Nationwide Gravesite Locator

Poems of life 2014


The VA
Hello Today
My life has long drifted away
As if a ghost replaced
The dreams of security I once held great

How can this be?
My truck-a secure home-a love life-a job- a career- acceptance by my family-my destiny.
Impounded taken away
day by day year by year
instantly and so easily.

Not before but a few years into the military
things started to tear.

Reservist get not many saftey nets
it is clear.

A reservist on drill weekend
can be commanded to do lifealtering things
in negative ways

young impressionable
does not question anything

but into the hole his heart and mind will stay
no escape
no one gives him a mental health questionnaire
when he leaves that day

upset angry
no health care
a reservist
with a uniform
asked to do dangerous mind numbing things
is in a different game
when commanded by active duty
who do not care
when they the active duty have all the protection they need to get help for anxiety

but a young reservist going to college concurrently
dreaming of being an officer in the navy
working a part time job just to buy food pay rent
with no health care like the active duty get
to understand why he is getting panic attacks, that he put on a physical exam he finally realized after review in 2013, when under stress
soon after serving on the USS SIDES that actve duty combatant ship
that would tear me up month by month and make me feel like SH’T
that shut down his left arm and chest making it hard to drive
he pulls over on the freeway just to catch his breath
yes this happened
i lived it
a fragile existence
no silver spoon
need i say more
need i say less
gets a headache on that weekend
takes it to the rest the life he lives
affects his ego
as he is still under the threat of the active duties jest and contempt
for a reservist on a reservist weekend

My heart
my hands
My love
These lands

No security
for a poor man see

When I was a kid
I just wanted to fit in

When I was in high school
I played sports
I was cool
I succeeded team leader varsity
I did!

When I joined the military 18
I won the best recruit award in bootcamp just doing what I did easily
Not knowing I could even win the award surprisingly given to me

A good kid
A good heart
On a good path
Proving he had the talent to be a success
No mental health issues yet stopping him from being the best
A good kid
A good heart
On a good path
make good on a dream of living creating security
Fulfilling my potential
healthy and smart

Soon I was in my first college semester
Sitting front in class
taking everything in
Good grades As and Bs I passed

An officer soon to be
I would see
my future was in front of me

Soon I had a girlfriend
the love of my life
my first love

She loved I was in the military
I was proud
I was going to a success
A provider and all the rest

But who would of guessed?
Who would of forseen?

Soon I would be put in a unit that would basically destroy me
Unable to talk
Unable to understand a thing
I suffered
all the above
disappeared in front of me

As I suffered from PTSD
undiagnosed untreated
even after being PSYCH DQd
when I tried to transfer into the ARMY at 22 to get away from the NAVY
when numerous life threatening things happened to me
starting at 19

And they ask me why am I confused ?
was I supposed to be super human
was I supposed to understand all these things

Being PSYCH dqd with no follow up
only made me more sick

Going down hill quick
22
sick sick sick

a few months later
i was off that ship

never talking about it again

but that damage was done
my life had taken a dangerous turn

my brain had been hardwired to be scared and unsure

19-23 on an American Combatant ship that sank a young mans destiny

No healthcare No TAPS to take care of this kid.

Health care and TAPS are only given to Active Duty Kin.
Even if they are a librarian, a photographer, a cook, a storekeeper man or woman
they get
the full check up
the full check in
the full exam at taps
and then they are a vet in the end
go to school
get a degree
get a job
have a family
have a kid

A young straight reservist
will get checked in
he is young strong smart and willing
a clean bill of health
went to the same bootcamp that everyone else went to
he passed that test
the best recruit
proving he has the intent
to serve honorably
he would sacrifice it all that is the glory
from that point on
he can be ordered to do the most crazy things
in military uniform that can make him go crazy
when you put that uniform on they can command you to do anything

do things fall through the cracks?
not all things created or invented
would have great results in the end.

some things invented or created
will actually have negative destructive human consequence.

what positive outcome would there be?
to putting a young brave man
with active duty
expect him
to fit in
feel safe
with active duty
on an active duty ship
for years
as a reservist
with the most limited of training and abilities

Besides the uniform
there is no connection
there is nothing
the active duty can see
as useful
of a young man
who does not know nothing
and can never know much of anything
and is a real threat or hazard
on an active duty combatant ship
with severe limited training
He will be treated as a liablity
He will not be treated equally

This young man will loose his dream
This young man will be limited in everything
He will never see the extreme rise in abilities and confidence and frienships
the other guys get his age
all active duty have he sees

it is a very lonely place indeed.
when in bootcamp
friendships is what he sees
and he is happy and fits in easily

being in the military
friendships are a large plus and required
for positive mental health
to keep it together doing military things




pitting his desire to be the best
in a place that will crush all of that
he has no friends
there is not a single other young man his age there doing the same thing
active duty his age
live complete different lives
save the days they meet

it is like a dog being kicked out of the litter
it is like a lion being kicked out of the pride

the loneliness
the story of the castaway
played out in me

PTSD and depression isolation can do such things

but no health care for him
he is just a reservist man
the penny pinchers
did not see
that when on Inactive duty training
He is being ordered and judged by all active duty
on an active duty ship
Who have full health care friends family paycheck home and food
These guys dont care
He only has 2 days to get in and get skills
But that will never work
this ship is meant for active duty

He starts to crack
He starts to see
Death and the end of a dream

The symptoms of pulling away from loved ones
I can not see how PTSD makes this happen easily

when he succeeded in bootcamp he could see the future bright bold he was and clean
having success in the military can have great affects on a young mans psychology

go there
then take it away
with no safety net
he will lose his brain


I can now see how being attacked at a young age
by those who are supposed to be your team
can catch you off guard
crushing a young kid alone
confusing everything
making realities of suicidal tendencies

He did not have a great family support team.
He found 2 things out at 30
His dad was still alive who was gone around the time I was 10
and his dad was a Vietnam Vet
Who was awarded 100 percent service connection in 2005
Decades late
PTSD untreated from Vietnam affected not only him
But the family he could not maintain
My single mother with 3 kids
Never got anything
No support from the VA

I grew up poor
without a dad.

But years of abuse took its toll on him
but from him and others I started to learn about disability

He is a mess still unfortunately and we do not have a great relation. Although I still care and love him. He did his best when drafted. He sacrificed. He was not treated. He still talks of death and violence..reliving combat with me.

2 generations affected by honorable military service now my story reads. 2 seperate stories. Father and son.


I was fighting my own war inside.
but like a warrior with ego and pride and testosterone I fought
but was losing as the body withers under anger without knowing the root cause.
I still never talked really in detail about my service. Just that I served and that was it. I felt bad and empty about my service.


Even though I missed him like any normal kid would
I succeeded still graduating high school a varsity athlete.

And even after meeting him decades late.
I still could not recall my failed military attempt
Left in the dark of my mind
these stories I tell only came out
when I finally personally gave up in 2011
awarded SSDI for mental health dated back to 2005 and my stint in the suicide hospital,still unable to recall what happened on that ship, even then,
after fighting for years of PSYCH symptoms, starting in the military, with a cause I even blamed on my mercury fillings that I got in the navy from TRICARE. Although I got like 20 fillings at once because the Tricare Dentist did it, and I have read that these type of dental filligs and mercury can cause violent personalities...it still did not make sense..about my socialization and work problems.



Until I started to recall all the real world actions of sickness and fear isolation that happened monthly on that ship that I took with me thoughout everytihng else in my life as the sunday I left blended into that next week and month with how I treated and reacted to people around me.

I started to become very defensive at anything i determined as being directed as critisism to me.

Direct coorliation to the Navy just laying it on me while on that ship as I could not keep up or felt lost and was always behind in that department. I stopped being able to trust work relations. That also make me get fired a bunch of times in my 20s to the point I just gave up, as my SSDI Paper work shows

But SSDI never could find or even looked for the 1998 PSYCH dq red flag with no treatment.

This is to me my real date of disability.

From this point on I never made much money fired often homeless on an off etc etc etc etc way before 2005.

But in 2013 still digging around
I finally figured out possibly a lead to get my own records from MEPSCOM and it happened
the red flag of the ARMY psych DQ was true

They never gave me this record by the way
It was just verbally told to me
I was suffering
but the navy did not see me as high enough priority to help a young sailor trying to make sense of something killing him in the ship of doom

Soon after this 2013 email i had proof in service of something that was completely missed and I suffered then and for the rest of my life poor unable to get my

The only reason I tell these stories now
that keep flooding my mind
like a river that leads to the ocean
of forever
is the Email I finally received
from MepsCom in 2013
showing
when I joined the Navy Healthy
8 year enlistment
Psych DQd 4 years later
by the Army
When I tried to transfer
Save my life and my mind
half way through
to many years
on a ship
that was killing me slowly
with a grip
that no one else i ever knew lived
but a logical person can contemplate
that did happen
making me sick
still the Navy
I finally realize
never did anything
even after this point

no where in my service jacket
you will not find
where I was pull aside to discuss the PSYCH dq
possibly transfer me
possibly transfer me out

I don’t know.
what I do know is that I was PSYCH unfit for the ARMY
I suffered more from that point.
Now under duress.
I could not complete a logical decision to get out of a dangerous place for me on that navy ship
And save my military career dream

I would of been a vet by now.
I should be a vet now anyways.

I served 8 years with an active military ID
Every month under the UCMJ
The whole 8 years keeping a full seabag.
I was awarded an honorable discharge
I have hundreds and hundreds of days in uniform.
I worked with only active duty who tormented me.

I passed the minimum 2 year enlistment-with an 8 year enlistment- standard where only 180 days-I have way more then that in uniform broken up - need to be served active duty to get vet status and a DD214.

It seems I was a guinea pig.

I never served at a reserve center.
When i was there.
I did see a lot of Marines working together maintaining their firearms
But me I was out in the hardest most elite unit now disbanded and no longer funded because it was found to be a waste.

But I served in these units at its height.

I knew no different.

I beg for mercy.

I love all men and women who served and sacrificed.

I have the same commitement that everyone else did and does.

I lost my safety and mind to conditions I am still only realizing all happened in uniform.

Of course I did not video tape the assault by the e9 on my when he set me up to help him so he could get me alone, i now surmise, and put me up against the bulkhead, punching me, forearm against me chest and neck to control me, as i begged what the hell was wrong, sometime when I was about 21 years old. Of course I did not report it. It was useless. I am glad i did not fight back. he would of blamed me of course. he was trying to intimidate me and shock me back into compliance or something. I think that day my uniform I did not have enough clean undershirts.I am sure the others in the next compartment heard it. We were only separated by a bulkhead. He was newer to the ship. Maybe he did not know me all that well.
He knew my uniform. He expected whatever he expected. I was already depressive. I think the other guys senior petty officers must of known this. But this e9 command master chief was the command master chief in charge of all enlisted. He was definitely an alpha male kick ass kind of guy.


I am still surprised. But from that point on i went down hill more. I think that is about the time I started getting in street fights.

And that is not even discussing Murdoch, 10 years older then me, an e3, me an e3, working together moving supplies, me new to the ship of a few months, asking him why people picked on him, because he was an older e3, who talked of wishing he had his firearm that was at his house. And that if he would see me in the world outside of the ship I should remember that.

He was reprimanded and went to CaptainsMast . I was scared to go back to that ship of course. I was the only reservist in that department my age. I had no active duty time. And being instigated in someone, an active duty guy, loosing a paygrade, well I really felt queessy at how others would think of me.

I think people definitely stood back from me. I was only 19.





One day of torture in the Navy can do such things
It is easy to make a kid beg for mercy
no matter how strong he was before these bad overwhelming challenging things





But from there the next 4 years
I Lost my mind
I became a suicidal angry self hating sad fool
confused
unable to control his emotions anymore
a mess all the time
and people never knew
what was happening to me
on those weekends
on an active duty combatant ship
that shook me
like a chicken getting eaten by a dog
thrown side to side

My own team
The circumstances
Crushed me like a weak tool
Nearly instantly and easily
a tool not meant for this kind of misery
Not enough amperage to work with this machinery

Was it my fault?
Who the hell else could figure this impossible rubix cube out
To learn faster and more than anyone else
on 2 days when they lived it day in day out
and I got judged just like them with the same uniform on
without a doubt
More pressure than words can speak about
and no mental health specialist to give me perspective throughout

No wonder I don’t like working anymore
It is stress.
I see failure before
I see overwhelming stress of failing before
I don’t see anyone willing to give me a safe place to learn anymore






A scar burned into my psyche on that ship
for 4 years when I was just a kid
looking to fit in
just like bootcamp
where we were all even
I succeeded and won the best recruit award

My world turned.
Suicidal hospital would occur
Sharp knives on wrist insecure

Yes even 1 bad terrible day in the navy can make a kid disturbed
How about 4 years
you will learn
your world will turn
what was thought of as safe
will burn

Who thought This could not happen
Did the military think I was super man dude
Able to learn faster easier then them and withstand alienation ostracization
just because I had a different enlistment
did not mean I was now something worthless to myself
but to them I was useless
they controlled my psyche
i depended on their saying I was good or bad still
when in bootcamp we were 1 big nation

I wish I was super man
But that is rude
who ever thought i could withstand that maze
it was kryptonite to a superhuman dude
i was never super human
my young ego and pride and sense of surviving my enlistment
without getting a dishonorable discharge
strongly in my mind
before and after the Army PSYCH DQ I was serving under fear and duress
with limited insuficient benefits
to protect me
from a situation
that if anyone really examined was crushing me

I am not a super hero comic man
My days of fighting in anger are nearly done
to many street fights and drinking and self hate
not connecting the dots
the military was destroying what I once felt was right
it adds up

no compassion at all
you are either one of them
the crew
the true crew
or you fall

i was an outsider
once an insider
looking in
but the view was dim
so dim
i was blurred

i can still see how confused i still was

reservist with my enlistment no active duty are not meant to be there
i recollect
until proven otherwise
i never met another enlisted guy
straight bootcamp reservist
on an active duty combatant ship
in the toughest department on the ship
the deck department
where bullying and young men e1 e2 e3
all get sent
pecking orders do exist

me the lowest of the low
below low
so low that is swallows you whole
no where to go





will i always be scared
went to the top
joined the military
fell off
into an abyss of fear
not sure how to trust things again

scared as i walked the ship
not able to know how and what they know
their lives so different then mine 98 percent of the time
my 2 percent of their knowledge does not get me much I find
save a smerk
oh and sometimes active duty my age would say “reserve weekends suck”
basically in my head “reservist “me” are jerks”

Guilt complexes persist.
I hate myself for even existing

I never wanted to return
I was not meant to make someone elses lives a misery
4 years nearly I would return to be reminded I was going no where but down quick

with no way out
my body shuttered

overwhelmed
I became stiff

my love life, my mom, my sister and brother, college suffered
they all started to distance themselves and I quit

yes believe it or not the navy 8 year enlistment
counting towards retirement
was my backbone of my future developing quick

get a degree
become an officer
was the trick

but when you are severely threatened over years
by the same team you hope to be part of
your dreams become dust in the wind

Try to join the Army
attempt something else
as a last ditch effort
to save my future quick
PSYCH dqd
sent back
never a follow up by the navy

I continued to serve under duress getting more sick

Sick in civilian life
civilian life
against those who I could fight
without fear of the brig alright

who was I to tell them to toughen up?
my weekend to shine in uniform like bootcamp was now amok
who was I to tell them to toughen up?
it was 20 young guys my age active duty and me 1 reservist what the F-ck

i am on their dime
i just ask for mercy
don’t throw me over the ship sometimes
in my mind

but its what you know
sympathy on a combatant ship is no where to find
its either get up to speed or get crushed get out of line



What happens when the deck is stacked against you
You can not run
You can not hide
Your lack of skills will be suicide

This is not college where a teacher sits ideally by
questions are desired
answers are given without stress that you are a waste of time

This is an active duty ship for active duty men
Not a place for people for people that dont have enought time to get up to speed to be one of them and feel safe on a combatant ship full speed
you become a fake ghost to yourself
questioning reality
scared
no voice to even understand conceptualize this new fucked up disturbing crushing draining threatening damaging friendly fire disease
against what no one would consider a safe place to get up to speed

a broken rubix cube
given to him by the military
people he sees as god
a kid with honor and pride
trying to succeed
will try to figure it out while frying his brain
creating a new fucked up sad disturbing reality
that will see him in a hospital cutting himself
blaming himself
angry sad unable to succeed
at the most important thing he sees

disturbed when he sees the others his age
easily learn
on the path to success
full of charisma across their chest
standing the best watches
while I get stuck below the brow unable to see a future like this

those same kids torture him and disturb treating him way different as he is a leper or nerd
my socialization became way disturbed
the people i need to fit in for saftey sake
consider me a leper some kind of terd

a reservist on this ship became some kind of bad word

this would follow me in my psyche
where ever i turned

the best decision
i thought to join the navy
left me in a hole of hell disturbed
considering jumping in front of traffic
not knowing what to do to control the sadness
I was to endure

my future
the next 8 years
were now controlled for little benefit
paycheck a lot of grief stripping of my spirit and bonus of fear

tell me anyone that can be on the most professional stage
working with the best professionals
who do it day in day out
only having 2 days a month to figure it out
a scab
thrown on stage
as the firetruck goes to a real fire
or
put in the Major Leagues at second base in front of thousands quivering
not enough experience with the rest of the team to even pop a smile

do this for 4 years same scenario repeated
it does not make a good outcome
of the person who had to try to make good of this real F-ked up deal

Especially if he is only 19
with no coping mechanisms
with no safety net
with no idea where to do
when his brain is overwhelmed
his anxiety takes him down
as he fumbles trying to move the hose
or he boots the ball because he is not really trained at all
the people around him do not laugh with him
they laugh at him and are angry
as the whole house burns down
or the ball game is lost
he looks like a clown

when his whole life is undercut by this place
that destroyed his ability to feel included
That destroyed his ability to be safe
that destroyed his ability to feel wanted
to destroyed his ability that he was going any place in life

in life I watched month by month
the active duty my age
succeed
become more confident
take on more skills
take on more of everything it takes to succeed in life

I could not partake
I was stagnant in the biggest game in my life

my future was now torn
with no solution as of 20 years old I started to notice this

I was in retrospect
put in the only unit
with my skill sets
that would be the worst most destructive unit possible

how do I know this?
my 3rd and last unit
suffering just to get to the finish line of an 8 year enlistment
having gone backwards in life
was MSC
Militay Sealift Command for approximatly 3 years

It was staffed only be reservists
we never back talked each other
we never called each other names
we never did anything like that

all i can say is if that place I would of entered first
my life would of been better

Reservists respect reservists
plain and simple\

the exact opposite was happening on this ship
Imagine ROTC guys coming to a ship not as a team but just 1.
he would have no one to talk with to buddy up with that could understand his unique situation.
usually i always saw on ships were ROTC guys come as teams for companionship.
it makes sense

I never met anyone with no active duty time for the 4 years I was there on that ship who I could buddy up with


being put in any situation in life where you lack skills to be there
and have not possible way of catching up
and this place has the potential for injury and even death in training
and the people you work with all of them have way more skills then you and live it every day
and these same people have no reason to care much about you only that you did not die on thier watch
and you get limited benefits that do not cover the grief you will get
something is wrong
and there will be bad consequences

to see what others are able to to and succeed right in front of him on the same ship and he can not be or participate with people he thought would be his brothers endlessly

he missed his chance at family
now just a floating feather
no destiny
no weather
just time
but time does not count
it is all lumped together

the last 20 years
hiding what it was that tore me up
feather by feather
stripping me naked now screwed and open and being blown around by the winds of torment weather

people know when someone is sick
it is in their words
it is in their speech
it is in their appearance

My mom knew
soon after joining the military
after coming home bright and clean and new with my military dress blues
a few years later I was scared mess getting angry cursing and getting chaotic dropping out of school
unable to talk about what happened on the weekends in the navy drill.



Me against them
1 with no active duty experience on an active duty combatant ship
with no active duty skills
judged controlled by nearly 200 men
all of them had active duty experience
I did not have

A tool to weak to withstand
Death Threats And limited skills sets man

Being a reservist means a few things
You get paid very little for 8 years to live by the UCMJ and maintain your seabag always
You get minimal health exams mentally only to see if you have suicidal or homicidal tendencies Even if you complain of panic attacks that are scary
You get no health care access, save dental, in between weekends amazingly for anything
You don’t even get TAPS, like the Active Duty Man, to review health records and explain why the ARMY PSYCH dqd me in 1998 as I tried to escape the NAVY and its deathly ways to my humanity
It is even written in the rules how I was a second class citizen not deserving more than a beatdown in sunday school by the bully who controlled and ruled

Being a reservist means one more thing
You a young man can be used abused told to do things physically challenging, made fun of for lack of skills, given a headache, get no friends, get confused, made to feel like the worst thing that ever entered the ship, in the middle of the ocean with only active duty guys who ruled and judged what you did
Then sent home feeling like you had just been run over in shock not knowing how, why, what the hell just did take your mind and heart and made you feel like a little lost angry sad frightened desperate kid as you drive home not the same scared empty sad frightened sick you will have to go back again again again again again again losing your mind and soul and future security in in the end

And all for what?
A few hundred dollars
To be told I am “just a reservist”
Basically I am punk.

And this would happen for 4 years
Month in Month Out
Summers longer bouts
My skills always below the lowest active duty e1 without a doubt

How can anyone disagree that I would never know much of anything?
The Deck Department is all ship based.
You can’t take the ship home and learn what that rate was at home in between weekends see
Unlike other rates there it is not science based
It is shipboard maintaianance based
Those books I took home trying to study confused me upset me and were a waste
How can you learn anything about the ship with just these books?
It was a waste.

With no skills you are just a bullseye
To kill
with insults at will


With no skills your anxiety is maximized as you stress out
the ship goes not slower because you feel like you are going to fall out
the thing the active duty try to teach you as fast as the active duty teach and learn
Confuse and burn
Taking away my sense of security and ability to learn and trust my self as the ship continues to churn

I was the only one on that entire ship with no active duty time
Including the other 20 or so reservist
I was the most unique rare kind with no active duty time

I was the most vulnerable a logical person would surmise
By age and skill and no developed sense of self ego or even will
That could not be broken by what was happeneing there
On an active duty ship where mental health specialist are not a care

I am just a guy with a uniform just as them
But my e1 e2 e3 e4 meant nothing equal to them

In Fact how did I get e4?
That will always be a mystery.
I was told the rate was open for reservist.
I should take the test
I would pass it easily.
I did.
I put my name on it and flunked the rest guessing nearly everything
After the i noticed I did not know anything.
I passed amazingly and shockingly

But that new e4 was a shock to the active duty guys I saw monthly.
It meant nothing
They did not like or know me anyways.
My e4 to them was worthless as it was to them and know I felt like more of a target easily
Active duty e1 e2 e3 all had more skills than me
Active duty e1 e2 e3 were more accepted and appreciated then me a reservist
even if i was there for eternity

I remember being told to lead sweepers, just to get the center line cleaned, 1 time over 4 years.
that was the largest thing I ever led over 4 years what a story of glory man.
But the active duty guys did not want to listen to me.
I did not want to pull rank as the reservist see.
I was always in this weird place that others did not live in and see being a young reservist not really part of the crew on an active duty ship just part time monthly
I was always in a quagmire of weird emotions that will confuse and upset even the most logical healthy person anywhere I believe