What's your best "military-related joke" or "amusing military story?"

2013-11-29T14:29:58-05:00

We all know that when it comes to military jokes and amazing stories, military folk have corned the market; some are old classic and some are more recent, but one thing's for certain, there's some real gems out there... so, what's your best joke or "sea story?" It could be on the topic of one of your sister services (a little light ribbing is ok of course, we're all family here), or perhaps a classic yarn about a "brand spankin' new" Lieutenant or "salty" old Chief, maybe even a humorous or entertaining story passed down through the generations.  Written descriptions, photos, links, slideshows, videos, etc. are all welcome, whatever way you have to tell your story or joke is absolutely ok, just have one basic rule here, let's try to keep it within the bounds of good taste; so, put on your thinking caps folks, and let's have some fun here... I know this'll be a great time; thank you for all that your do, and... see you all in the discussion threads!! 

Response by SFC Michael Boulanger made Nov 29 at 2013 2:56 PM

2013-11-29T14:56:28-05:00

There was a group of Officers stationed in Germany and they decided to take leave and travel across Germany on the train and visit a historic area. The Officers arrived the train station and each one approached the ticket counter and purchased their own ticket. While waiting for the train they saw a group of NCOs arrive and only one of them approached the ticket counter and purchased a ticket. The officers were in wonderment and talked about the NCOs and were trying to figure out what they were up to. The train arrived and the Officers and all of the NCOs boarded the train. After a few minutes of the train departing the conductor was making his way through the cars checking tickets. The NCOs, noticing the conductor approaching, get up and run into the bathroom. The conductor checked all of the Officers' tickets then moves to the back of the car ang knocks on the bathroom door and says "Ticket please". A ticket them appeared from under the door and the conductor checked it and slid it back under the door and moved on to the next car. The Officers were amazed at the events that transpired and decided that upon their return they would utilize the same plan that the NCOs used.

A few days had passed and the Officers leave was ending and they arrived at the train station. Only one of the Officers approached the ticket booth and purchased a ticket and returned to his group. A few moments later the NCOs arrived at the train station and not one of them approached the ticket booth to purchase a ticket. The Officers were totally confused and could not figure out what the NCOs were up to. As the train arrived all of the Officers and all of the NCOs had boarded the train. After the train departed the station they noticed the conductor checking tickets and on their way to their car. The Officers and NCOs noticing this left their seats and rushed to the bathrooms except for one NCO. The Officers were in one bathroom and the NCOs were in the other. The remaining NCO approached the bathroom the Officers were in and knocked on the door and said "ticket please".

Response by CPT Private RallyPoint Member made Nov 30 at 2013 12:57 AM

2013-11-30T00:57:53-05:00

So two Nazis are walking down the road and run into a BAR!!!!

Some might not get this. You have to be a fan of John Browning.

Response by SSG Laureano Pabon made Nov 30 at 2013 11:09 AM

2013-11-30T11:09:22-05:00

(Story)

One day there was a field problem.

The soldiers had been on the field with out taking a shower or changing their under wears for a very long time.

Moral was low, because of this.

The 1st SGT was concern about the moral of his company since their was no water to take a shower.

the 1st SGT tries to come up with a solution so he goes to sleep that night.

The next morning, the 1st SGT brings the company to a formation.

(End of story)

1st SGT:" Company Atten Shunn!"

1st SGT: "At easy"

1st SGT: " I have some good news and some bad news"

1st SGT: "The good news is that we get to change under wears"

Unit: yells " YEAAAAAAAAAAAAhhhhhhhhhhhhh"

1st SGT: "The bad news is, 1st platoon, change under wears with 2nd platoon and 3rd platoon change under wears with 4th platoon".

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Dec 1 at 2013 2:34 PM

2013-12-01T14:34:44-05:00

<div id="post_message_173409" sizset="23" sizcache="1">A sailor in a bar leans
over to the guy next to him and says, ''Wanna hear a MARINE joke?'' The guy
next to him replies, ''Well, before you tell that joke, you should know
something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs, and I'm a MARINE. The guy sitting next to me is
6'2'' tall, weighs 225, and he's a MARINE. The fella next to him is 6'5'' tall,
weighs 250, and he's also a MARINE. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?''
 The sailor says, ''Nah, I don't want to have to explain it three
times.''</div>

Response by LTC Private RallyPoint Member made Dec 19 at 2013 11:49 AM

2013-12-19T11:49:08-05:00

Back when the Army was forcing discharged vets back in no matter how big they were, whenever someone was talking about how big they were I would say

"He can't be that big, he had his top off and the tag said it was a medium"

They wouldn't believe me

"Yeah, it was a Medium. There was a GP in front of it, not sure what that was about"

You kids may not get this joke but it KILLED back in the day.

Response by CPT Private RallyPoint Member made Dec 19 at 2013 12:47 PM

2013-12-19T12:47:05-05:00

God was out admiring his creation one day when he looked down upon a lake and saw an Army Ranger training in an assualt raft. As he moved closer, he could see the muscular Ranger propelling the craft at an amazing rate and chanting "Get the mission done! Get the mission done!" in time with the oar strokes.

God said "WOW! I created a truly amazing creature when I made the Army Ranger . . . but I wonder how he would perform if he was a little less intelligent?" So God removed half his brain and left.

The next morning, God returned to the lake to find the Ranger rowing away and chanting "Get the mission done! Get the mission done!"

"Incredible!" God said. "With half a brain he is STILL amazing! . . . but I wonder how he would do with no brain?" So God removed the other half.

The next morning, God returned to the lake and found him rowing away but now his cadance had changed, "From the halls of Montazuuuma, to the shores of Tripoliii!"

Response by 1SG Steven Stankovich made Jan 3 at 2014 2:37 PM

2014-01-03T14:37:37-05:00

An officer in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted an NCO below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The NCO below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude." "You must be an NCO ," said the officer. "I am," replied the NCO, "How did you know?" "Well," answered the officer, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is that I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip." The NCO below responded, "You must be an officer." "I am," replied the officer, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the NCO, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow it's my fault."

Response by SGT(P) Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 11 at 2014 9:55 PM

2014-02-11T21:55:52-05:00

So an 2LT and a SGT in his platoon were going TDY to another post. DTS in its infinite wisdom decided it was cheapest to travel by train. As the young soldiers are boarding their car, they can't help but notice a beautiful young woman and her grandmother climbing aboard. As they take their seats it turns out the the young lady is seated directly across from the SGT. They exchange a few flirtatious glances and smirks. Eventually the train goes into a rather long tunnel. A shuffle of feet was heard followed by a loud smooching sound, and the sound of a bare hand striking flesh. A second shuffle of feet follows and the train once again becomes lit. The grandmother thinks to herself, that NCO sure has some nerve to come up and kiss my granddaughter like that, I'm glad she has the decency to slap him for being too forward. The young lady thinks to herself, man that was the best kiss I ever had from such a cute man. It's an awful shame nana had to slap him like that. The LT thinks to himself, man that NCO is fearless, I just wish that broad had better aim and didn't hit me instead of him. The SGT sits back and thinks to himself, this is the best day of my life. Got to kiss the most beautiful girl I've ever seen, and i got to slap the daylights out of my LT!

Response by SPC Michael Hunt made Mar 23 at 2014 8:31 PM

2014-03-23T20:31:16-04:00

Back when Moses was a road guard, we used to have the newbs running all over the place trying to find grid squares and chem-lite batteries. Hilarious, good clean hazing.

Response by A1C Vj Schrader made Apr 2 at 2014 4:19 PM

2014-04-02T16:19:04-04:00

My personal favorite was in the movie The Dirty Dozen! Lee Marvin gave such a

great performance as their leader and the other cast members were at the top

of their game. Telly Savalis was great so was Charles Bronson and the rest of the

cast members such as Clint Howard and Jim Brown. One of my favorite movies of

all time!!

Response by TSgt Scott Hurley made Apr 29 at 2014 5:09 PM

2014-04-29T17:09:59-04:00

This joke I found in the VFW magazine May 2014 issue. Now those that have first hand knowledge of this will laugh.

Soon after being transferred to a new duty station, a Marine husband called home to tell his wife he would be late-again. He went on to say that dirty magazines had been discovered in the platoon's quarters and that they had to discipline the whole squad.

She launched into a tirade, arguing that many had pictures hanging in their quarters at our previous post, so his new platoon should not be penalized for something trivial.

The husband calmly listened to her gripes and then explained, "Dirty Magazines: the clips from their rifles had not been cleaned."

And here is another one.

Officers at a military installation were being lectured about a new computer.

The training officer said the computer was able to withstand nuclear and chemical attacks.

Suddenly, he saw that one of the officers had a cup of coffee and yell, "There will be no eating or drinking in this room! You'll have to get rid of that coffee."

The officer said meekly, "Sure, but why?"

"Because a coffee spill could ruin the keyboard."

Now split a gut....

Response by SSG Robin Rushlo made Apr 30 at 2014 7:31 AM

2014-04-30T07:31:30-04:00

I do not know if this is what you would consider a JOKE as it really happened.

Being at Fort Ord, DMMC in 1978 and I had 4 E4s that worked for me. We would get receipts for all property coming into or out of a unit. We had a new copy machine that had thermal paper which BURNED the image into the paper. I had sent a new just promoted to E4 to take the weekly receipts and BURN copies for the file.

So he took the weeks receipts (over 100) and took a BUTT can out into the street and started to BURN the receipts with his lighter.
I could not get very made or upset even though my boiling point was pass by 300 degrees. He was Just doing what I told him to burn COPIES. I NEVER USED THAT PHRASE AGAIN.

Response by SPC Charles Brown made May 3 at 2014 12:51 AM

2014-05-03T00:51:35-04:00

For me this question has the same answer as the question about what is your favorite cadence. They cannot be repeated in this era of political correctness. Oh, well, what can we do?

Response by SSgt Private RallyPoint Member made May 3 at 2014 1:05 AM

2014-05-03T01:05:39-04:00

I remember when Cable TV was just getting started (the part I remember) and congregating in the day room. This was in the Field Maintenance Dorm where we had the customary pool tables, ping pong tables and of course, a TV.

We had a guy who spent a lot of time in the day room and people would routinely ask what is on TV at a given time. He could tell you too and what channel and when?

So we called him, TV Guide.

I will remind you on the Horse Meat incident at another time.
One other thing though is that I had a shock, as it were, of red hair. So some people called me "flame" because I was a ginger. lol (we didn't have Youtube then).

I also head some things that I cannot repeat. Others like Opie Taylor and that guy from Mad Magazine!!! (Though he is better looking and more successful, he has his own gig),

Response by SGT Craig Northacker made May 3 at 2014 9:12 AM

2014-05-03T09:12:23-04:00

Back in my day FTA was a universal acronym describing a sexual activity with "The Army". One day we were climbing into the back of some deuce and a halfs and one of our young men scrawled FTA on our truck in chalk. An eagle eyed 2LT watched him doing this and yelled triumphantly "I got you-you're going on report!" The E-4 answered back "Why is that, sir?". The 2LT smugly answered that he knew what it meant, and the E-4 replied "Why are you putting me on report for Follow the Airborne?" We enjoyed a good laugh, but somehow the 2LT did not share our perspective, and disappeared to where ever 2LT's go when things like that happen.

Response by SGT Craig Northacker made May 3 at 2014 9:13 AM

2014-05-03T09:13:57-04:00

Our battalion XO would get exasperated with the young officers and describe them as "Idiots masquerading as officers!" I have applied his assessment and adapted it throughout my life because it was such a beautiful assessment.

Response by SGT Craig Northacker made May 3 at 2014 9:19 AM

2014-05-03T09:19:22-04:00

We had a battalion commander who had earned the distinction of overriding his FO on a fire mission and called in in on his own position hurting a lot of people.

Whenever he came into our company area I would yell "Incoming" as a cautionary note to anyone in our area. I learned that from my DI, who was reportedly shipped out of Viet Nam when he called in a fire mission when his battalion commander was coming in by chopper.

Response by SGT Craig Northacker made May 3 at 2014 9:26 AM

2014-05-03T09:26:28-04:00

One final story - a friend of mine was a COL, and he related a story about when he was a young LT on his way to an intelligence post in a small German town during the Cold War. He was excited about being on the front lines of the cold war, but when he arrived the LT he was replacing told him to develop a hobby he liked. My friend, confused, asked why. He was told that when the other gent first came to the town in civilian clothes and an ardent desire to be the best intel officer ever, he got lost and asked a little old German lady where the street was. She answered "Oh, the American spy house? You can't miss it - next block down, 3rd house on the left!". He took up tennis after that.

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made May 3 at 2014 10:52 AM

2014-05-03T10:52:54-04:00

Sending the new PVT or LT to the LOG OFF or NCO for chemlight batteries and telling not to let supply tell them they do not have any.

Response by LTC Private RallyPoint Member made May 3 at 2014 11:13 AM

2014-05-03T11:13:34-04:00

This joke was told to me by an Army Chaplain whose father served in the Navy. It was told to me the week before the Army Navy Game a few years ago. I have retold it several times and even Sailors seem to like it:

Did you know that Jesus was for the Army and not the Navy? I know this because, when Jesus was offered the opportunity to ride in a Navy vessel in Galilee, he rejected the idea completely. He stepped out of the boat and chose to walk instead.

Response by PO2 Rocky Kleeger made May 3 at 2014 1:30 PM

2014-05-03T13:30:34-04:00

A bunch of brass decided to have an exercise to see how long it would take for each of the services to secure Pentagon.

The Air Force went first, it took 16 hours, and the Pentagon was completely secured.

The Army was next, it took 10 hours to completely secure the building.

Next, came the Marine Corps. It took 2 hours.

Last came the Navy...an E-3 went out to the door with a piece of paper, on it was written "Secured", and taped it to the door. It took 2 minutes...

Response by SrA Troy Barber made May 4 at 2014 12:18 PM

2014-05-04T12:18:08-04:00

I was visiting a friend who was a Chaplin (Full Bird Col) at Lackland AFB we were talking and heard the loudest yelling you could imagine. As we went to investigate there was a 2LT, fresh out of OTS, chewing an Airman still in BMTS a new one for not saluting. He ordered the Airman to salute him 100 times so he would never forget an officer again. As we watched this the Chaplin ask me if I wanted to have a little fun, of course I said yes. As the Airman was nearing 100, I followed the Col toward the 2LT and Airman, as we approached the Airman had just finished and noticed the Col and was starting to salute the Col and the 2LT was about to jump him when the Col spoke to the 2LT after the 2LT turned and saluted the Col, he reminded the LT that in the Customs and Courtesies that when receiving a salute unless your hands are full you must return it. The people riding by were staring hard at the LT saluting the Airman. Was a fun day.

Response by SGT John Schaphorst made May 4 at 2014 7:40 PM

2014-05-04T19:40:58-04:00

What is the difference between Boy Scouts and Marines?

Boy Scouts have adult supervision... :)

Response by LTC Herman Cohen made May 5 at 2014 7:49 AM

2014-05-05T07:49:28-04:00

At this risk of being banned from this site for obscentity, I'll share my favorite joke, but use a lot of asterisks to try to keep it clean.

There was a contest held to determine if anyone could come up with an intelligible sentence, using only variations of what we now call the "F" bomb. The winner was a motor pool SGT... when a Jeep (see how old the story is) was pushed into the garage, with oil dripping and the engine smoking, he opened the hood, and said "F***ing" F***ers F***ed!"

Made perfect sense and we all know what he meant.

Response by CPT Jason Torpy made May 5 at 2014 11:49 AM

2014-05-05T11:49:56-04:00

Punking the new guys is always a winner. A million ways to do it. The best, if you're brave enough, is to send the new guy out with chalk to check Top's HMMWV for rust spots - "Just put an X wherever it sounds hollow and we'll come by later to clean out the rust. Top is waiting though, so let him know as soon as you're done."

Response by SGT Eric Lorenz made Jun 13 at 2014 10:30 AM

2014-06-13T10:30:35-04:00

My favorite officer story was from jump school. We had an O-3 student CO who reported us in each morning for training. Unfortunately, he as also a stick leader and there was no possible way he could make it back to his stick in time to be inspected first so it was "Get on down, sir." every morning. He took it like the trooper he was.

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made Apr 23 at 2015 10:21 AM

2015-04-23T10:21:39-04:00

In Desert Storm our company slept in GP medium tents. We were trying to go to sleep when one tent had male soldiers screaming like girls because a huge camel spider ran into their tent. I was giggling as they were overturning cots and furniture trying to find this huge spider, with unrelenting screaming.

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made Apr 25 at 2015 9:23 PM

2015-04-25T21:23:10-04:00

This story is not scintillating nor will it be remembered, but I feel compelled to support your thread. I was in Kuwait in a heavy TF with my tank platoon. I was feeling pretty good as we trained on our maneuvering and it became instinctual. Bound bound and flank or bound bound an attack by fire or maneuver and fire from the last terrain feature that gave us cover and concealment.

One day we decided to train and left the camp or kabal. I was feeling pretty good and felt like a badass about the platoon. We parked our tanks and ate our MREs behind a large sand dune. I was on top of the turret munching away when I feel a tug on my boots.

An old goat herder and his 50 goats maneuvered into our platoon without being seen until I saw him. He was motioning a drinking motion so I gave him 4 liters of bottled water. I felt like an idiot as he meandered through the desert and disappeared.

Response by SrA Daniel Hunter made Apr 26 at 2015 12:14 AM

2015-04-26T00:14:21-04:00

The heat wafer on you MRE reads "Do Not Eat" because a Marine did.

Response by SPC Private RallyPoint Member made Aug 25 at 2015 7:33 PM

2015-08-25T19:33:46-04:00

A battalion of marines was on a beach doing a PT workout when the CO of the battalion looked up and saw a lone army ranger standing at attention at the top of a hill.
The CO was curious so he sent a marine up to see what was going on.
As the marine approached the ranger sprinted into the woods, and the marine followed. Yelling and screaming could be heard coming from the woods, seconds later the Ranger stepped out and stood back at attention.
The CO was still curious so he sent a squad up to investigate.
The ranger ran into the woods and after some yelling and screaming, came back out and stood at attention again.
Now the CO was angry so he sent an entire Platoon up to the top of the hill. The ranger ran into the woods.
He emerged moments later after some more yelling and screaming with no sign of the marines anywhere.
The CO had had enough, he sent the entire battalion of marines charging up the hill.
The ranger ran into the woods. More yelling and screaming and this time some gunfire. Finally, a terribly wounded marine crawled out of the woods and reported back to the CO.
The CO inquired "Do you mean to tell me that one army ranger destroyed an entire battalion of marines!?"
The marine replied "No sir, it was a trick. There were two of them.

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made Aug 26 at 2015 12:57 PM

2015-08-26T12:57:30-04:00

2 buddies and I played downed pilots and an aggressor patrol was looking for us. One kid who was a country boy said lets hide in a cow pen, they will never suspect us to hide there. Night fell and two Blackhawks flew overhead. The cows are getting agitated, and a pilot told us to hide under one bush, not separate bushes. The cows start stampeding like random molecules of air. We dodged them and hid under one large bush. As one helicopter starts to land, the noise and rotor wash causes another bovine stampede as we try to get into the helicopters without getting stomped on by large mammals.

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made Aug 30 at 2015 11:47 AM

2015-08-30T11:47:05-04:00

My wife and I talk about large purchases. She likes technology but it comes with a hefty price.

Response by MSgt Richard Rountree made May 9 at 2016 9:41 AM

2016-05-09T09:41:44-04:00

This was told to me by a command post operator who was working in the PAFB Command Post when this incident happened. In 1972, a FB-111A Aardvark landed at the nearby Clinton County Airport after the pilot mistook the runway for the airport as being the nearby Plattsburgh Air Force Base. The pilot didn't realize he had landed at the wrong airport until the end of the runway came up much sooner than he expected. After he got the aircraft stopped, the crew exited the plane and walked over to the operations building where a public pay phone was available. He put a dime in the pay phone and called the command post. A command post operator answered the phone and said, "Plattsburgh Command Post. I can't talk to you now, we've got a plane down." (click). It was the pilot's only dime. As Paul Harvey would have said, "So now you know the rest of the story."

Response by MSG Louis Alexander made Mar 25 at 2018 1:42 AM

2018-03-25T01:42:12-04:00

A SEAL Team met their fate aboard a training helicopter where they died and went to heaven.
Upon arriving at the pearly gates, they met Saint Peter. The team leader approached Saint Peter and asked; Saint Peter are there any Green Berets in heaven? Looking down at his feet, Saint Peter replied: No, they Go to a special place. Ecstatic there were no competition of elite groups in heaven, the Team shouted with Glee and congratulated themselves as they walked through the pearly gates into heaven. No sooner had they entered they witnessed an angel screaming past them with his gown aflame. Astounded by the sight of the angel, the Team shrugged it off as an unforeseen event. Moments later they heard gurgling noises coming from the edge of a building and
upon investigating they saw four angels lying head down and feet up as if they were being water boarded, again they thought nothing of it. As they continued their tour of heaven, they rounded a curve and witnessed eight angels kneeling with their hands zipped tied to their ankles and knap sacks covering their heads. From over the hill from where they were standing, they heard screaming and blood curdling yells and the cling clang of metal, no longer being able to resist what was happening, they rushed to the top of the hill and lo and behold, they saw a fifty-foot, sweaty, muscular, bare chested man cussing and kicking ass and taking names of hundreds of angels tossing and throwing them about like worn out rag dolls. This didn’t bother them. The one thing that struck fear in their heart was the giant was wearing a Green Beret. Distraught at what they had just witnessed, the SEAL Team raced back to the pearly gates and confronted Saint Peter. Saint Peter, Saint Peter we thought you said there were no Green Berets in heaven…looking once again to his feet in humbleness, Saint Peter shook his head and replied: There are no Green Berets in Heaven, what you saw was GOD! For GOD has always wanted to be a Green Beret. ;0)

Response by CPT Robert Boshears made Oct 6 at 2018 3:15 PM

2018-10-06T15:15:29-04:00

Ft. Benning OCS. Two men constantly complained... on a very long road March... I think 20 miles... here came their complaints. About that time, the chow truck was leaving... a cook asked if they wanted to ride back... the jumped in tha 2 1/2 and rode back. Not one thing was said, but on graduation day.... black piping on trousers, highly polished brass, we were marching to a theatre. The two men were stopped, handed Enlisted orders, and told if you can’t finish a road march, you can’t lead.