Can you help me out here?

I AM CONFUSED:

I used to think I was just a regular person, but I was born white, which now, whether I like it or not, makes me a racist. I am a fiscal and moral conservative, which by today's standards, makes me a fascist. I am heterosexual, which now makes me a homophobe.

I am mostly non-union, which makes me a traitor to the working class and an ally of big business. I was baptized a Christian, which now labels me as an infidel. I am old, which makes me useless. I think and I reason, therefore, I doubt much that the mainstream media tells me, which must make me a reactionary.

I am proud of my heritage, which makes me a xenophobe. I value my safety and that of my family and I appreciate the police and the legal system, which makes me a right-wing extremist. I believe in hard work, fair play, and fair compensation according to each individual's merits, which today makes me an anti-socialist. I (and most of the folks I know), acquired a fair education without student loan debts and little or no debt, which makes me some kind of an odd underachiever.

I believe in the defense and protection of my country and I honor those who served in the Armed Forces, which now makes me a right wing-militant. Please help me come to terms with the new me, because I'm just not sure who the hell I am anymore!

Funny but it’s all just taken place over the last 7 or 8 years. Prior to which I had no confusion or delusions about myself. As if all this nonsense wasn’t enough to deal with, now I’m not even sure which toilet to go into! Think I'll just go in sh** in my pants.