What is the funniest thing you've heard a Drill Sergeant say?

SPC Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 31 Jan 2014 00:33:38 -0500

This isn't limited to what you've heard but it could also include what you've said.

DS: "Did you buy my action figure at Wal-Mart?"
Private: "No drill sergeant!"
DS: "Then why are you playin' with me?!"

Response by SSG Zachery Mitchell made Jan 31 at 2014 12:39 AM

SSG Zachery Mitchell — Fri, 31 Jan 2014 00:39:30 -0500

<p>This happened to a guy I was in Basic with while we were on range detail. One of the funniest things I've ever witnessed. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>DS: "Beat your face private" </p><p>Private "Uhmm Drill Sergeant?"</p><p>DS: "I said beat your face private!"</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Private then proceeds to slap himself in the face slowly but repeatedly about 3 or 4 times until the DS notices. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>DS: "what the hell are you doing private?"</p><p>Private: "You told me to beat my face Drill Sergeant"</p><p>DS: "I meant do push ups. what the hell? That's one of the funniest things I've ever seen. get out of my face private." </p>

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 31 at 2014 12:54 AM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 31 Jan 2014 00:54:36 -0500

Overheard this gem in line to the DFAC.

DS: "Have you ever seen the serial number on a condom, private?"

PVT: "No, DS!"

DS: "You must not unroll it far enough."

My favorite DS also told me once, "Miller. If you were black you would rule the world." I'm not sure what he meant but I think it was a compliment.

Response by SFC Stephen P. made Jan 31 at 2014 8:25 AM

SFC Stephen P. — Fri, 31 Jan 2014 08:25:32 -0500

"From this day forward, you will eat, sleep, f&%*, and dance in roster number order".<br>

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 31 at 2014 8:26 AM

SSG Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 31 Jan 2014 08:26:46 -0500

As some guys were leaving to go to bible study, "go learn about Sodom and Gomorrah, the original call for fire"!!!!

Response by 1SG Johnny Carter made Feb 1 at 2014 7:04 PM

1SG Johnny Carter — Sat, 01 Feb 2014 19:04:02 -0500

DS: Hey Private do I know you, what's your mom's name??

Me: which mom?

DS: Do push ups

Me: What??? Lol

Yea DS loved me but I became a push up King!!!! Lol

Response by CPT Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 1 at 2014 7:23 PM

CPT Private RallyPoint Member — Sat, 01 Feb 2014 19:23:12 -0500

<p style="font: 13px/18.2px Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 0.3em; padding: 0px; color: rgb(51, 51, 51); text-transform: none; text-indent: 0px; letter-spacing: normal; word-spacing: 0px; white-space: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px;">"<span class="character">Gunnery Sergeant</span>: How tall are you, private?</p><p style="font: 13px/18.2px Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 0.3em; padding: 0px; color: rgb(51, 51, 51); text-transform: none; text-indent: 0px; letter-spacing: normal; word-spacing: 0px; white-space: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px;"><span class="character">Private: </span>Sir, five-foot-nine, sir.</p><p style="font: 13px/18.2px Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 0.3em; padding: 0px; color: rgb(51, 51, 51); text-transform: none; text-indent: 0px; letter-spacing: normal; word-spacing: 0px; white-space: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px;"><span class="character">Gunnery Sergeant: </span>Five-foot-nine, I didn't know they stacked shit that high!"</p><p style="font: 13px/18.2px Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 0.3em; padding: 0px; color: rgb(51, 51, 51); text-transform: none; text-indent: 0px; letter-spacing: normal; word-spacing: 0px; white-space: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px;">-Full Metal Jacket</p>

Response by MSG Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 1 at 2014 7:58 PM

MSG Private RallyPoint Member — Sat, 01 Feb 2014 19:58:54 -0500

<p>12 years ago.....   (after the first twenty something push-ups)...... DS: Holy $hit F@ck Sticks!!!!  Have you ever heard of SELF PRESERVATION!?!?!?!?  (reply mixed)  GET YOUR A$$ES OUT OF THE AIR!!! THATS HOW YOU GET AIDS!!!!</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>OSUT training Fort Sill:  Congratulations Privates! You have now graduated basic training!  Today begins your first day of AIT!   Half-Right face!   Front leaning rest position, Move!....  Not $hit has changed privates!  In cadence!  Exercise!</p>

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 3 at 2014 6:01 PM

SSG Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 03 Feb 2014 18:01:10 -0500

This was told to me by the DS after the fact.

Situation: DS walks into laundry room and finds 2 male Soldiers performing sexual acts.

My question to him: What the hell did you say?"

Him: "Told em to put their damn clothes on and get their ass to the CQ desk."

The statement wasn't as funny as the face he made for the next 24 hours.

I worked at OSUT in Ft Benning and have a bucket of crazy stories.

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 4 at 2014 3:00 AM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 04 Apr 2014 03:00:48 -0400

Back in the old' spit-shining boots days of AIT<div><br></div><div>DS: there are three parts of the boot that has to be shined!</div><div>        The toe, the heel.......and the rest of the boot, ha-ha</div><div><br></div><div>Keep pushing!</div>

Response by MSG Wade Huffman made Apr 4 at 2014 7:17 AM

MSG Wade Huffman — Fri, 04 Apr 2014 07:17:20 -0400

Day one at reception... linen issue... we walked through the line receiving our sheets, blankets, pillow, pillow case and at the end of the line the DS handed me a clipboard and yelled  "PRINT YOUR SIGNATURE"...  I said "excuse me DS" (not knowing whether to print OR sign) and he repeated... "I SAID PRINT YOUR G D SIGNATURE!!!"  I was too scared to ask if I should print or sign, so I just scribbled on the form and moved out... QUICKLY!

Response by MAJ Jim Woods made Apr 4 at 2014 3:29 PM

MAJ Jim Woods — Fri, 04 Apr 2014 15:29:51 -0400

"Woods, do you want a boot up your ass?" How do you answer that one.

In OCS: A Tac Officer

"Woods, do you know why they call me Lt. Wonderbread?" "Cause' I build bodies 12 different ways. Now get down and start building!"

Response by PFC Dustin Atkins made Jul 13 at 2014 10:01 AM

PFC Dustin Atkins — Sun, 13 Jul 2014 10:01:30 -0400

during a routine inspection our senior drill sergeant, drill sergeant johnson was inspecting our wall lockers and he arrived at a soldiers wall locker named camponelli. he started rummaging through his things and found a shower loofah. and a picture i had hung in his wall locker while he wasnt looking of a picture of cartman from south park mooning.

DS: Camponelli get over here
Camp: moving drill sergeant!
DS: what in the hell is this!?
Camp: its a loofa drill sergeant
DS: what in the hell is a loofa!?
Camp: Its for exfoliating your skin drill sergeant
DS: Are you gay!? AND WHY IN THE HELL IS CARTMAN MOONING ME!?

Response by SrA Private RallyPoint Member made Aug 5 at 2014 7:09 AM

SrA Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 05 Aug 2014 07:09:57 -0400

AF BMT Trainee in the chow line laughing...

MTI: You call that disciplie?
'Cause I don't
I go home I beat my dog,
I beat my wife,
I beat my beat and don't C@M

THAT IS F@##ING DISCIPLE NOW LEARN IT!

I was in my second week of Basic and almost lost it right there...

Response by 1SG Harold Piet made Oct 14 at 2014 6:21 AM

1SG Harold Piet — Tue, 14 Oct 2014 06:21:55 -0400

I was in Basic in 75 at Fort Lost in the woods Misery, I volunteered to go Airborne and was accepted, All my Drills were straight Legs. They dogged my @$$ bad. They said in Roll call that every time my name was called drop and give them 20. They called my name so often I thought The Piet's were a complete platoon. But it did help me prepare for Airborne School. Jan 76.

Response by TSgt Private RallyPoint Member made Nov 9 at 2014 7:18 PM

TSgt Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 09 Nov 2014 19:18:24 -0500

While marching in a detail the guy calling cadence made a mistake and I cracked a smile. A very feared MTI (MSgt. Hudson from the squadron stops us and asks me who I am
Me: "Sir, trainee Rogers reports as ordered."
MSgt: "Oh, trainee Rogers, huh? why are you smiling trainee Rogers? this is a stressful place. Oh, I know did some one tell a joke? was it a Chuck Norris joke? I love Chuck Norris jokes. Tell me the Chuck Norris joke. Chuck Norris invented the giraffe by punching a horse in the face, was that the Chuck Norris joke?"
Me: "Nobody told a joke, sir."
MSgt.: "Then stop smiling"

It was a very one-sided discussion

Response by LTC Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 17 at 2015 4:10 PM

LTC Private RallyPoint Member — Sat, 17 Jan 2015 16:10:50 -0500

"Battle"

Response by CMSgt Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 22 at 2015 12:52 PM

CMSgt Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 22 Jan 2015 12:52:37 -0500

I honestly think that Drill Sergeants had to attend mandatory clown college and Snark 101 courses. I have seldom heard some of that level of funny than (Army) Basic Training. Or, perhaps it is just situational.

All I know is that I ALWAYS passed PT because I laughed at EVERYTHING. And got into ALL the trouble--no really. No one else could get into trouble because I had it all.

I am from NJ, so when I heard some of the sayings, it would send me into full-body laughter. First time I heard, "open a can of whoop-ass", I said to my squad mate, "WTF did he just say??!" followed by an attempt to conceal my giggles, so full-on snorting--laughing--snorting ensued. Ahhh, I was in the crosshairs from that point onward. Good times.

Response by SPC James Mcneil made Jan 22 at 2015 2:55 PM

SPC James Mcneil — Thu, 22 Jan 2015 14:55:05 -0500

At Ft. Eustis, we had a Drill Sergeant that would walk up and stomp his boot next to a private's boot and say something along the lines of how "awesome" his boot looked compared to the private's boot. This was true no matter how well the private had shined his boot. We suspected the Drill Sergeant of having his done, but that's another story.

One day, a private walked up and said, "Check this out Drill Sergeant!" And then he stomped his foot down RIGHT beside the Drill Sergeant's boot. I think the Drill Sergeant thought he was going to stomp on his foot because he jumped back and yelled, "Holy dogshit private! Don't do that to the Drill Sergeant! We ain't nowhere near a latrine!"

Response by Capt Jeff S. made Jan 23 at 2015 12:40 AM

Capt Jeff S. — Fri, 23 Jan 2015 00:40:43 -0500

In bootcamp, the DI says (pointing to my unibrow), "Recruit, you look like a freakin' werewolf. Go in the head and fix that!"

Ran into the head, and had to pluck out all the eyebrow hairs with my fingers. It so irritated my skin, that lymph oozed out of where the hair follicles had been pulled out by the roots and it scabbed over.

The next day the DI calls me out to see if I did what I was told and seeing this big scab between my eyes, just looks at me and shakes his head. He never gave me crap about the unibrow again.

Response by SPC Emerson Budreau made Jan 23 at 2015 1:39 AM

SPC Emerson Budreau — Fri, 23 Jan 2015 01:39:12 -0500

*I tried to censor as best I could, if I missed anything, I apologize.

At FLW, Feb 2008, marching to the ASIP class:

DS:"Stop slipping on the goddam ice, and march!"
*slips and busts his ass

The entire platoon does that choking sound when you're fighting back laughter.

He stands up, and looks for other DS, "I guess that was pretty funny.... f**k it, ROUTE STEP, MARCH!"

Same DS, couple weeks later walks into the 8 man bay while we were conducting barracks maintanence. We were on the same floor as females, just separated by a door. And we could hear a female DS Digging into them. My DS pulls up his coffee, and takes a whif. Looks at all of us real mean and erupts with, "nag nag naaaag, biiiiiiitch, biiiiitch biiiitch." Like a chainsaw. Gets really quiet, resumes his normal solemn face, and walks out of the room.

It may sound like he was soft, through these stories, but he conducted business accordingly, and would smoke the dog s**t out of us at the drop of a hat. But those few moments, I'll remember for the rest of my life.

Response by MAJ(P) Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 23 at 2015 3:07 AM

MAJ(P) Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 23 Jan 2015 03:07:03 -0500

When I enlisted, I was brought into the Army by my mother's then-boyfriend who was a recruiter at the time.

During my 10 month AIT, he called me at the CQ desk to check up on me. When the DS asked who he was, I told him the situation.

He smiled at me and said, "That's messed up Blakeslee. First he f**ks you, now he's f**king your mother."

Funniest. Private. Moment. Ever.

Response by MSG Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 30 at 2015 10:05 PM

MSG Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 30 Jan 2015 22:05:16 -0500

1993 getting picked up from reception and get pushed into a cattle truck. On walks SSG Lopez (who ended up as one of my platoon DS's). He calmly walks to the middle of the car, and simply states...."Alright PVTs, put your faces in your bags cuz I don't want to see you. No talking and no farting cuz I don't want to smell your sh*t." While I laugh at that now, that statement scared the hell out of me then

Response by SFC Mark Merino made Feb 1 at 2015 6:03 PM

SFC Mark Merino — Sun, 01 Feb 2015 18:03:11 -0500

I have a caption for your photo...."I WILL EAT YOUR FACE!!!!!"

Response by Cpl Jeff N. made Feb 1 at 2015 6:05 PM

Cpl Jeff N. — Sun, 01 Feb 2015 18:05:44 -0500

Had just been picked up by our Drill Instructors. We were going through some sort of Q&A with the Senior DI. I was next. I slapped the wall where the handprint was (that is how we knocked). I was told to enter, I went in, standing at attention, terrified, this is what happened next

SDI: Why are you here.
Me: Sir, you called me in, sir!
SDI: Turning red in the face, stands up and says "you (ewe)!!! Do I look like a female sheep to you? Do you want to f*$# me boy?
Me: Having no idea that a ewe was a female sheep says "sir, no sir!

It went down hill from there. He was in my grill, I became acquainted with the wall. I was on the quarterdeck for a long time. I finally figured out what a you/ewe was and never made that mistake again. That was day 1 or 2 of training I think.

Response by LCDR Jamie Galus made Feb 1 at 2015 6:27 PM

LCDR Jamie Galus — Sun, 01 Feb 2015 18:27:34 -0500

My Class Drill Instructor: "You're like a slow Internet connection. "

Response by SSG John M. made Feb 1 at 2015 8:13 PM

SSG John M. — Sun, 01 Feb 2015 20:13:04 -0500

All of my Drill Sgts would have been locked up after the first cycle today.....
Sorry Ladies but....

"Pvt McCain you so dumb they should melt you down and stick you back in your daddy's balls"

You could of heard a pin drop, and then uncontrolled laughter

Response by SSgt Dan Montague made Feb 1 at 2015 8:46 PM

SSgt Dan Montague — Sun, 01 Feb 2015 20:46:31 -0500

This is something that happened to another recruit (rec). A little back story here. We were in 3rd phase just a week from graduation. Our DI's had left us with a baby sitter while they do DI stuff. The baby sitter was a DI we had for the first 2 months of training and he moved on as a senior in another BN. He was tough and well respected, especially by a chubby rec named Garcia. Garcia was always getting thrashed (bent) on the quarter deck by this DI.
So, we were sitting on the deck by our racks shining brass. Garcia walks up to the DI on the quarter deck.
rec: SIR! Rec Garcia request to get bent!
DI: What?
Rec: Sir rec request to get bent one last time by DI Sgt..........
DI: Fine! Get down do mountain climbers!
Di continues to do work at podium as rec bust out mountain climbers for quite a while. After several minutes, the unthinkable happens, rec Garcia just stops doing them and stands up.
DI: WHAT ARE YOU DOING REC? WHY DID YOU STOP?!!!!
Rec: Sir, this rec reached the top of the mountain!
With out missing a beat...
DI: Well, go back down!
Rec: aye aye sir!
We were all stunned and trying not to laugh at the same time.
After a couple minutes of mountain downers, rec stands again....
DI: What now rec?
Rec: Sir, this rec reached the bottom!
DI: get away rec!
That was some balls Garcia had.

Response by 2LT Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 2 at 2015 2:27 AM

2LT Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 02 Feb 2015 02:27:57 -0500

My senior DS favorite line was "you guys are a bunch of bitches"

Response by SFC Scott Crouch made Feb 2 at 2015 6:54 AM

SFC Scott Crouch — Mon, 02 Feb 2015 06:54:05 -0500

This may have been brought to your attention earlier, but you asked about a Drill Sergeant and you have a picture of a Drill Instructor, which are two very different animals!

Response by SPC Angel Guma made Feb 5 at 2015 11:49 AM

SPC Angel Guma — Thu, 05 Feb 2015 11:49:23 -0500

He asked one guy if he jizzed in his pants.

He also reminded people to piss straight while at the latrine. Attention to detail.

During wall locker inspections he would find random things and make insinuations about homosexuality. But laughing about it was not allowed.

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 5 at 2015 11:59 AM

SSG Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 05 Feb 2015 11:59:26 -0500

first day at Benning,
DS-whats your name and where you from private?
me- Pvt.Sanchez DS. I lived in Puerto Rico my first 13 yrs and Detroit the other 9.
DS-Your Mr. murder capitol huh? you keep your fucking pockets empty and inside out so i know your not carrying a knife you crazy MF'er

Response by SPC Eric Lopez made Feb 5 at 2015 1:08 PM

SPC Eric Lopez — Thu, 05 Feb 2015 13:08:12 -0500

Our female DS busted in the war room like "it smells like dirty cock in here!"

Response by PFC Chris Baker made Feb 5 at 2015 1:13 PM

PFC Chris Baker — Thu, 05 Feb 2015 13:13:41 -0500

Ft. Knox Drill Sgt. to sick call privates "does your pussy hurt?"

Response by SGT(P) Kenneth Jones made Feb 5 at 2015 1:15 PM

SGT(P) Kenneth Jones — Thu, 05 Feb 2015 13:15:15 -0500

When we were doing area beautification we ran out rakes so I found a branch that I could use as a rake the drill SGT came over and asked what the hell I was doing I told him improvising and so he yells out " hey battle come here this private says he is improvising" the other drill SGT says ya lets see so my drill SGT says ya lets see. So I raked a big pile of leaves infront of them both and the Sr drill SGT tells me good job on improvising and walked away. So I looked back at my drill SGT and started raking again and he grabbed it and broke it in half and said improvise with that and walked away

Response by CPL David Sassaman made Feb 5 at 2015 1:22 PM

CPL David Sassaman — Thu, 05 Feb 2015 13:22:30 -0500

"Raise your right hand. Now drop it down behind you. Now pull, Private. Pull your head out of your ass!" And yes he actually made us do it!

Response by SPC Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 5 at 2015 1:59 PM

SPC Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 05 Feb 2015 13:59:28 -0500

"You shut your mouth when you're talking to me!"

Response by CPL John Ruth made Feb 5 at 2015 3:05 PM

CPL John Ruth — Thu, 05 Feb 2015 15:05:23 -0500

Drill ask why my hands where in my pockets(had finished AIT,FT. Jackson S.C. 1982),I responded" you can take the boy out of the country, but you can't take the country out of the boy". He replied show me north country boy,I pointed north, he then says drop and give me 40,north,south ,east and west.lessoned learned, don't give SSG Williams(push up king,aka mighty mouse) the wrong answer!

Response by SPC Christopher Simpson made Feb 5 at 2015 3:31 PM

SPC Christopher Simpson — Thu, 05 Feb 2015 15:31:28 -0500

DS: "why are you smiling private?"
Private"because you're no worse than my mother DS"
DS walks away trying to hide his laughter

Response by SPC Dylan Torres made Feb 5 at 2015 4:16 PM

SPC Dylan Torres — Thu, 05 Feb 2015 16:16:41 -0500

Female soldier walks up to DS without battle buddy...
DS: "AAAAAH!" screaming hysterically
SOLDIER: "DS?! uhm"
DS: "AAAH RAPE RAPE"
SOLDIER: "...." (CONFUSED LOOK ON FACE...... LIGHT BULB TURNS ON)
ABOUT FACE.
DS: RETURNS TO OBSERVING PLUTOON CONDUCTING WEAPONS MAINTENANCE
SOLDIER: RETURNS WITH BATTLE BUDDY. "DS?"
DS: "Yes private?" calmly reply
Entire company explodes with laughter

Response by SPC Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 5 at 2015 4:33 PM

SPC Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 05 Feb 2015 16:33:53 -0500

Was the 2nd or 3rd day of Basic and the platoon is in the day room as the DS goes down the roster on his clipboard - presumably had our basic info on it. Giving each of us about 30 seconds to answer any questions he has. He gets to me and sees my GT score...

DS: Tousley! With a 121 GT score, what the fuck are you doing here and not OCS?

Me: (Without thinking) Drill Sergeant, I didn't know you had to be an idiot to be enlisted!"

DS: Fuckin' hooah!

Response by SPC Greg Burnett made Feb 5 at 2015 5:52 PM

SPC Greg Burnett — Thu, 05 Feb 2015 17:52:31 -0500

We had a guy that was constantly not wearing his helmet. One day while we were waiting for cattle trucks back to the company area he wandered off leaving his helmet lay. The drill sergeant picked it up and gave it to another trainee to hide. When the cattle trucks got there the guy of course couldn't find his helmet and was having an increasingly hard time hiding that fact from the drill. Finally, the drill yelled at him "If I could grunt and groan and squat and squint and sh1t you a helmet, I would, but I can't so you best be pulling one out of your own ass!"
Still giggle about that 26+ years later and have used modified versions of it myself.

Response by SPC Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 5 at 2015 7:43 PM

SPC Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 05 Feb 2015 19:43:34 -0500

During my BCT! DS stormed up during morning formation on the drill pad and yelled "Hey private, I know you're NOT talking at the position of SHUT THE F%×K UP," I swear I almost lost it during formation. The DS had the knife hand and everything in the soldier's face. It took everything out of me to try not to laugh.

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 5 at 2015 8:09 PM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 05 Feb 2015 20:09:38 -0500

My favorite DS line of all time,

"Private, you're more fucked up than ass cancer.... and that's just my personal opinion."

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 5 at 2015 9:52 PM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 05 Feb 2015 21:52:38 -0500

I was in Basic - we had a phantom sh*ter in (and I might have this wrong) I believe it was 3rd PLT - that was, there was someone using the bathroom #2 and not flushing. The Drill Sgts were going nuts trying to figure out who it was. The DS warned 3rd PLT that if the "problem" continued, they were going to make 3rd PLT pay.

Well, one morning, all the Drills rush us out of the Barracks into formation. 3rd PLT's phantom sh*ter struck again, failing to flush. The Senior Drill for the PLT lined 3rd up single file outside the stall, and out the bathroom down the hall.

The drill reaches into the commode, grabs a turd, and then turns to the first private in line - and tells him: "HOLD OUT YOUR HAND!" Private does as he's told, and Drill tells him "PASS IT DOWN THE LINE!"... He follows the turd as it gets passed down the line until it gets to the last private, and then yells at all the privates and says "EVERYONE BETTER SQUEEZE INTO THAT LATRINE!" and then he yells at the private till holding the turd: "PUT IT BACK IN THE TOILET". Then, finally he says "NOW FLUSH!"

Once the toilet is flushed, he allows all the privates to wash their hands and then has them reform up outside next to us. He comes out, and he says "UNLESS YOU WANT TO EAT A SH*T SANDWICH NEXT TIME, I SUGGEST YOU LEARN TO FLUSH AFTER USING THE BATHROOM!"

Needless to say, there was never an unflushed toilet or pisser - ever - in that Company, let alone that Platoon after that!

Response by SPC Greg Burnett made Feb 5 at 2015 10:02 PM

SPC Greg Burnett — Thu, 05 Feb 2015 22:02:49 -0500

We had one drill sergeant that would say "correct me if I'm right or wrong".
Not so "funny" I suppose but it always brought any other thoughts in my mind to a screeching halt while I contemplated it.

Response by SPC Rob Durling made Feb 6 at 2015 12:02 AM

SPC Rob Durling — Fri, 06 Feb 2015 00:02:50 -0500

Two events that I consider a tie: I served in the pre-Kevlar days, and all of us recruits liked to wear our steel-pots in the field without strapping them on. Our Drill, upon seeing several of us without our helmets strapped, yelled at us, "What are you, John Wayne or some shit!?!" We laughed ourselves hysterical even as he smoked us.
The second event was more personal, as I stood in formation after failing a PT test several weeks into basic:
Drill: "Who the fuck are you?"
Me: "Private Durling, Drill Sergeant!"
Drill: "Where the fuck did you come from?"
Me: "Third Squad, Drill Sergeant!"
Drill: "Jesus Christ, I guess I need to learn the names of some of you idiots!"

Response by SPC Mamoun Assad made Feb 6 at 2015 12:09 AM

SPC Mamoun Assad — Fri, 06 Feb 2015 00:09:09 -0500

(Look at me when I'm talking to you.) Said to a soldier who couldn't focus both eyes on anything and had 1/4" thick glasses.

Response by SPC James Pfost, Jr. made Feb 6 at 2015 12:45 AM

SPC James Pfost, Jr. — Fri, 06 Feb 2015 00:45:23 -0500

30 years ago, Ft. Sill OSUT:
Privates with asses in the air.
DS: What're you tryin' to do? F*** a buffalo?

Where you from private?
Texas Drill Sergeant
Texas? There's only 2 things that come from Texas. Steers & queers. Which one are you?

Response by SPC Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 6 at 2015 1:55 AM

SPC Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 06 Feb 2015 01:55:15 -0500

Something along the lines of the DS himself using teleportation and then proceeding to set souls on fire.

Response by SPC Kevin Beiers made Feb 6 at 2015 2:34 AM

SPC Kevin Beiers — Fri, 06 Feb 2015 02:34:03 -0500

I was at Ft. Sill. We had just got there on the cattle cars. Day 1. We just drank the 4 canteens of water. Then it's a mad dash to the bay. We drop and do push ups. I hear "Holy Shit Private Pile..." over my back shoulder, and I almost lose it. Turns out it was a Pvt. Powell, and he had just thrown up all over the bay floor. too much water and push up induced vomit. It was just that it sounded just like pvt. Pile when the DS was yelling at him, and I'm thinking on day 1, here we go, I'm stuck with pvt. Pile on day 1. This is gonna be a long ride.

Response by SPC Jayme Valet made Feb 6 at 2015 3:39 AM

SPC Jayme Valet — Fri, 06 Feb 2015 03:39:35 -0500

I Think a lot more KIDS From hi school Should GO TOO Military For Disapline actions from rich people!! KIDS HAVE NO RESPECT NOWDAYS!!

Response by 1SG Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 6 at 2015 9:40 AM

1SG Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 06 Feb 2015 09:40:12 -0500

DS: Who wants to meet the General?
Hands go up.
DS passes out general purpose cleaner!

Response by SFC Royce Williams made Feb 6 at 2015 10:02 AM

SFC Royce Williams — Fri, 06 Feb 2015 10:02:34 -0500

I have several that I have used and that were used on me it's hard to pick just one.
Private! You better start moving faster than a cheetah test driving a Lamborghini on exctasy!!!!

Response by PFC Aaron Knapp made Feb 6 at 2015 12:15 PM

PFC Aaron Knapp — Fri, 06 Feb 2015 12:15:43 -0500

"I used to be an E-6 but I hit an E-7 so it aint nothing for me to knock out an E-1...."
My 2nd DI Always just said.. "Push You" and I asked him to sign my "yearbook" they gave us at the end of Basic and he signed it "Push You" once everyone realized he would sign it for push ups everyone was pushing...cause even though he was tough everyone respected him the most...
Also the E-5 was a huge Redskins Fan and they went to the Superbowl that year. He came to PT decked out in Redskins gear (totally out of uniform) and in the last game of the season the Cowboys beat the Skins (Only game we won all year) I asked the DI who won and he said the cowboys...and then made me push for cheering...then said anyone else a Cowboys Fan? (There were 3 of us) but the whole company joined me in pushups saying "Cowboys" for every Pushup we did...very funny day at PT lol.

Response by PFC Aaron Knapp made Feb 6 at 2015 12:29 PM

PFC Aaron Knapp — Fri, 06 Feb 2015 12:29:17 -0500

My Mom came to see me graduate and when she landed at the Airport was bringing me a huge duffle of civvi's to take overseas to Germany. Instead of going and getting a car and heading to her hotel, she some how rode in on the recruits bus, had to be the funniest site ever...my 30 year old mother riding in with recruits, she said one guy was already crying before the bus got there lol, and the DI at the airport made a recruit carry m"my" bag lol, Mom gets off the bus as the DIs are yelling at the recruits disembarking at the Fort Knox "welcome center" (she had quite the trip got to see first hand what I went through) and she said she went into the building with the recruits and one guy sat at the DIs desk....so another DI saw him and saw the head DIs hat on the desk...so he told the Pvt he should try on the DIs Brown Round...and low and behold he did....That DI walked in and apparently said "Holy Shit you must think you are special???" Since your so special you set in my desk and wear my hat...first order of business is you can order everyone in here to "push"...and he did but DI made him stand there and count as his entire company did push ups for him...I have to imagine he was never very popular after that....I just to this day cant imagine my 5'3 Mom riding in on the recruits bus and going through all of that to see me graduate....too funny. She still tells the story today about the poor kid who put on the DIs hat...and shes all "even I knew that was going to turn out very badly for him"..

Response by CPL Brendan Hayes made Feb 6 at 2015 12:38 PM

CPL Brendan Hayes — Fri, 06 Feb 2015 12:38:37 -0500

Fort Sill OK, 1995.

DS: "Are you a D.I.C.K.?"
Me: "Drill Sergeant, No Drill Sergeant!"
DS: "You're not a Dedicated Individual Conditioned to Kill?"
Me: "Drill Sergeant, Yes Drill Sergeant!"
DS: "So you are a D.I.C.K?!"
Me: "Drill Sergeant, Yes Drill Sergeant!"
DS: "I thought so. You always looked like a D.I.C.K to me. This whole platoon is nothing but D.I.C.K.s. Now get down and beat your face! I want all you D.I.C.K.s to be hard. A soft D.I.C.K. isn't good for anything."

This was followed by stiffled laughter for easily a half an hour.

Response by PFC Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 6 at 2015 2:32 PM

PFC Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 06 Feb 2015 14:32:04 -0500

DS "Private, you need to learn how to breathe through your nostrils. Standing around with your mouth open sends the wrong signal."
PVT "Which signal is that Drill Sergeant?"
DS "It tells men that like men that your available Private. So unless you want to get slapped by a flying bag of penis by surprise shut your ****ing mouth"

Response by SGT(P) Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 6 at 2015 2:49 PM

SGT(P) Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 06 Feb 2015 14:49:24 -0500

1SG Private RallyPoint Member: Camacho! The Soldier's Creed!
Me: I am an American Soldier...
DS Mckelvey: Camacho! I need a translator for you!

DS: Camacho! Why are you holding your weapon "gangsta style"?! Start pushing!
Me: *starts pushing*
DS: I haven't see a single push up!
Me: 1 Drill Sergeant! 4 Drill Sergeant! 6 Drill Sergeant!!
DS: What the f@ck Camacho?! Do you know how to count?!
Me: I ran out of english Drill Sergeant!
DS: You ran out of WHAT?! YOU RAN OUT OF ENGLISH?! *breaks laughing* GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE CAMACHO!!

Response by SSG Christopher Parrish made Feb 6 at 2015 2:56 PM

SSG Christopher Parrish — Fri, 06 Feb 2015 14:56:50 -0500

We were getting briefed by our DS of things to do and not to do while in their World, etc. One of them told us that there would be some try to get out for various reasons because they think they made a mistake joining the Army. He then proceeded to tell us that if any one of us thought we could get out by saying we were gay, that we were welcome to come in the office and prove it.

This was obviously before the repeal of DADT.

Response by SPC Stephen Bartlett made Feb 6 at 2015 5:41 PM

SPC Stephen Bartlett — Fri, 06 Feb 2015 17:41:30 -0500

Ft. Eustis Va. Can't remember why everyone was all jacked up but the DS yelled Im going to give yall to the count of ten and yelled 8 9 10 I just had to laugh.

Response by SSG(P) Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 6 at 2015 9:47 PM

SSG(P) Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 06 Feb 2015 21:47:07 -0500

Who wants to beat Recruit LoGiudice's ASS? No kidding! To be fair, it was during a boxing exercise. Needless to say, a boxer from Chicago came forward...it wasn't pretty.

Response by SPC Joel Frye made Feb 7 at 2015 9:06 AM

SPC Joel Frye — Sat, 07 Feb 2015 09:06:13 -0500

My drill told me "We're all assholes! Some are just better at it!"

Response by LCpl Justin Farris made Feb 7 at 2015 3:25 PM

LCpl Justin Farris — Sat, 07 Feb 2015 15:25:54 -0500

While showing recruits how to set up our pup tents.
DI: Ok who has a E Tool to hammer this stake in with?
Recruit: "Uh, this recruit has a rock sir.."
DI: "Amazing, why don't you go ahead and hit yourself in the head with that rock"
Recruit: Aye, aye sir" and proceeds to hit himself in the side of the head with the rock.
DI: "Wow, you really are retarded aren't you?"
Recruit: "aye, aye sir"

Response by CPO Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 7 at 2015 4:24 PM

CPO Private RallyPoint Member — Sat, 07 Feb 2015 16:24:19 -0500

Why would you drink out of a bottle Private!? Don't you know you can get at least 3 good whacks out of a mug!

Response by SPC Matt Johnson made Feb 7 at 2015 4:34 PM

SPC Matt Johnson — Sat, 07 Feb 2015 16:34:22 -0500

on the last week of basic he left for the day and In a Southpark Cartman voice yelled "SCREW YOU ASSHOLES! I'M...GOIN...HOME" " RESPECT MY AUTHORITAH!"

Response by SPC Matt Johnson made Feb 7 at 2015 4:42 PM

SPC Matt Johnson — Sat, 07 Feb 2015 16:42:24 -0500

Shut your cock holster and beat your face! What the hell are you doing private?! Are you doing push ups or are you trying make love to a gopher hole?

Response by PV2 Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 7 at 2015 4:45 PM

PV2 Private RallyPoint Member — Sat, 07 Feb 2015 16:45:52 -0500

Private had his mouth open listening to a DS.
DS- "Private, why are you looking at me like I just finger banged your cat?"
Private- "Drill Sergeant my cat is dead."
DS- "Looks like yet another pussy couldn't handle me." Then he walks out laughing at his own joke.

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 7 at 2015 4:58 PM

SSG Private RallyPoint Member — Sat, 07 Feb 2015 16:58:34 -0500

Just hearing anyone be called a 'grab-ass' or hearing 'grab-assing' around.

"Get these damn barracks squared away and quit grab-assing around, prii !!

The mental image of guys 'playing grab-ass' was always funny to me. Still is, actually.

Response by Maj Fred Graham made Feb 7 at 2015 5:32 PM

Maj Fred Graham — Sat, 07 Feb 2015 17:32:49 -0500

Going thru tight meals in DFAC during basic (attention, one step forward, back to attention, then parade rest). A female drill instructor questioned the guy in front of me about the accuracy of his "parade rest" position. She was all up in his face and screamed, "Mister, is that 12 inches between your legs?"
We did really well to hold ourselves together. That is, right up to the point another drill instructor broke the strained silence by bursting into laughter. We all just came apart! Needless to say, we didn't get to eat lunch. But that afternoon of physical torture really brought us together as a team so it was worth every drop of sweat.

Response by SGT Greg Gold made Feb 7 at 2015 6:57 PM

SGT Greg Gold — Sat, 07 Feb 2015 18:57:32 -0500

When I was in infantry school my DS asked where my parents were from. My dad was from Brooklyn, but my mom is from Mississippi. Being from 'Old Miss himself, my DS then asked "what's a good southern gal doing marrying a dam yankee Jew?" I was at a loss for an explanation.

Response by SSG Scott Burk made Feb 7 at 2015 7:55 PM

SSG Scott Burk — Sat, 07 Feb 2015 19:55:10 -0500

My brother went in in 1978. One of the Platoons in his Company had a DS with the last name "Sir". He said it was always entertaining:
DS: "DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME PVT?!
PVT: "YES DRILL SGT SIR!
DS: "I AM NOT AN OFFICER...I WORK FOR A LIVING... DROP PVT"

I can see that SSG Sir had a good time with this.

Response by PFC Greg Mason made Feb 7 at 2015 10:24 PM

PFC Greg Mason — Sat, 07 Feb 2015 22:24:34 -0500

I remember at Ft. Jackson we were on night maneuvers on a starless night and I was first squad leader when I notice the camp sentry's off to the right as we are following the DS down the road....10 mins later I hear him tell the platoon leader he doesn't remember where the camp entrance was......I DT'd it up behind him and told him it was 10 mins to our rear... he said take point and circle around to the camp and don't say a GD word about this little FU to anyone ...he stayed off my butt the rest of basic!!!

Response by 1SG Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 7 at 2015 10:44 PM

1SG Private RallyPoint Member — Sat, 07 Feb 2015 22:44:33 -0500

DS: Private Poe! What state are you from?
Me: Drill Sergeant, Oklahoma Drill Sergeant!
DS: I hate Oklahoma, the weather is $%*@$ Bi-Polar! {As he throws my Kevlar a mile}
Now low crawl and retrieve your brain bucket!
Me: all the way out there?!!
DS: Private Poe, your a pocket full of stupid!!!!!

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 8 at 2015 12:43 AM

SSG Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 08 Feb 2015 00:43:45 -0500

We were in reception in 2005 and a DS walked up to a Pvt and asked him if he liked to suck "sticks."
The Pvt replied, "No DS!"
DS- "Why the hell not? Have you ever tried it?!"
Pvt.- "No DS!"
DS- "Pvt, how are you going to feel if you are on your death bed and you suck a "stick" for the first time and LOVE that shit? Think about it!"
That was one of my first interactions with a DS on Sand Hill. haha

Response by SPC Kenny Higgs made Feb 8 at 2015 4:50 AM

SPC Kenny Higgs — Sun, 08 Feb 2015 04:50:45 -0500

DS: Private, Where's your battle buddy?
Private's battle buddy: Here Drill Sergeant!
DS: Are you a good battle buddy?
Battle buddy: YES Drill Sergeant!
DS: A real battle buddy would go into town and buy 2 Blow jobs and bring ya back one!

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 8 at 2015 6:04 AM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 08 Feb 2015 06:04:49 -0500

Way back at Ft Sill doing OSUT I was at the Chow Hall line and DS Davis was doing the head count.

DS: Last Four( SS#)
ME: FOUR, ONE, EIGHT, TWO (with a strong Spanish accent)
DS: What the F...?, Last Four again
ME: FOUR, ONE, EIGHT, TWO
DS: What the hell, Who the F... is Juan. (Silence for a few seconds)
DS: Just go in...

After a few days of the same as soon I was on the Chow Hall line waiting, once it was my turn for last four he was like go in.

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 8 at 2015 10:33 AM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 08 Feb 2015 10:33:29 -0500

During at the PT test. After 10 seconds.
DS: What's wrong with you dipsh!t?
Soldier: I can't push anymore.
DS: What did you eat yesterday?
Soldier: Some cake, pies, frozen yogurt( fat boy voice).
DS: Didn't I tell yall bout eating that sh#t? Get yo fat a$$ up and run around the track you big a$$ house.

Response by SPC Chez (Chris) Chesak made Feb 8 at 2015 11:19 AM

SPC Chez (Chris) Chesak — Sun, 08 Feb 2015 11:19:17 -0500

DS: Private, I need you to get me something from the conex!
PV2 takes off running, gets to the conexes, then runs back and says, Which conex Drill Sergeant?!?!?
DS: The blue one private!
PV2 takes off running, gets back to the conexes, realizes there are four blue conex boxes. Runs back and asks, Which blue conex Drill Sergeant?!?!?
DS: The blue one on the end, private!
PV2 takes off again, gets to the blue one on the end, sees it's locked. He runs back and says, It's locked Drill Sergeant!!!
DS hands him a huge ring of keys and says, Take the keys Private!
PV2 runs to the conex, realizes that he doesn't know what key opens the lock...
And this goes on and on for about 20 minutes, until the conex is open, the PV2 still hasn't asked WHAT to get, etc. etc. etc.
Riot.

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 8 at 2015 2:00 PM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 08 Feb 2015 14:00:41 -0500

Fort Sill BCT, it's week 2 and we have just started to get comfortable when you know that the DS aren't in the room. We are on a bathroom break and we had a recycle in our platoon. He decided that since he's already gone through 7 weeks of BCT he can do what he wants. He's "figured out the system" he wold us all the time. So he thinks that the not speaking in the halls and in the latrine rules don't apply to him. Another Platoon's DS hears him talking and puts him in the front leaning rest there on the latrine floor. As the DS is going on and on about things soldiers are still using the latrine. One washes his hands and as he walks by water drips from his hands and onto the private. Without missing a beat the DS stops his line of thought and says. "Now look at you gettin pissed on in the front leaning rest..." I had to move quickly from the latrine so that I could smile a little bit.

Response by SrA Marc Haynes made Feb 8 at 2015 2:57 PM

SrA Marc Haynes — Sun, 08 Feb 2015 14:57:20 -0500

I made the mistake to call a female NCO drill Sargent sir. How do you think that went over

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 8 at 2015 3:02 PM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 08 Feb 2015 15:02:32 -0500

DS "you're already at attention! There is no super attention, stop trying to go to attention again!"

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 8 at 2015 3:27 PM

SSG Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 08 Feb 2015 15:27:03 -0500

AIT@Fort Gordon, 2007. DS Irvin had us in PT formation and another company was approaching, doing their company run.
DS Irvin:"Company...about face!" "The hamstring stretch, standing!" "MOVE!"
He then proceeded to yell at the passing company, in a most sincere, kind and inviting voice, "GOOD MORNING [I think it was D company] Delta COMPANY!! Hope you are enjoying your PT this morning..." And was kindly waiving to them while we were all behind him with our asses in the air like we were mooning them.
We were all giggling. Those DSs were some of the funniest guys/gals I have ever met.

Response by MSgt Rob Weston made Feb 8 at 2015 11:44 PM

MSgt Rob Weston — Sun, 08 Feb 2015 23:44:08 -0500

Female MTI back in 93 to a young Air Force recruit. Just for background this guy was not up to par and always effing up. "Why the hell are you smiling, are we F$&king!!!" She had to stop and leave the bays as you can hear snickering through the whole area. As for airman dumba$$, he was released for failure to adapt.

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 8 at 2015 11:53 PM

SSG Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 08 Feb 2015 23:53:42 -0500

While at PI we had to go through swim qual.. Out of our platoon 5 women had failed swim qual and they all were African Americans, our Senior DI also was African American and she comes out and has the five girls line up at the end of the squad bay where she starts to barate them, finally she says: " well I bet if we had a plate of fried chicken and watermelon at the other end you all would have made it!"

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 9 at 2015 12:37 AM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 09 Feb 2015 00:37:38 -0500

Close your damn mouth Private... It looks like a hen house waiting for a cock to fly in.

Response by A1C Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 9 at 2015 1:00 AM

A1C Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 09 Feb 2015 01:00:11 -0500

MTI "Is that what you call parade rest, trainee?"

Trainee "Yes sir"

MTI "I don't care what your girlfriend told ya but that isn't twelve inches."

Response by SGM Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 9 at 2015 1:45 AM

SGM Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 09 Feb 2015 01:45:31 -0500

Gotta bust my brother out on this one.
DS: "Private, you've got 30 seconds to get some Kiwi on those boots". My brother busts tail upstairs and opening his can of Kiwi, slaps it across the toes of both boots and busts it back down to formation.
DS: "Private, I thought I told you to get some Kiwi on those boots".
Brother: "Drill Sergeant, I did Drill Sergeant".
DS: "What the hell do you call that?" pointing to the clumps of Kiwi on the toes of his boots.
Brother: "You didn't say anything about polishing them Drill Sergeant".

Response by LTC Stephen C. made Feb 9 at 2015 10:34 PM

LTC Stephen C. — Mon, 09 Feb 2015 22:34:58 -0500

SPC Private RallyPoint Member, I was at Fort Jackson (Tank Hill), SC for basic training from November 1969 to January 1970 (we had leave for Christmas). Wintertime in the south means cold weather with lots of rain. We were in final formation for the day and headed to the M-16 range the following morning. A naive trainee (not me) actually asked the Senior Field Leader what would happen if it rained. SFC Freddie Lockwood responded with the oft quoted Army maxim, "Son, it don't rain in the Army!" Sure enough, it rained cats and dogs all the next day! In fact, it rained so hard that the rain beat the food out of our mess kits more quickly than we could eat! SGT Jerrold Pesz PO3 Phyllis Maynard

Response by PO1 Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 10 at 2015 8:11 AM

PO1 Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 10 Feb 2015 08:11:51 -0500

Recruit Division Commander (RDC or DS to Army) was inspecting the folded tee shirts of all recruits. The way they told us to remember how to do it was "Here we put the fat girls between the sheets". This one kid folded it backwards so that the fatter folds were on the outside and the skinnier folds were on the inside.
Recruit: "Ready for inspection Petty Officer!"
RDC: "G**D*** it recruit, Do you like F***ing Fat chicks?"
Recruit: (no hesitation) "Yes Petty Officer, on occasion I do!"
RDC: (laughs with most of the division) "Well, while you are here on vacation, you will hide those B****es between the sheets! Is that understood?"
Recruit: "Aye, Petty Officer"

Response by LT Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 10 at 2015 9:15 AM

LT Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 10 Feb 2015 09:15:23 -0500

"They got flavored windex where you're from? Because you're the dumbest window licker I've ever seen"

Response by SPC Larry Buck made Feb 10 at 2015 4:50 PM

SPC Larry Buck — Tue, 10 Feb 2015 16:50:22 -0500

Of course, the tried and true...
"Go suck a fat baby's d***!" Said that to someone the other day they never did return greetings.... Pricks !

Response by SFC David Cotton made Feb 10 at 2015 9:10 PM

SFC David Cotton — Tue, 10 Feb 2015 21:10:41 -0500

They let me out of the Funny Farm to come and train you Retards.....

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 10 at 2015 9:50 PM

SSG Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 10 Feb 2015 21:50:56 -0500

I am giving a class on the M16
Me: PVT. Give me a magazine
PVT DS I don't think magazine Will work
ME: why won't it work Pvt
PVT: it is a Christian Magazine
ME: really PVT just start pushing

Response by CPL Walter Drumm made Feb 10 at 2015 10:08 PM

CPL Walter Drumm — Tue, 10 Feb 2015 22:08:59 -0500

A drill looked a dumbassed private and said:
"200 million sperm and you're the one that made it?" He then slowly shook his head and walked away.

Response by SPC Dennis Manning made Feb 10 at 2015 10:52 PM

SPC Dennis Manning — Tue, 10 Feb 2015 22:52:01 -0500

During basic, they had us crawling through the "pit" for talking while in formation. Several privates looked up at the DS to see if they could get out of doing it because it was getting dark and maybe they would escape notice. The DS yelled, "Don't look up at me boy! I'll take this flashlight and shove it up your @$$ and make you glow in the dark!"

Response by 1LT Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 10 at 2015 11:19 PM

1LT Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 10 Feb 2015 23:19:55 -0500

So I was an executive officer of a basic training company at Fort Jackson. I inspect the bay area at 0200 with some Drill Sergeants. A PVT calls the Drill Sergeant "Ma'am", and I yell, "DO NOT CALL HER MA'AM, SHE WORKS FOR A LIVING! The Drills were laughing afterwards but the Privates didn't understand the joke at the time.

Response by SGT Walter Kiefer made Feb 11 at 2015 1:37 AM

SGT Walter Kiefer — Wed, 11 Feb 2015 01:37:17 -0500

First week of BCT or so one of the privates tripped on his own boot laces (obviously they weren't properly bloused and tucked) DS saw it, laughed, and said "If you went down any faster you'd have to join the Navy"
That same private came out for PT with his shirt on backwards later that day, the DS:
Boy, if you were any dumber we would have to water you"

Response by SFC Stillman G. made Feb 11 at 2015 2:16 AM

SFC Stillman G. — Wed, 11 Feb 2015 02:16:52 -0500

We just got a new batch of 'cruits, and I had them in formation doing roll call. As I got into the C's I had to stop, and look twice to make sure I read the name right. Just as I was getting ready to call the name, the PVT spoke up saying " That is how it pronounced DS". I looked up and told HER to go ahead and say it. She replied " It's PVT Cooter, DS". Didn't chuckle, but did shake my head.

Response by SFC Stillman G. made Feb 11 at 2015 2:18 AM

SFC Stillman G. — Wed, 11 Feb 2015 02:18:56 -0500

Used to tell Soldier "You look like a soup sandwich" or "ate up like a soup sandwich".

Response by SPC Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 11 at 2015 11:03 AM

SPC Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 11 Feb 2015 11:03:12 -0500

Private I will take your skull crush it an use it at my first norms sons birthday now push!

Response by SPC Lukas Jones made Feb 11 at 2015 11:18 AM

SPC Lukas Jones — Wed, 11 Feb 2015 11:18:39 -0500

Female DS: PVT. Joe Snuffy Post!

PVT: Coming Drill Sargeant!

Female DS: You better not be coming!!!

Response by Sgt Edwin Acosta made Feb 11 at 2015 12:45 PM

Sgt Edwin Acosta — Wed, 11 Feb 2015 12:45:46 -0500

During a locker inspection, there was a trainee that did not have his locker inspection ready. Here is how the conversation went (one-sided of course).
TI to trainee: "Repeat after me. Do, You, Want, Fries, With, That."
Trainee repeats after the TI
TI to trainee: "That is what you will say if you can't get your shit together".

Response by SSG Joseph Decker made Feb 11 at 2015 1:16 PM

SSG Joseph Decker — Wed, 11 Feb 2015 13:16:26 -0500

DS: Decker
Me: YES DRILL SGT!
DS: It's a damn good thing you can do pushups, cause you can can't shoot worth a fuck

Response by SGT Sean Whitenton made Feb 11 at 2015 1:26 PM

SGT Sean Whitenton — Wed, 11 Feb 2015 13:26:26 -0500

Hit Parris Island about a week after my eighteenth birthday- having never seen the movie An Officer and a Gentleman.

DI: Boy, why you starin' at me? Get your eyeball offa me or I'll rip out your eye and skullfuck you to death.

I just kinda got perplexed trying to figure out the logistics of that assault. First time I heard that one- didn't even realize it was pretty much a stock line.

Response by SPC Mark Bieniek made Feb 11 at 2015 1:36 PM

SPC Mark Bieniek — Wed, 11 Feb 2015 13:36:40 -0500

Basic and AIT were pretty much smooth sailing... but I remember my first time on the motor pool line at my permanent duty station Ft Huachuca, AZ. They sent me down to the garage to get a few items... me being brand new and all I was ready and willing... wrote everything down... ran to the garage and handed it the first person I saw a SPC... he looked at my list and started laughing...

BA 1100 Ns
PCM grease
a box of ground guides

I always thought I was smart enough to fall for that type of practical joke but I was wrong...

Response by SSG Christopher K. made Feb 11 at 2015 2:02 PM

SSG Christopher K. — Wed, 11 Feb 2015 14:02:13 -0500

Whenever anyone went up to DS Washington and said "DS I Heard" he would cut you off right there look you in the eye and tell you to "Stick a D%^$ in your ear and F what you heard"

Never failed laughed every time.

Response by SSG Daniel Fitzgerald made Feb 11 at 2015 2:03 PM

SSG Daniel Fitzgerald — Wed, 11 Feb 2015 14:03:14 -0500

I was at Fort Knox for BCT and we had just picked up initial issue. We were now going to be marched to our training Companies. 180 new recruits line up in platoons. Senior Drill yells out the command, right face. 179 recruits turn right, I turn left! One of my platoon drills comes up to me and is right in my face...whispers, umm is something wrong with this picture? Yes Drill Sergeant! Are you one of those college graduates? Yes Drill Sergeant! Now screaming the Drill yells, Why then don't you know your f..cking left from right? You must be an officer candidate (I was). Weeks later BCT testing phase. NBC test (ass to the blast) 50 man platoon all facing the right way. I look left and right and see nothing but feet....same drill, same approach, whispering ..um is something wrong with this picture? Yes Drill Sergeant! He laughed and said I'll probably be a General some day and left me alone.

Response by CPT Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 11 at 2015 2:07 PM

CPT Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 11 Feb 2015 14:07:31 -0500

I swear to god privates, If any you so much as snicker at me, I'll jump over your wall locker in the middle of the night and Jesus kick you in the f**king throat!

I also got the watchdesk thrown at me hulk-style.

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 11 at 2015 2:09 PM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 11 Feb 2015 14:09:12 -0500

Fort Sill Oklahooma 1998.

Privates are talking at one of the training courses.

DS: Private you are going to see me perform an act of god! (Pause to silence)
DS(continues): I am about to levitate of this ground and land on top of your head.

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 11 at 2015 3:43 PM

SSG Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 11 Feb 2015 15:43:52 -0500

DS saw buddy talking in mess hall, told him your done stand up and get out. As there was a piece of cake on his tray, I quickly reached over moved it to mine before he left the table. DS who was sitting several tables over, walked over behind me and leaned in and said" I saw what you did, that was cold, you took that food right off his tray, you a cold man, pvt. But that's ok, you are a survivor!

Response by SPC Kevin Brown made Feb 11 at 2015 5:07 PM

SPC Kevin Brown — Wed, 11 Feb 2015 17:07:27 -0500

DS: YOU THINK YOUR A BADASS?
SM: NO DRILL SGT!!
DS: THEN YOU MUST BE A HARD ASS. YOU THINK YOUR HARD?
SM: YES DRILL SGT!!!!
DS: MOTHAF*CKA YOUR ABOUT AS HARD AS A FLUFFY PILLOW!!!!

Response by Sgt Cord Nuoffer made Feb 11 at 2015 5:44 PM

Sgt Cord Nuoffer — Wed, 11 Feb 2015 17:44:14 -0500

Going to boot camp at MCRD San Diego, the base sits right next to the runway for Linbergh Field (Airport in San Diego), we were waiting for the next portion of the final PFT, just after the run, and up comes a Drill Instructor from another platoon, leans down into my face and says;
– “See that airport! communist influence built that airport!”

Response by PO3 Bien Resolme made Feb 11 at 2015 6:37 PM

PO3 Bien Resolme — Wed, 11 Feb 2015 18:37:20 -0500

First day of boot camp and the Recruit Division Commander (RDC) was introducing himself to my division.

RDC: Do any of you have a problem with profanity?
Recruit: (timidly raises his hand)
RDC: Okay, is that because of religious reasons?
Recruit: Yes, Petty Officer.
RDC: Too F**king bad! God makes exceptions for sailors!

He never stopped cursing and yelling from that point on.

Response by CPT Michael Sutton made Feb 11 at 2015 6:51 PM

CPT Michael Sutton — Wed, 11 Feb 2015 18:51:54 -0500

SFC Rex Courtwright at Fort Knox to me. Anybody ever tell you look like Frankie S. Me Frank Sinatra Drill SGT. Him "Frankie Stien".

Response by A1C Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 11 at 2015 7:06 PM

A1C Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 11 Feb 2015 19:06:17 -0500

DS: "your suppose to be marching! not running around like kermit the frog!"

Response by PO3 Anthony Rodriguez made Feb 11 at 2015 7:50 PM

PO3 Anthony Rodriguez — Wed, 11 Feb 2015 19:50:43 -0500

Master Chief Arthur U.S.S SEATTLE told me "Son you better off trying to stick a barb wire brush in a bobcats ass in a phone booth then mess with me!" In his southern backwoods accent. Saltiest man I ever met

Response by SSG Loren Green made Feb 11 at 2015 7:51 PM

SSG Loren Green — Wed, 11 Feb 2015 19:51:47 -0500

first day off the cattle trucks being rushed to our platoons and a private pukes in some bushes near him.
DS: WHY IN THE F$#K ARE YOU PUKING IN MY BUSHES. GET THE F#$K OUT MY SUN.

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 11 at 2015 8:41 PM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 11 Feb 2015 20:41:11 -0500

We had to practice our Heat Cat drills, where some unlucky soul would "volunteer" to have his uniformed striped off and then be covered in ice cold sheets.
Lets call this unlucky volunteer 'George'.
DS: "George! Hows it feel to be a grown man with a baby's dick?!

Response by SPC Tracey Stinson made Feb 11 at 2015 8:49 PM

SPC Tracey Stinson — Wed, 11 Feb 2015 20:49:45 -0500

"You think you're slick, but you need greasing!"

Response by Sgt Diane Ferguson made Feb 11 at 2015 9:24 PM

Sgt Diane Ferguson — Wed, 11 Feb 2015 21:24:52 -0500

(when in formation to march/drill)

DS: Hey Scotty, (me and a bit well endowed)
You line up by your shoulders, not your boobs!

Response by PFC John Parker made Feb 11 at 2015 9:38 PM

PFC John Parker — Wed, 11 Feb 2015 21:38:52 -0500

We had this kid from Indiana in our company nick-named "Superman." Our DS had him do push-ups while singing the cadence "I'm ate up, I'm ate up, I'm ate the fuck up." The guy literally did 200 push-ups before our DS was satisfied. Everyone was just in awe.

Response by PV2 Conner Patt made Feb 11 at 2015 10:01 PM

PV2 Conner Patt — Wed, 11 Feb 2015 22:01:13 -0500

B 787 late summer 2012. One of our Drill Sergeants saw my battle buddy puke up his food after eating in the DFAC. He walked over, asked if the private was gonna finish that, and then ate a single kernel of corn out of the vomit. He also once asked me if I wanted to fuck his wife and would show up out of nowhere to scream "WHERE'S RACHEL!?!"

Response by AN Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 11 at 2015 10:21 PM

AN Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 11 Feb 2015 22:21:06 -0500

DID I TELL YOU TO TALK RECRUIT?

DID I TELL YOU TO ANSWER ME?

THE ONLY TIME YOU HAVE PERMISSION TO SPEAK UNTILL I TELL YOU OTHERWISE IS IF A MAGICAL F-ING LEPRECHAUN TROTS IN HERE AND STARTS F-ING A UNICORN!....

i always like that chief...

Response by 1stSgt Robert Keown made Feb 11 at 2015 10:46 PM

1stSgt Robert Keown — Wed, 11 Feb 2015 22:46:57 -0500

Heading to the parade grounds for pass and review... Crossing over a bridge a female flight cuts us off at the intersection and makes him wait. When we resume the march...

TI: Guidon... Follow that smell!

Response by CPL Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 12 at 2015 12:00 AM

CPL Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 12 Feb 2015 00:00:40 -0500

So there I was moments

Response by CPL Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 12 at 2015 12:02 AM

CPL Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 12 Feb 2015 00:02:39 -0500

You are a sorry excuse for a son if I was your daddy I would have pulled out of your mom and nut on the towel hahahahahahahaha super funny to me (glad it wasn't me)

Response by SGT Paul Smith made Feb 12 at 2015 3:56 AM

SGT Paul Smith — Thu, 12 Feb 2015 03:56:13 -0500

What's the matter, private...you eat a bowl of stupid for breakfast this morning?
DS- Aki
*Myself and another guy were caught off guard by the DS's comment, which was directed at another soldier near us, and let out enough of a laugh to offend the DS and find ourselves in the front-lean & rest within minutes of meeting our DSs for the first time. (Great start, buddy)

Response by SSG Jeffrey Spencer made Feb 12 at 2015 8:20 AM

SSG Jeffrey Spencer — Thu, 12 Feb 2015 08:20:43 -0500

In formation, we sounded off like never before. The DI stopped dead in his tracks and yelled, "That makes my dick hard. Hard as woodpecker lips!" We were all laughing inside but did not dare get out of step or stop sounding off.

Response by CPT Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 12 at 2015 9:10 AM

CPT Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 12 Feb 2015 09:10:10 -0500

I've got two (I'm sure there are more, but that was a long time ago...) One what they did, and one thing I heard.

First, a little background: I went to Fort Sill, and our drills were either Infantry or Artillery. Nothing else. Including the Reserve DS that showed up every two weeks.

On bayonet day, they had us in the sand pit for some "remedial individual movement drills". At one point, they told us if we could answer one question right, we could stop. The Infantry drills asked us why is the sky blue. We were supposed to answer "BECAUSE GOD LOVES THE INFANTRY!!!" Which would bring the Artillery drills out from where ever they were hiding for a little "retraining." Then they would ask us the same question, and we were supposed to respond, "BECAUSE GOD HATES THE INFANTRY!!!" Which would bring the Infantry drills running to start the whole thing over again, and they continued this ad infinitum.

The second one I've got -- we were loading cattle cars for transport somewhere, and we really were packed in like sardines. One private turned to the DS and said "Drill Sergeant, there is no more room." The DS responded without missing a beat, "The capacity of any military vehicle is one more. Get your ass in there private, I DON'T CARE HOW"

Response by Cpl Peter Martuneac made Feb 12 at 2015 10:01 AM

Cpl Peter Martuneac — Thu, 12 Feb 2015 10:01:07 -0500

Long story, but worth the read. Probably my favorite DI story is when I was on firewatch one night (sometime during 3rd phase) with another recruit (we'll call him "Smith"). The DI came in and was giving me some instructions to pass onto the next firewatch when recruit Smith comes along. This particular DI had for some reason always picked on Smith, so the following ensues:

DI: Well Smith, let's see it.
Smith: See what, sir?
DI: Your list. I wanna see your list.
Smith: This recruit does not understand what list the Drill Instructor is asking for, sir.
DI: The list you make every night of ways you're gonna f**k me tomorrow! There's no way the stupid sh*t you do is accidental, so obviously you plan it ahead of time! So I want to see your list, that way I can prepare myself mentally for your bullsh*t and not have to lose my mind!

The DI then proceeded to make Smith right out a list of things he would do wrong tomorrow:
DI: *reading the list* Not get on line on time, that figures. IP's on uniform, wouldn't be a good day if you didn't have IP's, right? F**k up on drill, classic Smith. Very well, carry on.

Response by SPC Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 12 at 2015 10:01 AM

SPC Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 12 Feb 2015 10:01:29 -0500

DS- "Grape juice will turn your s*** green." Needless to say, my curiosity upon arriving home got the best of me. He was right.

Response by PFC Sean McCamey made Feb 12 at 2015 10:09 AM

PFC Sean McCamey — Thu, 12 Feb 2015 10:09:40 -0500

The funniest thing my Drill Sergeant said was funny but it was all in the timing.

"Privates, I have some good news and bad news. The good news is I am the last one to sit down and eat breakfast."

*short pause*

"The bad news is I'm almost finished."

That morning in BCT sucked because we were a little behind to get to the rifle range lol.

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 12 at 2015 11:02 AM

SSG Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 12 Feb 2015 11:02:10 -0500

At the PX during reception a trainee asks the DS whether we behold buy jockstraps. DS yells at him "jockstraps are for pussies!" No idea why jockstraps are for pussies but I cracked up. So random.

Response by SFC Michael Bush made Feb 12 at 2015 11:48 AM

SFC Michael Bush — Thu, 12 Feb 2015 11:48:07 -0500

DS: "Why are you moving private?"
Private: "I don't know DS."
DS: "When you are at the position of attention you don't move! I don't care if a herd of butterflies fly up your ass and flutter around in your belly, you don't move!"

I broke out laughing which led to the inevitable "are you laughing at me?" smoke session.

Another was when the 1SG came out and confronted a Private with the following:
1SG: "Private Johnson, when I say Johnson you said sh%$head; when I say McCain you say 1SG, got it?"

Of course it wasn't long before the poor private called the 1SG a sh%$head.

Response by CPT Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 12 at 2015 12:24 PM

CPT Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 12 Feb 2015 12:24:05 -0500

We had a mean SSG (female) and she would walk by us in PT Formation and run her middle finger through her hair and say "morning Bonecrushers" Mean but very protective of her platoon

Response by PFC Hollis J. Hamilton made Feb 12 at 2015 12:31 PM

PFC Hollis J. Hamilton — Thu, 12 Feb 2015 12:31:16 -0500

in basic my DS ask private why is your ass in up air doing one of my push ups of course private said don't know DS, DS said you look like your Fucking a basketball.

Response by PFC Matthew Couch made Feb 12 at 2015 12:42 PM

PFC Matthew Couch — Thu, 12 Feb 2015 12:42:20 -0500

At Jackson, one of my Drill Sergeants really hated that he was on the Trail. He was an Artillery MOS with 82nd on his arm...he just wanted to go down-range again. Well about halfway through the cycle, he got news that he was going. Never really seen him smile before that day.

Anyway, it's his last day on post and we're all called into the bay to toe the line. We assume that we has going to give us some parting words of wisdom, maybe some well wishes...we were all pretty cool at that point.

Instead, he walks in, bags in his arms, and stares at us from his place up front. He drops his bags and opens his mouth like he's going to talk. Instead, he takes off his round brown, throws it across the room, pulls his red beret out of his pocket, puts it on, grabs his bags, and exits the bay. For some reason, that always stood out in my memory as much as any great lessons we might have learned.

Response by PO3 William Andrews made Feb 12 at 2015 12:59 PM

PO3 William Andrews — Thu, 12 Feb 2015 12:59:18 -0500

I was in Coast Guard boot camp in 1997, one of my favorite was if you responded to a question without facing the CC.

CC: Who are you Ace Ventura?
Recruit: Sir?
CC: Because your talking out of your ass!!

LOL

Response by SSgt Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 12 at 2015 1:09 PM

SSgt Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 12 Feb 2015 13:09:39 -0500

I was in a band flight so our MTIs dropped us off to other MTIs who solely conducted band parades. Band practice didn't go so well one day because we couldn't get the national anthem right. The band instructor said to us, "last time I checked, we are the BMT Drum and Bugle Corps, NOT Kelly and Michelle from Destiny's Child! GET IT RIGHT!" *deep sigh* "pull up music for Stars and Stripes..."

Response by SPC Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 12 at 2015 1:24 PM

SPC Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 12 Feb 2015 13:24:47 -0500

I had a DS who liked to play with knives while talking to us. One day we were in classroom formation and he was talking about something can't remember what and then he just stops and stares at me.
DS: You eyeballing me?
Me: No DS
DS: I will f*cking stab you!

From then on we would have impromptu staring competitions... which all ways ended with me in the front leaning rest

Response by SGT Greg McHenry made Feb 12 at 2015 1:34 PM

SGT Greg McHenry — Thu, 12 Feb 2015 13:34:56 -0500

1991 Fort Knox. DS Lee says he seen several shi**y looking boots, so we're going to have boot inspection. He opens ranks and starts walking down the line.

I'm in 3rd squad, and a guy in 2nd squad named Vieregge (sic (pronounced VEER-EGG-EE)) was in front of me.

So, my boots were already stepped on twice while marching that morning, and I worried about them being scuffed. So I try casually to look down and check my boots.

DS Lee saw me and very easily and casually says "Mr. McHenry, you're standing at attention. That means chin up and eyes forward. So, why don't you quit checking out Mr. Vieregge's a$$ and get your chin up and eyes forward?".

Embarrassed me almost to death. You're all familiar with the snorting/choking sound of 50 guys giving everything they have not to laugh...I think my platoon mates burst a few blood vessels keeping it in.

Response by SGT Bryan Gitschlag made Feb 12 at 2015 2:43 PM

SGT Bryan Gitschlag — Thu, 12 Feb 2015 14:43:49 -0500

I can't decide between two favorites:

DS: "You privates had 30 minutes to eat, go upstairs, shower, shave, put on a clean uniform, and get back down here in formation. You failed. In 30 minutes, I can shower, shave, take a sh*t, eat breakfast,...and run five miles."

And

DS: "Where's your battle buddy, private? You don't know, do you? No, you don't, because he's F**KING you."

Response by SFC Jason Wryn made Feb 12 at 2015 3:06 PM

SFC Jason Wryn — Thu, 12 Feb 2015 15:06:57 -0500

Fort Leonard Wood, MO. Army basic training, had to be around 2004. We were doing either combatives or pugil training.

PVT: DS, do you have any scissors?
DS: What the hell do you need scissors for crack head?
PVT: DS, when I put my mouthpiece in, it makes me gag.
DS: (without missing a beat) Relax your throat Private, you know the drill.

She didn't understand what the DS meant. The whole PLT died laughing except her. Did I mention, the PVT was a female and blonde?

Response by SFC Jason Wryn made Feb 12 at 2015 3:09 PM

SFC Jason Wryn — Thu, 12 Feb 2015 15:09:12 -0500

Response by SPC Paul Rogers made Feb 12 at 2015 3:10 PM

SPC Paul Rogers — Thu, 12 Feb 2015 15:10:50 -0500

DS: Get over here private!
Private: Coming Drill Sergeant
DS: I don't want to know your personal business!

Response by SPC Paul Rogers made Feb 12 at 2015 3:22 PM

SPC Paul Rogers — Thu, 12 Feb 2015 15:22:21 -0500

DS: Get over here private!
Private: Coming Drill Sergeant!
DS: I don't want to know your damn personal business!

Response by SPC Kathleen Clark made Feb 12 at 2015 3:31 PM

SPC Kathleen Clark — Thu, 12 Feb 2015 15:31:44 -0500

Ha. I wish I had the razor sharp memory some of you all have and could remember those zingers. I would love to use some of them on my bus route kids right now!!!

Shortly after hand to hand combat training during basic our DS went down the chow hall line asking if we thought we could "take him". Everyone answered "No DS," except for me. I proclaimed a loud, "Yes DS!"

"That's what I am looking for! Private Malone, you can have a piece of cake!"

What a treat!

Response by SFC Jason Wryn made Feb 12 at 2015 3:39 PM

SFC Jason Wryn — Thu, 12 Feb 2015 15:39:06 -0500

We were doing either pugils or combatives. This was sometime in 2003 I think on Fort Leonard Wood.

PVT: DS, do you have any scissors?
DS: What the hell do you need scissors for crackhead?
PVT: When I put my mouthpiece in, it makes me gag.
DS: (without missing a beat) Relax your throat Private, you know the drill.

The whole Platoon busted out laughing. SHE stood there totally confused.

Response by PFC Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 12 at 2015 4:02 PM

PFC Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 12 Feb 2015 16:02:17 -0500

When I was in my AIT portion of basic training I recall our drill sergeants were a little more lax with us, one decided to even tell a joke;
DS "PVT SO-AND-SO"
PVT "YES DRILL SERGEANT!"
DS "If you went camping, got messed up drunk and woke up with a condom in your butt, would you tell anyone?"
PVT "........ ummmm no? drill sergeant?"
My drill sergeant would smile and say "Wanna go camping pvt?"
lmao

Response by Sgt Ron Gallagher made Feb 12 at 2015 4:04 PM

Sgt Ron Gallagher — Thu, 12 Feb 2015 16:04:26 -0500

We were nearing the end of Basic Training at Lackland and there was one recruit who must have been told 20 times or more that the proper response to a yes or no question was either YES or NO, and not yeah or unhuh. So the entire flight had just received their dress blues, and the TI asked if we all knew how to tie a tie. About 50% did not, so he proceeded to provide instruction and then had us all give it a try. We were all gathered around the TI in a big group. This same recruit was struggling and the TI asked him specifically if he had tied a tie before. He responded with "Yeah, but..." and then he stopped because he caught what he had said. The room got really quiet, and the TI says, "I want to to go into the latrine, into the first stall, and tell me when you are in there." So, the recruit went into the bathroom, and yells out, "I am in here Sgt." The TI looks at all of us who were wondering WTF he was doing and he puts his finger to his lips to get us to be silent. He then tells the recruit, "OK. Now put your head in the toilet bowl, scream "Yeah" as loud as you can, and then flush that shit down the drain!" We all started to bust up, and the TI immediately hushed us again. The next sound we heard was a hollowed-out, echoing, "Yeah" following by a distinct flush. We completely fell out at that point, laughing till we cried, including the TI!

Response by SGT John Marecki made Feb 12 at 2015 4:26 PM

SGT John Marecki — Thu, 12 Feb 2015 16:26:05 -0500

The funniest thine I have ever heard. It's was lights out and some of us were being loud as crap with the nightly shenanigans. This one female DS hated our guts. She turned on the overhead intercom. Guess she decided to spy.... she said flat out over the speaker, go to sleep or I am going to jack you all off. I took advantage of that and said I sure could use that. Yeah the whole platoon smoked .

Response by Sgt James Northam made Feb 12 at 2015 4:54 PM

Sgt James Northam — Thu, 12 Feb 2015 16:54:26 -0500

Sorry, I had Drill Instructors. So I have never heard a Drill Sergeant say anything.

Response by SGT John Rauch made Feb 12 at 2015 4:58 PM

SGT John Rauch — Thu, 12 Feb 2015 16:58:12 -0500

at FTX A DS from another platoon walked up to a female soldier in my platoon while he was eating a pack of oreo cookies. keep in mind that this DS had a strong russian accent.
DS: what are you looking at private? do you want a cookie?
PVT: No drill sergeant.
DS: dont lie to me private! do you want a cookie?
PVT: yes drill sergeant!
DS: I DONT GIVE A F@#K!!!!
the rest of us watching were trying so hard not to laugh at this that the DS noticed and we got smoked in the field.

Response by PO3 Eric DeBruin made Feb 12 at 2015 5:06 PM

PO3 Eric DeBruin — Thu, 12 Feb 2015 17:06:53 -0500

RDC (to African American recruit): Recruit, why are you putting on sunscreen?
Recruit: So I do not get any darker Petty Officer!
RDC (laughing hysterically) That is the f**king funniest thing I have ever heard, now drop and give me 20!

Response by CPL Cory Markham made Feb 12 at 2015 5:16 PM

CPL Cory Markham — Thu, 12 Feb 2015 17:16:21 -0500

riding back from the range in a deuce and a half with ds, on fort benning.
I was in basic at the time.
we were driving when boom we hit a huge bum
ds "WTF was that private!!
me"um a tortois ds."
ds"ohhhh shit private... a tortoise... a real fucking tortois.
private... don't tell no one I ran over a tortois...

one of the funniest things iv ever heard.. he went from screaming to very very serious lol

Response by Cpl Alex Kernstock made Feb 12 at 2015 5:45 PM

Cpl Alex Kernstock — Thu, 12 Feb 2015 17:45:16 -0500

Marine Corps around August 2005
We had 4 Drill Instructors: Senior, Drill Hat, and two kill hats. The second kill hat, and least experienced, was a Ssgt (the only other Ssgt was our Senior). We were learning how to wear our Service Alphas and he was teaching us how to tie a full windsor at the "Tower of Knowledge" (aka three footlockers stacked on top of each other.

"Ok, tying a daggon tie isn't daggon rocket science" as he's attempting to tie the tie he keeps saying this over while going through the steps. He kept messing up and repeating, "Ok, tying a daggon tie isn't daggon rocket science" He finally had to go into the Drill Instructor hut because he couldn't stop laughing because he couldn't tie the damn thing. He came out and exclaimed, "OK, tying your daggon tie is exactly like daggon rocket science." It may not be funny to some, but for us it was hilarious and one of my most memorable experiences from boot camp.

Response by SGT Drew Phelps made Feb 12 at 2015 5:48 PM

SGT Drew Phelps — Thu, 12 Feb 2015 17:48:30 -0500

Drill Sergeant Pendleton: "I'm fucking this monkey, you just hold the head!"

Response by SPC Jeff Leonard made Feb 12 at 2015 5:48 PM

SPC Jeff Leonard — Thu, 12 Feb 2015 17:48:44 -0500

In 90 I went through Knox for 19D training and they taught us how to install anti tank mines. Sitting in front of a sandbox with a replica mine, we were instructed on arming the mine. It had a rod on a spring so that when the tank rolled over it the rod would bend pass 45 degrees activating the mine. The instructed then said we needed to test the mine by grasping the rod and bending it past 45 degrees. I am not the sharpest spoon in the drawer but something did not feel right. I then heard the drill come by and said" you are dead, you are dead, Leonard, I am surprised you are not dead, you are dead." Not sure if I should take as a compliment or not.

Response by SGT Lee Stepp made Feb 12 at 2015 6:17 PM

SGT Lee Stepp — Thu, 12 Feb 2015 18:17:19 -0500

DS: "Privates! We've had a long week! I've got time off, do you know what that means? It means that I'm going to pick up some beer on the way home, strip down to nothing and mow my lawn buck nekid! Have a great weekend!"

Response by LCpl Michael Peters made Feb 12 at 2015 6:19 PM

LCpl Michael Peters — Thu, 12 Feb 2015 18:19:53 -0500

I got to say that my drill instructors were full of useful wisdom, but while at Parris Island, my most memorable quote came from a female drill instructor.
My unit went to the chow hall, and I had fire watch. When they returned, it was my turn to make a trip to the chow hall. Just before I got there, I encountered a unit of female recruits practicing drill. Their drill instructor was screaming at them, and she said "Alright ladies, I want you to cut that corner so sharp that I smell the fur burnin'!"
I don't know why, but that moment is one of my most memorable.

Response by MSgt Ramon Almendarez Jr made Feb 12 at 2015 6:29 PM

MSgt Ramon Almendarez Jr — Thu, 12 Feb 2015 18:29:51 -0500

As a Drill Instructor at MCRD, 3rdRTBn, HCo, PISC we were picking up the last platoon in the series. Now the other three platoons had a set of twins, we were unfortunate not to have any. So during the course of forming we got the ugliest short white and black Pvt's together and made them our twins. When the other platoons called up their twins to compete we call ours up Pvt G and Pvt B, they were our technicolor twins and won the day. This was in 1971 ... End of story ...

Response by SrA Michael Serot made Feb 12 at 2015 7:19 PM

SrA Michael Serot — Thu, 12 Feb 2015 19:19:48 -0500

When I was in basic training at Lackland AFB, we were standing in the quad under our dorms and I watched a female Military Training Instructor grill a trainee and he responded with "Sir, yes ma'am!" to which the MTI responded, "When did I grow a pair of balls?"

Response by Cpl Eric Bowerman made Feb 12 at 2015 7:24 PM

Cpl Eric Bowerman — Thu, 12 Feb 2015 19:24:09 -0500

Well there was "are you lost in the freakin sauce?" Or "you had your ears pierced didn't you recruit Holmes? Yes sir. Oh, so you're a faggot huh recruit Holmiesexual? No sir. Yes you are recruit Homiesexual. You and recruit Brown like to get nasty in the rack huh? You like that dark chocolate Dont you recruit Holmiesexual?

Response by PFC Timothy Allen made Feb 12 at 2015 7:51 PM

PFC Timothy Allen — Thu, 12 Feb 2015 19:51:14 -0500

DS Denton, Ft Div NJ

(private with bugged out eyes, was staring at him)....Why are you staring at me......Do you like me?.......Do you want to be my friend, my buddy?....You know what a buddy is?....That's someone who goes down town and gets 2 bl#*jobs , then comes back and gives you one.....You still wanna be my buddy

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 12 at 2015 8:27 PM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 12 Feb 2015 20:27:54 -0500

Reception DS in AIT, Ft. Lee, VA
"You're goin' down with A cups and comin' up with B cups Privates!!"

Response by PV2 Sean Mason made Feb 12 at 2015 8:36 PM

PV2 Sean Mason — Thu, 12 Feb 2015 20:36:00 -0500

I had one I said to my DS when in basic in 2007, we were in Fort "relaxin" Jackson and it was an even split of males and females in each platoon. Every sunday we would always have the same DS from fourth platoon (I was in first platoon) lead the chow formation and such. Anywho about three weeks in I get a bit bored and have an epiphany; we're going to have to do pushups, and alot of them, I may as well have some fun with it and get smoked for a reason. so chow formation 3rd week on sunday we're all standing at dress right dress, arms out touching the person to our left and looking right. Now I'm usually quiet and reserved but I had some influences growing up by family friends who were in or had been in the military that had been pranksters and hilarious jackasses and my family had done WW2 reenacting and displays so I got to talk to alot of old army vets, so you could say I came from a long line of shit talkers and smartasses. So whilst standing at dress right dress the conversation goes thusly:

Me: "Drill Sergeant.........Drill Sergeant?"
DS: "Yes Private? (as they have to respond when a private asks for them)
Me: "There's a problem....."
DS: (mildly irritated) Well what kind of F**king problem private?
Me: "I don't know if I should tell you though......."
DS: (more obviously irritated) "Well why the f**k not private?!"
Me: "Cause you'll be mad at me....."
DS: (now getting really torqued) "Well spit it the F**k out private!! (you can tell his favorite word from this conversation I'd imagine)
Me: "Well.......uhm......" (the tension is killing the entire company by this point, and we're still at dress right dress, which as you know is a modified position of attention)
DS: "G*d Damnit private what the hell is the issue spit it out or I'll smoke the whole F**cking company!!"
Me: "Alright.......well.......he's touching me....."
DS: (flabbergasted)".........Excuse me?"
Me: "You know........he's touching me.......personal bubble"
DS: (inches away from a stroke) "F**CKING BEAT YOUR FACE PRIVATE"

30 mins of silent pushups later he assembles the formation and we go off for chow.

the story gets better though.......I continue to do this every sunday whilst at dress right dress to the same DS who was in charge of the company for the day for the next 6 weeks (we had 9 week BCT at that time, which was just getting changed to 10 weeks right afterwards if I remember right) everyone in the company thought I was nuts and that he was going to kill me and/or have a stroke he was getting so mad (and the punishments getting longer and longer)

fast forward to our graduation rehersal, the stars aligned, and the same DS I had been tweaking is in charge of the formation......lo and behold we're at dress right dress......every other DS is there but the chance is too good to pass up, in the same tone of voice the conversation is as follows:
Me: (same exact tone of voice I started with for the last 6 weeks) "Drill Sergeant........Drill Sergeant?"
DS: (not playing this game) Oh for F**k's sake private, I swear to god you do this one more time......one more GOD DAMN TIME AND WILL SMOKE THE WHOLE COMPANY UNTIL THEIR ARMS FALL OFF (already in stroke mode)
Me: (silent thoughtful moment whilst every eye in the company is on me and waiting for the hammer to fall) "oh.........well in that case.......just saying hi"
DS: (incoherent screaming and gesticulating) *turns to DS Krc* (hella cool DS from the 82nd airborne) "YOU TAKE CARE OF THIS PRIVATE, I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE OF THIS S**T I'M F**CKING DONE, I'M GONNA KILL HIM, I SWEAR TO GOD I'M GONNA KILL HIM *storms away from the formation, gets in his truck and leaves*
DS KRC: (Looks at me askance) "Push the F**cking earth private...."
Me: (immediately) yes, Drill Sergeant *pushups till muscle failure and beyond*
DS KRC: (about 20 mins after my arms are useless noodles loosely attached to me) "recover.......*gets inches away from my face* what in the f**k is wrong with you private, why did you keep pulling that s**t?"
Me: (proceed to explain to him that I knew we'd have to do pushups and so I wanted to get smoked whilst having fun/an actual reason rather than for random crap that may piss me off a bit, plus it's good training)
DS KRC: "Fair enough private......"

and that's how I drove a DS bonkers

Response by SGT Cary Sledge made Feb 12 at 2015 9:28 PM

SGT Cary Sledge — Thu, 12 Feb 2015 21:28:00 -0500

Oh, so you wanna play the Fuck Around, Fuck Around Game? I got something for your ass!

Response by PO1 Luis T. Puig made Feb 12 at 2015 9:51 PM

PO1 Luis T. Puig — Thu, 12 Feb 2015 21:51:14 -0500

One of our XOs famously explained that there is no yelling and screaming on submarines, it’s “training at a high decibel level.”

Response by SGT Michael Hallenbeck made Feb 12 at 2015 10:34 PM

SGT Michael Hallenbeck — Thu, 12 Feb 2015 22:34:35 -0500

Do you think were friends? Do you want to come over to my house, eat ice cream and watch cable tv?

Response by SGT Michael Hallenbeck made Feb 12 at 2015 10:36 PM

SGT Michael Hallenbeck — Thu, 12 Feb 2015 22:36:32 -0500

no to me, but a Female "Do you think your special because you have a Uterus? Do you think you get a pass because you bleed once a month?"

Response by Cpl Vincent Laupp made Feb 13 at 2015 12:05 AM

Cpl Vincent Laupp — Fri, 13 Feb 2015 00:05:03 -0500

While running in gear with an M16A2 service rifle on the assault course, my drill instructor said," you better destroy that target, Laupp!!"
I turn my weapon around and swung it at the target like I was hitting a grand slam out of the park, breaking the target.
Drill instructor yelled, " why the @%#& did you do that, Laupp?"
"This recruit was out of ammo and had to improvise, sir!!"
"Get the @%#& out of here!!"

Response by Amn Aaron Pool made Feb 13 at 2015 1:48 AM

Amn Aaron Pool — Fri, 13 Feb 2015 01:48:03 -0500

On the last night of training our TI made us all watch "Full Metal Jacket" half my flight hadn't seen it before.

Response by SFC Walt Littleton made Feb 13 at 2015 3:46 AM

SFC Walt Littleton — Fri, 13 Feb 2015 03:46:03 -0500

Old Army years ago I was assigned as an AIT Platoon Sergeant and at 430 each morning I lead PT. I had this saying when muscle failure was working I'd "GET YOUR BUTTS DOWN" "THERE ARE HOMOSEXUALS OUT HERE AND YOU DONT KNOW WHO THEY ARE". This was before DONT ASK DONT TELL". About 6 months later the CSM HEARD ME AND NEEDLESS TO SAY I LEARND A GOOD LESSON THAT DAY!

Response by CPL Laie Holloway made Feb 13 at 2015 4:27 AM

CPL Laie Holloway — Fri, 13 Feb 2015 04:27:22 -0500

I went to BCT at all male Fort Knox. So one morning in the chow hall during breakfast;

DS: Hey privates, which one of y'all had sex last night????
::Confused Gross looks on everyones face:: "Ewww no one"
DS: Oh well, I did!!! and it was good! Come here private, smell my finger.

it was disturbing at first but now its pretty funny. I'd do that.

Response by SFC Troy Harlow made Feb 13 at 2015 6:49 AM

SFC Troy Harlow — Fri, 13 Feb 2015 06:49:12 -0500

Walking back from lunch, should have been running. DS stops us on gravel next to sidewalk.
DS: You privates look like you want to do some grass drills!
---Privates look down at gravel
DS: What, you don't like my grass?! GET DOWN!

Response by PO3 Michael Wise made Feb 13 at 2015 7:08 AM

PO3 Michael Wise — Fri, 13 Feb 2015 07:08:44 -0500

Wise if you don't get in step I'll crush you like a potato chip. Give me 100 push-ups Warp Speed.

Response by SN Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 13 at 2015 8:16 AM

SN Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 13 Feb 2015 08:16:22 -0500

The thing that made me laugh the most was our 2nd RDC would say "You're 10lbs of shit in an 8lb bag." Not even that funny but for some reason it would get me everytime and I use it all the time now.

Response by PFC Branden Jones made Feb 13 at 2015 8:30 AM

PFC Branden Jones — Fri, 13 Feb 2015 08:30:09 -0500

After an EO sensor session at Fort Benning Sr Drill walks in shaking his head.

Sr Drill: "So some of you have a problem with what we call you, well I am here to tell you that what we say is a generalized terms for everyone. For example calling you a mother f***er. Everyone raise your right hand. Drop your hand if any of the following apply to you:
Do you have kids
Does your girlfriend back home have kids
Does any girl you ever f***ed have kids now
Has any girl you f***ed have the ability to have kids"

At this point only one hand was up, Sr Drill looks at him and asks "do you want to have kids one day?"

Pvt: "Yes Drill Sargent!"

Sr Drill: "Thats good enough for me, your all mother f***ers or will be at some point! A Drill Sargent only calls them as he sees them."

Response by PFC Branden Jones made Feb 13 at 2015 8:38 AM

PFC Branden Jones — Fri, 13 Feb 2015 08:38:00 -0500

Your about as f***ed up as a football bat. The real special ones were a soup sandwich.

Response by TSgt Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 13 at 2015 8:57 AM

TSgt Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 13 Feb 2015 08:57:20 -0500

I remember being at chow and I saw an MTI instructing a trainee on how to stand at parade rest. Then I hear "That's not 12 inches, son! Your girlfriend lied to you!"

Response by 1stSgt Robert Keown made Feb 13 at 2015 9:16 AM

1stSgt Robert Keown — Fri, 13 Feb 2015 09:16:52 -0500

This one I have used as a supervisor and mostly as a First Sergeant. It always kicked me in the @ss when someone piped in on the subject of what a regulation, instruction, TO or general order said.

Sir: I interpret this to say...

Me: Well I am going to have to get with the commander and address getting you a pay raise, I have seen your personnel record and I don't believe they have you listed as being a f***ing interpreter. Or just straight out... We didn't hire your @ss to be an interpreter.

Response by PVT Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 13 at 2015 9:25 AM

PVT Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 13 Feb 2015 09:25:15 -0500

Number 1, Ds: private did you shave this morning? Pvt: yes drill sergeant. Ds: with what a wet dick? Number 2, Ds (on the phone with a private) private are you all done at sick call? Pvt: yes drill sergeant Ds: private why aren't you standing at parade rest when addressing to an Nco? Lmao

Response by SPC T.J. Boothby made Feb 13 at 2015 11:09 AM

SPC T.J. Boothby — Fri, 13 Feb 2015 11:09:05 -0500

"Drink water privates, it gets hotter than two rats fuckin in a wool sock down here."

Response by SPC Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 13 at 2015 11:47 AM

SPC Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 13 Feb 2015 11:47:56 -0500

About week four of infantry OSUT, military customs and courtisies. DI: What does it mean when the American Flag is flown upside down?
Brief silence.
Me: Drill Sergent it means a private made a mistake?

Response by TSgt Terry Crihfield made Feb 13 at 2015 11:58 AM

TSgt Terry Crihfield — Fri, 13 Feb 2015 11:58:56 -0500

One of the guys in my BMT flight received a pair of his wife's lace panties in the mail...the TI started yelling "Contraband!, Contraband!". He made the recruit slip them on over his boxers and run around the barracks singing "I feel pretty"...The same TI asked a recruit, "Were you born stupid or was it thrust upon you?"

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 13 at 2015 12:12 PM

SSG Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 13 Feb 2015 12:12:24 -0500

"You could fall into a barrel full of titties and come out sucking your thumb." LOL

Response by SSG Buddy Kemper made Feb 13 at 2015 12:33 PM

SSG Buddy Kemper — Fri, 13 Feb 2015 12:33:30 -0500

Fort Benning. Rifle range. Kid comes out of the craper, buttoning his fly around his mask strap and fumbling with his weapon...kid wasn't even with our company! Our drill had us in bleacher giving a little 'hip-pocket' training (remember hip-pocket training??) and catches the guy out of the corner of his eye. Turns to him and yells, "I see ya walking di@k....don't look at me like I'm a di@k, you're the di@k.....NOW DROP, DI@K!!!!!!" The kid, to his credit, went straight to ground, weapon over backs of his hands, and started pushing. GOD BLESS HIM!!! Had this look on his face, like, 'who the F is THIS crazy drill sergeant?' We didn't say nothing. But we laughed about that the rest of the time we were at there! Those words kinda became a platoon motto. 20-something years later....it's as fresh to me as the day it happened. Thanks for the stroll down amnesia lane, bro. Blessings to all of you! Have a great weekend!!! -Kemp

Response by LTC Scott O'Neil made Feb 13 at 2015 12:53 PM

LTC Scott O'Neil — Fri, 13 Feb 2015 12:53:13 -0500

It was a winter at Fort Benning we had not moved to the new Starships on Sand Hill we were still in the old WWII barracks. I was an Xo of a Training Company. In the new set of trainees were some Eskimo Scouts. I had heard of their mission to go over the Polar Cap and look at what the Russians were up to during the Cold War. They were given a can of Ammo and a new M16. They traveled by Skidoo and would be gone between 3 to 6 months.
Back to the story. It was about 40 degrees out during this training period (a cold Spell for Georgia) we were 3 weeks into training and the scouts were suffering from the heat, the heat. On night the Drills were doing a bed check and they could not find the Scouts. I got called in by the Senior Drill and he told me "Those Ugly, toothless Mother Fu&^ers went AWOL Sir. I said who di what. (OK let me explain - the Eskimo Scouts had weather beaten skin, leather like and often had bad teeth and were a little on the pudgy side and they would not win a beauty contest). Again I said what the hell are you talking about Drill Sergeant and he went into the rave again, those ugly, toothless overweight, pudgy, leather faced mother Fu&^ers went AWOL sir. Each time I asked him the list of expletives grew. I was getting a kick out of pissing off the DSs. I said lets look for them they could not have gotten far. We drove up and down Victory Drive all over Sand Hill and Kelly Hill looking for these guys. The sun was coming up and it was time for first call and PT Formation. All of a sudden I hear the Senior DS yelling this long list of profanity as I looked the Eskimo Scouts were crawling out from under the barracks . Come to find out it was 10 to 12 degrees cooler under there and they could sleep better. We couldn't have this so we had to ship them to the new star ships on Sand Hill where the AC was pumping cold air into their barracks space 24/7 in the middle of winter.............................................................The Senior DS put the longest string of profanity together I had ever heard and the rant went on and on for 10 minutes while the Eskimo Scouts laughed with a toothless grin.

Response by SrA Jeremy Roy made Feb 13 at 2015 12:56 PM

SrA Jeremy Roy — Fri, 13 Feb 2015 12:56:24 -0500

This wasn't BMT, but was tech school. So at the school house for SF at Lackland, we had surprise inspections on almost a weekly basis. The MTLs (military training leaders) would have airmen fallout outside your dorm with your ID card. You had the MTL your ID card and report "Sir/ma'am room XXX prepared for inspection" Now we had rooms with a common shared bathroom, and two rooms would report together to the MTL for the whole section to be inspected. My suite-mate was nowhere to be seen.

-MTL:"Airman, where's your suitemate?"
-Me: "I don't know sir, he was here a minuete ago"
-MTL"Stand by"

The MTL enters my dorm to go through the bathroom to the other airmans room to avoid using the key. He flings open the door and this is what I hear...

"WHAT THE HOLY C@CK F&*k! YOU ARE AS NASTY AS THEY COME YOU F*&KING ANIMAL. PUT YOUR D!CK AWAY AND FALL OUT!....SINNER!"

He falls out with his ID card in his hand and tries to hand it to the MTL...

"What the actual f^*k airman?" He looks at the MTL bewildered..."GO...WASH....YOUR...SACRILEGIOUS...HANDS. You need Jesus son..."

I couldn't stop laughing long enough to even stand up straight.

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 13 at 2015 1:32 PM

SSG Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 13 Feb 2015 13:32:06 -0500

Private, is there a reason you did not notify me that you would have a field grade officer attending graduation?

Drill Sergeant, because then you would have known that I have field grade officer in my family.

Response by SSG Joshua Garrison made Feb 13 at 2015 2:17 PM

SSG Joshua Garrison — Fri, 13 Feb 2015 14:17:01 -0500

PVT you must've slipped, fell, bumped your head, and lost your fuckin' mind!!

Response by CPT Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 13 at 2015 2:58 PM

CPT Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 13 Feb 2015 14:58:45 -0500

Not to me, but....
Drill Instructor: I will break my foot so far in your asses, that you will shit me footprints.

Response by 1stSgt David Gentry made Feb 13 at 2015 4:11 PM

1stSgt David Gentry — Fri, 13 Feb 2015 16:11:05 -0500

He walks in to the barracks, "You will un-ass those chairs right now!!!"
Or while during instruction on marching, someone down at the othe end was moving. He looks at him and says, "If you don't stop moving I'm going to Butt F$&@ you!!"

Response by SPC Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 13 at 2015 4:15 PM

SPC Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 13 Feb 2015 16:15:44 -0500

In the AIT portion of OSUT, my DS had us gathered for an informal class. It was one of the few moments when you could ask legitimate questions you had about the training instructors gave and get honest "war stories" about how the training is applied in reality. So one of the privates was feeling very vocal and asked the DS "Drill Sergeant, what if as you're doing this you receive fire?" , "Drill Sergeant, what if as you're following SOP you take incoming" and so on. My DS wasn't a very easy going guy to begin with, and him taking time out of his day to make sure his Privates were properly trained wasn't something he enjoyed doing. So eventually he just snapped got up and screamed "PRIVATE WHAT IF WORMS HAD MACHINE GUNS?" the entire room was silent, confused if this was going somewhere or not ... My DS walks over to the private and face red and full of rage, gets nose to nose with him and whispers..."then birds wouldn't f*ck with them." and walks out of the bay, gets in his POV and goes home, he proceeded to take a week of leave, which left us all even more confused as to what happened

Response by COL Charles Williams made Feb 14 at 2015 12:21 AM

COL Charles Williams — Sat, 14 Feb 2015 00:21:10 -0500

This is my second entry... but it just came to me...

D-11, MP OSUT 1980, Fort McClellan, Al. My original drill sergeant left (SSG Monty Jefson) and a new one should up (SFC Jensen (NFI))... SFC Jensen was a female, and was plain crazy... We had an all male platoon (4th), and she came into the bay one day, early on, and said "make sure you boys are all wearing shorts when you are in the platoon bay, because if "it" does not hang past your knees, I (she) do not want to see it...

She smoked us good/bad, one night, early on, when we all got back from pass, and we were all hammered from Mud Puppy Lounge (Trainee Club).

Response by SSG Keven Lahde made Feb 14 at 2015 2:03 AM

SSG Keven Lahde — Sat, 14 Feb 2015 02:03:52 -0500

To a recruit with thick glasses. "Holy shit! You see into the future with those things?"

Response by SSG Keven Lahde made Feb 14 at 2015 2:19 AM

SSG Keven Lahde — Sat, 14 Feb 2015 02:19:21 -0500

At the Grenade practice range, Drill SGT was observing me.

DS "PVT Miller!"

Me "Yes, Drill SGT?"

DS "PVT Miller, did you play girls softball?"

Me "No Drill SGT."

DS "They wouldn't let you 'cause you can't throw, right?"

Me "Uhhh... Roger Drill SGT."

Response by SrA Jack Ries made Feb 14 at 2015 8:49 AM

SrA Jack Ries — Sat, 14 Feb 2015 08:49:22 -0500

We had one guy who constantly screwed up, and he also had some kind of sinus condition that made it hard for him to breathe through his nose sometimes.
One day we're at attention in front of the wall lockers, awaiting uniform inspection. He's standing there, uniform looking like a soup sandwich, with his mouth hanging open. MTI gets up to him and very calmly says, "You know what, somewhere out there, there is a tree working tirelessly to produce oxygen, just so you can waste it. Just imagine how much nicer the world would be without mouth-breathing oxygen thieves like you."

Response by SPC Ed Morales made Feb 14 at 2015 10:55 AM

SPC Ed Morales — Sat, 14 Feb 2015 10:55:35 -0500

DS was instructing when all of us Privates started answering questions before DS had a chance to ask. At that point he said: "I'm f*cking this goat, you're just holding the tail!". The line was so funny, he not only made us laugh, but cracked himself up too.

Response by Cpl Lawrence Najvar made Feb 14 at 2015 11:07 AM

Cpl Lawrence Najvar — Sat, 14 Feb 2015 11:07:29 -0500

I did Artillery training at Ft. Sill in Oklahoma. This doesn't have to do with Drill Instructors (Drill Sergeants) but it is military related, and definitely funny.

Upon a wall locker inspection, 1st. Sgt Comacho discovers something peculiar in one of the Marine's wall lockers. Picking it up, he asks "Just what it this Marine? Just what the hell is this Devil Dog?"
Everyone's attention turns to the Marine in question.
"Is this a bong Marine? Have you been smoking reefer in the squad bay?"
The 1st. Sgt has everyone's interest piqued. Still holding the "bong" he asks a general question. "Just how the hell is this Marine smoking weed in the squad bay and no one is reporting this?"
Finally the obviously embarrassed jar head speaks up sheepishly. "Uh, no 1st. Sgt. That's not a bong, that's a penis pump."
The squad bay erupts with laughter as the 1st. Sgt. drops the pump to the ground. "Oh... my... God!"

Different Marine, different squad bay, same 1st Sgt. same shenanigans.
The entire squad bay was gathered around one Marine completely enthralled at the hilarity of his demonstration. The one guy was laying on his back on top of a foot locker with his knees brought up to his chest. He was showing everyone how he could basically suck air up into his rear, than continually fart over and over and over infinitely as many times as he wanted. We all couldn't stop laughing at the scene. You could hear the air suck in, then he'd let this little poot, and he just keep doing it over and over. Thhp, poot, thhp, poot, thhp, poot, thhp, poot......
Then, to add insult to injury, the same 1st. Sgt walks into the squad bay wondering what all the hilarity and commotion was. All thirty or so of us just scattered like cockroaches when the lights turn on, leaving the one guy still laying on his back with his knees up. Absolutely no one wanted to try and explain to him this completely odd scene.

Response by SPC Angel Hernandez made Feb 14 at 2015 11:47 AM

SPC Angel Hernandez — Sat, 14 Feb 2015 11:47:53 -0500

GET DOWN AND PUSH PLANET TILL I GET TIRED, MEATBALLS!!!!

Response by SPC Asa Clapp made Feb 14 at 2015 4:31 PM

SPC Asa Clapp — Sat, 14 Feb 2015 16:31:36 -0500

Ft. LeonardWood, MO summer of 2003.
Senior drill sergeant Mueller(sp?) thought it'd be a good time for me to be platoon leader. I step out front and the next thing I know, my platoon drill sergeant is staring blankly at my name tape and I can see his lips moving, "Clapp, clapp, clapp." He had that thousand yard stare, directly through my name tag. That's when his eyes rose and met mine.
DS: "Shit private, everytime myself or someone says your name I want you to respond loud and clear, 'the hospital has a shot for that drill sergeant!"

Yeah...basic was a blast. Everyone got the Clapp.

Response by SSG Mark Findley made Feb 15 at 2015 1:34 AM

SSG Mark Findley — Sun, 15 Feb 2015 01:34:47 -0500

Me: Drill Sergeant!
DS: Yes, Private
Me: Drill Sergeant, you know how a reservist can change his contract and go active duty?
DS: (Smiles) Yes, Private are you thinking of going active duty?
Me: No, Drill Sergeant - I'm active duty and want to go reserves.
DS: No, Private, the Army has your sorry ass. Now get in the front leaning rest and I'll tell you when to recover (still smiling)

Response by SGT Edwin Claudio made Feb 15 at 2015 2:11 AM

SGT Edwin Claudio — Sun, 15 Feb 2015 02:11:04 -0500

One our DS sang cadence and would make fun of another's lisp. Being the good Soldiers we were we repeated and being good Soldiers we took our smoking. Just hearing one tease the other was funny.

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 15 at 2015 9:28 AM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 15 Feb 2015 09:28:44 -0500

Definently not funny at the time:
I was a "non trainer" at the end of the cycle for being falsely accused of doing something. This SFC DS calls me over and tells me to get some other non trainers and go bring down her whole PLT's TA-50 gear down and lay it out. I said RGR. I go to her PLT's bay and all of there gear is locked in their lockers and nobody is around to unlock them.
I go back down and inform the DS that I cannot do this mission without a bolt cutter.
DA: do you know what rank I am?
ME: RGR, SFC, DS.
DS: how are you, a private, going to tell me a SFC, what can and cannot be done?
Me: DS, I would love to complete the mission, I just cannot do so.
DS: front leaning rest, move.
She then went on to threaten me with an ART 15 for disrespecting a SDS. Told me to clean up my act. She would ask questions, I would try to answer and she would tell me to shut up. Then when I didn't answer her question she would tell about being disrespectful.
I was soo confused, I didn't know what to do! My buddy, who witnessed it, would reenact the whole thing and we would just laugh about latter

Response by SGT Jeramy Thompson made Feb 15 at 2015 10:01 AM

SGT Jeramy Thompson — Sun, 15 Feb 2015 10:01:17 -0500

In basic, had a guy take an orange from the chow hall, drill sgts yelled gas, there in front of everyone this orange goes rolling across the ground. Drill sgts had a ball playing fetch with him

Response by Sgt Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 15 at 2015 10:17 AM

Sgt Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 15 Feb 2015 10:17:19 -0500

Day 1 hygiene inspection

DI: "What the fuck is that?" He was flapping a recruits skin flap with a moon beam
Recruit: "That's this recruit's skin flap sir" Standing POA
DI: "Did you give birth to a fucking walrus" Still flapping the skin up and watching it fall
Recruit: "No sir, this recruit lost 200lbs to come here sir"
DI: "Holy fat fuck"
Recruit: "aye sir"
DI: "Why does your dick look like chewed bubble gum"
Recruit: "This recruit got it stuck in a bicycle chain sir"
DI: "Holy shit, you are just ten times a fucked up, I don't know what the recruiter told you but I don't think Dress Blues are going to help you get laid"
Recruit: "Aye sir"

Response by LCpl Robert Therrien made Feb 15 at 2015 1:35 PM

LCpl Robert Therrien — Sun, 15 Feb 2015 13:35:24 -0500

One that i can remember, I was being dug on the quarterdeck by my DI and he looked at me and asked

Recruit are you getting tired??

Sir, no, sir .. I yelled.

His response Well my eyes are getting tired of looking at you..

Not thinking, because I was young and dumb I responded Sir I think you should look away if the Drill instructor is getting tired of looking at the recruit. Sir.

2 things happened that day. 1 I got dug so hard my back teeth hurt. 2 I made a DI giggle.

Response by PO3 Mary Barrett made Feb 15 at 2015 9:00 PM

PO3 Mary Barrett — Sun, 15 Feb 2015 21:00:30 -0500

MY drill Sargent yelled, "Recruit! Do you need glass over you belly button so that you can see out?"

Response by SPC Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 16 at 2015 9:59 AM

SPC Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 16 Feb 2015 09:59:08 -0500

First Sgt said to trainnie while fucking up PRT " You're so fucking stupid I bet you could tell me all the flavors of the windows on a short bus!"

Response by SGT Joshua Braska made Feb 16 at 2015 11:56 AM

SGT Joshua Braska — Mon, 16 Feb 2015 11:56:43 -0500

DS: Private, what do you do when a pretty girl smiles at you?
Private: DS, I smile back, DS.
DS: I get a hard on!

DS: You want to know what pussy smells like, private?
Private: DS, yes, DS.
DS breathes right in private's face.

Response by Sgt Terry Kohler made Feb 16 at 2015 3:53 PM

Sgt Terry Kohler — Mon, 16 Feb 2015 15:53:30 -0500

"Ling*** You are the perfect poster child for prophylactic! Get out of my face!" I wont list the name!!

Response by SPC Ken Harper made Feb 16 at 2015 5:31 PM

SPC Ken Harper — Mon, 16 Feb 2015 17:31:03 -0500

During a boot camp uniform inspection, one of the nervous guys near me kept calling a female officer "sir" whenever she'd ask him a question. She finally finished with him and stood in front of me and asked, "Harper, your buddy kept calling me 'sir', do I look like a 'sir' to you?" I took one step backwards and slowly looked her up and down then stepped forward one step and said "NOOO MAAM!" She smiled and said "Thank you Harper", and then told the score keeper "Harper has no uniform deficiencies" and they went to the next guy.

Response by Cpl James Wallace made Feb 16 at 2015 6:36 PM

Cpl James Wallace — Mon, 16 Feb 2015 18:36:05 -0500

DI: "Why is your eyeballs starring at me Recruit do you think I'm pretty?"
R: "no sir"
DI: "oh you think I'm F***in ugly?"
R: "no sir"
DI: "THEN WHICH IS IT RECRUIT?"

Response by PO2 Edgardo Sanchez made Feb 16 at 2015 9:23 PM

PO2 Edgardo Sanchez — Mon, 16 Feb 2015 21:23:48 -0500

Life's tough, it's a lot tougher when you're stupid

Response by PVT Shawn Lathrop made Feb 17 at 2015 3:55 AM

PVT Shawn Lathrop — Tue, 17 Feb 2015 03:55:55 -0500

During Basic Combat Training at Fort Leonardwood, MO when another private made a mistake in front of the Drill Sgt.:
Drill Sgt. - "You know what state you're in Private?"
Private - "The State of Missouri, Drill Sgt."
Drill Sgt. - "WRONG!! YOU'RE IN A STATE OF CONFUSION NUMBNUTS!"

Response by SrA Benjamin Donatus made Feb 17 at 2015 9:00 AM

SrA Benjamin Donatus — Tue, 17 Feb 2015 09:00:04 -0500

We had this one DS during weapons training teaching us the bayonet strike and butt strike one of the funniest scenarios I've seen.

DS - "So which one of you window lickers is going first."
Trainee - "Me sir."
DS - "I want you to go up there, and hit that shit so hard that our whole squadron can hear you."
*trainee runs up and gives a soft butt strike*
DS - "what in the fuck was that son, I've might as well have given you a Chanel handbag to use. My mother in law hits harder than that and she's almost dead."

Response by SPC Theodore Borst made Feb 17 at 2015 9:39 AM

SPC Theodore Borst — Tue, 17 Feb 2015 09:39:09 -0500

Ft. Benning 1988

While doing PT, DS Ward walks up to PVT Diaz (who is about 5'3") and says "Boy were you strained through a sock, or couldn't your daddy stay inside your momma long enough to make you taller?"

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 17 at 2015 4:05 PM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 17 Feb 2015 16:05:59 -0500

Not so much as what he said, but my being able to understand what he said. WHen I graduated basic at Ft. Knox, I was attached to a Marine unit for M551 Sheridan training and the Marine DI got in my face one day,yelling like I had just killed his mother! I stood there with the bill of his hat in the bridge of my eyes, staring intently trying to figure out what he was saying, with a mouth full of tobacco and speaking in tongues. When he was done yelling at me, I just said "DS, Yes, DS and ran for the tank. The only thing I could figure out, he was just yelling at me because I was Army and he was a Marine. Not a clue to this day!

Response by PO2 Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 17 at 2015 6:00 PM

PO2 Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 17 Feb 2015 18:00:08 -0500

We had a kid in our unit who was overweight and could not run. I'm talking PrivatePyle, ready to fall over after a 1/4 mile. Poor SR Lopes was a constant target for the CC, and one day the CC had enough and lit him up.

"Lopes, what the **** is wrong with you?"
"I can't go sir."
"If you go any slower, I'm going to have to petition the Navy to reinvent the clock just so you can pass your PT tests. Is that what you want?"
"Sir no sir."
"Then maybe you should pick up the pace. If you run any ****ing slower, I'm gonna have them name a month after you, because that's how long it's gonna take for you to finish your run. At least do everybody a favor and try to finish your run today before the end of the year (worth noting that it was mid-September when this took place.)"
"Sir yes sir"
"If you go any ****ing slower, I may have to consult with the Chinese and see if we can have (paraphrasing) the year of the Dragon, the year of the rat, and the year of Lopes' run. Is that what we want?"
"Sir no sir."

Needless to say, SR Lopes did not last with the unit much longer and was bumped from the unit a few days later."

Response by CW3 Kenneth Peck made Feb 17 at 2015 9:12 PM

CW3 Kenneth Peck — Tue, 17 Feb 2015 21:12:16 -0500

DS: You know PVT....it's not your fault....its your Parents fault that your a "Woodstock Baby"!

Actual statement from my DS back in Aug 1988....I did not think it too funny at the time but now years later it is hilarious!

Response by MG Hugh Van Roosen made Feb 18 at 2015 1:32 AM

MG Hugh Van Roosen — Wed, 18 Feb 2015 01:32:29 -0500

Private. You are the new Platoon Guide...

Response by PO3 John Jeter made Feb 18 at 2015 1:46 AM

PO3 John Jeter — Wed, 18 Feb 2015 01:46:55 -0500

The absolute, all time, most favorite remark I have ever heard......"No matter how hard I try, I simply cannot find a way to credit the possibility that a creature such as yourself is the end result of millions of years of evolution!"

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 18 at 2015 4:53 PM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 18 Feb 2015 16:53:25 -0500

Senior DS. Do you like me Private.
Pvt. (me) Yes Drill Sargent
Senior DS. Well private, you don't like me, Like leads to love, love leads to sex and you ain't gonna fuck me boy.

Response by LTC Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 18 at 2015 7:04 PM

LTC Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 18 Feb 2015 19:04:46 -0500

After inspecting an officer candidate's M16 a DI asks:

DI: Did you clean your weapon?

OC: Yes Drill Instructor

DI: Well what the hell did you use, a Hersey's bar?

Response by SPC Ben Hamilton made Feb 20 at 2015 2:08 PM

SPC Ben Hamilton — Fri, 20 Feb 2015 14:08:54 -0500

"For the next four months I am your mother, your father, your sister, your brother, your grandma, your grandpa, your aunt and uncle. I am everything dearest to you except your dearest fuck because you will not fuck me, I will fuck you!"

Day one off the cattle truck. Ft. Benning 1999

Response by PFC Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 20 at 2015 10:23 PM

PFC Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 20 Feb 2015 22:23:46 -0500

I had a friend at Basic who had a pebble in his M16 buttstock before weapon turn-in. The DS found it and told him to name it and have it on him at all times.

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 21 at 2015 12:17 AM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Sat, 21 Feb 2015 00:17:59 -0500

When I was in basic we were on our force march, of twenty miles, and when we stopped to rest I had drawn some lighting bolts on my steel pot liner. While we were eating chow my Sargent was saying "hey lighting" over and over. I finally realized he was talking to me. He told me I had until chow was over to remove the lighting bolts from my liner. I didn't know what to do so I began spitting on the helmet liner trying to remove the lightening bolts. He told me spitting on the liner was worse than writing on it and I had 10 minuets to sanitize the liner. I got some hot water and began cleaning and sanitizing the liner and he told me to give it up after a while. He said the unsanitized and ruined liner would be taken out of my pay. I asked him how much it costs and he said more then you're worth. Then he made me do twenty push-ups and scream out loud that I will never destroy government issued supplies. I never did anymore.

Response by SFC William Manchester made Feb 22 at 2015 1:44 AM

SFC William Manchester — Sun, 22 Feb 2015 01:44:50 -0500

When I was in basic training, I remember I read in our “Soldier’s Manual” (which was mostly excerpts of AR 600-20) a section that mentioned giving the greeting of the day to NCOs. Having a certain amount of pride in this newfound knowledge, I gave one of my drill sergeants the greeting of the day. It was something to the effect of “good morning drill sergeant” or “good afternoon drill sergeant.” His reply was “f*&k you.”

Response by SFC(P) Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 24 at 2015 7:45 AM

SFC(P) Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 24 Feb 2015 07:45:56 -0500

I would tell my platoon that if they were able to recieve a 100% first time go for CIF turn they would each get a whopper. Privates being privates being privates would automatically think this meant burger king. I would build it up for about a week always saying whopper. The night before family day if they had recieved a 100% first time go i would put them in the war bay. When they walked in they would see 5 or 6 burger king bags. I would tell them to close there eyes and when they get tapped on the shoulder by the drill sergeant open them and walk foward. when they got to the desk where i was standing I would hand them a candy whopper and ask with or with out cheese and had a can of cheese next to me. The puzzled look of disappointment and man he got us again was always great way to the end the cycle.

Response by SPC Stephen Bartlett made Feb 25 at 2015 12:06 PM

SPC Stephen Bartlett — Wed, 25 Feb 2015 12:06:58 -0500

Bbbb

Response by SPC Stephen Bartlett made Feb 25 at 2015 12:11 PM

SPC Stephen Bartlett — Wed, 25 Feb 2015 12:11:38 -0500

Once saw a private trying to rip the handle off a hatch door while standing on it. And another do the same to a 5 ton truck hood trying to lift it up like a car hood. These soldiers are clearly infantryman!

Response by SGT Joseph W. made Feb 25 at 2015 1:05 PM

SGT Joseph W. — Wed, 25 Feb 2015 13:05:13 -0500

At Fort Dix in summer of 1986, a Drill Instructor told us that our asses are "the grass" and that he was going to "do the mowing."

Response by Capt Lance Gallardo made Feb 25 at 2015 1:47 PM

Capt Lance Gallardo — Wed, 25 Feb 2015 13:47:19 -0500

Marine Corps OCS, summer 1983, when Marine Corps DIs could still verbally abuse Officer Candidates with profanity (no physical assaults allowed):

While marching to the chow hall for evening chow, the officer candidate who was supposed to be in charge of the admin move was messing up and the DI came up to him and started yelling at him:

DI: "Candidate, this aint fucking Star Trek! You can't just say, "Beam Me the Fuck out of Here Scotty!" "So you had better get yourself unfucked, and start getting your shit together" . . . or words to that effect. In the summer of 1983, we still had a lot of Gunnery Sargeants and staff sgts who were Vietnam Combat Vets and they didn't stand for Officer Candidates who were lost and/or "failed to follow simple instructions." I bore my share of abuse and genuinely some of what the DIs said was hilarious as long as you were not on the receiving end of their scorn and verbal assaults. I am ashamed to admit that watching other candidates getting chewed out by the DIs was almost worth the price of admission. I still don't know how I graduated from PLC Jrs course as a squirreley 18 year old. I was anything but squared away. I was an 18 year old virgin and it must have shown. But I never quit on anything, hikes, the harassment package, my Staff Platoon Commander, a n Arty Captain banging his hand on my Steel Pot (yes we still had the WWII GI Helmets then, the Kevlar helmets were just being phased into MC inventory), while we were in the field, saying he was going to get me to DOR (drop on request). The more he did this the madder and meaner and more determined I became that I was going to have to be carted away involuntarily by the Navy Corpsmen in a jeep, before I would ever DOR! I remember seeing stars on one brutal hump, close to heat exhaustion, and the Junior Hat (Jr. DI ) saying to me, "I know you want to quit don't you, just one more hill, and you will roll right off the road and into a ditch and some raccoon will come down and eat your face off before we find you (that actually happened to some poor officer candidate who passed out and was not accounted for, and they later found his body with his face eaten off by a raccoon in Quantico, or so we were told)." "No Sgt Instructor, the Officer Candidate is NOT going to pass out or quit the hike." I was looking foward to seeing him pass out or quit, and he looked like he was close, so I was getting internally gleeful at seeing one of my tormentors about to bite the dust. He even went on to tell me, "I know I am hurting and I can see you are close to quitting and then you get to get a nice ride in the jeep in the rear with the Corpsmen" No way! So not quitting became a matter of pride, and an evil desire to see my Di go to hell before me. His name was Sgt. Instructor/Sgt Huxley, and he had an ugly pockmarked face and knew it. He once told us Officer candidates that he knew he was ugly, "but you haven't seen my wife, she is a beauty." Which of course just made the candidates speculate even more on Mr and Mrs Pizza face! He was a white and skinnier version of Manuel Noriega to give you all a good picture of what his face looked like, and he was a mean as a rattlesnake, despite being a short fella. He was NOT happy to see me graduate!

Response by SPC Brandon Spray made Feb 28 at 2015 11:34 PM

SPC Brandon Spray — Sat, 28 Feb 2015 23:34:09 -0500

I'm only commenting because that is actually my DS in this picture.....lol Small world!

Response by SPC Private RallyPoint Member made Mar 1 at 2015 8:18 PM

SPC Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 01 Mar 2015 20:18:01 -0500

This happen to me in basic should be a good laugh for everyone. We were doing confidence course in basic, had a DS from the other side of my town always after me to earn my towns name up till this point the DS's called me Enochville or whatever other name they felt like calling me. Well it's my turn my platoon had been scaring people all day who were coming down by yelling to jump and no one would. As I walked up DS Hayne the DS from my town called me over to say this "Friar listen all jokes aside you have to earn our towns name basics almost over and you haven't got it are you going to because your only at Kanna you have to earn that oplis." Well I told him I would earn it one way or the other. After getting to the end and climbing over the bar I started going down the net, go figure my platoon started yelling jump jump so I didn't think about it let go and dropped about 30 feet into the foam cushions. Everyone thought I was dead until I got up DS Hayne called me over and said "Friar I don't give a shit what anyone calls you after that fucking stunt you can be called whatever you want great fucking job." Best feeling ever that day.

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Mar 2 at 2015 12:27 AM

SSG Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 02 Mar 2015 00:27:36 -0500

Good night private

Response by CSM Carlson C. made Mar 5 at 2015 7:08 AM

CSM Carlson C. — Thu, 05 Mar 2015 07:08:32 -0500

True story, this happened to me when I was at Basic Training A1/46 Fort Knox. So We had just got back from FTX and I had the responsibility to clean the platoon canteens. Drill SGT Bruce Lee comes in and screams...

Drill SGT: "Cooooooox!"
Me: "Yes Drill Sgt."
Drill SGT:Why the hell does your canteen look immaculate yet the rest of the platoon looks like sh!%?
Me:Well Drill SGT, it was kinda hard to......(cuts me off)
Drill SGT: Hard? Hard?!? You know whats hard Cox? You Wanna guess whats hard Cox?
Me: No Drill SGT
Drill SGT: Damn good answer... Get out of my face.
Me: Yes Drill SGT.

....couple hours later the 1SG comes in for an inspection...

1SG: Private Cox, why is the top button of your long sleeve shirt unbuttoned?
Me: I'm sorry 1SG, I guess I missed it...
Drill SGT: Missed it? This Soldier just told the 1SG, "I guess i missed it". Out-f!@#ing Standing. You missed it, huh, Cox? I got you later troop
Me: (Puts head down)

....hour later...

Random Soldier: TOE TO LINE, TOE TO LINE!
Drill SGT: (Sits in his chair...)
Drill SGT: COX... Cox... cox...
Me: Yes Drill SGT...
Drill SGT: What's that sh#$ you told 1SG?
Me: I missed it 1SG.
Drill SGT: Say it again.
Me: I missed it 1SG.
Drill SGT: Rewind...
Me: I missed it 1SG.
Drill SGT: Tell the platoon the horse sh!% you told me...
Me: It's hard Drill SGT
Drill SGT: Rewind
Me: Its hard drill SGT
Drill SGT:Play it again
Me: Its hard drill SGT.
(This goes on for about 5 - 7 minutes, then he leaves)

The fact that my platoon was able to hold in the utter laughter until he left was a miracle within itself. I was 18 at the time and am now 36, the most embarrassing moment of my entire life. I will never forget that comedy...lol

Response by SPC Private RallyPoint Member made Mar 10 at 2015 4:30 PM

SPC Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 10 Mar 2015 16:30:09 -0400

During Combatives:
DS: "This is your Combatives Final"
Me: "Happy Clench Drill!"
DS: "And May the Odds be Ever in Your Favor!"

Response by MAJ Chris Ballard made Mar 17 at 2015 10:27 AM

MAJ Chris Ballard — Tue, 17 Mar 2015 10:27:13 -0400

My Drill Sergeant had a habit of pronouncing "behoove" (which he way overused) as "be hooah of." As in, "Formation is in five minutes; it would be hooah of you to be there in three!"

Response by SGT John Wesley made Mar 19 at 2015 4:36 PM

SGT John Wesley — Thu, 19 Mar 2015 16:36:56 -0400

In 1985 I was in Ft. Dix for basic. One night at 2am, Drill Sgt. David wakes us up, puts us at parade rest in the hallway, pulls out this wind up commando, winds it up and sets it down. It low crawls a few inches, then fires it rifle. He does this for an hour, never saying a word. Then picks it up and says "This is how you should low crawl tomorrow in training." With that, he walks out yelling, "Dismissed!" An hour of a wind up doll... Lol

Response by SPC Private RallyPoint Member made Mar 21 at 2015 1:54 AM

SPC Private RallyPoint Member — Sat, 21 Mar 2015 01:54:25 -0400

I have two sayings my drill sergeants always said.

I was at Relaxin Jackson in 2009, and my DS' were DS Braddock and DS Patrick.

During week 3 of training, we were going over land navigation. DS Patrick was leading the course. 3-4 of the recruits with me were not able to understand anything the DS was teaching. This led to the ultimate statement. "You just hold the goddamn horns, and Ill f@$% the goat privates.

Couple of weeks later, after our second PT Test, anyone who got a 300+ was given an on post pass. One of our recruits (lets call him Johns) decided to go to the tobacco store and buy dip. Needless to say, he was caught before he even paid for it. Literally that same day at chow, DS Braddock find said private and with a loud voice says, "PRIVATE JOHNS!!!" "Yes Drill Sergeant" "I F***ING HATE YOU!!!!"

Response by SGT Gabriel G. made Mar 25 at 2015 12:57 PM

SGT Gabriel G. — Wed, 25 Mar 2015 12:57:38 -0400

I threw off a DS as a private.

DS: "Gambino, you're the biggest goddamn retard I've ever seen"

Me: "Drill Sergeant, I know, Drill Sergeant"

DS then starts to crack and struggles to regain composure. "I didn't ask you, private"

Response by PO2 Private RallyPoint Member made Mar 25 at 2015 1:02 PM

PO2 Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 25 Mar 2015 13:02:22 -0400

Our RDC (DI) was walking around inspecting everyones shave with his ID card, we were in a mixed division (males and females) and when he got to the female AROC he was about to pass her then he did a double take looked closer and said "Simmons, did you shave this morning?" Everyone lost it and we ended up getting beat for hours.

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 1 at 2015 1:46 PM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 01 Apr 2015 13:46:50 -0400

Response by Cadet PVT Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 1 at 2015 5:15 PM

Cadet PVT Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 01 Apr 2015 17:15:43 -0400

After sniper camoflauge training the drill sergeant tells a soldier his camo was shitty and could see it from a mile away he then proceeds to me and smiles at me and says goddamn where have you been havent seen you all damn day

Response by CW2 John Brookins made Apr 1 at 2015 5:26 PM

CW2 John Brookins — Wed, 01 Apr 2015 17:26:01 -0400

Not really funny but funny to me.

Somewhere in the 7th week of BT, at mail call the Drill Sergeant called my name, then said to the other Drill Sergeant,”he’s not in our platoon.” At which point I raised my hand and said, “Right here Drill Sergeant.” His reply, “Where the F*&k have you been hiding the last seven weeks?”

I spent my whole career like that. ;)

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 1 at 2015 10:33 PM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 01 Apr 2015 22:33:21 -0400

What are you looking at private?! Do you like me?! Do you wanna marry me?!

Response by PFC Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 9 at 2015 7:44 PM

PFC Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 09 Apr 2015 19:44:50 -0400

While lined up in a staggered column to ruck back from a range our platoon's senior DS told one side of the column to start beatboxing and the other half to start a different beat and then hides behind a private when a different platoons DS showed up and asked us what the hell we were doing our DS slides out from behind the private and started seranading the other DS with a R&B love song

Response by SFC Charles S. made May 1 at 2015 4:42 AM

SFC Charles S. — Fri, 01 May 2015 04:42:12 -0400

SPC Eddie Espejo My Drill once said to another soldier, "Soldier your how tall? 5 feet Nine inches.... Well I'll be damned, I didn't know they stacked shit that high.

Response by CSM Private RallyPoint Member made May 1 at 2015 5:09 AM

CSM Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 01 May 2015 05:09:17 -0400

https://www.rallypoint.com/answers/what-is-the-funniest-thing-you-ve-heard-a-drill-sergeant-say

What is the funniest thing you've heard a Drill Sergeant say? | RallyPoint

This isn't limited to what you've heard but it could also include what you've said. DS: "Did you buy my action figure at Wal-Mart?" Private: "No drill sergeant!" DS: "Then why are you playin' with me?!"

Response by SSG Skylur Britz made May 1 at 2015 6:41 AM

SSG Skylur Britz — Fri, 01 May 2015 06:41:51 -0400

PVT: Stupid question.
DS: You're the argument for abortion.

Response by SGM Private RallyPoint Member made May 1 at 2015 7:52 AM

SGM Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 01 May 2015 07:52:23 -0400

"As you were"...I told him I joined to become something else.

Response by MAJ Chris Ballard made May 1 at 2015 8:22 AM

MAJ Chris Ballard — Fri, 01 May 2015 08:22:32 -0400

My Drill Sergeant had a habit of saying behoove (which he said A LOT) as "be hooah of."

"Pri'ates, it would be hooah of you to have that latrine spotless when I come back."

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made May 1 at 2015 8:48 AM

SSG Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 01 May 2015 08:48:21 -0400

White phase and it was surprise inspection day. Luckily Drill Sergeant didn't find anything and he was very appreciative of that so we had a good laugh with him. One of us in the platoon said "you a fool Drill Sergeant!!"

Drill Sergeant: I'm a fool? Platoon...Attention...half-right face...front-leaning rest position...MOVE!!

Drill Sergeant: Ha Ha whose the fool now!?!!

Response by SP5 Michael Rathbun made May 1 at 2015 10:09 AM

SP5 Michael Rathbun — Fri, 01 May 2015 10:09:58 -0400

"Goddamn, looks like I f**ked* up."

Heard after the SDI marched the company into a wall when he was distracted by passing female personnel and failed to issue a timely "column left".

Response by MSG Morgan Fiszel, CPCM, CFCM made May 2 at 2015 3:55 PM

MSG Morgan Fiszel, CPCM, CFCM — Sat, 02 May 2015 15:55:48 -0400

It was a really long time ago and I spent years trying to get rid of memories related to the smoking but...just prior to wall locker inspections we hid an Austin Powers penis pump on the top shelf of this guys locker. Ever quote above and below was said at least twice.

Response by SrA Edward Vong made May 17 at 2015 7:38 PM

SrA Edward Vong — Sun, 17 May 2015 19:38:00 -0400

It was the first time we all took a shower at BMT, our MTI was waiting by the showers, he says "you guy better all be clean, clean your f*cking assh*les because tonight I'm going to come in and f*ck it, and I don't wanna get sh*t on my d*ck." Needless to say none of us were able to keep a straight face.

Response by SPC Chad Kolod made May 17 at 2015 9:34 PM

SPC Chad Kolod — Sun, 17 May 2015 21:34:22 -0400

"Don't worry private, the government knows your at basic and will automatically file an extension for your taxes! Why would I give you time off to file for a power of attorney??!!"

Response by MAJ Keira Brennan made May 21 at 2015 3:21 PM

MAJ Keira Brennan — Thu, 21 May 2015 15:21:17 -0400

"When I tell you to drop, you better drop like I hit you on head with a flamming 2 by 4"

Response by SGT Kevin Brown made Jun 2 at 2015 10:14 PM

SGT Kevin Brown — Tue, 02 Jun 2015 22:14:21 -0400

After graduating AIT my flight was delayed by two days so I helped the DSs with intake for the next class. During the new privates inspection a DS pulled me aside, put his hat on me and handed me his pistol belt. He ordered me to correct the new recruits who were screwing up on their pushups. Whenever a private replied "Yes Drill Sergeant" I was supposed to correct them with "that's f#/÷ing Drill Private, to you" and every time someone would stop pushing and look up at me with a weird look the real Drill Sergeants would swarm in like sharks and have at him. Best day of AIT ever.

Response by 1SG Jason Smith made Jun 4 at 2015 11:34 AM

1SG Jason Smith — Thu, 04 Jun 2015 11:34:26 -0400

Careful Private! don't over exert yourself! I wouldn't want you to dislocate your fat!

Response by CW3 Craig Linghor made Jun 4 at 2015 10:56 PM

CW3 Craig Linghor — Thu, 04 Jun 2015 22:56:59 -0400

Boy you better commoflage those Mick Jagger lips.

Response by SPC Dominque Lee made Jun 6 at 2015 5:30 AM

SPC Dominque Lee — Sat, 06 Jun 2015 05:30:25 -0400

"Front leaning rest position move, Get up, you get up out of bed get back down"

Response by SPC Rob Robinson made Jun 11 at 2015 5:16 PM

SPC Rob Robinson — Thu, 11 Jun 2015 17:16:29 -0400

"If I had a dog that looked like you, I would shave its a** and teach it to walk backwards."

Response by SFC Jason Wryn made Jun 18 at 2015 1:01 PM

SFC Jason Wryn — Thu, 18 Jun 2015 13:01:14 -0400

PVT: DS do you have a pair of scissors?
DS: What the F*** do you need a pair of scissors for crackhead?
PVT: DS,My mouthguard is to long, When I put it in my mouth, it makes me gag.
DS: Relax your throat, you know the drill.

Response by SSgt Nassim Rizvi made Jul 16 at 2015 10:45 AM

SSgt Nassim Rizvi — Thu, 16 Jul 2015 10:45:13 -0400

Almost had my thumb ripped off while marching because it wasn't closed with the rest of my hand.
1992 LAFB

Response by SGT Roberto Mendoza-Diaz made Jul 20 at 2015 11:20 AM

SGT Roberto Mendoza-Diaz — Mon, 20 Jul 2015 11:20:40 -0400

Well during map reading training (the day before we did bayonet training) the DS said:
DS: Look at this map, and tell me what the name of the map (Killeen) stands for?
Me: DS it stands for kill, kill, kill, DS.
DS: DROP AND GIVE 20 SMARTASS!!!!
Well I didn't know then that Killeen was a city in Texas and I thought he was still talking about bayonet training, oooops. Lol.

Response by 1LT Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 26 at 2015 6:57 PM

1LT Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 26 Jul 2015 18:57:39 -0400

"Toe the line" at 2AM in BCT and you can even the heartbeat of soldiers next to you because they know it is drill Sgt's PT time! It was so funny to me

Response by SSgt Terry P. made Aug 1 at 2015 3:21 PM

SSgt Terry P. — Sat, 01 Aug 2015 15:21:07 -0400

a private with ONE missed whisker on his chin---Drill Instructor "You trying to become a hippie,maggot?

Response by CPL Richard Flagg made Aug 3 at 2015 3:10 PM

CPL Richard Flagg — Mon, 03 Aug 2015 15:10:14 -0400

Fort Benning, GA July 87' during the first few weeks of INF OSUT we all were smoked from our days of training and being "conditioned" by all the DS's; so when we were released for the day pretty much all of us Showered, Shaved, and got ready for another earlyass First Call by the DS's.

Well, one night during those early weeks of training being GA in the Summertime it was very hot and humid; and that combination set the Fire Alarms off waking us out of much needed sleep.

We all filed downstairs for Accountability Formation half asleep. The acting DS on duty had each PLT report in our statuses. Low and behold my PLT was short one man; the DS was not amused of course, and was about to send someone upstairs to do a run through checking our PLT bay for the missing man.

When all of a sudden this naked man save a washcloth runs down the stairs. This elicited the ire of the DS who yelled at him, "All Right Nature Boy get your Swinging D@ck UPSTAIRS" and "I don't Give a FLYING F@CK" if "the F@CKING PLACE IS ON FIRE YOU'RE GOING TO PUT TOUR UNIFORM ON!!!"

It sure was hard not busting out laughing; but all of us maintained our bearing. It turned out this guy didn't like taking showers with other men so he waited til 0300 to take his his showers when everyone was asleep. I think this incident changed his shower times. lol

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made Aug 4 at 2015 12:59 PM

MAJ Ken Landgren — Tue, 04 Aug 2015 12:59:56 -0400

You will wake up with my dick in your mouth. He was some foreigner.

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Aug 6 at 2015 11:48 PM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 06 Aug 2015 23:48:40 -0400

DS- Guess what day it is?
PVT- Christmas Sir
DS- Thats right so we have a treat for you, you get a lollipop and you get to watch a movie
PVT- Yes Sir
DS- Oh and In case I forget Santa Claus is not coming to town tonight we are and guess what no one is going to hear you scream so suck on that lollipop and pray to your gods.

DS- Oh are you tired?
PVT- NO DS
DS- Well the tone in your voice tells me otherwise you are s!@t out of luck because I have more games than milton bradley and the parker brothers combined. Now get on my quarter Deck. If you went to Marine Corps boot camp you know what the quarterdeck is.

Response by SFC Darrell Woods made Aug 7 at 2015 12:15 AM

SFC Darrell Woods — Fri, 07 Aug 2015 00:15:12 -0400

I used to tell the soldiers "Your so special they had to send a Volkswagen to pick you up"

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Aug 7 at 2015 2:41 PM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 07 Aug 2015 14:41:59 -0400

private you got 10 seconds to get over there and EIGHT ARE ALREADY GONE!

Response by TSgt Private RallyPoint Member made Aug 7 at 2015 8:13 PM

TSgt Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 07 Aug 2015 20:13:08 -0400

1st week of basic, we were getting the tour of our Squadron building. We stopped by the clearing barrels and were being instructed on their use by the MTI when one poor trainee raises his hand and asks
"Sir, why wouldn't you just look down the barrel to see if there's a bullet in there?"
MTI can't even fathom the stupidity, all he can manage is a "You have got to be butt-f**king kidding me trainee."
He then turns to the Dorm Chief:
"CHIEF!"
"Sir trainee (Dorm Chief) reports as ordered! Yes, sir?"
"You will watch this trainee every damn day until he's off my base, because he's either retarded, or a goddamn terrorist."

Response by Sgt Matt Koeneman made Aug 8 at 2015 4:28 AM

Sgt Matt Koeneman — Sat, 08 Aug 2015 04:28:49 -0400

To me, "What the F*** are those?!Are those your G*d Da** night feeder tentacles?"
Long nose hair during an inspection.

Response by CPT Private RallyPoint Member made Aug 9 at 2015 2:15 AM

CPT Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 09 Aug 2015 02:15:53 -0400

Not so much what they said as what they did.

Ft Leonard Wood. 2004. D Co, 2-10 IN. Red Phase.

Company is formed up outside barracks about to march to morning chow. A few stragglers are hurrying to get in formation and are running out the door to fall in. A few of the DS from each platoon are gathered at the bottom of the steps just outside the doorway bullshitting with the SDS. One private comes hurrying down the stairwell, trips on the door threshold, and goes sailing through the air in near swan-dive fashion. As he landed in a belly flop on the hardball and went skidding across from where the DSs stood, Senior squats down like an umpire with arms extended and yells, "SAFE!"

Entire company erupts in laughter.

Response by PO3 Steven Sherrill made Aug 11 at 2015 3:43 PM

PO3 Steven Sherrill — Tue, 11 Aug 2015 15:43:54 -0400

In Navy Boot Camp we had a notebook we were required to carry with us at all times. One of the guys in our division had started writing a letter in the notebook. On Christmas Day we were being cycled (personally I think it was more to take mind off being in boot camp on Christmas than anything we actually did wrong), and while we were doing push-ups, our RDC was just blowing up on us. He grabbed the notebook from this guys pocket to check to make sure it had the required notes in it, and found the letter. He tossed the notebook down, and yelled "Dear Honey, I'm Horny." It was hard not to fall out. It was hard not to laugh. It was hilarious.

Response by PFC Private RallyPoint Member made Aug 26 at 2015 2:01 PM

PFC Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 26 Aug 2015 14:01:19 -0400

"Private you better shut the hell up before I knock them teeth column left"

Response by SPC Private RallyPoint Member made Nov 25 at 2015 5:29 PM

SPC Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 25 Nov 2015 17:29:56 -0500

DS: Welcome to the Clench Drill. May the odds be ever in your favor.
Privates: *whistle the Mockingjay tune*

Response by PO3 David Miller made Nov 25 at 2015 7:13 PM

PO3 David Miller — Wed, 25 Nov 2015 19:13:51 -0500

RDC "Stop staring at me....Do you think I'm sexy?"
Recruit "Um...No, Petty Officer."

Response by SGT Dana Williams made Nov 25 at 2015 8:07 PM

SGT Dana Williams — Wed, 25 Nov 2015 20:07:58 -0500

I had an unusual drill sergeant in 1965. He'd already pulled a tour in Vietnam and seemed more interested in passing tips that might keep us alive One was "arrogance ain't pretty. Besides, you gotta' be damn good to get by with bein' arrogant". Another "they say don't sweat the small s***. In combat, the small s*** is small arms fire and ya' better pay attention to it". Not exactly funny, but the last things you'd expect to hear. The best one "never lose your sense of humor. No matter how bad things look, if you can grin about it, it may not be as bad as it looks".

Response by PFC Jason Jackson made Nov 28 at 2015 11:12 AM

PFC Jason Jackson — Sat, 28 Nov 2015 11:12:49 -0500

My Drill Sgt, who was about 5'9, got right up on this guy, who had at least 150 lbs on him, and told him "QUIT BREATHIN LIKE A LITTLE BITCH!"

Response by SPC Rory J. Mattheisen made Dec 19 at 2015 12:19 AM

SPC Rory J. Mattheisen — Sat, 19 Dec 2015 00:19:40 -0500

While in AIT my Sr Drill asked another "Pri" If he woke up stupid or decided that was the way to be when he rolled out his rack!!! The whole bay busted out laughing!

Response by SFC Pete Kain made Jan 4 at 2016 6:02 PM

SFC Pete Kain — Mon, 04 Jan 2016 18:02:43 -0500

Spread out, 5 meters apart or one ass chewing will get you all. Said in a field chow line.

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 6 at 2016 12:25 PM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 06 Jan 2016 12:25:29 -0500

My DSL at drill sergeant school told us that if we were at the bar or club and were about to get into a fight to just drop down on the ground and do the thigh stretch from PRT.

Response by SPC Rob Robinson made Jan 8 at 2016 5:23 PM

SPC Rob Robinson — Fri, 08 Jan 2016 17:23:19 -0500

We had just received green uniforms, boots and haircuts. We knew nothing of the Army accept that if a DI came into the barracks you were to stand at attention. Out of the corner of my eye I SSGT Askew silhouetted in the doorway of our barracks. I jumped up and yelled, "ATTENTION!" There ensued a lot of scrambling and then a deadly silence as Askew walked around the barracks, eyeballing everyone for a long time.

Standing in the middle of the barracks he yelled, "Any of you men think you can kick my ass?" Askew was 6' tall and weighed 260, hard as a rock, and the thought never crossed my mind.

An old boy from Louisiana said, "Yeah, I think I can kick your ass."

Askew walked slowly over to him and, nose-to-nose, eyeballed him for two minutes. Then, jabbing the Private in the chest he said, "You are a squad leader."

Response by PO3 Ryan MartinFurlong made Jan 12 at 2016 5:48 PM

PO3 Ryan MartinFurlong — Tue, 12 Jan 2016 17:48:23 -0500

Ok so RTC Great Lakes 2007. Our Chief tells one of the recruits that he has a heart shaped box of chocolates and he wants the recruit to go ask AT2 to be his valentine. Mind you, AT2 was the OOD for the evening. We were on the 3rd deck in ship 10. I swear I could hear him yelling from the 1st deck at this recruit all the way back to our compartment. He proceeded IT him for about 2 hours. We all had to try not to laugh for fear of being punished as well. About every 10 minutes AT2 would ask "So. Who's your favorite petty officer"?!! This guy kept on saying "You! Petty Officer"! Kid ended up getting a 15 minute phone call for not breaking. It was pretty entertaining.

Response by SFC Pete Kain made Jan 12 at 2016 6:02 PM

SFC Pete Kain — Tue, 12 Jan 2016 18:02:25 -0500

You three, half of you follow me. Much confusion ensued.

Response by SSgt Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 12 at 2016 6:37 PM

SSgt Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 12 Jan 2016 18:37:18 -0500

Right after pt -

"You guys don't have much time so you better get ready fast. If I go in there and you're still in the showers... ooh I swear there's gonna be a train wreck and I'LL BE THE THE CABOOSE!!!"

Same TI -

TI - "Who in here's married?"
*Amn Miller raises hand*
TI - "No shit, Miller? Alright, who's got kids?"
*Amn Miller raises hand*
TI - "Holy freaking hell! Are you sh*ting me? I swear Miller, if I die and and I'm not married and have kids I'm gonna come back as a bird, I'm gonna sh*t on your car, sh*t on your house, sh*t on your wife, and I'm gonna sh*t on your head."

Response by SPC Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 12 at 2016 7:03 PM

SPC Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 12 Jan 2016 19:03:10 -0500

DS "private ______"
Soldier "coming drill sergeant"
DS "Coming drill sergeant? The only person who screams coming drill sergeant is my wife and she's at home!"

Response by PO2 Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 12 at 2016 8:05 PM

PO2 Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 12 Jan 2016 20:05:06 -0500

"Shut your mouth when you're talking to me, recruit!"

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 13 at 2016 1:57 AM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 13 Jan 2016 01:57:00 -0500

This one was good:

120th AG Reception, May 10th, 2010:
We were in medical being handed our jackets, and the SSG up front was a female, pretty commanding voice, and the instructions were simple: Pri'ates, when I call your name, say moving SSG, and come and get your shit.

We must have had an HR guy go nuts with our platoon, but here goes nothing. Private Bon...bone....Private Boner"...silly giggles from her pronouncing the dudes name wrong (Private Bonier was pronounced Bone Yay being from the Bayou). She looks at the next one and says, you gotta be shitting me...Private Cox!. Some more laughter from the whole room and watching her crack up. She looks at the next folder and promptly drops the stack to walk outside. We could see her doubled over in stitches from laughing so hard and she didnt want to lose her bearing in front of us. She comes back in, regains her composure, and then with the straightest face she could muster, "Private DICK!"....loses it all over again and walks away. The entire room is losing their shit as well, we had a good laugh over it.

One of our reception Drill Sergeants: Who here is a human resources 42A MOS? Couple of hands were raised out of the riot of laughter going on. "F*CK YOU!" And just walks out...to promptly continue laughing.

The HR guys got their jabs in our platoon for sure.

Response by PFC Kelly Drewrey made Jan 13 at 2016 4:28 PM

PFC Kelly Drewrey — Wed, 13 Jan 2016 16:28:20 -0500

Holy Crap, the drill in the background with the air born patch was one of Delta 35th's company drill sergeants when I was in basic at Ft. Leonardwood. I think he was 3rd platoon. DS Aho was my senior. Man I wish I could remember his name.

Response by SSG Carl Keene made Jan 14 at 2016 3:01 PM

SSG Carl Keene — Thu, 14 Jan 2016 15:01:34 -0500

"Happier than a punk in a fag factory". Obviously said prior to political corectness leaked ints way into Basic.

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Mar 22 at 2016 12:01 PM

SSG Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 22 Mar 2016 12:01:58 -0400

this is my second entry in this. Drill Sgt came up to me in ranks and put his hat under mine into my forehead and asked "who shaved you this morning, Ray Fu#$%ng Charles? I did not laugh or smile. Later on, I laughed as my squad was laughing as they retold it.

Response by SSG Gabriel Galindo made Apr 18 at 2016 5:35 PM

SSG Gabriel Galindo — Mon, 18 Apr 2016 17:35:03 -0400

I'm sure that there were a lot of things that I don't recall, but one that stuck and got all of us dropped when we laughed, was when a DS got into the face of a Private that just kept messing up. "What's the matter with you?! I swear you have a GT of room temperature!"

Response by SFC Fred Muller made Apr 18 at 2016 9:45 PM

SFC Fred Muller — Mon, 18 Apr 2016 21:45:42 -0400

Where u from boy? The south drill sgt. Where in the south? South jersey drill sgt!!!! Get down and knock out 20!!!!! That's not the south!

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 22 at 2016 10:17 AM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 22 Apr 2016 10:17:47 -0400

My DSL at drill sergeant school told us all while we were learning PRT that if we were ever out at the bar or club and were about to get in a fight, to drop down on the floor and do the thigh stretch. Guarantee you win the fight. We all laughed pretty hard at that one.

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Aug 27 at 2016 12:40 PM

SSG Private RallyPoint Member — Sat, 27 Aug 2016 12:40:21 -0400

Not sure if it was the funniest thing I ever heard a Drill Sergeant say but certainly the first one to come to mind:

We were in red phase and kept fucking up. The DS had had enough of our crap.

In front of the formation he told us:

"If you Soldiers can't get it right I'm going to take your guideon and roll it up like a friggin bloody tampon so everyone will know how messed up you are!"

Another time he "Dressed us up for Christmas"

This consisted of us wearing our uniforms as messed up as possible boots unbloused, some people with PT shirts, some weapons over our shoulders shotgun style, some people with tops unbuttoned, some belts undone, some people with dress green uniform pieces, pockets opened you get the point.

He then marched us around the Brigade footprint and let every DS in the Area smoke the dog piss out of us for our fucked up uniforms.

Response by PVT Private RallyPoint Member made Sep 19 at 2016 9:50 AM

PVT Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 19 Sep 2016 09:50:25 -0400

DS: "Your MOS is 15R?"
Private: "Yes drill sergeant"
DS: "Damn son, 75% of those parts will weigh more than your boney ass!"

Response by SSgt Boyd Welch made Sep 19 at 2016 10:50 AM

SSgt Boyd Welch — Mon, 19 Sep 2016 10:50:24 -0400

My first full day of boot camp. Marched to the mess hall at 5 am for breakfast. Had not eaten breakfast in years. I wan't hungry. My DI noticed me not eating and asked" What's the matter? Our food not good enough for you?" I mumbled something to the effect that I just wasn't hungry. He replied "Well you just need to work up an appetite! Get down and give me 50 pushups!!!!" I incredulously asked "50?" He said " Think of it as mind over matter! I don't mind and you don't matter!!!!" It wasn't funny at the time but now I laugh!

Response by SMSgt Lawrence McCarter made Sep 19 at 2016 1:15 PM

SMSgt Lawrence McCarter — Mon, 19 Sep 2016 13:15:05 -0400

He had a few expressions, One was " You GD donkey dicks " ! There was one little guy when he wanted him It was "come here You little Pee Pee" We had one trainee that had one stripe and He called Him "Otto" who was in charge when the Military Training Instructor wasn't there. Otto as You may know was the Sergeant's dog in the old Beetle Bailey. cartoons. He fired that one and called the next one Otto II. One morning Him came in with a lump on His head, statement was " hah, hah , GD bar stools are hard " . He was kind of entertaining.

Response by PFC Private RallyPoint Member made Sep 20 at 2016 12:49 PM

PFC Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 20 Sep 2016 12:49:23 -0400

While the platoon was eating in the DFAC a private was pointing at the food he wanted. The DS yanks him out of line and yells: "Private are you a T-Rex?
PVT: No, Drill SGT!
DS: Bullsh!t, I think you are the world's most fearsome predator and you better let everyone know so they can flee in terror!

Needless to say we all moved through the chow line to this Private yelling at the top of his lungs "RAAAH I'm a T-Rex, the worlds most fearsome predator!"

Response by Cadet PVT Private RallyPoint Member made Sep 23 at 2016 12:01 AM

Cadet PVT Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 23 Sep 2016 00:01:06 -0400

Come here you shit bird

Response by CPL Vada Harris made Dec 9 at 2016 6:50 PM

CPL Vada Harris — Fri, 09 Dec 2016 18:50:21 -0500

All I wanna see is assholes and elbows

Response by SPC Ricahrd Braun made Dec 15 at 2016 1:05 PM

SPC Ricahrd Braun — Thu, 15 Dec 2016 13:05:09 -0500

While we getting smoked the DS yells out "It's all mind over matter men.... I don't mind and you don't matter"

Response by MSG Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 17 at 2017 6:54 PM

MSG Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 17 Jan 2017 18:54:20 -0500

C-5-10, FT Leonard Wood, 1993. SSG Baxter-Koonz. All the other Drill Sergeants called her BK. One day, a Soldier had not really followed instructions and did their own thing. SSG BK ripped into this kid. Said to him "PVT, my name may be BK.....but you sure as shit ain't getting it your way."

Response by SFC George Smith made Jan 17 at 2017 7:02 PM

SFC George Smith — Tue, 17 Jan 2017 19:02:35 -0500

April, 1973 B/3/1 BCT... Ft Jackson SC...
I want you Low crawling and using your Nose to Plow the sand...
Boy you better not mis any more cigarette Butts...

Response by CPT Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 17 at 2017 7:06 PM

CPT Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 17 Jan 2017 19:06:18 -0500

"Beggs? With a name like that you'll never get laid!"

Response by LTC Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 17 at 2017 7:09 PM

LTC Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 17 Jan 2017 19:09:12 -0500

You are no good specialist Conway!

Response by CW2 Rob Janke made Jan 22 at 2017 6:24 PM

CW2 Rob Janke — Sun, 22 Jan 2017 18:24:54 -0500

Doing push-ups "Get your ass out of the air, you're not in the greek army!"

Response by GySgt Melissa Gravila made Jan 23 at 2017 6:32 PM

GySgt Melissa Gravila — Mon, 23 Jan 2017 18:32:04 -0500

When I was going through boot camp, we had a drill instructor, who was teaching us how to iron our commies. 30 years later, I can't tell you ANYTHING about anything else the other 2 D.I.s said, but to this day, every time I iron anything, I hear her voice in my head saying "circular motion, pull it tight now ladies, circular motion, use your arm push on the iron, small circles to start- then go big"

Response by SrA Richard Crumley made Mar 23 at 2017 7:09 PM

SrA Richard Crumley — Thu, 23 Mar 2017 19:09:35 -0400

When my DS caught a guy in my flight licking his lips, he went over too him and said "Are you flirting with me son? If you wake him up you are going to have to put him back to sleep."

Response by SPC S Myers made Jul 11 at 2017 7:22 PM

SPC S Myers — Tue, 11 Jul 2017 19:22:22 -0400

Couple great ones from Benning.

DS: Out here, privates, due process is a bullet.

Platoon: silence
DS: Privates, did no one catch the John Wayne quote?
Platoon: silence
DS: (angrily slamming his fist on the desk) Privates, on your f***ing faces! Move! If you've never seen a John Wayne movie, you're a bunch of godd**n communists!"

DS: Ask your questions now before we get out in the field, Privates.

There's this dude who keeps asking questions every five seconds basically, asking for clarification each time DS says something.
DS: Alright, crackhead. Enough questions from you. Next question from someone else.
Platoon: Silence.
Pvt: Uhm, one more question, DS.

Without skipping a beat, DS lays this kid on his back and gets in his face. Whispering to screaming says, "Private, I told you no more questions. You ask me one more question or say one more word and I'll rip out your soul AND HANG IT ON MY F***ING WALL!"

DS was a brilliant man.

Response by SGT Mark Halmrast made Jul 15 at 2017 6:33 PM

SGT Mark Halmrast — Sat, 15 Jul 2017 18:33:30 -0400

Benning.
2100 hrs
DS to platoon: who has a driver's license?
Me: I do, Drill Sergeant
DS: There are two trucks out front that need to be washed.

Response by SGT John Stanford made Jul 15 at 2017 6:53 PM

SGT John Stanford — Sat, 15 Jul 2017 18:53:14 -0400

1975 Ft Jackson SC A-5-1 Tank Hill. We had recruits playing squad leaders with corporal arm bands. The one playing in our platoon wanted to impress the DS’s sitting on a porch and had us doing various PT functions. He didn’t like the way we did our set of push-ups and made it clear we had to do twenty more when he yelled for us to start. As I can recall the normal way to get us going was to shout “Ready! Count!” since we were already in the start position. This schmuck yells “On your feet!” Of the 50 or so people confused by this order only 3 of us stood up. I was the closest one to the idiot and he gets in my face and yells, “I said ON YOUR FEET!” I yell back “I AM ON MY FEET!” so he yells “THEN GET ON YOUR ASS!” So I sit down and the DS’s bust out laughing.

Response by SGT James Frazier made Jul 18 at 2017 9:45 AM

SGT James Frazier — Tue, 18 Jul 2017 09:45:19 -0400

I was a DS in the Reserves and my favorite Question to ask if a private messed up was, " What the F*ck, Did you eat a whole box of Dumb Dumb Doughnuts for breakfast ?"

Response by SN Private RallyPoint Member made Sep 10 at 2017 1:34 PM

SN Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 10 Sep 2017 13:34:18 -0400

If you did not brush your teeth or shave your face this morning, I will curb stomp you !

Response by SSG Joseph VanDyck made Sep 21 at 2017 10:57 PM

SSG Joseph VanDyck — Thu, 21 Sep 2017 22:57:51 -0400

"You're so bright, no wonder your daddy calls you Son." "Did you eat a big old bowl of dumbass for breakfast?"

Response by LCDR Private RallyPoint Member made Nov 1 at 2017 6:55 PM

LCDR Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 01 Nov 2017 18:55:20 -0400

Story 1: Pre-Chaplain Corps i was in ROTC to be a submarine officer, at Georgia Tech. We had upperclassmen and prior service running our "indoc", a week at Kings Bay. Simple, except there was little supervision. Our drill was taught by a prior USMC DI (SSG at the time) who was a junior or something at Georgia State. He was the "nice guy" to the upperclass MIDN, and just had us for drill. In teaching us the facing movements, step one of the "face" we had to shout "cock" and when bringing our heels together, "drive". So for a day, "cock, drive"! Day 2, "You've done good doing your facing, don't say the diddy anymore. Right, Face!" Sure enough, that one guy....."Cock!" SSG comes busting through the ranks, "Who yelled 'cock' in my formation!?"

Story 2: At ODS in Newport (fork and knife school, except after it'd been..."modified". it was actually harder that ROTC experience, there were real Red-ropes, or RDCs). Our MNCS, Mineman Senior Chief, "What the WTF"?

Story 3: Few years later after commissioning, I was with some Army DS's training some Cadets. Map reading day, and terrain recognition. You know, "you think you're here, see that hill? It's probably *point to map* that hill right there." I'm out in the middle of north Georgia with a Nat'l Guard SSG and about 10 Cadets. He reminds them, "Remember terrain recognition?" "Yes SSG." "Ok, you, go stand by that tall tree right over there. You with the map, go with him. Stop, that tree, there. Grab the tree. Now SHAKE IT! SHAKE THE TREE! HARDER! HARDER!!! STOP! Map-man, do you see the tree moving on the map?" *Looking everywhere on the map* "No, SSG!"

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 25 at 2018 1:57 AM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 25 Jan 2018 01:57:10 -0500

When my DS said to me in front of the troops after 3 weeks of being constipated...Private Matthews you are full of shit!

Response by SPC Private RallyPoint Member made Sep 21 at 2018 10:43 AM

SPC Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 21 Sep 2018 10:43:29 -0400

You have to be F'n me! You are so F'n pathetic! I swear you better never reproduce! The day you infect a girl with your sperm is the day this world if F'd! You C**** toilet.
My SDS to one of our less motivator privates lol

Response by SPC Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 20 at 2018 3:16 PM

SPC Private RallyPoint Member — Sat, 20 Oct 2018 15:16:17 -0400

I'm lazy eyed but I can control it, this is important to the story.

Summer of 18, yes I am fresh as a daisy, my Drill Sergeant walks through and goes to his office. At this point we're all cool with him so we go up and we're talking to him about some stuff. He sees me and my lazy eye which when I do not pay attention sometimes drifts off.

DS: Private....wtf is wrong with your eye?"

Me: I'm lazy eyed drill sergeant.

DS: No shit you cock eyed fuck.

Entire bay starts laughing including myself. Fort Benning, Sand Hell baby.

Response by SGT Bobby Floyd made Jan 7 at 2019 9:35 PM

SGT Bobby Floyd — Mon, 07 Jan 2019 21:35:59 -0500

In drill sgt school 1/2 my platoon was infantry so we made these bird calls “call of the blue falcon” when standing in formation for no reason. One day I didn’t see this short drill sergeant leader in front of formation and I let out a loud blue falcon call when he knocked people out of the way and threatened to kick me out if he ever heard it again

Response by SPC David Dougherty made Jan 12 at 2019 8:36 PM

SPC David Dougherty — Sat, 12 Jan 2019 20:36:00 -0500

Robots need oil. Soldiers need water!

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Sep 17 at 2019 7:33 PM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 17 Sep 2019 19:33:13 -0400

Best one I ever heard was shortly after shortly after I graduated DSS as a reservist I was sent to Sand Hill Ft. Benning for my annual training to work with the Drills there. I got assigned to 3rd Plt of the BCT unit. Just in time for field training. We had one pvt. who just could not get through the 3 - 5 sec rush, high crawl, low crawl course because he kept his posterior in the air. I kept correcting him and resending him to the start. Recruit gets to high crawl portion again for the fifth time and yes ass in the air. Before I could say anything the CO who was prior enlisted and Drill Sergeant comes running out of the tree line yelling “Pvt if you don’t get your ass out of the air then I’m gonna fu-k it.” I couldn’t say anything just turned away and tried to hide the laughter.
Side note I was a 19K tanker working with the Infantry so for me it was an experience in comedy

Response by PFC Ian DeGraff made Sep 17 at 2019 9:31 PM

PFC Ian DeGraff — Tue, 17 Sep 2019 21:31:25 -0400

"FLUSH" with an arrow pointing downwards. Written on the back of an unflushed urinal (yuck) using a can of unsecured shaving cream during a barracks inspection.

"CONTAMINATED AREA CLEAN ME UP!" Written on the floor in a pool of unsecured laundry detergerent during same.

Response by SSG Roland Shelton made Sep 19 at 2019 11:48 AM

SSG Roland Shelton — Thu, 19 Sep 2019 11:48:09 -0400

This story was told to me by a friend I'm an experience he had during basic training.
Write off he was identified as being the only Southerner in the company so his drill sergeant gave him the name Gomer Pyle. Of course the drill sergeant relayed that information to all the other drill sergeants in the company.
One day his drill sergeant summoned him to his office. The drill sergeant said I forgot my Smokey Bear hat and left it in my car. My car is a yellow Volkswagen beetle you will find my hat on the passenger seat go get that for me.
So my friend goes to the parking lot, and you couldn't believe his eyes. Sure enough there were two Volkswagen beetles both yellow sitting side by side with a drill sergeant hat on each passenger seat.
My friend looked at each trying to figure out which Beatle was his drill sergeant's car. Figuring he was screwed no matter which hat he retrieved he chose one and took it back to his drill sergeant. The drill sergeant carefully examining the hat slowly looked up at my friend and said this is not my hat! Another drill sergeant who is in the office I said let me see that hat. He carefully examined it and looked at my friend and said what the hell are you doing with my hat and did you break into my car to get it? After being chewed out for several minutes and advised show the crime of breaking and entering and unlawfully possessing his hat, my friend was instructed to take the hat back to the car place the hat exactly where it was. His drill sergeant instructed him to retrieve his hat.

Response by SPC Rick LaBonte made Sep 19 at 2019 12:08 PM

SPC Rick LaBonte — Thu, 19 Sep 2019 12:08:13 -0400

89, Ft Dix. My DS’ favorite line was “You must be a Burger King soldier because you want to have it your way!”

Response by SPC Private RallyPoint Member made Sep 19 at 2019 12:53 PM

SPC Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 19 Sep 2019 12:53:23 -0400

*privates standing at the ready line*

DS walks right up into my bunk mates face and does a air “haduken” while screaming it at the top of his lungs. That was the only reason we were called to ready line

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Sep 19 at 2019 6:51 PM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 19 Sep 2019 18:51:20 -0400

I was in AIT and overheard this guy infront of me talking about he did whatever he wants....

PVT: yea I basically just did whatever I want.
DS walks by and over hears him
DS: I don’t see that, I don’t see you doing whatever you want.
PVT: DS no I was talking about....
DS: it looks like you eat whatever you want though.

Response by Private RallyPoint Member made Sep 19 at 2019 7:54 PM

Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 19 Sep 2019 19:54:03 -0400

Me: *alligator crawling around company area because a drill sergeant told me to*

Some other DS: Why are you crawling around my company?

Me: Because I'm a moron Drill Sergeant.

DS: Huh, okay. Sounds like you learned the lesson. Get up.

Response by SPC Mike Southworth made Sep 19 at 2019 11:18 PM

SPC Mike Southworth — Thu, 19 Sep 2019 23:18:38 -0400

DS at Banning to me, Southworth, are you deaf or fucking retarded?
Me, no DS, I'm immune.
DS, Wtf?
Me, you can't say or do anything to me I haven't heard on a daily basis at home.
DS, are you immune to pushing?
Me, no DS
DS, just fucking push.

Fast forward 2 years, DS was now my platoon daddy, wanted to know if I was still immune

Response by PFC Anthony Krouse made Sep 20 at 2019 1:57 AM

PFC Anthony Krouse — Fri, 20 Sep 2019 01:57:31 -0400

I went to basic at ft. Leonard wood, we were issued pt uniforms, black/yellow, gold reversible shirts. Black shorts. Long story short, most of the time we wore black side out. One day they wanted yellow/gold side out. One guy had a peace sign drawn on his shirt. (About 2 in hes in diameter. Up by his neck.) A drill sgt. Saw it and says, " what the fuck is that on your pt uniform? A peace sign?
Do you know what peace means? It means there's no war. No war means there's no Army. If there's no Army, I don't have a job. If I don't have a job, I don't get paid. If I don't get paid, I cant buy food. If i cant but food, my daughter can't eat. DO YOU WANT MY DAUGHTER TO STARVE?!?

Response by MSG Michael Kissamitakis made Sep 20 at 2019 3:40 AM

MSG Michael Kissamitakis — Fri, 20 Sep 2019 03:40:38 -0400

DS: I only have two things for you today - a hard time and bubble gum, and I’m totally out of bubble gum.

Response by SSgt Rodney Calloway made Sep 20 at 2019 9:15 PM

SSgt Rodney Calloway — Fri, 20 Sep 2019 21:15:33 -0400

We had a recruit who was the kind that stood with his mouth open all the time. Therefore, we called him “mouth breather.” He couldn’t polish a boot to save his life, so he decided to paint his boots with edge dressing before inspection. When our instructor saw it, he, surprisingly, calmly told the recruit to step inside his wall locker and shut the door. He said “Hey dumbass! Can you sing?” “Yes sir!” The instructor pulled a quarter out of his pocket, slid it through the vent, and said “SING ME A SONG M***********!!!”

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Sep 20 at 2019 9:58 PM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 20 Sep 2019 21:58:35 -0400

Basic training 2002 Ft. Knox.

DS is breaking us up into our platoons and he gets to what I thought was someone who had a name close to mine. DS yells for Mathis, well mine is Mattis so I don’t move. He proceeds to yell it two more times. Well on the third time one of the other DSs walks in front of me and says “what you don’t know your own f$@&ing name?” Without skipping a beat looming straight ahead while at parade rest I replied “ that’s not my f$&@ing name DS”. Next thing I know I am getting brimmed, picked up my bags and moved out with a quickness.

Response by A1C Private RallyPoint Member made Sep 21 at 2019 8:57 AM

A1C Private RallyPoint Member — Sat, 21 Sep 2019 08:57:16 -0400

Air Force BMT. Trainee couldn’t keep his cover while marching in formation. Supposed to have 4 elements.

MTI: Trainee Smith, is your real name Bruce Willis?

Trainee: No sir!

MTI: Then why the hell are you in the fifth element.

Not the funniest joke but the only time that specific MTI made any sort of humor the entire time there.

Response by SPC Jim Urton made Sep 21 at 2019 4:23 PM

SPC Jim Urton — Sat, 21 Sep 2019 16:23:22 -0400

Had a recruit refer to our drill Sargent as “Sargent Smith”. Drill Sargent screams at him, “Since when are we on a first name basis? It’s DRILL SARGENT.”

Response by SPC Private RallyPoint Member made Sep 22 at 2019 10:05 AM

SPC Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 22 Sep 2019 10:05:00 -0400

After our 15k ds green the meanest female ds ever asked who’s hurt joking around I said my feet hurt and mind you it’s dark and you can’t see anyone’s faces she with out missing a beat says shut the fuck up padgett

Response by SGT Troy Hightower made Oct 2 at 2019 10:17 AM

SGT Troy Hightower — Wed, 02 Oct 2019 10:17:51 -0400

Fort Leonardwood, MO, Dding a PT run in formation near Specker Barracks where the Marines live. We're on our right side of the road as we're running, same thing for the formation of Marines we're running past. Marine formation leader calls out "Look to my right and what to I see, a bunch of Army dogs running past me." Drill Sgt Csapo, (who is normally a smart-ass), yells out "We're on your left dumb-ass!"

Response by CPT Patrick Butler made Oct 7 at 2019 12:22 AM

CPT Patrick Butler — Mon, 07 Oct 2019 00:22:27 -0400

Senior Drill had a platoon meeting in Basic during the 70s and sort of explained that they unchain SSG Baltazar at the start of the each cycle, funny like a cartoon picture in your mind but at the time you could almost believe it as he whooped on your a$$ for 8 weeks straight. He had to go somewheres in between!

Response by SN Robbie Malone made Oct 10 at 2019 8:07 AM

SN Robbie Malone — Thu, 10 Oct 2019 08:07:07 -0400

When, i was in basic training my company commanders told us about the our rifles, she called it a piece and explained that this was the only piece we would ever going to have.

Response by SGT Leibo Raibstein-Peralta made Oct 10 at 2019 8:13 AM

SGT Leibo Raibstein-Peralta — Thu, 10 Oct 2019 08:13:51 -0400

DS: Son did you shave today?
ME: Yes DS, I shaved first thing this morning.
DS: Then why do you already have a five o’clock shadow?
ME: Very advance hormones.
All six DS were laughing and then I was made to carry a razor & shave cream in my BDU cargo pocket.

Response by SrA Tracy Leviner made Oct 19 at 2019 1:25 PM

SrA Tracy Leviner — Sat, 19 Oct 2019 13:25:10 -0400

I did 4 years active duty Army in the 80's before I did Air Force Reserve in the early 2000's . Anyway , when I was going through basic in Ft Bliss , Texas , one of the Drills were hammering a redheaded private . The Drill asked twice where the kid was from and he said California Drill Sergeant and the Drill responded twice no your not . The Drill asked a third time and the private goes Mars Drill Sergeant that is where I got the red hair ! The Drill hollars Droppp ! We all almost died !

Response by SPC Richard Zacke made Oct 19 at 2019 7:41 PM

SPC Richard Zacke — Sat, 19 Oct 2019 19:41:40 -0400

Way back in 78' we had a soldier that decided he was done with basic and the Army after only two weeks in. He pulled a Jamie Farr (Mash) and pissed off the DS who promptly put him on latrine duty, now this was at Ft. Lenardwood Mo. and the latrine toilets were right out in the middle of the damn room 12 of them no walls or doors you sit and sh*t in front of everyone. The soldiers name was Osbourne and he lived in the local area near Kansas City, Mo. Well he cleaned all those toilets sparkling clean but under the lid of one he wiped a finger full of peanut butter (don't ask where he got it because we don't know). The DS was inspecting each one when he came to that one and he yelled out "OSBOURNE!!!" Ossi ran up and said "yes Drill Sargent!!" DS said what the hell is this pointing at the PB. Ossi said sorry sir I missed a spot and reached out and wiped it off with his finger and then stuck it in his mouth and sucked it clean. The DS was our junior DS and very quickley dropped the lid and doubled over. We don't know what happened to Osbourne but we never saw him again.

Response by SrA Ronald Moore made Oct 30 at 2019 12:33 AM

SrA Ronald Moore — Wed, 30 Oct 2019 00:33:41 -0400

I believe He was called a "TI " And He said,After we had been studying this manual we had to carry everywhere and read, : " Some of You will go Immediately to The Front" You will be going to " Turkey" there to support them.War us immient,etc,etc.(And when he say he had put wonder,and eye was big and round wow ,I just got here off the bus,He Told Us it was a Propaganda Class.If we had been paying attention to our manuals we would had saw that was next.

Response by SGT Tal Wick made Nov 10 at 2019 7:40 AM

SGT Tal Wick — Sun, 10 Nov 2019 07:40:25 -0500

This wasn't from the Drill Sergeant but he invoked the conversation.
Drill to PFC in AIT in response to "You can't smoke a rock, Drill Sergeant!"
Drill: Drop, start pushing.
PFC: How long, Drill Sergeant?
Drill: Forever.
PFC: Starts counting while pushing "One Ever.... Two Ever..... Three Ever..... Four Ever." (Then proceeds to return to position of attention)
Company and Drills break out in laughter, Except original Drill Sergeant. He just walks away.

Response by SGT Thomas Seward made Nov 10 at 2019 1:55 PM

SGT Thomas Seward — Sun, 10 Nov 2019 13:55:23 -0500

You want to throw rocks private? Then you pick that rock up and throw it as far as you can, then run down there and catch it! Don’t you let that rock hit the ground!

Response by SGT Thomas Seward made Nov 10 at 2019 1:58 PM

SGT Thomas Seward — Sun, 10 Nov 2019 13:58:39 -0500

While going through the chow line... you take what she gives you! You don’t have time to taste it anyway, just put it in your mouth, you can taste it later! Now get the hell out of my mess hall!

Response by SPC Richard Zacke made Nov 19 at 2019 12:09 AM

SPC Richard Zacke — Tue, 19 Nov 2019 00:09:04 -0500

Ft. Lenard Wood, Mo July 11, 1978 and only 45 minutes off the bus the DS had just chewed out another newbe but I had already raised my hand to ask a question but put it down during the ass chewing. The DS looked straight at me and yelled "what the F*CK do you want.?" As I was stumbling around with trying to say never mind he got right in my face and yelled (while spitting) "just spit that regurgitated shit out and say what the F*CK you think you know private dumbass!!" I asked if we could smoke he turned a deeper color of red and walked away saying nothing. About 30 minutes later he yelled out "smoke em if you got em except for private dumbass who will start running around that track!!" I asked how many laps? he said "Till I get very F*CKING tiered. Needless to say that day one really sucked because he did'nt get tiered for well over an hour, thank God I was on the cross country team in high school.

Response by SPC Tommy Dean made Nov 19 at 2019 12:48 PM

SPC Tommy Dean — Tue, 19 Nov 2019 12:48:52 -0500

DS Scott told me that he would kick my ass until his knee cap caught fire.

Response by SGT Paul Melonas made Nov 22 at 2019 2:38 PM

SGT Paul Melonas — Fri, 22 Nov 2019 14:38:52 -0500

Way back in the day I passed by a WAC basic training company doing push ups during PT.
The WAC D.I. bellowed out, "there is a mile of cock on this base and you bitches ain't getting one inch until you do your push ups.

Response by Sgt Heriberto Salinas made Dec 2 at 2019 7:09 PM

Sgt Heriberto Salinas — Mon, 02 Dec 2019 19:09:55 -0500

We had a tech Sargent explain to us what an NCO'S "dress blue" hat meant and an officer's hat meant. He ended by saying that the white stripe around the rim of a full bird colonel's hat was just "bird shit".

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Dec 7 at 2019 6:34 PM

SSG Private RallyPoint Member — Sat, 07 Dec 2019 18:34:10 -0500

"Fuckin sub-zero"

Response by SP5 William Sells made Dec 12 at 2019 8:28 AM

SP5 William Sells — Thu, 12 Dec 2019 08:28:32 -0500

So Drill Sergeant had a question in class on metric conversion of meters to inches to determine velocity of M-16 Rifles. He said anyone here know how many inches in a meter??? No one knew! Except me of course! I stood up and He said well?? 39.37 Inches Drill Sergeant! He said are you certain of that figure? I said Yes Sir! He said Sit Down Mr ASA Spock!

Response by CPT William Hoh made Jan 5 at 2020 11:10 PM

CPT William Hoh — Sun, 05 Jan 2020 23:10:51 -0500

I've never heard a DI say anything funny, but I have seen one cry when I had to tell him that his two-year-old baby girl had cancer. Worst day of my life as a physician. But not near as bad as his. And his family.

Spoiler: his baby girl was fine after treatment, which was a miracle. Thank you Jesus.

Response by PO2 Lawrence Janiec made Jan 9 at 2020 2:31 AM

PO2 Lawrence Janiec — Thu, 09 Jan 2020 02:31:41 -0500

I posted this in the other one, but this was just funny, so it belongs here.

There was a kid in our company who wanted to be a BM (Boatswain's Mate) which is pretty much the same as being infantry in the Army (sorry if it's a poor comparison). Anyway, this drill instructor was yelling at him and was like YOU'RE GOING TO WIND UP A BOATSWAIN'S MATE, AREN'T YOU, RECRUIT?!? Yes, sir, I am! DON'T YOU FUCK WITH ME RECRUIT!!! No, sir, I really am. WHY IN THE FUCK DO YOU WANT TO BE A BOATSWAIN'S MATE?!? Because Boatswain's Mates get to drive boats, sir! (sort of a stunned silence, and then) Uhhhh carry on, recruit.

Response by CWO3 Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 16 at 2020 3:30 PM

CWO3 Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 16 Jan 2020 15:30:43 -0500

Not much laughter in boot camp in 78. Old timers from past have worse tales - from tents to Quonset huts. Night march in 58.

Response by SGT Kevin Fox made Jan 17 at 2020 8:35 AM

SGT Kevin Fox — Fri, 17 Jan 2020 08:35:24 -0500

When I enlisted my dad told me NEVER volunteer for anything. Did I listen, nope. About the 3rd or 4th day of basic, the drill sergeant asked the formation if anyone knew how to drive a truck and I and another guy put our hands up. We ended up pushing wheel barrels and picking up leaves.

Response by SPC Richard Zacke made Jan 18 at 2020 8:45 PM

SPC Richard Zacke — Sat, 18 Jan 2020 20:45:20 -0500

Hurry up and wait!!!

Response by PO2 Michael Henry made Jan 19 at 2020 12:59 AM

PO2 Michael Henry — Sun, 19 Jan 2020 00:59:22 -0500

I was in the navy and about 4 weeks into basic, one of our RDCs noticed that the actual name of one of the recruits was "Mike Hunt." Now imagine him asking out loud "has anyone seen "Mike Hunt" and there are 80+ recruits trying to maintain a straight face the whole time. That was the hardest thing I had to endure in the navy for if we broke, we got dropped. He congratulated us and gave a few minutes to get it out of our system.

By some miracle, if you don't know what I am referring to...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VjnpqFXuNzc

Porky's Mike Hunt Prank!! Funny!! Enjoy!!

If you Like this Clip, Please go to Amazon and Buy the Complete Movie on Amazon. It's Funny as Heck!!... https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B000O76ZNU/ref=ox_sc_...

Response by LCpl Michael Cappello made Jan 20 at 2020 12:12 AM

LCpl Michael Cappello — Mon, 20 Jan 2020 00:12:42 -0500

At ease, forming up after chow. Recruit was putting on Chap-Stick. DI comes up and asks: Ever heard of the "Big Green Weenie" Pvt. ? I'll bet your recruiter promised you a "Genuine 18" hand carved ivory dildo." Now put that shit away before you give everyone around here a friggin hard on.

Response by LTC Charles Lauderdale made Jan 20 at 2020 12:48 AM

LTC Charles Lauderdale — Mon, 20 Jan 2020 00:48:23 -0500

Senior Drill Sergeant during basic training had a very special name he used for all trainees. One that even if we wanted to we could not repeat to our families while telling war stories when around our families/civilians. One afternoon at the retreat formation the drill sergeant bellows; "Attention to orders you $#%^ )($*&^&. By direction of the Chief of Staff of the Army all trainees will be addressed by their rank and last name only, not cursed nor be exposed to foul language. The mess hall and stockade hereafter are designated as the dining facility and correctional facility. All you $#%^ )($*&^& understand these orders?"

Response by MSG Christopher Otto made Jan 28 at 2020 3:34 PM

MSG Christopher Otto — Tue, 28 Jan 2020 15:34:16 -0500

How many of you have viewed DS Hy? Look up Angry Cops on YouTube, it is hilarious!

Response by MSG Chuck Pewsey made Feb 2 at 2020 6:56 PM

MSG Chuck Pewsey — Sun, 02 Feb 2020 18:56:54 -0500

we had a DI as supply sergeant. Told us once a recruit pissed him off so much he gave him a thousand pushups. He carried a notebook with him and every time he saw the guy, he'd drop him for as many as he could pump out and write the number in his notebook. Guy got to a thousand before then end of basic.

Response by MSgt John Ragland made Feb 10 at 2020 1:30 AM

MSgt John Ragland — Mon, 10 Feb 2020 01:30:26 -0500

“I got tits and I got an ass, don’t call me Sir”

Response by SP5 Cam Garcia made Feb 23 at 2020 8:36 AM

SP5 Cam Garcia — Sun, 23 Feb 2020 08:36:49 -0500

"Garcia" I'm going to Fxxk you in the Ass if you don't keep on running to the gas mask range!....

Response by SSG Michael Doolittle made Mar 1 at 2020 11:20 PM

SSG Michael Doolittle — Sun, 01 Mar 2020 23:20:33 -0500

Take your left arm around the back of your head and grab your right ear, now take your right arm around the front of your face and grab your left ear, now with a slow turning twisting motion, pull your head out of your ass.....

Response by SPC Mark Stevens made Mar 2 at 2020 1:15 AM

SPC Mark Stevens — Mon, 02 Mar 2020 01:15:24 -0500

During Basic, it was, "Dont play games with me, private! I ain't no Monopoly set!"

Response by CPL Private RallyPoint Member made Mar 2 at 2020 12:58 PM

CPL Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 02 Mar 2020 12:58:57 -0500

My drill sergeant asked us trainee why did you join the United States army my response was to serve my country drill sergeant he replied with a really firm Noooo! And then proceeded to look around and all of the rest of the soldiers our formation and tell us why we really join the army his words were soldier's do you know why you joined the army you join the army to die but that's okay because when you do die we're going to put on a really nice dress blues they're going to fire some guns for you your family's going to get a nice flag and a chunk of change but the best part is your wife is finally going to get to marry that guy she's been f****** whole time you were here!

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Mar 3 at 2020 7:48 PM

SSG Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 03 Mar 2020 19:48:09 -0500

We had a female in our BCT (A Co. 3/60th Fort Jackson, SC February 2009) got caught with a Male in the stairwell .. **ehem** performing fellatio. All of the males and females were toe the line at 2 am in our platoon bay which means the males from the other platoon had to wake up and go to thier platoon bay with their females. Well not only did this female get called out in front of the whole platoon - she tried to get away with having a tongue ring in her mouth.

I still chuckle about this 11 years later.

Response by MSgt Brian Williams made Mar 4 at 2020 4:19 PM

MSgt Brian Williams — Wed, 04 Mar 2020 16:19:11 -0500

While drilling, the guy next to me was having trouble telling his left from his right. The TI is in his face screaming about how stupid he was. He finally calms down and says, I'm going to help you with your left and right. He went over and picked up something from the ground. He said to hold out your left hand. "This is a Texas sex stone. Do you know what that is?" The kid says no. "IT'S A FUCKING ROCK!" I lost it. The TI screams at me, "Did you laugh? You better not have laughed." I said no sir, I coughed.

Response by CDR Jim Pack made Mar 7 at 2020 1:43 PM

CDR Jim Pack — Sat, 07 Mar 2020 13:43:13 -0500

CDR Jim Pack I was in the drill team in collage and during an inspection the CO told one of my fellow team members that his shoe sine looked like S**t. The reply was "Sorry Sir I can't do anything about the reflection." We all ran for an extra few "extra" laps around the field for that one.

Response by SPC Heath Hansen made Mar 8 at 2020 10:44 PM

SPC Heath Hansen — Sun, 08 Mar 2020 22:44:17 -0400

PVT Johnson, not doing anything in particular, just standing at attention, looking nasty as fuck.

Drill Sergeant walks over, observes the Private, and crisply states:

“Johnson, your momma shoulda swallowed you.”

Response by CPT William Arsenault made Mar 12 at 2020 9:16 AM

CPT William Arsenault — Thu, 12 Mar 2020 09:16:16 -0400

DS: something funny?

Me: no drill sergeant!

( in the most southern of southern black accent and inflection ) warmly said.
DS: how about I jump over this rail drop kick your raggedy ass!

Response by CPL Matthew Smith made Mar 21 at 2020 6:46 PM

CPL Matthew Smith — Sat, 21 Mar 2020 18:46:12 -0400

Ft Ord Jan 1973 Army changed the rules no longer needed to shave your head. DS call us out for formation, introduces to are new DS, he was huge you know that cartoon with the bulldog that’s a sergeant,look just like him. Marches down to barber read the new regulation on hair cuts. Then he says “ but I prefer it shaved”. Every head was shaved, DS marches us back to barracks dismisss us. We never saw him again!

Response by CPL D Malone made Mar 27 at 2020 1:48 PM

CPL D Malone — Fri, 27 Mar 2020 13:48:55 -0400

Early 1990's, I witnessed the best punishment ever. Occurred at FT. Sill. A private had irritated the DS, who then decided to have the private stand at Attention, do one push-up stand and yelled out: "ONE DRILL SGT, I'M A CANNON COCKER!" Take one step, do two push-up's, stood at attention, and yelled out: "TWO DRILL SGT. I'M A CANNON COCKER!" Repeated the process until he got to 10. Drill SGT. then asked the private, to state the number of total push-up's he did. The private stood there for a min and could not count how many total push-up's he did total. Drill SGT. made him repeat the process... In total I think the poor private did around 140 push-ups.

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 9 at 2020 3:39 PM

SSG Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 09 Apr 2020 15:39:31 -0400

"She's not your mother I am!"
Advice: Dont do what I did and respond sarcastically. "But DS you told me you have a dick?" BC then has to grant your pass

Response by PO3 Gerardo Toranzo Alfaro made Apr 14 at 2020 12:29 PM

PO3 Gerardo Toranzo Alfaro — Tue, 14 Apr 2020 12:29:24 -0400

I was one of those that entered the delayed entry program at the end of the Bush Administration in 92. I was in boot camp the following summer in Great Lakes. We were in formation, apparently our company commander said I was eyeballing him, he proceeded to ask me, "Are you part of Bill's new navy?" I was like WTF did he just ask? I didn't get til later when we were back in the barracks one of my shipmates told me about Clinton's don't ask don't tell policy.

Response by Sgt Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 23 at 2020 11:18 AM

Sgt Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 23 Apr 2020 11:18:51 -0400

During an "O-Dark-Thirty" march to the chow hall at Parris Island, the sand fleas were heavily swarming. The drill instructor halts us in the middle of the road, and shouts, "READY, SCRATCH!" We had an entire 30 seconds to scratch! I have told that story many times over the years!