What should I do when my command is unempathetic towards my family needs?

SPC Dasan Toney — Mon, 17 May 2021 23:18:19 -0400

My wife is a high risk individual and soon to be mother in less than a month. I've tried telling them she doesn't have a DL and needs me for these. It keeps interfering with their schedule and honestly I think I'm gonna switch MOS, infantry has not treated my family well. I told my 1SG when he pulled me in his office that if it comes to the Unit or my family I will always choose them. Our new 1SG has had less than a week with us and already has one soldier under him AWOL. I need suggestions on what to do about maybe a reclass, or even how to deal with my current chain of command. Even the SGM of 2nd Brigade seems to side with this command. What do I do?

Response by SMSgt Bob W. made May 18 at 2021 12:26 AM

SMSgt Bob W. — Tue, 18 May 2021 00:26:08 -0400

A comment and a question: Comment: The military hired you, not your wife. If she is having issues send her home where family members can assist her through until you return from deployment, TDY, etc. [That was the military of the 1960s-1980s.] Question: Why don't she have a drivers license? I have a "foreign national" wife and a traveling job. As soon as we hit CONUS she got her license and we purchased a reliable car. We never looked back. Our closest relatives was 8-hours away. We made friends who became family and we helped each other through sickness, surgeries, births, deaths, and deployments. I cut many yards on Saturdays; the wife shopped for groceries, kept children, and cooked meals for those who needed help.

Response by CPT Private RallyPoint Member made May 18 at 2021 1:16 AM

CPT Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 18 May 2021 01:16:39 -0400

Many probably want to avoid responding to situations like this, because honestly, it needs to be worked out through your chain and resources available to you.

That said, here's what I'm interested in when meeting a Jr soldier new to my unit. Keep in mind, I am USAR so our conflicts are different.

1) Does the soldier go to work or school?
2) Do they have a mode of transportation to battle assemblies?

Those two things are the biggest individual soldier performance issues.

Basically, what I am going after is the soldier will show up and follow through on his commitment to the USAR.

You are a human component of a larger military system, and such systems are designed to work best when all parts are executing their tasks as designed. Generally speaking your Commander is tasked ensuring the whole unit can execute it's mission requirements, and your 1SG is tasked with ensuring the human components are there and working as designed.

In life and many things there are conflicts. Military or not. The military actually has a lot more resources available to its employees for family issues.

Many civilian employers would expect you to jump all the same, evaluate your worth to them based on your productivity that can be measured in revenue/cost ratios, and simply tell you to solve your transportation issues with Uber on your own dime. You are given X dollars for your services and absolutely everything else in life is for your to figure out and work out your own conflicts.

The main difference is you are beholden to the military (your employer) and are locked in for a specific period of time that is your least complicated exit path.

I completely agree. There are many conflicts in the military where the action or activity is inconsequential but failing to meet the expected suspense time or standard has disproportionate consequences. It’s just how the system works, and it’s on each of us with our individual motivations to figure out the best way to navigate through that.

For you right now, the best path is to figure out how you can keep all your balls in the air until you reach future decision point in your career where you can ETS, reclass, or re-enlist. You can’t have everything you want along the time line until you get there. You’ll have to decide what compromises you can make to keep everyone happen regarding civilian verses military conflicts.

It’s taken myself 10 years in the USAR to be able to position myself in a way I can reduce conflicts, and when I was young, as I suspect most of us here didn’t have that latitude either.

My rank doesn’t make that so. My ability to be more in tune with what is going on around me, organizational operating requirements and how to navigate and jump through different administrative hoops to get where I want are the reason for that. E6’s and below can be just as successful doing that as well, and rank doesn’t give more options either. Youth and Jr status actually give you more paths.

In summary, it sucks being young when more things are out of your control that are coming at you. As you get older the amount of things thrown at you don’t decrease, you just keep your eyes on the horizon more and are able to dodge them better.

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made May 18 at 2021 2:45 AM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 18 May 2021 02:45:33 -0400

First off, there is no "them". The Army, your chain of command, it's not some faceless organization making choices, there are individuals.

A Reclass isn't going to change bad leaders. Bad leaders are in every organization and every MOS. I have seen entire platoons of every MOS from MI to Aviation to medical get out of the Army because of bad leaders. Bad leaders are in the civilian sector as well. Bad leaders are everywhere.

Is it bad leadership if your family is not prepared for normal life needs? If you were a civilian do you think your job would support you leaving during work hours because your wife doesn't have a driver's license? Unless there's a medical reason your spouse can't get a driver's license, any leader is going to have an issue with you leaving work to drive your spouse around during work hours.

I have seen Infantry 1SGs who make arrangements for their Soldiers to take care of their families. I didn't hear any of that from you. You didn't offer to make any kind of arrangement where you could meet your work requirements and your family duties. You pit one against the other and told your 1SG to piss off.

A different MOS, a different branch, a different career, will not change the fact that you need to manage your family life and your work life. Every job has a schedule and it is not built around your spouse's medical appointments. From what you've told us, I don't believe that your command is unsympathetic, I believe that you simply expect too much. It is very easy to work out a schedule with your platoon SGT where your spouse gets her license and drives herself to appointments like a normal person. I understand that she is due in less than a month but that means that the last six months of appointments, where she was perfectly capable of driving, she did not.

If you think that any other MOS is going to be lack a mission just because they are not infantry, they will not. The Army is built around the Infantry. When the Infantry go to the field, the supply, ordnance, MI, medical and every other MOS deploy to support them.

What do you do? You help your spouse get a license. You work with your PSG and 1SG to come up with a plan where you meet their needs and they meet yours. Your employer is never required to wrap their schedule around your needs, if you want them to make provisions for you, you need to propose a mutually beneficial arrangement. That is what adulting is

Response by SFC Casey O'Mally made May 18 at 2021 8:08 AM

SFC Casey O'Mally — Tue, 18 May 2021 08:08:47 -0400

Your wife has been pregnant now for months. Which means you have had months to cone up with a viable transportation plan. You have failed to do so. How is that the Army's fault?

Good leaders follow the mantra of mission, men, myself. Mission ALWAYS comes first. Always. Yes, "taking care of Soldiers" also means taking care of their families. But is only goes so far. The unit still has a mission to perform, and you are part of that mission. If you don't understand that, and are unwilling to accept it, the Army is not for you. Kindly step aside and let someone who will fulfill their obligations and complete the mission to take your place. If you are not willing to complete the mission, you are dead weight.

Why is the Army unsympathetic to families? They aren't. But empathy doesn't mean letting the SPCs dictate their own schedule and decide when they will be available for DUTY.

Read your own post. Examine your recent actions and attitude. And do a self-evaluation. How are *you* currently exhibiting Loyalty, Duty, Respect, Selfless Service, Honor, Integrity, and Personal Courage?

To me, it sounds like you have a serious problem living up to the Army values. This isn't a problem with the Army; it is a problem with how one specific SPC thinks he is special.

TL;DR version: it's not them, it's you.

Response by Maj John Bell made May 18 at 2021 8:58 AM

Maj John Bell — Tue, 18 May 2021 08:58:09 -0400

I perceive a problem here. It appears to me that you are blaming a 1SG for a soldier going AWOL. That is nonsense.

Second, you've stated that your wife doesn't have a Driver's License and she needs you for "these." These what? I'll proceed as if "these" are appointments. When scheduling medical appointments, it is perfectly acceptable to tell the clerk scheduling the "Nope, that doesn't work." Talk to your chain of command, let them know, in general, how frequently your wife must make appointments. Ask if there are preferred days of the week or preferred times of the day for those appointments that would least interfere with your duties.

Third, You need back up. That may be a friend, another military spouse, etc. etc. If you are in the field or not immediately available, and your wife goes into labor that backup may prove vital. When I was a 2ndLt Platoon Leader with a pregnant wife, The Bn Chaplain had lined up back-up for every pregnant spouse 2 or 3 deep. Talk to the unit Chaplain, this kind of thing is way more than half of what they do.

Fourth. If your wife is expecting in the next month, any administrative action, like re-classifying your MOS isn't going to happen before she delivers.

Response by MSgt Steven Holt, NRP, CCEMT-P made May 18 at 2021 10:40 AM

MSgt Steven Holt, NRP, CCEMT-P — Tue, 18 May 2021 10:40:49 -0400

So your spouse has been pregnant for eight months, does not have a driver license, and you have not come up with a viable plan. What I read here is a Soldier who has failed to make appropriate family care plans and somehow blames the Army for being unsympathetic. Under stand this: YOU do NOT make policy to those senior in rank/position to yourself. Making comments such as "family before unit" could be seen as communicating a threat (as in, you do this or I'll do that type situation) and could potentially open you to UCMJ actions. Personally, had you made that comment to me, your request for administrative discharge would be on the Commander's desk for review before the end of the duty day. Your Command might make accommodations IF they feel like it and it doesn't interfere with mission completion. They are under no obligation except in very limited and extreme circumstance to make allowances for family care, and is usually under the Exceptional Family Member Program (EFMP). That is YOUR responsibility, not your unit, the Army, or DoD as a whole to make appropriate care plans for your family. I'm willing to bet there are multiple programs such as non-emergent medical transport services, Uber, Lyft, friends, neighbors, etc you have not even attempted to make use of. Instead, you want the Army to make an exception for one special little snowflake because they feel entitled. Incidentally, since you didn't make mention of it, have you spoken with your wife's PCM about the possibility of enrolling in EFMP? If her condition warrants it, EFMP might go a long way in easing some of your troubles. Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension (IIH) isn't a death sentence but does require due diligence on the patient's part to manage symptoms. I'll grant you post pregnancy will most likely make management of IIH easier.

My suggestion to you SPC Toney is to stop blaming everyone else for your own shortcomings and start handling your business. Frankly, the comment about another Soldier being AWOL is a non-issue to your circumstance. As a civilian supervisor, I wouldn't tolerate your constant absences and complaining either. I've sent more than one former employee to the unemployment line for constantly being absent because of "family issues". I don't need you if I can't depend on you. You were hired (in this case, Enlisted) to do a job. If you are unable or unwilling to meet those obligations, then it would be best for all concerned if you moved on and made room for someone who DOES want to be part of the team.

Response by SFC Kurt Brunken made May 18 at 2021 11:57 AM

SFC Kurt Brunken — Tue, 18 May 2021 11:57:04 -0400

Lot to unpack there. First suggestion is don't go AWOL it will ruin your life for a long time. Second is teach your wife to drive or move on to base.

Response by Lt Col Jim Coe made May 18 at 2021 12:19 PM

Lt Col Jim Coe — Tue, 18 May 2021 12:19:48 -0400

SNCOs are often oriented on the mission first. That's how they get the Service to succeed in its mission: warfighting. First Sergeants and CSMs do have a special responsibility to train and care for their Soldiers, but they have to balance that against mission priorities. Similarly, you must balance your commitment to your enlistment oath, fellow Soldiers, and family.

For the big, life changing decisions, like staying in or leaving the Service, I recommend taking the family into account first. For the day-to-day stuff, the Service and its mission will usually have to take priority. I sympathize with your concerns for your wife and her health problems; however, it's probably time to employ your support networks to get her to medical appointments and to provide support. Your family or her family may be able to help. Mothers (future Grandmothers) don't mind helping their pregnant daughters. I found they will willingly show up and help in the time just before and just after the birth you your child with little to no prompting. The Army's family support network may be able to help with rides to appointments. In our local area, the county provides free bus service to medical appointments. Look into similar services in you area. Be very sure your chain of command understands what's going on. Pre-arrange a few days of leave (basket leave) for the time your child is expected.

Yes, there may be other MOS that offer opportunities for Soldiers to spend more time with their families. Support MOS Soldiers may not go the the field or be deployed as often as the Combat Arms Soldiers. Logistics MOS and IT MOS should be worth consideration. There are "office jobs" even to junior enlisted people, but be careful what you wish for. You might end up in a high demand, low availability MOS where you'll be working long hours and sometimes deployed even in a support MOS. Many other factors go into changing MOS, but I'll let the Army folks in this string speak to that. Heed their advice.

Response by LT Brad McInnis made May 18 at 2021 2:13 PM

LT Brad McInnis — Tue, 18 May 2021 14:13:19 -0400

Don't do anything stupid like going AWOL. That won't help anyone, especially your soon to be larger family.

My 2 cents... It is incumbent upon Service Members to be ready in all respects to do their job/deploy/etc. Things come up, and most command understand that. Unfortunately, if I was your PLT LDR, I would certainly wonder why you waited until almost the end of the pregnancy to tell us you have issues. You may have laid preliminary groundwork, but all I read is that your 1SG said some things... TO me as a leader, it automatically puts me in a defensive attitude that you are trying to get out of stuff, and I will act appropriately. Sorry, but that is the way it is. With only so many hours in the day, and an always growing task list, I will take the path of least resistance in this case, and I would find a way to get you out of the command.

That being said, there are things you can do to help your situation out. For one, talk to the chaplains. See what they recommend. They see this kind of stuff probably more than they like. Have them help you get a plan together (whatever that may be for you), and then bring that to your leadership. Again, if I was your PLT LDR, and you came to me with a plan you had already worked on and gotten buy in from others, then I would more than likely go with it if we can support it, regardless of how little time you have given us to look into things.

Hope things work out for you. You have a growing family and other things. Hopefully, you will get the help/orders that you need. Be prepared for them to not be exactly what you want. You signed a contract after all, but hopefully they can find something that works for all.

Response by SSG Robert Perrotto made May 19 at 2021 6:31 AM

SSG Robert Perrotto — Wed, 19 May 2021 06:31:56 -0400

No shit, here is the truth, no playing around - You raised your right hand, you voluntarily signed a commitment, and the mission comes first. Your wife has these options - bus, taxi, uber, lyft, a girlfriend. You JOB provides the healthcare for her, pays your bills, puts a roof over your head, food on the table. While we try to work with Soldiers and their issues, the bottom line is, figure out a way to do it high speed, because Command is not going to let you go everytime she has an appointment. Put on your adult pants and problem solve.

Response by GySgt Kenneth Pepper made May 19 at 2021 10:53 AM

GySgt Kenneth Pepper — Wed, 19 May 2021 10:53:57 -0400

Everything I have seen here leads me to one conclusion: you are not a good candidate for retention. I think you should find a way to serve the remainder of your time and move on. It seems that you may be qualified for a hardship discharge. Until then, seek help from the Chaplain. You may be surprised at how much they can be of assistance.
This is a painful thing to say, but I know it is true because I have seen it time and again...the military is simply not a good fit for SMs with dependents who have special needs. The business of protecting our country should fall upon the shoulders of men and women who can train without distraction and deploy at a moments notice.
Although I am sympathetic to having someone you love with a health condition, your families needs are not in line with your current profession. Start preparing now for life outside of the military, where paid leave is almost non-existent.
Also, do you realize that you are being critical of your leadership in a very public forum? Hope your 1SG doesn't see this.....

Response by Sgt Dale Briggs made May 15 at 2022 2:55 PM

Sgt Dale Briggs — Sun, 15 May 2022 14:55:39 -0400

You have shitty leaders, period. You missing some time taking care of your family is important, you’d think 1st Shirts would have more savvy and security and do what’s right by his troops. Everyone sees that and it reflects very poorly on him/them. Your in garrison, there’s no deployments pending, makes it much worse, imo makes your leadership look like assholes. Not my experience in the Marines , my leadership bent over backwards to be helpful within their abilities and rank. Never ever had to deal with petty bullshit. Doesn’t help you much but 0311 imo are for young single guys with zero commitments outside of the military. Right or wrong that’s simply my opinion. Changing to less critical support MOS might help, but it doesn’t excuse the shitty leadership.

Response by PFC John Hopping made May 15 at 2022 5:00 PM

PFC John Hopping — Sun, 15 May 2022 17:00:31 -0400

Bottom line is you are government property. Period