Will "coming out" to your new unit hurt your career?

SSG(P) Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 27 Nov 2016 20:47:09 -0500

I'm sponsoring a Sgt that coming to my unit in the near future. He asks me a couple of questions about the unit and the people in the unit. He then asks me about being gay will it hurt his career. I told him it shouldn't matter what you do behind close doors. If you're in or out of the closet, I still will treat you with respect and as far as I understand it, we have two females that married their partners and they have had any problems. So you shouldn't have a problem either, but it's your choice. Did I give the proper advice? Should he come out, without it hurting his career?

Response by SGM Billy Herrington made Nov 27 at 2016 8:53 PM

SGM Billy Herrington — Sun, 27 Nov 2016 20:53:41 -0500

A persons sexuality is their business in my book. As long as the job is done safely and correctly, at the end of the day I don't care about your bedroom partner.

It shouldn't have any bearing on his career. I'm a personal type person so I don't tell my business. It's completely his call. A family day our spouses dining out might force him to reveal or conceal. I do not think it is fair or conducive to good order for an SM to hide who they are. He should be comfortable in his skin, screw anyone who thinks otherwise.

Response by LTC Private RallyPoint Member made Nov 27 at 2016 9:18 PM

LTC Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 27 Nov 2016 21:18:31 -0500

Maybe I'm reading your Op wrong, but it sounds like the SGT is already "out of the closet" and is asking about whether the rest of the unit will accept him based upon his performance or if there is predjudice against gays. It is hard to imagine a gay soldier who is not serving openly confiding the fact that he is gay to a sponsor in a new unit that he barely knows, and who could easily spill his secret. The risks of disclosure are too great to just tell that to a sponsor.

It's easy to say that "all that matters is performance" and that's the way it should be, but a simple review of articles and even posts here on RP will show that there are many people adamantly opposed to gays having the same rights as heterosexuals, including the right to serve openly in the military. And many of those could be in his chain of command or other positions of authority and could be in a position to harm his career.

And while you appear to be opened minded, your use of the phrase "what you do behind closed doors" is actually part of the problem. Many of those who are anti-gay say things like "why do they have to flaunt it" or "why do they have to expose us to that" for simply doing the routine things that heterosexuals do everyday without anyone noticing, like kissing their partner goodbye after getting dropped off at work, or having a picture of their loved one on their desk. When straight couples do that, it's "normal", but if a gay couple does it, it's "flaunting it". They expect gays to keep themselves and their loved ones hidden away, behind closed doors.

So if you have people in your unit that feel that way, he may indeed encounter difficulties. That's what I'd guess he was seeking info about.

Response by SFC George Smith made Nov 27 at 2016 9:19 PM

SFC George Smith — Sun, 27 Nov 2016 21:19:51 -0500

interesting...

Response by MSG Private RallyPoint Member made Nov 27 at 2016 10:04 PM

MSG Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 27 Nov 2016 22:04:24 -0500

I have a gay Soldier in my unit. He gets his mission done and just recently graduated BLC. I think you gave sound advice.

Response by MSG Private RallyPoint Member made Nov 28 at 2016 12:01 AM

MSG Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 28 Nov 2016 00:01:56 -0500

I don't know why the "gay question" was ever brought out? Why would a Soldier ask a question like that to another Soldier...he barely knows you. Maybe I am hyper alert to things like this as I always see someone doing this for attention or an "I got you moment".

Response by SFC Daniel McIntire made Nov 28 at 2016 6:24 AM

SFC Daniel McIntire — Mon, 28 Nov 2016 06:24:01 -0500

SGT Williams,
You have directed the focus to where it should be, job performance. Yes every has an opinion and not everyone may agree with personal choices. Until it becomes a disruption, it is not an issue.

Response by SGT Frank Pritchett made Nov 28 at 2016 6:46 AM

SGT Frank Pritchett — Mon, 28 Nov 2016 06:46:59 -0500

I view being gay is like viewing religon no one cares unless you talk about it and push the issue. I have had several gays in my squad as asquad leader and my only concern was skill level. They functiuoned perfectly with no issues. that subject should never come up unless somthing wrong is happening.

Response by Maj Marty Hogan made Nov 28 at 2016 7:41 AM

Maj Marty Hogan — Mon, 28 Nov 2016 07:41:42 -0500

I don't see it as a relevant question today. I came in during Dont Ask Dont Tell and when we got someone new we were only concerned with if they had a family or not. That was to ensure the family membera had the right support upon arrival. Non issue in today's military.

Response by Cpl Justin Goolsby made Nov 28 at 2016 8:21 AM

Cpl Justin Goolsby — Mon, 28 Nov 2016 08:21:05 -0500

Personally, I hate the term "coming out". You're either gay or you're not. You are correct that what goes on in the bedroom is no one's business. But how in the world can someone question whether or not "coming out" is going to hurt their career. Aside from the fact that DADT is gone, any kind of discrimination whether it's race/religion/gender/sexual orientation... all of it comes with severe legal repercussions.

I think your advice was more than adequate.

Response by PO1 Private RallyPoint Member made Nov 28 at 2016 8:42 AM

PO1 Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 28 Nov 2016 08:42:39 -0500

I think it was admiral of you to say "I still will treat you with respect". That's how I feel as well. Idc what you do behind close doors, none of my business. If you come to your company, uniform squared away and you do your tasks and responsibilities, no issues. I expect that out of everyone that I work with or is working under me whether you have a different gender, sexual preference, religion.

Also I would have mentioned that if you bring drama, it can hurt you in the long run do to it distracting you from a mission or tasks need completed. If the Soldier has a level head, then there shouldn't be any problems waiting for him when he checks in.

Response by SPC Private RallyPoint Member made Nov 29 at 2016 12:17 PM

SPC Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 29 Nov 2016 12:17:09 -0500

My personal recommendation, as an LGBTQ soldier, is to not make it an issue. I've not "come out" to my unit, but some of my battles do know. They don't care.
A thing I've always done, no matter if it's friends or peers or superiors, is to make them like you and then come out. First and foremost, be a good soldier. They won't care after that. Sure, there will always be those who don't agree with it. Simply don't let them get in the way of your career.
I hope that helps.

Response by CW3 Private RallyPoint Member made Dec 3 at 2016 11:40 AM

CW3 Private RallyPoint Member — Sat, 03 Dec 2016 11:40:52 -0500

Always remember. Your an NCO and that Soldier is your responsibility. It matters not what his/her sexual orientation is and you only deal with the professional ability and mentor them to get better in that. You only deal with the personal side when your asked by them for advice or when it effects their well being. I deployed with a Captain that is gay and was my mentor and was one of the best leaders I have surved with in my 30 years in the military. Do what you do best and just be a good NCO to the new Soldier. That is all he or anyone expects of you.

Response by CPO Rashad Boyd made Oct 17 at 2017 1:17 AM

CPO Rashad Boyd — Tue, 17 Oct 2017 01:17:27 -0400

Look at it like this I hear we're straight would tell the unit hey I am straight!! So why should he worry about telling them he is gay. No one cares tell him that and till him to focus on checking in to the command gitting settled in and focus on his new job.