What was your best "funny story" in the military?

2014-11-01T13:17:07-04:00

Can we make this a forum of funny stories? Post yours here!
I have many, but will share this one to start. I served 7y 3m 23d in the Corps...got out, anD one month later joined a ARNG unit. After being in the Guard for several years, I was selected to attend BNCOC, a leadership school for newer NCOs. Well, I had all my old uniforms from the Corps, they were just a few years old, so no problem right? So, we had a service uniform inspection one day in BNCOC, and I decided I didn't want to get my brand new Army dress shoes all scuffed up and rummaged through my gear and pulled out my old patent leather dress shoes from back in the day. The looked the same and they were in impeccable shape. It was a hot Summer day in Sea Girt, NJ. All dressed up and looking sharp, we were marching to chow. What do know happened? The old dress shoes slowly came apart, the old glue dried up, and by the time We got to the chow hall, the heels had come off both shoes and all I was wearing was the uppers...it was hysterical, because I didn't want to stand out, so I didn't say anything, as I lost one heel, then the other, now I am walking on the hot ashphalt, almost high stepping.
There are many memorable moment sin military service, unfortunately many are not that funny. Lucky for me, I had brought my back-up pair.

So, please share a funny story with us. And of course try to ONE-UP the previous.

Response by CW5 Private RallyPoint Member made Nov 1 at 2014 2:07 PM

2014-11-01T14:07:00-04:00

Thinking back, I have a story about a time in the Old Guard that was kind of funny, and extremely embarrassing for one Soldier.

I was the NCOIC of an off-post funeral detail. Part of my duties were to signal the firing party to fire their volleys with a nod of my head. The signal was for the NCO behind the firing party to call the squad to attention and have them do their thing.

Well, when I nodded my head, one member of the firing party - a brand new Private, who was apparently very nervous - snapped to attention. That would not have been such a big deal ... really only we would have noticed something that relatively small, but then that same Private had an "accident" of the urinary variety. Oh my.

We didn't know whether to feel sorry for the guy or to never let him forget it. I think we (as a group, the guys doing the funeral) came down somewhere in the middle: we razzed him a little, but gently, because it was so embarrassing for him.

Response by SSgt Private RallyPoint Member made Dec 18 at 2014 11:25 PM

2014-12-18T23:25:59-05:00

Was sleeping under a dumptruck after completing a landnav course. I had a couple guys around and figured one of them would wake me up if anybody important came by. Next thing I know, I hear a voice, "Afternoon 1SG." I come boiling out from under the truck nearly hitting my head on the front axle, just to see that the 1SG is standing about one pace in front of me. I come to my feet at parade rest, and say "Afternoon 1SG." He busts out laughing so hard his whole body shakes, says "You're fine soldier" and walks away.

Response by SSG(P) Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 3 at 2015 8:59 PM

2015-01-03T20:59:41-05:00

When I was about 10 or 11 y/o, my buddy and I talked about running away. So we grabbed a bag, made a bunch of peanut butter sandwiches, a bottle of water and a bb gun. We started off on the tracks, even planned on jumping on a train to California...our walk started at 8 am, and by 11 am, we had eaten all of the sandwiches, ran out of water and shot all our bb's. (How were going to kill wild game and eat?) So in desperation, we headed home, never to plan running away again.

Response by Sgt Michael Furphy made Jan 21 at 2015 12:05 PM

2015-01-21T12:05:57-05:00

that was hilarious! LOL

Response by Sgt Michael Furphy made Jan 21 at 2015 12:14 PM

2015-01-21T12:14:32-05:00

Our Lt. told me to take out a patrol from zero dark thirty until 0400. He told me to be sure to wake him before we set out. I got my squad ready and we were all standing over the sleeping Lt. I knelt down and shook him and said, "sir, we're going on patrol now." He rolled over, opened up his eyes and looked at me for a second, then said in the most theatrical voice you can imagine, "Sgt. Furphy, you don't have magical powers, only I have magical powers, I'll turn you into a toooaaaad." I looked up at my squad and they were dancing around trying to hold in their laughter. I had to jump up real quick and run off I was laughing so hard. The next day, everytime our Lt. was around, someone would say, "I'll turn you into a toooaaaad." He never knew what we were talking about and all I can wonder is WTH was he dreaming.

Response by LTC Stephen C. made Jan 21 at 2015 12:29 PM

2015-01-21T12:29:52-05:00

SSG(P) Private RallyPoint Member, this feels like "Déjà vu all over again", so this story may appear on another thread!

I was at Fort Jackson, SC for basic training from November 1969 to January 1970 (we had leave for Christmas). Wintertime in the south means cold weather with lots of rain. We were in final formation for the day and headed to the M-16 range the following morning. A naive trainee (not me) actually asked the Senior Field Leader what would happen if it rained. SFC Freddie Lockwood responded with the often quoted Army maxim, "Son, it don't rain in the Army!" Sure enough, it rained cats and dogs all the next day! In fact, it rained so hard that the rain beat the food out of our mess kits more quickly than we could eat!

Response by PO1 David Kazimierczak made Feb 25 at 2015 8:31 PM

2015-02-25T20:31:34-05:00

While I was serving on Active Duty with NMCB-3.. I requested to attend Blasting and Quarry Operations.. We spent the first portion of the course under classroom instruction.. The last section of the class was spent under field instruction.. We were cut orders to travel to Twenty Nine Palms. We had a couple of classmates that the entire class enjoyed busting on.. We had this particular class mate By the name of Equipment Operator Second Class "Rocky" We enjoyed busting on this guy because he was a hard nose guy from The state of New York.. He claimed to be a tough guy, and reminded all that they better watch out or they might get their a$$ kicked.. That only made it worse on himself.. Me and a good friend would not cut this guy a brake.. We walked some Rock Drills up into the Quarry and drilled a series of holes to prepare for the Loading of Explosives.. When everything was in proper order for the Blast.. We had to first secure the perimeter. The lead instructor, assigned all Hands specific tasks.. Myself, EO2 Rocky and several others were given two way radios and directed to secure a certain section of the Quarry... The "Lead" sounded off over the radio for all stations to report. The first station sounded off; East side access road is all Secure. The second station, "ROCKY" sounded off; North side access road is all Secure.. I was posted on the West side access road.. I sounded off over the radio; "ROCKY" "ROCKY" THIS IS "BULLWINKLE" Over... All hands on Deck were laughing so hard we had to delay the Blast... Rocky was so pissed off, that to this day I think he would still try and kick my A$$... That was a good day for Moral of the troops.. Poor ROCKY!!!

Response by Capt Bob Abbott made Apr 8 at 2015 3:14 PM

2015-04-08T15:14:33-04:00

In 2012 I took a lovely helo ride out to a small COP in Farah province, the middle of nowhere. I went there to find some laptops before the unit RIP'ed out. I arrived, found the laptops and updated the software...done in about three hours. "Ready for the flight out!" I told the company commander. Flight ops then went red for the week with bad duststorms, oh yay, I was stuck on this postage stamp of a COP with one change of clothes in my ruck.

They weren't prepped for my team to stay long-term, so they inflated a tent and put us in it. You know the tents that have the inflatable ribs? One of those. Only after they put the cots and us in there, they forgot to stake the tent down. A duststorm kicked up in the middle of the night throwing the tent all over the place, which caused the inflatable ribs to slowly deflate. About 2 in the morning, with the wind howling outside, a particularly bad gust picked up the tent entirely and slammed it back on the ground. I woke up while airborne and when we hit the ground I sat straight up in my cot. At that point the half deflated roof swung down and smacked me right in the face. By the time I got my light on all of the dust that was on the floor of the tent was now suspended about four feet in the air. We couldn't see anything, couldn't hear over the howling wind. I yelled, "I'm getting the f out of here!" threw on my shoes and my team and I ran out the door.

We ran into the TOC, hearing the faint sound of explosions on the other side of base. It was obvious, we were under attack. In the TOC there was twice the amount of people there, which confirmed there was an assault ongoing. We ran int he door and I yelled, "What do you need us to do!?!" Everyone turned and stared. I stood there, in shorts and a t-shirt, my nose bleeding, and covered in dust, looking like a madman. The company commander came over and kindly said, "sir, there's no attack. It's a dust storm and the Germans on the other side just did a controlled det."

We slept in the chow hall for the rest of the week.

Response by MSgt Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 8 at 2015 6:51 PM

2015-04-08T18:51:25-04:00

I was an AIC and changing a tire on a 141b Star-lifter. So someone behind me sounded like my driver asked "so what you boys doing there." It was August in South Carolina 1500 in the afternoon was hit and tired. Didn't even look behind me. So I spout off "Well I was felling a little lonely and decided to lube the axle." Then I heard boy turn around and look at the birds on my collar. I thought for sure I was dead he got back in his car drove off and never heard a word about it again. That was 20 years ago and still remember it like yesterday.

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made Sep 3 at 2015 2:41 PM

2015-09-03T14:41:19-04:00

This is more pathetic than funny. I had a good SPC buddy in army aviation unit who assembled the packet for PA program. All he needed was the Regimental Groups Commander's signature. One day we had a regimental run and our uniform was black shorts and the back regimental shirt. The dumbass shows up in a plain black shirt. The COL sees the poor choice of PT attire and told my buddy he was trashing the PA packet.

Response by CPT Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 22 at 2016 10:18 AM

2016-01-22T10:18:18-05:00

As a brand new 2LT (early 2011), I had been at Fort Bragg, NC for two months. I worked as an HR officer in the 20th EN BDE. My boyfriend was a PL in the 82nd. One day my Battalion Commander need a report from me NLT 1300. Unfortunately, the office where my desk was located was being retiled so I couldn't get to my computer to print off the report. So I called my boyfriend and asked to borrow his computer to log into my email and print the report. He told me that he was doing inventories but his PSG (who I had meet previously) would let me into his office. As I was printing the report all of the squad leaders and team leaders filed into the office (apparently there was some platoon meeting about to happen). They took one look at the female 2LT sitting at the PL's desk and fell silent. This was the same week that the Army Times published the first article on women being allowed to join combat units. I looked at the PSG and asked "Are these all of the squad and team leaders?" He replied " Yes ma'am, all here." I then introduced myself and told them that I was part of a pilot program testing the efficacy of females in combat arms units. And that I was taking over for 1LT X (my boyfriend). To their credit, they said nothing, but by the looks on their faces you would think that I had kicked their dog. I asked them if they had any questions (they didnt) and happily went back to work on the computer sending a few response emails. To the PSGs credit he went along with all of this. About a minute later my boyfriend walks in and asks the platoon if they had met me. They mumbled an affrmative sounding response. My boyfriend then went on to call me his girlfriend, and me and the PSG lost it, doubling over l was laughing so hard. From that moment on the soldiers called me "the Mrs. Sir". I loved that nickname for two years.

Response by MSgt Richard Rountree made Apr 25 at 2016 10:23 PM

2016-04-25T22:23:41-04:00

We were in a small USAF Close Air Support unit on Kelly Barracks (Hq VII Corps) in Germany in the mid-1980s. One of our SSgt technicians had screwed up and was being processed for a early discharge. While he was biding his time, his job was to do various maintenance tasks around the barracks. One day, the young female captain in charge of communications came in looking really frantic. She spotted our SSgt and told him that she had locked the keys in her car and she needed help getting in to retrieve them. She was really in a hurry, late for a meeting or something, so she told SSgt, I need this done right away, I don't care how you do it just get my keys. SSgt told her OK, dropped what he was doing, grabbed a toolbag and walked over to her car. He reached into the bag, pulled out a hammer and smashed her driver side window. Then he reached in, retrieved her keys and handed them to her. She was livid!! She immediately went to the First Sergeant and the Commander and insisted SSgt be brought up on charges. Too bad for her, that about a dozen people heard her tell SSgt "I don't care how you do it." He walked...and this is still funny about 31 years later!

Response by SGT Craig Northacker made Aug 5 at 2016 12:41 PM

2016-08-05T12:41:21-04:00

We had a jump where cherry 2LT's were in the door jumping first. We generally waited to be told by the JM to wait for them to give the command because of some green light issues, but the 2 LT's were gung-ho and jumped as soon as they saw the light. The JM stopped the jump and closed the doors, and we went back to Pope. The funny part is we were not allowed to go anywhere until they found the LT's....lol

Response by LCpl Stephen Arnold made Jan 17 at 2017 5:45 PM

2017-01-17T17:45:37-05:00

I was a young Marine aboard a naval vessel during Operations Desert Shield/Desert Storm.

One evening, my Team Commander ordered me to find my Team Chief, a Gunnery Sergeant nicknamed "B.A."

As it was during chow time, I went to the Chief's mess, knocked and waited for permission to enter.

"What do you need, Marine?" asked a VERY seasoned Senior Chief Petty Officer.

"Senior Chief, I'm looking for Gunny _____! Our Team Commander needs him ASAP!"

Senior Chief: "We haven't seen him yet; why don't you have a seat and wait for him. Would you like a steak, Lance Corporal?" (We didn't get steak too often aboard the ship, but had heard stories about how often the Chief's mess was served them.

"Yes, please, Senior Chief, that would be great!" I replied enthusiastically.

"Baked potato?" "Yes, please. Thank you, Senior Chief."

Half way through the steak, I have a huge chunk in my mouth, and Gunny "B.A." walks in.

"ARNOLD, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?" Gunny asked loudly.

Before I could finish chewing, the Senior Chief, without looking out, answered; "He's eating YOUR steak!" The whole room lit up laughing, and I got smoked VERY intensely later that evening. Still the best tasting steak I ever had! haha

Response by LCDR Private RallyPoint Member made Dec 19 at 2017 10:10 PM

2017-12-19T22:10:18-05:00

I'm a Reservist, sent to the forward-deployed 6th Fleet Flagship, homeported in Italy, while she was in the yards in Croatia. I'd been on board before, knew the CO, XO, CMC, wardroom, etc. etc.. Fit in with them pretty well.
Was on board for about 4 weeks and it was Easter, so I was working on my message, the music, all that stuff for Divine Services at Easter, when the XO comes by and knocks on my hatch, "Chaps, CO's mast at 1800 in the _____ room. He'd like for you to be there."
Now, 1) the CO is Catholic, 2) he went into town for the church services/mass, 3) I had the room next door at 1800 for Stations of the Cross, 4) We don't really do Mast in the reserves, at least at my unit, 5) I'd only ever heard it called Captain's Mast.
At 1755 I have my Bible in hand, waiting in the P-way outside the hatch to the room. Not sure if its regs that the CO can invite a civilian, foreign minister onboard to do service w/o telling the Chaplain, but hey, I'm a Reservist and he's the Commanding Officer of the Admiral's Flagship! OpsO (Operations Officer) comes up. "Hey Chaps, you got your cover?"
"Cover? Uh, I'm here for the mass."
"Yeah, you need your cover. Even though we're inside you need it....why do you have your Bible?"

Mast....not Mass....I'm an idiot.

Response by CW4 Craig Urban made May 22 at 2019 5:36 AM

2019-05-22T05:36:11-04:00

Funny story is having warrant officer do pt. Not aviators they need it. That's why they spend all that time in the gym. Fly 10 hours a week? Maybe. I was working 40 hours week. Stiil they tried to play racquetball? Cw2 John bell. Huey pilot. Cw3 Dave Ambrose apatche pilot. If they got five points in a game it was success. I was an open player. The were b's. At best. Miss those guys

Response by SFC William "Bill" Moore made May 22 at 2019 9:22 AM

2019-05-22T09:22:30-04:00

On MP patrol at Ft Hood, in"83, I was conducting a traffic stop for something like running a stop sign. A car pulled behind my jeep and sat there for a minute or two, then blew his horn. I raised my hand indicating that I would be with him when I finished. That did not set well with the driver, again the horn. I told the driver, that I had stopped, to leave and went to the impatient drivers car. There, a Major informed me that I was being disrespectful for ignoring him and then proceeds to ask for directions to 1st Cav HQ. I directed him to turn around, proceed to the second intersection, turn right and keep driving until he sees the flags. I told him that it may seem a little far, but, not worry, he will be able to see the flags. Yes, I sent him to North Ft. Hood, a good 20 minutes on the route I told him. The next day at gaurd mount, our Provost Marshal walks in to introduce us to one of the new members of his team. Yep, Major Impatience! He walks directly up to me, smiles and shakes my hand. Then leans in and says, "I desreved that, I was an ass wasn'nt I?" I smiled and informed him that I could be directionally impaired, at times, as well.

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made May 22 at 2019 4:49 PM

2019-05-22T16:49:30-04:00

The M1 tank has the best suspension in the army. It literally glides in the desert like a ship. There is a good reason we call it the Cadillac Ride, it's bouncy. One time I was cruising at 40 MPH in the desert. The loader was supposed to help me navigate the tank, but he was more like a dog with his head out the window. Suddenly we hit a fighting position that was not filled in all the way. It was like 2 feet deep. We hit that obstacle and went flying for like 25 feet and in slow motion we landed with a huge thud. At that moment the only appropriate command I would give was "Brace!" through the intercom. Boy was the gunner upset.

Response by SP5 Wick Humble made Mar 16 at 2022 8:39 PM

2022-03-16T20:39:36-04:00

Most of you won't like this, or think it is funny, but about 200 trainees almost died trying NOT to laugh. We had a drill sergeant at Ft. Lewis in 1969 who was in many ways a very sick man, but he expressed his manic side versus we trainees. I know it was PTSD, but even the CO couldn't stand him; I heard him say so. Well, we were going through the infiltration course that night, so we had to be familiarized with the booby-traps we'd encounter (they wanted to scare us, but not kill us, yet) so SSGT K___ was giving the lecture in front of a bleacher full of the entire company, and as usual he was telling us how stupid and helpless we were, and how we'd melt-down during the course, and the usual guff, only spiced up with more vituperation and cuss words than any of the other drill sergeants ever employed. He had a small 'booby' with a trip wire in his hands, and he got so carried away that when he said '...and if you tangle up with this string and pull it...!" And he did! The thing went off in his hand, and you never saw a look like that on his face. We were all struck dumb, but when we realized that he'd just done what he anticipated us doing, we felt like we'd just seen the funniest faux pas ever imaginable; even Martin and Lewis wouldn't put that in a movie! The ambulance that followed us around for 'dropped out trainees' had a real job then! He was at the infiltration course that night, but we could see him easily because on hand was swaddled in white bandages. He hadn't much to say though, as I think the CPT had a few words with him. There was another time that was even worse... but that's for another time. ex-SP5 Wick, age 76

Response by A1C Joseph Copeland made Mar 23 at 2022 10:29 PM

2022-03-23T22:29:07-04:00

All of mine were in Spain. I didn't think i have any in North Dakota. Maybe one if it comes to myself. But living in Zaragoza for 3 years 2 days 12 hours. No one can take that away from me. I should have written a book on my adventures on this and my career in the postal service and hopefully James Patterson could help lol. So anyway here goes.
One late summer 1990 i believe this married black military couple shows up. Sister was FINE. DUDE wasn't looked like sheep sh*t and @ss water so all the brothers were like locusts i was laughing my butt off. She was flashing her ring. OFF-LIMITS. She notices i didnt hit on her. I told her this is Spain. I am in Spanish heaven. Gotta do what i do. So moving on. Now one of only true friend there let's say i call him the GODFATHER. BECAUSE OF THE WAY HE TALKS AND WALK. True to the bone. Now i only spoke to his wife because of respect and she acted quiet. Now. They had a party at their home on base one Saturday night and normally i am never no where near the base on weekend. So i went as an offer you don't refuse. Later on. About 4 in the morning i am in the city checking out the party spots before i head in. Now i remember that i had to work for someone at 7am and said let me set something up for 5 pm so i can lay low until Monday morning. So i head straight to base but before I made one more stop for this guy i knew. I saw this couple on the couch inside the club trying to tear each other clothes off and it was dark but i thought i recognized both faces and kept moving. So later that morning i am eating breakfast and one of the guys i saw earlier in the city disturbs myself and almost caught a case but he told me there were two naked people in the dorm making out. I didnt want to believe it but i waited until the food came we all ate then all of grabbed our weapons and made our way over to the dorm and once we got over there up to the 3rd floor the funk came out and almost knock us out. So we put on masks and as we got closer the mask wasn't helping and we peeped in the room i had recognize the same people from the club earlier and told someone to get a camera and blanket. After a few rools wete established. We woke them up. Asked a few questions. Called the boss. Escorted them to the squadron within 30 min on a Sunday the whole base knew what happen and people camped out front trying to get the latest. The only 2 people who know was the opposite spouses of the couple who got caught. Until the godfather showed up and told me his wife didn't come home and everyone made me tell him what happen to her. I really didn't want to be responsible for her buried out in the valley but i swelled up and told him and he asked who was the man him being he my friend i took back there so he could see who it was and told dude he until Monday to leave the country. And told me i was in good with the wing commander to make it happen and that he will consider it a damn great favor. Come back to that later.

Now the wife that was FINE. she shows up looking for him. She said he never came home last night. And she looking so innocent standing there so i sat her down and i gently reminded her when all those brothers climbed the wall of the clinic trying to get what you want?? Now you get your pick. So i took her to his cell and she saw him and asked why was in there and he was still smelling like her and it was embarrassing so she left him there. So i had to tell what her boss told me to tell her. She said fine. I wasn't planning on paying for anything else for him we are done with each other. So when the wing commander came over and said he got a phone call about what happened today and what can he do. I gave him the favor and before anyone got buried in the valley he will need 2 plane ticket to get people out of the country quick. He said let me call Madrid and i will call you later but you know you owe me one back. Of course what i had to do was way easy compared to this.
FYI. DUDE WIFE. I GAVE HER TWO DAYS BEFORE SHE WENT WILD. AND AFTER FILE FOR DIVORCE. SHE SURE DID

Response by SN William Culotta made Mar 24 at 2022 8:51 AM

2022-03-24T08:51:04-04:00

There are too many to choose from. As per the Question "Best foot in mouth" response, some's up my 2 years of Navy active reserve time. I have written several memoirs but they remain on file as I don't feel most would be pleased with them. However I did get an Honorable Discharge, good reviews, and did my job well but was a thorn in the Seabees's everything, as my anti Vietnam antics before, during and after serving in Vietnam made some very angry. I never put anyone in danger! PNSN Bill Culotta PS Some would think I am a disgrace and I can live proudly with that and willing to take all critical responses, as I hide from no one. Bill Culotta [login to see]