What is Family Life like in Special Operations?

1LT Private RallyPoint Member — Sat, 30 Nov 2013 23:24:33 -0500

The thought of working within a Special Operations Community has come up numerous times when I think of enhancing my career. I have been thinking about throwing my hat in the ring and see if being selected is possible. I am sure I can handle it mentally, however how is the family life? My family comes before anything and if it is rough, or more difficult than being in the regular Army it may deter me from attempting to join. Any thoughts,tips and or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for your time! 

Response by SFC James Baber made Dec 12 at 2013 10:13 PM

SFC James Baber — Thu, 12 Dec 2013 22:13:47 -0500

I went that route with Delta early in my career when I was young and single, I think it would too much strain on both of you, even with a strong marriage, the life is very difficult with the drop of a hat departures and stress on the family never knowing where you are.

Response by CW3(P) Private RallyPoint Member made Dec 12 at 2013 11:57 PM

CW3(P) Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 12 Dec 2013 23:57:08 -0500

I first made the jump to 160th SOAR (A), now I am at 1st SFG (A). Both are Special Operations and both are totally different worlds. I have enjoyed my time but it could come to an end depending on what I want to do in my career. I have a few choices and some no longer involve the community. I think its a great move and can be a hard decision to make coming from the conventional army.

Response by MSG Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 20 at 2014 9:28 PM

MSG Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 20 Feb 2014 21:28:51 -0500

I have some close friends of mine in the USASOC community. Its hard to keep "secrets if you will". I have had conversations with them to include there wife and mine about some of the issues that you may run into with family in that type of job. I like yourself have thought about doing something along the lines of Special Operations.

But once you really sit down and talk to folks you realize there is a lot to put up with in these jobs or at least some of them. A lot of those buildings you work in your not allowed to carry a phone.. so with that your already missing that link, then with the deployments, and training.. you may know that your leaving for 2-3 weeks but where you go and who you go with may not be disclosed. It takes a strong marriage to put up with a spouse leaving on these "trips" for weeks or months at a time. Here it is November in North Carolina and you come back in January with a sun tan... Wonder where you have been??

It sounds really cool, and looks high speed but I think until you live it or actually talk to folks who are in it, it kind of makes you put things into perspective. Its a hard job, that requires a lot of attention to detail and certainly a lot of time. Your working with the most professional men and women in the world, and if your not bringing your A game everyday then you may not be what there looking for. Not to say that you wouldn't do those things, but I can see it being tough on family and you as a Soldier.

Response by LTC Yinon Weiss made Dec 3 at 2014 6:48 PM

LTC Yinon Weiss — Wed, 03 Dec 2014 18:48:56 -0500

In many ways, family life is better. Over the past decade, deployments were more frequent but much shorter. SOF doesn't do 12 month deployments for example.

The training is definitely extensive, and will take you away from your family during that time. If your spouse is not on board for that, it would make it extremely difficult.

Bottom line is... what is your definition of "more difficult?" If you are doing more of the mission that you are trained to do, does that make your life more difficult or easier? I think it's up to the individual as to how that affects them. In general though, I did not see any SOF-specific requirements cause additional stresses on people's relationships. It's one of those things where if the relationship is good, it will make it stronger. If the relationship is weak, it will make it weaker.

Response by CPT Private RallyPoint Member made Dec 4 at 2014 1:05 PM

CPT Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 04 Dec 2014 13:05:01 -0500

I think just being in the Army is challenging enough. No matter what you do you should consider you family and consult your spouse. But you have to realize that with such an occupation it may demand more. You really have to solidify the bonds of your marriage before you decide to move in such a direction in the military. If you favor family life beyond all else it may be a difficult route. I can say that being in the National Guard has been much more of a strain than when I was in the Regular. I, on average, have spent about 3 to 4 months away from home in the past couple years since I commissioned. And now I will be away for 10 months for a tour.

I am very fortunate that I have a very strong and resilient wife. I have seen so many not make it in the military. I have also seen it where soldiers have decided leave the military due to the circumstances that surround their family life.

At the end of the day you basically sign a blank check committing everything you have for the military and the United States. When you get married your wife is now signing a blank check also committing untold countless nights away, missed holidays, and living as single parent for long periods of time. The question really surrounds the commitment that you are both willing to take. I have seen experiences vary wildly. I am in the National Guard. I have spent more time on active duty then I have been in a reserve status. My wife never anticipated this but she is supportive nonetheless as we often speak about my career.

Just so you know I will be attempting SFAS next fall.

Response by SGT Richard H. made Dec 6 at 2014 7:09 PM

SGT Richard H. — Sat, 06 Dec 2014 19:09:55 -0500

I went to SFAS and was selected in 1992....I was coming up on my reenlistment window and all I needed was to sign my name and I was off to the Q-course. I was also dating my (now) wife at the time. After some lengthy and serious discussions, she came to the conclusion that she wasn't cut out to be an Army wife, let alone an SF wife. She was raised an Army Brat, so she did have a pretty good picture of what it would mean, so I made what was then and even now the heaviest decision of my life...I didn't sign, and I ETS'd.

Do I regret that decision? Yeah, sometimes I do. I don't regret marrying her, and am still with her today, and we have a daughter that will be starting college in 2015, so that decision definitely didn't result in a loss, but I've asked myself many times through the years whether I should have stayed in and tried harder to talk her into...and on and on....

The point I'm making here is that you need to look real hard at whether it's for you. AND whether it's for her. Personally, SF was the only thing left for me in the Army. I couldn't imagine any other lifestyle going forward as a soldier, but it wasn't for my (future) wife. Especially for you, since you're already married, you need to talk to her and explain what's motivating you. Be real honest with her about what it means for her...maybe even find an SF wife or two for her to talk to...and include her in the decision. You'll be making a big mistake one way or the other if you don't.

Response by LTC Private RallyPoint Member made Dec 7 at 2014 2:39 PM

LTC Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 07 Dec 2014 14:39:15 -0500

It is completely up
To your Spouse. If the spouse is OK with long separations, loves your career and is in it to win it then you will be good. But even then you have to re-assess every few years because you never really know how it is affecting your family until you are in the community. In the end, your family will let you know when your time having fun is done; and when it is you need to take that mindset that made you want to be an operator and apply that to deciding it's time to refocus on your family. You can only serve one master, as an operator that master is not your family; never lose focus or become susceptible to the Kool aid. In the end, you are a success as an operator of your wife is with you AG the finish line and your kids still love and respect you. No honors or accolades
Will ever replace that price of mind; good luck and I hope you and your family enjoy the ride. It is a lot of fun, and a lot of work-the best of times and the worst of times ;)

Response by 1SG Private RallyPoint Member made May 3 at 2015 2:28 PM

1SG Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 03 May 2015 14:28:30 -0400

This answer is actually a yes and no and hopefully my thoughts wont add to your confusion. I have spent the last 12 years in 7th Group and in that time have gone from Junior Commo to Team Sergeant. Overall I would wholeheartedly say that family life is better in SOF. The units are smaller and managed on a smaller scale with leaders having flexibility that is much greater than the conventional side. The average conventional structure is nothing but a meat grinder, turnover is high and many times leaders don't really know their guys. From my perspective it is the exact opposite and I will use my Team Sergeant time as an example.
First, my Bn Cdr and I were on the same squad in the Q course and my Company SGM was a guy I had known for over 10 years since I was brand new to group. I was single but didn't mean I didn't have large amounts of consideration for family guys.

One example was I had a guy about to start a month long course with long hours and travel involved, his wife had a bad visit to the Dr with more bad news to come when she was diagnosed with cancer. My CPT and I talked about (5 mins) and I decided to pull the guy from starting the course and reduced his work schedule to as needed for a few weeks until he could make some arrangements with family. All I did was pick up the phone and call my Company SGM, done deal.
Another was being deployed to South America when one of my guys who was deployed as remote as it gets called back and said his wife was having sever pregnancy complications. Once again, a phone call, helicopter ride, quick stop at the Embassy and he was on a plane home the next day. No hassle, no I need to talk to the Dr or Red Cross or anything.
Same with we send guys home to see their kids born, especially first born. Things have been going nonstop since 9/11, your first child only comes once. The leadership weighs it and decides, in almost all circumstances the Company and Bn leadership support their MSGs and CPTs.

Response by CPT Private RallyPoint Member made May 3 at 2015 2:31 PM

CPT Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 03 May 2015 14:31:42 -0400

I dropped a CA packet and got picked up. I went and spoke with some of the folks that were in the CA BN at Stewart, and wnded up declining the opportunity because of the optempo. However, I am a single mother, and I would have had to give up residential custody of my daughter. However, if your family is on board, I think it's an amazing opportunity. Some days I regret turning the chance down, but I know I made the best decision for my daughter.

Response by MSG Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 5 at 2016 9:26 PM

MSG Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 05 Apr 2016 21:26:43 -0400

You may want to reconsider attempting selection. I always recommend people give it a try, but I don't think SF is easier on the family. I don't know what you experience has been in the regular Army, but my first year on a detachment I was gone for 9 months. That year did not include a deployment to a combat theatre. It was just a lot of short training and real world trips. Your family will always have to understand that you will have to spend time away from them.

When I taught at SWCS I told all new and prospective students that if their significant others were not on board, they would not be successful in the Q course.

Response by SPC Private RallyPoint Member made May 11 at 2017 2:43 PM

SPC Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 11 May 2017 14:43:53 -0400

Hi, I am in the process of getting my physicals done and start doing pt with 7th group where I am, and really looking forward to doing this whole process and going to selection. My question is, is that I am married with 2 daughters and I was wondering how having a family my size already would be like in SF? I have already talked to my wife and she is all for me going SF and pursuing my goal of doing something I would love to do, and progressing in my career.

Response by 1SG Edward Richards made Feb 28 at 2019 8:13 PM

1SG Edward Richards — Thu, 28 Feb 2019 20:13:52 -0500

One word ROUGH, here today gone tomorrow. not funny but true facts being SF, Rangers, Seal, Delta does put a strain on the family network. When I got married 1962 the wife and I sat down we talked about what we need to do to have a successful marriage. I gave her the check book and explained that from this day forth you will manage the family funding 58 years later she is still managing the family funding. One day I signed a check and about three hours later the bank called and wanted to know if her husband signed a check this morning, first and last time I signed a check.
It takes time and yes your wife will be lonely at times and you need to encourage her to join the wife's club. Or other activities the was the driver for all the woman without vehicles, she stayed busy taken others to the PX, commissary, Doctor appointments, plus raising a family. This is just a suggestion you have to be the one talking to your wife. The most serious offense is a deployed trooper worrying about his family back home. While the shoot hits the fan. Until we meet again have a great day