Search for Missing $21 Trillion Comes Up Empty as Pentagon Fails First Audit in 71-Year History

Despite being legally required to conduct audits since the early 90s and holding a staggering 2.2 trillion in assets, the Pentagon held its first-ever audit this week — which it, unsurprisingly, spectacularly failed.

According to a senior official, the results were so bad that the discrepancies could take “years [to] resolve.” The Department of Defense is handed hundreds of billions of dollars annually — most of which comes from taxpayers.

In a press conference akin to a sketch from a comedy show, Deputy Secretary of Defense Patrick Shanahan asked, “So you guys know why I came down here today?” To which a reporter replied, “To see if we ate donuts?”