When No means No: A Discussion on the notorious "Welcome Home" party.

2015-06-05T10:58:51-04:00

We've all been there for one reason or another. You're back from deployment and the family has thrown you a surprise welcome home party that you made clear you didn't want. Whether you just don't feel like it, don't feel like you deserve it, or just aren't ready for that much social interaction, if you make your feelings known, family and friends should honor your wishes. Unfortunately, they always assume we are just being humble and throw some unwanted elaborate shindig you just don't want any part of...and all of a sudden, you're the bad guy, the unadjusted soldier or possible you've been labeled by others as having the dreaded PYSD sign taped to your back.
In any case, whether you identify with this or not, your wishes should be honored without question. Am I right, or am I right!? Let's hear it....

Response by PO1 John Miller made Jun 5 at 2015 11:08 AM

2015-06-05T11:08:06-04:00

My wife always knew that I needed a few days to decompress before we did anything more than going out to dinner.

A few times coming home she made us stop at her parent's house and her whole family was there. They weren't surprise parties per say but I was more than a bit uncomfortable. Luckily my wife picked up on that and cut our visit short. They all thought I was being an asshole except for her Dad (Marine Corps veteran).

Response by CPT Pedro Meza made Jun 5 at 2015 11:09 AM

2015-06-05T11:09:11-04:00

I when I said "No Thanks" and family members continued to push, I simply left, if the family did not like it, I simply repeated I said NO! They eventually learned to respect my desire of privacy. One of my biggest reason was that these homecoming parties always involved alcohol and too much drinkingand I did not want to expose my sleeping demons to alcohol abuse.

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Jun 5 at 2015 11:21 AM

2015-06-05T11:21:59-04:00

I thought the same way, but then I realized that the party wasn't really for me, it was more for them. I may not want to be there but this was my families way of dealing with me being gone.

Response by SSG Buddy Kemper made Jun 5 at 2015 11:35 AM

2015-06-05T11:35:32-04:00

I've learned to just grin and bare some of the stuff like that, Sarge. I hold the wife and kids close and battle buddies closer. As a non participant in your welcome home party....i must say....you are a hero and you deserve a welcome home party. Enjoy the food. Never let your wife get off your arm. Set an alarm for two hours and have an exit strategy... maybe a battle buddy swings by and takes you to a round of golf??? I know I'm retarded but after 3 deployments, i found the family and friends who have been worried and praying for us while we were gone are more important than i am at gatherings like this. It's more about them than it is about me. No offense brother. Love to you and yours and thank you for keeping us free.

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Jun 5 at 2015 11:44 AM

2015-06-05T11:44:45-04:00

I wish no would mean no! I would have a hard time walking away from something the people who love me put time and effort into. I appreciate their support. I'd suffer through the humiliation for the time being and discuss it with them in private.

Response by LTC John Shaw made Jun 5 at 2015 12:23 PM

2015-06-05T12:23:48-04:00

CSM Private RallyPoint Member Families, significant others need a chance to celebrate your return. Odd to say this, but the party is more about the family than it is about you.

I have a wife and four kids, they associate any event as a party, even if I don't.
I just try to bend the rules to something that works for me and just say Thank you to those that supported you and your family while you were away.

Response by CSM Private RallyPoint Member made Jun 5 at 2015 12:53 PM

2015-06-05T12:53:38-04:00

Just a clarification. I am writing this because a good friend of mine is on his way home from s deployment. Now I use the term deployment loosely here, and he would agree completely. He has expressed that he does not want a fuss or a party for returning from what was essentially a vacation without family. Nevertheless, his wife ignored his requests. She had the entire block shut down, family from all over coming, VFW and Yellow ribbon support/funding, the local news. Etc, etc, etc..... It's all much a do about nothing. He is irritated and pissed and all because someone wouldn't listen. Bad news for everyone.

Response by SPC Jeffrey Bly made Jun 5 at 2015 1:06 PM

2015-06-05T13:06:53-04:00

They make me uncomfortable because I know I don't deserve it. But people are proud of you and they don't understand the military thing. So suck it up. Smile. Shake hands. Make small talk. Eat cake and it's over. 24 hours later it's all a memory. Life is to short for the negativity or pushing family and friends away. Whether we like to admit it or not, we need people in our lives.

Response by CDR Private RallyPoint Member made Jun 5 at 2015 1:51 PM

2015-06-05T13:51:29-04:00

No should mean no in this circumstance. Fortunately, my wife and family are very in tune to the reasons I don't want something like this, and my family always respects my wishes following a deployment. A typical coming home for me is usually limited to a dinner with very few close family members -- at most. Even at that, it's not immediately after I get home.

I think it's important to share a little of yourself in advance to hopefully secure their understanding in this type of situation. You don't have to disclose everything, but perhaps something as simple as telling them that it's been a super hectic deployment and you just want to spend some quality time at home first. Then, you can just keep kicking the can down the road until your return is no longer a new thing and the welcome home party sort of loses its appeal.

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Jun 5 at 2015 4:44 PM

2015-06-05T16:44:07-04:00

Spot on John.

When I got back from the gulf war and flew home in 1991 my whole family+ was there at the concourse in Philly and there was a party afterwards. After nine months deployed I still had sand in my ears didn't know how to act and certainly didn't want the attention - Hell, I was still marveling at flush toilets and couldn't stop 'keying the mike' when I talked on the phone. The last thing I wanted was to be around a ton of people who couldn't keep the noise down so I could think straight.

As far as I'm concerned, the party was for them, not me.

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made Jun 5 at 2015 10:20 PM

2015-06-05T22:20:35-04:00

Traveling can take a few days, and there is something called having jet lag and wanting some down time.

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Jun 5 at 2015 10:28 PM

2015-06-05T22:28:54-04:00

CSM Private RallyPoint Member, I didn't want, nor did I get any recognition when I came back from Vietnam. I used to not mind crowds and parties. I've tried to adapt, but I don't feel comfortable. My 70th birthday is this month. I told my wife, no parties. I don't know if she is going to have one or not.

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Jun 6 at 2015 3:23 AM

2015-06-06T03:23:32-04:00

I'm an attention whore. Give me a party.

Response by Cpl Alan LaMar made Jun 6 at 2015 4:31 AM

2015-06-06T04:31:43-04:00

Everytime I came home my mother insisted on making a big deal about it. 7 years after leaving the service and I still don't like being in crowds no one listened to hints I had to be very clear about my anxiety. Which I didn't understand and could not communicate clearly for years. I know they wanted to show appreciation and to see me but I hated it.