What should you do if your spouse hates the military lifestyle?

SSG Steven Borders — Thu, 22 Jul 2021 11:47:52 -0400

Now, my wife supports me and all my crazy choices out there. But I got to thinking what do you do? Would love to here your thoughts.

Response by CSM Darieus ZaGara made Jul 22 at 2021 12:02 PM

CSM Darieus ZaGara — Thu, 22 Jul 2021 12:02:16 -0400

This is highly personal as we all know. For me it would have depended on where in my career we were, and how long I had been married, with or without children. Faced with an ultimatum I would have leaned toward getting out. I love my wife with all that I have. With kids it would have been automatic, no question and out. Having said this it would definitely have been a very long conversation/series of conversations and very deep soul searching.

Response by MSG Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 22 at 2021 12:04 PM

MSG Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 22 Jul 2021 12:04:24 -0400

My wife is certainly ready for me to retire.

But, for discussion sake, there are only three COAs available:

1) Choose the military over marriage.

2) Choose the marriage over military

3) Attempt Couples Therapy to see if things can be worked out.

Okay, perhaps one more COA.

If #3 is chosen but doesn't work, then one will have to revert back to choosing between COA #1 or COA #2.

Response by SFC Jake Middaugh made Jul 22 at 2021 12:09 PM

SFC Jake Middaugh — Thu, 22 Jul 2021 12:09:48 -0400

Well, good question. During my 23yrs in, I would see couples make the following choices:
1- hunker-down, grin and bear it, until it's over
2- the non-mil-spouse would stay where they are comfortable and when the service member finish out their time.
3- you could transfer to the reserves and finish out your time there and have a civilian job and be stabilized with your spouse and a town you so choose.
4- Get a divorce & go your Separate Ways.
5- you can get a government job (GS) , and have way better hours and better pay and work wherever you want to.

That's about all I can think of right now. I hope it helps

Response by SGM Erik Marquez made Jul 22 at 2021 12:18 PM

SGM Erik Marquez — Thu, 22 Jul 2021 12:18:48 -0400

Wife of 29 years now..so with me almost my whole career.
We were both serving when we met and married
In the end, she was understanding but never happy with my long absences from home, training, advanced deployments, deployments, schooling, and more. She was ready for me to not be gone some much, and then I was told even though I was in an Authorized slot as the G3 SGM, desired to be retained in that slot by senior leadership, and it was a good fit for me experience-wise....Yet HRC insisted I had to PCS and the options for a good assignment were on the east coast.
My wife hated the idea of moving again, actually, I think that is understating it ... pretty sure she said "Go if you want but I'm not moving again, this is our home"
We had some tough but real conversations and decided it was time to drop my papers.
While I miss some of what I had, Im happy with the decision overall.

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 22 at 2021 12:45 PM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 22 Jul 2021 12:45:49 -0400

That's probably when most marriages end in divorce...good thing I don't have a spouse to deal with anymore (that ended because of his drug addiction, criminal activities, abuse, etc. Not my military service).

Response by CPL Sheila Lewis made Jul 22 at 2021 12:47 PM

CPL Sheila Lewis — Thu, 22 Jul 2021 12:47:21 -0400

been there and it ended in divorce...not sad just relieved.

Response by LT Brad McInnis made Jul 22 at 2021 1:05 PM

LT Brad McInnis — Thu, 22 Jul 2021 13:05:25 -0400

Had a sailor who worked for me with this problem. We found out his wife was lonely and was tired of never having any friends. We got her involved in the family support group and things got better. Not much you can do if the wife doesn't like you being away training and deploying. But, getting involved in the various support groups can really help and have them feel they are part of the mission.

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 22 at 2021 1:10 PM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 22 Jul 2021 13:10:08 -0400

Why does she hate it? Has she always hated it, or is this lately? Been married 18 years, together 21. So been thru it a little. Are you miserable where you are at and are reflecting that on her, making her hate it because you hate it? Depends on how long you been in. If you are well 8ver the 10 year mark, hopefully you two can grin and bear it and make it thru.

Response by SFC Casey O'Mally made Jul 22 at 2021 1:49 PM

SFC Casey O'Mally — Thu, 22 Jul 2021 13:49:27 -0400

Then it is time for a sit-down and serious conversation.

SM and spouse have to discuss options. And at the end of the day, the SM has to decide what they value most, and whether that is worth what they would be giving up. If the spouse only dislikes the military, and is willing (grudgingly) to go along with things, it is much different that if the spouse refuses to PCS or be the primary caregiver for kids.

Even then, if the spouse will grudgingly go along - is it worth it to the SM to put that level of stress on the marriage? How strong is the marriage, and does the SM (and the spouse) think the marriage can survive that strain?

What benefits is the military giving the SM - and the family? And is it worth leaving those benefits behind to appease the spouse? (For instance, a child with severe medical issues gets free health care, no matter how expensive or how often. What will happen to the child - or to the SM's pocketbook - if the SM leaves the military. Maybe staying in is worth it, even if it means divorce.)

Each individual situation is going to be different, but all of them boil down to the SM making a hard decision about what is best for them moving forward.

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 22 at 2021 1:50 PM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 22 Jul 2021 13:50:09 -0400

She isn't going to change...
1) ETS
2) Divorce

Response by CPT Lawrence Cable made Jul 22 at 2021 1:53 PM

CPT Lawrence Cable — Thu, 22 Jul 2021 13:53:07 -0400

I was lucky, I commissioned soon after I got married and my wife liked the lifestyle. She would have been fine if I had wanted to stay on Active Duty instead of going to the Kentucky National Guard. OTOH, my son's Naval career has been at least partly responsible for losing two wives, although my cynical side says they wanted all the benefits without the long separations and restrictions. I would advise looking at that relationship to see if getting out would really salvage it, or if it just brought out issues that were beneath the surface anyway.
On the personal side, I turned down a full time tour in Panama and went IRR to deal with a completely different kind of family problem. Hindsight being 2020, my staying accomplished nothing and in the long run, it would have been much better for me (and my wife) to have stayed with the Army and went to Panama.

Response by SSG Robert Perrotto made Jul 22 at 2021 2:56 PM

SSG Robert Perrotto — Thu, 22 Jul 2021 14:56:18 -0400

Honest Truth brother - I met my wife while I was a PFC - when we got serious, as in talking about our future together, I stated straight up that the Army was my career, that if she wanted a future with me, that she would be not only marrying me, but the Army, and what that will probably entail. deployments, frequent moves, lots of field time. I also promised that after the Army, I would follow and support whatever, wherever, and how ever she wanted going forward as she sacrificed many things in order to be with me. Communication, understanding, and compromises must be made in order to have a successful marriage. Been with my better half now for 25 years, and zero regrets for either of us. There are Opportunities for your spouse, just have to look for them. Many jobs and careers for civilians that are transferable to other posts.

Response by SGT James Hunsinger made Jul 22 at 2021 3:08 PM

SGT James Hunsinger — Thu, 22 Jul 2021 15:08:13 -0400

It takes a special spouse to live the military lifestyle. It's not as easy as their civilian counter-parts as we all know. They have special stresses and unique family challenges that have to be dealt with. My mother dealt with it for twenty three years. I on the other hand had two failed marriages during my thirteen years of service. The first, because we were too young to be married in the first place, let alone with the stresses of a military lifestyle. The second, because she had some issues of her own that she couldn't get squared away, nor had the inclination to do so. Now I am married to wife #1, marriage #3 after being medically discharged and have been married for 17 years but I digress.

The question really is a simple and straight forward one and any of us that have spent more than a minute in the military really knows the answer to the question because we have seen it again and again. If the spouse truly hates the military lifestyle then the service member needs to make a decision as to whether they love the military or the spouse more. I know that might seem like over simplifying the situation but it really does boil down to just that.

During my time in the Army I put off going to BNCOC for years, trying to save what was ultimately a doomed marriage in the first place. It cost me stripes and positions but I thought I was doing the right thing. I ended up being discharged medically. I could have fought it and probably won but I thought maybe it would save our marriage. Things only got worse in the civilian sector and ultimately the marriage ended. I now regret, every day of my life, that I gave up what was my life dream since I was a child and realized that my father was a soldier. So if you are facing this decision, please make sure you are being true to yourself

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 22 at 2021 4:04 PM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 22 Jul 2021 16:04:44 -0400

As long as both parties support one another, then things will go well. But, if neither supports the other then maybe the relationship doesn't make sense. It's sad to hear when one party thinks their happiness means more than the other. There has to be a healthy compromise here. Both parties need to work it out, otherwise one person (or both) will always be unhappy and the marriage will more than likely fail. Talk about where you both want to go from here. Put it all out on the table. Make the decisions together, not because someone told you to do it. A job should never end a marriage. It can be worked through. The decisions made need to ensure both parties are considered and not just one. Otherwise, that creates other problems.

Response by SPC Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 22 at 2021 4:57 PM

SPC Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 22 Jul 2021 16:57:01 -0400

Tough call. My brother still had things he wanted to do, but being with the wife and kids was more important. So after a six years, various orders, and one deployment he chose to be with family.

His unit didn't even give him so much as a thank you on the way out. Had a few buddies contact S1, turns out he's missing service awards. Hope they get that fixed while he's on IRR, but I doubt it. We also contacted our local government and they flew a flag over the State capital for him and sent him a thank you signed by the secretary of state.

Sometimes, many times, family is more important than the unit or the Army. That said, only we as individuals make the Army better for us and our units.

This is a soul searching decision, and I watched my brother struggle with it. He flipped back and forth on re-enlisting and getting out until finally he made his choice. I know he wanted to do more, helping his guys be better Soldiers, one more deployment, one more mission, etc.

All I can say is dig deep and find out what's best for you and your family and do your best to take care of your guys if you decide to get out.

Response by LTC Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 22 at 2021 6:47 PM

LTC Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 22 Jul 2021 18:47:06 -0400

I would think you have two choices: leave military or change spouse.

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 22 at 2021 7:31 PM

SSG Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 22 Jul 2021 19:31:21 -0400

My honest opinion, is if it's a marriage you truly want, try and find that comprise. Go on ODR, marriage retreats, find things that the military supports for married couples, and speak to him/her and try and find out what exactly it is they don't like. Sometimes it's as simple as they don't like you're in the field all the time, sometimes it's they miss family. I think step one is finding out what they hate about it and going from there

Response by LTC Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 22 at 2021 8:51 PM

LTC Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 22 Jul 2021 20:51:35 -0400

Look at getting out, can you find a job and support the family

Consider government civilian positions

Explore options in the guard and reserve, they also have active slots and tours.

See if there is a way to make staying in work when looking at the options.

At one point I got a divorce and left active duty at 17 years active service with zero regrets.

Response by SSG Tim Aschauer made Jul 22 at 2021 10:05 PM

SSG Tim Aschauer — Thu, 22 Jul 2021 22:05:56 -0400

Did the service issue you a spouse? Decide what is most important to you as an individual. If it is your career, do it. If it is family, be a family. You can always look for a new job. It's easier than finding a new spouse.

Response by Sgt Dale Briggs made Jul 23 at 2021 4:09 PM

Sgt Dale Briggs — Fri, 23 Jul 2021 16:09:27 -0400

I just don’t see the Marines and being married a good match, especially in a war time military. In my day divorce rates were very high more so for Jr NCOs and below. Money, deployments, change of stations, spouse needing to work with kids, is tough.

Response by Lt Col Jim Coe made Jul 25 at 2021 2:02 PM

Lt Col Jim Coe — Sun, 25 Jul 2021 14:02:03 -0400

"Happy wife, happy life" has come into our lexicon in the last 10 years or so. There's a large measure of truth in that. If your spouse is unhappy with the military, then they will support your choices at a lesser level--perhaps not at all--than they might otherwise. Every little or large thing that happens from changes in uniform to deployments will be taken in a negative way.

Choices:
1. Get rid of spouse; keep military career. Please consider this only by legal means. Probably divorce. Many problems in this choice. Usually expensive. Bad for kids. Not generally recommended.
2. Live with it. Accommodate the spouse's opinion as much as possible. Make the extra effort to set up living arrangements that allow minimum impact of military service on spouse. This might require living apart for extended periods of time. I've seen this work, but more often it fails when one spouse or the other finds a new love interest.
3. Seek counseling. Spouse's dislike for the military may be a symptom of a larger problem in the marriage. Marriage counseling may help identify and resolve the problems. I recommend this.
4. Leave the military. In this case the SM prioritizes the happiness of the spouse above his/her personal goals and military mission. I've seen this work well and go badly. In some cases the couple should have taken option 3, above. The real problem was a marriage relationship problem and it got worse when the very dependable military income disappeared. On the other hand, the spouse may be right. Maybe the military life isn't the best way to go. Civilian alternative might work out well and often does.

Fortunately, my wife loved being an Air Force Wife. She was proud and supportive of me and my service to our country. She was sad when I retired and looks back on our years in the Service as the best in her life and our marriage. We'll celebrate 56 years of marriage this fall. Happy wife, happy life.

Response by SSG Edward Tilton made Jul 25 at 2021 5:33 PM

SSG Edward Tilton — Sun, 25 Jul 2021 17:33:45 -0400

58 years, she expects me to go out and soldier, not st in some office. Of course at this point just fall over and get hurt

Response by Theodore Higgs made Sep 21 at 2021 2:13 AM

Theodore Higgs — Tue, 21 Sep 2021 02:13:01 -0400

I will sit with him or her and explain that why military lifestyle is so hard. https://www.advancedmd.ltd/

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