What are the best things I can do to support a friend and his family during a deployment?

2016-02-05T20:42:43-05:00

A very close friend, who I consider a brother, found out today that he is deploying to Kuwait within the next 3 weeks. He just broke the news to his family today and it's been hard on everyone. He'll be gone for 6 months and I want to be there for his family as much as I can. What would you say are the most important things I can do to help pre-deployment and during the deployment itself? Thanks in advance.

Response by MSG Kirt Highberger made Feb 5 at 2016 8:53 PM

2016-02-05T20:53:07-05:00

Ask and be there when needed

Response by SFC Joe S. Davis Jr., MSM, DSL made Feb 5 at 2016 8:53 PM

2016-02-05T20:53:58-05:00

Capt Brandon Charters I would establish a solid rapport with close friend and family. Just communicate and a solid care package goes a long way too.

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 5 at 2016 8:56 PM

2016-02-05T20:56:42-05:00

One of the best things to talk to the family sir is that the country he is going to there is minimal threat to american troops. He will enjoy some benefits in his pay and will have amenities like internet, phone service and many more afforded to service members assigned to that area. It sounds to me that the servicemember have not deployed before or has not been away from the family since he joined the service. In that case which ever branch he belongs to, they have Family and community service counselors on post that will sit down with the service members and their dependants and explain to them what kind of services are provided to them to assist the family during the deployment. In the Army is called Army community services and the family readiness groups. Time away from home is always though but with the proper support from family, friends and chain of command it will make the experience bearable. Legal issues like Power of attorneys and Will have to be in place. It is going to be a busy three weeks.

Response by Cpl Mario DiPasquale made Feb 5 at 2016 8:56 PM

2016-02-05T20:56:53-05:00

The Marine Corps had a family readiness officer. Usually this position was held by one of the officer's wives. Their role was to build a support network amongst all of the families with loved ones overseas.
Sometimes they would have parties where they got together to create something to send to their loved ones. Or maybe the deployed loved ones created a video for the families to see. I missed two Christmases in a row overseas. We always sent a Merry Christmas video home.
Maybe you can find out if his detachment has something like this setup.

Response by SrA Karla Kiser made Feb 5 at 2016 8:57 PM

2016-02-05T20:57:11-05:00

Communication is key! Let them know as much as possible to ease their minds. Of course, nothing classified. Let them know how they can communicate with him while he's gone (if known). Kuwait is pretty internet friendly so email and Skype will probably be available. Set up things they can do while he's away to keep busy. For the kids, make a calendar and do a count down; that always helps. :) These are just a few. You're a good friend and being there for them when they need it will be a tremendous ease on your friends mind and for the family.

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 5 at 2016 8:57 PM

2016-02-05T20:57:27-05:00

depending on how close you are with the family stuff like helping out around the house and also communicating with both parties and stopping by now and then to check on them or take them out as a family to family type events. But everything depends on the level of your closeness with the family. The main thing would be to make sure that his family is taken care of.

Response by CPT Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 5 at 2016 9:17 PM

2016-02-05T21:17:06-05:00

Offer to help with things he normally would have done; mow the lawn, scoop the walk, take the kids to school, and help out with the things his wife feels weighed down with. You won't take his place, but you can help cover down on the things that would otherwise overwhelm her.

Response by SrA Karla Kiser made Feb 5 at 2016 10:51 PM

2016-02-05T22:51:23-05:00

Those of us that chose not to be vulgar in our responses are not blind to the fact that this happens. We've all deployed, we've all seen it. Nobody is saying otherwise, we just chose to show our support by giving useful advice instead of bringing to light negativity to the situation.

Response by CSM Charles Hayden made Feb 5 at 2016 11:44 PM

2016-02-05T23:44:48-05:00

Capt Brandon Charters Be careful, be supportive, be there when family emergencies arise. Let the spouse do her thing, she is not really your responsibility. Spouses have to learn to manage and survive w/o having 'Jody'in the picture.

Response by SPC David S. made Feb 6 at 2016 1:03 AM

2016-02-06T01:03:57-05:00

Pre-deployment - while it sucks help them get their affairs in order - obviously offline with just the SM. We're talking the letters to the kids and wife, will, insurance all the what if stuff.
While deployed invite the wife to join your family to dinner from time to time. Cook out and let her just vent. Help her find support if needed. On most bases or posts there are groups formed by the wives - in this environment she will be surrounded by her peers who have been there and done that.

Response by COL David Turk made Feb 6 at 2016 1:26 AM

2016-02-06T01:26:55-05:00

The two main issues I've seen in the past, were financial and emergency. Not to say there's not others, but those two stick out.

Also, don't smother the family.

With respect to financials, during one of your text/phone/email checks, ask something like, is there any issue with the pay being deposited, does she have questions about irregular amounts, is something missing from his pay, any help needed sorting out a bill? You will know how much to ask and when to let it go.

The other problem (emergencies) is trying to be in two places at the same time. When there are two adults, it's easier to manage. So, if you are available, let the spouse know she can call you, or your spouse, to cover if necessary. If you're not available, help find resources ahead of time (e.g., uber, Lyft, other military spouses, babysitters, chaplain, etc.). Give the list to her with an explanation.

Last, if your family is in a position to do so, have her kids stay over at your place with your kids for an evening or an overnight. Gives her some down time (away from the kids).

Good luck.

Response by 1SG Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 6 at 2016 9:43 AM

2016-02-06T09:43:28-05:00

Offer to mow the lawn and shovel the snow from the driveway - little stuff that means a lot and is hard to do if you're not used to doing it.
Don't go too far with pushing your help on them; many families are reluctant to seek or ask for help. If they declined, ask what you can do.
Things like watching the kids so she can get groceries are a huge help.

Response by CPT Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 6 at 2016 10:08 AM

2016-02-06T10:08:21-05:00

Just be available when your buddy asks you to help out his family. You don't want to over do it, guys minds' are all over the place and they start thinking of worst case scenarios. Being a phone call away for help is good enough for most. Glad there are battle buddies out there like you sir

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 6 at 2016 12:15 PM

2016-02-06T12:15:55-05:00

I would suggest ample time to communicate with family and at the same time build a environment that fills the gap of the family, meaning building a string military family

Response by PFC Stephen Eric Serati made Feb 6 at 2016 12:24 PM

2016-02-06T12:24:06-05:00

This is a slippery slope.You want to help,but deployment is vulnerable time for the family.My advice would be keep it professional on all levels at all times.Dont let yourself be pulled into one on one,or private settings.What I'm saying wether you want it or not,the family has lost their anchor,when you try to be that anchor you create unintentional consequences.

Response by Robyn Morrow made Feb 7 at 2016 5:56 PM

2016-02-07T17:56:08-05:00

Check in on them all the time. My son just recently enlisted in the army. I as his mom spoke or text him everyday. It's been a month since I last heard from him. I cried alot just waiting for my nervous breakdown. But a good friend from my work contacted me. We talked, we cried, we laughed. She got me in touch with others moms just like me. Because she checks in on me everyday. Life is getting better.
Reach out to your friends family. Text them, email, call them, listen to them most of all. Just sharing how I felt with her about my son gone is making life bearable with him gone.