What would you recommend to someone considering going active duty without their wife?

SPC Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 06 Aug 2021 12:14:20 -0400

Just wanting to get some advice. So a little background info I served 6 years in the guard and never really got to do anything. I have been out for 2 years and I just can't seem to get the army off my mind like I feel I can do more if I go active duty but the big thing is my wife doesn't want to go with me if I enlist into active duty. I know I don't want to go into the guard again because it feels like I wasted 6 years waiting for a chance to do anything. But if I go active duty I would be leaving my wife behind at our house and I guess I'm having a hard time deciding what is the best path either to get back in or just stay out completely. Has anyone dealt with a similar situation?

Response by CPT Lawrence Cable made Aug 6 at 2021 1:41 PM

CPT Lawrence Cable — Fri, 06 Aug 2021 13:41:31 -0400

Well, I can tell you one thing for certain, if your spouse does not support your enlisting, it will be hard to maintain a marriage and serve. My wife liked Active Duty, my son's first wife didn't want to be away from Mom and that ended in Divorce. Even having a wife that tries can fail, it can be a hard life for a Spouse. I guess the question you need to answer is would she be happy just seeing you on Leave?

Response by MSG Private RallyPoint Member made Aug 6 at 2021 1:50 PM

MSG Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 06 Aug 2021 13:50:13 -0400

I did. It didn't end well. Ended in divorce. You two need to have a sit down and conduct a serious one on one heart to heart talk to see if this can be viable.

But, you do know that your wife can join you at your assignment? Well, depending on the assignment, that is.

Response by SSgt Christophe Murphy made Aug 6 at 2021 1:51 PM

SSgt Christophe Murphy — Fri, 06 Aug 2021 13:51:58 -0400

Before you ke a commitment to Active duty you should consider the commitment you made to your wife. Military service for one isn't the same experience for one guy as it will be for another. I think you are flirting with disaster to risk your marriage for the possibility of scratching that military itch when it isn't a given that you will check the box you are chasing.

Response by MAJ Private RallyPoint Member made Aug 6 at 2021 3:10 PM

MAJ Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 06 Aug 2021 15:10:51 -0400

Talking from experience... Don't do it. You chose your wife and committed your life to her. A deployment is one thing - all families have to deal with this sooner or later. Freely choosing to leave your wife for the Army - or any job that takes you more or less permanently out her life - makes a statement to your wife, your kids (if you have them), both families and all of your friends. The statement? That anything is more important than she is. It's rings loud and painfully for all to here. I speak from painful experience and the scars I carry I'd wish on no one. I said yes to a by-name request from my brigade commander. The "yes" handed me a civilian senior leadership position and all but guaranteed the next promotion or two. My wife agreed with the move. Your wife may ultimately agree with you - to keep you happy but remember this. SHE won't be. Your responsibiity is to her first and always. As a wise man said on RP, your priorities are GOD, Family, Country and Military Service. In that order and that order alone. Don't let anything stand between you and your wife, Ever. The saving grace for my marriage was an offer to go IRR and become expatriates. We were both excited and we chose to go together but the next 2-3 years were painful. Mistakes were made on both sides and we had to overcome those damn scars to save US. We celebrate our 20th anniversary next year and are looking forward to, at least, 20 more. I can't tell you what to do - but after 35 years in uniform - I can tell you that there is nothing Military Service can give you that will replace the feeling of having the woman you love bring you a cup of coffee in the morning and then climb back in bed with you. I've served in the Marine Corps, the Air Force and the Army so I speak from a solid foundation. The military gives us so much - training, travel, education, friends, mentors, a few shinies for your chest, and if you hang around, a nice retirement. But remember this - you can get most of those with any job. What the military takes away is something to consider. It takes 1st cries, 1st steps and 1st words, birthdays and training wheels, trick or treats and Christmas mornings, proms and graduations, dance recitals, ball games, father-daughter dances, family vacations, weddings and anniversaries and...last breaths. SPC Brewster - Patrick, take a moment and think about the responses you've received. The choice is yours...but it really isn't. You and your bride should be making decisions like this togther. You aren't deciding on a new shampoo. You owe it to her to make this decision together. Good luck - and Semper Fi.

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Aug 6 at 2021 4:18 PM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 06 Aug 2021 16:18:42 -0400

The Army won't be there for you forever. The Army won't love you, take care of you, support you, etc.

What's more important - your wife or the Army? It's really that simple. What is worth sacrificing more to you?

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Aug 6 at 2021 5:19 PM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 06 Aug 2021 17:19:38 -0400

I've seen this situation a lot. It's usually the spouse convincing the Soldier to separate. Without a doubt, every time the Soldier ends up divorced. That's not to say it's going to happen to you, but when a spouse chooses a location over their partner - it's a sign.

So, either hold your marriage together and shelve your dreams of service, or rejoin and plan your divorce. No relationship can sustain long distance for years on end

Response by SGT Herbert Bollum made Aug 6 at 2021 5:21 PM

SGT Herbert Bollum — Fri, 06 Aug 2021 17:21:38 -0400

I was in IRR at the time I got married, thinking of possibly going back on active duty. My wife said no more military time for me and we've been married now for 32 years ( I just missed out on Iran, etc.)

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made Aug 6 at 2021 7:17 PM

MAJ Ken Landgren — Fri, 06 Aug 2021 19:17:22 -0400

It sounds like the advent of a broken marriage.

Response by Cpl Vic Burk made Aug 6 at 2021 7:27 PM

Cpl Vic Burk — Fri, 06 Aug 2021 19:27:25 -0400

My then girlfriend, now wife of forty-one years tried to pressure me into getting married while I was on active duty but I saw way too many problems with married guys and too many divorces from it. We may have believed we could make it work but I decided against it because I knew sooner or later it would be a problem with me not being able to be home every night, the week long trips to the field etc. That's a tough decision. If you don't enlist you will always in the back of your mind wonder, "Should I have?" However, with her being dead set against it you are in a losing proposition already. The odds are it isn't going to magically get better. Move likely than not you will be seeing a divorce lawyer in the near future. Best of luck to you and yours whatever you decide.

Response by SPC Private RallyPoint Member made Aug 11 at 2021 12:20 PM

SPC Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 11 Aug 2021 12:20:53 -0400

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone that commented and shared input. My wife and I have talked it over and she is going to come with me to active duty. Thank you all again.