What's your best marriage / relationship advice?

2021-02-10T10:59:35-05:00

It's not a secret that marriage and relationships in the military face a number of unique challenges. How do you strengthen your relationship? What advice do you have?

Response by SGT David A. 'Cowboy' Groth made Feb 10 at 2021 11:13 AM

2021-02-10T11:13:25-05:00

My wife and I have been married going on 41 years, we've had our ups and downs, but we worked on the problems and we're stronger for the work that we put into it RallyPoint Shared Content

Response by SFC Melvin Brandenburg made Feb 10 at 2021 11:17 AM

2021-02-10T11:17:11-05:00

Pain. Learn to suffer. Embrace the suck.

Response by TSgt George Rodriguez made Feb 10 at 2021 11:34 AM

2021-02-10T11:34:48-05:00

I married my wife who was also in the military. I had custody of 2 small babies from my 1st wife. She saw my need and was granted a discharge to marry me. My wife of 47+ years said it should be a requirement of wives to go thru a mini course of boot camp training before marrying a military man. That way they know what to expect.

Response by SSgt Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 10 at 2021 11:44 AM

2021-02-10T11:44:57-05:00

We set rules for fighting. What is considered below the belt (never hit below the belt), how to apologize after, how to talk through what set it off. One of our rules was never go to bed mad. So, early on in our marriage we greeted plenty of sunrises together.

30+ years later our fights, when they happen, last less than 5 minutes and is usually triggered by outside stressors that something one of us did finally trips the scale.

Date nights! Being married is no excuse to no longer court your spouse!

The 5 Love Languages. Get the book. Read it *for yourself*!!! Learn to speak in a language your spouse speaks. (Quality Time? Acts of Service? Gifts? Touch? Words of Affirmation?)

Response by LTJG Robert M. made Feb 10 at 2021 11:52 AM

2021-02-10T11:52:04-05:00

33 years married, it takes 100%from both sides, communication, transparency and honesty are The foundations. No your/mine of anything - it’s now all ours.

Response by SPC Elijah J. Henry, MBA made Feb 10 at 2021 12:22 PM

2021-02-10T12:22:49-05:00

Don't marry the first woman who will go on a date with you. (A mistake I made)
Don't marry a stripper. (A much more common mistake that I have not made)

Get a prenup. I didn't believe in them, because I didn't believe in starting a marriage with the possibility of divorce in mind. Then my wife (who also supposedly didn't believe in divorce) left me. We've generally worked things out pretty well, but I have realized that a prenup is the only protection a man has against the anti-husband/father family courts.

Response by CWO3 Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 10 at 2021 12:24 PM

2021-02-10T12:24:26-05:00

It's cheaper to keep her. 40 years here.

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made Feb 10 at 2021 12:42 PM

2021-02-10T12:42:11-05:00

Go to marriage seminars.

Sit down and have a meeting of the minds and discuss:

- This is how I feel and think.
- Tell me how you feel and think.
- These are the challenges to our marriage.
- This is how you are hurting me.
- How can I help you.
- Here are the ground rules when we argue.

Response by Cpl Mark A. Morris made Feb 10 at 2021 1:58 PM

2021-02-10T13:58:21-05:00

I witnessed quite a few young men get married on active duty and their marriage failed. So, I waited to get married when I could afford it.
It’s odd I feel broke all the time now. But I’m building equity and I love being around my wife and children

Response by CPT Jack Durish made Feb 10 at 2021 3:05 PM

2021-02-10T15:05:49-05:00

Never ever marry the woman who sent you two "Dear Johns"

Response by Lt Col Scott Shuttleworth made Feb 10 at 2021 3:17 PM

2021-02-10T15:17:05-05:00

Several things...
1.) For us our religion plays a major role nd we have always put God first and each other second.
2.) Never leave each other without saying I love you and meaning it!
3.) Always be open and honest...I mean brutally honest...we have had some frank decisions...she will tell me well you screwed that up and I will tell her the same.
4.) Encourage and lift each other up daily. A man can't walk a mile in a womans shoes and neither can she walk a mile in a man's...know each others strengths and weaknesses. Lift up your partner and pick up in their weaknesses and carry the torch and they will do the same for you.
5.) Never go to bed mad...all it does is stew and you wake up angry. We have had some long nights and watched the sun come up before but we settled it.
6.) Never say anything in anger...once it is out there it is out there and it cannot be taken back and sometimes those wounds don't heal or it takes a very long time...know your limits and sometimes it is better to walk away, cool off, collect your thoughts and then reengage.
7.) Do the little unexpected things...occasionally do the laundry, run the vacuum, do the dishes, if you cook then cook dinner, go on surprise dates, plan an unexpected get away weekend...little things matter.
8.) Stay faithful to each other. Little innocent lunches, drinks after work etc can turn ugly real quick...just don't go there. Advice I got from an old Chief when I was first married...If you feel you are tempted, turn your @$$ around and run like the wind...don't say goodbye, don't say I'll text you later, don't say anything...just run home to your spouse.
9.) Make your spouse feel like they are the most important thing in the world to you.
10.) Laugh at each other and for each other...anger just breeds more anger. When my wife used to get mad at me, I would do this crazy simulated pole dance and strip tease (with my clothes on) and she couldn't help but to start laughing.
11.) Don't go crying to momma and daddy when things get rough because they will...money, cars, kids, dogs religion etc. you will fight over something...those folks that say they have never had a fight or argument with their spouse are well, hear me clearly, ARE LYING!!! It will happen but handle your business in your own home...don't drag parents, friends acquaintances etc into it...unless it gets physical, then call the cops if you have to.

Just love each other and only each other in that way. Enjoy the ride...marriage is great when you find the right person...my wife is absolutely my best friend in the entire world and I couldn't imagine taking this life's journey without her.

Response by SSgt Mike Hogan made Feb 10 at 2021 5:04 PM

2021-02-10T17:04:20-05:00

Communications. It’s not always pleasant, keep it civil. Remember she’s your partner, not your mother or housekeeper. Compromise. The rest is all just trial and error.

Response by SSG Dale London made Feb 10 at 2021 7:13 PM

2021-02-10T19:13:53-05:00

This is something I deal with a lot. My best advice is this: you need to agree that the marriage is more important than either party individually and commit to making it work. This requires communication, cooperation, commitment and integrity (my C3I of marriage). There is a lot more that could be said but this sums it up pretty well without diving into the weeds.

By the way - my wife and I have been doing this for 33 years and we're still going strong.

Response by Maj John Bell made Feb 10 at 2021 9:33 PM

2021-02-10T21:33:00-05:00

Everybody has offered some very sweet and sound advice. Now here's the straight skinny. No BS. On days you have to go to the gas chamber for a mask check, don't make her wash your utilities.

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 10 at 2021 9:42 PM

2021-02-10T21:42:30-05:00

My advice is to be honest with each other and realistic about your expectations. Marriage is work and marriage in the military is even more work. Deployments and separation can take its toll on relationships. When time gets tough remember to love your spouse and if you're going to cheat (it happens) be respectful about it. Divorce is not an option.

Response by CSM Darieus ZaGara made Feb 12 at 2021 6:21 AM

2021-02-12T06:21:56-05:00

We have to realize we are not always right. Everything in a marriage has to be a shared decision. Each party has to bend to the will of the other. At some point you will find a synergy, in which you think so much alike that you instinctively do what you and your spouse would have decided together. Each spouse has to be willing to sacrifice something to the other. He who gives in a marriage will receive. It took me about 38 years to figure this out. Why she hung in there I do not know, but I am great full. If you get this earlier, you will have a blissful marriage. Lastly remember that there will always be mountains, just like Soldier's they are easier to climb together.

Response by COL Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 12 at 2021 9:31 AM

2021-02-12T09:31:20-05:00

A lot of thoughtful and carefully crafted answers...working on year 32 here and keeping it strong, but as was said earlier it is work...I will try to add to the good advice already provided without reiterating and from a woman's point of view.
1. I don't think we would still be married if he had not had military experience, he got out and I went in....the first time I came home from the field soaked, ticked and literally dragging almost 100lbs of wet gear he opened the front door to me laughing and hollared "good Army training!" which let me laugh too...then that became our mantra for the "mess ups" beyond our control. And absolutely follow Maj John Bell 's advice and clean up after yourself...not your spouse's job.
2. Set expectations early and know they will change...much like the ground rules for discussions already mentioned but lost expectations can also lead to divorce. What church will you attend or religion will you follow? How many beers are you going to drink each night? Where do you want to live when you get out? How are you going to take care of aging parents, siblings, special needs family members? How do you want to live (ie isolated small cabin or middle of the metropolitan)? We had in our heads early in marriage one child of each gender and suburban home....but then we had 2 lovely daughters and I got pregnant after a deployment with a daughter with special needs and again with our youngest son. The special needs caused us to completely burn all our expectations of the future to the ground and start all over....but we had built a foundation that withstood that and were able to completely rebuild (with God and friends and family) a new life expectation.
3. How are you going to agree to spend your money? I was shocked no-one had really addressed this one yet. MONEY disagreement is the #1 cause of divorce in America. We ended up with 2 separate joint accounts and split up the bills. Others have found other innovative solutions that worked for them. How and when do you invest and what do you invest in? do you get a financial planner? How do you determine life insurance (not pleased with Army's offer at retirement=we decided to go private)? How do you save? What are your plans for long term care/retirement? In TAP class they told me if I had invest $200 a paycheck from the moment I came in I would have retired a millionaire...that advice came waaaayyyy too late.
4. With money as #1, you guessed it #2 is lack of commitment which leads to lack of intimacy and infidelity (some research separate committment/intimacy and infedlity but these are all ONE problem in reality- one leads to the other). The night before our marriage after the wedding rehearsal Bill and I were sitting quietly and both of us were overwhelmed by thoughts of the next day and he tried to joke "well there is always divorce" and I hit the roof....short story my last line to him that night was "if you truly believe that then don't show up tomorrow" (did not slam the door on my way out though, was very quietly shut). Marriage was the 2nd ultimate commitment in my life to me; the first being my commitment to God, both completely tied together in my heart and soul. Love is a Decision, not a feeling. If you even THINK about another person other than your spouse in romantic/intimate/deep friendship, GET marriage counseling immediately. Don't wait until the intersection collision - stop at the stop sign.
5. Marriage counseling BEFORE the problems start (to include premarital counseling) is always BEST, but don't fear/reject/or discount it during and after problems....and if one party asks for it then be "ALL IN"

and while there is more I will stop with this:
BEFORE marriage and during marriage = language counts
If you curse and yell before then there will be cursing and yelling after the marriage ceremony/contract.
Language and tone and volume are the keys to communication = if it is kind, loving and respectful then very few things are unresolvable

Response by Sgt Dale Briggs made Feb 12 at 2021 9:30 PM

2021-02-12T21:30:13-05:00

Be honest, always. Pretty simple, 40 years this November.

Response by LT John Stevens made Mar 5 at 2021 9:27 AM

2021-03-05T09:27:06-05:00

My wife and I have now been married 48 years. To me, the most important thing is to understand one another's expectations -- their needs, wants, and fears. Once you both understand those, then "negotiate" with each other on how best to satisfy both of you. Marriage is a lifelong project, it requires continuous work and care to succeed.

Response by COL Kelly Hines made Mar 5 at 2021 5:47 PM

2021-03-05T17:47:01-05:00

Made it through 28 years of marriage in the Army (hit 30 this year). Feels like 5: communicate, find things you both like doing, and above all else, your spouse should be your best friend hands down.

Response by SGM Private RallyPoint Member made Mar 9 at 2021 12:16 AM

2021-03-09T00:16:49-05:00

If you went in and were already married, most of the rules of married military life should have been already in place (late hours, deployments, duties such as CQ, Staff Duty etc moving every few years). If you married after, and your spouse isn't ready for moving away from home, and the aforementioned rules weren't expected or explained, then it presents a different problem...eg: "you didn't tell me we were going to move around etc". I believe a thorough briefing by a reputable source and I cringe to say "recruiter" but that SHOULD be the source, can be the most beneficial.

Response by Sgt Stephen Brown made Mar 13 at 2021 4:26 PM

2021-03-13T16:26:33-05:00

Marriage has never been or will it ever be easy. Something that is lacking in society to and works with anyone. The ability to forgive and forget. Let bygones be bygones and don’t bring up past disagreements.

Response by SSgt Tim Stearns made Apr 17 at 2021 10:17 AM

2021-04-17T10:17:15-04:00

Remember that in marriage two become one, so that what you do to your spouse, you do to yourself.

Response by LCDR Janiski Xuknowski made Feb 17 at 2022 12:33 PM

2022-02-17T12:33:33-05:00

Start with a 5-hr premarital counseling with a good chaplain, for free (leaders recon). Start compiling AARs to figure out top reasons why 50% of first marriages failed by 20_yrs, especially in the military (Intel estimate). See doc to get effective birth control (ORM for a known risk factor of young horny kids, whom I looked into their eyes when I delivered their babies). Learn about basic finance and investment; marriages won't work if you not financially competible or sustainable; never mind your zodiac signs. Treat divorce like a cancer; what would you do to mitigate the risk today and every day?