What advice would you have for a first time father who didn’t have a great father figure while growing up?

2019-06-16T18:25:37-04:00

I recently found out that my wife is pregnant and while I’m super excited, I’m also a little worried. My dad wasn’t a bad person, but he just wasn’t a great father. I think his relationship with his dad wasn’t great either. I want to break the cycle and be the best dad I can be.

Response by Lt Col Charlie Brown made Jun 16 at 2019 6:41 PM

2019-06-16T18:41:59-04:00

Just the fact that you are thinking about it is a plus for you. There are some great parenting classes out there. Boystown parenting which has been taught by our military social worker comes to mind but there are a number of them. Consistency is important. You are a parent and a role model. Don't try to be your child's best friend

Response by Trinity Reid made Jun 16 at 2019 6:45 PM

2019-06-16T18:45:35-04:00

Dont try to hard and start early. Dont get mad over the little stuff and tell your kid, its okay. Do stuff together and teach him the important things. Balance the friendship and the teacher. Being a parent just means your kid does alright by themselves. You dont have to scold them all day everyday for them to do that. Its the lessons and explanations of why that are more important. If they dont get it, say “i dont know what do you think”. (Especially handy in the “why” phase). You’ll do great. Its not that hard. Cant really mess up that bad, look how you turned out, great.

Response by PO2 John Zodun made Jun 16 at 2019 6:48 PM

2019-06-16T18:48:41-04:00

I never knew my father so I can’t imagine what you went through but remember this anyone can be a father but it takes a special man to be a daddy

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made Jun 16 at 2019 6:56 PM

2019-06-16T18:56:22-04:00

Let love guide you and explore the world together. Have fun as well. Make childhood memorably good as they get only one chance to live it.

Response by Maj Marty Hogan made Jun 16 at 2019 7:19 PM

2019-06-16T19:19:21-04:00

Take it as it comes. Be consistent. Be there. My son came along unexpected and his mom was a piece if work. She bailed when he was two and it was me and him. I was 24 and had zero clue. Did it on my own and figured it out as I went. My dad was there but not present. This was around Gulf War tiem frame and my Reserve unit had A10s and we were hot for deployment and added to the stress. Never got the call thankfully and the only family we had was 800 miles away. Take a deep breathe and enjoy it. It goes quick.

Any other advice?

Response by CPL Dave Hoover made Jun 16 at 2019 7:30 PM

2019-06-16T19:30:38-04:00

My father was not a good man, and that is his good quality. I was determined to be the opposite, I was and I did. CPT Private RallyPoint Member

Response by CPT Dahn Shaulis made Jun 16 at 2019 7:45 PM

2019-06-16T19:45:26-04:00

Look to God, or if you don't believe that, a kind father. https://www.amazon.com/Becoming-Kind-Father-Sons-Journey/dp/ [login to see]

Sorry! Something went wrong!

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Jun 16 at 2019 8:00 PM

2019-06-16T20:00:55-04:00

Follow your heart… tempered by what you know is good for your child, based on what you honestly know is good. Be strong because sometimes strength is needed when you want to give your child everything you didn’t have “and you don’t want to raise an entitled child”. “Keep them busy in group extra activities” in grades 1 through 6 so they learn to develop healthy friendships.

Relax, you will do good. :)

Response by Sgt Vance Bonds made Jun 16 at 2019 8:07 PM

2019-06-16T20:07:45-04:00

I was in this same situation.
1) Listen to your wife and her instincts
2) Listen to your instincts....Your gut.
3) Always look to what you need and should be teaching the child.
4) Never forget that you are a parent. One of two. You are not to be the child's best friend
5) Love will temper everything that happens with patience
6) TRY to not imitate the bad or lack of influence you had growing up. This was very hard for me, as the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree.
7) Guidance and Direction are ALMOST always better than correction.
8) Somrtimes it has to fail to be a success. Don't do everything for your child. Don't fix everything for your child. They need to learn through their mistakes.
You will be a great father. It's scary as hell at first. Lean into it. Your wife will need your support. Give her every inch you have.
Welcome to the club Dad.

Response by Lt Col Timothy Parker, DBA made Jun 16 at 2019 8:11 PM

2019-06-16T20:11:07-04:00

Congratulations on the news. That said, and to get to at least one person’s opinion, I think you have a great start by asking the question. I just became a grandfather this past week and am sensitive to these sort of issues. I think there are a few things to consider:
1. You and your spouse will have the most impact on the future behavior of your child so choose your friends and behaviors carefully.
2. You can’t shield the child from everything (and shouldn’t), but you can set the standard of how the child understands the behaviors of others.
3. Your child will get his/her values and attitudes from you and your spouse and be influenced greatly by how you respond to stuff. In the eyes of the child, you are the top of the world so be careful of how you behave.

I don’t intend to preach here but just thought I’d offer some advice. I’d be glad to chat more if you would like.

Kind regards.

Response by 1SG Clifford Barnes made Jun 16 at 2019 10:07 PM

2019-06-16T22:07:13-04:00

Just take it one day at a time and stop and think how you were raised and just stay positive and treat your child the way you want to be treated and show respect and always stay calm it will be difficult to begin with and it will get easier as you go

Response by Capt Jeff S. made Jun 16 at 2019 10:20 PM

2019-06-16T22:20:55-04:00

There is always someone in your life that you may not be related to but who can serve as a good example to follow... a friend’s dad perhaps. Conversely, you can learn from bad examples too. The lessons you learn from them are the things you shouldn’t do as a father. Just be careful that in your desire to be a good father that you don’t let the pendulum swing too far to where the cure is worse than what you’re trying to cure. For example, if you had a parent whose answer was always ‘No!’ you aren’t going to help your child by saying ‘Yes’ and letting them do whatever they want. In everything, moderation is the key.

I grew up and went to a Christian High School where some kid’s parents were very controlling and didn’t let their kids watch TV. So when their kids went off to college, they got TV’s and were turned on by all the sexual content. They went to parties and made up for lost time. They were promiscuous because they felt repressed. Had their parents been more warm and attentive to their needs, instead of harsh and overbearing, they might not have felt the need to seek out what they felt they were missing.

Response by CWO3 Private RallyPoint Member made Jun 16 at 2019 11:21 PM

2019-06-16T23:21:50-04:00

Can't go wrong with using/teaching the Golden Rule for starters. Be a living example to your child. Actions speak louder than words.

Response by CPT Private RallyPoint Member made Jun 17 at 2019 12:04 AM

2019-06-17T00:04:21-04:00

Love unconditionally, forgive freely, show affection, remember to be a father who listens but doesn’t negotiate. You will be fine.

Response by LCDR Joshua Gillespie made Jun 17 at 2019 9:02 AM

2019-06-17T09:02:55-04:00

I'm no expert Michael, but if I had to put into a word... it would be, patience. When my son was born, I was a little older than most "new fathers" I knew. Only a year or so before, I was a "confirmed bachelor" who was more likely to spend Wednesday night at a bar, and was well-known in my small circle of friends as, "the guy who's never settling down". That all changed when the right lady came along...and I became a different man the day that little guy was laid in my arms.

At first, I was terrified of how small he was; I think it was nearly two days before I'd leave his side long enough to catch some sleep. Now, he's almost four, and I'm beginning to see the individual child behind those inquisitive eyes. Some days, he's "perfect"...others, his mother and I wonder what beast has inhabited him, and how we'll survive :)

I've discovered that loving a child isn't all that different from other forms of love; it's about sacrifice, being able to listen, understanding boundaries, and keeping your promises. Telling a three year old that, "Daddy will play with you walking later"...then finding a reason not to, is like telling them that they don't matter. Kids don't comprehend deadlines at work, aches and pains, or the desire to simply shut the world out at the end of long day and "zone out". They're perfect mimics...if you do it, they'll do it. I once chided him for leaving his toys out-to which, he calmly pointed at a stack of unfolded clothes and said, "Mmm...you too Daddy". Out of the mouths of babes...etc.

Ultimately, you're a coach, a mentor, (and whether you deserve it or not) someone to look up to, and the first man your son or daughter will really know. Sounds to me like you're one of the good ones my friend. Best wishes, and God Bless.

Response by SGT Dave Tracy made Jun 17 at 2019 11:54 AM

2019-06-17T11:54:05-04:00

To preface my advice:

My father was never around. Nearest I can figure I last saw him was when I was about 5; and it's not like he was in my life much at all prior to that. No contact, no support, nothing. Just me and my mom, dirt poor and on our own, while he moved on. It wasn't until I did some internet sleuthing in 2011/12ish that I learned:

A). He died a few years prior
&
B). At one point, he and I lived in the same town, less than 2 miles from one another when I was an adult. For all I know, we may have passed each other at the mall or sat at adjoining tables in a restaurant, and never knew it.

I've got 2 teens of my own, so considering my backstory in relation to your question you might think I have some great advice based on firsthand experience. Wish I did. I don't. But your desire to be better than your family's paternal history suggests that's probably the 1st, best step. But if pressed for something more concrete in terms of advice I'd just say reflect on your own experiences. That which was good, do; that which was not so good--and it sounds like a longer list--do not do. Its simple, but its something.

Good luck.

Response by SSgt Private RallyPoint Member made Jun 17 at 2019 3:09 PM

2019-06-17T15:09:35-04:00

First few years: Change diapers, feed your son/daughter, sing to him/her, talk, play.
Next few years: Set boundaries and stick to them. Be consistent.
Grade school: Set additional boundaries and stick to them. Be consistent. Learn to listen to what they say and how they say it.
Middle school: Here is where they really start exerting their own personality. Do your best to engage meaningful conversation. Let them know that any challenges they have YOU are a safe space to express them. Stay! On! Topic!
High school: And hang on. You are still that calm in the middle of the storm. Keep repeating that to yourself. They will grow into who they hang with. Make your home the place all the kids want to hang out in. It will kill your grocery bill but it is well worth it.

The goal of being a parent is raising an adult. So start early and treat them as an adult. You need to be a friend without pushing the friend thing. You need to be the boundary setter and enforcer (not that way!). They will pull away. They will eventually leave. If you did your job they will become lifelong friends - willing to talk about anything.

Last of all, sit back and enjoy every stage of growth. This is THE special case of leadership and they will model what you DO more than what you tell them to do.

Oh, when you and your wife fight - the kids know. Make sure you apologize to your wife where the kids can see you modeling it. Yea, it's uncomfortable. But do it. You need to model what a great relationship looks like more than just being a great dad. When the relationship is warm, open and sharing that is what the kids will want for themselves later in life.

Response by PO1 William "Chip" Nagel made Jun 17 at 2019 6:53 PM

2019-06-17T18:53:35-04:00

CPT Private RallyPoint Member https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=etundhQa724

Harry Chapin - Cats in the Cradle

Response by SGT Chris Stephens made Jun 18 at 2019 12:29 AM

2019-06-18T00:29:20-04:00

Find someone you really respect and ask them to mentor you. At 36, I have multiple men that mentor me. The more that you have in your corner, the better. Use it as a chance to learn something from each one of them that will help you become a better father. The men I have in my life have kids that are older than mine and they talk to me about all of the mistakes they made and what they learned from them.

Response by PO1 Don Gulizia made Jun 18 at 2019 10:56 AM

2019-06-18T10:56:32-04:00

Just like you would with your young soldiers...be firm (maybe not the first 5 years...but especially in the teen years), fair, and consistent. Be patient, with your child and yourself. Every step of the way is a learning experience. They don't know not to piss their pants and you don't know what it's like to be woken up at 2am every night for a month. Babies cry for three reasons: 1) they are hurt/sick, 2) they are hungry, 3) they are tired...that's it. (Not because they are bratty or spoiled) They can't talk..so make sure those three things are taken care of. Colic is a bitch, if the kid is still crying after those 3 things have been checked...and it's been 3 hours of nonstop crying...it might be colic. You'll have to find their comfort zone (a ride in the car, bouncy seat on the washer machine, bouncy seat in front of the TV watching a basketball game...yes, those were the only things that comforted my son when he had colic). You are going to make mistakes. Learn from it and move on. Finally, just be there for them. Give them your time and love. You'll do great. Good luck and Congrats!

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made Jun 18 at 2019 1:21 PM

2019-06-18T13:21:12-04:00

My father showed me the love he had of his hobbies that expanded my mind. View the world by the child's eyes and have fun. Go on vacations together.

Response by SGM Erik Marquez made Jun 18 at 2019 4:44 PM

2019-06-18T16:44:52-04:00

Listen before speaking
Never lie
Never get upset when he doesn’t lie
Set boundaries and standards but live up to them as well. Don’t say don’t do drugs and then smoke pot because it’s legal don’t say I don’t drink and drive and then have wine at dinner and drive home don’t say be honest and then be dishonest in front of the child even if it’s minor
Let them see your mistakes one portly let them see what you do to correct a mistake
Let them see your frustration when it happens and then let them see you work through it and come out better the other side
Ask for perfection expect not to get it never support mediocrity praise wins discussed losses and make plans for improvement

No in your heart all of those are goals but reality is you won’t meet those goals every time what do you do at that point for next time is what counts

Response by Sgt Dan Catlin made Jun 19 at 2019 9:21 AM

2019-06-19T09:21:21-04:00

Make the time to spend with the child. And the next when it comes as well. Special time just for them as individuals. Also family time.

Eat the last meal of the day together. Not interruptions or distractions. Talk to each other.

At least 7 times the genuine positive reinforcement as negative correction. 10 to 1 would be even better.

Pray for your family every day.

Response by SSG Byron Howard Sr made Jun 19 at 2019 8:58 PM

2019-06-19T20:58:38-04:00

Spend a lot of time with the kids. Take them places. Sports stuff. Teach them how to grow things. You have 9 months to learn start now.

Response by SMSgt Thor Merich made Jun 19 at 2019 9:23 PM

2019-06-19T21:23:12-04:00

Don't do stupid stuff...

I wasn't close to my dad and he wasn't close to his father either. I broke that cycle by being involved with my kids from the beginning. That includes changing diapers.

Be the father that you would want to have, not the one you have. Be patient and most important be consistent. Be engaged with your kids, play with them, talk to them, etc...
Most important, never forget that the most important job in the world is being a father and raising good kids that become productive adults. Take it seriously, but don't take yourself too seriously.

Good luck, its a great gig.

Response by SSG Brian G. made Jun 19 at 2019 10:20 PM

2019-06-19T22:20:43-04:00

Be there. Be yourself. Relax. Realize that no matter what, you are going to make mistakes. Mistakes are not what defines us, how we react to them is what does. Savor the time that you have with your child. Bond. Try to remember that they are not in the military, that you are. Breathe. Talk to him or her. Make what time you have with them quality time.

Response by MAJ Private RallyPoint Member made Jun 19 at 2019 11:29 PM

2019-06-19T23:29:56-04:00

Nothing scarier than finding out you are going to be a father. I found out my wife was pregnant when we were planning our wedding. Then surprisingly, 22 months later I was equally as scared when we found out my wife was pregnant with our son. Treat them like people. Don’t talk to them like they are babies. Golden rule applies: treat them like you would want to be treated. My kids are so incredibly adaptive that sometimes I learn things from them. They see color in the black, they see happiness in everything. Feed off of that and you will be just fine.

Response by CMSgt Private RallyPoint Member made Jun 20 at 2019 12:08 AM

2019-06-20T00:08:52-04:00

Congratulations to both you and your wife 1LT Michael Beggs. The fact that you are concerned is a step in the right direction. I have read most of the comments and they provide sound advice. I would add that 27 years on active duty took a toll on my family life.

Response by SFC Terry Bryant made Jun 20 at 2019 11:19 AM

2019-06-20T11:19:58-04:00

Never had children, love children but wife could not safely conceive. I had the best dad anyone could ask for. But he scared me sometimes. He was quiet, and very serious about everything. He was the backbone of our family and he could do no wrong in my eyes. I lived for the moments dad would pick me up at school and take me on fishing trips or even hunting and sometimes just to help him at work. Then he died when I was 15 and my whole world was shattered. Later in life I realized the lessons of life my father taught me in those 15 years was what made me who I am today. I would say stop trying not to be your dad if he was wrong and just be there for your son or daughter. That time you spend with your child and them watching you and learning form you is invaluable to their future.

Response by SSG Carlos Madden made Jun 20 at 2019 4:25 PM

2019-06-20T16:25:22-04:00

Congrats! I just had my first and grew up in a household with a single mother. The whole pregnancy I wondered what kind of parent I'd be without a "blueprint" to go off of. All that went away as soon as we started preparing for our daughter's arrival. I figured I'm already doing a better job than my father did and I'm determined to be better every day going forward. We'll be fine!

Response by SP5 Dennis Loberger made Jun 21 at 2019 9:06 PM

2019-06-21T21:06:10-04:00

Sit down and talk to a man you know to be a great father. See what he does that is different and successful. My son is the best father I know and it has nothing to do with the quality of his father who was only OK

Response by SPC Erich Guenther made Jun 22 at 2019 2:03 AM

2019-06-22T02:03:26-04:00

Had the discussion with my Parents later in life on my childhood an decisions they made and their answer was a fitting one and also kind of fitting for those in the Army: "There is no user manual issued on how to be a Parent". I accepted the answer as geniune instead of flippant. You might intend to be the best Dad you can be but their are outside influencers that you have to deal with on a daily basis (teachers, other kids parents your kid is friends with, who your kid chooses to hang around with, etc). I am not a Parent.....just what I have observed of my Brothers and Sisters kids. If I were you though if your Father is still alive you should sit down with him and have the conversation now that your both aged and mature. Find out what his perception was of you growing up........perhaps you sent out signals to him that he got a vibe you were OK with the status quo. Maybe he felt he had to give more priority to work to secure your future. If your Father is no longer around, talk to your Mother about it. The conversation helped me and my Parents develop a closer relationship.

Response by MSgt Private RallyPoint Member made Jun 22 at 2019 9:26 PM

2019-06-22T21:26:01-04:00

Congrats! I know you have doubts. I think most dad's do. There is no manual or play book that comes with having a child. It will all come with time. People will say o this or do that, the bottom line is each child is different and you have to do what is the best for them and your family. My boys are grown up now and I still don't have it all figured out. You will make mistakes. Take it one day at a time, one problem at a time. It will be tough, especially if you still serving. But enjoy the time you have with them.

Response by Kathy Shingleton made Jun 27 at 2019 3:51 PM

2019-06-27T15:51:17-04:00

You're already a step ahead! You know you want to be a better dad than you had. As for advice, make sure they know you love them! Even when they are in trouble. Be firm but fair. Listen to the small stuff or they might not come to you later with the big stuff. Treat your wife the way you want your daughter to be treated, she will be watching, and if you have a son he will be learning from you how to treat women. Teach by example. You will do just fine! Just remember to ask for help or advice when you need it. Congratulations!

Response by PFC Eric Parrish made Jun 27 at 2019 4:20 PM

2019-06-27T16:20:37-04:00

Look at the great role models that surrounded you in your neighborhood, town. Emulate the behavior that you seen demonstrated that you probably used to build yourself into a man different from your predecessors. The fact that you want to be better has already put you on the right path. There is no manual, be a good man and demonstrat the qualities that you want to impart to your child. Being there, being supportive, being moral, all will come together to build great men and/or women of the future. Do it right and the kids from dysfunctional families near you can also use your example to build themselves into decent adults.

Response by CWO2 David Bertoldo made Jul 11 at 2019 10:27 AM

2019-07-11T10:27:12-04:00

my father was a winner of the Medal of Honor which gave me some problems Just be a good man and watch Father Knows Best

Response by LCDR Private RallyPoint Member made Aug 1 at 2019 1:24 PM

2019-08-01T13:24:56-04:00

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Response by CPL Lynda Wade made Aug 22 at 2019 5:56 AM

2019-08-22T05:56:21-04:00

Do things together with your baby. Ask advice from those around u, who r good dads themselves. If u r involved in a church ask the elders of the church that u look up and let them be your role model.