While on the firing line at the range, what is the most off the wall excuse a Private has made up because they can't shoot?

"I'm just not feeling it today."

As A 91f (Small Arms Repair) I have heard every excuse under the sun for the weapon is malfunctioning, front sight leaning, rear sight to high, mostly all 10 level excuses.

"The safety walked into our line of fire".

I wish I was making this up. And this was all permanent party folks. We were conducting a pop-up target range. The entire far right end of the firing line stopped shooting, about halfway through. We called a cease fire, so we could go see what was happening. We called ready on the left. We saw the white paddle. Ready in the center? White paddle. Ready on the right? No paddle. Ready on the right? Still no paddle. We had everyone clear and place their weapons down and step back from the firing line. When we got down there, we started asking what had happened. They all said the same thing. They stopped because the safety had walked off the range to their right and slightly forward of the firing line.
We pulled everyone off the range and went to find the safety. We found him sitting on a tree stump about 250 yards into the tree line, eating an MRE.

The targets keep going down too fast; i can't get a "bead" on em.

A sweat bee kept blocking my sight picture.

My experience takes me back to 1989 at Ft Dix New Jersey. When it was a basic training camp before becoming a reserve center. I was in training when they started up with the "time out cards". Out on the range this pvt was being hit with ground drills because of his lack for paying attention. We where all asked who hit expert and several of us did. They chose someone to take his place to qualify him. Little did they realize that he had 5 live rounds hidden in his cargo pocket. He walked up to a DS and pulled one out and asked the DS if it was a good color on his lips as he acted like it was lip stick.... Well to make a long story short the DS tackled him and emptied his pockets to find the rest along with the famous time out card. Here he had been seeing the psych doctor and it wasn't reported. He got an immediate section 8. They took him to the airport to send him home. Once he got out of the vehicle he acted like he was riding a motorcycle and the DS who took him there said he was no longer in the military and free to go home. He climbed off his imaginary motorcycle handed the DS the key and as he walked away flipped off the DS and stated " well i got my 100% the military can go pound salt.... He faked it all along and now they are still trying to figure out how to revoke the benefits he recieves.

Mine was actually from an E7. I had just got out of the 11th ACR and joined a reserve unit. A career reserve NCO went to qualify on the M60 before me and couldn't hit any of the stacked tires at 300 yards. He got up cussing and swearing, screaming that the gun was messed up. I laid down next with my "loader", a good kid but another career reservist and he didn't know how to load the machine gun. I loaded it and told him to feed me, then looked at the rear sight. It was set for max range (this is 1991, before desert storm so I don't remember the range it was set at). I reset and proceed to drill the targets.....

That SOB gave me extra duty the next two days.....

I left that unit the next month.

As a Drill Instructor everyone can shoot, it's to get them to qual. Drill Instructor from 71-72, MCRD, 3RTBn, PISC

I swear I hit the targets, they just didn't go down!

I actually heard a private tell me that he was not taught to exhale fully before squeezing his trigger. I spent an hour and over 30 rounds getting him zeroed before he said that to me. I proceeded to take the paddle and smack him on the helmet with it, then range walked over to the range NCO cussing and mumbling. I told the range NCO what I just was told and he laughed for a good 2 minutes.

I didn't hear an excuse but I remember as a Lance Corporal a Marine from the wing walked up to me and asked if I was with 3rd Marines. I said yes and then he asked what is the ready position.

This story is about what happened to me at basic training then at my duty station.

At basic, I found out the hard way that I am right handed but left eye dominant. So I am a left handed at firing as well. The first time I go to qualify I fail by maybe 5 shots. My drill tells me what I am doing wrong so I try again. Same thing. Hitting far targets missing closer ones. So the senior drill pulls me aside and asked if I wore glasses, I said yes, but I was told I couldn’t bring them with me because the frames. He told b.s. when we get back to the barracks call whoever has them to ship over night. So I had them for the next time the ones that failed go out for requal. Got my glasses, went to the requal range and was so freaking nervous I started holding my breath and shaking. My drill stood behind me the entire time yelling at because that’s what got me to refocus and to qualify.

My other problem came when I was station at Fort Riley. It’s in the middle of the winter. We just did the prone and foxhole parts of the qualifying and getting ready to put on my gas mask to do the final part when this SSG comes around and puts some type of oil on my loading chamber and it freezes up. I can’t open up the chamber nothing, I raise my hand to get someone’s attention then they announce commence firing. So I step back with my hand up weapon pointed down range and very pissed off. Finally another NCO comes over I told them what the other one had done and so he walked me back to the warming tent had to strip my weapon down and get whatever crap that NCO put on it and get me back out on the range to finish gas mask firing. After that he went and found that NCO and asked him did she give you permission to put that stuff on her weapon, when he replied no, he was banned from ever returning from that range. The armory SPC had to make sure that there wasn’t any damage done when I got back to our unit too. Had spent 3 hours cleaning that weapon that evening.

Never again after that...

I was retrain NCO for a qual range shooting paper targets. Soldier zeroed just fine, figured she should be able to qualify the same. She bolo'd the first time, with like an 18, so I spent some time doing retraining. She got back in line, fired, bolo'd again with a 6. I was shocked. "I don't know, Sergeant. I just can't hit the targets". I look at her weapon, and puzzled, I ask her, "Didn't you have an M68 on your weapon an hour ago?". "Yes SGT, I borrowed SSG So and So's ACOG this time. He qualified already and told me it's way better than a CCO."

Closing the wrong eye to see through peep sight

On a 60 range, I heard a PFC say "The different colors on the rounds are causing them to fly differently"

Not specific to a firing range, but I was running a recruiting event in Louisville a few years ago. A teenager came up to me and, completely serious, asked me what video games he should be playing to help prepare him for actual military service.

Soldier coming off firing line to get lane score(Soldier shot a 11): "my weapon is broke"
Range OIC(myself): "what's wrong with it"
Soldier: I had a malfunction
Range OIC: did you perform SPORTS?
Soldier: what's SPORTS? I tried to correct it and by the time I did 7 targets had come up and gone down.
Range OIC: did you do PMI with your unit?
Soldier: what's PMI?
Range OIC(blood pressure slowly rising due to attitude slowly growing from Soldier): where is you Squad/Team Leader?
Soldier(goes to get Squad Leader)....
Range OIC to Squad Leader: did you give PMI classes to your Soldiers?
Squad Leader: no we didn't have time. Soldier deserves a alibi..
Range OIC: and why does Soldier deserve a alibi?
Squad Leader: Soldier had a malfunction.
Range OIC: go get you 1SG.
1SG: what's the problem?
Range OIC to 1SG: explained all the above.
1SG: we'll be back later.

3 hrs later. Soldier, Squad Leader, PSG, and 1SG return. Apologizes to Range OIC from Soldier to Range OIC for attitude. Soldier shoots 39 out of 40. Soldier is now mad because won't be qualified Expert due to fact of refire cops another attitude in front of ALL.
Range OIC: walks away SMH and laughing while listening to 1SG handling situation.

Sorry folks. I can't make this shit up....

Most of the time they'll blame it on the weapon. I've had people say the trigger isn't working and it will be because of two things: not turning the safety off or not pulling the trigger back all the way. Also, they'll claim to know so much about guns but not realize something is wrong with the trigger when the trigger spring breaks. Ask if they're supposed to switch eyes when switching hands. Not shooting with their dominate eye at all. They'll shoot with their weak hand the whole time then tell you that they typically shoot with the other hand. I can go on and on.

When the best answer comes up, please let me know. People snicker when I shoot at the range. Could be why I joined the Navy, prescience. I can hit something with a .45 by throwing it at a target, better than shooting it at a target.

don't know if I would call it an excuse, the entire company ran out of water about half way through the range, I got severely dehydrated, literally saw 2 50 meter targets, yeah, I woke up in the clinic with an IV in each arm...