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As I continue my journey as a Child and Family Therapist, I thought I would take the time to share with you a few tips that can fundamentally change the behaviors of our children (for the better) in a way that isn’t discussed very often. What is it? The way we parent.
I have had the honor of working with dozens of children from families of Veterans. I am about to let you in on a little secret: Unless the child has been through a traumatic event, the true therapeutic benefits come from the 10 to 15 minutes I spend with the parents at the end of sessions. Today, I am going to share with you the top three recommendations I give to parents (and use myself).
1 – Parents should focus on dropping the “Vet-isms”. What are “Vet-isms”? They are behaviors that we learned in the military that helped us operate in the military environment. And the first “Vet-ism” that parents need to be aware of is: we spend much of the time in uniform looking for “what is wrong”. From early morning physical training to walking through the unit area, we are constantly looking for what is wrong. We are taught in the military to find what is wrong, make a correction, retrain if needed, and then continue our day; continuing to focus on making “on the spot” corrections.
Unfortunately, this behavior leaks into our parenting (which is normal as we spend much of our day in uniform). The research is overwhelming, in that it shows our children will repeat a positive behavior when it is praised, versus being told when they are doing something wrong. Positive attention brings higher self-esteem, happiness, and creates better relationships. The opposite happens when we parent our children, as if they are a member of the military, by telling them what they are doing isn’t correct or is “bad”.
2 – Our children learn through their parent’s demonstrated behaviors. One of the most common phrases I use with parents is “If you want cool, calm, and collected kiddos in all situations, the parents need to be cool, calm, and collected in all situations”. We cannot expect our kids to “not yell” when they become frustrated if the parents yell when they become frustrated. Our number one job as a parent is to “demonstrate the behaviors we want to see in our children”.
During the first assessment with a child client, I explore the parent’s relationship with each other. Children learn their behaviors from observation. If a kiddo has difficulty in controlling their emotions and yells, they more than likely learned it from watching their parents yell when they become “mad” or “angry”. Remember: If you want cool, calm, and collected kiddos, we parents must demonstrate those behaviors for them on a consistent basis.
3 – Time. The most valuable commodity we can give our children is our time. And by time, I am referring to quality connection time at the child’s level. I understand being tired after a long day of work, training event, or just regular life activities, but our children need attention at their level.
When children do not get the attention they need, they will seek that attention in other ways. These attention seeking behaviors can often look like emotional outbursts or they may conduct behaviors that bring upon negative attention (lying, cheating, stealing). Find ways to connect with your children while conducting activities that excite them. Play age appropriate games together, go for walks, or just talk about the silly stuff that goes through kiddo’s heads. Show them that they matter, that they are loved, and that you care, and their behaviors will take a turn for the positive.
If you or someone you know in the Washington State area needs support please reach out to my team by calling us at [login to see] or emailing us at [login to see] We are veterans and military family members ourselves. We get it and are here to help you get back to better. Learn more about our local services at https://rly.pt/ValleyCitiesCohenClinic
If you, or someone you know, is in need of confidential counseling and therapy in an additional location, you can find a clinic here: https://rly.pt/CohenClinics
If someone is in need of immediate or emergency care, please stop now and call 9-1-1.
Please contact the VA Veterans Crisis Line at: [login to see] Press 1
I have had the honor of working with dozens of children from families of Veterans. I am about to let you in on a little secret: Unless the child has been through a traumatic event, the true therapeutic benefits come from the 10 to 15 minutes I spend with the parents at the end of sessions. Today, I am going to share with you the top three recommendations I give to parents (and use myself).
1 – Parents should focus on dropping the “Vet-isms”. What are “Vet-isms”? They are behaviors that we learned in the military that helped us operate in the military environment. And the first “Vet-ism” that parents need to be aware of is: we spend much of the time in uniform looking for “what is wrong”. From early morning physical training to walking through the unit area, we are constantly looking for what is wrong. We are taught in the military to find what is wrong, make a correction, retrain if needed, and then continue our day; continuing to focus on making “on the spot” corrections.
Unfortunately, this behavior leaks into our parenting (which is normal as we spend much of our day in uniform). The research is overwhelming, in that it shows our children will repeat a positive behavior when it is praised, versus being told when they are doing something wrong. Positive attention brings higher self-esteem, happiness, and creates better relationships. The opposite happens when we parent our children, as if they are a member of the military, by telling them what they are doing isn’t correct or is “bad”.
2 – Our children learn through their parent’s demonstrated behaviors. One of the most common phrases I use with parents is “If you want cool, calm, and collected kiddos in all situations, the parents need to be cool, calm, and collected in all situations”. We cannot expect our kids to “not yell” when they become frustrated if the parents yell when they become frustrated. Our number one job as a parent is to “demonstrate the behaviors we want to see in our children”.
During the first assessment with a child client, I explore the parent’s relationship with each other. Children learn their behaviors from observation. If a kiddo has difficulty in controlling their emotions and yells, they more than likely learned it from watching their parents yell when they become “mad” or “angry”. Remember: If you want cool, calm, and collected kiddos, we parents must demonstrate those behaviors for them on a consistent basis.
3 – Time. The most valuable commodity we can give our children is our time. And by time, I am referring to quality connection time at the child’s level. I understand being tired after a long day of work, training event, or just regular life activities, but our children need attention at their level.
When children do not get the attention they need, they will seek that attention in other ways. These attention seeking behaviors can often look like emotional outbursts or they may conduct behaviors that bring upon negative attention (lying, cheating, stealing). Find ways to connect with your children while conducting activities that excite them. Play age appropriate games together, go for walks, or just talk about the silly stuff that goes through kiddo’s heads. Show them that they matter, that they are loved, and that you care, and their behaviors will take a turn for the positive.
If you or someone you know in the Washington State area needs support please reach out to my team by calling us at [login to see] or emailing us at [login to see] We are veterans and military family members ourselves. We get it and are here to help you get back to better. Learn more about our local services at https://rly.pt/ValleyCitiesCohenClinic
If you, or someone you know, is in need of confidential counseling and therapy in an additional location, you can find a clinic here: https://rly.pt/CohenClinics
If someone is in need of immediate or emergency care, please stop now and call 9-1-1.
Please contact the VA Veterans Crisis Line at: [login to see] Press 1
Parenting
Behavioral Health
Children
Therapy
Counseling
Posted >1 y ago
Responses: 3
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Sgt Dale Briggs
It’s never too late to matter, I learned this the hard way with my son who’s in the AF. I really screwed this one up big time, now we’re not on speaking terms. So if it’s never too late to fuck things up it’s never too late to do do what matters most.
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SP5 Dennis Loberger
Sgt Dale Briggs - fortunately we never got that bad. I spent entirely too much time working and too little time doing things with my boys. We are on good terms but I could have done a better job
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MAJ Byron Oyler
Sgt Dale Briggs - I think it is more common than not to have rough times between father and son. My Father went to Nam as a medic and then nursing school. Thirty years later, I was him (accept I did nursing school before Afghanistan), and we had our rough times over the years. He signed for me to enlist but never approved of nursing school. All goes well, he and my Mother are moving in early January as I am an only child and their health is declining. I matured, he got old, and we are closer now than ever.
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SFC Chuck Martinez
Likewise Top but being deployed all the time makes it hard and now that I am retired, they all moved to different states!
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This is something I think about often. I enlisted at 17 and between guard and RA, I hit 24 years in February. I have seen to many seniors with their messed up children in the ER. Some brought to much Army home, others spent to much time at work focusing on that next promotion and not the promotion at home. I think the best thing I brought home from the military is mission first and my son every bit understands what I do for him is to make him successful in whatever he choses in life. He does not like running but understands so many jobs when he turns 18 require minimal fitness he is out there pushing himself. When I take his XBOX away he understands why and I fill his time with meaningful things to do. My children chasing the best nursing home possible for me is my primary mission today...
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Sgt (Join to see)
MAJ Byron Oyler Lol You might not need one! I’m know of and hear about a number of folks in their 80s and 90s who are happy and still self sufficient. Many (that I’m aware of) have faith in God and/or are “givers”, generous ; these attributes undoubtedly strengthen an older life IMO
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MAJ Javier Rivera
While I was in, it was a job! Once I walked away from the shop that was it, only thing it came home was the uniform some residual from the field, drop zone, motor pool, or whatever I was doing that day. A few minutes conversation with my wife about the day... done. No more US Army; not at home. Once my son was born (later my daughter) it became even better! Home by 5:30 (see, not 17:30) most days. Never such thing like come to work early and leave late. Or the ridiculous oxymoron of family... “first mission always”. Wonder who came up with such crap?
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SGT Randall Smith
As a "Army Brat I hated the army. Dad was a tanker in Germany in WW2. I was born at Ft. Campbell, Ky but he was in Germany. I know he came home and we went to Ft. Hood, Tex. I don't remember any of it except we lived upstairs in a old barracks made into two story duplex's. Next I remember, he was not a Sgt anymore but a 1st Lt and we were living with grandparents and he was off to Korea. He was infantry and we moved every 12 to 16 months. Military schools were ok, we were all alike. Going to school in town was tough, we were different from the others.
When he died I sat with my three brothers and we were talking. I ask the younger two who they were talking about. Was it a saint? Dad was the meanest SOB I ever knew. He treated me and the next younger brother like privates and had a fast belt. If a belt was not handy a coat hanger would work. When my brother Rod and I went into the Army he was disappointed, we were not officers. I was a radio operator and Rod was Special Forces.
When he died I sat with my three brothers and we were talking. I ask the younger two who they were talking about. Was it a saint? Dad was the meanest SOB I ever knew. He treated me and the next younger brother like privates and had a fast belt. If a belt was not handy a coat hanger would work. When my brother Rod and I went into the Army he was disappointed, we were not officers. I was a radio operator and Rod was Special Forces.
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Great advise! Some I learned along the way, others I see in hindsight now. We do the best we can. :)
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