What advice do you have on the first rough draft of my OCS application essay?

2020-03-12T01:27:23-04:00

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made Mar 12 at 2020 6:06 PM

2020-03-12T18:06:32-04:00

Response by SPC Richard Zacke made Mar 12 at 2020 6:17 PM

2020-03-12T18:17:22-04:00

Serena Jones I am very impressed that you where able to achive so in a four year period mainly the self confidence that is something that takes many year to concuor. I believe following your dad when you where younger helped you spread your wings, I am certainly no expert in this field but it sounds absoluty great to me. Go luck and God be with you. I hope your dreams come true!

Response by MAJ Private RallyPoint Member made Mar 13 at 2020 12:06 PM

2020-03-13T12:06:24-04:00

I feel there is a lack of why you want to join/serve and why you would make a good leader/officer.
Do you plan to continue in the Behavior Health field? Maybe add more about how you help and support others.
No one is going to care about what you own or your financial situation - distracts from answering the question.
Take MAJ LANDGREN's advice to do some research and build an outline.

Response by CW2 Private RallyPoint Member made Mar 13 at 2020 2:40 PM

2020-03-13T14:40:55-04:00

I would change some of it to showcase how the Army needs you, as opposed to how you want to be in the Army. It's a mission first organization, not a person's career first. I can provide this, this, and this to the Army which can help with achieving the mission and providing excellent advice to my Senior Leadership, as well as I can take advice from those more experienced me to better myself (very necessary quality for a fresh LT).
You are accomplished, but also think about how many other people are applying the same way. Quite a few people don't get the typical "Criminal Justice" degrees that are so prevalent in our young Officer Corps (it's easy for ROTC), and have gone on their own at school and juggled their job, school, and military training.
Your accomplishments are many, explain how you have been a leader, as that is what you are applying for, otherwise you could just enlist as a Surgical Tech. When you presented at the school, did anything come of it? Students come up and ask for more info, questions, advice, still in contact? Captain of any Teams or clubs? Leading during your volunteer time?
Self teaching a language is pretty awesome, use that to elaborate on time management, and see if your recruiter can get you a DLPT in Spanish, Italian, and Portuguese. It will prove that you can understand and/or speak them.
This essay is all you really have to prove to some seasoned Officers that you are Officer material, an Officer is the largest organization on the planet, the most fearsome fighting force. No matter the branch you are in, the Officer makes the decision that involves peoples lives, show em you have what it takes.
(Don't forget to use spell and grammar check. Type it in Word, tweak the "proofing" settings under options. Turn on passive/active voice, Oxford commas, 2 spaces between sentences. It matters!)

Response by Serena Jones made Mar 19 at 2020 9:46 PM

2020-03-19T21:46:26-04:00

Thank you guys! I have edited it
:) Sorry I couldn't get back to everybody individually! I work in a hospital and right now it is been very crazy.

Response by Serena Jones made Mar 19 at 2020 9:47 PM

2020-03-19T21:47:32-04:00

Hello! Sorry I haven't had a lot of time to response individually. I work in a hospital currently and it has been very hectic and time consuming, plus all my classes transferring online. I also offered free online tutoring for highschool and below students since they all suddenly got moved online as well.
I have edited it! I will update soon :)

Response by LTC Private RallyPoint Member made Mar 2 at 2021 2:22 PM

2021-03-02T14:22:40-05:00

You are taking the road less traveled because you are getting Your commission through officer candidate school instead of a direct commission. This means that you will have to think and acts like a combat arms officer and learn that history. This will help you be above the other medical personnel in the medical service corps because you couldn't actually lead Medical personnel. I knew of medical personnel that were battalion executive officers in a civil affairs unit. I am sure you will get in but just give you Some encouragement and advice. People who are on the medical service corps can be lent out to civil affairs or psychological operations. I know this because when I was in a training division, I knew a major who was the medical service corps as a nurse a BSN. Cheap had her secondary branch as psychological operations. Share for the batteries administration as a civilian but she got a scholarship or fellowship to go to Walter Reed. She may lieutenant colonel no problem.
Anybody else have any questions or concerns over what I said?

Response by Amn Private RallyPoint Member made Jun 29 at 2022 1:40 PM

2022-06-29T13:40:20-04:00

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