What are your most hilarious stories from "when nature called" while in the field?

RallyPoint Shared Content — Tue, 25 Oct 2016 12:20:51 -0400

Inspired by this Reddit thread (https://www.reddit.com/r/Military/comments/597fpz/how_do_soldiers_go_to_the_toilet_on_missions/).

Response by SSgt Terry P. made Oct 25 at 2016 12:51 PM

SSgt Terry P. — Tue, 25 Oct 2016 12:51:18 -0400

Okay let's get real---you can hold it.

Response by CSM Chuck Stafford made Oct 25 at 2016 1:12 PM

CSM Chuck Stafford — Tue, 25 Oct 2016 13:12:20 -0400

When you run out of TP, but you have plenty of T-shirt...

Response by MSG Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 25 at 2016 1:26 PM

MSG Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 25 Oct 2016 13:26:29 -0400

A couple of stories. Some from FT Irwin, some from Iraq and Kuwait.

FT Irwin story #1: One of the Engineers in the company, he headed off to the rocks to perform a Class 1 download. About 5 mikes later, he came running back to the vehicles........with pants at his knees, and jumped on a hood. Turns out he was being chased by a Green Mojave. Not funny if he got bit, but the sight of him running was hilarious.

FT Irwin story #2: We Engineers were really not known to be nice to BLUFOR. After a "battle," we had moved to a space in the hills. Turns out this spot was a hidey hole for some BLUFOR Engineer equipment and supplies. One of the Engineers from my convoy needed to Class 1 download as well. After a few, he came back and proceeded to tell us he left BLUFOR a present in one of their boxes they left.

Kuwait story: We were at Camp Buerhing. Had been there a day with a few to go before our flight into Iraq. A few of us were sitting at this smoke area trying to take cover from a small sand storm. One of the guys had hit the portajohn and came back to tell us that someone had cut a "Glory Hole" leading from one portajohn into the other one. Our Detachment Sergeant didn't quite believe him, so she went and looked for herself. She came back shaking her head and commented that the guy must be built like a sewing needle since it was a small glory hole.

Iraq story: Ever been in a portajohn when a mortar/rocket attack took place? 'Nuff said.

Response by SGT Ben Keen made Oct 25 at 2016 1:32 PM

SGT Ben Keen — Tue, 25 Oct 2016 13:32:59 -0400

I'm sure I'm not the only one that saw someone lose their gas mask in the blue liquid of a port-a-john. I remember while on base camp in Kuwait leading up to the invasion of Iraq, another NCO in my section when to go right when a scud was launched. In the process, he lost his mask in the port-a-john. And you think dropping your cell phone is bad?!?!

Response by CW5 Sam R. Baker made Oct 25 at 2016 2:30 PM

CW5 Sam R. Baker — Tue, 25 Oct 2016 14:30:02 -0400

Kandahar Afghanistan in January 2002 conducting a Relief in Place with the Marines Helicopter Expeditionary Unit. The Marines had outdoor plumbing and it was a four-seater with only chest and below coverage and well, no divider between occupants, so when the MRE and malaria pills all hit at once, you would have to go into the wooden structure and squeeze past those already sitting, it was a one way in and out manmade structure where contact was imminent, not only in getting in, but while sitting down. The damnest of conversation was always present once you got over the uncomfortable moment of waving at folks as they drove by in vehicle. The 55 gallon drum ones we made later were a little bit better in that you at least cut down on the "HIP" contact while sitting as we put in dividers and a full frontal door for each one. Got to love the team effort by the Marines, we got to know them very well while overlapping.

Response by CAPT Kevin B. made Oct 25 at 2016 3:30 PM

CAPT Kevin B. — Tue, 25 Oct 2016 15:30:29 -0400

Duplicate, ignore.

Response by MSG Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 25 at 2016 4:42 PM

MSG Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 25 Oct 2016 16:42:36 -0400

when I first joined we were still digging one holers and slit trenches while in the field, privacy none, do your business and move on, heard many stories from my cousin while he was in Vietnam about the burn parties, thank god for port-a- potties, the best was the MRE's if your constipated chicken chow mien, if you got the trots dehydrated pork/beef patties or oatmeal bars, also save all the TP that came with them

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 25 at 2016 6:14 PM

SSG Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 25 Oct 2016 18:14:12 -0400

While in the field I woke up early one morning with the urge to dump. So I grabbed my weapon and my baby wipes and walked to the top of the tallest hill. While up there I found a beautiful copse of trees with coverage on three sides and a low branch that was basically set up just for me that crisp morning. I couldn't believe my luck! Now these were high class field sh*t digs, man!
Now I will forgo the details and we will fast forward to me sitting on the branch, exposed to nature, letting nature take its course. Alone and relieving myself on a wonderful morning training to kill Commies.
I wasn't alone . . . all of a sudden I heard rustling. I grabbed my weapon in anticipation only to discover it was a random lone soldier just strolling by as if he were in a park . . . on top of the tallest hill . . . he stopped when he got in front of me, turned, looked deep into my soul mid-turd drop and said "what's up".
Then like that he was gone. I felt violated. My perfect field poop was ruined by a phantom soldier atop a lonely hill deep in the heart of train-to-kill-Commies country. I finished and trudged back down the hill, defeated.
I still shutter thinking about that moment.

Response by SGT Philip Roncari made Oct 25 at 2016 7:39 PM

SGT Philip Roncari — Tue, 25 Oct 2016 19:39:43 -0400

Not at all hilarious,but the agony of the "off limits latrine"-due to the impending IG inspection Ft.Lewis Wa.1966.

Response by SCPO Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 26 at 2016 1:57 AM

SCPO Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 26 Oct 2016 01:57:25 -0400

Response by SFC Joseph Weber made Oct 26 at 2016 7:25 AM

SFC Joseph Weber — Wed, 26 Oct 2016 07:25:35 -0400

When I was a Private in the 2ACR I went out into the woods at our LTA and found a comfy log to launch from. The regimental Commander had visited and as his helicopter lifted off it came to a hover about 50 meters from me and whoever was in the front seat waved at me. I was in mid delivery and was trying to decide if I should stand and salute, fall over backwards, what exactly. I went with waving back.

Response by CSM Richard StCyr made Oct 26 at 2016 10:02 AM

CSM Richard StCyr — Wed, 26 Oct 2016 10:02:01 -0400

The day Jurgen blew himself out of the crapper in Costa Rica. Someone mixed way to much mogas with the diesel in the burn bucket and when Jurgen flicked the ash from the cigarette he wasn't supposed to be smoking in the crapper into the bucket, the crapper went off and he was thrown out onto the ground. There he was trousers down and covered in crud, hair singed off and disoriented as all get out.
There are a hundred Jurgen stories, great guy, hard worker and good friend, but if something was amiss you could put money on him being in the middle of it. Jurgen was killed in a motor bike accident shortly after he got back from the Gulf war.

Response by CAPT Kevin B. made Oct 26 at 2016 2:15 PM

CAPT Kevin B. — Wed, 26 Oct 2016 14:15:23 -0400

Down in Antarctica, we'd have U-Barrels. They were 55 gal drums cut in half lengthwise. you'd mount one under the plank with a toilet seat and have a service door to the outside to lift it out with a forklift. Pretty clean as everything froze quickly and you'd take the slug and dump it out on the sea ice (not done nowadays). The trick was to wait until someone was in full deuce mode then open both the service and entry hatches at the same time so -40 air would blast the butt for a full pucker experience. However, if you were caught, that was a "Packing Offense". You get your pants and skivvies yanked down and your butt would get packed with -40 snow. All blasts/packs were later ranked at the club.

Burnouts on Tinian were interesting. We'd see the enclosures already marching to town when we went wheels up as they were better living than a lot of the stuff there.

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 26 at 2016 6:18 PM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 26 Oct 2016 18:18:52 -0400

During basic our FTX was finally coming to a close. So we are doing a police call. The Company CDR finds out that someone took a shit in the clearing barrel. Since it was going to be inspected before we left he asked for 6 strong soldiers. "We are doing some covert OPS". And he switched clearing barrels with the company next to us. Later on that day, that company was low crawling around the tents. I felt bad because they were low crawling but I felt good it wasn't us.

Response by SGT Andrew Sherman made Oct 26 at 2016 6:36 PM

SGT Andrew Sherman — Wed, 26 Oct 2016 18:36:50 -0400

There I was, on COB Basra in 2009, when the sudden urge to urinate hit me. I go into the biffy outside the place where we were rehearsing. I turn on my light attached to my ring of keys, which included some essential weapons related keys, and hold it with my teeth while doing my business. Finish up, start pulling up my pants, then I got distracted by noise outside and loosen the grip on my keys/light. It was like slow motion watching them fall into the dreaded blue juice which had been turned a green/brown color because of the days use and desert sun. I couldn't just let these keys get into the hands of some Iraqi worker, so I dove in, retrieved them and proceeded to wash my hands with bleach, sanitizer, and whatever caustic liquid I could find until they were raw and no remnants of excrement or blue could be detected on them. My team had a good laugh that night. They still occasionally bring up the story of Mr. Blue Juice... Another funny time is when an IDF alarm was sounding and I saw two privates explode out of a pair of portajohns and hit the ground, pants still around their ankles, junk in the sand. Had a good laugh at that scene.

Response by Capt Daniel Goodman made Jul 12 at 2019 12:36 PM

Capt Daniel Goodman — Fri, 12 Jul 2019 12:36:36 -0400

Sigh...ya gotta be kidding with that photo...LMAO....

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made Jul 12 at 2019 2:20 PM

MAJ Ken Landgren — Fri, 12 Jul 2019 14:20:32 -0400

I was going to run 4 miles on the river trail at Ft Riley when I had the sudden urge to do a number two. I ran deep into the forest and used a tree to prop myself. The mosquitos swarmed my bare ass, and I was faced with a lack of toilet paper, so I used a sock. I took my other sock off as the soldiers would think it is odd that I am wearing one sock. I swear there is a marijuana bush on that trail.

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 12 at 2019 3:19 PM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 12 Jul 2019 15:19:34 -0400

One evening at NTC while I was in the middle of a squat away from my APC, a pack of what I assumed were coyotes sounded off.

Response by LTC David Brown made Apr 12 at 2021 8:26 PM

LTC David Brown — Mon, 12 Apr 2021 20:26:07 -0400

I was a LTC and for some reason I got placed in the enlisted barracks. It wasn’t a good fit. The junior enlisted were very stilted and clearly uncomfortable. One morning I was on a “throne” and a junior enlisted saluted me.

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 13 at 2021 2:47 PM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 13 Apr 2021 14:47:29 -0400

We had it good. We carried a metal folding chair with a hole cut out of the seat and a piece welded on to hold the TP.