THE PENTAGON — According to a press release, all Department of Defense personnel are now required to complete an online Coup Awareness course as part of their mandatory calendar year training.
The official statement explicitly denies rumors that the course was created in response to simmering partisan tensions surrounding the 2020 presidential election.
“People should not look too deeply into the timing or content of this course,” the letter explains. “After all, it’s not like any of our other annual training relates to things we actually do.”
Sergeant Major of the Army Michael Grinston has warned the Joint Chiefs that delays to the Army’s new Combat Fitness Test mean troops won’t be physically ready for a coup.
“We’re looking at an 80 percent failure rate on the leg tuck,” he said. “I cannot, in good faith, send out America’s sons and daughters to quell violent domestic insurrections, knowing that they haven’t had the right physical preparation.”