What's the funniest thing you heard come out of a leaders mouth? (warning - may not be G-rated)

2015-08-13T11:53:19-04:00

For me it was in a briefing with my commander. He had just returned from an ass chewing by the Wing/CC concerning a problem on a high-vis project. He called all flight chiefs together to put together an action plan. He was a pretty straight laced professional type. He started with a comment that took me completely off guard: "I just got my ass chewed so hard I'm going to have to go to the bus stop and offer blowjobs for a quarter to get my self-esteem back".
So what have you heard that made your jaw drop.

Response by Capt Seid Waddell made Aug 13 at 2015 11:58 AM

2015-08-13T11:58:26-04:00

We set up targets on our land test ranges at Eglin to rehearse for the Son Tay POW rescue raid. It was to be a joint operation with AF and Navy, and the friendlies were to come in from the gulf to bomb the targets and Thuds were to simulate the opposing Migs.

Range Safety demanded that we mark the targets with target cloth "X"s to prevent strikes on adjacent ranges by pilots unfamiliar with the ranges. Unfortunately, the pretty white "X's made tempting targets for FACs firing WP rockets on the ranges in the days leading up to the joint operation, and they were burned up.

We couldn't locate replacement target cloth, and Range Safety threatened to call off the operation if the targets were not marked.

The General in charge of the operation informed us that there WOULD be white "X's on the ranges the next day - made from our white bodies if target cloth could not be found.

Somehow my wheeler-dealer NCO managed to find the target cloth (from where I have no idea) and had it on the ranges before first light the day of the operation.

Response by LTC Private RallyPoint Member made Aug 13 at 2015 12:08 PM

2015-08-13T12:08:35-04:00

Back to the days of the cold war… Inter-German border defense Fulda Gap.

I was the fire support officer to a Divisional Cavalry Squadron assigned a mission on the border. The USAREUR commander (and staff) were reviewing the border mission, the staff of each element went to their primary location along the border and the USARER staff trooped from one location to the next to receive an operations brief.

We were waiting the arrival of the commander and his entourage, our Squadron Commander and the CSM were standing together with the S3, while the rest of us stood about 20 feet away. It’s a cold misty morning in Germany, when a jeep pulls up to our position. Out steps a lanky old Colonel, (11th ARC commander) he looks at the gaggle of junior officers and says “If you don’t love this shit, you gotta be queer!” We all stood there, not knowing how to respond/react.

Response by 1SG Private RallyPoint Member made Aug 13 at 2015 1:03 PM

2015-08-13T13:03:29-04:00

I was in the turret of an M-1114 when we came under small arms fire.
The TC, a Major, gets real excited.
He shouts out an order "Kill them!"
"Kill who?" I say. I didn't see a target I could identify. It came from somewhere in a nearby Wadi, but I was watching our six o'clock.
"Them! Kill them 'til they're dead!"

I fired a few rounds, but I was laughing about that order for most of the day. I still get a good laugh every time I tell that story.

Response by MSG Private RallyPoint Member made Aug 13 at 2015 1:13 PM

2015-08-13T13:13:47-04:00

My old platoon sgt when I was in the Engineers to one of my buddies..."You don't have the balls God gave a gopher."

Response by CMSgt Mark Schubert made Aug 13 at 2015 1:18 PM

2015-08-13T13:18:20-04:00

Our CC was giving our Sat evening formation brief on the eve of daylight savings time switch - in the fall - so clocks went back an hour - meaning 1 extra hour of sleep! So he made it crystal clear that NOBODY should be late for 0715 formation in the morning - and - if you were, you would be filling sandbags all morning. Sure enough, there was only one person missing in the morning formation - the CC!!! I called him @ 0700 hoping he was close because he was usually there by 7 - and - I woke him up! Needless to say, he was true to his word and went to fill sandbags - by himself! It was hilarious!

Response by SSG Warren Swan made Aug 13 at 2015 1:24 PM

2015-08-13T13:24:47-04:00

I know where we're at....

Response by SSgt Private RallyPoint Member made Aug 13 at 2015 1:32 PM

2015-08-13T13:32:40-04:00

"I just got my ass chewed so hard I'm going to have to go to the bus stop and offer blowjobs for a quarter to get my self-esteem back".

I have to write that one down.

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Aug 13 at 2015 1:44 PM

2015-08-13T13:44:55-04:00

A friend of mine told me this tale when he was in the Army.

He and his squad was in Desert Storm at some nearby town in Iraq. They were on some patrol when some local caused some trouble to warrant their attention. So the squad chases them through out the town so that they finally catch the guy. The guy says, in bad english...'Who are you?!'

The squad leader looks at the guy straight in the eyes and replies back to the question in the most dark and gravelly voice ever...

'I'm Batman.'

The squad couldn't keep a straight face, and burst out laughing.

Response by MSG Private RallyPoint Member made Aug 13 at 2015 1:56 PM

2015-08-13T13:56:35-04:00

Bieng assined to a two star hqtrs, drill and ceremony was just about forgotten. When we required be in change of comman pass and review, practice was in order. An ltc was leading and was doing ok with his commands unti he could not .remember "halt". So he yelled out Hippity hop, all troops stop.

Response by LTC Private RallyPoint Member made Aug 13 at 2015 2:35 PM

2015-08-13T14:35:04-04:00

I was evaluating a field artillery unit ARTEP at Camp Drum. It’s about 1630 on a beautiful day in July. I am with the forward observers where I can follow the activity on the radio. I ask what are they shooting next, the reply was coordinated illumination. A coordinated illumination mission is where the observers adjust artillery fire under the illumination of artillery fired flares.

I am perplexed… how can one fire this mission when it’s still daylight?

I drove to the battalion TOC where I encountered the DIVARTY XO. The XO (a LTC) ask me what I am up to, I respond that I am checking in to see what missions are coming up. He says we are shooting the coordinated illumination. How can you do that when it’s not dark enough to adjust the illum? He put his arm around my shoulder and said; “Now captain, due to the curvature of the earth and the slant angle of the sun it’s darker in the impact area than it is here”.