What is your advice to newly married couples facing their first deployment away from each other?

ENS Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 07 Aug 2016 04:12:52 -0400

Also, please feel free to respond with that you and your spouse did to help strengthen your relationship while on deployment.

Response by PO1 Tony Holland made Aug 7 at 2016 4:16 AM

PO1 Tony Holland — Sun, 07 Aug 2016 04:16:02 -0400

Make sure your spouse is involved with the wives club if there is one -- mine wouldn't and it ultimately cost me a marriage. Of course, she should have all the appropriate contact info and a limited power of attorney. Of course it is much easier to stay in contact nowadays --- back then we only had the MARS network and shore-based telephones.

Response by SN Kevin Neff made Aug 7 at 2016 4:36 AM

SN Kevin Neff — Sun, 07 Aug 2016 04:36:24 -0400

I'd like to know as well. PO1 Tony Holland that sucks. I knew a couple of people who went through the same thing.

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Aug 7 at 2016 6:38 AM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 07 Aug 2016 06:38:01 -0400

As often as possible stay in touch. Everyone naturally assumes the obvious phone calls, FaceTime, email, etc. I pre-ordered flowers for special occasions, gave money to a friend of ours and had her take the kids shopping for her birthday and mother's day so they could buy something for her from them, hid 30 different messages around the house in places she could find like:
her winter coat (it was summer when I left and she found it mid-tour)
under the mouse pad
in the battery compartment of the remote control
in a coffee mug
in the very bottom of the sugar container
really just about anywhere.

This was her favorite as she didn't know when she was going to find a message. Good luck.

Response by CAPT Kevin B. made Aug 7 at 2016 8:29 AM

CAPT Kevin B. — Sun, 07 Aug 2016 08:29:21 -0400

Recognize the spouse is the Ground Commander back home so let him/her get on with it and don't Monday Morning Quarterback it when you get home. Deployment changes both, so you just can't pick up where you left off. There's a new normal to be created. Enjoy the discovery.

I'm not too sure about the constant communication thing. It can be very distracting as you're more than busy. You wind up trying to manage two locations, and being human, will muck both up. I grew up on snail mail, when there was something that could actually get it to me. I finished with Skype. My take is most MILs have too much of an umbilical cord. Sure some will disagree, but unless you've had the continuum I had, it's hard to understand.

Response by COL David Turk made Aug 7 at 2016 8:42 AM

COL David Turk — Sun, 07 Aug 2016 08:42:08 -0400

1. Communicate as often as possible during deployment.
2. List "at home" responsibilities (e.g., bill paying) of deploying member, and review with non-deploying member (for coverage).
3. Establish emergency repsonse plan for various scenarios (e.g., accident, unexpected large expense, non-local family emergency). Doesn't have to be elaborate.
4. Find local contacts for support.
5. Have pertinent paperwork in a known location (e.g., wills, marriage certificate, birth certificates).

Response by WO1 Private RallyPoint Member made Aug 7 at 2016 9:00 AM

WO1 Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 07 Aug 2016 09:00:50 -0400

Talk to each other. Never do something out of spite. Biggest one, don't argue over something as small as Money. I married my wife and two weeks later, I left for 12 months in Korea. It will always be difficult, but it is never impossible, in this day and age, to go without talking to one another for long periods of time.

Response by CPT Jack Durish made Aug 7 at 2016 9:56 AM

CPT Jack Durish — Sun, 07 Aug 2016 09:56:03 -0400

Be honest with each other. ...and with yourselves. Love will endure. Lust won't. That's not really advice. Just a statement of fact. Accept it. I didn't and ended up in a marriage that ultimately failed with far more pain than had I faced reality in the beginning

Response by Lt Col Jim Coe made Aug 7 at 2016 10:40 AM

Lt Col Jim Coe — Sun, 07 Aug 2016 10:40:41 -0400

Here's some ideas:
-Communicate often: leverage technology to do this to the extent command policies and security allow
-Figure out the finances before you go. Make sure spouse left behind understands financial position and is willing to take responsibility for financial management. Make sure the deploying spouse understands his or her allocation of the family budget during deployment.
-Be faithful to your marriage vows: both partners, all the time, all places. What happens TDY or on deployment really won't remain TDY or on deployment
-Don't bring home anything you spouse can't eat, drink, or wear

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Response by LTC Private RallyPoint Member made Aug 7 at 2016 11:18 AM

LTC Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 07 Aug 2016 11:18:44 -0400

We had been married for about 5 months when I deployed AND she was pregnant. I think our greatest strength was that we set realistic expectations for each other and we really just tried to "be present" for each other and not let each other become the recipients of the frustrations created in our respective worlds. It is always the little things that were appreciated most. I read books to our unborn son. I enlisted her friends and family to keep her engaged. We made the most of technology...watched movies at the same time.

From a financial standpoint, we went into a barebones budget 6 months before I deployed. I prepaid the bills, taxes. The cars were serviced. We made an efund and talked through the worst case scenarios.

My wife would say, don't go to bed angry...
I would say share bad news in real time whenever possible.

In the end, we grew. She became more independent. I learned to share responsibility. When our son arrived, everything became harder and more important. Our honeymoon phase was cut short, but what we got in exchange was more precious than words.

Response by LTC Stephen C. made Aug 7 at 2016 11:32 AM

LTC Stephen C. — Sun, 07 Aug 2016 11:32:51 -0400

I have no advice ENS Private RallyPoint Member, but I like the photo and, believe it or not, there's history behind it! Here is a photograph by world famous photographer Alfred Eisenstaedt that portrays an American sailor kissing a woman in a white dress on Victory over Japan Day (V-J Day) in Times Square in New York City, on August 14, 1945. The photograph was published a week later in Life magazine and is one of the most iconic and most well recognized photographs ever taken.
I'm almost positive that many American sailors have this photo in mind (perhaps subconsciously) when saying goodbye (or hello) before (or after) a deployment.

Response by CPL Jessica Martinez made Aug 7 at 2016 1:54 PM

CPL Jessica Martinez — Sun, 07 Aug 2016 13:54:20 -0400

my main advice would be to stay positive and be patient

Response by CPT Richard Riley made Aug 7 at 2016 3:01 PM

CPT Richard Riley — Sun, 07 Aug 2016 15:01:19 -0400

Others have said it - COMMUNICATION open and honest is the key to many other solutions. Is it difficult, yes, is it impossible, NO. Remember the reason you both said "I do", stay true to that, and be honest with each other every step of the way.

Response by SCPO Private RallyPoint Member made Aug 7 at 2016 3:07 PM

SCPO Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 07 Aug 2016 15:07:52 -0400

A lot of good info for deployments. I'll just add some specifics for replying on a ship.

1. Make sure she has met the Ombudsman and is on the mailing list.
2. Your options for communicating underway are email and maybe phone calls(depending on the command policy). Make sure she understands there may be times she won't hear from you for up to a week or more at a time. This is why it's important to have contact with the ombudsman.
3. Your days underway can become Groundhog Day. Make sure she understands you appreciate the news from home even though there won't be much coming from your end.
4. You should have a fairly good idea of the ports you will pull into. Set up a code system to talk about these visits (i.e. Substitute U.S. cites for the port name) figure out a way to communicate dates as well.
5. When I would pull in I would at least try to video chat with my wife the first and last day inport.
6. A nice way to break up a deployment if your finances can support is have her fly out and meet you for one of the port visit. This is where that code system comes in real handy.

Response by SPC Amy Phillips made Aug 9 at 2016 9:09 AM

SPC Amy Phillips — Tue, 09 Aug 2016 09:09:27 -0400

My biggest advice, now is NOT the time to go find a boyfriend/girlfriend on the side. If Someone wants to do that, as many for some reason do, then they should have never gotten married in the first place. Now then, if your heart is in the right place, then my next advice is,

Write, write, write! People might laugh at snailmail these days cause of all the technology, but I thought it was good for us. Of course this was back in 2000. First hubby was in White Sands for what seemed liked forever, then Korea, then 6th months later with 3rd ID in Iraq. He was gone a lot those 2.5 years and we had had a baby within the first year of marriage *found out 2 months after our wedding* We also took lots of pictures, and still have them after all these years.

we've been on the other side. He was the spouse, I was the soldier cause I was the one gone and hubby was the one home with the kids. Although mine wasn't nearly as long, because 2 herniated disks in BCT was cause a medical discharge

Response by PO2 Charity Keller made Dec 25 at 2021 4:28 PM

PO2 Charity Keller — Sat, 25 Dec 2021 16:28:22 -0500

Today deployments are so much easier than they were when I was in. Set a day of the week that no matter what you check in with each other; if one of you will not be able to be there then leave a message or have a mate be there for the call. This way you have something to look forward to and you both know how the other is doing.