Marini made Nov 3 at 2021 7:20 PM

2021-11-03T19:20:50-04:00

I married my first husband 5 months after joining the AF. He was also AF and we were fortunate enough to work together and be deployed to Okinawa, Japan together. So we had no separations during our time together in the AF. It was after I got out, and he stayed in as an AF recruiter that we grew apart and ended up going our separate ways. Perhaps my advice would be, don't get married at 18yrs old. :) He was 21.

Response by SPC Alexis DuBuque made Nov 3 at 2021 7:44 PM

2021-11-03T19:44:32-04:00

If you are dual military and have kids make sure you have a solid Family Plan. And don’t let your unit try to enact it because your kid is sick. And they want your dad to come down from 6 states away to take care of the kid for 7 hours.

Response by SGT Melina Bush made Nov 3 at 2021 7:50 PM

2021-11-03T19:50:30-04:00

Communication is the key. Tell each other everything.

Response by MSgt Private RallyPoint Member made Nov 3 at 2021 8:17 PM

2021-11-03T20:17:05-04:00

Attend as many Strong Bond events as you can whether it be for couples and/or family go to both. Look into the Billy Graham Training Center, The Cove in Asheville North Carolina whose sponsor free spiritual events for military couples.

Response by SGT Amy Pasqualini made Nov 3 at 2021 8:25 PM

2021-11-03T20:25:01-04:00

Life will be difficult, and you may even be on different time zones, schedules, etc. Make the most time of the time you spend together. Save (and take) that vacation or trip. Make memories!

Response by SPC Michael Saunders made Nov 3 at 2021 8:38 PM

2021-11-03T20:38:28-04:00

In a nutshell, marriage is never meant to be happy and problemless. People act like married couples are not supposed to fight. It's gonna be hard. There is gonna be yelling and screaming, and possibly items thrown. If you truly love your spouse, you will know that the woman you married is still in there... you just gotta remind her! Be patient and things will unfold. As previously stated... marriage is not 50/50, it's 100/100... you need to learn how to talk to your spouse and your spouse needs to learn how to understand and receive what you are saying without getting defensive.

Also, always remind your spouse that you love them!

Response by Sgt Richard Graziano made Nov 3 at 2021 8:43 PM

2021-11-03T20:43:07-04:00

Make sure that each person knows that there will be times that you'll be apart. Prepare for it, talk about how you will try to keep communicating when you're apart. Try to plan for some quality alone time directly after deployments.
And don't be afraid to use counseling if there are any snags.

Response by PFC Angela Ealy made Nov 3 at 2021 8:49 PM

2021-11-03T20:49:40-04:00

Honesty and communication are the two keys for any relationship but even more so a military marriage. Being honest isn't always easy and the longer you try to hide the truth the worse it makes it when it comes out.

Response by SR Alpha Sandy made Nov 3 at 2021 8:51 PM

2021-11-03T20:51:09-04:00

my suggestion is to....stick it out and let Yahweh/Jesus handle the issues, that's if you are out or in the military but if you are in, you know that the military shuns/frowns upon divorce so try to work it out with counseling, pastor that your trust and Elohim. If there are abuse then address it with a domestic pastor/counselor for help to guide you and not someone coming from a bias stand point.

Response by LTC Paul Rivette made Nov 3 at 2021 8:57 PM

2021-11-03T20:57:53-04:00

The best advice I ever got was this:
"You may spend 20 or even 30 years in the Army. But you will be a Husband and Father FOREVER."

Response by CW2 Darrell Newman made Nov 3 at 2021 8:58 PM

2021-11-03T20:58:19-04:00

Trust, you have to trust and support each other, distance is irrelevant. I lived more than 10 years of my time in the military just waiting for my pager or my cell phone to ring, not knowing where it would take me in the world or when I would be back. I had to trust that she would handle everything while I was gone, and she had to trust that I would stay safe, communicate when I could and return safety. And we had to support each other in every way imaginable both while home, and when away.

Response by PO2 Jenny Wu made Nov 3 at 2021 9:00 PM

2021-11-03T21:00:31-04:00

My husband and I were separated for most of our military career. He was deployed with the marines and I for some odd reason was sent overseas unaccompanied. I think the most important thing is to be patient and tune out all the negativities from others. A lot of people will tell you it's not going to work....it is not for them to decide. Even if you get into fights with your partner, it's normal! Don't let anybody tell you it's because you guys are not compatible or that long distance never works. You and your partner are the only ones who can decide which direction the relationship goes.

Response by LTC Private RallyPoint Member made Nov 3 at 2021 9:15 PM

2021-11-03T21:15:51-04:00

Never go to bed upset with one another.
Agree up front on how you want to raise and discipline children
Take advantage of all benefits affordable as a military family staying on post

Also take advantage of education and job training benefits

Response by Denise Leddy made Nov 3 at 2021 9:39 PM

2021-11-03T21:39:08-04:00

Communication is very important. We made it a rule to not go to bed mad or sleep in seperate rooms.

Response by PO3 Marijo Cole made Nov 3 at 2021 10:13 PM

2021-11-03T22:13:16-04:00

I married a veteran after he retired and after I was discharged. He has plenty of medical issues, and I stick with him through it all.

Response by PO2 Doug Young made Nov 3 at 2021 10:30 PM

2021-11-03T22:30:12-04:00

I can’t give that advice as I was single during my enlistment. I would guess that with a couple it requires both to accept military life, one active enlisted and away, the other not enlisted and at home. I would imagine it makes for a tough life.

Response by Sgt David Donnelly made Nov 3 at 2021 10:46 PM

2021-11-03T22:46:11-04:00

Find a good woman. Explain what the military is like and how things are a little crazy. Give her all the support you can. Make use of all the resources available to new couples. Never go on deployment or to a field exercise mad at each other. And don’t try to change everything back to the way it used to be before deploying. Your spouse has a new routine. Work back into it. It will create less stress.

Response by A1C Joseph Copeland made Nov 3 at 2021 10:57 PM

2021-11-03T22:57:29-04:00

Stay away from other married couple. i have bad stories that I can write a book about and it would be number one all time

Response by Sgt Justin Nosenzo made Nov 3 at 2021 11:07 PM

2021-11-03T23:07:31-04:00

I was never married in the Marine Corps, and I have not been married ever, but as someone who is strongly considering it in the near future, make sure you are at 100% before you commit to someone else who is also at 100%. You should not find someone that "completes" you, but someone who pushes you to be even better and grows with you, as a team.

Response by SPC John Funke made Nov 3 at 2021 11:22 PM

2021-11-03T23:22:46-04:00

Stay the course. No retirement beats military retirement. A typical four or five year enlistment is over before you know it. Only a couple re enlistments, and your clear for a lifelong pension, even at a very young age. It’s now a very good living. Excellent training and experiences you won’t gather anywhere else. Let the government give you education/skills. Military honed me and prepped me for a life of learning and put me on path to wonderful career in law enforcement. Trust me the bad times will pass, and will permeate into wonderful memories. All about perspective.

Response by Sgt Juan Rodriguez made Nov 3 at 2021 11:34 PM

2021-11-03T23:34:48-04:00

Use your BAH to purchase a home. This could be an asset once you retire.

Response by SrA Thomas McClellan made Nov 4 at 2021 12:26 AM

2021-11-04T00:26:35-04:00

Communication Communication Communication and faith. You just need to communicate when possible letters phone calls emails just communicate and have faith in each other and in God and Jesus.

Response by CDR Charles Buechele made Nov 4 at 2021 12:31 AM

2021-11-04T00:31:42-04:00

Include God in your marriage and stay focused. Still married after 31 years.

Response by PO3 Freddie Drummer made Nov 4 at 2021 12:41 AM

2021-11-04T00:41:07-04:00

My adive to couple is be honest with on another. Know the difference between love and lust. Remember kids didn't ask to be in the middle of confusion.

Response by SSgt Anthony Coppola made Nov 4 at 2021 12:46 AM

2021-11-04T00:46:27-04:00

One word. Prenup

Response by PO2 John Drake made Nov 4 at 2021 1:05 AM

2021-11-04T01:05:16-04:00

Good communication and honesty is key.

Response by SN DeAndre Loving made Nov 4 at 2021 1:12 AM

2021-11-04T01:12:51-04:00

Take advantage of all the discounts and help that comes along with being a veteran.

Response by CPL James Kalekas made Nov 4 at 2021 1:18 AM

2021-11-04T01:18:38-04:00

Trust is everything! Being able to communicate and share everything that is going on with each other and within the relationship means everything. Be open and honest!

Response by SSG Stewart Ritchey made Nov 4 at 2021 1:43 AM

2021-11-04T01:43:50-04:00

The military is pretty much like a civilian job, except you shine you shoes and say "Yes sir" and "No sir". Sometimes you get a job you like, and sometimes you don't. Sometimes you get a supervisor you like and sometimes you don't.

Response by HN Michelle Nelson made Nov 4 at 2021 1:44 AM

2021-11-04T01:44:57-04:00

Remember that it's tough on both sides of the relationship. Be understanding to each others needs and have open communication. Talk to each other.. talk things out.

Response by MSG Robert Weston made Nov 4 at 2021 2:56 AM

2021-11-04T02:56:59-04:00

Take advantage of time when you are at home with family.., you cant get time back

Response by SGT Darnell Mora made Nov 4 at 2021 3:35 AM

2021-11-04T03:35:35-04:00

You have to give it your all

Response by TSgt Private RallyPoint Member made Nov 4 at 2021 4:12 AM

2021-11-04T04:12:05-04:00

Be sure to truly know your spouse for a long time before marrying them. Know that neither of you should expect the other to change. Ever. Ensure you feel just as content spending lots of time by yourself as you feel with your spouse. The same should go for them so that when you are TDY or deployed a lot, there is no added stress of being apart.

Response by LT Hefsiba Cohen made Nov 4 at 2021 4:16 AM

2021-11-04T04:16:50-04:00

Military life as a family is not easy, and anyone who tells you otherwise is selling something. Military benefits are great for a family, but the downside is that, obviously, there are periods of separation. My biggest advice would be to be sure and join all of the spouse-support groups and stay involved with other military spouses while your significant other is far away. It's important for you to connect with those at home who are in a similar situation, and that way you have your own sense of community and connectedness.

Response by SPC Parvin Daneshvar made Nov 4 at 2021 5:23 AM

2021-11-04T05:23:07-04:00

Being deployed will affect a relationship and it takes patience and time to adjust to being back from deployment and recoginizing roles have changed

Response by Amn Terry Atkins made Nov 4 at 2021 5:44 AM

2021-11-04T05:44:02-04:00

Don't....

Response by PFC Marianne Ludwig made Nov 4 at 2021 5:44 AM

2021-11-04T05:44:05-04:00

Learn to embrace the suck. Because it’s going to. Whether you’re the service member or the dependent, you’ll be alone a lot. Marry someone who is okay on their own. If they’re not…it’s going to be hell for both of you.

Response by PO1 Christopher Griffiths made Nov 4 at 2021 6:44 AM

2021-11-04T06:44:28-04:00

Don't get married

Response by SGT Jeremy Hunt made Nov 4 at 2021 6:59 AM

2021-11-04T06:59:44-04:00

Communicate. Listen to each other. Make the days special when you can.

Response by SPC N Z made Nov 4 at 2021 7:01 AM

2021-11-04T07:01:45-04:00

It's a Marathon journey to help each other see the future while keeping each other company. the tax savings are very favorable to file jointly over separate so Uncle sure know what's best for us

Response by SSgt Stephanie Howell made Nov 4 at 2021 7:06 AM

2021-11-04T07:06:26-04:00

Mil to mil couples face extreme obstacles that civilian couples don't. For example, service before self and before your partner. Military couples have to understand that your duties to your country come first. Your partner isn't neglecting you, they have a mandatory responsibility to their duties just as you do. Open communication is key. Talk about your feelings. We face more difficult and demanding assignments than civilians as our work day never ends. We are always on duty. So talk to your partner, don't bottle up your stress. Help each other get through it together. Trust is a big issue for military couples. With long work days, deployments, TDYs, and always being on call there are times of loneliness, thoughts of insecurity and jealousy, and opportunities for infidelity are at an all time high. Open communication and trust are needed to form a strong foundation to get through these times. If you are thinking of cheating, don't! Be honest with your partner and end it before you get involved with someone else. Nothing hurts more than being cheated on. This betrayal will cause psychological damage that will ruin your partner for any future relationships. If you are even thinking of cheating, then you don't need to be with your partner. Man up and be honest. Otherwise there is no better choice for a partner than another military member. Someone that understands the demands of your work, have the same values, and someone you can rely and depend on. Together you make our military stronger by making each other stronger!

Response by CPL Jeff Young made Nov 4 at 2021 7:39 AM

2021-11-04T07:39:34-04:00

Be patient, loving and honest with each other.

Response by SPC Eric Townsend made Nov 4 at 2021 7:45 AM

2021-11-04T07:45:24-04:00

Make sure you are making decisions together, totally. Your spouse is not just another soldier that has to follow orders. They need to be a part of your life, your partner and they need to have some say in what is happening to them and their family. Don't volunteer for things that are going to affect them without at least consulting them. There are enough times in the military that neither of you will have a choice in what happens, make sure you are giving them the chance to have a say when they can.

Response by TSgt Matthew Covey made Nov 4 at 2021 7:52 AM

2021-11-04T07:52:21-04:00

The best thing I can tell military couples is to be understanding of each other and support each other. Discuss everything and be as open as you possibly can. If you cannot discuss something because of the sensitivity (missions/deployments) tell them it is sensitive and you cannot discuss it.

Response by TSgt Debra Messina made Nov 4 at 2021 7:56 AM

2021-11-04T07:56:25-04:00

Hold on to each other, work together and trust in God. Build marriage around Him, hold on to faith and hope.

Response by SN Alejandra Puente made Nov 4 at 2021 8:18 AM

2021-11-04T08:18:19-04:00

Open communication is important. For the spouse that stays home it is important that you have a support group that will encourage you and keep you accountable of your actions. Be involved in activities at church or giving to the community, classes. Your friends should be married couples. It can be dangerous to hangout a lot with single people because they think as a single person and that can bring temptations. For the deployed spouse same is true. Be careful who you are spending your time with. Marriage is 100%/100% giving. If you feel you cannot share something with your spouse then that is an indication that it not okay and you should not be doing it. Trust and honesty is important.

Response by SPC Patricia K. (Williams) Elliott made Nov 4 at 2021 8:40 AM

2021-11-04T08:40:46-04:00

Don't give up!! It's hard work just being in the military but when you add marriage and children to that mix it can be near impossible! Our biggest problem was finding reliable childcare that we could afford!! Once that happened it went a lot smoother. He would be in the field constantly, and I would be at work for long hours and actually did a 6 day deployment, (I know, kind of ridiculous, but that's what they called it back then) once at Forbes field in Topeka Kansas. Having a support system with good childcare and friends and family who are willing to help out when needed is crucial! Like I said it's hard work but can be done!

Response by Sgt Private RallyPoint Member made Nov 4 at 2021 8:54 AM

2021-11-04T08:54:11-04:00

Do the dumb marriage classes even if you think you don't need it. It would have saved us a lot of stress and arguing. Also over communication.

Response by SPC Sharon Wolfe made Nov 4 at 2021 8:55 AM

2021-11-04T08:55:55-04:00

Just try to understand how difficult it is for the other. The soldier/sailor must follow orders and if that means separation from you that is difficult for them too. The spouse at home or at home with the kids feels overwhelmed at times and burdened to be seemingly handling everything from there. After 29 years, just commit to being a team and supporting your spouse. Communication is key. Talk about everything!

Response by LCDR Jt Greeno made Nov 4 at 2021 9:05 AM

2021-11-04T09:05:50-04:00

Support your spouse, and be accepting of what the Military throws at your Family.

Response by SSG Stephinie Johnson made Nov 4 at 2021 9:09 AM

2021-11-04T09:09:11-04:00

My husband and I met prior to deployment in 2005. We got married in 2009. Marriage while serving is more complicated, but possible. We were in different units but the same Balrigade. We were the same rank, but because I was Brigade level and he was Battalion level, I kind of out ranked him. There were times I made more than him which could effect pride, but being accepting is most important. Another complication that played a part was travel. I was an instructor so I traveled often. At this time, he was no longer serving. Sometime he was able to join me and others he could not. We spoke often on the phone and returning made it feel new all over again. Communication is huge and expressing future goals are important. Letting your partner know your expected path may help you plan better for the future. Making sure to always be flexible and willing to step aside when needed is the key. No one warns you about how difficult it could be while two are serving, but it is possible. We just celebrated 12 years 2 weeks ago, so I know it is possible.

Response by SMSgt Katrina McIntosh made Nov 4 at 2021 9:17 AM

2021-11-04T09:17:45-04:00

My husband was the civilian, he had to start over with a job every time we moved. My advice to the civilian spouse, try to get into civil service. You aren't guaranteed a job, but if you get one at the new dirty I station, your years add up and you keep your pay level.

Response by CPL T.A. Nelson made Nov 4 at 2021 9:22 AM

2021-11-04T09:22:00-04:00

Before a couple is separated or before anything changes, by deployment or just training; it is important that they prepare for all possible issues. Wills, POA, contact the churches/wives club, knowledge of the Chain of Command, Bank accounts ( a joint account needs to be set), and a conversation must be had to make sure that both are aware of what is possible...

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Nov 4 at 2021 9:24 AM

2021-11-04T09:24:05-04:00

I met my wife 1 year after being the Army. She is still with me after nearly 20 years of marriage. I have talked to many of my past Soldiers about what it takes. I am sure there is plenty of great advice on this thread, but here is my perspective:
The foundation of any relationship is the love you both feel for each other, so that is the given. Here are the main three issues I see in regards to failing marriages.
1. Trust - You can't truly love and respect someone that doesn't have your confidence (in whatever regard). Military couples spend exorbitant amounts of time away from each other. Without trust, people will wonder and find another (i.e. "Jody") and you'll just ramp up the stress do to assumptions and potentialities.
2. Communication - There is no such thing as over communicating. Shared understanding promotes clarity and you will need this whether you're in the military or not.
3. Finances - Figure out what works best between the two of you. I've seen so many methods and some are odd but they work for that particular couple. Bottom line is that there has to be an understanding and a plan.
These are the big three... there are so many other things to add (compassion, dedication, child rearing, expectations, religion, etc) but lock these three down before and during the marriage to establish a healthy foundation.
Sorry for the long response.

Response by Cpl Jeff Burns made Nov 4 at 2021 9:45 AM

2021-11-04T09:45:04-04:00

Being married takes you being all in, and when military comes in, it takes a special type of commitment. I believe it takes a village when one or both are serving. The best advice I could give is to be completely honest with each other about everything. Be a team

Response by Col Private RallyPoint Member made Nov 4 at 2021 9:50 AM

2021-11-04T09:50:04-04:00

Listen more than talk.

Response by A1C Michael Brunswick made Nov 4 at 2021 9:52 AM

2021-11-04T09:52:03-04:00

Stay close

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Nov 4 at 2021 9:57 AM

2021-11-04T09:57:35-04:00

Save money, raise your kids to be better than yourself.

Response by MSG Steve Durrah made Nov 4 at 2021 10:07 AM

2021-11-04T10:07:31-04:00

Communicate! Depending on your military job, make your spouse realizes the amount of time you may be away. Find a good support system with family, unit support organizations, church or neighbors, so that you’re not alone.

Response by PO3 Christopher Dann made Nov 4 at 2021 10:10 AM

2021-11-04T10:10:20-04:00

First, I have the utmost respect and gratitude for spouses of our military members. To me, their job is hard, if not harder, than being in the military itself. My wife and I got married 30 years ago, right before I joined the Navy. If there is any advice I can give military spouses, not to sound too cliché, but you have to be able to adapt and overcome. Between the regular duty station moves, the crazy work schedules, deployments, and more, you have to be prepared to take on the sole responsibility of managing your family's finances, childcare (if you have children), housekeeping, and everything else you can possibly imagine. You both have to truly be prepared to "become one unit" working cohesively as a team, to share as many responsibilities together as you can, to help maintain each other's sanity. For the spouse who is in the military, you have to be prepared, after deployment, duty, etc. to step up and "relieve" your partner to allow them some downtime, and catch their breath, because while you were away, they have been doing double, and sometimes triple the work you have been doing while you were gone. Their truly has to be an unconditional love, that goes beyond all measure, and team work that rivals even the best Seal teams, in order to survive the sometimes overwhelming odds. To get down to the brass tacks, if the 2 of you can survive military life, you can overcome anything life tries to throw at your marriage, in the years to come.

Response by CPL Stephanie Lyle made Nov 4 at 2021 10:23 AM

2021-11-04T10:23:34-04:00

You have to understand that being military isn't just the member, it's both of you. The spouse has to realize that there will be times the service member must do things they don't want to at the worst times possible (deployments, hardship tours, etc...). This doesn't mean that it's all on the spouse to give up everything for the service member. The service member must understand that the spouse needs support too. Kids, house, bills, their own jobs all take a toll on spouses. For a military marriage to work is a 100/100% relationship giving less is setting up for failure.

Response by PO2 Steve Hall made Nov 4 at 2021 10:27 AM

2021-11-04T10:27:59-04:00

I would recommend purchasing a house as early as you can in your career. It's a major advantage to own as soon as you can.

Response by PO2 Lisa Nesbitt made Nov 4 at 2021 10:29 AM

2021-11-04T10:29:53-04:00

I remained single while in the service.I dated but never married. What I do know is at that time it was easier if there was only 1 individual that was military not both that way they got to be together. Not always if both parties were married was there a promise that they would be stationed together and I am sure that would have been hard on both parties.

Response by Sgt William Meiers made Nov 4 at 2021 10:32 AM

2021-11-04T10:32:35-04:00

I would just say communicate, communicate, and communicate. Each side has their concerns, thoughts and feelings. Neither side is right or wrong, you need to listen to each other and make sure you understand both sides, and if you can't understand both sides, again communicate.

Response by CMC Alex Webb made Nov 4 at 2021 10:41 AM

2021-11-04T10:41:48-04:00

Coordinate assignments. What’s great for your job goals isn’t always great for home goals.

Response by MGySgt Private RallyPoint Member made Nov 4 at 2021 10:52 AM

2021-11-04T10:52:15-04:00

Listen to each other. No matter how difficult, trivial, irritating, annoying, irrelevant, the topic, listen to each other. That was the hardest lesson my wife and I had to learn. We are both very independent people and didn't realize how being together changed each other's lives. When we got married, I ripped her from her career and family, took her halfway across the world for three years, expected her to understand military life (her not having anyone who was military in her family that was still living), and to become a housewife and new mother. I was going through Survivors Guilt but couldn't explain it because I didn't fully understand it yet. I tried to force her to attend work and work-family functions with people she didn't know and didn't have anything in common with. I didn't realize how much of an introvert she was and how hard I was making things for her. We almost lost each other in this madness until I finally decided to get help and started to see what I was doing to her and myself. We finally started talking about everything and it has taken us years but we are in a much better place but so much damage has been done. It is a hard thing to do, but truly become one with each other and listen to each other. It is worth it.

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Nov 4 at 2021 11:04 AM

2021-11-04T11:04:35-04:00

It's hard on a relationship, for a spouse who has to understand that the needs of the Army will always come before the needs of the family.

Response by PO2 Mr Ree made Nov 4 at 2021 11:08 AM

2021-11-04T11:08:12-04:00

Honestly, if I could give some advice, it would be: take advantage of the Service members Civil Relief Act as soon as you are in, buy a duplex at your first or second duty station (Don't wait, just do it!) and rent it out when you move then buy another duplex at your new duty station then repeat, finally; if you are married make sure can trust them to handle all of the property while you are away and make sure to test them. if you can't trust them.. get unmarried before you purchase anything.

Response by MSgt Mike Ash made Nov 4 at 2021 11:10 AM

2021-11-04T11:10:12-04:00

It's very important for each to understand what's in store (for BOTH!). Knowledge is power and it could never be more true in this situation. In "regular" life, there are always ups and downs, but in the military it's a whole different kettle of fish. Deployments apart are especially tough, but moving together to different parts of the country (or WORLD!) can prove nearly as stressful. Understanding, cooperation and keeping the faith are what will get you through. Not for the faint-hearated.

Response by PO2 Charity Keller made Nov 4 at 2021 11:12 AM

2021-11-04T11:12:27-04:00

My first is when I get married because I was pregnant I never do that again. Trying to live off base was difficult sometimes we did not have enough for our bills. But we always make sure our daughter was taken care of. Before you marry someone in the military make sure you understand there are long periods of times that you will be by yourself or both of you will be away from your children

Response by Victoria Gaines made Nov 4 at 2021 11:14 AM

2021-11-04T11:14:05-04:00

My husband and I got married very young which is common in the military but we met in high school and dated for a couple years before getting married. I ended up leaving college and moving to NC because he got hurt and needed to get multiple surgeries. Marriage is a team. It requires each partner to respect each other and as a spouse of someone in the military there's so much to learn about the cultural aspect of the military and emotionally being able to support your spouse. My husband left the marine corps 100% disabled with ptsd and I gave up having a career in my mid 20's because he needed me to be with him daily. 12 years later, I can happily say that my husband is my best friend and we have spent every single day together. With God's help, I am his battle buddy in life after the marine corps. We have been through many ups and downs but I promise if you can have patience and love and respect for your spouse and faith that everything will be ok you'll be just fine.

Response by Victoria Gaines made Nov 4 at 2021 11:15 AM

2021-11-04T11:15:43-04:00

Response by PO2 Katrina Dang made Nov 4 at 2021 11:17 AM

2021-11-04T11:17:46-04:00

be patient, make time for yourself and each other, communicate.

Response by SN Ian L made Nov 4 at 2021 11:42 AM

2021-11-04T11:42:09-04:00

Don't get married until you've been through two deployments with them.

Response by PO2 Amanda Stangl made Nov 4 at 2021 11:51 AM

2021-11-04T11:51:07-04:00

Being married to another servicemen/Veteran can definitely have its advantages & disadvantages. My best advice would be to truly listen, as both our military experiences are/were very different, he’s a Marine while I was in the Navy. Him being a combat Veteran & what he experienced was far more taxing on his mind and his body, be patient just because you both served don’t assume you know what he went through or that you alone can help him through his demons or make it better for him. The VA has made huge strides in effectively assisting with PTSD and other post war hardships, encourage your loved one & reach out together to get educated & it’ll help you grow closer as a couple. Sometimes what we don’t understand can scare the shit out of us- being properly educated & getting the tools needed to be understand and deal with various issues will allow us to be happy & successful, which is paramount to a healthy and happy relationship with your fellow Veteran partner. It’s so important that both Veterans seek assistance in understanding what the other is going through, as we all deal with grief, hardship & stress differently- it’s so easy to get frustrated, angry & think it’s their problem they have issues when it’s really both good of yours. Don’t let it come between you let it bring you together closer than ever by putting forth the effort to understand from all viewpoints - seek help from qualified people who work with Veterans they truly know more than you and your partner realize & they can help!

Response by PO3 Jessica Holschen made Nov 4 at 2021 11:58 AM

2021-11-04T11:58:20-04:00

Being married in the military brings its own challenges. It usually leaves one person feeling that they come second in their marriage to the military. My greatest advice was to continue to date your significant other. Make time to spend alone, with no distractions. Put the phones down and talk. Life is too short to stay silent in a marriage.

Response by PFC Tia Lorta made Nov 4 at 2021 12:02 PM

2021-11-04T12:02:47-04:00

Make sure to take exclusive time as a couple weekly. Don’t feel bad about leaving the kids with grandparents or a sitter. Use the time to connect emotionally, spiritually, and have a good time.

Response by Sgt Tony Vigil made Nov 4 at 2021 12:04 PM

2021-11-04T12:04:56-04:00

While being in the service of your country, it is not really different from civilian life. Be true to one-and-other. Most importantlly include each other in all your activities. Talk to each other specifically on your feelings of your daily military life. Temporary assingments will greatly impact your daily lifes, more importantly the seperation of overseas duties. Keep involved with other military families. When given the chance become a active member of a place of worship and if spiritual, keep your God in the center of your home.
Love one another as you want to be loved.

Response by SSgt Joshua Strick made Nov 4 at 2021 12:07 PM

2021-11-04T12:07:18-04:00

Patience and communication go both ways. Cherish all the good times, Share in the bad times, live for the vacations and family time, always be ready for the unscheduled interruptions to family life.

Response by SPC Brian Brown made Nov 4 at 2021 12:19 PM

2021-11-04T12:19:20-04:00

You’re together for a reason. Times will inevitably get tough. Don’t forget why you’re together. Communication and trust are key! The second you lose either is the moment when the relationship can fail. Jodie is real and not always in the military. You’re stronger together and can be in spite of any obstacle, especially deployment. Just be true to yourselves and your partners and your relationship will likely last.

Response by PO2 Brittany King made Nov 4 at 2021 12:23 PM

2021-11-04T12:23:30-04:00

You have to have trust in your partner. Being married in the military is so hard because there is always so much jealousy from everyone!
My current marriage has worked because we were both prior military but met and married AFTER we were both out. So we understand our pasts and where we came from and our experiences but we don't have to deal with it now. I think that's the best way to do it.
When both partners are active duty, it is so hard especially if separated/deployed to different areas. When just one is in the military and one is a civilian most of the spouses/dependents that I met were annoying/entitled thinking they are amazing because they did so much "work" supporting their spouse... the wives that stayed home and did nothing seemed to cause more problems in the relationship. The wives that actually worked seemed to be able to make their relationship work better/last. Don't just be a dependent, contribute as well!

Response by Capt Private RallyPoint Member made Nov 4 at 2021 12:34 PM

2021-11-04T12:34:52-04:00

Be humble and show compassion. Your spouse is not your enemy, the devil is your enemy. He is out to kill, steal, and destroy marriages. Do not let that fool win. Fight for your marriage. Show forgiveness, ask for forgiveness. Do fun things with each other. Laughing is so great! Try a comedy club or watch funny videos together.

Response by CMSAF Eric Stephens made Nov 4 at 2021 12:39 PM

2021-11-04T12:39:36-04:00

The military is hard on married couples. I guess the best advice is to know what you're getting into before marriage. I feel too many young troops marry for the wrong reason and it creates chaos for them in their personal life which results in chaos for their military career. If you are having trouble, seek marriage counseling!

Response by CPL Jason Blackwood made Nov 4 at 2021 12:40 PM

2021-11-04T12:40:22-04:00

I wasn't in a relationship with anyone when I joined the military but, if I were to give advice on the subject, I would have to say be prepared to be single for as long as the military wants you to be because 1 of the sayings I lived by in the Army was you marry the military and they decide when the time is right for you to settle down.

Response by SP5 Sara DuBois made Nov 4 at 2021 12:54 PM

2021-11-04T12:54:36-04:00

So my advice to relationships in the military is you have to be mentally strong. It takes air of love to sustain a long distance, short communicating relationship. Some military couples have different living situations, but to be with someone in the military means you also live that lifestyle. They will need to have someone they can trust and depend on while they serve our country, and what better job to do than just that. Leading our nation!

Response by SPC Jesse Johnson made Nov 4 at 2021 1:42 PM

2021-11-04T13:42:52-04:00

My wife joined me at fort Lewis and also Frankfort, Germany and it was kind of hard on her when we did bibwac or if I had guard duty or anything that kept me from coming home so I really recommend that the wife or husband stay in their home state or city.

Response by Sgt Timothy Gassman made Nov 4 at 2021 1:45 PM

2021-11-04T13:45:35-04:00

The divorce-rate in the military is unbelievable, especially within the first enlistment. I think the key to a stable relationship for military couples is communication. You can't keep secrets from each other and have a healthy marriage or relationship. There has to be an understanding that you can talk about things going on in each of your lives where the only expectation is to listen and attempt to understand. You don't have to solve each other's problems, but you can be an open non-judgmental ear. You have to respect each other and not let things turn into useless shouting competitions.

Response by SPC Private RallyPoint Member made Nov 4 at 2021 2:10 PM

2021-11-04T14:10:17-04:00

I was married on my second deployment and all i can say it's not to worry about back home, they're doing enough worrying for you.

Response by LT Private RallyPoint Member made Nov 4 at 2021 2:13 PM

2021-11-04T14:13:32-04:00

Military couples need to do everything possible to support each other. If married to a non Military, make sure your civilian partner understands the nature of your job by over communicating your ins and out unless restricted by OPSEC. Additionally, encourage each other to grow personally and professionally. Exercise together when possible to lower stress level.

Response by SFC Michael Elam made Nov 4 at 2021 2:13 PM

2021-11-04T14:13:41-04:00

be sure you are with someone you are willing to be for the rest of your life

Response by LTC Erby Montgomery made Nov 4 at 2021 2:57 PM

2021-11-04T14:57:48-04:00

Talk about it, do not shut down and go inside yourself ! Get help if you need it, whatever it may be……

Response by SrA Larry Gray made Nov 4 at 2021 3:07 PM

2021-11-04T15:07:19-04:00

Have babies while you’re in. You can’t imagine how much that cost when you’re out with no medical!

Response by SPC Hakeem Britt made Nov 4 at 2021 3:20 PM

2021-11-04T15:20:48-04:00

Do more tours. Thats where the money at

Response by PO1 Francis Bulfamante made Nov 4 at 2021 3:29 PM

2021-11-04T15:29:22-04:00

Not being a part of a military couple, aim a bit out of my depth here. I'd risk advising honesty in all cases though. Yeah. That's it. Honesty.

Response by PFC Rachel Duff made Nov 4 at 2021 4:02 PM

2021-11-04T16:02:24-04:00

remember patience is key in any relationship and be each other's teammate above all else

Response by SSG Michael Jenkins made Nov 4 at 2021 4:18 PM

2021-11-04T16:18:50-04:00

Its basically you and your spouse against the world. Lol. Because no matter how much the duty station changes, the job changes, rank and position changes, the one thing that will remain the same is you and your spouse. That is the one constant thing.

Response by PO1 Capri Cruz made Nov 4 at 2021 4:24 PM

2021-11-04T16:24:45-04:00

Get in and stay in couples counseling. Look at it like you take your car to the shop for oil changes and for preventive maintenance. Do the same for your relationship. Creating a healthy relationship is not intuitive to many people. We all need some form of help when doing the seemingly impossible.

Response by SN David Miller made Nov 4 at 2021 4:44 PM

2021-11-04T16:44:45-04:00

Marriage and the Military is not a good mix unless you’re an officer with all the perks. An E-3 enlisted man or woman is very likely to be divorced in the 1st four years of marriage. Wait till you get out before you marry.

Response by SPC Dennis Danielson made Nov 4 at 2021 4:46 PM

2021-11-04T16:46:12-04:00

Every relationship has challenges, and being in one while in the military even more so. Unfortunately, I didn't handle it well. I wish I had done better listening, empathizing, cooperating, trusting, and being patient with my significant other.

Response by PO2 Dennis Newman made Nov 4 at 2021 5:42 PM

2021-11-04T17:42:37-04:00

Save some time just to catch up & talk with each individual immediate family member one to one after deployment.

Response by Sgt Christopher Jackson made Nov 4 at 2021 5:43 PM

2021-11-04T17:43:28-04:00

It took me years of mistakes to come up with this. Put Your faith in God, don't look to your partner to make you happy, if you put God first in your marriage and life, everything else will fall into place.

Response by 1SG DaVona Kirkwood made Nov 4 at 2021 6:05 PM

2021-11-04T18:05:46-04:00

When I first joined the military, I would hear people say if Uncle Sam wanted you to have a family, he would have issued you one. However, marriage and family is part of the package deal. What I would tell a married military couple is to have compassion and understanding for one another in all things. The way a couple may be in their relationship or how they run the household when they first join the military will not be the same months and years into the journey. The dynamic of everything will change. You have marriages where both are service members, you have marriages where there is only one service member but both spouses are in a position of serving even if they don’t wear the uniform. Times can be hard, they can be stressful, but you must learn to love each other harder through those tough times. Being a stay at home spouse is equally important as the service member that puts on a uniform every day. Value and validate each other and be grateful for what each person provides for the marriage. Both spouses should know where all important papers are stored and have access to them, have access to the family household finances, both should know how to pay the household bills. Who to contact in case of an emergency in the absence of one spouse. This is extremely important when it comes to field exercises and deployment. After deployments, the service member may not be the same person he or she was when they left..BE PATIENT and UNDERSTANDING, it takes time to mentally decompress from the experience. The wife or husband that is left behind will no not be the same person, they have to step up and be the head of the house in the absence of the service member, and if they held it down doing it alone, please do not return from deployment and just snatch that strength, independence and pride away from them. Encourage, embrace and validate the good job they did while you were gone. Show some appreciation for one another, remember everybody had to sacrifice something. Slowly integrate yourselves back into the family flow that works and keeps harmony, this is especially true if children are involved. Enjoy the military life, make friends, stay in touch with your families, make the most of traveling and don’t forget to pay yourself and save some money for rainy days.

Response by FN Simon Trejo made Nov 4 at 2021 6:26 PM

2021-11-04T18:26:28-04:00

Maintain strong as a couple you know the distance apart from each other, but in the end it is a moral obligation to serve in the United States armed forces

Response by SFC Donald Mulder made Nov 4 at 2021 6:48 PM

2021-11-04T18:48:08-04:00

Communication is key. The military environment can and will change in a heartbeat without notice. Prepare each other for those changes and reach out for "help" when it gets to be too much. Your brothers and sisters in arms will uplift you beyond anything you could ever imagine!

Response by LCpl Kassie Hampton made Nov 4 at 2021 7:20 PM

2021-11-04T19:20:58-04:00

My advice would be to be patient and understanding of the others views on life. Try not to let this have horrible impact on your communication. Take little breaks to calm down to think more clearly.

Response by A1C Margaret Hall made Nov 4 at 2021 7:21 PM

2021-11-04T19:21:06-04:00

Communication is always key. It took my husband a few years to catch on to that. He would go overseas or deploy to the desert and I would get a one page letter or a five line email. Until he was involved in a plane crash in the desert. Something woke up in him then. He lost two comrades and it hit him pretty hard. I still have the letter he sent to me after his debriefing. It was an email but it was Long. And it was so deep and meaningful you can still see the tearstains I covered it with (I printed it out after I read it and I reread it several times later). After that, he didn't have any trouble talking to me. I didn't have to ask how his day was (I did anyway) because he would tell me what he was allowed to say over dinner.
We retired in 2011 and still talk about his day, my day, God, our two grown up girls. Anything and everything that comes to mind. It was hard for a long time not hearing anything about how he felt or what he was doing or going through. Just talk to each other. The military life (active duty and spouse) is hard enough when you feel like you're doing it on your own. Communication makes it a partnership. You're in it together. So be there for each other. Every day.

Response by PO2 James Hampson made Nov 4 at 2021 7:22 PM

2021-11-04T19:22:34-04:00

I believe military life is not for everyone. You have to be outgoing and enjoy being with other military couples. If you don't, it is going to be rough.

Response by SFC Leo Sharpe made Nov 4 at 2021 7:22 PM

2021-11-04T19:22:52-04:00

Talk and share. Listen and don’t judge. Trust in each other.

Response by SFC Dennis Reabold made Nov 4 at 2021 7:23 PM

2021-11-04T19:23:47-04:00

I married another service member and we've always served on same base. For the most part branch will work to keep you together. It can be tough, especially if you have kids. My wife and I served for 10 years until my retirement and she is still active going on 32 years. Communication and understanding is the key to make it work, like any marriage.

Response by SGT Jaclyn Search made Nov 4 at 2021 7:35 PM

2021-11-04T19:35:40-04:00

My husband and I both served in the Army at the same time. We both had an MOS in the telecommunications field, but not the same one, so we often were deployed at different times and to different places. It is really important to communicate honestly and often and to support each other's need to be gone on missions without piling on guilt or pressure. The fact that one or both of you may be away from home for long periods doesn't mean you aren't committed to your spouse & family. You just have a commitment to your oath and uniform too.

Response by SP5 Erica Miller made Nov 4 at 2021 7:36 PM

2021-11-04T19:36:10-04:00

Everyday it is coming to realization that you both chose one another. Keep God with you in every easy step and in every hard step. Remember thankfulness and forgiveness go together but also have fun- laughter goes a long way in the moments its hard.

Response by A1C Wayne Carpenter made Nov 4 at 2021 7:57 PM

2021-11-04T19:57:24-04:00

Communicate, communicate, communicate. If you want a relationship that will last through deployments, I think communicating how each other feels about things will keep things from building up.

Response by SGT Ray Wilner made Nov 4 at 2021 8:01 PM

2021-11-04T20:01:26-04:00

As a couple make sure you take advantage of what is offered. There are quite a few educational opportunities for the whole family. There are recreational opportunities too. Not all opertuntities are on the base. Don't be afraid to explore. You only have to stay on base if ordered to do so. If over seas. You can make some great international friends.

Response by PO3 Paul Scheel made Nov 4 at 2021 8:08 PM

2021-11-04T20:08:20-04:00

Keep Your Head down
Keep Home life Private and work at the Base

Response by LCpl Michael David made Nov 4 at 2021 8:10 PM

2021-11-04T20:10:36-04:00

Remember why you got married! If it was for tricare and bah then you get what you get. Like life there are good times and hard times. Be willing to listen to each other. Communication is key, at the end of the day be honest with each other. There are many stresses for both sides not one is more important than the other. If the service member is stressed about home life it can effect more than just him. And if the spouse is stressed it usually leads to a blue light when you get deployed. Love, god and trust that’s what is most important.

Response by SFC Cesar Soto made Nov 4 at 2021 8:13 PM

2021-11-04T20:13:14-04:00

Communicate approximately your upcoming separation. Set apart some quiet time to talk about your emotions and plan how every one of you'll manage during your time apart. if you have youngsters, get a sitter and spend a few hours alone together with your spouse in honest, open communication. Don’t forget about or dismiss your feelings. be sure to talk about the way you’ll cope with emergencies, parenting problems, and finances. discover human beings you could hook up with for a guide.

Response by SFC Cesar Soto made Nov 4 at 2021 8:13 PM

2021-11-04T20:13:43-04:00

Response by PO2 Sasha Martin made Nov 4 at 2021 8:22 PM

2021-11-04T20:22:11-04:00

To be prepared for plan B, plan C, and plan D. It’s important to remain flexible as you never know what changes may take place. Enjoy the time that you do have together and find ways to connect when apart

Response by PO2 Jw Chadwick made Nov 4 at 2021 8:38 PM

2021-11-04T20:38:40-04:00

Grow thick skin and learn to do things by yourself or at least without the significant other.

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Nov 4 at 2021 8:45 PM

2021-11-04T20:45:17-04:00

Patience is something you will need for your relationship. Don't hover too much and make your spouse do everything as soon as they get home. Work together on small projects or have date night once a week if possible. When one is tired, make other plans and don't get discouraged because original plan didn't work. Support of each other's role/job is really important; put away the phones and actually talk to one another.

Response by Sgt Michael Mote made Nov 4 at 2021 9:19 PM

2021-11-04T21:19:42-04:00

One helpful thing was to both pick something to learn with on deployment. Language learning was big for me and we would share progress along the way. A friend of mine and his wife both learned how to play guitar so they actually played together when they returned. It made the time fly and kept us busy. We also set rules for each other so that we wouldn't put ourselves in situations that would lead to infidelity and other issues. Lastly, keeping a journal of positive experiences with your spouse helps to keep the fire burning when you read them on a periodic basis.

Response by SPC Audriana Hairston made Nov 4 at 2021 9:20 PM

2021-11-04T21:20:35-04:00

My experience being married in the military was different than others as my husband was civilian and I the woman was active duty... The best advice I could give other couples that are in the military is to not allow allow outside people dictate their relationship. Your experience does not have to be theres. Yes you are a soldier but you're still human too. Prioritize your partnership. And don't get distracted by the chaos that can come with the military or any negative stigmas.

Response by SPC Joseph Rebro made Nov 4 at 2021 9:23 PM

2021-11-04T21:23:17-04:00

My advice would be to make sure your prepared to be away from each other and develop a support group with other couples.

Response by SGT Carlos Leyva made Nov 4 at 2021 9:23 PM

2021-11-04T21:23:41-04:00

Communication

Response by Kayna Ross made Nov 4 at 2021 9:25 PM

2021-11-04T21:25:56-04:00

If you don't have Jesus in your marriage, I say that he makes this journey much more pleasant to handle. Keep your faithfulness in him and he will see you through the storms.

Response by SrA Robert McAvoy made Nov 4 at 2021 9:29 PM

2021-11-04T21:29:39-04:00

My family grew slowly, but firmly because we had to adapt in order to thrive. We know that now, but did not while we were going through it. However, we can look back now and see the rich legacy that we share with other military families. That experience should be shared with other young people, male and female alike. It accelerates an individual’s maturity, character formation, and resilience.

Response by SSgt Alejandra Sanchez made Nov 4 at 2021 9:31 PM

2021-11-04T21:31:58-04:00

For the active duty member, keep your partner involved in your career, teach them about the military and be honest. The more your partner understands about the military the more understanding they will be about your career making it easier for them to be supportive. Being honest it’s important because at times it’s easy to blame things on the military or your command but it actually gives your partner a bad taste of the military. As a partner of a military person, I think it’s important for you to be supportive and adaptable to their career however, find something that allows you to feel like your accomplishing something or being productive in each duty station. By doing this, you won’t feel like you weren’t allowed to have a career because you had to follow your partner around. And it will also allow you to be happy with yourself and in return be there supportive partner a military member needs. ❤️

Response by LCpl Shaun Law made Nov 4 at 2021 9:58 PM

2021-11-04T21:58:45-04:00

The spouse is definitely the backbone of the mission ready requirement. I personally think it is the first lady who runs this country who has the ear heart and mind of the president. Keep this balance happy and you will be Mission ready. Happy spouse happy life.

Response by PO2 Kevin C O Dunn made Nov 4 at 2021 10:16 PM

2021-11-04T22:16:21-04:00

It is sooo important that there are no holes in your understanding of each other. Little glitches in your understanding of the values of each individual are easily surmounted in regular civilian life, but when you add the stress of separation and the rigidity of the ebb and flow of family routine under the structure of the military those little unaddressed conflicts can become monsters. Loneliness in separation can be destructive. Overlooked value conflicts, hidden financial agendas, domestic chaos can be harmful to your relationship. The key is knowing each other through and through. Military marriages are not compatible with disengagement. The independence of the non-enlisted or non-commissioned partner has to be developed but the sanctity of the relationship has to be held as the highest priority. For this, community is essential, and support from people who have figured it out. C clergy can be helpful too, not just in times of conflict but in key ways to develop a flow that keeps the bliss in your marriage. The departure is always stressful but the reunion can be too. The returning hero has to understand that the spouse holding down to fort is in charge and until your partner relaxes into your return it is best to allow the structure to thrive and just enjoy your blessings.

Response by SN John Geralds made Nov 4 at 2021 10:20 PM

2021-11-04T22:20:01-04:00

In the Navy it is rough because you have to deploy, and leave your family. The best way to adjust is to meet friends when you are in town that have common interests. Or maybe somebody who lives in your community, next door or down the street. It was a great time to meet people because we were very young. We were less set in our ways. And still in the impressionable phase of our lives. It was nice to go out to California and learn how different things were there from West cowtown Ohio.

Response by SN Aaron Wheeler made Nov 4 at 2021 10:26 PM

2021-11-04T22:26:20-04:00

Take it slow, you don’t have to live with each other or get married till after you get out. Best advice I got

Response by PO2 Darin Hetman made Nov 4 at 2021 11:09 PM

2021-11-04T23:09:49-04:00

Be honest and try to set up times to talk or email.

Response by HN Shaun Ryan made Nov 4 at 2021 11:23 PM

2021-11-04T23:23:38-04:00

Whichever person isn't in the military, make sure to be understanding. Understand that your partner will have some hard times domestically and abroad. Understand that though you feel lonely while your partner is deployed, they may have it worse. Cheating with jodi isn't excused because you feel lonely or any other reason. Be open and honest with each other.

Response by PO2 Henry Sotomayor made Nov 5 at 2021 12:04 AM

2021-11-05T00:04:39-04:00

Always be honest even if it's not something you want to share. Before deploying talk about expectations and any plans. Be careful with emails as there maybe something lost in translation.

Response by AB Dee Schuyler made Nov 5 at 2021 5:00 AM

2021-11-05T05:00:23-04:00

For me the military was a blessing. Yet when I came out I fell into "don't ask, and don't tell" uniform that I didn't know existed. (About a "exposure risk that could not be discussed".) This exposure became a "secret". And secrets are a serious hardship to both "equally" in a marriage. (And the amount of exposure that I received still remains a secret from me. Although I know it was high because of a couple illnesses that affect me.)
A fair questions to ask if the silence comes from a loved one, would be: "is there something bothering you? And if the replies are "No" with a hint of falsehood then ask "is something bothering you that is listed as "restricted" that you cannot share?
An answer of "yes" then needs to be met with acceptance.
It is not easy for either party. One does not want to keep a secret, the other does not want to know there is something bothering a spouse that he or she cannot share.
The military life can include secrets. I've always wanted to know about my father's service. (He had scars. He had nightmares that included screaming. He had the shell shock when a loud sound would set him off. He never talked about it. And I have yet to be able to get his military records.)
Acceptance that there will be things that will not be shared from a person's military time is necessary.
Acceptance that we, or a spouse may never know those secrets.
We all have some secrets in life. A military person may have more then a civilian. And...some are just to painful to share.
You marry into the military then be prepared to let that person have time alone. Give acceptance that he may have burdens that he may want, or must carry alone.

Response by Cpl Jimmie Debity made Nov 5 at 2021 6:18 AM

2021-11-05T06:18:44-04:00

Be honest with each other first and foremost in every aspect of the relationship. Trust is everything and it takes a lifetime to build and a second to destroy.

Response by Amanda Schroeder made Nov 5 at 2021 8:58 AM

2021-11-05T08:58:23-04:00

Keep a record of every address, phone number, and job (including address, phone number, supervisor, etc.) of each place you PCS to - it will come in very handy when you are applying for jobs in the future, especially ones that have a background check. This list has been very helpful to me, and not just for job applications.

Response by SSG Michael Pershell made Nov 5 at 2021 9:02 AM

2021-11-05T09:02:58-04:00

Like another brother pointed out - put the Lord in the middle of you two. We took advantage of chaplain marriage retreats as well.

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Nov 5 at 2021 10:57 AM

2021-11-05T10:57:37-04:00

My advice would be to stay true to traditional, Christian values, especially in regards to marriage. I saw so many people cheating on their spouses while deployed, or their spouses were cheating while they were gone. Make sure you marry someone who would never cheat on you, and is monogamous, and isn't craving romantic attention so badly they'd sacrifice their marriage to get it from anyone.

Response by Cpl Shaunda Boulware made Nov 5 at 2021 11:20 AM

2021-11-05T11:20:10-04:00

Stay close netted keep others especially coworkers of the opposite sex out of your business and always have the same friends.

Response by SP5 Donna Barr made Nov 5 at 2021 11:38 AM

2021-11-05T11:38:32-04:00

When I was in, the attitude was, until you were at least an E-6, you lived your butt in the barracks and didn’t even think of marriage. Any military trying to marry got transferred to opposite sides of the globe. When I became a citizen again (military ISN’t - we don’t even got jury trials) - and the CIC, I agreed. In the army, live in the barracks, get married when you get out.

Response by CPO Linnea Thompson made Nov 5 at 2021 11:40 AM

2021-11-05T11:40:09-04:00

Military marriages are hard because of the separation and sometimes just hours notice of deployment. You have to find ways to get through the separation. If you both put 100% in it will work. If one spouse is civilian it would be best to have a job that’s needed everywhere like nursing.

Response by SGT Todd Lohr made Nov 5 at 2021 12:08 PM

2021-11-05T12:08:35-04:00

I saw a lot of relationships/marriages grow and flourish during my time in the Army. I also saw the opposite occur.

Response by SFC Joseph McGraw made Nov 5 at 2021 1:03 PM

2021-11-05T13:03:34-04:00

Know that there are times when the needs of the mission come first. If you can handle that you can handle anything.

Response by Sgt Kelsie Owen made Nov 5 at 2021 1:41 PM

2021-11-05T13:41:19-04:00

Communication is KEY!!!! A lot of men are under the impression that they look weak if they talk about their feelings, but its the opposite. Communication strengthens relationships and helps them learn more about each other every day.

Response by CPL Jason Day made Nov 5 at 2021 3:23 PM

2021-11-05T15:23:31-04:00

Make sure your relationship is a strong one because not many are able to survive. Especially deployment. Cheating is an all the time thing and will happen to at least someone you know, if not you. Don't join with the hopes of making a relationship or marriage stronger.

Response by SP5 AngelNasgnA2019 Santiago made Nov 5 at 2021 4:33 PM

2021-11-05T16:33:07-04:00

I was drafted and after my Basic training and Advance Microwave training I was sent to Kaiserslauten, Germany. I signed (re-enlisted) for 6 years and went home to get married. My wife went to Germany and both enjoy, besides the military life, travelling around Germany, Switserland, France, Spain, Luxenburg and Belgium. Needless to say how we enjoyed those times. I eventually went to Vietnam and Thailand for a very long time, 18 months, away from my wife and family. They undestood that was part of being in the Army so we went through that time leaving matters to God and praying a lot to be able to come home alive in one piece. There were a lot of happy times that my wife and me had that wouldn't happend if I was not in the Army.

Response by SP5 Bill Dempsey made Nov 5 at 2021 4:40 PM

2021-11-05T16:40:37-04:00

Do your job and stay out of trouble.

Response by SPC Carlton Phelps made Nov 5 at 2021 5:28 PM

2021-11-05T17:28:40-04:00

Being away from your spouse, doen;t give you a free pass to do everything you want. You agreed to love and sleeping around isn't honoring your spouse.

Response by SP5 Richard Parker made Nov 5 at 2021 6:13 PM

2021-11-05T18:13:39-04:00

Don't beet around the bush about what you feal, that will save you both a lot of stress.

Response by SN Jason Hawes made Nov 6 at 2021 12:25 AM

2021-11-06T00:25:02-04:00

I think the most important advice is that the person who is left at home on deployment should make relationships to other spouses that are on deployment together till they return. Other people will not be able to fully understand what they are going through.

Response by CPO Rodolfo Sandoval made Nov 6 at 2021 2:56 AM

2021-11-06T02:56:30-04:00

Communication!

Response by SP5 Lonyae Ransome made Nov 6 at 2021 9:23 AM

2021-11-06T09:23:27-04:00

The word with the most impact has the shortest amount of letters. SUPPORT. We took the dual military route and it has been the best decision for our son. He is able to see both of his parents excel and become a part of something much bigger than we can ever imagine.

Response by Jamie Bonafe made Nov 6 at 2021 2:45 PM

2021-11-06T14:45:58-04:00

Married for 22 years. We met just after my husband enlisted in the AirForce. What a ride! It takes a strong couple to survive over 20 deployments over 22 years of service. My best advice is do not shy away from the stigmata of counseling. Go! It will save your marriage when things get rough. It will build your marriage to be stronger when things are going well. It is especially important for reintegration when he returns from deployment and you have been doing things your own way for months. Talk to each other, but listen to each other like you are friends, not like you need to get your way. You are in this together, so treat your marriage like the beautiful partnership it is. We survived the trying times of military service and marriage, and it has set us up to survive the years ahead! Keep going, keep communication lines open and treat each other with respect and how you would like to be treated.

Response by PO2 John Terry made Nov 6 at 2021 3:46 PM

2021-11-06T15:46:53-04:00

Communicate as often as possible and, when returning home, take it slow. Listen to each other.

Response by PO2 John Terry made Nov 6 at 2021 3:48 PM

2021-11-06T15:48:24-04:00

Communicate often and, when returning home, take it slow. Listen, as both sides have stories to tell.

Response by PFC Susan Lodes made Nov 6 at 2021 6:06 PM

2021-11-06T18:06:18-04:00

I was only in a "dating " relationship when I entered the military and it didn't last. Long distance relationships are very hard. If I could give advice to a married couple, I would tell them to keep the lines of communication open, listen to what each other has to say no matter how shitty of a day you've had, and encourage, encourage, encourage.

Response by MAJ Billi-Jean King made Nov 6 at 2021 8:10 PM

2021-11-06T20:10:18-04:00

Be patient with each other...be supportive. Communicate! Do not keep your struggles in silence....share your fears and concerns and flourish together!

Response by CPL Stephanie Hale made Nov 7 at 2021 12:55 AM

2021-11-07T00:55:49-04:00

Patience is definitely a virtue. I married my husband in 1986, and we were both serving in the same company. He came down on orders before me, but I did everything to go with him. We flew to Korea at the same time and flew back home at the same time. Never allow the military to dictate how your marriage should work. I'm still with my husband and we made it work with love, patience and sometimes space.

Response by 1LT Michelle Marrero made Nov 7 at 2021 7:13 AM

2021-11-07T07:13:13-05:00

My advice for couples , is too be patient with each other . To have constant communication with each other. To set goals as a couple and individually, at the end of your careers, there is a new life that you still want to be together and support each other. Military life is difficult and so any job anyone does. Focus on the future and what that will look for both if you and your family.

Response by MAJ Mike Middleton made Nov 7 at 2021 2:06 PM

2021-11-07T14:06:25-05:00

The key word is 'time'. Time we will never get back. To be successful in the military, you have to give your all, and a lot of times that will cause separation for families. My advice is to understand the impacts of time. As a couple, really try to manage that time: both the time away but most importantly the time together. When together, maximize being with one another even if it is just talking.

Response by PO2 Neil Viertel made Nov 8 at 2021 12:12 AM

2021-11-08T00:12:03-05:00

Well, I don't have much to say since all my relationships failed while serving. The only advicenI can provide is uou have to communicate everything. Plans, expectations, worries, doubts, etc. Everything needs discussed and gone over together. Who ever is staying home needs to make sure they are ready for the dreaded Deployment. Mentally, emotionally, psychologically more than physically or financially. Trust is another thing that has to be there. As someone that was left while on Deployment, that can be crushing while serving overseas. You BITH have to be ready for what lies ahead, and it will not be easy. But if uou communicate have faith and support, you just might get through it. Good luck!

Response by SrA Erik Mitchell made Nov 8 at 2021 2:13 AM

2021-11-08T02:13:37-05:00

It's always nice knowing you have someone waiting for you upon returning home. On the other hand, I'm not sure if that makes it easier or harder to deal with the deployment situation on both ends. I've seen too many marriages and relationships in general go south as a result of a deployment. Trust and communication are key. Without it, the partnership is doomed.

Response by Sgt Roy Perrin made Nov 8 at 2021 8:01 AM

2021-11-08T08:01:14-05:00

Patience! Service members have to be patient with their spouse AND children if there are any. I was married before the Marine Corps and I'm still married (26 years now). There were battles along the way and one of our biggest challenges was how to deal with those who believe that if Uncle Sam wanted you to have a spouse he would have issued you one in bootcamp. Bullshit. My wife has done WAY more for me than anyone in the military ever did. I had her before and I had her after. She had to be patient with me, with my commands, with my fellow Marines, with our children, with deployments, and with so many more things- too many to name here. I had to be patient with her, our children, our extended families, and the spouses and dependents of other service members. We took the word "divorce" out of our arguments and replaced it with patience. Love is patient, love is kind... it's the first one.

Response by Cpl Art Torres made Nov 8 at 2021 9:02 AM

2021-11-08T09:02:40-05:00

If you can wait do not get married young. It is a tough time to be married and on active duty.

Response by PO1 Christopher Paul made Nov 8 at 2021 11:17 AM

2021-11-08T11:17:59-05:00

Marriage in the military will no doubt be difficult and will test your commitment, but it's not impossible. I spent 20 years active duty in the Navy and 19.5 of those years married to my wife. The struggles and hardships we faced, whether they are financial or emotional at times were overwhelming. However, being truly committed to each other can make your marriage strong and create a burning desire to help on another succeed in a the relationship. One word must be ever present, Teamwork! Yes, it make the dream work. One person can't exist without the other. The addition of children into the relationship creates another dynamic that has its own subset of emotional challenges to navigate through. Validation of each other's contributions to the relationship is important because the separation will be a strain on the marriage. . Combating the long periods away from home can be accomplished by a good support network. Whether it's close friends, immediate family, or counselors on base, it is critical to overcoming loneliness and the feeling of despair. When hardships arise, a level of understanding must be in place and communication is essential to be successful. All of these things may seem easier said then done, but honesty and understanding of the expectations will take you far in your relationship. Another key component in a relationship is the homecoming. After your loved one returns from deployment, elation is the prominent feeling. However, if they have seen combat then time to decompress is needed. It's always good to seek advise from counselors, religious leaders, or veteran organizations to express their feelings of grief, loss, or anger constructively. Hopefully, this action will help avoid destructive behavior and long term emotional damage. Please Always remember to communicate to each other, respect each other and be a good teammate.

Response by Maj David BenJames made Nov 8 at 2021 9:09 PM

2021-11-08T21:09:32-05:00

Love one another, Talk, be prepared to deployment and separation.

Response by LTC Stephen F. made Nov 8 at 2021 9:56 PM

2021-11-08T21:56:51-05:00

Listening and striving to be a patient listener is the best advice I ever received.
1. Communication is crucial.
2. Try to improve yourself and rely on the LORD to improve your spouse - since HE knows best in all things.
3. The biblical definition of love applies to all marriages as well as parenting.
found in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 ‘Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.

Background: I enlisted as a US Army Combat Engineer in November 1974. By God's grace I graduated from USMA, West Point in May 1980. I deployed to Germany during the Cold War and married while stationed at Fort Benning in 1987. I had two natural sons and adopted the son from one of my then-wife's previous marriages. She divorced me and remarried a couple more times. By God's grace I was introduced to my current and darling wife at a church conference in October 1999. We were married in December 1999 and I adopted the son from my wife's previous marriage. After 9-11-2001 I spent considerable time on duty supporting various war efforts and future contingencies. Having a solid faith in my Lord and Savior which I share with my darling and forever wife; helped us both to endure and thrive in the long periods of separation and long duty hours.

FYI SSG William Jones Cpl Vic Burk SrA Robert McAvoy Kayna Ross SMSgt Lawrence McCarter SMSgt Mark Venzeio SFC Terry Fortune MSG Mark RudolphSSG Bill McCoy SPC Nancy Greene SSG Byron Hewett SPC Lyle Montgomery SPC Matt Ovaska Sgt Christopher Jackson SrA Robert McAvoy PO3 Charles Streich SPC Michael Terrell SSgt Marian Mitchell SSgt Kelly D.
Images: Mutual love of my Wife and my adult sons

Response by Cpl Martin Morales made Nov 9 at 2021 9:21 AM

2021-11-09T09:21:05-05:00

TRUST YOUR GUT!!..The deployments, the lifestyle and then being discharged, it will all affect your marriage. We are not selfish, when we joined the military, it was to put our country first before us. Not a lot of people are willing to endure those sacrifices with you even those that we love, when a relationship spills over into violence just as a shove or fighting in front of the kids, STOP and realize that it is over. Nobody deserves to be physically or emotionally hurt, and even at the moment of your greatest loneliness or despair you have a community of veterans and service members to fall back on.
Know when to Go, and know when to Stay.

Response by 1st Lt Shannon McKerlie made Nov 9 at 2021 9:38 AM

2021-11-09T09:38:51-05:00

Open communication is the key to success! It's important for both partners to share their thoughts and feelings clearly, and for the other partner to listen without judgement. This way, you can solve any problems that arise, and make good plans moving forward. Don't expect your partner to read your mind, and always try to listen with compassion.

Response by SSgt Jaime Carothers made Nov 9 at 2021 3:07 PM

2021-11-09T15:07:11-05:00

"What goes TDY, stays TDY" is not a healthy, respectful way to live when you have someone at home waiting for you. Remember, 'The Golden Rule' also applies to your significant other!

Response by MAJ Private RallyPoint Member made Nov 9 at 2021 6:09 PM

2021-11-09T18:09:39-05:00

faith and family/friend support system are key; don't be afraid to ask for help when it is important for your family

Response by SSgt Kayla Gordon made Nov 9 at 2021 6:09 PM

2021-11-09T18:09:51-05:00

I was in a 3-year relationship with another military member that ultimately ended because we wanted different things out of life. While this applies to all couples, I think it's especially important for military couples to have serious conversations about their dreams/goals/aspirations to make sure that they align. If you and your partner want different things, the relationship is headed nowhere. It's only when you know that you want the same things from life that you can be a strong partnership and withstand trials like long-distance.

Response by Capt Private RallyPoint Member made Nov 11 at 2021 4:42 PM

2021-11-11T16:42:26-05:00

Include your spouse on some military or spouse events when possible. They help the spouse increase their knowledge of what your life is truly like as a member of the service.

Response by PO1 Billy Wilson made Nov 17 at 2021 6:31 PM

2021-11-17T18:31:45-05:00

If you are a sailor you must explain you have two wives the ship then you spouse, and the first will always be first..

Response by PO1 Brenda Hipps made Nov 17 at 2021 6:42 PM

2021-11-17T18:42:34-05:00

It's tough, we were both stationed on separate ships and out to sea a lot for the first 3 years of our marriage. It takes a lot of trust and adjustment when we were actually together. We needed to be patient with each other more so when one of us got back from being underway.

Response by CPL Jimmy Webb made Nov 17 at 2021 7:31 PM

2021-11-17T19:31:06-05:00

Just apply what you learn in the military it made great people out of us it took from being a child or loser or somebody week and made it strong keep it up

Response by A1C Michael Brunswick made Nov 17 at 2021 7:37 PM

2021-11-17T19:37:11-05:00

Stay close

Response by PO3 Thomas Jester made Nov 17 at 2021 7:47 PM

2021-11-17T19:47:27-05:00

I was never married while I was in the military. But I had friends who were and I think the most difficult them for them is was when their spuoses where away on a long deployment. It can be tough on the family and it's the one thing thing that military couples must be prepared for.

Response by PO3 Omar Riveracolon made Nov 17 at 2021 8:28 PM

2021-11-17T20:28:50-05:00

Keep God First. Corinthians 13 is a great verse about love. Make a commitment to be open-minded in the relationship, allow each other to make mistakes, allow each other room to grow and develop. We all move at a different pace and need to be willing to have patience for one another. The more you communicate, the more you get to know each other day by day. Both will be able to build trust and over time strengthen the love allowing each other to gain wisdom through experience. Relationship takes time to develop and mature.

Response by SP5 William Jones made Nov 17 at 2021 8:34 PM

2021-11-17T20:34:57-05:00

Dunno, I wasn't part of a "military couple" & think anyone who is might be daft!

Response by Sgt William Von Ohlen made Nov 17 at 2021 8:43 PM

2021-11-17T20:43:02-05:00

There are many resources that have been developed as family resources for all the services. My advice is to take advantage of these resources during deployments, prior to deployment and after deployment. Chapli, MWR, etc.

Response by CPL John Vines made Nov 17 at 2021 8:49 PM

2021-11-17T20:49:34-05:00

Make friends at your current duty station get involved with all the programs they offer for spouses and definitely discuss power of attorney and who you give it to.

Response by GySgt Ray Harris made Nov 17 at 2021 9:36 PM

2021-11-17T21:36:30-05:00

When my USMC job got to be too much like work, I decided to try civil service, in particular, the US Border Patrol (Just kidding, it was way more than that to make the decision to leave the Marines.). I had put in 13 years and I was a GySgt (E-7) so I figured, "Well, there goes thirteen years down the drain." After I was in the Patrol for a couple of years someone mentioned to me that I could "buy back" my Marine Corps time into the civil service retirement system. It cost me about $7700 over the years (not counting interest), but I think I made that back in my first year of retirement.

This is something to think about for anyone who goes federal (http://www.usajobs.gov). Don't throw your military time away. Instead of 22 years with the US Border Patrol, I retired with 35 years. I know this is not exactly couples advice, but yeah, you BOTH have to commit to this career.

www.usajobs.gov).

Response by PV2 Jonathan Payne made Nov 17 at 2021 9:41 PM

2021-11-17T21:41:59-05:00

Communication is the best tool you have.

Response by SGT Mark Kotajarvi made Nov 17 at 2021 9:57 PM

2021-11-17T21:57:20-05:00

Open yourself to all your opportunities on base. NCO clubs or Officer Clubs. Opportunities for spouses to find work. Travel when you have that opportunity. You will meet people that have had different experience while they have been to different places and or bases while serving. Enjoy your down time as a family and do things that your area provides for fun.

Response by Maj Karina Glover made Nov 17 at 2021 10:10 PM

2021-11-17T22:10:51-05:00

There is so much to tell!! First, so your research and learn the pros and cons of being dual mil. It can be very challenging if you don’t have an very reliable, strong support system in place. My husband I were actually deployed to Iraq at the same time. I was in Balad and he was in Baghdad. Imagine the pressure on my 4 girls-aged 11, 10, 4, and 4 months. Yes, I had to leave as soon as my youngest hit 120 days and didn’t return until she was almost a year. My point, yes, I know what I signed up for h/e didn’t expect that—-Aleays be prepared and have everything in order—DON’T PROCRASTINATE!!!

Response by TSgt Karen B. made Nov 17 at 2021 10:54 PM

2021-11-17T22:54:31-05:00

If you're the military member, remember your spouse may not understand the terminology you use or why you have to leave the family for an extended period. If you're the family member, please remember that, depending on his/her job in the military, your spouse may not be able to tell you about the job he/she does. If you're marrying into the military, be prepared for your spouse to go on TDY's or deployments. They can't just refuse to go.

Response by SGT Bobby Brooks made Nov 17 at 2021 11:26 PM

2021-11-17T23:26:23-05:00

Find a supportive community like a church group that will be there with you through the hard times and challenges of being separated. Always communicate daily on your plans and expectations of being a military couple.

Response by PO1 Carlos Xochihua made Nov 17 at 2021 11:28 PM

2021-11-17T23:28:05-05:00

Need to be able to talk about everything and trust each other. Will have issues to overcome but you have to talk!

Response by PO2 Fredisvindo Bebe made Nov 17 at 2021 11:52 PM

2021-11-17T23:52:26-05:00

I would encourage couples to have open and honest conversations before deciding to marry and become a military couple/family. Conversations need to be had as what it would look like to be a military wife and mother. Conversations need to be had if the husband is planning a long term career in the military with plans to rise in rank. For the woman she must be an active part of his career which means sacrificing some of her dreams and that is a big commitment and decision. Conversations on raising a military family that follows the career of the man. There are many hard conversations to have before entering into a successful military career. Conversations on deployments, wartime, etc. Having conversations is vital to the success of a military career. If it is the woman in the military then the man has the similar plight to contemplate. Having conversations covering all aspects of expectations from both adults will secure an understanding that will lead to successful career, marriage, and family life.

Response by SSgt Sandra Cunningham made Nov 18 at 2021 12:57 AM

2021-11-18T00:57:38-05:00

It could be more difficult if you work different shifts, or, God forbid, you don't get stationed together. Cherish the time you have together.

Response by Sgt Diego Murillo made Nov 18 at 2021 1:12 AM

2021-11-18T01:12:58-05:00

If your partner is also in the military then it makes it easier because they are able to understand the daily grind that a service member goes through. However, if they are not in the service then it would be smart for them to educate themselves on what their significant other's work life is actually like.

Response by Sgt Hazel Abraham made Nov 18 at 2021 1:29 AM

2021-11-18T01:29:04-05:00

communication is the beginning . . .
open a dialog to start

Response by PO3 Sean Evans made Nov 18 at 2021 1:38 AM

2021-11-18T01:38:14-05:00

I'm not a huge proponent of marriage. I was not married while I was in the service, nor am I married now. You can say that I'm not a good judge of advice for this question, but from what I've seen in terms of marriage and it's success rate or lack thereof I would advise any couple to err on the side of caution when delving into an agreement with lifelong obligation. It's simply statistically evident marriage doesn't have the best outcome. If your marriage is alive and well, mazel tov. But don't be miserable for the sake of anyone else's happiness. At the end of the day be kind to yourself.

Response by Deon Bell made Nov 18 at 2021 6:51 AM

2021-11-18T06:51:42-05:00

learn the signs of ptsd and if you see them do something fast . i found that counseling helps the most and the va has a ptsd in house only ptsd program the one i know of is in hampton , va . i was married to a nam veteran with severe ptsd and this program made a major change in him . he went from being admitted to a mental ward fifteen times in fives years to maybe two or three times a year . sadly for us no one told us about this program for years only happened when i threatened to go to the media because the va was only drugging him more and more sometimes to the point he could barely function . ptsd is a terrible thing and our va needs to do more to help our veterans suffering

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Nov 18 at 2021 7:38 AM

2021-11-18T07:38:00-05:00

Clear communication. Most things can be overcome when both parties talk and listen. Had I realized this before it would have probably saved my marriage and admittedly I lacked this skill at the time. Talking about needs, wants and desires are important but equally is truly hearing the other and understanding their position. From both sides. For it to work both parties need to be involved and working together. Can not stress enough... communication.

Response by CPT Matt Peretin made Nov 18 at 2021 7:58 AM

2021-11-18T07:58:32-05:00

Approach each problem as a side-by-side team not a debating society or worse an adversarial staff action. Think of it as sitting on the couch shoulder to shoulder with the problem on the coffee table.

Response by AN Catherine Wray-Tully made Nov 18 at 2021 8:01 AM

2021-11-18T08:01:41-05:00

You have to work extra hard to stay together and you have to expect you will be separated.

Response by 1LT Michael Contos made Nov 18 at 2021 8:16 AM

2021-11-18T08:16:19-05:00

I got married to a Cajun girl from Louisiana with whom I met while stationed at Fort Polk, LA. We called such matches as a result of "war fever," I believed that I was not going to make it back home, so I wanted to taste married life while I was still at home and alive.

Response by Charlotte Rose made Nov 18 at 2021 9:50 AM

2021-11-18T09:50:58-05:00

My parents will always say that the more communication you have the better. Whether it's over the phone, FaceTime, video chat, email or handwritten letters, the more you are able to have some semblance of a conversation with your partner the better. And remember that this life is not for the faint of heart, if you need your partner with you 24/7, you should re-evaluate whether this is the right lifestyle for you.

Response by Sgt Richard E Lambert made Nov 18 at 2021 10:32 AM

2021-11-18T10:32:14-05:00

I think it is near impossible for some couples to handle military life. I have seen some succeed and they are special.
When I went to reup iI discussed it with my family.
My brothers said to go for it. I had a brothers who were career people in the Navy, Air Force and Army.
They all said " you gonna complete the circle"? When I mentioned reupping my girlfriend at the time basically said the Marines or me. I don't have the strength or fortitude it takes to be with a person who is in the service.
Well, 52 plus years later I am still with this lady. MY family/friends say "good choice".
I commend all who have made it work.
God bless all of you.

Response by SFC Robert Surrette made Nov 18 at 2021 10:40 AM

2021-11-18T10:40:56-05:00

The most important thing is to recognize that the Army is a way of life and not a job. When you come to grips with the fact that there's a right way and a wrong way and the Army way, you'll get along just fine.

Response by SGT(P) Barbara Jackitis made Nov 18 at 2021 11:12 AM

2021-11-18T11:12:02-05:00

Marriage is life all its own, there is always the spouse of a Soldier who stand behind the Soldier and does all the work behind the scenes. When married to a Soldier it is never 50/50 or 100/100. The spouse will end raising the children to handling the bills with out a complaint. This is how we support our Soldier so that their focus is on completing the mission at hand and to come home safe either from deployment, annual training, or field exercise. The Soldier give up much of their lives not only to protect their families but other families as well. I take pride in standing behind my Soldier and supporting his needs while I take care of the home front. Through his many years in the Military and learning to do things on my own, I have become stronger, more dependent and able to juggle all the differnt things life throws at me. I would not change it for the world.

Response by SCPO Timothy Canup made Nov 18 at 2021 12:14 PM

2021-11-18T12:14:51-05:00

Remember that this life will not be easy. Keep in mind what you are doing for America. There is a lot of opportunities in the Navy and outside that want to help you and your family. Take advantage of all those things.

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Nov 18 at 2021 1:20 PM

2021-11-18T13:20:11-05:00

Don’t put the military first. Put your relationship first.

Communicate frequently with each other

Meet up for lunch

Text each other throughout the day

Have a date night

Don’t take what’s going on at work out on your loved one.

Make time for each other

Don’t cheat on each other

Response by PVT Jeremy Moody made Nov 18 at 2021 2:01 PM

2021-11-18T14:01:14-05:00

First, make sure that any potential partner is 100% SELFLESSLY supportive of your service. Without this, the military life will ultimately ruin your relationship. Second, communication is vital. You MUST communicate as often as you’re allowed to keep each other in the loop of life. You need to remember that your life consists of more than just your service. Third, always be prepared for anything. Things can change so quickly while in the service. Adaptability is a must. Lastly, remember that true love conquers all. The stress, the craziness, the loneliness….the love you have for each other will ALWAYS get you through.

Response by SFC Donald Shilo made Nov 18 at 2021 4:12 PM

2021-11-18T16:12:37-05:00

Not good for a marriage and family. Only the strong survive.

Response by PO2 Travis Mobley made Nov 18 at 2021 7:11 PM

2021-11-18T19:11:15-05:00

Marriage isn't easy. Communication and being open with one another is important, especially in this era. Having an open mind and sharing every thing gives each individual confidence and security that a marriage can stand strong on.

Response by PO2 Travis Mobley made Nov 18 at 2021 7:14 PM

2021-11-18T19:14:21-05:00

Have an open mind and share it. Communicate

Response by PO1 Todd McMillin made Nov 18 at 2021 7:29 PM

2021-11-18T19:29:56-05:00

When you get married always remember to support the other person when they're on deployment or at home working at a command. While my wife did only 4 years and had to get medically discharged due to a back injury it was do to service connected accident. Worse is that the Base CMO was a quack MD. The LCDR/MD saw her as a "woman with big tits" and malingering vs actually acknowledging that maybe she got injured from falling backwards on to a pallet form and impacted her spine and spinal cord. I should have stepped up and said something as an eyewitness instead I let it slide since I was in the middle of mourning the loss of my father at the time and got a hardship transfer out of the command.

While we stayed in touch and then dated after I left the command, to avoid any conflict of Jr/Sr Enlisted dating each other. I was a professional and made sure to support her when she was promoted, went through surgery and also leaving the Navy. She supported me during deployment, career review and retirement. We've been together nearly 22 years now and married since 2003. So it's a struggle sometimes to be together and not kill each other some days. Love is a hard thing and we have to support each other through good and bad times. Neither of us are perfect and there's an age difference of a decade between us (I'm older). We have common interests which keep us together to share with each other; as well as having different hobbies that we spend time away from each other.

Response by SPC Sandra Allen made Nov 18 at 2021 11:13 PM

2021-11-18T23:13:18-05:00

I think everyone prior to me has said it all. First and foremost Jesus Christ our Savior needs to be present in the couples life, there needs to be 100% respect, communication, and work effort toward the relationship put in by both parties. In addition to these, a spontaneous gift or action will help to keep the relationship vibrant.

Response by CDR Susan Sablan made Nov 19 at 2021 6:37 AM

2021-11-19T06:37:14-05:00

Outsource some of the workload. Excellent child-care, housekeeper, what ever you can afford to create space in your day!

Response by MSgt Private RallyPoint Member made Nov 19 at 2021 1:05 PM

2021-11-19T13:05:06-05:00

Communication. Remember how your relationship started, with lots of Communication. You had to get to know each other, so always continue to want to learn and know more about your spouse.

Response by Cpl Rosemarie SantaAnna made Nov 19 at 2021 9:45 PM

2021-11-19T21:45:20-05:00

1. Best benefits!..
2. Follow your spouse & do best not to have Separation in living together under 1 roof...
3. Every struggle you have in Active Military life your have in civilian life (maybe more)...
4. Remember what attracted YOU to your spouse ans focus on that when time are tuff!...

Response by CPL Leslie. Shaw made Nov 21 at 2021 4:16 AM

2021-11-21T04:16:24-05:00

I wasnt a couple during my time in the army, but as a single soilder I would say make. Sure your spouse finds something productive and meaningful to do when there spouse is training or deployed.

Response by PO2 Private RallyPoint Member made Nov 21 at 2021 5:02 PM

2021-11-21T17:02:07-05:00

It's gonna be a tough and long ride!

Response by SPC Robert Jennett made Nov 21 at 2021 5:59 PM

2021-11-21T17:59:05-05:00

Work on tasks and activities to keep your mind and heart focused while you spend time apart. As much as the military tries to be family friendly, I feel by its nature it is not a family friendly organization.

Response by SMSgt Bob Wilson made Nov 22 at 2021 10:34 AM

2021-11-22T10:34:42-05:00

Don't

Response by LCpl Kevin Bryson made Nov 25 at 2021 1:19 PM

2021-11-25T13:19:19-05:00

Respect each other and the military process. Including all of the inconveniences.

Response by PO2 John Baughman made Dec 2 at 2021 9:42 AM

2021-12-02T09:42:55-05:00

You need to be patient and understanding to your spouse.

Response by SrA Private RallyPoint Member made Dec 2 at 2021 2:03 PM

2021-12-02T14:03:31-05:00

Congratulations to 1SG William Houston, MAJ Mike Middleton, PO2 Charity Keller, PFC Tia Lorta, and CPL Jason Blackwood! You've all won a $100 Amazon gift card! An e-gift card will be sent to the email address associated with your RallyPoint account.

Thanks to all who participated and shared!

Response by PO2 Jonathan Moen made Dec 6 at 2021 12:43 PM

2021-12-06T12:43:16-05:00

Marriage requires compromise. It's just like Congress, sort of. Work together to find common ground

Response by 1SG James Kelly made Jan 23 at 2022 3:13 PM

2022-01-23T15:13:48-05:00

Don't have kids.

Response by TSgt William Albritton made Jun 29 at 2023 11:19 AM

2023-06-29T11:19:04-04:00

By all means keep a complete copy of all your Medical Records. As the saying goes, go to the doctor even if you have a pimple on your ass. Also keep a copy of your records. You will need this when you retire. To claim VA Benefits, you will need to show a copy of your records. You must (CAY)